Wabi Sabi * Perfectly Imperfect

I may think about writing something worthwhile....

2012-02-17T17:40:00.002-08:00

Want to hear some good news....?
Our income taxes came in 6 days earlier than we anticipated....and we hung onto it 3 days longer than anticipated....lol...
But now we are broke, however we will be saving a good chunk of change each month since we paid off 2 whole bills...haha...yeah, doesn't sound like much, but still.

And I have a gripe about EBAY!!! and those idiots on there who like to bid on an item (like the ones I'm watching) (more specifically a Nikon D7000!!!)...well they bid on it and bid on it until it goes over the price it is to buy it brand new!!! for a used camera...omg people!!! How can I ever get a good deal if you keep being stupid!!?? Don't you people shop around!?
Anyway, I don't even bid because it is way over priced before it ends anyway...ugh! I bid on one so far, but still lost, lol. I'm not being cheap especially when you type in the number 1920.00 in the bid box.... gosh, but nooooooooo, someone must really want it more and so they won it and still ended up paying maybe $50 less than brand new cost...ugh, idiots, I'll just buy a new one then if they are going to be piss assy about it all.
Nit too even mention the guy selling a lens with a scratch all over it for $100 less than new..wtf...stupid!! and people still bid on it!
So over it.....best buy has them for $1600...I know I checked....but unfortunately sometimes they are out of stock., they weren't last time, but the time before that they were...and best buy doesn't take paypal...lol...
I need to go to a pawn shop!

So anyway....I still hate sewing...though it hasn't been so bad lately...I kinda of just want to go take pictures or paint, but I keep forgetting to go do what I want instead of what I have to. dang it.
and I need someone to teach me photoshop actions...mines not working right :P...but it is most likely my inept ability to do it correctly...

Busy week next week, Roller Derby hell on Monday (yay!), Skylar's first music lesson on Tuesday, (fun!), try to go to derby again on Wednesday (maybe), skate thingy on Thursday with the kids and fam. (yay), and get to go to the school Friday to help with our anti-bullying campaign (yay?).....

Tomorrow is gun show....(yay), maybe go see a movie (yay), hobby lobby...(ugh), and that's it.
Nothing Sunday except catch up on work and writing....I'm on chapter 18 so far, but still have 2 more chapters...which would be easy enough to finish if I would just go in there and write it all instead of write about how I should write it in this stupid blog, hahaha!
but what fun would that be...
Anyway....I'm bored and don't want to go sew, so I'm loitering around here and making you suffer through my random thoughts until something useful or appealing comes to mind....hmmm....but probably not today....I'm bummed a bit that all my crazy youtube people I follow haven't posted jack in the last week...omg...how am I supposed to get my fix? I wonder if the government is censoring them...or me, lol? This sucks...it's like the only tv I watch.
Well....not much else new or old or fun to talk about... :(
Had another weird dream, but it involved rationing food (stations you had to pick up your meals from) helicopter drones that watched over the city, people in old clothing, not great food either(think corn, potatoes, rice, beans ONLY!) not many people overall, but it was dreary and people were quiet, and I had this baby with me (not mine, but maybe an orphan?) but no one knew how to take care of her, like they didn't know what to feed her or anything...weird.
There was a cute guy in this dream too, but he kinda of looked like the guy in the last Pirates of the Carribean movie who helped the mermaid girl...so since I watched that the night before..that's probably why, haha....he was helping me and another lady and the child get away from the drone things...

But anyway....luckily, no nuclear warheads this time :)

Other than boring, my life is great, stuff, I have nothing else to say :( ...boo....nothing else to share or educate you with...and we don't even have a word of the month...
but we can make one since the month is half way over! How about the word..... puke...
:) Puke sucks, especially when your daughter doesn't even attempt to make it to the toilet, but its a good thing if you really want to because whatever it is inside you must come out, and eventually makes you feel better when it does!!
Just thought I'd share, considering Wed. evening me and the little girl got sick, she felt better the next day, I felt better the next evening...so whatever that was, i'm glad it got out!! No fun, but I actually feel normal again today.
Germs are BAD and me and the Lysol took a long stroll through the house and I killed every SOB germ that was on things we touch... good times.

But enough about puke, lets talk about alchemy...
Do you think it is possible to change something bad into something good? Change copper into gold? Coal into diamond? A demon into an angel?.......hmmm.....what about a broken heart into joyous tears? Sorrow into happiness?

Do you know that song 'Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head'?
That is one of those songs that the boss man used once to prove to me He had a sense of humor....it was great, and He is CRAZY!

Gonna go, this just got boring.

I see a bad moon rising....

2012-02-15T11:15:00.002-08:00

Whacked out dream this morning...

I was in a small town along the coastline....not too close to the water, but about 500 yards or so, up closer to where they had small shops and buildings. I was sitting at a large table with a bunch of musicians....(older guys..ugly looking too.) anyway, they handed me the keyboard to play with them, although I don;t know how to play the keyboard except a few random songs....anyway...while I was messing with that trying to play (because in my dream many of the black keys were missing)
A lady said she was getting cold (this wasn't like Florida weather, but more northern, not sure which coast.) So she went to grab her jacket. When she came to sit back down by us she just tucked it under her chair like she didn't really need it.
Then everyone started commenting on the moon that was out over the ocean. (Weird because it wasn't night time at all!) It wasn't a full moon, but maybe 3/4, but everyone was saying how pretty it was...and I was thinking to myself that it wasn't so cool...it was just a regular moon (really, I have seen better)...
Anyway, all of a sudden the moon got brighter, much brighter and everyone stood up to see...something appeared to have been shot from it....and the moon kinda moved sideways as whatever it was was ejected from it....
We watched the trail of this object coming straight at us (which didn't take long at all!!!) I remember it passing above and I stated out loud... "At least it won;t hit the ocean so we don;t have a tsunami!" ...of course no one thought that was funny...then what appeared to be a rocket/missile type thing was headed for a plane and I was thinking it was going to blow up the plane, but it didn't, it suddenly took a nose dive down into town. (this thing was huge and kinda fat looking...white with a band of yellow around near its tail fin thingy's)
We watched it land maybe 100 or so yards from where we were all at the table, it basically made a super bright light and fire and then you could see the percussion radiating off from where it hit....
Everyone was just standing there...I turned and jumped down to where the road behind us had a slight drop off next to a building and ducked....
I closed my eyes and covered my ears (I had gloves on???) and the blast was basically like a huge bomb that was slowly obliterating everything around it...but it was kinda slow (not like a real bomb) and while I was taking cover I could hear its destruction getting closer and closer and I realized that everyone in this whole area would be dead when it was over.
I was still squatting behind the part of the road and remember praying that I would accept any fate that He brought me.
Just after this....I was no longer at the beach...but in an old make-shift building with a few other people I did not know. 3 of them were standing in a room behind glass...it was some sort of decompression room?? There were two guys running the controls, but you could tell that this place was made with items that you had to go out and find (like maybe something after the destruction had come)
Then when the 3 people were finished, I had to go in as well as another lady who was standing nearby.
When we were in this room...the guy on the other side of the glass (one of the controller guys) asked if we had any cell phones or anything...because it wasn't good to have it in there while it was on....I felt something in my jacket (more like a thick coat) and handed it to them, but it was only a zippo lighter?? He took it anyway...then we had to stand there in the room and he turned on the machine....
There were fans that started blowing and you literately could feel yourself being depressurized or something...it was weird...I felt like I was floating and I wondered to myself if I needed to be in this room or not... I woke up just after this.

Well...yay for end of the world dreams... but I really think a tsunami would be better than nuclear warheads. Yikes!

That's me in the corner....

2012-02-14T09:12:00.002-08:00

Came to write something else....but after writing it and reading it....and multitasking on youtube---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=xwtdhWltSIghttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

I'm rather...whats the word...words....
there are really none that can help describe.

But this song reminds me of myself....
Looking out from the corner...listening...and watching you all fall into darkness...watch you take tight grips onto your bricks...onto reality and hate....and I watch you in silence...because words are not strong enough to pull you out from your own darkness. I try to build great barriers to protect you from falling into the pit....that dark pit that reeks of sulfur...blackened brimstone walls... But now, I sit and watch, as you tear it down and fall in by your own free will.
I no longer cry for you...I no longer yell out to save you, I no longer plea for you to wake up. I no longer reach my hand out...no....not while knowing you wish to pull me in with you....
He stands nearby and I can see slow tears dripping ever glistening in the shadows as He watches you look down into the pit...you stand on the edge and look....and then you lean just a little more, a little more and let yourself tumble down into the fire...you no longer even know what you are doing...you don;t call out to Him, or anyone....you just fall with tight lips never wishing to speak or ask for help. You fall....and He still stands...hoping that before you hit bottom that you will call out His name....so He can end your suffering...the suffering you carry with you and bring about....the suffering you take delight in....
It is all a lie that you believe in yourself....but not in your dreams, not in magic, or hope, or faith, or life, or love, or Him.....you lost it in forgotten memories and you now deny it as if it was make-believe....because that is what the world has taught you to believe.
It taught you to believe that the truth is a lie and the lie is the truth....and still even though your soul cries it out again and again, you fight against it and cling to the lie that this reality and this existence is all there is....and the dream of Heaven or Nirvana or Peace or Spirit is nonexistent....

Love is dying....even on St. Valentine's Day.....(yeah, the guy was beheaded btw...)

I tell you not to go numb...I tell you not to give up and not to be silent, and not to do nothing....I tell you again and again....
But today....I watch you fall into the pit and my tears have dried up. I am numb, I am tired, I am silent, I am nothing.
What can I do....?
Even He has stepped back into the shadows now as He watches you accept your fate. He still cries, but you will not take His hand....how much longer do we have until He can no longer bear the pain of losing one more of Us?
till He can no longer see another one of Us suffer at the hands of those who choose death?
No more time left....He's stepping further and further away....hand outreached...ears peeled awaiting just one who may call out...anyone....eyes searching for just one more...one more...but the calls have grown silent...eyes are turned away...hands cold and lifeless...they do not see Him...they do not want to...because He is a dream to them, just like the world taught.

Je mourrais pour les rêves ... pour ceux-ci sont ce qui donne essence de la vie et ce qui apporte de l'amour et la beauté et Dieu.

life is but a dream....

2012-02-10T19:27:00.000-08:00

..........there's a constant humming.
Constant.
It lingers about in the thick fog. It reverberates up through your spine and echos in your head. The sound of ...something.
Not loud, but not as quiet as one would hope. If you cover your ears, you hear it anyway. If you yell, the sound waves from your voice get muffled by the sound...what is this?
Perhaps another enemy on the hunt. One who attacks from the inside out. I don't know.
I'm alone in the fog....all alone. The others whom I know fight with me still cannot be seen or found....and even Him...where is He?
Lost again, or forgotten again. I'm not afraid...but I feel vulnerable.
This armor is strong, but it is only armor...and the sword...you can't slash at something inside you....without bleeding out.

I think I'm bleeding out already.
Scarred again. And often forgetting that this is not my life....no ...life is eternal...this is all a dream...one bad horrible amazing wonderful beautiful ugly dream.
When will it end? I want to wake up.

My life is an utter waste. Everything so trivial...so insignificant...so dead. I want to leave....go back home....there...in the garden....where He stood waiting for me...where He knelt down to lift me up when I ran into His arms. Where there was nothing else but that moment...that pure piece of peace....that...one of the only moments in my known existence that was real..that was everything...one that stands out as anything compared with most everything here....which became nothing when I was face to face with Him.
You have no idea....
No idea....you can't know until you see it for yourself...I can't explain it in words...
I can't explain it to myself even....
Thoughts simply fall back to the memory...but not a memory...an existence maybe...a moment you can relive over and over...and still fall in love with it unending...more than any memory. every memory.

"What makes you think you are further away than when you began?" He answered.
Why do I still think that, should be the question....
I want to fall....I just don;t want to live in this fog any longer....I want to wake up. I'm tired of fighting...of forgetting...of relearning...of bleeding...make it stop. I want to come home.....all of us to come home together. All of Us.

When will the dream end, and heaven begin?...This is not our life....our life is eternal....this is not our home....home is where your heart is...and mine is with Him.

"Hearts are burdened....but your heart is Mine and nothing shall trample upon it."

except on Friday evidently.

Can you bare the fruit?

2012-02-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

Do you know what really grinds my gears?
People who have an idea to better the world in some way...but then after the initial omg, moment, they fold to the resistance...they talk themselves out of it..they give up, or worse, they hold on to it like it is all theirs and choke it out of existence.
No wonder the world is full of bad things...of greed, of envy, lust, sorrow, rage, hate, fear, vengeful thoughts....
Everything God tries to get through to us, people like that squander it away as if it was nothing....
If you can't or won't bear the fruit, give it to the hungry.

I'm so frustrated that people think they have time to do it later, think that certain things need to happen before they get started....this kinda pisses me off.....yeah, just go work on your own time...whenever you feel like it, forget about when God wants you to do it. You just go right ahead and sleep on it for a day, for a week, a month, a year....maybe years....until you die.
Thinking does not create things of beauty or love...it only gives you a glimpse of what is possible...but some decide instead to keep it to themselves....to keep it hidden....to keep it from fruitation.
Shame on you.

wtf people..... what gives you any right to think you'll get that tomorrow.
Piss away your day while nothing gets done, and then see that tomorrow is barren....you freaking cannot reap the harvest if you never sow the seeds in the first place.....yeah, you still have to water it and pull up the weeds, and all that other stuff.....but the harvest...what about the harvest?
Like having a child....It's not so hard to sow the seed, but you are able and willing to tend to the garden...throughout the good and bad...because of the harvest....
If I have to explain that analogy (or any of them for that matter) to you...you need to stop reading my blog. I will not tend to the little brats who sip on warm milk. You stand and walk or I'll leave you on the side of the road for someone with more patience to tend to. We have work to do here....and I am only explaining things from my view...but I cannot make you open your eyes to see it from your own.

Ugh...I'm out of here. I'm all disappointed in humanity as usual.

I wrotes you a story.....

2012-02-07T15:54:00.000-08:00

School got done and I am quite amazed that the little guy can in fact read quite well...even though sometimes just doesn't want to....little stinker! And here I was thinking he needed to work on reading more...sheesh. Of course, he may have done even better had he not had to of coughed between every sentence.
Then they got to choose an art project to do...Skylar made a house thingy for the fuzzball thingys she made...Teir started work on his Lego Star Wars ship and is half way through....but doing really well considering it was made for 8-14 year olds and has over 500 pieces. He'll surely get it done by tomorrow.
I (deliberately did something that is not on my priority list) worked. Painted a shirt technically, but still. and yeah, I even cut out an outfit and found out, the big pink polka dot fabric I need is at my mom;s house....lovely...so I painted, lol. And was super lucky to realize I had 4 extra princess appliques already premade so I don;t have to make them myself. YAY!!!! (which this in turn gave me more time to paint something for myself :)
But enough about the ordinary day.....no one likes ordinary, especially me. Lets talk about something drastic or offensive. Or sad, or amazing, or wholesome....hmmmmm.

Let's talk about the end of the world!!!...uh, no...that's make believe...how about cameras....oh wait, I don;t have one to talk about...but I am fixing to just go buy one...a nice ass one at that.
I bought a nice computer and I love it, I bought a nice mini laptop for writing and I love it, I bought a nice pair of boots and I love them, I bought a nice jeep and love it too (well..more so when it was new and gas was cheaper).....the only thing I bought that was nice and sucked was that embroidery machine.....it did okay...for someone who doesn't have real talent....but I do, so I ended up not loving it, but its sold now, so who cares!
I'm gonna buy me a nice camera (but not the d800 because I'm too poor to even dream that one) but the d7000 is the best of the price range I can even manage to pretend I can afford....so that is what I'm getting .

Want something insightful to ponder upon? Hmmmmm.....
Let me tell you a story....
Once upon a time the land lay dusk and barren. A void of darkness fluttered in the vast expanse. It ached to breath, to exist. Light shown down upon this land. It rolled out over the waters deep and scoured the depths with energy and life.
The dark filament writhed and spun in this loud and bright challenge and implanted itself among the lives that strode out of the booming voice that created the light.
Embedded, deep within the creatures it took hold and hid itself in the confines of a cradle of light. Feasting on flesh and on energy. The lifeforce of whom it took hold suffered slowly unknowing that the dark parasite made an abode of its heart.
The Creator took notice of this fragment of dark and shunned away from its vileness. He swept across the garden and hid this choking dark from His sight by placing a veil of flesh around those whom it used as hosts. He looked out upon His creatures to see that He no longer could hear their heartbeat, or know the joy of their laughter. His children, swept away from Him. Taken hold of by a slither of ebony that latched itself to the light.
These energies molded themselves together, where if one were to grow strong it would choke itself from the tentacles of the other. If one were to grow weak, the other would become inflated and swollen with pride. They mingled in balance to uphold the other.
"How will I rescue them? How will I bring them back home?" The Creator looked out upon the garden. The lost children who have forgotten their way, forgotten their kingdom, and forgotten their heritage....forgot Him. And they wandered after the dark, for it did not hurt their eyes, it did not cause them pain from the truth, it did not make them sweat in the heat of refinement.....why become a diamond if a rock is good enough? Why become gold if clay is the same color?....
A Hero was sent to claim the children, a Hero...but the children mocked and scolded Him. His sword was sharp and His armor nice and shiny too, but they snickered behind the curtains of blood. They played darts with His pictures and hung symbols around their necks, they called out in the night with chants of words they learned they must use, they refined their pretty words to make them align with a great god, but it was not to the Great Father. They seduced the young and enslaved those who wished to please. They suffocated those that could see with a blindfold of lies. They killed those who spoke against them...the darkness reigned where the darkness was born....and the light suffered.
But alas, ...the light cannot stay in a world where it was not born. It must return....return to the Father...Home. When it leaves, the darkness must fall away and return back into the void of nothingness...

Like that...lol.....it reminds me of 'the nothing' from the never-ending story, lol
I'm not quite sure where that story was going, but I got bored with it, so let's talk about something else....
Did you know that Los Angeles means Lost Angels????? I'm not sure if that is true, but hmmm....I wouldn't want to live there between now and 2018....cause, um....it's going to fall into the sea....

....and the land of a thousand tongues will rock to and fro. ashes and sulfur will rise up out of her and she will wail in pain. they will leave her desolate and barren. her children will flee from her and weep at the sight of her. smoke will billow up from her lands and those who see it out upon the ocean will stand in sorrow at her beauty that was caught ablaze. she will be forever lost, her children scattered, her forests dead, and her rivers plagued with poison. oh the agony that awaits her. take up your young and come out of her, o little isreal. her fall is forthcoming and her time of prosperity is at an end. none will seek her beauty and none will hear her voice. take hold of my hand and leave this place, take refuge from the smoke and from the rain. seek shelter beyond her reach. those who remain will suffer just as she suffers, cradles will be left barren and death will fill the womb. tears will fall on dust and no hand can cure them. calls for help will go unanswered and death will follow them that seek to contain her. woe to those whom she imprisons there. woe to her inhabitants. woe to the seas that cradle her, woe to her dying heart.
the time is nigh, the lands cry out as the bridegroom approaches. it shakes beneath his stare, it wails in agony, as it knows it demise is at hand. the fallen have seen it and they ignore the sirens. the chosen feel it and they watch diligently, the lost scatter in fear, the mighty laugh at it, and the poor weep. it will come as a blazing light and none can escape its gaze, the lights will be lifted up and the shadows will remain, the tides will awaken and the winds will cease, the moon will shatter, and the sun will hide its face from the agony below.
take my hand and lean on nothing else, as nothing else will hold on the day of the Lord. look to me and hear my voice, I call your name and will bring you forth from the rage, deliver you from the terror and sanctify you in the kingdom. there is nothing else but this, see me as I truly am, and know me as I know you.

Coffee,,,,,,where are you?

2012-02-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

This country of the United States of America is utterly stupid.
So is its health care system.

I won;t go into that, but just so you know the above statements are true.
Anyway, Dr. appointment tomorrow for the little guy at what I hope to be a decent doctor's office.

You know how you can go to places like the dollar store or save a lot and notice how many of the prices are higher than wal-mart? Reason why I don;t shop at either of those places, but am poor enough to be forced to shop at wal-mart...yay. That's like health care....well, government health care. Forced to choose a 'hmmm, okay' (maybe) over , 'oh that place looks nice'...and clean.
Kinda like choosing dollar store over target....you may get it cheaper, but the quality stinks.

So anyway....I have work to do........and want to say that that awesome Australian lady (Catherine) from Cash & Joy....was right...lol.
I raised my prices and even though I worked less in January, I made more than last year in Jan.....and so far have sold more for Feb already than last year as well...yikes!!!
Love, but I still have to work, haha! Thankfully I have an awesome helper :) aka Mom.
But yeah, I have work to do, which I will get to after we do some school (cause really now, just cause the kid is sick, doesn't mean he can't learn something!)
Need some coffee too...
Oh, and future desk (yes, I know I can't get off the subject... but did you see the chevy truck commercial from the super bowl....the end of the world one....and it rained frogs at the end...(no clue why though, whatever)...but it reminded me of my desk that has the frog on it...it wasn't raining frogs, but the frog was in the rain? idk.

And I saw a sign yesterday that said 'ride a train'...maybe hubby will get that job, so we won;t have to settle for crap quality.

Coraline went to get spayed this morning...hope she isn't freaking out, though I'm sure she is....poor pup. Get to pick her up bright and early tomorrow morning. then take the little guy to doctors, then....idk, not sure if I'll go to derby Wed. or Thurs. yet.
Anyway, off to make princesses and Lilo&Stitch just after school. Later gator.

Joshua marched around Jericho....

2012-02-03T11:20:00.000-08:00

This is Joshua

I brought him home on black Friday after rescuing from a crowd of look-a-like stuffed bears...he was calling out for help when he saw that I took notice of him. He found it strange that he was the only one who was alive...all the rest were just...not. I saved him.
He even got to come with me while we finished hunting down the not-so-good bargains and was one of the few items I bought. That made him happy since he was tired of not being seen or heard. He thought he was all alone in the world and that no one would see that he was something special. That he had something special.
So Joshua here now lives with us. He eventually made his way into the hands of a girl child...

and gets to sleep in her bed with her numerous other toys, some stuffed, some alive like him, as well as actual living creatures with claws. He likes it here, but is sometimes leery of the big-toothed creature with the wagging tail that looks at him funny.

So anyway...do you ever feel like you are stuck and suffocating in a pile of zombies too? Zombies...as in people who are not alive on the inside. I have before. They act all normal and seemingly real and alive...but you know deep down that they are just relaying the information that was pre-programmed into them when their child-spirit was hidden from them. Zombies...robots...droids...dead...whatever you want to call it, you know who they are.
Then there's the ones who are lingering inbetween being dead and alive (still zombies at it's finest). They learn and are somewhat open-minded to things, but they wouldn't shout out one word of their true self if their life depended on it....fear stricken.
The living people....so few...but they do exist. I like them the best even though the zombies hunt after them endlessly without them knowing it. They are susceptible of falls and turmoil, but eventually regain their footing.
Then there's another kind...I'm not quite sure what to call them other than 'enlightened'....spirits who are not hunted by zombies, because the zombies either love them or fear them. Those who you would sit and be with everyday if possible.... these are the rare breeds....and hard to find, even harder to even talk to if you come upon one. You can only recognize them by the aura that surrounds them...the feeling that you succumb to when they are near. I've only maybe met 4 or so in my life. One I kept around, but the others, no so much as talk to...except one....whom freaked me out to no end! I literately think he was an angel....super weird. I'll share...I guess...

So once upon a time, i lived across the street from the Hardee's restaurant on Morrison Springs Rd. in Red Bank. One afternoon, I went over there to get me a double-burger (double cheese burger without cheese) When I walked in, my attention immediately was caught by the two older ladies who were sitting in the back of the dining area near the windows.
No one else was in the place except the workers behind the counter. So I go in and after breaking away from the urge to look at these ladies I order my burger..take it to go sit (I sat facing away from them, cause they were freaking me out with that 'feeling'). The whole time I sat there I kept thinking they were trying to read my mind, haha. It was so weird!
Then to beat it all I went up to get a refill of my drink when one of them came up as well to the counter.
She asked me what my sign was...? I was like...um..Pisces.
She smiled and nodded, like she knew I was trying to block her with my mind when I thought they were trying to read it, lol.
I wish now that I had started up a conversation with her, but dang, I was freaked out....I'm telling you these people have a feeling about them or something. Of course back then, I hated everyone and was too shy to say much.

Another interesting meeting was when I worked at Walgreen's on Dayton Blvd. in Red Bank (great job, btw. until we got a pissy ass boss later on)...anyway, I was working in the cosmetics department (yeah, I know nothing about make-up except where it was on the shelf, lol) but I was on the floor attempting to fit 20 bottles of shampoo (or lotion?) on the bottom shelf where only 4 bottles would fit (I had to make it fit, that was my job!) So I was sitting on the floor....
This guy...with blondish hair, kinda muscular, really nice blue eyes (no, not cute or hot, just peaceful) had came up the aisle, squatted down to me and asked if we carried earrings.
I of course 'feel' this whacked out, strange, omg, feeling and smile and said 'sure do'...because we did.
So I push all the bottles near the shelf (so no one trips on them) stand up and walk him over to the jewelry counter where the earring twirly display thing supposed to have been...
Of course it's missing...in my head all I thought was 'who in the world is this guy?' 'this feels so weird', so while I'm searching frantically for the stupid earring twirly thing, i have all this 'stuff' running through my head about this weird guy...who's voice was like really calm and soft, and omg weird!
I never found the earring display thingy and tell him 'well, we used to carry earrings, but it seems to be missing...' or something along the lines...I'm all flushed and exasperated that I couldn't provide what he was needing...he just smiles and says something like thank you, I can't remember, cause I was already whacked at the time. But he just turns and leaves...so it was really normal and all, but omg, if I had to guess, he was an angel or something. I'm telling you, people don't have aura's like that everywhere you go....they just don;t.

I'm not gonna lie...hubby had one too and I was drawn to him...so I'm just glad he forced a hug from me all the time even though I was like super embarrassed.
...love him. :)

that was lame...sorry...I sometimes go back and erase the too lame stuff, but this barely makes the cut....so you get to suffer through a few of my piss poor teenager moments. suffering brings ...oh, umm...something or other...experience maybe...idk
I'm not very up to par today with life changing words...not that they ever are...

But hey, if you want something cool to think about....divulge upon this.... "Do whatever it is that divides the world between you."......
I was told this probably like 4 years ago...I just discovered really what it means.... I'm so slow sometimes.... glad I have a patient teacher.

....and while your heart sleeps, rest easy upon the flowing waters, the rustling of the sands, the simple songs that play upon the strings of time. There is nothing to find that I have not already given, nothing lost that was ever taken...only forgotten.
The way is not always upward or forwards, but inside, within to where the heart meets the soul and the spirit lies in the midst of the burning blazing son. the stars shine forth just as the light from within you calls out to those who are in the darkness. Walk upon the the road of the fearful, bend the hatred and fear into a distant rainbow, change the enemy into a shadow, a memory and reveal the hidden glow that was buried within its confounds.
Stand beside me, upon the shores. take my hand and taste the victory of joy. The savoring petals of life and of God. Speak of the winds and dance upon the divine kingdoms. Follow me, follow me....to the ends of the earth and across the ocean deep, beyond the stars and through the magic, through the pain, through the trials, and above the lands. Dance with me...in peace.

Even crazy and happy is good....with a touch of salt.

2012-02-01T11:33:00.000-08:00

Oh dear....something good and something bad...let's begin....
So I watched this youtube video...the good one, talking about the wind blowing to and fro and only those belonging to Jesus would stand firm in the torrent.....
Um...future desk -- the wind blowing to and fro..the girl not moving, or the apples (which may represent the life fruit?)
I'm telling you these things just come to me, I don;t hunt them down...never have to hunt anything down, but sometimes I browse...
I'm telling you this stuff wigs me out, but I think it's cool.....

Now something bad...I browsed a bit (yeah, I know I shouldn't!) and watched someone else's video (this is why one shouldn't hunt...bad bad stuff) lady was talking about her dreams...one was okay, but she added her little come to Jesus thing at the end...and OMG....she sounded like some broken recorder like every other freak of nature out there who acts like they are speaking to a little toddler!@!!!!!AAAARRRGGHHHH!!!
I went to church once, and I asked the big man why I was here....and He said "To teach those that they cannot." I'm guessing this means to speak to people like they are not some stupid robot toddler, but as divine humans with thoughts of their own....argh! I hate robots and zombies...because zombies are dead DEAD!!!! and the world is full of them!
Now since after that video of hers...she was nice and all, but just out of curiosity I had to go and listen to the second video...which happened to be what she called an army of people in happy colored shirts with signs chanting...and people wanted to go be a part of it and were jumping into the river to get over to them and oh joyous goodness...blah blah blah...and she was saying that she thought these were God's people coming to save the lost??? WTF! What?!
People coming to steal you away and walk you into the pit is more like it.
This is why I avoid crazy happy church people. Crazy is good, Happy is good, church people are good (some of them anyway...you know who you are.) but all of the above are defiled.
I wouldn't step one foot towards a crazy happy crowd of Jesus people that are holding up signs and chanting....hell no.

And that pit...I saw that pit. It burns your nostrils...it is dark with gray black stones all the way around and down into the blackness.... and screams echo out from it...wails, the worst type of blood-curling sounds...I can't even describe them....and they get louder when He looks down into it...
I already wrote about this, but it's bad bad bad!!! Do not follow the crazy happy church people!!!!!! DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT HE HAS BUILT YOU UPON DECIDE THAT THOSE PEOPLE CAN SAVE YOU!!!!
Wake up!

You would think I would be doing something productive today other than writing my already second blog post of the day..... (which I already sewed up a Minnie Mouse thank you!) and we are skipping school (cause Teir is not up to par and video games are more relaxing that math, bite me) ... BUT I had to just tell you what I found today...the cool future desk thing...and well, I had to warn you against the zombies who wish to eat your brains and have you join their ranks.....you are not a pawn. You are not a toddler either, so stop listening to the toddler talk and stop sipping on the toddler milk, or reading the toddler books, or sucking you thumb because you aren't allowed to talk...or say bad words...or do something or be something because they won;t allow it....they won;t accept you...they'll deny you....
Heaven forbid they deny you...and kick you out because you don;t fit their cliche....neither did Jesus, but you don;t see Him folding over to their every whim.... they change like the wind, He does not...neither should you.

Well, yay for fun rants about the big man and youtube users and whatever else. Bye lovelies.... (that's what Australians say) and it sounds so cool. I need to go there....forever, but after the tsunami is over with.

A hippie and a forgetful child.

2012-02-01T06:59:00.000-08:00

The world is full of haters. So what if someone isn't all nice and happy and loveable and holy all the time...get over your self. Neither are you.
The world is full of lovers...who love themselves...what a shame.
The world is full of deceivers....but only to those who can't think for themselves...wake up and have a chat with the boss man yourself...no one should intercede between you.
The world is full of promises....promises that you will one day discover are lies.
The world is full of coldness, the kind to where you avoid people because you yourself shiver with fear in the unknown...you don't know them. And if you do, you should have lit your fire with theirs.
The world is full of fire....burning raging fire....but not all of it burns.

I have forgotten....
What makes me forget?
I've forgotten how easy it supposed to be....why do we continually make it harder as the days go by?
Love is not hard, it does not struggle, or need to follow guidelines.
When people say marriage is hard work, they are liars. It is the releasing of hard work, the letting go and sacrificing. I despise that people tell lies that it takes hard work....no it doesn't...just let love do its job.
When the lies of certain other things tell you that you have to do this or say this or go here or be there come about...they too intercede between the one you seek to speak with....*sigh....

So, I spoke with my best friend last night. He was wearing jeans and a red faded t-shirt, because He said I needed to get the stupid idea that He always wears a white robe out of my head. He had His hair tied back in a little pony tail too...He kinda looked like a hippie, lol. Had some worn tennis shoes to match. His eyes still remained the same...and His voice, and His smile....the kind you can't help but smile back when He does...even if you're sad...and you can try and try to fight it to no avail....
Anyway...He had to remind me of things I often forget...too often if you ask me....all because the world is a liar and a cheat and it is a thief too. You don't ever realize what it stole until you try to find it again.....but of course you can never find it...only He can give it back to you and tell you to "Hang on to it this time."
I'm such a difficult child. I know. Yet, His patience with me is awfully appealing....I would like to be that patient too.
I asked Him a few things about the future....not that it was all that important, it was curiosity mainly....He said "It will be like Christmas, but instead of not receiving what you expect, it will be different this time."... He smiled to Himself when saying this, as if He had plans in the making...plans that He knew were being brought to life. Joy painted on His face. He looks really comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. Like one of us.

Okay....no more talking about things you have no idea about...how about we talk about something else...not that anything else could compare, but anyway...Teir has a little cough, it's weird, but had a fever yesterday evening, still little cough this morning, but not feverish, hoping it doesn't spike back up again and whatever it is goes away. Glad he's eating though and not doing that backwards, if you kwim...
His birthday party is Saturday, real birthday is Monday, he's gonna be the big 8!!! Love my little guy.

I really have nothing else to say.....like I said...nothing quite can compare....oh...and you know what else He said... "Tell them about me."...I always thought most people already knew...but now I'm thinking they have forgotten Him...and how simple it is supposed to be. Like I forget....
Please remember.....
Remember how easy it was once before they showed you how to do it the 'correct' way. The 'acceptable' way....remember...

Everyone thinks I'm the devil and I have nothing good inside me.....it's okay though, I don;t think anything bad about them. I know they are POW's ...I know they are hiding, I know. But I can only tell them the keys to their cage are in their hands.
But if I wanted to really rescue them I would smack them upside the head, take the keys, open the door, and drag them out kicking and screaming and push their cage off the cliff...then they would have to wail in the sunshine until their eyes could adjust...but that's just me....luckily I disappeared a long time ago. Myself is just a memory I like to pretend I can revive.

Yes...I agree...I'm a nut

2012-01-30T08:27:00.000-08:00

Umm...yeah, I'm still a bit freaked out here...lol
remember this....one of my art projects I did on a whim...

well....lately I have been calling it my future desk...and why you ask?
Because it reveals the future!!! Yeah!

Now, I already reported about the apple incident on some other post...the one with the raining apples (which I included the news report link to it!) Yeah freaky...I painted it first ya know.
Second...notice the sun...see those solar flares coming off of it like all crazy and stuff....notice those sun spots?... I literately had to go look to see if I even put something like 'sun' 'spots' on it when I started hearing more and more about the solar flares and sun spots in the past week...weird right?
So anyway...this brings me to the huge waves...tsunami anyone...maybe here soon...the crazies I watch on youtube said nothing is expected until March, lol. Not that anything cool ever happens, but ya know, I just thought I'd post it.
The star...the star swinging from the tree....um....I'm not exactly sure, but possibly this could represent me... I'm all weird like that....with the bright light, but I burn....
Now...the dragon....this is where it gets weirder, as you really can't tell what it all may mean before something happens....but....get this...
There was no deliberate intention to paint this dragon the colors I did.... and I do not relate all dragons to be evil either...
So....see the colors, blue and gold... these are the colors of royalty... I'm liking this to Jesus, as I have see Him wearing blue and gold before, so this is where it just seems strange.....and it's in the clouds... 'coming in the clouds'...that there's rapture talk....not that I really think of it the same way most people do....if at all.
This also goes weirder when you realize that this is the year of the dragon according to China.....dang, it is a chinese style dragon too...ain't it...WEIRD!!!
Not sure if this has anything to do with the rumor about China invading America from Mexico...but I thought it was a weird coincidence.....and that they are shipping tanks south as well....whatever...not my forte.
The bee....I am at a loss, I don't have a clue yet...and it's carrying an apple....? WTF? I don;t know, I painted it and I still don;t know, lol.
The tree....no clue, tree on a mountain....? I live on a mountain (a small one, but still...)
The eclipse, no clue either yet...except it looks like the letter C.... C stands for Christ, but let's not go there.
The girl and the frog....ummmm....no idea...I rarely ever draw people uless they are being eaten or killed by something, so to have a real live happy girl in this pic is amazing enough...and the frog...ugh...I guess we will find that out later. I don;t even like frogs....but anyway...weird.
Oh...and see the wind...or the effects of the wind....how it goes one way with the water, but the other with the girl's hair? None, on the apples/rain... Like a whirlwind, blowing in all directions or something, idk....yes absent when the apples fall...ugh...no clue, but have at it. and keep your eyes and ears open.
I'll post more stupid crap when I think it up regarding this awesome desk. :)

In other news.....life is kinda sucking so far this morning....I'm just bored and really don;t want to do anything that I need to do.
Guess I need to go and fight the resistance....not like anyone else will do dished or laundry or teach the kids....*sigh.
Can't wait for derby practice...I want to go skate!

well...I guess I should step away from the computer and fight the resistance now, because it is past noon....later....and no hugs today....unless you're bringing me a Nikon D7000 with lens...or one of my adopted family members over to visit.
I need a break...and NO, not like a broken bone (cause I almost broke my thumb last week at derby!) but a break, like open doors of opportunity and advancement.

If you are down, and feeling a little blue....take a look at a great oak...and see what a nut can do.

Mace as in a spiked war hammer...not the spray, lol

2012-01-28T20:14:00.000-08:00

Me and the boss man had a talk last night after my interesting...and rather fun....rage post, lol.
So...He says something along the line of "Speak like a sword, not like a mace."
Lol....He does have a sense of humor, yes?
So basically a sword can penetrate through...into the deep parts of one who is needing a good slaying....a mace on the other hand kinda smashed the outside around and pokes unsightly holes leaving them to bleed in their own filth, but doesn't necessarily allow the obvious truth to get to where it needs to go....kwim?

I'm sure you think I'm ugly and hideous and hateful, but in reality and even in the incurable blog world (namely this one) I'm kinda nice, and laid back, slow to anger, extremely too patient, and obviously have a tendency to forgive in less than 3 hours. Count yourself blessed to really know me, as I'm rather a unique find....
but aren't we all?

So anyway...I realized something a bit astonishing last night too.
So you remember when I was mentioning the photographer guy that reminded me of an angel. That on the facebook page of his I found like 3 beautiful things...
I'm slightly freaking out. I'm not sure I ever wrote about my actual 'angel' experience on this blog (but I think I did on my deviantart journal thing) but I just realized that this dude looks extremely similar to that angel....the real angel....omg....freaking weird I tell you!

Let me tell you a story....

We walked through the city. the buildings were opalescent and glimmered like pearls. The ground beneath our feet was like glass...pure, smooth, unbreakable, solid. I was a child as usual and we walked towards the large building. Pillars spanning high. I could not see the tops of them. A great wide staircase rose up to the front doors of this building. It looked white, but not the color white you can see here. It was different, like alive...different (coral maybe??)
Archangels lined the right and left sides of these stairs, from the bottom step to the top. Each radiated with light and beheld a massive spear in their right hands. It stood aiming skyward and reached from the ground up slightly above their heads. Their massive blazing white wings were folded solidly at their backs....unmoving.
We walked up the stairs to the top and I saw another angel there standing alone. He too had a spear and stood near a large statue.....(I don;t remember what this statue was of??)
Jesus said something to this angel, but I didn't hear what was said. The angel at the top of the stairs kept his eyes averted from mine, I tried to see his face, but he never looked at me. He looked down to my left, slightly lower on the stairs to where the other angels were lined.
Jesus took hold of my hand and we turned to walk back down the stairs to where the one angel had looked toward.
I'm not sure which number step it was before we stopped just in front of one of them.
He was tall and muscular....my god, he was not human, but had the resemblence of a human.... Massive beautiful creature.
His wings began to move and he knelt down in front of me.
I was a child in this place, yet when he knelt, his face was aligned directly to mine.....he was huge...he was beautiful.
He had blazing raging living blue eyes. His hair was dark with slight waves in it...I cannot describe what he looked like much more than that.
He looked directly at me. His spear rested beside him as he gazed at me and me at him.
Jesus said something, but still I could not hear what he said....and I was pulled away from the angel and we walked back up the stairs and into the building.
Inside was like a great hall....pillars on each side of the massively wide room. Ahead of us was a large (like incredibly large!) throne. Light poured out from it and into it....really hard to describe, it was bright enough to where you could make out details, but it didn't hurt your eyes. We walked over to the left side near the front and beside one of the pillars..... (the was no ceiling?? It looked so high I couldn't see a ceiling?)
there was something or someone to my left (Jesus held my hand on my right) I;m not sure who or what it was...I didn't take notice...
Fire...light...moving towards me in a swirl, or living energy....it came towards me from the center of the throne before us.... I stood silent as it stared into me...fire...light...it wasn't scary...it wasn't anything but amazing. It moved in the air...colors of ...all colors. Much orange and yellow like a lit hearth...but there was blue and purple, green in the midst. It was warm. I stared into it.

I don't remember what happened after this (I will have to go back and read what I wrote on deviantart...)
The angel....the archangel was given to me....I know his name, but I will not write it down here....and I know why he was given, which I will also not share. But omg....this photographer guy whom I deemed like an angel freaking looks almost just like my angel....strange....and I just thought of this last night too, while I was in convo with the big man about my pissy post, lol....
I even had to go look at his facebook page to see if he had blue eyes, lol, I'm telling you....there is no such thing as coincidence.

Want to hear something else.... that fancy camera I have had my eye on.....best buy has the best price, but noooooo.....it is unavailable online and in store....just my luck. But it's okay. I'll live.

....and this angel of mine doesn't speak....I wonder why sometimes....but I wouldn't argue...cause you had better believe any one of us could be crushed to pieces if one of those guys came after us....ummm...no thanks. I'll be friends....and we can hang out in utter silence....fine with me.

Yay, for stories! True stories, but stories. I may have to go check my journal pages to see if I can find out what happened afterwards...ugh, it's bothering me now.
oh oho oh oh oh oh !!!!!! This is what my facebook angel guy posted last night - "You may have a blazing hearth in your soul and yet no one ever came to sit by it. Passersby see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on there way." - - Did I not write about the burning fire on the inside...ahhh!!! See! I'm losing my mind, lol. and then I realized this morning that I wrote about becoming a burning blazing star...fire burns...argh! crazy, lol. I can get the date on that btw, but not tonight, it is late enough and I really just want to go to sleep, lol....and truthfully I continue to freak myself out when I read through that stuff...

Lol...I'm a bit flaphappy and giggly and somewhat excited that stuff in my head isn't all in my head, but in actuality too....yay, I get to share the craziness!!!
and I will try to remember to speak like a sword and not a mace....yikes. :)
Love you all who still decide to see what becomes of me and stick around to be my friends... I really am a sappy girl with the fearlessness to cuss on stupid blogs as well as spend and hour of school talking about forgiveness and God. Yay...that even sounds sappy...ugh.

I didn't say any bad words this round.....be proud ;)

WARNING!!!! I added too many F bombs!

2012-01-27T21:00:00.000-08:00

Omg.....where is that f'ing chainsaw?

Now, there's this once nice lady who decided buying my expensive machine for not so expensive who happened by....I shipped this nice machine to her with insurance for free....shipped Tuesday parcel post with insurance....
today I get a threatening email that the insurance numbers aren't showing up on the usps site for tracking info...so if I don;t respond by tomorrow ('cause evidently I don't have a life and am on the computer 24/7!) she will file with paypal as fraud....
What the fucking hell? Really?! Parcel post delivers in 7-10 days not 3...not my fault if the usps site isn't updated all the time?!
They may not even scan the son of a bitch packages until they are delivered....
So me being nice and utterly too fucking patient in real life responded nicely stating I will call the PO tomorrow to check, I will scan the fucking receipts to calm her happy ass down, and show her the estimated delivery date isn;t until the 31st......What a fucking BITCH!!!!
I also reminded her that my ebay feedback does not reveal that I am a cheat (though she didn't buy it off ebay! but that's where I posted it when she saw it)
Damn it....I'm gonna scalp her with a chainsaw if she really thinks the HORRIBLE service of the United States Postal Service can get 2 packages from TN to Port Angeles, Washington in 3 days! Fuck her!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!! I bet you damn religious fucks out there love it! Screw you too!!! You need a good high five....in the face...with a chair!

Pieces of shit like this rude lady really make me feel like all the good things I do when I don;t have to are an utter waste of energy....I cut her a fucking deal and I shipped for free!
All the shit Jesus had to go through for all you son of a bitch assholes who walk the fuck all over Him with your fake ass goodness and happy ass facades of goodwill and la la tidings of smiles that cover the hateful deceit and greed and rage and sloth and envy and bullshit......you need to fucking die! I hate you! I hate you for playing games with what He did for you like its some fucking storybook that you cling to like a little bastard child wanting a free ride..... I hate you for ridiculing every little thing like it is your job to analyze and decipher, like you really know anything at all....Fuck you.
You know nothing because you are nothing.

I'm sick of fuckwads who are constantly taking everything that comes to them that ripples their little happy worlds as an attack...then they cast blame and they are the ones who go out and spurt atrocities...others listen to them like they are God...all you asses like that fucking serve demons and continuously fall into their trap time after time after time.....and you yourself become the demons that have swooned you with their prowlness and sly words.....
Fuck you.
I have never said anything bad about anyone in the last few years...because I don;t know you... I don;t even hate the lady who is being pissy with the packages. I hate that she is assuming and threatening. I hate that I have to deal with her, that I have to guard her from my wrath...like I really try to guard you all from my wrath....lol, until tonight anyway.
I'm usually kinda nice, at least lately...but anyway....
God is guarding you from His wrath......and OMG, you will fucking burn when His shit rains down upon your sick asses. I am pissed I'm stuck in this fucking world with a bunch of fucktards! Little whiney babies sucking on sour milk that went bad ages ago.....still reading the first chapter of the Bible cause you still can't figure it out! Again and again and again!!! Get your fucking noses out of a book and look the fuck around your ass!!! Your utopia is rancid with sin that you release while you were giggling over some verse for the last 10 years....FUCK you!
You are fucking weak! And you are silent! and you are DEAD!!!!
Did you hear that?! DEAD! and blind too.

JESUS CHRIST IS LORD and you are fucking away your life chatting with your fake ass friends in some fucking building that costed thousands of dollars!!! to learn about what only He can teach you, but you choose to listen to all their fucking bullshit so you can play poker on Wednesday and get a free meal Sunday afternoon!!!! And makes friends with people you do not know, because everyone there wears a fucking mask!!! FUCK YOU!!!!
You think you are saved???saved?? born again!? whatever you fucking want to call it???!!! Do you think it...?
OMG! Fire burns inside and I will pour my wrath out upon your frigid hearts!!! You will suffer for all that you have denied! Hear the trumpets....they echo upon the hills and still you look away. Still you hide from me.

......man...that felt good...no I'm not fucking sorry either. I will fight my fucking ass off for Him while you dick around in a parade of fantasy and in happy go lucky mascarade...full of shame. Fuck you.

Unfortunately I am rather pissed that I still love you all too....fuck! But you don;t have to love me, cause it;s not your love that matters.
*sigh....off to bed so maybe I can forget this ever happened and I can come back tomorrow with a full tank of gas in my chainsaw....Hugs to those who never take them for granted....

Do good unto them......

2012-01-25T16:31:00.000-08:00

Ever been scalped by a chainsaw?
Yeah, me neither, thankfully...but I dreamt about it last night, lol. Talk about unsettling. Poor guy didn't scream, and blood didn't squirt out like it does in the movies. But he had it coming.
Oh, and I got to fly a plane around Greece and discovered where mermaids live too.....very insane, yes indeed.

Now that that's out of the way, the good news is I finished 2 sets today....still have 6 more things to make, but hopefully those will get crossed off the list sooner rather than later......and it would go so much faster if I wasn't daydreaming about future photoshoots.....*sigh. (With a good camera that doesn't continuously have 'kodak' moments)

Did I mention I don't like sewing...and now cannot even afford to order the good fabric because of the rape of the post office....much too expensive for me my friends....so unless hobby lobby carries what I need, we are all out of luck..
And unfortunately they do not carry Michael Miller Ta dot prints...not a single one.....so we are indeed screwed...
Luckily though, it doesn't much bother me, because I highly doubt I will be spending any money on fabric unless it's for a costume for a photoshoot....just saying....oh...and Teir wants another Link costume for the Renn Fest.

In other news, because work talk sucks!
I'm a bit freaking out that I'm only 2 chapters away from the end of book 2...and I think it needs more....but I have nothing to add...and I don't do fillers unless they are necessary. ...maybe 20 chapters will have to do...

The house is kinda clean....hubby brought home an exercise machine he got from a friend at work...so maybe I can use it and stuff.

Money is non-existant (as usual) but really hope we get that dumb w-2 form in soon, cause, that'd be great...even though frankly it is already spent....

but hubby did mention a camera....hmmmm....not that we can afford it though...but still....
nothing much else to talk about....

Greece is really pretty though....

Hmmm...I can tell you want something insightful....let's hunt shall we...

Have you ever watched a movie, or listened to a song, or witnessed something that you know had a message within it that you were supposed to latch onto?
Well, happens to me quite often...
So I watched that movie called "The Tree of Life" ....which was kinda dumb and slow, but alright...it wasn't awful like some other movies I've seen lately....
Anyway...the only part that stood out to me was the part where it said to 'Do good to them' ......now the point being that sometimes things get brought to you...like little gifts...just for you....
Anyway, that's all I got from that movie...and I love it...the saying, not the movie :)
On the movie 300 (which is a good movie anyway) the part that stood out was the part where the hunchback went up to Xerxes and Xerxes said the "While Leonidas requires that you stand, I only require that you kneel."
See...that right there reminds me of people's warped idea of God....
That He wants you to kneel all the time...ugh....only when you are pig-headed and full of yourself (duh, you gotta be emptied before you can be filled with awesomeness!)...but the rest of the time.......no freaking kneeling...no no no no no no no no no!!!!NONONONO!!!! Stand and walk my friends. Stand and walk....and work...and do....and become...and create...and live...and do good unto them....
Obviously
And NO, I do not mean your lame ass job that you really don't like...I mean DO the awesome stuff...stuff that makes you clap your hands and jump up and down like a little kid ...all excited and gives you the funky little giggles and makes you crack a smile even when you think about it.....that work...that life.....as there is no other....everything else is nothingness.

See.....now I need a new camera so I can get my giggle on. LOL...not that the camera does the job, but it will help make what I create look more like what's in my head....and I won't fight with the stupid insolent kodak while it's flipping through 8 settings and doing it's no touch zoom all while you are trying to take a blasted picture....see what I mean.... it's like writing a book with a broken pencil....or painting a picture with a paintbrush that only has 3 bristles....or wanting to listen to music cd's, but all you have is a tape deck.....that kind of frustrating.
But I am patient.....and hopeful that someone will lend me some start-up money or lend me a Nikon D7000 with a 250mm lens....and a telephoto lens, wide-angle lens, and if possible an infrared lens too (so I can catch the ufos on video!!!! Yes, you can see them with an infrared lens...I youtubed it......lol

Have I ever told you about the crap I have seen before involving ufos? Probably not...but dude....it is not as cool as you think it is when it happens to be 11pm and there are no other cars on the road and you're alone....not cool at all.
And I' won't get into the ufo orb thingy's that fly super fast and disappear...nope...those aren't so bad...but still....oneday someone with me will see them too, lol....and when I get that infrared lens...I will show you!!! and youtubers alike....
messed up crap...and I don't even want to bother with alien crap...ugh.....I just want to write my book, take pictures with a fancy camera, build a couple of houses, find 20 acres somewhere awesome, visit Australia..and a few other select countries....(to take pictures, duh!) meet my extended family whom I claim is family even though they really aren't (but they are, right?) and when I'm 40 start working on theater production.....(big plans right there)

Ahhh...my family....that's not really family, but is...me loves them no matter what...good or bad...all the same...love love love....I hope to find more people to add to my imaginary family that is family....
Curious as to whom I added, are you?

I bet!!
Let's share...cause these people are awesome to me for either some weird reason or no reason at all....I'll elaborate cause my fingers like typing today :)

Let's see.....Hugh Jackman....omg....my wonderful uncle....please adopt me...and give me a reason to visit Australia sooner rather than later (I swear I was born there in my past life or something)
Mike Roe.....another strange uncle...lol...he's funny.
Another uncle is the Mayhem guy from the Allstate commercials....you know the one that pretends to be something else and laughs....him...he's my weird crazy uncle.
Vin Diesel gets to be my adopted brother. At least he's my facebook friend. Heath Ledger is my brother too.....*sad panda....I think he was a targeted individual and was killed.
And that angel I found on deviant art and on facebook too.... I think I'm going to nab him too....he;s going to be in a movie and he's a photographer and likes to wear suits of armor as regular attire...um...weird, but love...:) debating this one out for a few more weeks...but there's something there..., maybe a brother or cousin, or something...
I only have 2 girls...lol....9Nania off of youtube...she's like really weird and possibly a bit crazy, but she reminds me of my real sister who IS crazy! I like her, so she's my adopted sister.
Ann Voskamp, who wrote that book and has that blog....she gets to be my sister too even though she may be crazy too, and probably way over religious...that's okay, I have a real niece like that.
Still looking for others to incorporate in my multiple dimensional family.... :) Want to join?
I'm thinking eventually I'll take everyone...or not. Not the idiots though...unless they are funny idiots like my real brother. and not bad people.... I'll scalp them with a chainsaw.

Swirling twirling popcicles......

2012-01-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

Want to hear something strange and unusual?
Of course you do.....
I hadn't realized before today that it has been foggy for almost 3 days straight.... and if you happened by my deviantart journal page...I find this intriguing.
And storms, namely thunderstorms with chances of tornadoes will be headed here overnight.
I'm a bit fixated on the fact I just wrote about this instance 2 or 3 days ago...about the beasts that taunt you and test you in the fog. Things like doubt and frustration...but that they wouldn't get close enough to be within reach of your sword....they taunt...and tease...
Well....I wrote that they had wondered away, leaving...and whether or not they sought out another stronger foe for me to deal with since their attempts had ended in failure...

This troubles me a bit....as a few years ago, I wrote that something of a enormous challenge was approaching and I dare say that it came true in flying colors....I didn't like it...but why I could feel it upon the vibrations of the ground prior to its coming is just freaky....this is why I don't go back and read that deviantart journal all too often...as I freak myself out.
So anyway..I'm just saying that I feel a little "whoa, this is weird" kinda sense...and really hope that nothing immobilizing happens...due to the beasts in the fog. I am not liking this...

and a dream...dang it I despise dreams...but mine last night (I can't remember all the details) involved trying to escape the 'bad guys'...but they were bad guys like a military operation...and elite spies..and soldiers that were kinda just like robots...they looked like people, but they acted uniformly without expression or emotion.
We were all trying to hide from them and get away, we had to align with strangers to help escape...even though I don;t remember how it ended, I just remember running, trying to get away....*sigh...yay for bad dreams that leave you feeling unsettled....and of tornadoes in the fog...yikes.

Want to know something else...I sold my embroidery machine...but have to find a cheap way to ship it tomorrow. Why is the postal service so freaking expensive???ARGH! I could save them bunches of money if I was in control. But nope...I'm a nobody.
Tis okay...cause hubby mentioned buying me a camera today (OMG!!!!) Please add this to my 'Hell YES!' list!
I won't need to ship anything if I'm a photographer, lol...except maybe a CD.
Anyway, it is sold :) we can pay for gas and groceries for the month...w-2 form comes in hopefully by the end of the week.....and that land auction we went to....um...we possibly bought 3 lots if noone decides to contest it before the 30th. We got them for ubber cheap too!
Anyway, besides that good news and freaky news.....let me just say that last few sets I need to make....will probably be the last I will make, other than whatever I want to make when I want to make it, in whatever way and type and whatever I want to make it in....HELL YES!
And I will list it for my $25 an hour price regardless....cause that's just how I roll. Awesome energy does not come cheap, neither does shipping.
BUT, when I get my new camera....I'll have a few free photoshoot opportunities for those of you who want first dibs.....but you will need to help me out on fuel cost to meet up somewhere....cause I won't have a job until I have a portfolio to reveal to those who might be willing to pay me the $50 an hour I'll be charging them....fyi

I'm hungry, so off to cook dinner, much love...Be safe and many prayers for everyone who loves Jesus....oh, and kitties :) I love kitties :)

*SCREAMS!!!!!!

2012-01-20T12:46:00.000-08:00

AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
I hate my job!!! HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE it!!!!!
Please tell my way the hell I even bother?!!!
The whole f-ing day is f-ing WASTED!!!!
Spent too long trying to find the right design(s) for an outfit, decided to make them , but noooooo...what I need is too damn small to make by hand...so I have to use the cursed machine,.....so I buy a set of designs to use instead..whatever and I pay with some weird checkout (leery, I know)...
So I start the machine up and it is like a really tight stitch design as it jams up about 5 times and looks like utter shit.
So besides hunting down the designs I could might possibly use (because evidently the rest of the world are utter lacks of talents and abilities!!!!) I spent a bundle of wasted time trying to embroider a stupid picture of Lilo...,..which I tried fixing with fabric paint in hopes I could 'save' it....but NOOOO
It's in the f-ing trash...and I'm about to throw every other piece of crap in there with it....hell far!!! SOmeone save me!!!!

So why do I still do this job, you ask?
1: I still am obligated to do the 8 sets I said yes too.....shit!
2: gas and groceries are really nice to have without having to put it on the credit card (which is maxed out anyway)....this doesn't even bother me if we were just poor....but damn.
3: hubby has been playing the 'my wife wants to quit her job and she shouldn't' card way too often.....which in turn would make me feel worthless when I toss it all out the window......mind you this is all that has managed to keep me in the game...

I want to go skate....
That'll fix it all, but then I'll hear something along the lines of 'you do know it is costing us $70 a month to go play roller derby'....yeah well, at least he didn't mention that I need new wristguards...padded shorts, a new helmet, and the game insurance all before March...lol
God love him :) and bless his heart, cause he's going to need it....like I need a new job (which having a Nikon D7000 could help me attain, btw.)

I'm going to go clean house. That will at least keep me away from sewing.
Oh...and that machine right there *points greviously to that machine* is listed on ebay right now..... and I'm going to keep relisting until it sells..... bite me.

well....I hope your day is going well.
I'm off to clean...YAY!!!!

I'd like to buy the world a coke....

2012-01-19T08:22:00.000-08:00

No pictures today..and this makes me sad.
I just couldn't decide where to go with this post to choose pics beforehand...man, I suck.
No fancy black boxes either...whaaa!

I guess today started out blah.
Along with a messed up dream and just overall wanting to escape reality....I feel bummed this morning.

I can list things I have to do today along with things I should do...but why bother, I will only do the 'have to's' anyway....should do's are annoying.
But I'll get to those later....I still have 35 minutes of internet free time.

Why am I bummed? Besides the whacked dream....who knows, I have whacked dreams often enough. Besides being piss poor broke...who knows...I'm always broke, so I know that's not it. Besides the fact things still require my attention....that's not it either.
I guess it's just one of those days. Oh well.
I get to skate tonight, so it will all go away then if it doesn't wane beforehand.

What to say today....hmmmm.....
Oh wait...I remember why I'm bummed now...
grrrr
It's all thanks to the world for being a deceiving little bastard...*sigh.
Let me elaborate...
but it involves the big man upstairs, so refrain from condemning me to hell, will ya? It's not His fault, it's mine.
It's my fault for forgetting (again). My fault for falling back into that pit of religious stupidity where 150% of the world's churches say you need to be.
I hate them for disillusioning us all.
I hate them for placing stipulations on everything when they know nothing....they know nothing....and I have forgotten the way it really is because of their undying battle to cloud my spirit. The way they cloud everyone else's spirit and deform their perspective....no wonder that everyone is so hateful and continues to protect themselves from each other.
I do not belong here....I just want to go home.

I have forgotten the truth and forgotten the light while trying to fight off the darkness. I suck.
Of course now I can fix it...but I'm kinda waiting for the energy to come back so I can slaughter the....stuff out of some other stuff, lol. Look...you made me smile...since I'm trying to prevent using that fancy black box today cause I just wrote I wouldn't, lol.
Anyway...hell fire will rain down soon....be prepared.
and yes....I will be the cause and the solution....
Why is it that when you shove the world aside like the piece of shit it is...He smiles? Lol.
It's like a total contradiction....maybe He'll start talking again soon..it's getting too quiet in here.

hmmm....I;ve got 10 minutes left, but I feel a dire need to go add a post to my deviantart journal....talk to you pretty smilies of rage and pandemonium later. Go hug a panda today....he's sad.

You're the devil in disguise....

2012-01-18T13:01:00.000-08:00

Where would we be in the world without deviantart.com...
██████ ███!! It would █████ suck ███!
Do you realize how many ██████ coma inducing ████ ██████ inspirations that have been born from ██████ uncensored things that these ████ eyes have seen!! ███!! I would ██████ die!
I am against being censured.... even when I say ██████ or ████ or even █████ or ██████ ...or ███ even ██████ too!
;)

Now...do you know what I said? It wasn't anything bad....there you go assuming.....you know what they say about assuming...and lies, and drama, and oh what's it called....hmmm...oh yeah, judging.
Oh wait, you probably don;t know...because there are people out there who do it all the ████ time, even when they put on the persona that they are against it.
If you don;t like it, turn your eyes away, or do something about it to change it.
But remember...like the water....
If you try to stop the negative ripples with a negative reaction, more negativity churns the water and we all fall down.
To end the negative, you must put out positive waves to counteract the negative....good overcomes evil.
Just sayin..... even though there's just too many ██████ people in the world and I can't ████ tell them all myself.And many of them are ██████ ████.

Can you tell I like that fancy black box, lol.

And you know...if the internet gets censured.... at least more people will get to actually speak their mind in public ;)... it's all good.

So...in other worlds....I have 7 sets left to sew until I;m finished...for now....whatever, I don't ████ care, lol.

Oh...I was just telling hubby...but I have to write it to you, cause it's really awesome how I can talk to him like I want to talk to you, lol. He's my buddy and doesn't freak out when I say weird ████...and he nods even though he has no clue what I am really saying, lol. me loves him.

Anyway..what I was saying while describing what the blackout this was for and all the censorship █████ was that..I think of expression and art as tools....
Like, how could one make a movie without background music, or do a theater production without a backdrop, kwim?
Think of it like this....... that all great creations come from a universal collectiveness either consciously or unconsciously, whatever....and we are merely the process they those 'arts' are brought about.
First, it never belonged to you....you did not 'create it's birth and existence in thought' You merely found it....and by acting on that 'omg moment'...you create it into physical form.
But be certain, that once you have created it on the physical plane, that it automatically becomes a gift. A gift to all who are of the physical plane.
So, for instance, one thinks up an idea for a wonderful happy song....they create it into reality with the sounds and tones and words....
Now, it has become a gift...many listen and love it just the way it is...some others want to try to make it the way they might see it, so they sing it a different way (and sometimes better!), a few others hate it and want to make it a parody and change the lyrics to sound like something totally different....which might possibly make you upset (but get over it!!! When you brought it forth, you turned it into a gift) (like it wasn't a gift to you to begin with, pffft)
Ever wonder why people complain sometimes when they claim 'someone stole my idea' ....well, they didn't steal it, they merely acted on the chance to bring it forward into reality while you merely thought of it (or in this case, connected with it's universal consciousness) so did they, but perhaps, they had the means to bring it forth, whilst you did not....
There are so many 'ideas' just waiting to be discovered by those whom are willing to create them and give birth to them.....but they wait in the silence...
because people have become super ██████ lazy in the last few years....and the societal systems have forced children to block out the universal mind....telling them it is of no use...
And this is why we as a society has fallen....we have failed, because we will not allow our children to teach us....to help us remember the moments when we were set in awe of the daily miracle that we now see only as normal....we have forgotten our home...we have forgotten our Father, and our selves.
Who are we trying to please anymore? Your teachers? Your boss? Your parents? Your family? Your government?
They have stolen the real life force from you and they will do it again to your children....and you let them.....you let them have you and your thoughts...you let them have your children and you let them sleep within your homw...you let them invade your bodies and you let them rape you, maim you, defile you, and you snuggle close while they whisper lies to you in the dark.

Is there someone against you? Someone out to get you? Someone gonna hurt you?? ████ that.... that's what they want you to believe...they want to divide you from those who can make you stronger...they work diligently to tear you apart from them...with lies, deceit, rumors....strange things that do not seem right (and you know this!!!!) and you believe it anyway..........

You have fallen.

Love conquers all....and transforms it.....how's that for alchemy ;)

the loss of the lost

2012-01-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

It's difficult to accept the gifts that have been bestowed upon us.
Difficult to find the right words and even more difficult to give thanks.
Perhaps we don;t even realize we should.
Perhaps we don;t realize that much of what was given is not just a gift, but a sparing....a protection from something worse.
I find it strangely hard and sad.

Have you ever heard the phrase "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?"
I'm sure you have.
But it may not be just a saying.
When you have loved and you lose that love...it is something that changes your soul...it is a scar that is never forgotten...real love can never be lost....only changed.
And on the other hand if you never have loved....you see that if you have and it was lost...the pain that you would have to uphold would be unbearable....we are spared...some of the time.....from the things we cannot bear.

But what of a love? If you couldn't bear it with this life....you feel things that are missing.....love that has yet to manifest...or perhaps has been withheld for this lifetime....but yet it still exists...
When you feel a longing for someone you have never met....at least not here in this life. A love that drives you to keep looking for them wherever they may be, because you know they exist somewhere, in some form. It exists and it drives you to search.

Do you want a bit of honesty with a splash of humility?
I will admit that I haven't lost someone that I loved....truly loved...the kind that your heart aches for. At least not a person....many pets, if you even consider that worthy....but to the heart of a child....the pain is still the same, no matter which spirit it was.
But people just didn't die and leave that I was connected to with love....now that I think about it, I was never connected to anyone.
Not until the boyfriend who became the husband came along...and the kids.....
Everyone else was just a traveler. Does that sound mean? Probably, sorry. Yeah, I'd miss people, but the suffering wouldn't be unknown territory.

Then there's that other longing that follows and leads you along.....the other love that you continuously search for...yet not knowing what it is.....another one you love...or perhaps others....
I don;t know them, but they are mine....who are they? Could they not be a part of this life? Is this life not strong enough to have them?

Is it the other family....the one that stays with Him....and I have just forgotten their names? My heart aches for those I do not know....and the thought alone is painful.
It is better to be apart from those you met and loved, or those you never met and loved? Is there a difference? The pain is still the same, although not as distinct, and not as defined....

Well, I'm sure you have no idea what I mean.

Anyway....so all there is left to do is keep moving forward.....maybe you'll finally find them.....and yes, I do believe in soul meets soul when eyes meet eyes..... I guess I need to write a blog post on that later... though it seems I'm too ugly or for heaven's sake I say bad words on a blog, or people just don;t get it...*sigh.
I feel I may have to explain this away...cause people just don;t understand.

You know what......I am so glad some people have had someone they looked up to in their lives....it makes me glad that that kind of connection exists. I just want to hug it. *so happy!!!!

Going to bed and dream of hopefully something other than devastating end world stuff......
But do you know what I find odd.....?
That you never get to dream of what you want to dream about...lol.
Like those people in my head (damn it, they are right brain functional) or Jesus...well, wait a minute....nevermind..those were not dreams....those were "omg, I'm gonna screw with you hard" sacrifices...yikes....thanks bunches for those...cause omg, I was screwed with hard....and now noone understands!!!Lol.

Okay...I'm back from blabbing....um....yeah, no more bad dreams about tsunamis or ufos, or storms.....unless they are really awesome....maybe....idk....I kinda get a kick out of them after I get my pulse rate back to normal, haha.
ugh, really, I'm going to bed.good night and sweet dreams.....that do not involve counting or stress or ufos or freaking large aliens that take off their guinea pig masks and growl at you with their ugly green faces.....yes, that one was weird!!! but I growled back cause I wasn't scared too much....I was mad he was in my yard, lol.
I really need to go....lol.....

If I walk away......please follow me....

2012-01-12T10:02:00.000-08:00

We sit amidst the forest in deep conversation..... holding a warm cup of fluid.

"Where are you going?"

I smile, unsure what to say..."Forward."

"What is there?"

"Only more of what is already here, but with a different perspective." I shrug.

"What will you do there?"

"Perhaps nothing." I shake my head. "It depends on what is brought to me?"

"Can't it be brought to you here?"

"Of course. But I can't see it from where I'm at, at least not clearly."

"Clearly?"

"I can't see what it is or what it's worth. Right now it just looks broken, but I know it isn't. I want the full picture. The full truth. And the full experience."

"Are you afraid?"

"Not at all."

"What about the shadows? What about the darkness?"

"What about them?" I question.

"Won't they be painful?"

I laugh...."painful like giving birth! But really so worth it!" I smile.

"Oh."

Lame story....sorry, not what I came to write really. Anyway......yesterday as I was sewing (and realized I was out of serger thread) and had to stop....I noticed I was thinking of photoshoots instead of fabric or making something sewingwise.....I guess this is a good thing and all, but bad in so many other ways....
I have orders to finish for one....money to waste on fabric I need and crap I would rather save to spend on my new camera which I only have to buy once!
I know there will be other crap to deal with in photography, like lens, locations, weather, time, appointments, editing, etc, etc, etc, etc!!! and props....I like props..and what about an indoor studio....yikes!
See...issues. Just like issues with sewing...
But other than the fact that me and the embroidery machine are not buddy buddy...and my fabric stash has dwindled to only scrap pieces of ta dot prints (omg!!!I'm out!) and I don;t even give a rat's ass about any of it anymore......and I don;t have money to buy more and don;t 'WANT' to......is a major and serious issue in itself.

My prices will be going up next month. No more free shipping. No more going out of my way to make a sale....nope, I don;t want to make a sale....I want to take pictures with a fancy black box thingy with shiny circular glass and that has the words Nikon D7000 on it.
And this is what I think upon most of the day while I'm sewing (or supposed to be sewing) or when I'm browsing deviant art...or when I'm scanning through photography blogs just to see the pictures, or when I am driving and see a building with a grafittied wall....or a rusty old car...or trees....(ah locations)...I think on these things...and what you think you become....
I used to think on sewing stuff and making omg, cuteness!...but now, not so much at all.....even that Mojo Jojo set I have been dying to make for months, no longer appeals to me. I'm kinda sad that I missed the opportunity to make it with enjoyment.
Seems I have been missing many opportunities to create or do things with enjoyment....because 'other' things stole that priority away from me......namely sewing orders. Like the last 4 months I spent slaving over fabric and machines to send out a set....just to pay for gas and groceries....and now my paypal has been depleted like it was for the last 4 months.....and I'd just rather not sew anything or make any money....cause I don't care anymore.
So much for passion when you reach the top and find out you can't go higher without more money.
I find myself at the top with this business and me just letting it go and watching it fall out of existence to smash against the rocks below...
Kinda like when you throw a huge rock off a cliff, you are excited to see it clash into other rocks below....well, so do I....and what I find really cool is that I am smiling and laughing about it while it dies. LOL!
Beautiful, isn't it?
Anyway....I will not miss out on those opportunities when I have an outstanding idea ever again. Not once more.
OMG, INCREDIBLE said that He's the one who gave me those things to do with Him.
I will not pass them by. Not ever again.
He will be my priority.
Sewing orders, even if they are already paid will have to wait. And even though it's hard to admit, so will school. Not sure what I'm trying to prove other than that I do still teach math and reading to the kids....but I find myself questioning why I do it the way public school does it...really???wtf for? WHY!?
I laugh that I do stupid shit.....I'm rather embarrassed that I do it the 'normal' way....and a bit ashamed.....wtf in my life have I ever done the 'normal' way???Has anything like that ever worked out and created amazingness????!!!!the answer is no.....
Normal does not create amazing....
Amazing creates Amazing.....
We will be amazing....because Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE is Amazing.... and I'm with Him. We are with Him.....you should be too.

Okay.....more ponderings besides that fall of norm...hmmmm

Nope....fight the normal...fight the ever growing tidal wave of mediocrity....fight the conformity and mindset of the masses.....we are more than that, better than that, and have known a more beautiful existence than what they can only pretend to know.
The fog looms....it grows....its presence lingers and approaches, albeit slow, but continuous. They watch from within its confines. They watch us and plan a way to shut out our light. To hide us away from their masses, away from the eyes of those they have blinded and placed in the dark. They want to silence us and make us run from them, hide from them, to cover our faces from the likes of the soiled.....
But He pleads to you. Come out from your caves, do not shut yourself up within the mountain. Come out of her....show them who we are. Who We are. Or are you ashamed of who is in you like all the others? Ashamed to do His work...speak His words, see with His eyes....? Then you suck...go hide in your caves...ask the rocks to fall on you too while your at it....
"Gott wird nicht Sein Werk manifestiert durch Feiglinge" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We stand as One....or not at all. You are either for Him or against Him. Stand or fall....there is no kneeling in war.
There is no inbetween....no more thinking about it....no more debating, or waiting for the right answer...there's no more time left for such trivial infantile squandering. No more hoping...no more praying....NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! Become or do not Become. Hold the sword or bleed by it. Wear the armor or be trampled by it. Yell out upon the housetops...or be silenced. Stand...or fall.

*sigh/grumble/I want to smack some light into your closed mind* there is no more time left to 'think' about it.

Where are my brothers and sisters?.....
Lu'ke teh sahn. -
hahaha...no translation to that unless you read my book ;) - http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/angelofmidknight

the dead of night??? ....hmmm

2012-01-01T17:10:00.000-08:00

Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

Take these broken wings and learn to fly.

All your life.

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

take these sunken eyes and learn to see.

All your life.

You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly. Blackbird fly.

Into the light of the dark black night.

We were just here...same time, same place last year. Same birds...same deaths. Same earthquakes. We are falling apart. We are falling....falling....into the dark.
Whether it be electromagnetic fractures, coronal mass ejections, x-class flares, or whatever else you can logicize up...where do you think you will go when it finally comes after you?

WheeeeeEEEEeee...that was fun.
But just to remind you that the following 5 days after the blackbird incident that there were mass fish and other bird deaths that affected even more places...so don;t be surprised when you hear another 100,000 things died.

Soooo, that was not so happiness....but....I admit I shouldn't read sppy books during a certain time during the week...I am such a sap!

BUT I had at least 3 OMG moments.......and one in particular that I will sorely be scarred from for eternity. In a good way though.....since I again got another confirmation that things in my head are in absolute truth FACT! I almost died....it was so freaking obvious and I just couldn't unbind the total similarity....omg.
I love Jesus so freaking much....
Yes, I'm a lunatic and crazy and insane and odd and strange and peculiar among other things....and it is beautiful! HAHA!!! Come laugh with me! We'll dance upon the fields of gold and eat cheese!

Ohhhh!!! and something else to share with you....
hang on, let me find a pic.....

Do you see it.....? Can you see it?....No, not the face in the tv...but close......
It is the dust! OMG!!! The beautiful dust!! The beautiful dirt and grime of our lives! The harsh things that burn us with fire...the distasteful side of life.....that which sears and scars....the dust.

Today...I caught one of my children whining that the other was taking up too much dust....in other words the one was scribbling far too much on the tv and the other didn't have enough room to draw their picture into the dust as well....
It was quite a beautiful sight, it was.
Reminded me of how we see our lives...all the good is great and we can go about thanking God and seemingly live in perfection. No dust, just squeaky clean.
That is until something not so good happens and we get offended and angry, maybe even whiny. Dust settles and we no longer see the shining light of our idea of perfection.
Do we then decide what He gave us is not worth being thankful for...?
Is it not enough? Even though we usually have no idea on earth or heaven why bad things happen...no idea what the reasons were....
It reminds me of the dust...it may not be squeaky clean and shiny too.... but the children made art with it.... little children forming designs across the glass creating a dream with their fingertips.... beautiful.
If you keep seeing the dust as a curse.....you will never see the beauty and glory of God in it.

Okay, just saying....

So how was your first day of 2012?! Mine was rather boring. Skylar and I finished a puzzle...but that's all that managed to be notable...besides the creation that adorned the dusty television.
And I realized I have camera class the same night as the roller derby thing....hmmmm so I'll only stay for a little while and then go to the class afterwards.
Then Wednesday I got me the business call with Catherine....which might make me a few minutes late to practice...but that's okay....cause I am again majorly and seriously considering dropping the business.....I just don;t care anymore. Sometimes I do and want to create..then the other 95% of the time I could care less...ugh...cause now I want to do photography.....damn it. See what being an artist of life does to you....I'm just glad hubby didn't reply when I told him I didn't care if I made any money at all, lol....I love him.
So unless this funk goes away... I will be disappearing for all but maybe 1 day a month or something.
I say I could work my tail off to save to buy my camera for my new adventure...but I'm sure the funds will go to gas and groceries as usual...and I'll never see a cent, like the whole last 4 months...
I even made more than 2010....but I didn't get to buy the camera, I didn't get to really buy anything we were so broke....and having $0.00 in paypal sucks ass when you have 10 orders to fill and you already spent the money on gas or food.....
I will never do that again.
So hoping Catherine can sort that out for me or give me some ideas because this sucks!!!!! I hate how this has played out!
If by Jan. 31...I still feel this way I will throw it all out the window on fire and I will laugh at its demise.
What's bad is I aimed to be good at what I do when I started...and I did...and now there's nowhere else to go with it. I can't keep up with all orders, I can't afford to pay for help (or have patience to fix it if I have to) I don;t want to make ho-hum crap just to make a buck and I can't open a store in this town (or the one closest) because no one will buy it or can afford it. I will not work for free or cheap either.
So, I am stuck....if I can't go up anymore, I will burn it to the ground and use the ashes to fund my new hobby. YAY!
See I'm still happy cause I got something fun to do. haha!

Alright, enough blah blah crap....I'm going to go read more of that sad book I'm reading.....
but since we are recommending books...the one I'm reading is listed 2 blog posts ago...tis very good...and sad...and gave me a omg moment. ;)

New recommended book is..... hmmm... 'The life of Pi'....which I only read cause I found myself lingering on some weirded out website and heard it was good.....which it wasn't that good, but I often find myself thinking about it.... it kinda is weird, lol. Like 'Host' by Stephanie Meyer was good too...and you go back and think about much too often..weird....anyway, that's 2 books so you had better thank me for even bothering with the first.
Have fun chilly disco balls gleaming rays of orange juice and pickles! dance, and dance it well!

Misterios nunca son tan fermosos como o día en que mistificam ti.
Google translate will help you figure that out.

A year for the dreams of pain

2011-12-31T17:03:00.000-08:00

Well...I had another dream last night...it wasn't one fo those 'We have to leave right now!' dreams thankfully, but still...it was a bit ...how do I say it....odd.
I have strange dreams (don't we all) but this one was above average strange.

We were in a city, a modernized city, something more up to date than what you usually see (at least in Tennessee). Really fancy like, but not to the point of overly futuristic.
I was on the streets...no cars, just people walking. I don;t even think there were roads?? Anyway, suddenly everyone started to walk inside the nearest building to them....me included. Sort of like we knew we had to go inside because something was coming. No one ran or spoke, but in an amazingly orderly fashion we went to the closest building near us. (Almost like programed zombies...weird.)
I knew my family was at out apartment in another building, and I wasn't even concerned about them, I was sure they were safe.
When we filed into the building (me and the other people from the street) we went up to the highest level that we could get to. Everyone was standing around, but now they were talking trying to figure out what was happening.
Then we could hear the wind outside and there was bright flashing lightning (but no thunder) going on outside. Everyone started freaking out.
In this building there were these large roundish sculptures, I started to climb in behind them once everyone began running and screaming. The window above us was gone (not sure if it got busted out or what, I didn't hear it) but water was splashing into the room, sorta like rain, but it was splashing up from downward, not falling from the sky??
More people screamed and took cover. I knelt down inbetween the pieces of sculpture to stay safe from whatever was happening outside. ( I could no longer see from where I was, but I could still see the lightning flash)
There was a small group of people to my right who were crouched together crying. A single person to my left who was scared and shaking.
I squatted there calmly as I watched them...trying to figure out why they were so scared.....when I myself knew that I was safe and secure...and then I woke up.

I didn't wake up suddenly with my freak-out meter beeping (which would be serious cause for alarm) but still....it was too strange.
Now that I think back, maybe it was a flood...but it came too quickly, so perhaps a tsunami? No clue on the lightning with no sound, except it reminds me of the other dream with the lightning that formed from the red cloud things....sigh. It's impossible to analyze dreams, until after something happens, lol.
But we were in a new fancy city....I wonder if this means hubby will get that job and they'll relocate us to somewhere else...hmmm...near the beach...like Virginia....
I like the beach and I'm really glad we were safe...well, my family was safe and I was safe....and evidently I had more money than I do now, because I was wearing a fancy suit.
I wonder if I had a camera around my neck?? okay, there I go daydreaming now, lol.
No fun watching people scream and run for their lives...I feel sorry for them...that they do not have peace...they do not have security...they do not have sanctity and they do not know how to take rest....but are rather swallowed with fear. :(

So it's also new year's eve....what do you think of that? I think it's great and lame all at the same time, lol. But am very glad 2011 is over, cause it was ho-hum. I guess that means I'm ho-hum too. Oh well.
Looking back...let's see..what happened in 2011...
A bundle of people proved how far they are from their God.... found me some real winners right there.
Roller derby.... cool ass roller derby :) love! (but it's making me kinda broke)
Sewing work....I made more than last year....but now I hate it. Perfect! :) 'cause I want to be a photographer now.
Got a fancy CH/A unit...love! House is warm and electric bill is the same (not including that loan payment on the system though) love
Felt better this year since we stopped drinking the poisonous tap water and now pay double for spring water....love feeling better...but you'd think the tap would be safer than it is. Kinda really sad that people out there still use it to drink...or worse if they give it to their kids/babies/pets....even my plants die if I water them with the tap water....sad, and it makes me angry.
New truck, love...new truck payment...don't love.
Fancy embroidery machine, love...but no longer awesome.
My book 2 is almost finished, love....but it really needs about 5 more chapters and I don't have anything to add to make it longer, haha. (I will not do what Stephen King does and talk about stupid crap to fill up pages...STUPID!!!!)
I got my CCP, pretty cool...but really pointless if I don;t have my own thing to carry with me...duh...but that's what being poor does to you :)
I even got my tax id and a resell permit for my biz...but NOOOOO, I can't afford to buy the fabric in bulk to start out....and it is stupid to pay taxes if you make under $20K a year....stupid.
What else....I helped two wonderful kittens. I gave away stuff (and have more if someone wants to come pick it up) I worked for another boutique (like a real job!) I painted a desk (that tells the future!!!oooohhhhhhoooohhhh!!!) I learned a bit about astronomy. Taught the kids a bunch of cool stuff and neglected the dumb school stuff :)
Got a new mattress earlier this year and now I hate it....boo
I'm growing out my hair...boo.....BUT, only so long and then I'm going to dye it red for a photoshoot and then I'm going to cut it all off!!! Yay! :)
I have a pretty garden this year, but I am still finding it difficult to find a place to put the butterfly bush....ugh. It looks like a big weed and it needs sun, and everywhere but the center of my yard is shade, and I don;t want it in the center of my yard....boo
The people in my head are real....I have proof and confirmation... :)
I don;t think I had a visitation with the big guy this year that resorted to a freak-out...or maybe I did....they all feel like they happened just the other day....sigh.
I started this blog, haha....which freaked out a few certain people because I talked about South Park....whatever, lol. I think you're all funny.
Not sure what else....went to the beach, fun!
Black Friday shopping sucked ass this year since everyone else went out the day before....whatever people...you suck. I didn't even get anything good except a back-up sewing machine for when I kill mine.
I learned to make homemade cookies without milk. Yum
I read some books, cool.
I watched some movies, cool
Got some guineas....which are fine except the one female we ended up with makes a thousand times more noise than the others...yikes! and I thought roosters were bad!
Successfully taught the kids all the states, capitols, and bones...although I'm not sure how much they retained of it, lol. It's been awhile since we reviewed.

There's doorway, high atop the spanning hillside. through the door is where you'll find your rest. No rushing, no hurry. No fighting with time. Peace of joy and beginnings and endings.
You know you need to do something....you know something is wrong...when you are at the breakfast table..."Hurry up, quickly, finish, are you done yet?" During the schooltime hours..."hurry up, stay focused, get it done, quickly." Chores and tasks, ..."hurry up, come on! Grab that, this, now go." Dinner..."move, clean that up, wash your hands, sit down, hurry, now get done..."...the constant voice behind your lips that forces out something other than what your heart pleads. "Let's go, get in the car...move it! We need to go!" the rush...that struggle, the attempt to control time...to control your world, to control your life and your surroundings, to control those around you to have them fall into perfect alignment with the made up fantasy that you were raised to believe is real....
No....stop....step through the doorway. Nothing will ever be as you think it should be. everything is perfect as it is...it is you who needs to change...you who needs to let go....do not be afraid...He is there, within you, waiting, making you look up to the door, pleading for you to let go of everything...
but your heart is silenced, His voice is covered by the tension behind your lips....."quickly, now, hurry."
Stop...look, listen...feel......
You are missing so much...you could die tomorrow. You could die and you will have rushed getting there.
Scream out the control....Scream into the howling wind. Let it all go......

I would seriously recommend clearing your chakras!
Since I am ushering a new book recommendation each post for January (even though its not Jan. yet...) I can sadly say that all the supposed chakra books I have ever read are literately stupid! So your in luck...but if you want to go about the simple...'omg, that totally makes sense' version, I recommend watching the episode of Avatar:The Last Airbender (cartoon series!!) where Aang is hanging out with the guru and learning about how the chakras are and what you need to do to clear them...I am serious, the cartoon actually tells you more in one 20 minute episode than any book I have read about them......Go watch it! I think it's Book:Earth, chapter...: something or other...it's right before the day of Black Sun battle...
Just saying...it's pretty awesome. But the chakra things is wicked cool...but you need to be sure you take it further and involve God in it too...about that letting go thing....cause there is so much more to Him than what you taught yourself to believe ;)
Have fun with that.

Yikes, it's late, I gotta go write in my other book! (after I grab me a piece of cake!) Love you all, beautiful crystals upon the setting sun of rage and glory. ...

I forgot to give you your gift....
I found this on an angel's page (at least I'm going to call this person that...because there's something magical about them) -
Please go listen...it's rather beautiful...but I'm sad we all have forgotten what real magic is....
GO HERE--it is my gift to share with you....

Við skulum bera saman við sjávarföll á undying ást ... í hjarta konungs okkar
Google translate will help you figure that out, much love lightning bugs ;)

The gifts that are unseen....

2011-12-30T18:44:00.000-08:00

There's things in every life that we overlook and forget the meaning of. Things and memories that seem insignificant until we are without them for a time.
Like the sun that breaks through the clouds after a week of dreary overcast days. We see the sun once again and our eyes light up to meet it. The rays that streak upon the trees and cast shadows across the ground. We remember the beauty and the warmth that it holds.
Like a child's laugh after a week of feeling not so well, we remember how things ought to be.
Why is that when we have these gifts....we continue to overlook them as something as the norm? Is not every beautiful thing, every amazing thing, every simple thing a gift?
Like the purring of your cat when you hold their body close to your ear. The rumble of its joyful life. Peace. Happiness that it shares with you. Is that also not a gift?
Or perhaps the way that african violets and miniture roses bring us joy when they bloom in the winter, and in the fall, and spring, and summer too? Mine do, they sit atop the shelf in my kitchen and share their joy by producing such colorful gifts each and every season unending...or in the case with the african violets they produce far more than I have room for....but I still appreciate their radical blooming strategies and get excited when I once again see even more buds poke up from underneath their circular leaves....
and my miniture rose bush that stretches out a vine as far as it can go, its tender vine leaning against the window, its leaves facing outward to the skies....and a tiny bud envelopes the end...the best gift it can bestow.

These gifts....so obvious, yet overlooked by so many.... I strive to not let my eyes fall away from seeing these gifts. Gifts given by Him who carried them to me.

Sometimes I wonder why. Why for whatever reason was I worthy of any of this....
I'm sure you haters out there think the same thing.
Sometimes we crawl back into the corner and throw stones at the mirror that reflects our image. We hate ourselves. We are faulty and it shows in our failures. We are nothing other than the dust that we trod upon. Worthless. Hopeless. Lost. Unloved, unthanked, unremembered, forgotten, and scolded.
Why would anyone think we fail on purpose? Do they think we go to the trouble of proving our worthlessness when all we ever wanted was a friend that wouldn't judge?

Then there's the other side of the mirror...not the one on the outside where we cast our stones...but the one on the inside. Here we know we are perfect and could only be considered as such so long as it also included our flaws. The flaws are what define and gives definition. Engraves our soul to see and hear and understand the words that He speaks.
This is Wabi Sabi....the finding of beauty in the mundane and ugly. Redefining who and what perfect is and just seeing it perfect just as it is. Like He sees us.

Its like seeing an old rusty car parked in the middle of a wheat field. The wheat is ready for harvest in the blazing orange sunset...the car is trapped by the grain, yet looks out from the field....it was once loved, but now forgotten....but is it? A bird makes its home within the fender and a family of mice live among the cushioned void of a back seat. Memories of a child pretending to drive a racecar echo from the steering wheel....beauty never ends, it never hides.
Those who can't see it only close their eyes to it...and forget...and refuse to see it wherever their hearts may refuse to look...because they don;t want to see beauty in anything else....they are caged..... and they cannot hear His voice tell them that the door is not locked, they only need to open it.

It's the end of the year....the challenges of a few weeks ago and beyond are long forgotten. Bills still follow at your heels just the same as the last year, they still plague those of us who will not pass up opportunity and say yes to experience and life.... I am guilty of this.
and I may possibly be guilty forever...because money will not dictate what I do or do not do.....it perhaps only delays it, but never says no..there is no 'no'. Only 'maybe later'...
The world revolved and evolved into a more hateful place and its people forgot who they were, forgot whose they were. People judged and condemned and withheld peace from one another. Animals died...children suffered...and not one thing you have to show for it....

There was no cure for cancer. World hunger did not cease. Peace became a fantasy. Trash still litters the streets outside. Families still struggle and are dying from the stress of not only the economy, but from forgetting the beauty. You haven't even spoken to your neighbor in months. Your friend just wants someone to talk to. Your children still hope oneday it will all get better....you keep telling yourself that....it will all be better one day...oneday.
Sorry.....but I must not silence my thoughts, I should not spare you the heat from the furnace....I will not. Cover your ears, but do not avert your eyes....Look for His face.

One day will never come if you don;t have it right now. Why just oneday....why not everyday...every single day.
You people keep saying you are waiting....waiting for Him to come back and save your pansy asses, to take you away from your work....away from your struggles....away...argh!
I think you need a high five...in the face...with a chair...or an iron...no wait, an anvil.
Save you??? really? He saved you the day He gave you eyes to see and ears to hear....but I am supposing you are still deaf and blind and dumb too...
I told you before that Heaven is not a place you will 'oneday' go.... it is a life you will live...and you don;t have to wait for it....just accept it..accept the gift....all the gifts He has already given you....
Screw all your hopeful dreams that you'll need to die first before things will get better...sorry....but things will get better the instant you see them as such...see than as His...see them with new eyes....
"Death is the stripping away of all that is not you. And discover, there is no death."

Oh well...enough of my rant...I don;t want to be mean. I love you all too much.
I'm just saying that everything is possible now, today. And a new year is beginning, even though I think the idea of 'new year's resolutions' utterly suck just as bad as the idea of christmas.
Point being that we shouldn't need a date to take a stand upon our own lives.....do or do not...as Yoda says. All there is is now.
And christmas ....do you really need a special day to give a gift...any gift....do you need that special date to call your family or say hello....ugh...stupid, stupid, stupid. All there is is now.... Did God only give gifts on christmas? Does that mean He doesn't do it any other day?...you suck if you don;t know what I mean. I'm not explaining to stupid people.
and YES, I call people stupid sometimes...heck even I do stupid things sometimes...but me and Him like to have good laughs about it. Geesh. Someone throw this box into the furnace...it's getting cold in here.
Back to the now in the real world....oh wait...I just watched the last Harry Potter movie the other night... (btw, I'm not really a Potter fan, I thought it was dumb) ...Anyway when Harry was in the the white train station near the end....the wizard guy said that "Just because it's in your head, doesn't mean it isn't real."...I had an OMG moment.... This counts as another living proof that the things in my head will manifest....see....I'm not crazy...the wizard guy said so. :P nah nah nah!!! Lol.

Ok, I might be a little crazy, but I can live with that ;)

In other odd happenings.... I'm gonna recommend a book for you all...and I am utterly sorry, but it is a Christian based book...but I'm reading it and only got to like the 4th chapter so far...but it's called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.
I kinda really like her blog, so I had to get the book and well....you should read it...or once I'm finished you can borrow it, just let me know.

I think maybe I should give you a book recommendation each blog post for January...what you think?...but you may not like some of them, haha!! I promise it won;t be those dumbass summer reading books they forced us to read in school (like 'The Old Man in the Sea' what a horrible stupid book that I will never make my kids have to suffer through!!!) and I'll leave off the weirded out book about sociology and brain patterns...because frankly, those were boring as shit and only really learned something useful the fourth page from the end...go figure. And I will guarantee there will be no Stephen King books....omg, I hate his writing style...I do not care about the cup on the table, where it came from, who made it, and the origin of the paints that are on the cup...the damn cup doesn't freakin matter!!! He must like to fill ten pages about the dumb cup when it has absolutely nothing to do with the story...STUPID!!!!!!!!ARGH!!! I wasted 3 days of my life attempting to read one of his books...never again! I'll stick to the movies...maybe..even those need help.

So...want to hear some good news......... me too, please share?
Oh...it's almost January, which means in about a month or two...we get income tax in...which means we get a large bill paid off.....which means that I can possibly maybe afford that Nikon D7000 with the 250mm lens....

And I wrote a list today regarding my work (sewing) ...and I will follow it rather closely, so if I come on here and complain that I hate sewing.... it's because I've failed at that task...
But I have a conference call with Catherine from Cash and Joy on the 4th and I'm sure she will be able to make sure I do not fail myself...I'm excited and skeered!!!Lol!

and the truck is messed up....hubby will be taking it to the dealer Tuesday after work (assuming it doesn't die before then) anyway, we have a warranty, so they should fix it up..we think it may be the coil pack...maybe he'll get a nice rental car..like a mustang or something awesome...
Bad news though is its $100 to have them fix it, regardless (but the coil pack is $100's of dollars) so not too bad, except, it would be nice if we had $100 extra laying around. And here we were thinking January was going to be better than December. HA! Yay, for contradictions and challenges that help me laugh into the face of realism. :) So we will end it on the thought that today is great...and tomorrow will be awesome...and the next day will be amazing...and the day after that will be stupendous! And so on.... :)

Smile, Jesus loves you.

Lol....I couldn't resist....I like to mess with you by saying stuff that I really mean but make you assume I don;t mean, but really do so you think I don;t, but do...kwim?

Attraversare il buio con una luce che non va mai fuori.
Google translate will help you figure that one out ;)

Chirping with the music....

2011-12-28T20:36:00.000-08:00

Sooooo..... we all know stuff (as in things we want but don't really need) is hard to get and hard to keep and even harder trying to find a way to afford.... Similar to this......which is so gonna be mine in the future....I hope.

Why is it so hard to have something that really is nice?
It reminds me of my boots. My boots that I bought from buckle.com.....those boots that I absolutely LOVE!!!
I even woke up in the middle of the night to pick them up off the floor so our new puppy at the time wouldn't even have a chance to even think about looking at them the wrong way....those boots.
They were not cheap, though I do admit they were not the $250 ones I saw at Eddie Bauer...those were also awesome looking...but I compromised and bought these that were just as awesome for less than half the price.
Yes, it was more than we could afford. Yes, I didn't ask permission to buy them. I just did and the ups guy delivered them in 3 days.
I love my boots and they are awesome. I spent a pretty shiney couple hundred quarters on them too...and you do get what you pay for. = LOVE.
Unlike the mattress we bought that we cheaped out on and is not as comfortable as it should have been. Unlike the other pieces of cheap crap we ever bought and they turned out to be just that - crap.
And people wonder why I am set on a Nikon D7000 and not an old out of date cheapo Nikon D300 from the twilight zone of the past....or some other brand that promises a bunch of bull, I have reasons for wanting this one and much too long to write about....

And I get to do a photoshoot for an ad...and then I get do do a calendar photoshoot that I've been dying to bring into reality....
And I find this fascinating..because this new adventure is breaking me away from sewing...I hate sewing, other than things I want to sew. Like that cape for my photoshoot....DUH!
Anyway...I wanna go do great things...and I have to deal with what I got until I get that thing pictured above.
It would be nice to have rich friends or have someone buy me it with the 200mm lens kit.... so I can do even greater things quicker. But don;t give me money, because I would pay off bills...because unfortunately I am responsible most of the time...and I really would need to ask if I spent that much on something...just sayin.

But we live in the real world.....where no one helps a girl out. And I can't do it myself very fast....it takes time and planning and detailed explaining so when I can kinda sorta afford it, I will get to buy it on my own....but that won't make you look any better....just sayin'
but I can take your picture and photoshop the hell out of it and charge you a session fee and you will look better then....how's that sound?

Oh! Good news though....it's my turn coming up with catherine from Cash and Joy for the free hour consult....omg...I'm skeered.
Lol. Gotta talk business and stuff and I suck at that. I'm excited though.

And the things in the fog (assuming you read my last blog post) ...they are getting louder...what's the deal? I hope they will bring me a camera so I can take their picture and post it on facebook before I get eaten...or they die. Just sayin'
Things are so weirded out....but I feel we are on a lunch break right now or something....waiting.
And what's with the strange cloud things that have been popping up in the sky in Texas and Mexico?? They kinda look like those damn cloud circles I had the dream about...that were followed by the red spots that turned into a large silent storm and we had to get out of there....hmmm....

So anyway, let's talk about something useful....How about time and peace and thanksgiving....

I have a violin....I got it off of one of those Target daily deals for $50....and believe me it was awesome...and I like my violin except for the fact that it is cheapy (read above regarding that) but great for a on the moment splurge. Anyway... besides the fact that the violin how-to books teach you the hard way and not the easy way how to play, it;s rather fun playing with it.
You need to get the timing right to make the song song correct. You need to be peacefully calm when you play or the tension in your hand and arm will flow out from the strings harshly (unless you want it that way)....and you need to be thankful that it has only a few notes on it compared to a guitar....so it;s much easier to learn in that sense.
Similar to our lives....we need the correct timing to have things brought to perfection, for things to be set right or the right timing to make them right. Time to learn patience and to build our strength. Timing that we must wait upon....as it is not under our control....
I can't make the things in the fog rush out or flee...or tell them to do anything....them or us...we just have to wait.

Peace? Calmness? What is that? Oh wait...I remember....but for some reason I forget rather quickly when I think up the list of things that need done. Things that are waiting on me...things I can't just tend to right now....these things steal my peace....and they make you forget that peace and they make you forget Him. Forget that He is the only thing you should be listening to.
You know I have heard His voice...but once when He said "Stand up." ...It wasn't a suggestion.... obeying is life. Turn your ear towards His calling....not to your own, not to your brethren. Not to anything other than what He gives you at that moment. then you will know peace...and it will flow through you.
No more yelling or anxiety...or sorrow. Because the best you can do is serve Him...serve His people that He gave you.
and if others think that what you are doing is less than the best, ...tell them to try serving Him and see if what they do is better than what you are doing....He doesn't play favorites...(though He does laugh at some people) ;) namely me mostly..but still, just sayin'

Ok...and thanksgiving.... be thankful for what you have....at least the not cheapy crap that falls apart...lol.
I'm thankful for my boots and for the other unnumberable moments and people and situations that surround me. .. for it all really... except... hmmmmmm except nothing. I can;t even think of something so bad...that isn't good in some form... ticks and fleas and mosquitoes maybe...and poisonous bad things that may hurt people...that kinda stuff.

Gotta go, me tired.

So in an effort to say goodbye in a more random exciting fashion....

Ik zal schreeuwen met de huilende wind.

google translate will help you figure that out.... much love furry catydids of fury and wine.

A Warrior's Heart

2011-12-18T16:19:00.000-08:00

There's a stand still. Motionless. Silent. Eyes open. Sword in hand.
All is quiet and still. Not even the wind survives. We stand ready. We are waiting.....but for what?

This is where I find myself. It feels odd and strange and somewhat needed. I stand alone, although I know there are others who stand with me. I cannot see them or hear them, but I know they are there. Perhaps that different plane of existence or something. I know they are there....I do not hope they are or assume they are...no, I am sure of it. We are all waiting for something, but He will not say.
We are not rushed or afraid. We stand like guards, although we know once it begins that we too will fight into battle.
Are we the front line? Where is our Lord?
Where is the enemy?
Out beyond us is nothing but barren land. Dry ground...devoid. A think fog covers the distance. It is silent, but deep inside you can feel the movements of what's coming. You can hear it's breath.
Our Lord comes by to keep us awake as we wait, though He has not spoken for quite some time. I do not ask Him to, as I know we are waiting and we must stay alert for the arrival of what is to come.
I ponder how long we must wait, as in human life terms, we all know it is a short time...and many days are lost while we patiently stand in the midst.
I'm sure we are accruing wisdom, along with patience and endurance in this time, but sometimes the watching is enough to make you forget that things do not run on our own time.
Inside I feel like I am not worthy to wear such armor. To carry this sword. To stand at this line. To stand among so many others who are far more worthy than me.
I have failed time upon time. Fallen again and again. Learned but then forgotten all that He has taught. Why does He think I can fight in this army? I am not afraid of the enemy, but only of failing Him.

It is strange....that we stand here without wanting to move from our guard. We want to stay and uphold the line. To wait and strike down any enemy that may come from the fog ahead. To serve Him without question or delay. We stand. And we will fight when the time comes.....and it is coming soon.

It's like a spiral...like when you have a string with a weight at the end...and you twirl it around your finger....the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes....
Have you seen what these times have wrought....? All of what has been destroyed? What has been built? The expansiveness of mankind at a rate like that of a racecar on the Audubon.

time is fast...and it comes swiftly. Let it not surprise you one day when you find that the sun no longer rises....but only the fog.
Fog of confusion and desolation. Of being lost. No longer yourself, but that which you must be so as to not get punished. Your words will be silenced....your hearts will be caged. You will know the pain of your existence and will be unable to break free. Fear will hold you captive...and so will your thoughts....

We are the front line. And we will hold the line...but only you can ask to join the army....You may not be placed with us...but He will place you just where you need to be...

that was....ummm...weird. I guess I should've put that on my other page...probably not this one, lol...You're really going to think I'm messed up now...hahaha!

Anyway...back to this dimension....but not really, as I have been finding it more and more and more and more difficult to stay here.... it's weird. Kinda like when you have one of those messed up dreams or visions....and you can't get it off your mind for one second and it stays there for weeks on end....and you think you will never have your regular life back...not that your regular life is all that appealing anyway.
Mine kinda sucks. Not bad...but...
Without a passionate goal to conquer (because we are waiting - see above) it just kinda feels like what you do throughout your average day is just like ho-hum... Like it all only matters for today, because tomorrow it won't.
Just yesterday I was cleaning around the house a bit and I just had the strangest thought pop into my head...it just felt like I was cleaning a hotel room. That I won't be here but for a little while, and it really doesn't matter if it is super clean or organized...because in just a little while it won't matter...it's all just borrowed stuff and soon, it won't even belong to you anymore.
I admit though, that kinda freaks me out....and excites me.
I'm kinda really anxious on the outside, but on the inside I'm like a little kid who's standing before a big present and gets to open it in about 5 minutes...standing there doing a little hop and clapping your hands together lightly so as not to make a scene....lol.
I'm awful....I know you have no clue as to what I'm talking about....and it's okay. It really is relieving to just write it down.

Anyway....I finished chapter 15 in my book last night....and oh my...the good part is starting, so that means instead of about 3 hours writing, I'll be doing it until sunrise...because you just can't stop when you are in the ZONE!! And it is the good part...and near the end...so I'm excited!!! And plus I get to spend more time with my characters, whom I love...yay!

I also want to say that I have stuff I should be doing....but I'm not....and I am willing to live with that choice.
I am literately on the verge of purging all that does not allow me to BE. So please bear with me if I seem harsh or really quiet at times. I'm just realigning my mojo and jamming the switch permanently into the ON position.
Just a friendly reminder (warning) :)

I'm gonna go have a bowl of Cherrios here in a sec, and then after that, I'm not sure...no promises...I'll be just wherever I find myself :)

.......and standing and waiting, with sword in hand.

Apples keep falling on my head.....

2011-12-17T08:14:00.000-08:00

Freaking out a bit here....
Apples.....

I read this article today CLICK HERE...which I thought was kinda cool....because well, I had painted it back in June of this year....see

Which made me think of the other stuff I painted on this desk...which includes a lunar eclipse???big waves???a dragon too??, swinging star??...I'm kinda having a WTF moment...
See..the thing is most of the time I only get those WTF moments when I go back and read some of my deviant art journal posts from a long time ago...because I read them and realize I had written some of that just before something either amazing or life changing had occurred...and I even wrote that something was coming...so I tend to freak out a bit...but then I saw the apple thing and well...I think I am examining certain things a little more closely now...

This does not include the shit I just heard on youtube just the other day about the two moons people have been seeing in their dreams...because I had a dream like that too...and you can go back to my posts in either Sept or Oct. about those whacked dreams I had because I wrote that shit down...only because the ones I wake up from like that tend to have some sort of connection with reality....it's really messed up...

Anyway, I'm just sayin'....
I know things have been weird lately, even though nothing has actually happened....I still feel a strangeness. Idk.
So maybe if we get lucky...or all hell breaks loose...the people who say the Moon represents Jesus...means these two moon thingy's represent His second coming..that would be great, because I really don;t want to have to pay off my bills or worry about avoiding milk anymore....gonna go have that party and I'm gonna eat some banana pudding and caramel coated cupcakes and chocolate....milk chocolate. Lots of it.

But let's not get sucked into the hopeful and let's live for today!!!
Anyway...I was thinking about journeys.

and how we really never know where we are headed.
The truth is that it doesn't really matter where or when....just how. If we decide to be normal and play along with the game that everyone else seems to enjoy doing...or whether we decide to escape and walk outside the path. To unwrap ourselves fully and behold the treasures that were nicely tucked away under the barriers we placed before them....so no one would see who we are...no one would know who we are...no one could see us, feel us, or be able to hurt us....but is it really true that they couldn't hurt us...we had the barriers but still we hurt. Not only by others that we tried to hide from, but by ourselves as well from covering our lifeforce. Covering the light that shines within. We hurt ourselves...we hurt Him that gave us those treasures...we were ashamed of His gifts. Ashamed of someone seeing what we were born with.
Who taught us to do such things? To hide what He gave us? Was it society that said 'you are not good enough as you are therefore we will make you better'? Was it those who entered your life and told you that what you are is wrong, that you are not enough? Who was it? Who was it that said to be ashamed of yourself, to be ashamed of your gifts?
When you are ashamed of your treasures...and you hide them...and you refuse to let them out because you fear retribution....or scoffers...or haters....then you are ashamed of Him too....whether you realize it or not.
He revealed Himself and even with all the haters.....why do you fear to do the same? What are they gonna do to you?....
Nothing....because they are nothing....and they will not see His face on the Day of the Lord.

Yikes...really need to stop the rapture crap. But I'm just saying...

I don;t care who you are, I will tell you what I want to say. I will do whatever I want to do when I feel like doing it. I will do it even if I'm afraid. Even if no one else will. (Especially when no one else will) even if I don;t even want to....cause you got to set an example for your people..right?
Sometimes I get frustrated or pissed or sad or whatever...and the big man hears all about it without me having to worry about how I say it or whether or not I put 'dear Lord' at the beginning or 'amen' at the end...screw that shit....cause when you have to talk, you have to talk...Do you really think you can hide from Him like you do the world? Do you fear your own father?....That you're not good enough for Him either?....that you won;t say it right, or ask for something the right way...that you need to do something before he'll pay attention to you? WHAT!!??
See what society has done to you....they scarred you. See what sin has done....it has made you ashamed of Him....

But whatever....it's your life.
Have a nice day :)

so what if I have too much going on...

2011-12-14T12:03:00.000-08:00

......simply put.
Things are really weird.

Gonna do this the easy way today....
http://shadowdragondreams.deviantart.com/journal/
yay for links! :)
and pictures...

Didn't have time to really do a good search for what I wanted...but just think if I had my good camera (Nikon D7000 + lenses, hint hint)...I'd be out taking pictures to go with whatever weirded out things I may write. Just so you know.

btw....I'm suffering from a bout of ADD...so if I come write something again later, just deal with it...and if I do nothing today, it'll be okay...and if I decide to do something that makes you go....'ooookkkkkaaaayyy???'.....it'll be fine, it's just the way I roll sometimes.

Lol....I just put bout and roll in the same sentence....derby practice is not until tomorrow...argh.
Argh?? Like a pirate...I think Johnny Depp played a really hot pirate except probably for the smell...but I still think he's kinda cute as Jack Sparrow.
And pirates usually have more money than me...and wouldn't that be great to have more money...being broke sucks. Not that I would buy anything except for a few Christmas gifts for the kids....sigh. Still...
still....being still would be awesome...like being not constantly moving, thinking, or doing.
That reminds me, I need to really go get schoolwork organized....yikes....that requires sitting in the same spot for at least 2 hours, so I am probably going to do that after I leave here...
School sucks. I remember school...and it sucked...I hope my kids realize how good they have it not having to get it seared in their heads that they have to meet so-and-so certain requirements to be or do anything. Nope, they can be them...and that is what is perfect. Perfect in their own eyes, not in that of their teachers or society. Well, except maybe for Jesus too...
Anywho....Jesus rocks.
Do you know it is kinda nice outside today....it would be really awesome if I had something to do outside, but I already finished the other outside stuff, so now I'm back inside delaying the task of schoolwork organizing.
I need coffee...gonna go now, but I may think about maybe possibly coming back later when I don;t have so much on my mind....and I want to thank Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE for smacking me upside the head this morning....
goodbye.

machines are for pimps

2011-12-13T17:33:00.000-08:00

Today is Tuesday. Messed around with my embroidery machine and realize that every single embroidery place I searched on for awesome designs unfortunately only carries cutsie designs. Wow.
Now that is good if I wanted to do cutesy, but bad if I want to do awesome....see my dilemma?
Anyways, looking like I will have to learn to do my own digitizing...because the custom software that came with the machine is for infants who want to make circles or squares....not awesomeness...and I don;t want to pay for something I will only use maybe a handful of times or less.
Yay for education and learning.....ugh

The yudu machine is being stupid....I followed the directions to a T....and it is denying me the satisfaction of it actually working like the how-to video shows it working. BUT, me and my awesomeness is going to try it MY way....., then if all else fails, I have an ebay seller's account I can put to good use.

I've been finding that doing things the hard way really has been the best way...because when I try to make it easier for myself...it comes out not as good, not as awesome, and just plain sad....
It's like seeing awesome art on deviantart.com for free, then paying someone to make awesome art, but getting something worse than your two year old could draw.....very depressing.

It's like seeing Jesus, then waking up....and you realize nothing in this plane of existence will ever be enough again. Sad, it really is.
But, that's my life....and we all have to deal with it, lol.

Sooooo......went to camera club today too...and I am really wanting my Nikon D7000 right about now....because the door of opportunity is wide open, but I can't go through it because of lack of proper equipment. I want to hit something it is so frustrating.

Oh, and since we are dreaming about getting a nice camera.....hubby applied for a fancy conductor job....trainee pay is the same as he makes now, and besides the having to travel to the trainee place, it tops out at double what we make now....soooo....if we have to relocate it had better be near the beach.... He can do that, and I can open my shop....and go swimming every warm day of the year.... yeah... :)
I'll have good skin...and every hurricane we get to take a vacation, lol

Do you realize how expensive invisalign is?!
Just sayin'

I'm off to do a few more embroidery designs, then going to go write and finished chapter 14... *happy

No words of wisdom today except that the original Mayan calander end date was December 24th, 2011, but they had changed it in the 1980's to Dec 21, 2012....but don't expect anything cool to happen, it never does :(

Oh, and go hug a child today....you may be the only one who gave them a piece of joy....a piece of yourself.
Much love hoolagins full of dreamberry wine. Shade and Sweet Water.

Grrr..Yay...awww...boo...argh...hooray!

2011-12-11T17:30:00.000-08:00

Today I sewed up a very cute princess dress with layers of ruffles and 4 princesses on the front.....
I did, yep, I sure did....but I'm a bit sad...because I didn't actually enjoy it. Nope, not really...
See, I didn't loathe it like I do with orders (mainly because I kept telling myself, I don't have to do this at all!) and not to mention I got it all done before dinner, and it turned out cute enough and it wasn't as hard as I remembered those types of dresses being....
But...I didn't enjoy it....and I don;t want to waste my time with things I don't enjoy....
I could have gotten something more pressing done because it's actually important, or I could have just took a nap.
I was also thinking that maybe I could get paid for it right away and my paypal would have some sort of $$ in it so we can pay for gas this week. too...but of course, the world is out to get me and the buyer is waiting until Friday.
Which is fine I guess...not awesome, but whatever. I am patient...enough.
I can't tell you how awfully sick I am of just fine or whatever....I want FUCKING AWESOME!!!! Is that so much to ask every now and then?
I know I'm probably one of the least deserving people on the planet, and that's fine and all....but shit. Can't I get a break. Hell far...what's bad is if I wasn't broke as shit, I'd be doing things for other people...but now I am starting to think that I should just give up and turn into an evil greedy person, so's at least I can enjoy a tiny piece of my labors....
Everyone else does.

And then I also start thinking...things like how they say 'you know who' is all you need....well, that's crap too. Yeah, you get that great foundation, but the issue is that He wants you to build on it...and unfortunately He doesn't give blueprints, provide the construction crew, materials, or funds, to do such endeavors. Which sucks. When you ask what He wants, He shrugs and smiles....ugh....why is He so difficult....just like a guy.
Anyway....so even though whatever you build will stand, the fact remains that you yourself will change and you can tear down and rebuild anytime you damn well please and that foundation will always be there to hold you up.
The hard part is knowing what you want to build....and then wanting to build it.

I built things before....but I must be honest....tearing them down is way more fun than building them, no matter how long they took....
Like a sand castle....you spend all sun scorched day building and moistening and carving out windows and doors and turrets....and when you are finished, you get a pic and then the inspiration hits to pretend to be King Kong or Godzilla or a deranged giant and you and the kids smash it to smithereens.....and you have more fun than building it... so after hours of labor.....the last 30 seconds were the greatest....
Yeah...good times.

hahahahaha!!!! I just thought of something....but shoot me if you think it's way too religious (I despise religion, get over it) ...anyway....I wonder if that's the way it is until Jesus comes back. You know...working your ass off for nothing, but then afterwards you find out it never mattered, but you get to have a party anyway.
Assuming you believe that. I don;t care what you believe...and I'm too contradictory to share what I believe.....because believing is one big fat joke....and the whole world fell for it. ...I get to sit here laughing at it...although it's no funner than falling for it, so I guess we are both screwed.
and the only cure is re releasing it all and starting over....but even that holds no joy except for being able to breath better until the next time you rely on your own thinking again.

As you can probably tell by now, I'm a bit irritated and sad and happy and passive tonight. I am sure it is quite confusing since I'm rambling about nothing in particular...

In the short version....I want to quit sewing. I want to take pictures, but I don;t have my Nikon D7000 and I don;t have clients. I don;t even want to talk to people sometimes, lol....I swear I am losing it thinking I could be a people person. oh, and I don;t want to have to drive somewhere to do a photoshoot all the time. I have kids, I have a long way to drive to get anywhere too. and I am poor. I guess I am screwed.

Now, back to being AWESOME....you know what...I just want to be wanted....everything else can go screw itself.

Want something happy? Me too, please share.
Oh wait....my piece o'crap kodak camera is not dead yet, which is good. Target has a guitar on sale for $33, which is good...oh wait...I want my camera to die and I really don;t need a guitar....damn it...
Happy....hmmm???? Lol... I know...today hubby acknowledged my adopted brothers.....even though they really aren't and I never met them... :) that makes me happy, that I can adopt pretend family members....and now my insanity has been acknowledged and therefore it MUST be true!!!
Yay!!

Funny though that I have a handful of adopted uncles and brothers, but no girls...lol, unless you count derby sisters, but I know them, lol. Oh wait, I'm adopting 9Nania from youtube, because she's a nut like me. I think that's all...so far.
I think I might go to bed early...or go write a bit in my book since I'm almost done with chapter 14. Though I am afraid book 2 just might end at like chapter 20 instead of the hopeful 30...hmmm, oh well. Can't mess up the story line now that it's already been embedded in my brain...and so has parts of book 3, lol. No putting things in as fillers...because the more I get written out the more room I have in my head...and its getting quite stuffy in here.

Tomorrow I must get schoolwork reorganized for next semester. Maybe cut out some snowmen designs. Roller derby after dinner. Really need to give Coraline a bath too. Have to do a Glock logo with the embroidery machine and possibly get two other logos prepared as well.
And then just house cleaning if I happen to remember. ;)

I'm outta here. I'll come back to write more when I actually have something useful to share or say, or not...or whatever...it had better be more awesome than this shit. Sorry for the wasted time. :P

Yeah...let's spread some weeds, lol!!! Maybe I should've used a better analogy :)

2011-12-06T16:48:00.000-08:00

Soooo....in a rather serious attempt to waste time...look where I find myself, lol...writing this stupid blog post. Ain't it lovely?
See, here's the thing. I could be in that other room sewing together a dress top with smurfs on it, but if I do that I will do it for too long and by the time 9pm gets here I will not stop to go do what I want to do (which is work on book2). So if I just dilly dally until 9pm, I then can just go write at that time. If I sew, I kinda keep telling myself, that I could do just a little more, just a little more, one more ruffle, one more seam...and well, then it's 11pm and I won;t have time to write...so see... spending time here works although it is very nonproductive.
And doesn't make any money like that smurf dress would, lol.
Yeah, it's kinda like shooting myself in the foot...oh well. If I get to write it makes me more happier and gets me to the next chapter....and eventually to the end of the book. Then I can get started on book3, haha!

I could always go play with moondough with the kiddo too...and I may, or go start writing now, but what fun would that be if I didn't get to write a blog post about my boring existence, lol.

I found something last night. Not that it was lost...just forgotten about...and I technically refound it, or rerealized it. I'm not sure what keeps making me forget or 'lose' it though. Ugh, I need to rework my schedule or something so I won;t keep forgetting....and I'm working on that.
Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE said that routines kill your soul and turn you away from peace and freedom...so I'm taking it that my morning coffee and internet browsing is going to come to a swift end starting tomorrow. That means that schoolwork will get started sooner, and maybe I can get the house cleaned in totality instead of parts of it each day..and by the time the last part gets cleaned the first is dirty again...lol. And as for sewing work....hmmmm... I have fortunately came to the conclusion that I don;t have to work on it until I want to. Luckily sometimes I really want too...especially at 12am when I need to go to bed, but unfortunately I usually choose to go to bed because my sewing machine is loud....and I'd hate to keep hubby up since he gets up at 5:30am...And my orders are finished...and I'm not obligated to make anything...this is nice, I really hope and pray I can keep from burying myself in the grave of obligation...I think I will go draw out a plan for that....because actually putting it on paper at least 10 times seems to work for the most part. Or posting it in large black letters right in front of my face so I can remember, lol. Yes, I have an issue with attention deficits, lol! It's called being an artist of too much...I get scatterbrained sometimes.....deal with it, I do ;)

Anyways...what do you want to learn about today?
That thing I lost.....it's not a thing, but a truth that seems to hide from me...about the fact that God is not up there or out there or that way, or somewhere else...nope....
But, you already know that...and I do too...but I think all these other things get in the way and make me forget that...not really forget, but see it a different way than what it truely is....
I wonder if other people are so distracted by things in life that they lost sight of that too? Maybe they can't remember...maybe they never knew...
You know He isn't anywhere where you are not...He's inside...always..carried along in your being....possibly hidden away under our own ideals, and rules, and regulations, and troubles, and goals, and plans, and gripes, and things that only we have covered Him with...
Then we start to think of Him as being not IN us, but somewhere else...and so people search elsewhere...to the skies...to their teachers...to their churches...to their books....
You can learn about Him out there in the world...but you can never know Him like that. You'll need to dig Him out from underneath your own pile of crap you keep labeling Him with. Rules you keep burying Him with. Issues you keep judging Him with. You'll never find Him looking on the outside, you'll never know Him until you free Him from the prison you built on the inside.

Yeah, lame, sorry...I really should delete it and make it more appealing, haha...but I'm too lazy and only have 30 more minutes to explain....
How do you free Him, you ask? (yeah, you probably didn't ask, but I will tell anyway)
By letting it all go! Easy!
Letting all what you were taught about Him go, poof! Away with the wind, wheeeee! Everything you ever read and believed, Poof! Gone like a leaf in the raging river! All what you felt, thought, spoke about, heard, brought up to believe, or forced to listen to.... PooF Gone, let it float away from your mind like blowing a dandelion puffball in the wind! Gone forever...wheeee! Goodbye. Say goodbye to all your lame, stupid, made up, foolish thoughts, because they are not as good as the ones He will teach you! Goodbye lovely things you thought you knew, goodbye, things I thought I understood....and say goodbye to what you think of Him. What you think of His father. Let go of Him too. All your ideas about Him...poof. (yeah, it is scary, but I promise you it will be okay..better than okay) Let your thoughts of Him go.....do not rely on your own understanding.....let your understanding go....poof, goodbye sweet Jesus.
I am really assuming that was hard for you and you didn't do it, because it takes much faith to attempt really doing that.....
But after you are sitting in the silence....watching all your own burdensome thoughts and ideas, and preformed illusions disappear...and even watching Him fade away into nothing....in that silence
You will find Him there....there where you always were...there where you once were when you were a child. You will remember...and you will know that what you let go of was nothing compared to what you have now.
And He will lift you up...and He will show you who He is truly...not what the world taught you...no...He will teach you....as only He should.

Wheeee!!! That was fun, huh?!
It's kinda like clearing your chakras, but better, lol. But ooohh...that's bad, huh? Nope, just another stupid judgement you just layered on top of your pile of shit ideals.

Well, the kiddo wants to see if Star Wars cd-rom games will work on the computer...so I guess I gotta go.

Tomorrow I'm going to sew up some smurfs, paint some Link, and do a photoshoot for camera club. I think I'm going to choose the color white! (we get to choose a color to accentuate on...and I have 2 yards of white fur, heehee)
Oh, and roller derby..yep, gonna go a skatin'

Yeah, I know you all think I'm crazy...it's okay, I think you're crazy too. :)

stupid...don't bother reading...

2011-12-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

Yikes, yikes yikes!!!!
I kinda want to go be a recluse for at least a whole week. Is that so much to ask?
I have some things to work on-- when I feel like it (and for the fact I hope to get paid afterwards...and we are broke as shit and NEED the money) and that is fine, because they really look fun to make....no problem, except I have a few people asking for other items...and well, I am closed!!! ARGH!!
I hate telling people NO. (especially when we have less than $6 in the bank) but I need time to recuperate....hell, I still have one shirt to make anyway that has already been paid...not that it's hard, but I don't want to add more crap to my list. December supposed to be free from doing other people's stuff and solely for family and home....ugh...
Nothing ever freaking works out. I hate this.

I could like not answer emails or something, but the other special sets I will be posting, so 'they' know I am online...shit.
I NEED an escape plan!!!!

I could just say no too....but...
argh...I guess I have to. It's the only way....and once I get some practice saying it....it'll start coming naturally, right?? Right??!
Or I can keep doing what I've been doing and end up like this and being trapped in an unhappy predicament....like always...

Off the subject...Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE said to ....well, I can repeat what he said, so I'll just say that saying NO is on my priority list now. Sorry people who want to order stuff and give me your money...sorry but NO, go find someone else....I can't get stuck here again. I'm moving on....
...and I'd be moving a whole lot faster if I had a new camera.....that fancy camera that did not go on sale anywhere in the US of A on Black Friday..... and is still too expensive for me to even layaway... ugh.

In my current emotional mood...I'll probably never get it...and I'll just give up and say ....I'll say what Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE said...and just live my life out as no one and nothing..... Nothing besides a mom and wife....which isn't bad at all....but still...
Have you ever thought you were more than what you have become (yeah, like lion king, lol)?

anyway, it doesn't matter. What I make/sell doesn't matter. How many bills we have doesn't matter. This blog doesn't matter either. The dirty dishes...the fancy embroidery machine over there...this computer...none of it has ever mattered.
The only piece of existence that my poor soul has ever affected is in the hearts of the two kids that live with me...and the heart of the one who lives for me....and that's enough....and hubby too.
...and my pretend people too.....
I suck...and am nothing other than them....

Or we can play the ruthless emotion....I can do and become whatever the hell I want....but I have to want to....and well....today I don;t want to. I don;t want to do anything. I don;t want to have that cute shop village when I'm 50. I don;t want to produce humility in the minds of people with theater production when I'm 40. I don't want to put ever photographer out of business within 50 miles when I'm 37. I don't want to pay off all my bills and finish the damn house when I'm 32....(okay yeah, I still kinda want that) but right now I don;t want to be something or do something other than what I want. Screw what I should be doing...just screw it.

We are dying on the inside.....we are all dying on the inside...like a crucifixion. And we are slowly killing ourselves....slowly bleeding away our energy to do things we think we should be doing....when what we really should be doing is what we want to be doing anyway.
make sense?

it doesn't matter.....ugh...I gotta go..I'm rambling about something I can't explain and really don;t care to, lol. God bless chipper-eyed daisies of romance.

laziness is contageous....

2011-11-29T19:32:00.000-08:00

ummm...let me just tell you how awesome it is to just buy a premade embroidery design and have the machine do it for you (yeah, I still have to change thread colors...but still....) it was nice...and Dora and Boots were less than $7...which isn't so bad when I got paid $20 for the shirt...and that was a discount rate considering I usually charge $30.

Anyway...I will say the stupid software that came with it to make custom designs sucks bad. It can't do it very well and is more frustrating than anything else...
I will be buying designs or having someone digitize things for me...so at least it will turn out right.

Why do people get so offended? Really?! Is it necessary to stress yourself so much over something so stupid? No wonder people have health issues...ugh. Get over yourself. Just remember when you judge others, you will judge yourself equally. Remember that when you are crying in bed feeling sorry for yourself and all the things you are not good at, things you were wrong about and things that you destroyed....remember that it's just a reflection of pain you caused to others.
Oh, but for the sake of offending....what's the deal with xmas? Really now, so someone writes it like that because they either don't know how to spell Christmas correctly or they are just too lazy to bother with the whole word....is it really such a bad thing? Ugh...it reminds me of a mutant x-men holiday party...that'd be fun. :) I'll dress up as Rogue or Mystique...yeah, that's be so FUN!! Haha...
What else....hmmm...yes I'm trying to test your foundations again....
I also do not really like when people say to 'keep Christ in Christmas'. Now I know their heart is in the right place, but not their logic or education. Maybe you should google it and find out how christmas began before adding yet another label to something for the sake of whatever...
oh dang it, I spelt it christmas with little letters...it's just a word people...
Christ is every day in my world, even if I hide it or fight it, or try to make you believe something other than that, or mess with you for fun. There's no escape...and it's a beautiful thing.
Back on subject...go get educated first, then forget it all...because it doesn't matter now does it. Not the holiday, not the lights, or presents, or xmas trees, or even love......because if you won't carry it into tomorrow, what's the point.

oh, how I love pep talks with myself

2011-11-29T09:55:00.000-08:00

oh my.....I'm here at the last stand facing the compiled list of orders....oh my....when it seems like its not so bad or too much I realize that many on the list reads 'sets'...in turn that means instead of 1 item, that means 2...oh yay.
Did I mention that I hate sewing and realize that spending the last 2 months doing it non stop (except for 5 days over Thanksgiving) was detrimental. So much neglected, like house cleaning, and time to spend doing more joyful expenditures. The schoolwork managed to stay afloat, although I can attest that it was not nearly as much as it should have been...we will catch up though.

Now, I am thinking that I can just refuse to do it all and refund people's money...but nope, it's already spent...shit.

The question is how on earth to prevent feeling like this ever again.... hmmm....still working on that one. Bad thing is I've been trying to figure it out that last 2 or 3 years and still have gotten nowhere. Okay, maybe a little further, but no, not much by my standards. I always keep going back to the fact that we kinda need the money, which utterly sucks. Poor=SUCKS!

Anyway, I am kinda really looking forward to cleaning house and playing games with my kids, and watching tv and playing video games, and creating things other than what's already been ordered. And messing around with the musical instruments I have just waiting for some time. And writing in my book....which I did work on bit by bit, but everyday would be great to have time to do. After all....it's on my 'top 5 most important things in my life' list. You'd think I wouldn't neglect those top 5 and do something that was on my 'top 5 worst things in my life'...but hell, I did (do) and unfortunately I do not know how to break free.

......you know what, I read something maybe last week about how we don't need to get caught up in the 'shoulds', like not shoulding yourself...for instance. I should be working instead of blogging. I should get more school done, I should do the laundry....when in the end....what I am doing now is the only thing that matters...yeah, living in the now.
Makes me think of ElfQuest (great comic book series btw!) funny how I've read almost every single one starting at like age 8 or so and the idea of living in the now just now only makes real sense. And that's how it needs to be. Not should be....as it is our choice to make it alive in the present and not even giving it our future by saying it should be tomorrow...when now is all we have.
......
I'm going to go change my present....I want to thank myself for giving me that most awesome pep talk just now, and I want to thank Wendy and Richard Pini for the ElfQuest comic books and the fact that Strongbow is the most awesomest elf ever and I totally look up to him and I'm gonna go take his advice.
Oh, and thank my brother for having those books available when I was little, and for letting me keep them. And Jesus too, naturally. ;)

must go...the big man is staring awfully hard my way,...

2011-11-17T10:11:00.000-08:00

Let me just say how much I love our roller derby team and it's bench coach...

My husband is no longer pissed thanks to your impartial ways of explaining things someone else didn't do so well at....whoo..dodged a bullet there. He was gonna make me quit if it wasn't resolved.

Okay...so today, appliques are sent to the lady who puts them together...want to thank my cutter-outer for getting them mostly done ;) and for the sewer-togetherer for going to go do that....because I am freaking busy!!!!!
How busy? you ask..well... as of today I have 11 items that need put together (and that's not so bad, really!) but I'm going to have a super sale tomorrow and well...11 will look like a dream....a faded dream with no chance of return...cause, I'm sure to sell stuff, lol. I hope anyway..
I am broke...and we are leaving for VA Wednesday at o' dark thirty....and won;t be home till Sunday... so whatever orders I get by then will just have to wait and that doesn't even include the celebration sets I still have to put together...ugh.

but enough complaining.... besides it being freakin cold today and the fact that the sunroof on my jeep got clogged and I ended up with 2 puddles of water on my front floorboards...and water everywhere!!! Today is being good to me and to my friends. Keep up the good work.
I want to thank OMG, INCREDIBLE for standing behind me and tapping his foot in an effort to keep me from procrastinating...and he was nice enough to let me write a quick random blog post...along with a quick prayer for my peoples who need it....and yeah, even the ones that don't too.
Anyway, I must go now while I am still in the 'get your ass to work' mode.
Thank you all and I love you, much hugs and bubbly rambling of yesterday's tomorrows.

just call my name....and I'll be there

2011-11-16T11:07:00.001-08:00

Today, despite the fact that I have itunes playing and I got my 'better do this today' list finished minus the sewing orders...I am hating my job again.

See, I went in there to straighten up so I can focus better....and took pics of fabrics to post for the sale Friday...and I just thought to myself...I hate fabric. I hate sewing, and I hate having to sew especially after I already spent the money, lol.
Not to mention I really need to get an order shipped out tomorrow that I haven't even started on besides laying out the top and jeans for it. The fact I need to finish up some items for the sale on Friday. The fact I need to print out applique designs.
and roller derby...ugh...I love roller derby of course, but this drama shit has got to stop. I'm still upset, and I'm not sure how hubby feels today. Grrr....things are just so stupid. Reminds me of that time once when I got kicked out of a school group because I wrote some bad words...dumb, just dumb. One school group was supposed to be about the kids...roller derby is supposed to be about roller derby...but what do I know, evidently it's about being insecure while stretching or uncomfortable if someone talks to you...fuck if I know...
I hate things when they brood.
Anyway, OMG, INCREDIBLE got on my ass this morning about getting the necessities done, so I did. Too bad sewing orders wasn't on the necessity list..ugh.

I have so much to do and no incentive to even look at them right now...damn...you know what that means...that means my weekend will be filled with a rampant attack of the sewing machines and another weekend will be lost...
I hate that I do not want to sew at all and the fact I really need the money...it's all a trap...and I do not know how to get out...and no one to tell me how to get out either...

I was feeling all nice and loveable earlier too...but now that I think about it....no, not anymore. I think OMG, INCREDIBLE really needs to give me some advice instead of letting me handle it....I suck. and I am so frustrated...

I still need to do those celebration sets too...shit....and Tuesday thru Sunday I will not be home at all to work on them... I think they are supposed to be done by the 1st...hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! yeah..right.

though at least I can sell them and make money after they have been made...so that is kinda a very nice thought. and hopefully will keep us out of the hole for December...Where o' where art thou income tax?! You are a blessing, too bad you don't ever get here till late March.

I wonder if hubby will let me sell everything and move us far far away?? I'll ask. lol

not that right here is bad...except for having neighbors..and having to keep a job, and me being upset at roller derby..and the fact that there is neither a hobby lobby or five guys in Dunlap....or a papa john's....or target...I love target.
Anyway...things I'm thankful for just for today....that hubby still has a job, that everyone is not sick...well, except me...sick in the head...that so far the bills are paid, that the truck runs just fine, that the kids do their chores without complaint...even the yucky chores...I love those kids...that even though we have been sparsely doing schoolwork lately, they are still smart and creative.
I'm thankful for all the people i do not have to deal with. and the ones I do that they are mostly pretty awesome.

Please God, oh please, please please....fix those things that need an ass whoopin'...I can't....and you can do it better anyway...fix them for me, for my friends..and for those who need to know you can fix it....

Want a story?

Once upon a time there was a rather upset girl. She was furious and frustrated and sad. She asked and asked for a way to fix the things in her life that were disturbing her calm. A way to make the wrongs a right and way to create a new beginning....but Jesus only sat and watched, he didn't speak, but watched as she let out her frustrations and dumped the full bucket at His feet. All her failed attempts, all her lost endeavors, all her forgotten dreams.... she kicked them away and towards Him. He watched her as she cried and yelled and writhed in sorrow.
She quieted after a few minutes and looked up at Him. His eyes still as beautiful as before, His quiet calm composure filled with peace. He moved toward her and asked for her hands. She placed them in His.
"What can you make?" He asked her.

"Nothing." She said sadly with tears in her eyes.
"Then what you cannot make in your life, I will make it for you." He stated.
A sudden jolt went through her. A tingling of energy...something... and it was over. She was back home....and what she had poured out before Him was not...it was gone...and it was a new day.

Like that one?? I kinda do...but I would give anything to take you there to see yourself....because in those times...everything here is nothing...only the spirit within others is all that can ever be brought there...give them the light....so they may see Him.....

love and tears....they are good things...but they both hurt when you keep them to yourself.

I tried really hard to be nice...

2011-11-15T09:05:00.000-08:00

So this week can just go to hell with the dumbasses who make it seem that way.
yes, I'm still pissed. and yes, it will show in this stupid blog post. yes, I probably will use 'bad' words...but so far I didn't start it like I would have if I had wrote it last night instead of this morning....so count your blessings...if that's even possible.
I frankly could not count mine...too many, like the stars...and only numbered when you try to put a definite barrier around them...mine are everlasting and continuous...I'm sorry if you can count yours...but don;t forget to include those hot showers and oh yeah, the breaths you can take without struggling...and coffee..yeah coffee is good, it makes me nicer, lol. So yes, you are blessed that I haven't written any bad words thus far.....unless you count dumbasses as a bad word? I really don;t give a ...crap.

So....I am so close to just dropping every damn thing in my life except my family and moving far far away and away from every known person that exists. Even the ones I love, or like, or find entertaining.
I have this built in mind set that if you don't accept all of us, then you shall have none of us...kinda thing going on...and it makes me utterly distraught to deny any of us....because of what I suppose is old-fashioned stuff that no one understands. I don't know....
See I myself am used to being thrust out and denied (like the cornerstone, yay for education!) and I think it's fascinating to see the downfall of humanity from a different perspective. I find it a beautiful thing to watch mankind lose itself......and then one day it will comeback and repent and that will be even greater...but beside the point...when you oust one of my own...I kinda get in that mindset again...that you don't deserve me then...and you don't deserve my family either....and you don't deserve my time, attention, love, understanding, or forgiveness either. You don't deserve any of what we have....
so perhaps I'll just leave.

I wonder if God thinks of us that way too...that you denied His son and he hates you....
You know, I have experienced the feeling of someone unaccepting of my son...and it is a hard thing to get over...and I'm still working on it. But believe me....God has every right to wipe out your life and throw you in the pit...and you damn well deserve it.

Anyway....I'm too forgiving today because I am blessed that I don;t have to deal with everyday people on a regular basis....so right now I am just watching and waiting it out....if it passes great...if it doesn't great....I will leave...you never wanted me anyway. Like I said...it's all or none..

I'm glad God is watching and waiting too.....because otherwise we'd all be screwed.

just my two cents...or 12 cents...I'm still pissed....so disregard any bad words ( I actually went and erased some like a wuss)...because you can't handle them....what do you want me to say? I am so upset I could cry...whaa, people are so unfair and rude...boo hoo....I want my momma and a bottle of milk.....
shit...not gonna happen here...I eat meat...with A1 sauce...and unfortunately for you I eat with my fingers.....sorry, I'm not civilized yet to use forks and knives....I might stab you or myself. (and that means..that I'm not civilized enough to care about what I say to the point I don't say bad words or make you form the wrong impressions.)

So...anyway....that was my rant for this morning...even though I left out that I accidentally woke hubby up late this morning for work...perfect effing week so far, yes?
You know, we could sell the house and move far far away to somewhere warm... sell all this crap and just leave... no one wants us here anyway.

sorry..depressed me talking there...I'll try to behave...
you know...sometimes I just want a hug. Sometimes I just want...*sigh...look see, I can't share everything....be He knows and that's all that matters.

I'm going to go sew and get some of these orders finished...then maybe I will have time to reorganize schoolwork for the kids. Last custom orders will be this weekend...I can make it...I can make it...ugh. I just want to paint something and play with my keyboard... and clean house...lol....yes really. But work takes up so much time during holiday orders....and sadly I have no money to show for it, as what I make we use for gas and groceries...I hate being poor...though it wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have bills to go along with that.

and I hate Christmas too. I hate the tacky decorations, I hate buying stuff we don't need, I hate the bell ringers in front of the stores, I hate the mindless consumerism, I hate that on the angel trees there are kids asking for ps3 games...wtf, I don't even have a ps3! or they want an ipad or something I can't afford for myself...ugh, really?! So much for Christmas....and I hate that people say to keep Christ in Christmas too...because for one, Christmas was originally a pagan holiday (which is just fine, btw) but they changed it to a christian holiday so they could keep their party..and by the way trees are pagan too...but I like pagans and christians so I really don;t care. But Jesus wasn't born in December either, so go have your fakey consumerism holiday and stop ringing those annoying bells...
and tell me why on earth people all of a sudden care about others during this season than any other day of the year? what, do they not notice people go without things until december...bullshit...where were you in January or April, or October? c'mon...stop being stupid. Helping people who really need help is great and all, but you still denied them up until now....ugh.

and people asking for ps3 games and ipads are not needing help evidently.
sorry I just hate fake people...and even if I was beyond rich I wouldn't buy them ps3 games...I would teach them to make things to earn their own money...or start a new business to provide for the community...something other than just providing for them...cause next year they are going to want a ps4 or a droid x with service...because people buy them a bunch of useless shit and teach them that living off the government and people's good will will get you free shit and make people feel sorry for you....boohoo. and so now the people will have to provide for them all the days of their lives because you taught them how to do it....grrr

Once when I was a kid, we were poor...and the school dropped off a box of toys for our family...but even though they left it on our porch, the neighbors stole it and they got all the stuff... so the school brought in some food and some leftover stuff to give us instead....it was kinda weird. Anyway....I could've really used some books and some gloves back then, maybe a pack of markers or something...not toys. just saying...of course if you asked me then I would've wanted cool toys, but you know what I mean...lol

So...what else, considering I wrote too much already?
I hope my yudu stuff comes in the mail today. Though I really don;t need something else to help me procrastinate doing sewing work.

look at that....I get distracted and come back about 45 minutes later to this stupid blog post I haven't finished...lol
see how nothing gets done around here...sigh.

Water the soil.....choke on the meat...swallow it..c'mon, you can do it.

2011-11-13T18:03:00.000-08:00

So, Hobby Lobby is slowly turning into a 'cheapy, "this store is for untalented people and we no longer carry the REAL supplies, only prepackaged crap for lazy stupid people who lack talent or intelligence"' as I went Saturady to find they no longer carry real screen printing supplies that they used to (I know because I considered buying them before!) but now it's only in these cheap walmart art packages for dummies... ugh.
So that means I had to order the stuff for my yudu...damn it, shipping better hurry the heck up!
Anyway, I also want to point out that besides their assortment of solid colored fabrics, I do not think they know what real fabric is...they should really carry Michael Miller ta dot prints, so I's can be happy...
That or someone can give me $1000 so I can put in my first order with the supplier myself, yeah, that'd be great. As we are broke and I have no money :( shit is expensive.
Things need fixed. Food needs bought. And well....we have enough to pay bills and eat, and just barely enough for gas.... so $100 for polka dot fabric (no matter how awesome) just ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Maybe next year...as that's probably gonna be when I get my camera too...cause my paypal account is sad lookin' and black Friday is less than 2 weeks away. yikes... let's see...roller derby stuff or camera.... hard decisions...lol

So. What else is new beside Hobby Lobby's betrayal.......
I'm almost done with chapter 13 in Book 2!!! sweet! I love my people.
The wind was a killer today! Awesome and nothing fell on the house.
I got to take a nap on hubby, awwww...
I got a huge package of heirloom seeds in the mail....yum...but they will have to wait to be planted when I have somewhere to plant them...even though I don;t eat half of what they are....ya know what, I don;t even think I know what some of them are, lol.
My order list is half of what it was 2 days ago. (but I will not be deceived into thinking there is a light at the end of the tunnel...we all know it is the train coming the other way!) I seriously never get a damn break. (and writing lame blog posts and browsing youtube does not freakin' count!)..neither does roller derby.
I'm sad that some of my friends (look at that <---- I said 'friends') are having difficulties with family health and just neverending issues and I pray they all get a break from it soon. I hate seeing people be sad...that's my job. :(
Anyway, besides knowing there's still people out there that think I am the devil and going to hell, I want to say that yes....I would go to hell to save those dumbasses down there and prove to them that God is forgiving...even to them...and I'll be sure to get Satan to repent as well. Because God's love stretches beyond any boundary you place upon the hearts of others and certainly Jesus wouldn't be contained in the boundaries you have set upon your own hearts. And yeah, I do know Jesus.....and He says He loves you, even if you have failed to know Him the way He has revealed Himself, even if you fail to see Him within others, or within yourself. Even if you have denied Him....He loves you still. There's still time....to see, to hear...to be....but it's your choice how you want to spend it.

Wah wah wah...boring, let's get into something funner than lame-o preaching about Jesus, when I can sit hear and scare the begeesus out of you! Haha! Want to know what that means....I bet you do...
Once upon a time, I went to a church...yes I did.
But this church was weird....in bible school class (it was lame!) they talked about the football score and read from those stupid ass little booklets that are as lame as those Awake booklets (if you ever read them anyway). Anyway so they would read from the books and talk about football or the party they were planning for their congregation and blah blah blah me, us we, my, mine, us, we, ours, blah blah blah...it was all about them.... anyway, one Sunday (day of the SUN! whoo hoo education!) we were listening to the preacher guy talking about the regular same 'ol baby milk from the bottle scripture stuff...and I just wanted to leave....so me and my awesome self looked over to my left and there was Jesus sitting a few spaces next to me. And I asked Him, what I was doing here? He said..."To see how they are.". And I asked why? This is boring and stupid...(yes, I do not fear talking to Him using modern english, He laughs at me sometimes..)anyway, He says "To teach those that they cannot."...
So I noticed how they were feeding these grown adults all this milk in o'bottle shit about how great Jesus is and how great it will be when you get to heaven and how great it will be when you step into your father's kingdom...and I kinda got dismayed....like really really dismayed to the point someone would burn me at the stake had I not bit my tongue...(yes, I do kinda worry about that still sometimes) anyway...the point being that you adults who find yourselves lingering this far down on my lame blog post about imperfection are going to get a wake the fuck up call tomorrow. or today, idk.
Get off the milk you sappy ass babies who think heaven is so far away and your papa left you here to struggle and cry and whine like little pansy ass toddlers who can't hold there effing spoons.....or who shoove moosh in their fat faces all day that they can't even see that your Father is not in some distant land of happiness and joy and that Home is somewhere in the damn sky and your daddy is gonna wipe your ass for you all the days of your life! UGH... why do you think you were ever apart from Him??!!! WHY!!!? Maybe it's just some of you, I don't know.
WHY do you keep stuffing your faces full of baby milk (lame bible stuff) when you should be standing on your feet and praising His name by doing the work that He has set before you. That doesn't mean to open your mouth and shout it...it means to open your hearts and show it (obviously!!) WHY aren't you eating MEAT? (not real meat, but fearlessness) MEAT that says you are His Temple...YOU are HIS Glory, YOU are HIS light....YOU are HIS LIFE....and HE is YOURS....
but no...go to church and play games with your buddies who want to make more money for your church and your churches pot luck and your churches family's but do not consider the family that lives next door...
Go drink your milk and pray your father comes for you oneday...because my Father is already here...and He is crying because of YOU. >:(
Pray your heaven calls you home and doesn't forget you....because I live at home...and it is Heaven...and Jesus lives here. You are just too blind to see anything other than the barriers you have placed upon your own hearts. and I am so so so so dismayed at your peril...
Drop everything you know...every damn thing you've read or heard or thought about God...everything!!! Drop every thought of God, every thought of Jesus and let it go like the wind takes away the ashes...let it all go....and when you are done, find what is left in your heart and you will see the Lord...and you will know His name, and you will see His face and everything you ever knew and ever will know will be nothing compared to what you will behold....and every breath, every heartbeat, every thought....it will make you see that letting go of yourself, and your ideas, and your bricks....was covering that which you always had...Him.

Like that?...I did...:)
Did it taste bitter? I hope so...
Is it hard to chew? Indeed...but meat is always that way...and it's only the fear that keeps you from growing. Fear of letting your ideals go, fear of losing what you think you know... Fear of thinking that He will leave you if you let Him go...let me tell you something...Letting Him go, doesn't make Him leave, it brings Him in closer to your heart until He consumes it...and when He consumes it, everything you see will be in love....
oh...but then you will be persecuted and people will crucify you (or threaten to burn you at the stake for proclaiming the Jesus is Lord on your stupid blog!!!)be warned. They will throw their stones. They will set forth giants after you. They will set traps and deny you their hearts. They will twist your words and make them turn against you. They will demand that you explain your actions...but they can only hear what you say if you feed them milk...as they are just children....who can't and won't even taste the meat...their hearts are hard and their souls are locked away under the wall of bricks that they have built to protect their ideals and their thoughts....they rely on their own thinking...they rely on the thinking of their church and their colleges...they cannot hear their father's words....for he speaks with meat....but they choke on it and spit it out as if they are turning their backs on Him....stop feeding them milk...and eventually they will swallow the meat and realize they have grown stronger nd it is satisfying and they will know the Father, the Son, and the Sprirt will move in them ...awaken from it's long slumber, now nourished with power and strength...and God's Kingdom will be known.....

Ah...screw it...I talk too much and no one freakin gets it....sorry for wasting your time.

Much love, my everlasting bobble heads of hydration gel and fertilizer. Much love, friends.

...procrastinating

2011-11-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

feeling poor and broke, and achy...
no money, no energy or will to get up and get things done....however I started piddling with my new yudu screen printing machine this morning only to stop when I realized I can't get the emulsion film off without emulsion remover....I tried everything we have except gas (cause I can't find the gas can) but paint remover, lighter fliud, and vinegar, and goo off does not work....so I have to wait till I get some real stuff...boo/hiss, I was all prepared to waste my day playing with it too.

I need to get sewing work done too, like seriously, but I found myself watching youtube videos and seeing how much money we do not have in my bank account, so I haven't made it in there yet....I totally suck! UGH! Nothing will get done if I can't get my head on straight....something is definitely in the air or it's the moon or something.....cause I could care less what gets done that past few days...
derby practice is tonight, guess I should go, only to fight the resistance, even though if something just so happens to go wrong, i could be persuaded to just stay home and be less proactive...idk. I'm in one of those 'I don;t give a shit' moods.... I hate this.

Anyway, I think the world is about to go straight to hell...something is seriously up, really, can't you feel it? Things are going whacked and there's a heavy pressure lingering..idk, something just feels weird.
I haven't had any bad dreams thankfully, but it's not Friday yet...and we all know Friday is 11-11-11...and all that stupid stuff they freak out about on youtube is supposed to happen that day or something...yeah, whatever, i doubt it. Because I just know I will have to finish my orders and still end up having to deal with that one certain annoying customer who just won't go away...ugh...I am trying to be polite...I really am...but I just can't keep dealing with them...
But on the bright side, thanksgiving week is coming up and I am freaking leaving! Unless that all hell stuff breaks loose. and when I get back I will just finish up what I need and freakin disappear.... I will never sew up a custom again or so help me.... ugh!!!! I hate my job.

But on a brighter note, i have seriously realized that what I do for my job/hobby is something that is earned and learned over trial and error and not ever doing it the old people way...and by george I do it highly well....and even though I still haven't figured out my new machine and I still don;t know how to pronounce many terms or even read a stupid sewing pattern....I do it well...... and I think my prices should reflect that.....
because I have hired help....and some do a great job, and some do not, and for doing a certain technique....it seems only I can do it well......that or they are rushing and do not care if it turns out looking like crap....
and then I have to go 'fix' their shit...which in turn pisses me off and I no longer give them work to do...oh well.....I tried, but I can't sell things with my name on it if it looks like crap. ugh...
yes, i'm complaining....when I should be complaining about how much food costs...or the fact that our water jugs we order won;t be in till Friday...and well, i kinda would like them in now before the shit hits the fan in the case it actually does.....although we all know it won;t, because the world wants to stick it to me and wants me to finish paying our bills and still manage to buy food to feed ourselves too....
but then again....we have an almost paid off house and a running vehicle, and hot water, and coffee...oh coffee...I'll be back in a sec...

as I was saying....I kinda like having that stability and technology stuff...it's nice and I don't take it for granted...except maybe ink pens...I just always expect them to work and I get mad if they don't, lol. and my mini laptop...because I would die if it was messed up since book 2 is on it and I have 13 chapters already written on there!!!
My kids and the pets, and that laptop is all what I would have to grab if the house was on fire, lol. I'll take the phone too so I can call the fd!

anyway boring rambling, sorry...want something pleasant and memorable?.....let me think....
did you know....that Saturn will be exiting the sign of Virgo on the 11th...did you know Saturn holds a sickle? hmmm...interesting...Do you think you will be considered the wheat or the weed? or a hybrid?...hmmm....I'm a tree, so have fun with that ;)

giants like to stomp on you soul.....

2011-11-08T06:56:00.000-08:00

*sigh...

somehow, I've landed myself in the valley...not literately, and I am not explaining...I hate this place, but I know it must be...
I feel all alone again. Wondering around in the dark with giants lurching around. Even if I feel a part of something for a time, it quickly gets pulled apart by something or another and I always assume I had something to do with it. Not that that is true, but I carry the burden....as always.
It's one of those built in things I came with to just not fit in... I guess it'll never go away, I'll never belong, and I'll never have a home, never have a family.
Yeah, just hubby and the kids, and Him...but everyone else is so far away... and those I claim as family don;t even know it, or they don't care.
and I'm not talking about blood family, I'm talking about life family....but what does anyone know of such things...they are all blind...and I am still hoping they will waken....still.

Nothing is bad, nothing is wrong....just me, and my warped thoughts about how we should all belong to each other...and knowing it will never happen...and we will all be lost in the shadows forever.

I went to heaven before...and there were people there whom I knew were my family, but I couldn't recognize them while I was there. Jesus was there, wearing a blue robe, it had gold designs on the sleeve cuffs....but all I could really see was His smile, His hazel eyes. I ran to Him, like a child does when their father has been gone for a long time and jumped into His arms. He lifted me up and carried me across the garden, no one disturbed us, and all attention was on each other. I can't remember what I asked Him at first, but my second question was if I was doing okay. He said "What makes you think you are further behind than when you began?"...and while I was trying my darndest to understand what that meant, I woke up.
Of course I know what it means now...the point is, I know there's a better place for us. There's a better place...and everything here in this world is nothing....absolutely nothing. And there in that place...is more real than every heartbeat, every breath we can ever take here. And we are all family, all of us....and I would give everything I have for you to know it too...everything, although I am nothing and have nothing left to give.

You'll never know where I am...as I am not afraid to go where He leads...but sometimes I cry out in silence...and no one hears, only Him....and you'll never know where we are. and you'll never see us, but we will always see you, and I'll cry for you too.

anyway...I have nothing else to say. I'm not sorry for anything I do....I am not perfect, but I try to do good....you are not perfect either, but I try to see the good in you.
goodbye

Thankful for the rises and the falls

2011-11-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you something....it's a secret, but it's all I can think up to write about :)
I am thankful. Not only for God and all His wonderful unique abilities to reveal weirded out things to me and leave me smiling, or the fact that I feel indestructible...but I am thankful for a wonderful family. My hubby whom was an answered prayer and he's awesome in his ability to provide for our family and for other stupid things I may want..and his unending patience with dealing with a happy crazy person like me for the last 12 or so years...but because he is still handsome too.
My kids who I am very thankful that they are moral and are able to clean up after themselves most of the time. That they are respectful most of the time, and that they don't complain when we skip schoolwork...or that sometimes I have to work more often during this season than the summer.
I am thankful for our heater in our house, because my body simply does not function correctly when I get cold. I am thankful for hot running water (yes, I know it's laced with chlorine and contaminates and not fit to drink) but it's hot and you can stand under the shower for over 20 minutes without doing anything but enjoying that hot water....and yes, I am thankful for our hot water heater as well....and hubby for not complaining that I waste water too much.
I am thankful that even though I have $32 in our bank account and -$500 in my paypal account, that I still manage to find myself with internet access and hot coffee every morning and evening....and a pack of Twizzlers on top of the microwave.
I am thankful that I am part of a most excellent roller derby team full of unique outstanding people, each with talents and challenges that make mine seem like nothing. I can't wait to start hitting them, lol.... yes really, but only in fun :) I love them all.
I am thankful for my pets too, because they really need me. My cats cause disasters and little inconveniences that make my own 'real' problems disappear for the time when I am having to clean up their messes, and I can spoil them without much cost other than my back when I am having to hold Prince Vaughn for extended amounts of time, because he's a momma's boy, and likes to be held while he's napping...and I let him get away with it most of the time, lol. Bubbles likes to sleep on our pillow at night and be petted constantly, and Foxy, well, she meows alot, but doesn't seem to know how to 'send' messages about what she wants very well....it's hard to figure her out. Snips the gerbil is just plain awesome. Isaac is obedient and sweet, and our new pup Coraline is full of potential! Once her housebreaking is complete that is....
There is much much more to add to this list, but I could go on all day and still wouldn't be done, so in an effort not to bore you with my happy happy lala land of joyfulness, I will spare you the rest.

What else.....oh!! I just got a new toy in the mail that makes stuff (embroidery machine) and I'm still trying to figure it out...but am seriously considering turning the now storage room (future bathroom) into my sewing room and my present sewing room into the future bathroom instead.... mainly since the machine needs to hook up to my computer and the usb cord is only 4 ft long...my computer is 30ft away from my sewing room, but if I moved it to the storage room (future bathroom), I could run a hold through the wall and the machine will only be like 3 ft away.....but I would need a floor in there first (after it is cleaned out)..but the bathroom if I moved it would be more finished than it is now, lol. Decisions decisions....oh, and I would have to take out the small bathroom window and put 2 larger windows...which really isn't so bad, but I have to have my sunlight. I can't function without it.
Anyway. let's not talk about work, because I have to go do that here in a little bit....and I want to procrastinate a bit longer without thinking about how much I have to do on my list today...spare me.

Whoops, found myself on youtube, again....guess I'm done here...see what multi-tasking does to you, haha! See you mighty fighting parasailors later, fly in the wind and hope for a better day, because the fall is coming....

boring, don't bother.

2011-10-28T19:01:00.000-07:00

Well, what's up my lovelies?
Let's tell you what's up here in my little world....
I got a brand new pair of roller skates!!! And they fit this time, lol. And have cool blue wheels, and today hubby made little leather thingies on them to try and keep from scuffing them up while playing roller derby. SoI can't wait till I get to go skating again....which unfortunately next Thursday instead of Monday, but that's okay, because Monday night I am going trick or treating....ahem...I mean I am taking the kids trick or treating....yeah...taking them, lol.
Not like I can eat half that candy anyway. And truthfully neither will they, because we have the nice Halloween Fairy that comes and takes all the candy away except for the 20 pieces they get to keep...and of course she leaves a non edible item for trade.....in other words, hubby's work buddies get to have treats because he brings the bag full there, where it gets empties in less than a day. We really trick or treat for the simple point of dressing up and seeing all the fancy houses and yards in that nice richy neighborhood where we go every year, lol. But I consider it safe since there's oh about 300 other kids that will be roaming the streets along with us, so I deem it non threatening.... sorta like those church trunk or treat thingies they swiftly call something non spooky like fall festivals and such...but occasinally there is one maybe two that actually are cool, but the other ten or so just have that spooky weird feeling like it's all a cult thing...and really odd...but once at one of those odd feeling 'trunk or treat' church things...I did get a laugh when someone was dressed up as a nun (mind you this was a baptist church, lol) I thought the costume was cool. But after trying to figure out why everyone was dressed up as people from biblical times and why they had a snake wrapped around a faky tree with apples on it.... I saw a group of women (they gave me a bad felling, not sure why) but they all walked through the crowd and were heading inside where they were going to do a play or something. Something about their demeanor or body language, idk, but it was weird... we left after that because it sucked (we were only there to bide time until hitting up the nice neighborhood)
Anyway, my new thing is that churches are cults. Yep, all of them, (and yes, I know not all of them are, but I am going to say they are...because you all need to be aware that sin has manifested itself in all the places you think are safe and happy...) You won;t find God there among those who hide themselves in sheep's clothing...nope...you'll only find Him out and about doing His work....
And where is that, you ask? Inside you....inside me, inside us all who are His.
Not in a building trying to figure out how to make it's congrgation richer, or how to make money to fix the plumbing, or how to bring more people to church to get more tithes to pay the electric bill...no...He is out there helping His neighbor fix their truck...He is out there lending an ear to someone who feels alone...He is out there cooking dinner for a family of seven. He is out there...and among His people....and if you can't find Him, you are not where you should be.....
He put you in the place you need to be, why do you continue to go out and search for Him, when He is in you and where you are He is also....and what you do, He does too....and when you see a need, fill that need....because even if you think you can't....He will give you the means to fill it in some way. He will place it under you, but only after you thank Him for giving you the honor of such an easy task. because it has always been under you....you just keep looking down, instead of up.

Ooh boy, let's get off that subject....
So anyway....I bought a nice fancy embroidery machine...and I can't freaking wait to get it in!!! So excited!!
And we found Toothless a home, which is great, because we can still see him grow up :) like his sister, and I know he'll have bunches of fun terrorizing his new family! :)
And if I happen across another 'something' that needs help, I can take that responsibility someone else decided they didn't want...and hubby won't freak out. :) It's all good.

Do you know what else is good?
haha...lots of things, but I just remembered something...you know that dream I told you about with the red in the sky and then it turned into a storm?....well, do you realize that the freaking Northern Lights just appeared in the south a few days ago! Yes, I missed them, but they were all the way down to AK, and TN, and KY and I think TX too!! But they were also RED!!! wow, now that's cool....too bad I didn't get to see them, but still...awesome... (lol, which in my dream I thought it was awesome at first too....until the huge storm started forming...that wasn't cool after that...) anyway...just keep your eyes and ears open...cause things are going down....and that second full moon in my other dream will be on Nov. 10th...and they are doing that stupid Crystal skull thingy on the 11th...which may also be the same day the NWO blows up the Hoover dam...and crap (yes, I do watch too much youtube, lol...and no, I don;t really believe it, but it's fun to mess around with) anyway...just letting you know, cause it's interesting....I would say cool...but in my dreams I thought things were cool until bad things came...not cool.
So anyway....I heard, that the elite military is on high alert for the week of the 11th as well? and why though? and why is the gov. shutting down all the radio and tv to do a 'test'??
Whatever, fun to mess with, but don;t expect anything 'cool' to happen...
it never does...

Though I did see a ufo before...and it was 'cool' AFTER I high tailed my ass out of there, lol.

So....what else...hmmm....ummm...nothing I guess...that sucks. Off to go do something funner. bye my lovely wondrous super cats with capes of flames and whiskers or bright sunshine fairy dust!!whoo!

Sorry, I said a bad word.....but you made me mad

2011-10-23T16:03:00.000-07:00

So.... I'd like to think that I can tell you what you want to hear, but what fun would that be...you getting all you want, lol....
This weekend was great, but didn't get all what I wanted to get done done...and therefore have to make up for it tomorrow....
But we had a nice visit with family.
I now also have 3 orders on my board to complete....instead of 12.
hahah.....but we all know it will not stay like this...
I wanted to list holiday stuff for work, but alas...I did not have the time, not to mention one of my potential helpers has some of the stuff that goes with them...so I have to wait till tomorrow evening....ugh.
And I have 1 costume I HAVE to make tomorrow evening as well if I intend for my customer to get it in time for Halloween. And roller derby is tomorrow too....yay. Let's pray that all will go somewhat smoothly and at least the important things are taken care of for once.

And for a rant.....I'm disappointed that some things I do must be a talent and only I can do it evidently, and the fact that one that has much potential is not willing to try the hard ones because they take too long....but for me they take like 2 minutes or less (literately) so I'm back to square one with the applique help....or shall I say the lack of it. Embroidery machine...you are in my future if I even remotely decide to continue in this hellhole of a business. I hate my job.

Another lame-o rant = food is expensive....healthy food is really expensive...and I no longer care.... I just buy the good healthy stuff.... screw it. If I'm going to spend any money on it at all...it will be for the good stuff.
Prince Vaughn doesn't like when we have company so he got mad and hasn't been back yet.....I hate when cats do that...he's making me worry...ugh...
Rant #2 or 3 if it matters.... since I mentioned hating my biz.... I go back and forth on the mindset of wanting a grant or something so I can hire more help and make more stuff and get that new machine and then sell more and so on....but then I realize...I just don;t care. I like designing, but I have found that fabric is way too expensive for me....so is that fancy machine....so is paying others....especially when you haven't even sold anything yet. Then I start thinking that what others make isn't the most awesomest (like the stuff I can make when I am not having to fill orders) and then my biz name becomes sub par and therefore I offer mainly $30 sets instead of mainly $100 sets...so the people who buy $100 sets will pass me by even though I can make $100 sets.... but on the other hand, those who cannot afford $100 sets are only there for the $30 sets and are appalled at the $100 price tag...especially since they want it but can't afford it....and I end up not selling it at all....grrrr.
I would like to offer both, but I can't keep both groups of people happy at the same time. kwim? oh yeah...and I will not do customs after November. EVER AGAIN!
So even if I sell a $100 set.... it'll be only once. then I will get stuck in another rut of having to make a few more so I can assure myself of a paycheck. then I will rush....then I will stop caring because I feel rushed....I am sure it will be a never-ending cycle and I will be ranting about it next year.....
Or I can just quit... the only problem with that is the money issue. I kinda need it. Did I mention how much groceries cost? And gas? and other bills?
I need to go have a long chat with OMG, INCREDIBLE.... (who has been very quiet lately) He just stands around and watches what I'm doing even though I keep waiting for him to help...ugh.... Him or my other friend....who I didn't really thing about asking till just now......so I will get on that and tell you what these guys helped me decide...

Anyway.....besides the flip-flopping on my business.....I just shared a few of my secrets yesterday....to real people... (lol, in other words, not writing it down) so I feel weird....because it is personal...and it's mine... but other than finding it difficult to remain present while describing certain things I now have those memories newly lodged in the forefront of my mind...nice.
No, they are not bad...far from it...but while they are there, it's kinda like reality is the dream....and those moments are true life....
But I am also glad that I am not the only one who heard those trumpets....

So enough about me, let's talk about you....what would you like to know today? - Would you like to know how to get the help you need? I will tell you..... - Ask for it....oh, but the secret is to ask loud enough....literately. Try it out, let me know how long it took.

By the way....I read a good post on a website that was so true. It related to why some who are religious claim that their way is the only right way... but I had to share this quote :)
“If God is One, Truth is One.” Only a fool would dip a bucket into the sea, then claim to possess the ocean.

I know you may think that Jesus is the way...the only way...and I think he is the way, I agree...but I have found His truth in all things...and I knew who He was before I ever knew His name....why must we all have to label the same One, with the same tags....
1: What if I learned a different name...would that keep me from knowing Him and more or less than another?
2:Do you think people are just born blind and deaf to spirit?
3:Do you think they need a miraculous feeling to be 'saved' (ugh, I hate that word!!!-'saved' - what makes anyone think they were lost?? yes, maybe at times when you suck, but really lost?)
4:Do you think He would just choose to leave someone out and decide later if He wants them?
.whatever....forget those stupid questions...don;t waste your time. It is hopeless to try and get people out of their damn little glass boxes....

Now I'm a tad bit angry....because I sometimes need to explain shit to the people who will twist and defile those questions....who make it go against them....you just wait...because He's going to burn your asses up.... and I'll be the only sappy fool standing next to Him trying to plea for your fucking salvation...and not know why. shit. I hate my job.

the rainbows have turned very dark...and the storm is close at hand....

2011-10-18T17:26:00.001-07:00

Oh God....let me tell you something...not God...but you blessed readers who have made it thus far and still manage to read this craptastic blog of mine...
Today, unfortunatly....I watched a video on youtube...the one about the little toddler that got ran over by a van and 18 passersby just simply did that...passed her by while she was bleeding on the street... let me tell you how sick that is, and please don;t watch it, but if you must, search under 'hit and run toddler china' it's there....sick.
Anyway, that wasn't even as horrible as some other video which I accidentally clicked on about a little boy getting beaten because he was different....bad bad bad......and if I was there and had a weapon I would kill every last sick human who just stood there and watched...please do not watch it.
It was in another country..and thankfully I do not live there or will go there, but we all know things like that could happen here, really haven't you seen the 'What would you do' shows on 20/20 I think....it does happen here...whether it be neglect or abuse or just plain out sick stuff.

I don;t know how in heaven God puts up with people like that....or if you must lump us together, any of us. Even one sick thing like those videos would be enough for me to just burn the world up and wipe my hands of it...all of it.
Thankfully I do not have that job...because we all would have died today...or at least the really bad people....and the neglectful people..and the hateful people...and the sick people...and the people who just did nothing.....sick sick sick.

Our world is sick....and we can't do anything about it.....please get us out of here. Amen.

Oh, on another note...since we can only hope and make up random things to keep our mind off the fact that sin is alive....let's elaborate...
so the sign in Virgo that happened on the 30th of Oct...if you go 40 days after, it would be the 9th and 10th of Nov.....on the 9th Saturn leaves Virgo (and who is Saturn) oh just the guy with a sickle ;) and the Sun in in Libra (the scales/judgement thingies) Mercury/Venus/Mars are aligned just like the 3 pyramids in Egypt as well (and forms a cross within the planet alignments!)....And asteroid YU55 crosses between earth and the moon at midnight! (actually makes a cross in the alignment too) And it's a full moon! And if you know anything about the Illuminati 11-11-11 is a big deal.....and the hoover dam might rupture (because it shows it on the money! just like the twin towers burning it showed on the money before it ever happened!!!...and the water coming over buildings too is on the money) and all the other stuff that is right around then happening!! Now the point is why all of this all of a sudden? why?
Not even mentioning that my dream of the 2 moons would be on the next full moon, which is in November too on the 10th...hmmm, then the 11th is just after and if that had any connection with the alien ship and the people screaming......that would be ummm awesome...but bad and scary.
Anyway...we all know nothing cool ever happens, so don;t worry about it...just go to work and pay your bills and pretend the world is a happy place with rainbows and snowcones full of blue raspberry juice!

Take a shower next time....

2011-10-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you how awesome roller derby is...
(((( ------------------------------------------------THIS AWESOME!!!!-----------------------------------))))
I have missed skating, and even though it will be awhile before we are actually pummeling each other, it's okay :) I don;t like getting hurt that much, lol. We have a great team and one day we will be rocking it out on the skate floor to Darth Vadar's theme song! After all, we are the Dunlap Darksiders!!! Whoo!

So let me tell you about a rant I wanted to write about yesterday but didn't get a chance to.....It's about this rare thing called responsibility....
So you know about the 2 kittens we picked up from the park that someone had dumped there (because they lack responsibility, either for not spaying or for taking initiative to find them homes!) Well, we have just the one left to rehome.
So the neighbor's kid asks if she could have it....and me being responsible says no.... not that she would be the responsible party, but that every single pet they get is half starved!! Not to mention the kittens they bring to their house at least twice a year end up living under the house and turning feral. Every single one. So I say no, not only because of that main point that they can't and don;t take care of them, but in reality the kids are only there on the weekends anyway. So I say no....I'm not going to rescue a kitten and then see him neglected and dumped off somewhere else.
A little while later...guess what....the neighbors kid asks to borrow some cat food for her kitten they have over at their house...I'm like WTF!? No I didn't say that, but I was like what!? See what I mean, they go get something they only tend to the first day and bring it home with no food.....WTF!!! Me, being understandably frustrated and angry says no. For one reason is even though I would love to help the actual kitten, it is not my responsibility to give away food to someone else who refuses to take that responsibility....omg...
Then I had this realization....... say for instance the world economy goes to shit... food is restricted... things are really tough and hard.... and us, here at home with my small yet dependable stockpile of food and bottled water, and bullets, and firewood... all the irresponsible people will come out... they will ask for favors...they will plea for help...and here I will be saying no...
This troubles me, because I would like to help, but I can't risk my family's sake for any of theirs...
it's like the ants and the grasshoppers.... and it sucks, but we can't take responsibility for those who refuse to take responsibility for themselves....

I seriously can't wait to get off this craphole of hell. To be reaped and separated form the dumbass weeds. I don;t care if you think I am being cynical or rude, or mean, or hateful, I don;t give a shit what you think.....the point is that there are people everywhere that are so blinded and deaf and dumb, that they can't do things for themselves.... I would argue that it would be our (the awakened) responsibility to teach them, but being so few.... it cannot be done alone.... and I feel alone. No one speaks up, no one calls out, no one reveals themselves....and it makes me sick to think that ones who are of God hide Him from the world...because of their fear, either fear of strangers, or fear of their brethren.

We'll leave it at that before I go too deep and drown you and your weak souls in the depths of reality.

In a pickle? Make a sandwich!

2011-10-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

I'm having my coffee...yum
I've completed 6 things off my to do list today...hooray
We got a sweet check in the mail yesterday which in turn will help pay off some things we've been holding out on...awesome
I also got a pair of new jeans in the mail too, which I love...sweet
I had to rewrite my to-do list since I had scribbled out those 6 items and it looked sloppy, but I now have 2 others already marked out...oh yeah
I'm going to work on my book tonight too...love
Tomorrow I get to go to roller derby...cool
and meet up with another lady who may be able to do the applique work I need...booyah

However...I am stuck in the indecision of whether or not I want to continue my sewing biz, I will not be doing customs...hell or high water, I will burn in fire or drown, but I will not do a custom set. I want my other life back....oh wait, what I mean, is I want the other part of my life to not be starved because sewing shit suffocates it's life out. But on the other hand, if I get my sewing people to make the customs, it won't really be my problem...sigh. Such issues that really are not issues, they only exist because I am afraid of being broke.
And...the cost that goes along with having other people make it...which is bad, because I'm poor, because I would need to buy all the fabric up front and pay my sewers up front, and then afterwards list and hope I sell out... ugh...decisions decisions...where oh where do I find someone to help me make my decision??? I need input...

Though, I still want to sew only what I want to sew, kwim? lol...I know I make no sense.

Sooooooo......have you ever had the feeling that the world is lingering on the edge of downfall? I do. Kinda like the smooth waters just before you go off the waterfall....or the quiet stillness just before a superstorm hits. Or the odd silence just before an eartquake. You've got to know what I'm talking about, I can't be the only person who sees the unseen...but that's what I've been feeling lately....but I find it rather beautiful....
I find it beautiful that people are protesting (the good way) in random cities. I find it beautiful that some people are taking notice in their health and in the foods they eat. I find it beautiful someone out there in the world has woken up from their slumber...and taken a step forward in presence and actually doing something beside being led around by whomever had control over them.....even if it was their idea of God.....
Ideas are bad when they too control you, bad when you find it hard to even follow your own made up guidelines to stay in cahoots with the big man upstairs...with whom you also have made up ideals about because someone told you that's how it was, or is supposed to be.
I'm sure they also told you that you have all this stuff to do to please Him too...but really....all He wants is your love, and you to talk with Him...and to just take notice that who He is and what He is...is the same as what you are underneath all those ideas and thoughts, and hindrances you have placed upon yourself.
To get to Him, you need to get to strip away that which is not really you...

Death is the stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to "die before you die" -- and find out, there is no death. ~ Eckhart Tolle

Anyway, enough ramblings, no one wants to hear about God nowadays...and those who do don;t like to share their ideas, or worse, they don;t like to hear the ideals of others....they don;t want to be persecuted...and they don;t want to know who you are, they don;t care who you are....because if they found out they wouldn't like you because you weren't like them....but we all know that every wave in the sea is totally different than every other...
Blindness keeps them from realizing we are all waves...
Oh, but better, something I saw in a Mutts comic strip... The cat was looking at the snowflakes falling and said something about them all being different, each one unique and pure, and lovely in it's own right,...and they were falling, blowing in the wind, some speedily, some slowly, some large, some small....and the cat said "like each one of us." All separate, but a part of the whole, which is the snowfall itself as a whole event...
Now of course we should know that snow actually forms around a speck of dust too, lol...but if you want to relate that to our inborn sin...go ahead...I prefer to fall to the ground with the rest of the snow and become part of the one and melt away...the dust stays there on the ground...because we get changed...yeah, that's how it goes my friends.
Soooooo....want to hear a story? I bet you do!

Once upon a time, in a dream of change...
I stood there upon a clifflike pillar. The sky was burnt orange and red and gray and went on forever... Hordes of people were down below the cliff filling up every space of the ground, continuous....they were all yelling and appeared angry. In the distance was another pillar where I saw someone else standing, though they were too far away to see who is was.
Then just before me the Lord appeared. He said "Look down, what do you see?". I looked at my feet, and at the dusty ground and rocks. I said "Nothing. Dirt, rocks?"
What is below you, keep it below you. And what's above, will always be there above you. And there beside you? It is there for you and with you."
Your hands." He said. I lifted them up, he took hold of them. "Your hands...let them be my hands. And your eyes, let them be my eyes. Your lips, let them be my lips. And your heart, let it also be mine." He said.
"See what I see, speak what I speak, do what I do, and above all, love what I love."

The violence below me...they must stay below me...God stays above....and the few others beside me, no matter how far, are for me and with me...the Lord was there with me too...He wasn't above or below. but before me...

Yeah, so my stories suck, so bite me.

Gotta get off the mushy stuff, let's talk about how awesome it would be to meet people you thought never existed in the real world. Yes, awesomeness....but I'm a spaz and would be all shy and shit, because I am shy actually.... I blame public school and the lack of a good role model.
Speaking of role model.....if you make someone up in your own mind as a role model, are you really your own role model? Yes, I am seriously messed up, lol. And yes, I do have stupid random thoughts flowing through my head on occasion (which means more than half the time) so you all get to see why I'm such a spaz, lol.
Then again, doesn't everyone think weird things? Kinda like after watching that awful cool horrible awesome movie called 'The Fourth Kind'.....and you just can't sleep well because you keep waking up and looking out the window to see if there's a little alien (or owl) looking in, like it just knew you watched an alien movie, lol. I hate (love) that movie....and will never watch it again. I do believe in aliens...because I've seen crap (even though I think it's all government secret stuff too.) So not cool, but yet awesome at the same time....see the problem I have with decisions? can you tell? lol

I'm going to take some pictures tomorrow too....yay!
But I have to go, because I've got a book to write! See you sweet cucumber radishes later. Be sure to dive in the vinegar juices and dill weed and be sure to say hello to the pumpernickel bread for me.
Jesus loves you, this I know...and we don;t need a book to tell us so.
Peace out, little pickles.

Boo Hiss and hellfire!

2011-10-12T13:55:00.000-07:00

Today is not a day to keep..heck not even one to continue either, but whether it's the full moon or someone has put rocks in everyone's shoes....I can't wait to go to bed and wake up tomorrow instead.

I did however win tickets to some Holiday music thingy...but I don;t want to go anyway, so maybe I can find someone who does want to go. Now if it was the Transiberian Orchestra, I'd be all over it, but this is some musicians playing Christmas music....not even any dancing or pretty lights, so I will pass.

Today, thanks to hubby's bad mood....now I feel like nothing I do, or want to do, or things I have, or things I want to have....have any meaning whatsoever. Yeah, I suck so much I now hate myself. thanks. I hate what I do, I hate what I have, I hate things I one day would have liked to do, I hate things I would one day like to have. thanks. I'm gonna go crawl in my hole and cry myself to death so I can escape this awful existence...because I am worthless. thanks very much.

I like to dance in the darkkkk because it's embarassing to let people see me do it, lol!

2011-10-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

Baby likes to dance in the dark, cause when he's looking she falls apart...

hahahaha.... I feel like laughing and crying...someone save me...

Well....I'm glad because we have a roller derby team here in Dunlap!! Sweet! Can't wait to get to skate and meet all our new players!
I'm glad because I am getting the kids to do their own schoolwork today and they are almost done without complaint or blood, awesomeness.
I am glad because yesterday I got the most coolest boots and sweater in the mail from buckle.com...omg, I hope it gets cold (yeah, I hate cold, but I want to wear my goodies!)
I'm glad because I will not be buying any more fabric unless someone orders a custom...I am done fabric shopping for others.
I am glad that whatever money is actually in my paypal account (not much mind you) is just the beginning to my saving challenge to buy my fancy ass dslr camera kit...hell yes!
I am glad because after December 15th ..... I can choose never to sew another set in my life.
I am glad because I just am.

Now, I am not glad about the fact that Hancock's and Joann's have the worst selection of fabrics I have ever seen in my life. I am disappointed that they have so much of absolutely nothing. and the way they organize fabric cutting at Joann's it just rude and stupid. I will never set foot in that store again. I am sad that the top fabric designers are left out of the public's eye and are hidden because the fabric stores would rather sell crap fabric that doesn't match for $10 a yard, than offer amazing prints that match and are happy for $8 a yard...assholes.
If I had the money I would buy a fabric store and would put your sorry asses out of business. I promise you that....luckily for you I am not rich. Just wait.

I am not glad that I have completely failed at getting anything done today except breakfast, lunch, and a leftover sale posted to facebook. I suck.
I am not glad that I think it's important to actually accomplish something....really need to wipe that thought from my head...I know it's okay to just not do things sometimes.

I am not glad I still have much work to do....that doesn't include sewing orders...but footwork and emails and co-ordinance, and house work, and just stuff in general.
I am not glad that I don;t have any good 'angle' pics for camera club tonight....sigh...oh well...

I think there's a good lesson in the practice of killing your own thoughts. thoughts that say things like 'you're doing it wrong' or that's not the right way' or 'He can't hear you when you talk like that' or 'since you don;t feel heard, means you have to call His name twice'....bullshit stuff. I know you have no idea what I am saying, you can always ask. But the lesson is not listening to yourself because you know nothing at all, and all the thoughts that are like that are not you at all...and they certainly are not Him.
I am sad because at some places in your life, there is a wavelength between you and Him and it is ever burning in it's electricity and consuming closeness.....and sometimes it's on the other wavelength, like that tide going out...and you feel disconnected...and your quite, and He's quiet...and you feel forgotten or set aside for later...
I love Him. And love is not enough....when you see His face...and you are lifted and carried in His arms....and you hear His voice...love will never be enough ever again. Be thankful for what He has given you...because it only hurts when He gives you so much more that the love alone can never be enough again. Be thankful He spared you from His glory.

Okay, too deep, I'm sorry.
So...what else do you want to hear about....a rant...did that, a lesson, did that...hmmm. Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE....I think he's on vacation, I can't seem to find him. bummer. No incredible stories today...boo.

How about the apocalypse....now that's interesting, but I'm sad to think it will never happen. bummer. But my thoughts are that Elenin was a messenger to wake people up...and YU55...not sure, but if it's blue...hmmmm... November 9th (ELEven NINe) will only tell. which also happens to be 40 days after the sign in Virgo....alrighty then. Something is weird, but no bad dreams lately so we are cool.

We may go see Frankenstein at the kids theater this Friday and the zoo on Saturday since it's free. That'd be nice, and if it's not super cold or raining, go hiking (photoshoot!) on Sunday.
Anything but stay home and sew even though I should....lol.

I;d best get going to try and think about getting up off the computer and get something kinda sorta closer to being done so I don;t feel like a complete loser....

"Whosoever would lose their life for My sake, shall find it."

...it isn't over.....

2011-10-04T10:15:00.000-07:00

....hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it....

Bad. Love is not enough...and this pisses me off. You know when you read all those happy little slogans and verses that tell you how wonderful the world is and how squishy good things are...or could be..... Love is NOT enough...and NEVER will be. NEVER NEVER NEVER!
People need to wake up....but no matter how hard you shake them or trample on their head or blare loud music...they are lost into that dream state of unawareness.... they are lost and none can awaken them...except sometimes an awful experience...which is sad that it takes such vile means to get people to see anything.
Love is not enough.
What is?
Action perhaps? God didn't just love you and all of a sudden and turn everything okay...wouldn't that have been nice....even His love alone wasn't enough, so ours never could be. He had to take action....and so do we...but not without love too.

So helpless...hopeless...lost...when will we ever be released from this burden....

Frustrating day...but I do believe this is a day of action.
Today I quit my roller derby team :( sad I know, but it had to happen. Anyway, there may another one that I might be able to join, which would be cool too
Today....I am going to burn something down. My business....I am so sick of dealing with it....not that its hard or anything...sometimes stressful, but seriously I find it boring as hell...heck I don't think hell is even that boring, lol. So by taking action...I will either turn it upside down and shake it around until it looks cool....or I will discover that it is no longer cool at all and throw it away. I do not freaking care....and the fact some people think it is awesome and cool and even remotely important to me are wrong.... I use it for income...even though I feel that I spend $10 to make $12 or on real terms, I spend $550 to make $650.... really, I don't think it is worth all the frustration and planning and time and attention and difficulties and pain that it is worth.... if I raise my prices I don't sell....if I spend money and premake stuff I still end up with leftovers I can't get rid of...but who am I kidding...it is boring!! I think out of my entire 6 or so years (gee, how long has it been?..hmmm) I have maybe 10 sets that I love because I gave my time and attention and love into those sets....and I didn't care if they ever sold...I was happy making them. Now I can't do any of that, because I don't care and when I do 'want' to make something cool...I have all the 'have' to make stuff to get done first...and by the time those are finished, I have more, and by that time I had forgotten all about my great idea and all I remember is how great that set would've been had I had the time.

I want your ugly, I want your disease. I want your everything as long as it's free....I want you love...caught in a bad romance....
I feel that way between me and my business, haha....but it's not free and in fact it's getting more expensive...because ugly fabrics are expensive and the good ones are outrageous!!!...and I don't buy ugly, I'm sorry...I was not bought nice shit when I was a kid except for my first Nintendo game system and my guitar...thank you mommy :) ...so anyway...nowadays I buy exactly what I want or nothing at all...unless I can 'fix' it, lol.
I hope you don't mind me writing song lyrics while writing, lol....yes, I have my itunes playing...I can't help myself...

hmmm...so... my advice guy said I can buy all the fabric I want for holiday sets now and make money back later, instead of saving what I have now...though I;d rather start saving for my camera I will be buying. I hate sewing.
Except of course for that Mojo Jojo power puff girl set I 'want' to make, lol. Too bad I am not gonna get to do it just yet...grrr....

So let me tell you about OMG, INCREDIBLE....he mentioned something about 'you're going to have to jump if you want to live...'cause there's nothing better than the fall, and nothing greater than living.'
Which goes back to that letting go thing....you would think risking losing a little bit of income wouldn't be so traumatic...and it wouldn't be if we weren't broke as shit right now, lol.

Okay, really let's learn something...how about how instead of absorbing the problems of the world, the people repel them, so everyone can see them. If they were absorbed and taken care of by everyone, there wouldn't be problems, and when they did come up, they would quickly be dissolved....but nope, people repel them and they sit there and bounce around society like ugly viral diseases with no cure....
the cure is in ourselves....the cure is the light we can shine on them...and light dissolves darkness....
Little gods too blind to realize we are carrying all the light necessary to defeat that which is sin. Too blind to know the God in us can defeat the god of us.

oooohhh...deep ;) go think on it a bit.

The baffled king composed it Hallelujah. G'day my mighty oaks of wisdom and joy. Sway in the light and soak in the water of life.

Please brake for squirrels and curves while driving.

2011-10-02T18:12:00.000-07:00

Well, let's start off with the adventures of the long weekend....
We went to Stone Door and Greeter Falls for a hiking/photoshoot. Went well. Was fun, but I recall how i hate climbing hills. Hubby lost his sunglasses somewhere in that crack at stone door...and I want to thank him for going to sit on the edge of one of the overhang rocks just so I could get a pic...thanks honey for risking life and limb.
We found another snake in the yard too....not a rattle snake this time, thankfully! But a rat snake, with whom we caught in a bucket and released a bit down the road...you were a good sport Mr. Snake.
Then after an uneventful trip out to Chatt. we saw a squirrel on the road who had just been hit by a car...and yes, we stopped to pick it up (yes, still alive!) brought home and let it chill out in my awesome critter cage I built a long time ago.....
Unfortunately Mr. Squirrel died later that evening...and so we brought it inside to show the kids...and the dog...and the cats...and the kitten.....It was much fun to watch hubby play with a stiff dead squirrel with each of the pets LOL!
Bubbles wanted to play, Toothless wanted to play, Isaac definitely wanted to play, though Prince Vaughn had issues and backed away, lol.
I have to say that squirrel tail is a favorite of both the cats and the dog. They each had their turns with the poor, stiff, and dead Mr. Squirrel...until hubby gave it a flying lesson out behind the house, which I really hope Isaac doesn't find it later and bring it home anytime ever.....
You may think its mean and cruel to 'play' with a dead squirrel....but at least we didn't dissect it! Or keep it's skull....so :P anyway we all got a great laugh out of it...though I'm sad he got hit by the car in the first place :( I tried to help him.

So in other news....I don;t like the cold weather. And I had another weirded out dream a few nights ago which woke me up and then I saw some picture somewhere (I can't find it!) that resembled what I saw in my dream!!! Ahhhh!! I hate this! But this time it wasn't ufos (whew!)....It started where we were next to the freeway watching my sister Judy do tricks on a dirt bike (yeah, idk!) anyway then the clouds started poofing in rings...(like a smoke signal or something?) and I kept pointing saying 'that means something, but I can't remember what it was' and we all watched them thinking it was cool.....then some red drops (maybe just red dots) formed in the sky where the clouds were forming and the red spots started growing and turning more orangish grey as they spread out (kinda like when you add food coloring to water?) then a huge storm started forming from the red/orange area...and I remember saying that it was 'time to leave NOW'... (reminds me of my last dream??!!, I even had the thought of my last dream in this dream when I said that!) So we all ran to get into the RV (my mom's) I had to run to my rental van (in my dream, I don;t have a van) to get my camera (lol! me and my camera!) I started to drive myself, but changed my mind at the last second and I decided instead of taking my vehicle, that it would be better to stay with the group of us together so they wouldn't be scared.....
So I got in the rv..and Don was driving...
Since we were on the freeway we had to go towards the storm to hit the exit to go the other way, but Don started going right instead of across the overpass and I remember my mom saying 'uuuuuhhh' like she was complaining that it was a dumb idea to take the long way back home (I thought that too), but he went right anyway and as he started going up a curve (fast, btw) too fast the rv couldn't make the curve and it started tipping over....which is exactly when I woke up!

Now I am seriously not going to ride with anyone other than myself! I was thinking that in my dream since I went back to get my camera, that I should've taken it as a sign to drive myself, lol. Weird....cause in my older dream, I was driving when we were leaving to get away from the crazies who went to hunt down the ufo. UGH! I hate dreams like this....anyway, the pic I saw just today or yesterday was of a large red blob of something in the clouds that had appeared in the last few days....ugh, I don;t remember where I saw it!

Okay, enough dream stuff....today I sewed stuff...and I am so over it....I want to paint..but noooooooo, I have to sew...phooey! I can't seem to break free!!!!! I keep getting myself stuck in the rut, even though I consciously make the decisions that out me there over and over again......and why you ask? because I get paid...ugh. I hate money...and the fact I want stuff...even though I know wanting is only want until you have it and you find something else you want....grrrr. Like boots, or a cool looking sweater from buckle.com that I can't rightfully afford....at least not without debating whether I should buy fabric or sweaters, lol.... and I haven't even started saving for my camera I WILL buy this Black Friday or somewhere by Christmas (yes, I use Christmas as an excuse to buy myself stuff I do not need, bite me) and the fact that it usually will be on super sale and I can't justify buying one unless its on sale :P
get that?? I know, I jumble words together alot when writing, lol....and I usually get misquoted or misunderstood too....but I am used to it. People like to have fun persecuting others, so I let them have at me...because I know where I'll be standing on Judgement Day....and it's not where you think.

gotta go....talk to you lovely little plushy starfish in the sea of dancing dreams and dying waves of pity...

Storybooks, are full of fairytales....

2011-09-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

Why does it take all day to clean my sewing room?
It's better, but I still have a pile of Christmas fabric stacked in the middle of the floor.....and now I am thinking I don;t like hanging on to fabric that may not even be used up because no one orders a custom...... thinking I should use up the leftovers and just do samples and just maybe if someone wants a custom set, then I could order more instead of being stuck with fabric and not sell any customs...kwim?
Of course, lately, they are selling out of some prints already...so I couldn't do customs anyway...then again, I hate doing customs too....really, what do I have to lose? I'll give it another day and then decide...as I am not thrilled with customs anyhow, and next year I plan on not doing any at all.....soooo.... I'm not real sure what I am waiting for...
Well, crud, I just talked myself into it, lol.

Now I have a real dilemma with trying to get some matching shirts ready to pair up with everything...as also in my sewing room I have 57 YES 57!!! skirts already premade and ready to go, and a few more I need to add some fur to, and even have some more in the sewing phase. My oh my! I don;t even have enough hangers or a big enough place to hang them all!! But I bet it would all look so pretty if I just hung them up, lol!
But I need some shirts sewn up with some appliques that are already cut out and ready to sew together (yay!!) but guess who gets to sew them all....yeah, that's right...moi...and I don;t want to. I need to find someone to sew some up for me, but alas! It;s just about October and I don;t have time to fool around...boo

Anyway, besides my sewing issues...tomorrow we are going hiking, though for the sake of keeping the kids from whining, we are going on a photoshoot, lol. They don;t like hiking much lately, but are fine with a photoshoot...haha...
Of course, I can't wait till the leaves change color to get some really good ones...and I can't wait to get a bodaciously cool camera and lens to take even better ones.

Anyway....I am very frustrated that I can't find super awesome fabric that would work for my other business idea...so I probably won;t get it done...boo hiss!!

What are we gonna talk about today beside boring 'this is my life situation' stuff...hmmm...how about money...oh wait, I don;t have any of that, so I know not much about it, lol. How about music...I like that and have bunches of songs stashed on my itunes... music is great, but I still do not prefer rap, death metal, or overly country, or christian music, sorry. I will listen to the oldies all day or even some corny kids songs, but the others lack in something....
It's kinda like seeing something wonderful and then seeing something ho hum....then someone comes along and says something about the ho hum thing being beautiful, when you already know there is something even better out there. Not saying the ho hum isn't beautiful, but knowing that the wonderful thing is beyond explanation. And I'm not talking about opinions, because in general all things hold their own beauty..I'm talking about more inner spiritual things....
Knowing that there is something better than the expanse before you...knowing that there are places that once you've been there, that anything you could see here in this world is all ho hum....and mortal. And the people you meet or know....knowing that how they are now is just ho hum to the beautiful beings they will be. And they may be different or separate or something other than yourself now....but there...in that existence... they are one with you, they are all your family, they are all His too....
Get out of your box...you don;t have to be 'there' to live like you are a part of it. Bring it forth...bring your heaven inside and carry it around...and give freely.... or shut the lid on your box, no one wants to be a part of those who hold nothing dear....greed will not get you there...not even the greed of heaven itself....

I'm sorry..... don't get lost... there's only one thing to know.... and hopefully you know who He is already. You don;t need anything else.... We promise.

Clouds will rage and storms will race in, but you will be safe, in my arms......rains will pour down, waves will crash around, but you will be safe, in my arms.....

Bittersweet blah blah blah

2011-09-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

...muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart.....

A change for the day...I got more than usually accomplished except for school, lol. Oh well, there's always tomorrow...but then again, today is not over yet :)...not for school though, I have writing to do, cause I read some little facebook status that had something to do with putting your dreams on hold because there is something you 'have' to do first...and well, I believe in screwing the 'have to do' and hunt after the 'want to do'.....because really now, I'm at the point where what I want to do is so beyond awesome, that Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE says that whatever I love, is what He loves....and We need to pursue it...as love is the creation of all dreams....sooooo...

And...since we are on facebook status thoughts, I had read another just a few minutes ago regarding going to sleep to dream of the one who dreams about you. I wonder if it is like that at all, that someone somewhere on earth (or not, or another dimension, whatnot) shares the same connection that is put off as imagination here in the real world...hmmm...and I also wonder if you love someone enough, that that resonating frequency could actually create them??maybe, yes, no?
And since we are on the asking out-there questions.....let me ask another....
If humankind all have a similar goal to accomplish, that they themselves would accomplish it eventually because of the shared vision/frequency (for example: in the old days that men believed they would fly, and eventually it became so, same as going to the moon, that it was manifested into reality, and many other examples...and so on) so in fact if that statement was true that men could manifest all their desires, it would then be true that we are our own little gods, but not only that but it would then be deemed that in a mass vision that people believe in a higher being like God, that it in fact it would make it true because we would have manifested it (Him) into being. So yes, you can prove God is real :)
Not that I actual believe that, but if you want to turn an scientific atheist into a believer...I guess that at least would plant a seed of some sort, right? lol.

Oh well, there's a rambling for today...and so far nothing has came of my irritating dream. I need to go do that deviant entry now...been bothering me all day that I needed to get it out...see you Cadillac maestros later. Go make some beautiful music with the sounds of engine degreaser and ...

I wish nothing but the best for you too....don't forget me, I think, I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.....

Of dreams and blood.....

2011-09-26T05:40:00.000-07:00

Well...what has happened...yesterday hubby sliced his finger open, yippee. So I doctored him up, though stitches would be better, that lack of health care keeps one from jumping on the bandwagon to go to the hellhole of financial disaster called the hospital. So long as he keeps it clean, and watches for any infection, he should be fine. Otherwise a cheapy (yeah, right) visit to the clinic will have to take place.

I still have one cute little kitty to find a home.....he's a sweetheart and loves people and kids!!

I had one of those dreams last night too....yeah,the kind you wake up from feeling tense and anxious....the ones that prelude some sort of real life disturbance.....ugh, I hate those dreams. Had them quite a few times in the past, and every single time I wake up from one, they represent something, so I'm trying to be prepared for some whacked phone call, or some bad news in the mail, or something else I don;t like, that may have some comparison to my dream. I hate it. Bad enough that it was at 7:47 that I woke up (or shall I say was woken up)
747 is one of those numbers that follow me around (both 747 and 454) but 747 also represents the number of times that Jesus is referred to as Lord in the New Testament, lol. Yay, for random facts! Anyway...no idea what 454 represents.

So this dream sucked! I will tell some of it though whatever was in it doesn't always compare exactly to whatever may or may not happen.....
My family and I were visiting somebody's house, like a party or group thing, since there were many other people there...I can;t remember the first half, but it ended up that we were star gazing at night. There ended up being two moons in the sky, that at first no one but me saw them, but then everyone did. It was really cool actually, but then they started moving very quickly (or more like the earth turned very quickly) and they both veered to the right rapidly. Then the sun rose just to the left of where the moons were. (in my dream I thought the sun was in the west??, but maybe it was the east), and we were all thinking that it was weird because it was now morning already, but then it started going upward rapidly as well, and we all thought it was cool. Everyone was in awe really.
Then a plane (airliner) was coming over us and looking up there was something ahead of it (like a UFO) and I pointed up telling everyone to look (since no one ever believes me when I really see a ufo!) they saw it though and it curved and crashed down behind the house. At that time all those people started rushing back to the house to go and search for it, I decided not to as I was now not thinking it was so cool and was planning on leaving. So I grabbed the kids and everyone else I could manage to get to leave with me, and me and hubby ran back into the house to grab our bags(they were packed??but it wasn't our house??idk) and when we went on the porch, there were people there chanting at the windows and crap but we ran in to get our stuff and as we were backing out of the driveway and starting up the road, people in the house started screaming?? (at that time I thought a little alien dude or whatever they found was freaking them out or something) but we didn't stop and drove away quickly, just then I was woken up...(still with that type of impending better get out of here feeling) UGH! I hate dreams like that! Now hate is a strong word, but the last few times I had dreams I was 'woken up from' weird things happen and I don't like it!

Today is cloudy and windy too, and some sunshine would really be nice, lol. *yawn. Too early to write I guess.
I have so much to do today too and that in itself isn't appealing.

I need to go add another entry to my deviant art journal too...

You know what.....why is it that it takes someone cutting their finger to realize you don;t have enough bandage supplies...it's like it happens so you are aware that you 'need to get that taken of' sorta thing. What we need is a suture kit and some numbing meds...because I already know how to sew....even sewed up a hit by car rabbit before...all the doctor will do is put a 5 mile long bandage on it that is 7 inches think and send you home anyway. Dumb.
So enough of the dread and boo hiss stuff...what do you want to learn about today.....how about.....how bad it is to get a tax thing in the mail you have to fill out and pay, even though the tax people didn't do jack crap in helping you make or sell your own work. That's always nice. Or better yet when the sun still hasn;t shone through :P Or when you NEED a certain fabric print that just sold out within 2 weeks, that sux.

Okay now, really, something happy...ummm.....I am happy in general, does that count? Besides the fact that at one point in your life you feel connected and then you end up feeling persecuted and done away with...oh yeah, love that. I'm sure Jesus loved that too.

sigh...nothing to say today I guess, nothing thought provoking anyway....what a bummer. I guess I will talk to you penguins later. Happy flip flopping on the slides of ice that like to send you flailing into the great ocean of churning emotions. God bless.

We R who we R - deal with it

2011-09-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

"...it's been a long time since I came around, been a long time but I'm back in town, this time I'm not leaving without you...."

Have you found your Jesus?
......hahaha...funny, because I wrote those lyrics and that sentence as two separate entities, but in truth they are one...yeah, good times, even if it's in my own mind.
"You and I...you you you and I...oh yeah, I'd rather die, without You and I"...... I love the song already, but now I love it more...lol. Let's continue with more lyrics :)
We've got a whole lot of money, but we still pay rent, 'cause you can't buy a house in Heaven....there's only 3 men that Imma serve in my whole life, it's my Daddy, and Nebraska, and Jesus Christ

Of course....I consider the first and last the same entity as well....since my sperm donor father is too chicken shit to even call me, even if he is visiting the other siblings that happen to live within 30 miles of me....thanks dad... I love you anyways...but incase you decide to man up, Jodi has my number, Judy has my number, oh, so does Steven and Mom. and who knows who else. You know we are all going to die oneday.

and I've never been to Nebraska, maybe possibly drove through or flew over, but not really I don't think. But I'm proud to say that in the effort to teach my kids where all the states are and the capital cities, I now know where it is on the map and the capital city....go me!
And for serving anyone, it'll be Jesus Christ, my awesome hubby, and one of the people in my imagination, because I love him too. :P...oh, and Prince Vaughn, because he's my handsome fluffy kitty who deserves everything he wants. and people who ask...or don;t....but I won;t tell.

Okay, let's get back on track, since I made an awesome connection between a lovely Lady Gaga song and Jesus!!
funny how this song came out just about the time where the crazy prophesy people are popping up...hmmm....let me rephrase that.... about the same time when the virgin (Virgo) clothed in the sun, with the moon under her feet (Sept 30th 2011), crown of 12 stars on her head (yes, look at the those stars, they are there for real!) she was pregnant and about to give birth to a son (Venus aka: Morning star; Jesus aka: Morning Star) who will rule the nations with an iron scepter, but a red dragon (Elenin) is before her ready to devour the child. (Elenin is set to be between the earth and sun the 26-28ish)...no clue if that has anything to do with the Three Days of Darkness...
UGH, forget all that.....the point being is that He is not leaving without you...yeah, good times.

Okay, so without sounding like a complete looney, let's get to another point......why is it that something you like to do, does not like working with you....ugh. Fixing to throw it all in the trash....I need to keep moving, i can't hold on to things that are being piss assey. My patience is transmuting into action....and I can't be waiting for other people...so not gonna happen. I've already started thinking about it, so that right there should tell you that one of my more physical hobbies is in severe danger of being put to death....be warned.

And I want to say how much I LOVE having employees...omg, you guys make me so happy, thank you for giving your time. And I still need one more to do some tedious applique work (or an embroidery machine)...whichever comes first. I like designing, not working...lol...better yet, someone with a kick-ass embroidery machine that can do the huge 12+ inch designs (custom designs and Disney!) for cheap, because I am poor.

and all my money will go towards kick-ass dslr camera and lens, and memory cards, and battery packs....yay!! I want to go take pics NOW!
I am so thankful that I can have a hobby that makes money to pay for my other hobbies....and for a hubby that doesn't complain that I have too many hobbies :D

What was the word of the month....hmmm, I forget and am not going back to reread...but I think I was sharing my 'other' deviant art journal postings....oh dear......let's go find you one to contemplate....
Oh wow....how about this page....deep shit right there~ http://shadowdragondreams.deviantart.com/journal/?offset=55
hmmm, that was a long time ago I wrote that too, but I just reread the page to make sure it wasn't something offensive....haha, not really, I like being offensive if you haven't gotten that idea yet, but I wanted to make sure nothing on there was something I couldn't explain if someone asked me........BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THERE ARE PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO ASSUME AND JUDGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GETTING TO KNOW THEM FIRST OR ASK QUESTIONS>>>AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE---->...see that, I didn;t call you a bad name...even though I could spew bad words and still not fall from grace....even if I know He grumbles at me and looks at me like I should watch myself when I badmouth others... I do try sometimes to not test your foundations. ;) but what fun would that be...
I love you guys. I'm just having fun with you, I don;t really think bad about anyone except child abusers and animal abusers.

Love you happy joyful green spotted froggies in the pit of despair and frustration....want to come out and play in the sunshine? Look me up, i will help you get out of that box and drop your bricks ;)

We can have a party while awaiting the earthquakes that probably won;t happen next week. Yay!!! froggies and sunshine with beer!...oh wait, I don;t drink.....shit.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! I put Cartoon Network and Youtube all in the same post, lol....Coincidence maybe??

2011-09-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

Well....I am bummed today. Not that it is being a bad day, not at all really...maybe it's just the rain.
Anyway, I have stuff to do for work. I haven't even started.
I have school to get started on and finished...easy stuff too, just I am seriously lacking in initiative.
I'm a bit disturbed that the kids watched too much tv this morning and now I have to wait for their minds to wake back up before starting schooltime, otherwise they will be whiney and totally not know what they are doing. So I'm frustrated at myself for letting them watch, frustrated that we even have cable. What a waste of money, considering I don;t watch anything.
I might catch a Survivor episode or some Dumbest criminals on Tru TV occasionally, but nothing I must watch...at least not until American Idol comes back on....even though that is local....maybe I can talk hubby into dropping our subscription down to local only and save $30 or so bucks.
We don;t get Cartoon Network anyway, so it's not a loss....and I despise everything on Syfy, lol. Lame-o shows.

Well, otherwise, besides the "I'm broke" feeling and the "I hate sewing" feeling and the "this house is a disaster" feeling and the "look at all this stuff that needs done" feeling....I'm all cheery deep down on the inside underneath the crap I am burying myself with. Damn bricks....why oh why do I pick them up. Ugh.
Need to go take a nice hot bath and just not pay attention to the stuff "I should be doing" and only focus on "this is what I'm doing now" moments.

Funny, because I often write things that will work for others to read and hopefully use, and sometimes I myself get lost too. I'm not perfect, and do not wish I was, but it's not like I have time to go back and reread things I wrote...I have adhd ....I forget shit, especially with that monthly visitor stopping by for a visit. I suck!

Also, I need homes for 2 kitties! Toothless is a sweety, but he is not liking my cats or the dog very much. He loves people though. Astrid...is weird. I'm not sure she can hear or see sometimes...very odd I would say. Hoping she starts acting normal so I can find her a good home. She doesn't mind my cats or the dog. And she loves people too....she just doesn't look for you when you call....like I said, she might have a vision problem or hearing maybe??idk. Odd, and I have owned more kittens/cats then necessary to be able to say that.
Both are great with kids and I would bet their birth family had toddlers or young children, because they have been desensitized to rough handling, they are very lenient when you mess with them, lol. Too bad they decided to drop them off in an old park with no food or water. Idiots, sure be like that and not take responsibility, let someone else handle it...many people share that same view, unfortunately. ever wonder why the world is cruel and violent...
Even the little things count. They may not make a huge difference at once, but they form what that difference becomes...

Ugh, enough sappiness. Today the world could end and I would not care. :P

Speaking of end of the world.... Elenin....very nifty info about it... spent an hour or so last night watching some youtube vidoes about it...mostly from 9Nania, as she's been following it a lot longer than me and has much of the links to everything else. Yeah, I know, youtube videos do not make it real or anything like that at all, I know that, but I like to be informed about real things and possible real things, and even pretend things. I don;t believe in much of anything except for Jesus.
So yesterday I noticed even things in the comments of some of the videos are very interesting...like the abomination standing in the desolate place...something like that...anyway, did it occur to anyone that Obama was standing at the 9-11 memorial on 9-11 and he read from Psalms 46...I know some think he is the antichrist, but besides that opinion, I find that rather interesting... Also the point made about the 7 year tribulation starting this September (Rosh Hashana possibly) and ending 2017-18... of course whether or not the Lord's church will be 'raptured' is another discussion. idk...I have many different thoughts about that one.

Sooooooooo......blah blahblah... none of that will help since its all opinions. But anyway, I could tell you to give your heart to Christ and repent before it's too late!..... but that wouldn't be right... I will tell you though to 'be still' ....when you are there you will already know what you should do, and nothing anyone else can say matters.

Much love and cupcakes to the sweet bitterness of lifelong dreams....with powdered sugar on top.

You just gestured to all of me....

2011-09-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm.....well....here I am thinking about maybe possibly going to go sew those items I "must get done before the mail runs tomorrow morning!!!" Yeah, those urgent, 'please get it scratched off my list' things I should be doing...
It seems OMG, INCREDIBLE is not getting on my tail about getting it done any faster than it is though...so I here I am writing about maybe thinking about that I should be going to do it...but I'm not, at least not yet anyway.

Want to know what I did today.... I went to pick up 2 stray kittens someone abandoned down in Dunlap. They were dehydrated and half starved. But I went to go get them.
So now they are nicely enjoying themselves in my bedroom for now. I didn't want to stress them out more than I should by introducing them to my cats or the dog just yet.
But, even after slaying that Resistance that kept saying something about 'someone else will handle it' and 'it'll be fine' and things about gas money or how hubby would be irate if I brought more pets home....things are great. They are alive and slowly recuperating. Hubby gets it and no, I can't say I saw him playing with them, he'd get busted red handed and we wouldn't want that since he's being an absolute sweetheart.
We will be needing to find a home for them though after a week or so after they get their weight back up and such.
I call them my little dragons, because when you pick them up they just purr and purr! They are super sweet! And we have temporarily named them Toothless and Astrid.

Okay, well, let me rephrase that to, that I don't want to stress 'MY' cats out just yet, lol. Prince Vaughn got all grumbly. Anyway, need some homes for the little girl and little boy, they are about 8 weeks old.

Did I mention that I had some cheez-its today too. omg...it's been forever since I try my best to avoid all milk and milk products (they are evil!) but I so badly wanted some so I took me a fancy lactaid pill and grabbed a handful. Whether or not I may be feeling okay tomorrow or later tonight has yet to be seen. Oh well. I had me some cheez-its.

Not feeling rude today at all, so nothing offensive to share. I will do something of the opposite though.
Fight the resistance....do good....always. Don't assume someone else will handle it, don't assume it's someone else's problem...there are no problems. Your circumstances and challenges are not your life, they are your life situation.....handle it well. Handle it like it was the job God gave you to do.....do your job well. Don;t assume someone else would do your job or even could do your job. Fight.
Like those old cartoons with the little angel and devil on your shoulder....the devil is the resistance that will keep you from doing your work, or the instigator of doing bad work. The angel just tells you what you should do, though he can't make you do it....that's your job and your job alone....fight.
Things come your way because you are the right employee for the job....or at the very least the one to bring the challenge to the right employee....never give up.

I really need to go do something productive before bed.....goodnight my sweet dandelions with curly noodle hair. Me love you lots :)

Much learning doth make thee mad

2011-09-12T06:31:00.000-07:00

Sooo.... I've been reading this book....well, technically, I just finished reading the book...and I have to say I love it.
"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.
Seems to me....there are some major things that prevent people in general from seeing/hearing/knowing the truth either about themselves, others, or life. And major screens people are attached to....be it thoughts, emotions, ideals... None of which really matter, not even my own.

Weird thing is, that actually productively focusing on the here and now, and letting all other opinions, blame, etc, etc fade away doesn't feel wrong. Even letting some particular ideas that some base their life upon fade away too.... kinda like that letting go thing I mentioned once upon a time. Letting go of it all....for they are all bricks.
And you still won;t feel lost, or feel like you have betrayed someone. Or feel like you have 'sinned'

I choose to go further down this path, just to see where it leads. As I didn't place it before me in the first place. It was placed there for me. And I will surrender to it.

Yay, you have no idea what I meant by any of that, I'm sure, so oh well. ;)
Anyway, got stuff to do today, and I won;t complain about them. As I have nothing to complain about, nothing to rant about....see what reading shit does to you...lol.

I do have a comment about a little title I saw in the paper the other day. It was only a small article, and I didn't really read the article except for a quick browse through which I have already forgotten, but I do remember the title...It was "Excuse me, but would it kill you to lie?"
Now this got me thinking... first off, I could use my thoughts (which are dysfunctional anyway (book said so)) and my thoughts would first say."Yes, because lying is a 'sin'...and you will die and burn in hell for that." hahahaha.... no I really don;t believe that you would go to a place called hell...though lying is wrong. I don't usually practice it, so I'm not qualified to elaborate with my dysfunctional mind thoughts.
On the other hand, my other thought would be, "No, unless it is a serious matter, people can get over it!!! They would believe anything told to them anyway if they are not present enough to know the difference between the truth and a lie." (yeah, my ruthless side talking....)
The point is that not many people are 'awake' so even telling the truth, one would still get bombarded with others judgements and opinions, and blames, and and and...... So feel free to lie, when none respect you enough to even ask you what you meant by something and like to judge and cast blame, and not even be considerate to the underlying soul that lives underneath all the bullshit.... that way when they cast judgement and opinions, it will be about nothing in truth....and if someone actually did want to learn what you really meant, then tell them the truth that you lied and wanted them to see how quick they were to blame and condemn.... As many are quick to do so...so fast, one can't even see it coming.

Oh, and then they sit there and add to their already negative thoughts, and build up a case against you. With their like minded friends they have brainwashed with their negative frequencies. And who someone really is, the soul inside, gets buried beneath the bricks. And one can never see how great the people are. Not only the the judges, but the victims too...assuming the victim likes picking up bricks too.
Let's throw them at each other, that'll really get us some brownie points to get to heaven.

Oh, wait....there I go playing mind games to mess with the thumpers...heaven isn't somewhere, some other place in the future....it is Now. And it is Here. Not sure what everyone is waiting for? Wake up. Shake yourself awake or something, I can't do it for you.
....or can I....?

I know, a little harsh today for this blog post, you'll get over it. I love you ALL anyways. Have a great day in the mists of the sunshine and blueberries. Hugs to my little padawans of enlightenment.

Oh, and our little gerbil, her name is Snips, off of the Star Wars cartoon, Ahsoka's kid names Anikin gave her :)...and she loves her ball.

there's a snake in my boot!!!

2011-09-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

I am NOT EVER going to do things the hard way again....
That means, that if I am still even remotely interested in doing this sewing hobby/job starting next year, I will go and buy me a damn expensive, top-o-the line, kick-ass, exactly what I deserve embroidery machine!

I will take out a loan, or finance it if I have to, because this hard work is BULLSHIT!!!!

Mainly because even though mine are all handmade and cut and sewn, that doesn't make them any more awesomer than the people who went and bought that fancy machine already....so they get the machine to make it all in 'no time at all' while I spend too much time and energy getting mine done.....UGH!!!
I love that they can do it, but there is no reason whatsoever that I even care to bother anymore...except for that paycheck...

If I still feel cheated by Monday, I am going to deactivate all my custom etsy listings and just be poor...because at least I'll be sane.
GRRRRRR!!!!!

I'm going to be a photographer next year anyway...because I want to see the world and all that it holds! And I want to be outside! And I want time to spend with my family and write and paint and do nothing at all!!!!

And I can do whatever the hell I want!!! So there!

I need a hug....

So, that was my rant for the day...lol....and I am so not thrilled right now.
Let's just put it this way....I am very competitive, and when I see newbies come onto the scene and make incredible stuff with their fancy machine that does it in 'no time at all', I get irate. But it's okay really. I love that they are making awesome stuff and awesome money. I don;t care if I make any money sometimes, just that I create awesomeness...which lately I haven't been doing.... I SUCK!
I suck majorly, as I don;t even want to bother anymore.

OMG, INCREDIBLE said I need to re-prioritize and this was the only way to get me to do it, so here I am. Pulling my hair out...and for what? For nothing. I get to see that I can't do everything for everyone, no matter how nice, how available, how bad I want to be there to help and support others, I just can't do it all....and really, is there even a reason?
I try too hard, not only to please others, but to earn some sort of income to pay for everything but the bills, but it sucks shit.
I am not doing customs anymore...except for my ooak custom sales, as those are easy peasy! But nope, I do not like this please everyone idea at all....and OMG, INCREDIBLE said to ditch it and go on to where I need to be...and where I need to be is not here with them....but with Him....

*sigh....

I hate knowing things, but not knowing what to do with them. Then again, I can do anything with them and it would be just fine. But I hate making the choices. It's hard to make the choices. And even harder if you don't know where you are wanting to go....
well, it's late, I guess I will go to bed and sleep! :o)

The theme of the month can be a link to my awesome and freaky deviant art journal....
These are not rants (except maybe one or two) they are ..... insights...but some are really old and I consider some of them a look into a spiritual journey, from being invulnerable and caged...to where I am nowish... the dates will say...but I think they go back to 2008 or so....
And quite frankly, some I don;t remember writing, some are kinda harsh, some are really sappy Christian over-toned, (I am so sorry! I finally grew out of that...kinda..) and some still freak me out when I re-read them.... I am crazy...and it is a beautiful thing.
Here's a older page...I like the one from June 30th...but I like them all really, that's just the one I read just now, so I pointed it out, because I know we all suffer...

Love you all, with joy and with patience....

Oh, and the snake...in the middle of my yard, just strolling along as if he owned the whole yard...Mr. Rattle Snake, with the shaky tail and the pointy fangs.... I am sorry we killed you...I guess we could have attempted to catch you and relocate you... I am really sad about it and I am sorry I didn't come to that idea sooner... so now you are dead, and I have your tail.... ugh, I';m sorry.... I hate killing things, or having someone kill things, or watching someone kill things no matter how obviously dangerous they are... I feel so bad about it still. ..Of course you were probably hiding on my patio and could have bit one of my kids or me or hubby...and that's so not cool...or if we tried to catch you, you may have bitten one of us...and that's not cool either.... as you were kinda big.. Forgive us for taking your life... I will promise to attempt to spare the lives of your kin...unless you dare bite one of my kids....then you all will die...every last one of you...
have a nice day!

Are you sure it's being born again?

2011-08-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

Death is the stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to "die before you die" -- and find out, there is no death.

So, want to know what that means?
That means living in the Now.
That means letting the past go and never letting it steal away your present.
That means not looking forward into tomorrow with expectations that you create for yourselves.
that means giving all power to here and now. Right now. give everything you have and all awareness into Now. All other time is an illusion.

What else does this mean?
This also means that you will not like what is coming next.

This means that all your hopes for the future are false.
This means that all that waiting you have been doing for some type of resolution, some kind of goal, some sort of 'saving' or 'rescuing' you've spent your life waiting for will never come. As there is no tomorrow, only Now. The only way you are going to find Heaven isn't by waiting for it. For you cover up the true Heaven by looking for it in a time that doesn't exist. It is not in the past, it is not in the future. Heaven is only in the Now. But it is hidden behind all those thoughts that cover it. Hidden behind all those worries, all those regrets, all those failures. Hidden by the past and future.
Find yourself in the midst of Now. Your true self. Your true self is not your deeds, or your thoughts, or your emotions. Your true self is not your worries or your plans or your past.
Your true self is that which can see what the rest of you is doing. It IS. It is the person that watches how you act and observes how you react. It is the one who stops and without thinking of yesterday or tomorrow, the one who can feel the wind and smile back at the child who laughs. the one who can see the beauty in the sunrise and the sunset. The one who doesn't judge others or yourself because your true self knows no judgement, as it watches the essence of life silently. It doesn't look for God, as it already knows that it is already a part of God. Never separated. Never lost. Only hidden beneath the burdens of being a part of a time that doesn't exist.
Do not give away the Now. Do not lose it by thinking of tomorrow or yesterday. Do not bury your true self under thinking or analyzing things that can never affect who you are.

I'm sorry. Maybe you are waiting for Jesus to come rescue you... I don;t really understand why you think you were ever lost. I really don;t understand why you think you are apart from Him. Or apart from whatever ideology you believe in.
Heck, I don;t even understand why people say they believe in something, as there is a great wide big black line between believing something and knowing it. I believe in ufo's (because I've seen them!) but it could be some weird government agenda, but to believe in God.... what a disgrace, not only to Him, but to myself. Knowing Him is at least more respectable.
Believing is like saying I hope it's real, belief is a thought about something that may or may not be true.
But knowing... knowing is knowing it is true. I understand some people need proof and that;s okay. As I also think you either know or you don;t. There is no inbetween. (Kinda like, do or do not, there is no try) So believing is a sham and a lie to make you think you will not be persecuted or something.
Knowing is all there is.

So back on subject..... being in the Now. ... Well, since I've been hanging out with OMG, INCREDIBLE we've been going through a crash course in awareness and taking control of life.
I've been aware that people in general are mostly lazy and often always find excuses to NOT do something. they like the idea, they love the possible outcome, but something (resistance) stops them from going ahead with it.
Maybe they don't do it because of time, energy, money, they have other things planned, they don't feel well, they don't look right, they are tired, it's too far, it's too expensive, they don't know how, they don't want to go alone, they might mess up...etc.etc.etc.etc.etc!!! UGH!
I'm not sure about everyone else in the world, but I see major issues with all that. I see major issues when people are filled with fear too.
For instance, when I started roller derby, I heard things like, "what if you break an arm?" "what if you get hurt?" "Isn't that expensive?" "How will you make it to practice?" "That's dangerous..." etc.etc.etc.etc.
Fuck my arm. I don;t like sewing anyway. Hurt...? Like I'm scared of that...it'll only hurt for a minute. Cost? I would rather go in major debt than not do something out of fear of going into debt...Like when we went on vacation to the beach...we were broke and went anyway, had a great time too. Money will come and pay for it later, I do not worry about it.
Anyway, the point is people hinder themselves and others by being lazy asses who are scared and fearful. Shame on you.

Now I am stalking a few people who are totally go get it done people, because they inspire me. And because they do 'it' anyway. and it gets done. And you had better believe they will punch your face in if you try to stop them.... Me loves them!! and I think I am one of them too, but I don't believe I would punch you... I know I would.

Ah, I'm just kidding, I've only punched 2 people in my life (in the face anyway) One was my half sister who decided to draw on my favorite doll's face when we were really little.... it was funny, and I didn't get in trouble (Beautiful!) and another time when this guy tried to kiss me...but I think I kicked him in the gut a few times, not sure if I punched him... (yay, for combat boots!)...
Lol, funny cause that incident was also the reason my future husband was afraid to ask me out back in the day....lol.

Hmmm....so that's all for today. OMG, INCREDIBLE and I are off to be productive and unlazy.

Remeber, live in the Now, do not think about yesterday or tomorrow, or even later, DO SOMETHING NOW! and be sure to give your kids some hugs, just for having what you gave away...your Now.

Have a great day little peanuts on steroids and enjoy your mind infused delays that keep you from walking side by side with the Boss man. ;)

I picked up a hitchhiker.....and he's awesome!

2011-08-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

So I got to thinking again..... due to my fav site Cash and Joy...and this post specifically...

I'm wondering how much the world could accomplish if we all just kept breaking barriers and stepping forward onto new horizons....if only we would completely give our all toward every endeavor....

Now I will admit, I am a major procrastinator, especially when it comes to having to do something I really do not want to do, or don't care about... so I settle for the rushed state of "I better get it done" at the last minute and hope it comes out 'good enough'.
Not that it won't....because yeah, I am awesome. And I have found that even my 'good enough' is quite awesome to others, even though me myself thinks, eh, whatever, it's okay....
I am now pondering how much more amazing I will think of things if I consistently vamped out awesomeness at everything. And instead of 'good enough' it was AMAZING! Even if it was only amazing to me, at least I could then break those limitations that might be there and press forward to some unknown universe...because I certainly can't continue on going anywhere when I am just cruising along sitting beside 'eh, whatever'.
OMG, INCREDIBLE will probably be better having as a co-pilot...and much better at running those road blocks than the other guy...maybe OMG, INCREDIBLE can fly....maybe OMG, INCREDIBLE is a spaceship....there's only one way to find out how incredible, OMG INCREDIBLE really is, and that is by dumping 'good enough' and 'eh, whatever' on the curbside and picking up OMG, INCREDIBLE and riding with him for awhile...

So what does that mean, you say?
That means......well, I'm still working out exactly what that means, but it means complete awesomeness. Not only in my work, or in my other work, or in my other work, or in my other work....but in all. Of course, I will allow for baby steps at first so I can not get distracted by the handsome 'good enough' who wears those 'quick money' badges, or by the mysterious 'eh, whatever' who likes to annoy me with his singing and I'll do anything to be done with him...

Oh, and my book....my awesome book which contains my most beloved imaginary people. OMG, INCREDIBLE has promised to give me a few hours every other day to hang out with them...OMG, I love OMG, INCREDIBLE already!

So, it's bedtime.....and since I ditched 'eh, whatever' that means OMG, INCREDIBLE is going to let me get to bed earlier than usual. So ta ta my sweet munchkins in paradise. Have a latte and sing some midnight lullabies. :)

Oh, and have I told you lately how much I dislike snakes...especially those that like to hang out in my yard!! I am going to be snake paranoid for weeks! UGH! But I have to go, so I will tell you that story later!

Please don't keep them hidden away...

2011-08-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Words of kindness, that our poor hearts crave....

I want to free your heart, I want to see your heart, please don't keep your heart hidden away.

Yesterday I shoved my own thoughts out the door....then proceeded to set them on fire and stomp their ashes into the scorched ground. No, not my cool anti-religious spiritual loving happy thoughts that will one day get me burned at the stake, but the other ones that your mind creates to keep you under it's thumb.
The ones that say..."you had better get school for the kids done." "You have to finish this sewing work today!" Get that laundry done too!" "Omg, the world will end if you fall out of schedule!!!"
Yes, those thoughts. I ended their life yesterday. Because I am not accountable to them. My kids will not become dense if we play hooky...I did all the time, I came out perfect. My sewing will get done, whenever the hell it gets done. I'm the only one in a rush. And the laundry?? Seriously? We have clean clothes to wear if we must wear clothes. Just because we are attached to the dirty ones doesn't make them any better then the ones packed in the back of your drawers. Except for comfort and coolness of course. Anyway, if I let it slack long enough, hubby will do it...or he'll make the kids do it. They will survive!

So since I have my day free of a bunch of self-induced shit, I will also say that I will not purposefully offend you, but I will not go out of my way to not offend you either, so take it how you will. Just know I am a sap and love you all even if you hate me. But luckily for you, I use my powers for good, because someone really awesome was responsible for my upbringing. Me love Him lots.
Of course I love my parents too, even if my dad won't even call me. Or visit when he's only an hour away when he visits my older brother who also doesn't talk to me. Yeah, I know he's a bad ass who wants to be better than everyone else, but still, he's cool, because I got his Elfquest comics from him...and he can never have them back. And I don't know my dad, except he likes playing pool and once used a gun to shoot at a rat in the house. And when he went to work us kids would look for the bunny hidden on the front covers of his huge stacks of magazines.....Steven would open them and cheat, lol. And even when I punched my sister in the nose for drawing on Charlie with permanent markers (yeah, she even flew back onto the bed behind her), I didn't get punished....it was great. :)

Well, I will say I am piss poor broke, but we have this fancy new system up and running...awesome. I survived my first roller derby game, awesome. We lost, but still, we survived. And now I am not listening to anyone, not even myself. So if you tell me to do something, good luck with that getting done. I will just do the one thing the boss man said I should do. Which I already told you in a story awhile back...

No story today I guess, I have nothing to share, how awful....hang on....

Hmmmm, I need to rant first, because it just wouldn't be right to avoid a rant on a lame-o ranting blog. I am tired of hearing about people who use excuses to not do something...it's like they fold over to the resistance thing and fail! Failures! Pure failures. I want to smack them up side the head.... to quote Ralph Waldo Emerson...."God will not have his work made manifest by cowards." .... it is true.... you have every once of every speck of power you need to do exactly what you want to do and yet you squander it away because of this or that or because you fear something.... you know something...I learned something from Lady Gaga just yesterday btw! You know how awfully bad yet good she is at just being herself, or the herself she wants to portray? Well, do you think she is afraid of offending someone? Do you think she is afraid of God? Or afraid of what he thinks?...... I think not. And the thought that many people are afraid of what God thinks of them is a major major major problem for me. I'm not saying to go do bad things, that;s bad! But I am saying that preventing yourself from just being you for fear of losing your place among the stars/kingdom/heavens/etc. is STUPID! I know what He thinks of you, and you would be surprised to know it is not what you think and the thought that what you think about what He thinks could not even compare to what He really thinks, because you do not understand what He thinks...so stop trying to place Him in a box according only to that which you think you know.... He loves you and all of what you think. But you cannot think He thinks only what you think He thinks.....got that?!
Lol.
Just like you cannot say that He is only what that Book is. Or that other Book. Nope, He is it all....you just need to find Him in it all.... not my fault you choose to close your eyes.
Oh Ma Nee Pod May Hum..... <----- not sure if I spelled it right, but that is a Buddhist chant that means " The jewel is in the lotus."
Can you figure out what that means?
But I'll tell you a secret, what you think is not wrong. What others think is not wrong. Each way it is dissected still doesn't take away from the truth, because it prevails no matter how one sees it. It's the ones who poison the lotus that cover the truths that He has always revealed to Us. Step away from them and see with eyes unclouded by hate.

Oh wait....there were 2 things the boss man said to do.....and it looks like I just took care of that second thing too. :)

Love you all my little red bandanna kites! Fly high into the winds of power! And go kick some ass!

Brighter than a lucky penny ....

2011-08-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

Every time I look at the keyboard I see U and I together....

No not me and you seriously, we all know we are furthest apart then we ever could be.
At least in this realm.

Sooooo, want an update on how awful the world is....then you are going to have to go read some other blog, because here it is all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, and everything wonderful....maybe not EVERYTHING, but we can do that thing like other people do...you know, that twist it around to make it appear to be other than what it truly is...yeah...let's do that.
People do it to others and their words all the time, or they do it to God, or to their religion, or to their kids, or spouse, or even themselves.....because we all want to make believe we live in mamsy pansy land and we are all wonderful happy creatures who are graced with love and kindness and joy all day every day. WheeeeeeEEEEeeeee!!!!

Oh shit...I woke up and find myself in the real world where I find people sleeping all the time! But they never wake up.

Weeeeeelllll, we have the first high-tech-advance-eco-machine-you-are-the-coolest-ever-and-save-you-bunches-of-money-kick-ass-heat-pump-system-with-20.5-seer in our house! It's not all the way put in yet, but it is some bad ass shit and we are the first in TN to own this new gizmo....of course, we shall see how 'great' it is come winter...I will certainly keep you updated.
Did I mention we haven't paid a cent for it.

Did I also mention that the Seq. Valley shopper newspaper that comes free in the mailbox is not as good as the one you have to pay for....because I have 4 potential kick-ass rocking new employees that will save ShadowDragon Dreams from it's certain demise...not that I would quit....but because yeah, I would quit. So now I can still keep an income without grieving over the fact that I have to do EVERYTHING!!!!
Of course, I have to pay these people up front, but we all know money just appears when you need it...kinda cool the way that works.

Saturday, yes, this Saturday...I get to go to Memphis, TN!! By Myself! How fun! I'm gonna leave early and go take pics of stuff for my fancy camera club class...we need to 'focus' (lol) on 'lines' for your pictures....FUN! then I get to go do some roller derby!
Though I'm kinda nervous as shit and scared I will get smashed to bits or devastatingly injured...lol....yeah, not really funny. but I hope I will survive and won;t mess up or fall on my tailbone again, cause that HURTS!!!
I'm sure our team will do greatish :)

Today Prince Vaughn the cat scared the crap out of one of the ch/a guys...he had crawled into the open vent and went under the house and out the other end, lol. Guy thought it was a skunk or something LOL!!!

Tomorrow I meet with another possible employee and hope to make it out to town, as we need groceries and I need fabric and sewing supplies, and order pieces, and derby stuff....UGH! I hate having to stay home and babysit the ch/a installers. But on a good note, we do get schoolwork done earlier than usual...only because I get woken up at freaking 7am...phooey.
Busy next week too, and next weekend. And I still need to get sewing orders and my next line done, and my other sewing bulk order, and and AND!!!!
It is wonderful. I get to stick it to the lazy ass people....and the people who work their tails off and still manage to get a day off get to stick it to me, since I don;t know what a day off is unless I leave town so I can be kept away from my jobS. And even Saturday I need to be at roller derby, so no breaks for me unless you count my neck, or foot, or tailbone, or a body part.

Want something offensive...assuming we are actually still going to try and keep an organized system going....screw that...Organization is for people who can't solve complex problems at the very last second. We all know that's when it matters the most anyway. Oh hell, I just said screw, and hell.... in the same sentence....does that offend you...I don;t care if it does or not. ...did you realize that I consciously changed something above only to not offend you....I am too nice.

Let me tell you a story.....I may have even wrote about it before, but I think I want to write it again...

You know what, nevermind...Get off your ass and go read this short little post and then come back here
I was thinking, that maybe people make up things (a particular one I will not say) so that they will not have to take responsibility for their own behaviors, or ideals, or thoughts, or actions, or anything else.....because they can just blame it on someone or something else.
I know full well that you can manifest anything you want by your own free will. Even if it is actually bad for you. It's the power that you feed to that desire that brings it into existence. Into reality.
If people would just start accepting everything about themselves and stop begging someone to fix their mess then they could focus on repairing things and setting things right again.....kinda like how some use meditation. To manifest that which you yourself create and give power to.... We all know people give up their rightful power and let it slip away unused. Maybe even relinquish it to their beliefs. Maybe just assume they are nothing more than servants of a vengeful God, hell I don't know what they think.
Anyway, maybe you should take that power back and use it to do some good. He doesn't give it to you to look at or play with like little toys for little toddlers still on warm milk. You are Kings. Use the power to serve your people. take it back and use it all. It will not cease flowing if you use it for love.
And for those who are afraid of offending their God, maybe you should take a look at yourself and stop offending yourself that way. You are beautiful and deserve everything He has given you...it is all a gift, not some loan, or some maybe I'll take it back present. Ugh, so hard to explain shit, but if you want to twist it around, go ahead, I love how you stain yourself... graffiti always looks better than a plain ugly wall. But unfortunately it's still just a wall....and walls fall. I do love giving you the paint though. ;) All the many colors dancing in the sunlight, splashing, spraying, twirling into magical fantasies and dreams of hope. A smile, a laugh, a giggle...until the day you can't hide the sorrow you feel within and in your corner you cry....you cry.

There is only 1 actual order given from Him who holds you. "Stand up."

Where you go is your choice, He will be there within you.
You know that song "I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders..... go listen to it. really listen..

Okay, enough blah blah, happy joyful crap. I'm going to bed.
Goodnight my brazenly awesome lumberjacks of the fallen.

On the lam.

2011-08-14T19:07:00.001-07:00

I'm suffering from not having the time I would like to write...
Of course, we all have time, but it's what we do with it that 'makes' things happen, not the 'not having it', that's just our perception...as time is an illusion afterall.

But I have been busy....busier than I can recall, except for that last minute holiday order rush.....'where you sew from waking to sleeping and the house and family have to rely on themselves until it's finished' kinda busy.
So tomorrow at really stupid early...so early it's like sleeping but not knowing where you are...early... the evaluator who will give us free money and the ch/a installers will be invading my house.
Schoolwork will still need to get done amidst the chaos. Sewing will still need to get done. Chores and and house cleaning will need to get done, so will breakfast and lunch too. And I have roller derby practice. Hoping I can keep the day remaining on schedule as much as I can and be productive enough to not feel like the day passed me by. And then do it again the rest of the week.

I have found 3 potential 'gracious lovely people who can sew and own a serger' , with 2 of whom I will be meeting with this week!!! Is that a light at the end of the tunnel? HAHAHAHA!!! Probably not, but I like to think it is at all times, makes for a more enthusiastic journey :)

So, my new motto of the week is, "No apologies." Yep, that's right. So if I offended you this week or ever, you are screwed. I'm NOT sorry. I can make you feel better by explaining things, but I am not sorry. I will not be held responsible for your take on things.
I'm also feeling a bit rude this week too. So be forewarned that if something goes awry. I will be sure to include it in on my thoughts. If you decide to take it personally, that's your problem, and you are stupid. Yes, stupid. Does that offend you? Being called names.....going to whine to your momma and pout in the corner?...GOOD! Go in your corner and stay out of my way! I've got real work to do and real people to talk to and real life to live. I can't help it if you want to hide and whine, and pout, and suffer in your own perceived detriments. You place them on yourself and carry them around like a stupid person....
Now don;t get me wrong, we all pick up a mess here in there, but it is our duty to also let it go. Not carry it and expect someone 'as in a higher power' to deliver us from it....when we ourselves picked the damn thing up. All we have to do is drop it...or better yet, bury it, so no one else can pick it up after us.

I have no idea what I am saying today either, but I wanted to share a rather awful dream I had the other night. Well, one part was awful...
There was a shelf..like a square teetering on a pole...and on this shelf was a baby..an infant and when the baby moved the shelf would teeter side to side....eventually the baby slid off and down...though I couldn't see down to where it landed...I was thinking oh how awful that the baby would hit the floor or something!! I hated this dream!! So anyway, in my dream the picture floated down the pole to the next shelf below where 3 more babies were on that shelf...it teetered and another slid off and I was aghast!! No one was doing anything and it was like I was watching a movie and wasn't really there....So the picture floated down again to another shelf that was empty and down further to another shelf where a baby teetered on that one...it stayed there for awhile until finally it too slid off, though this time the 'camera' followed it downward to where I thought there would be a floor, but there wasn't...it was black water...the baby slid into it as had all the ones before....it was awful...!!!
It was like people were placing their babies on the shelves and leaving them there even though it was highly likely they would slide off and drown in the water below!
I thought later that maybe, as an attempt to not be accused of murder they just left the babies there and the shelf would be to blame...or the babies themselves for moving around..it was sick. I wonder if abortion works the same way... sick bastards.
I also had a thought about how certain 'churchs' work too. In that if you get pregnant before marriage you are considered in default...and they kick you out, and they turn against you...because you weren't good enough......and maybe that church family is all these people had....and how awful it would be for them to lose that family...and to what lengths would they go to keep it..... possibly having a secret abortion just so they could retain their status in their church family...and that is just perverted and backwards, but I wonder if it could be true that the church no matter how against they are of a certain practice...that they themselves being so judgmental and inconsiderate that they actually support that which they claim to despise....not intentionally, but by controlling it's citizens in fear. Using loss and fear and condemnation as a means to retain that happy feeling gushy love huggy feeling that so many think they are actually a part of...when in actuality those members go home and spread rumors and drama and contempt for one another....
Maybe it's just me, but I know what 'real' is....and the biggest fake people I have ever met are located on that church pew. Not all of them dumbass, but a few. Stop twisting shit around to make it go against you or your religion. GOSH! I just know someone out there reading this are gonna go..."you're the devil...how bad of you to judge...blah blah blah.."
And you know what...I'm not saying they are bad people. I'm not saying those select few are not children of God. I am saying that people get blinded sometimes though. I am saying that as a good person at all, then it should be your duty to show compassion and love and help them 'see'....if you still want to twist it around even more distorted so that it helps you make up negative accusations and ideals, then go right ahead...I choose not to do that to myself. I love you anyway....but I am not sorry ;) and remember 'offend' is the word of the month!

Okay, so I wrote nothing at all of importance and nothing at all of education, but I'll get there later this week if I survive that long and the inspiration hits. Love all you bodacious ludicrous envisioning vicarious exuberant felons with pink bunny ears!!! (((HUGS)))

Stories of good and bad

2011-08-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I have good news and bad news....

Bad news first, to get it out of the way. I feel like utter crap. Was fine at roller derby yesterday, but after getting home it went downhill. Not fun. I'll spare the details. But finally about 2am I fell asleep and it went away. Today I don;t feel 'bad', but I have that lingering, 'what the heck was that' thing that makes me feel like I'm not right. kwim?

Anyway, it had better go on.

I posted an ad in the paper looking for a seamstress and already had a few calls, which is great, except most don;t own a serger :/ . But hopefully they can get ahold of one so I can sell stuff and not have to do ALL the work, it really is taxing. We shall see.
The possible buyers of the place across the street are there mowing the grass. they haven't bought it yet, but maybe trying to earn kudo points or something. I hate having neighbors. So wish I could just go buy some far far away acreage and not have to worry about weirdos spying on me, lol. Not that they do, but I always suspect :)
Because really now, I spy on them. LOL!

I also have work to do and feeling a bit ick today is not going to get it done. Plus I have my camera club class tonight, which I hope to go to...too bad it is today and not Friday or something. Not feeling all nice and yay :/

Good news....hubby is back on first shift! So besides the dramatic schedule change we will need to get used to again, we might be able to actually get some things done around the house. So yay.
Good news, I feel better than yesterday, and people called about my ad.
Good news, is the bed is not far away and maybe I can go take a nap.
Good news, is we most likely will be skipping schoolwork today unless I get some sort of energy boost....of course, I like doing schoolwork, kids not so much, lol.

So....what else...hmmmm.....idk...besides I have lots of work to do and the day is more than half over...ugh.

So the word of the month was offensive, but I can't think of anything offensive just yet...*sigh. Maybe later or tomorrow, or later this week.
Do you find it offensive that I can't keep up with posting offensive things, or lack the ability to find something offensive? ...what I mean by that is... that I find it rather difficult to find something that offends me...one because I am really nonjudgemental unless you're a complete moron, two because things that you may find offensive do not affect me, three because unless I can teach you something about it what is the point in sharing it....

Let me tell you a story instead, maybe I'll get better at it if I practice more.

Once there was this dark dreary night. A child shivered in the cold, alone, unheard, and unseen. He cried out for help, saddened by things he did, although they themselves were not actually bad. Just what others thought about them.
He spoke to God that night and the Lord. He cried as he asked what he did wrong, he sobbed harshly and asked not to be lost, to be saved again, to be unforgotten, and to not be turned away.
The Lord knelt down to him and wiped his tears away.
"Do not fear child, as you will not stand amongst the judged. For I will call you up to Me, and you will be standing beside Me on that day."

His words cut deep like a sword, and a calmness surrounded the child. Never lost, never forgotten, never turned away, always belonging, always loved, always family.

Let these things fall away from you. All your failures, all your doubts, fears, worries.... even those things which you pick up, like opinions, others opinions. Do not carry them forward into tomorrow. Leave them here to rot. For He will accept you as you truly are...if only you truly knew yourself, you would realize what a beautiful person you are....but it gets hidden under these things...and you bury yourself, and you hide in your caves and ask the rocks to fall upon you, because you disgust yourself. When in fact it is those things you carry that harm you, and hide you from His face.

For some education too...and to cleanse yourself from these things...try handing them to Him and watch them be taken away....try aligning your chakras, it's a serious remedy. Yes, it is eastern medicine, and if that offends you then GREAT! Suffer in your anxieties and when you are ready to find yourself and discover Him as He is and not what you hold in your hands....you can come back and accept all things as they are and not as you want them to be. Stop being selfish, in the bible they call that greed, and lust, and vanity, and pride, and envy, and gluttony, and sloth, and wrath.
Okay, so vanity isn't one of the 7 sins, but only those caught up in a book and not in their lives would notice that if I hadn't of told you. Still fits in there though.
Oh, and release every single idea and belief you now hold. Yes, every one, even those you fear to let go...and you know which one I mean. Let it go....
Let me tell you another story ;)

Once there was a girl who walked into the spiritual realm. In a special place there was a room where the Lord sat admist His garden. This room was surrounded by a massive glass wall....in front of this wall were many people standing in awe at what they had found....they stood there on the outside of the glass looking in thinking they had truly found God. They were amazed at the beautiful garden, they stood in awe watching Him tend to the garden and going about His duties.
Now on the outside beside the glass wall their was a corridor. It was a dark cave path, no one gave it any mind, but just stopped and stared through the glass. The girl watched the hordes of people straining to get a look through the glass and looked over the the dark path. She walked over to it and noticed that at the other end of it was a door. She walked in and up to the door. On the door there was a sign that read "Only those who do not fear losing sight of Me, may enter."
She opened the door and walked in. It gently closed behind her. She found herself in the garden where the Lord was. The room was not a room and no glass wall could be seen, it was another world, another life, neverending..
"Not many would walk through the dark to come to Me." He said.
"But you are always with us, why do they wait outside?" She asked.
"They choose to know me only as what they see and only what they can understand."
"Will they ever find a way in?" she asked.
"They must not rely on their own understanding, but let it all go without fear, then they will know not just what I am, but who I am, and shall be with Me in this garden."

I like that one... :) hope you do too :) and I hope you are open to knowing the lesson within it...
Have fun my cute little tadpoles!

Scars are souveneirs you never lose.

2011-08-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

I saw the dreams you never thought you'd lose....tossed along the way..

Things are beautiful. No matter how hard they are to see that way....
Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time there was a young girl in her late twenties. She had a job and a family. She was happy....in all except for her weight. She wasn't too large, not really even considered fat, but she had more on her than she was comfortable with. She felt fat and her clothes never fit right, and she would go out of her way to wear items that would hide the too much rolling skin areas. She was happy, all except for that excess...that little bit of excess.
So each night she would talk to God in her prayers, asking for a way to get healthy, to get thinner, to feel better about herself....and each day went by unfulfilled.
Continuing on in her nightly routine, she just decided to spill it and demanded that something be done. That this thought of herself was dissolving her self confidence. She wanted action!
Not too long after she was struck with an illness. One that didn't have answers. She lost weight, quickly and painfully. She was scared for her life. No one knew what was wrong with her. Food made her sick, not eating made her sick. She suffered.
Each night she would talk to God in her prayers, asking for a way to get healthy, to be cured, for answers to this suffering....she cried...each night.
Each day went by unfulfilled.
Then after many many months...a year or so...something happened inside herself....she sat down and told God that she accepted everything. She accepted her suffering, her sickness, her pain. She accepted not knowing any answers. She accepted what was hers to bear....and she thanked Him. She said she would carry this as long as He needed her to.
Soon after, things changed....more things became clearer and a few answers appeared. Not long later new info was available....she had answers....she became whole once again. Perhaps not the best like before, but now she carried something even better....trust, respect, and a love for herself the way she is, no matter what...a deeper rooted love for God, a new found compassion, and a softer voice, a more humbled heart...and a wholesome life... He gave her all she needed in the beginning, but to show her what she had, she had to have new eyes...

These are gifts only One certain person can give. Accept all things, as they are perfect, you just have to be able to see that perfection in them.....

Like that one? I hope so...

I feel sad....today I am a failure... maybe not really in the whole spectrum of things, but one bad thing can cover all the good things...and that one thing is pitiful. Today I hate myself....at least right now anyway.
I have taken the first step in fixing things....the issue is that there is a few more miles to go till it may become a distant memory. I suck.
Today wasn't even bad, as I won a great deal on my dd's birthday present... (okay so it's a present for everyone, but still) and I ....can't even remember what I did the rest of the day, ugh. I sewed all I could because I'm out of elastic. Though I could sew up some fairies...hmmm.
But nope, I want to write, so here I am....and I may even work on my book too.....as spending time with my characters is a great way to feel happy again....

Maybe I can talk the kids into doing something...it's trying to figure out what that something is...
I don;t like tv, even though it can effectively take you away from your problems...however, I find it more appealing to face them straight on...

You know what....I have another story similar to that first one, but I'm not sure what it actually taught besides proof of God. I will share it later though....as I am a chicken when it comes to sharing things like that...because it still shakes you on the inside each and every time you try to speak the words that have to do with a spiritual experience. And you end up getting freaked out again.... I am weird, lol. I can't even go back and read things on my deviant art journal without freaking myself out....although I am the only one who's been there...and when I can't remember writing it, or worse yet, when what I wrote coincides with something that happened just after...it's really freaky....
Now I used to be what others would call psychic back in my teenage years, but I can't do all that stuff nowadays, I guess it really does fade away....besides having strange experiences later on..... but I totally assume everyone else has them too, they just don't notice things like I do...whatever, let's get off the subject. Or the thumpers will come after me and start spreading more rumors about things they don;t understand....bite me. I only have one cauldron...and I haven't touched my tarot cards in years, lol... no really, I don't have a cauldron, I don;t think I even own a black pot..or black candle...and I don't sit to the north either, and I don;t pray on my knees, or clasp my hands together...or shake some beads around and chant some rosary, or bow to anything, or say grace before dinner... (okay, actually we do say grace...but it's literately "Grace" unless it's Thanksgiving or Christmas) yes, I'm shameful....but I give thanks to Him all day everyday...and when I forget it's okay. I'm not required to do anything, not sure why others think they are? I'm not special, why do I get to enjoy this bliss alone?? :(

Let me rephrase that...I am not 'required' to do anything, but that doesn't mean I don;t 'want' to do something....I have got to go before we get into some deep shit that people will distort and twist until they can make it go against themselves...whether it's to make me look bad, or whether they just need the thought that they are getting prosecuted, idk, I don;t care. I kinda like watching their kingdoms shake and crumble....because if they will allow it, He will build it better than they ever could.

I guess we should offend someone to test their foundations...let's make that the word of the month!!! Last month it was "Educate", this month it will be "Offend"...because Our goal is to make sure your faith can stand...

I have a picture I saw today...at first I laughed because it was funny, not based on the pic itself, but because of the posts I was reading and it kinda matched rally well....then after rally rereading it, I thought it was awful...Kinda sad too...I knew it would be something that would definitely offend certain people...it didn't offend me personally, but I want you to see it and tell me what you think, or if you won;t share your thoughts, then think about how it makes you feel and why it does that, and then reread it and see it from a different perspective on how it could be seen as non-offensive......
ready?

Now is it bad, that I still laugh when I read it?? Does that make me mean or bad?? No, I just have a sense of humor even though I admire those that experience life through different perspectives and challenges. I'm not offended, because no matter how I may appear, I know I still love and do not hold any negative reactions to things.... There is a quote I rad before that would fit perfectly with our offending class...but I have to look it up and I have no idea where in that book it is.....the book is called "Gardening at the Dragon's Gate" I will find the quote for you though and we can talk about it tomorrow... :)

Love all you wonderful muchrooms, shade and sweet water!

"Sucker" tastes like a lollipop to me.....

2011-08-04T16:14:00.001-07:00

$12,244.....or something close to that.

That's the estimated cost of a top of the line, 20.5 SEER kick-ass heat pump split system. Labor and all.
That's about what I expected, and truthfully it's actually way less than the price I had in the back of my mind (with me thinking it'll be something stupid like 18k)...So, looks like we will be money hunting tomorrow. That's always fun... and if it was like when we bought hubby's truck, we will go in and leave without paying a cent. Because yeah, our credit is that good. But let me tell you, it's not always easy keeping it that way.
Pay on time, every time, and always more than they ask for, even if it's only a few bucks. I round it up to the nearest 25 usually, unless it is a 'flat broke' month, then the payment gets rounded up to the nearest 10, or at the least the nearest 5....unless it's a medical bill, they get to wait it out till I get more money.

What's in the news today....
I did the stupid thing of thinking about my new idea again. The one with the little shop... I had better stop that! Somehow it keeps worming it's way back into my thoughts of how cool it would be to create..... but I think it has to do more with the fact I can go yard sale hunting for cool looking things to reinvent and resell. (thank that lovely long yard sale I passed by today for giving me the idea)
I need to contact my potential models today too....as I will no longer be making custom outfits and therefore will not need their services. Customs, as in remakes of something I've already done.....though I do like making new things, so those types of customs are just fine. Or I can offer remakes for a stupid price that is unfair and pretty much a rip off, but if someone buys it I won;t feel so bad for having to remake it.....I'll just keeping humming to myself "sucker" while I'm sewing it up. :)

Yes, I can be ruthless sometimes.
But I need to be since we are about to take on a large sum loan. So screw you if you have problems with ruthlessness. I need to pay bills. Because I have plans, and dreams, and adventures in the making that I will not set aside for the sake of being nice or being fair. I'm the boss, I make the rules up as I go. If you were the boss, you'd understand.

But I am actually a nice person, and if you ask, i might give you a deal, because I am also a sucker... I like making people happy, I like sharing what I do with others, I like making kids smile, I like doing whatever I can to ease the burden. I may write rude things, but that's my fingers talking. I'm a rather easy going person and sometimes a push-over. Lol. Like I said, just ask if you need something. :)

Okay, enough sappy shit. Saturday I'm going shopping for tax free crap, some of which we need, some we most likely don't, and I'm going to stay away from Hobby Lobby...as I just bought fabrics yesterday I need and want, and saved some in my favorites list to possibly get later....eeeesh.... and I'm trying to win something for Skylar's birthday, but these crazy ebay people are outbidding me ! UGH! I lost twice already and one I was there at the end using that 1-click bid shit and still lost!!! I got up at 7am for that crap! (yes, I went back to sleep, but still, I did get up.)
Now, I'm waiting on a listing I sent in an offer for, so I'm hoping they will accept it, I'm tired of waiting for listing to end. In the meantime it is driving me CRAZY!!!! The lot has more items than we need or want, so I am planning to resell what we are not keeping to make some of the cost back. They just are taking too long to let me know!!!! It's been like over 3 hours!!! LOL!!!

I still need to get pics ordered, get some books I've been wanting on amazon ordered (free btw, thanks to swagbucks!!)
bills...how'd that get on my to do list?
and I need to sew!!! I would like to get 2 more skirt bundles made up, but you see where I'm at...and I need to go cook dinner first.
and I have like 10 or so premade items I need to list to get them out of here! I hate hanging on to things.
and I WANT to work on my book, but I haven't even touched it for like 3 months...I am so mad at myself. Considering I place that story on 'my top 5 most important things in my life'...ugh, I SUCK! I do work on it in my head every single night before I fall asleep, but that doesn't get it done and out of my head. *sigh.... I know I should take my own advice and just DO IT!!! lol...

I need to go cook dinner, I am hungry and I'm sure the kids are getting there, though they haven't complained except for asking about 10 times "What's for dinner?"
Gotta go, love you munchkins...have a blessed day and evening, and a most wonderous night filled with star dancing and laughing buffalos in the clouds. :)

bunch o'nuttin

2011-08-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

Oh my...where should we start today!

The house got cleaned today....I'm not quite sure how, but it did get there...not super cleaned, and I didn't mop n' glo the floor, but clean enough...more so than usual anyway.

The CH/A Heat pump guy came by today too. Supposed to call tomorrow with the $$$estimate$$$ ...yeah, we'll see where to go after that. But hoping it is not too far out of our midget budget....I'm okay with a total less than what we owe on the truck, and a payment less than the visa bill. We shall see, but truthfully we have no choice, unless we want to freeze in the winter....so not going to happen.....because I can gladly move to Hawaii before winter. I'll still have my job, because it comes with me :)

But oh my oh my!!! Speaking about my job!
I had a thought today.
Yes, we all know that a thought is the beginning of a magical journey!!! and it would be sooooooo FUN!
I could incorporate all my talents into one magical place. It would be awesome.....I could sell stuff, and provide services, and give customers a thousand options...it in fact would be a magical place.....to build a brick and mortar shop....
But I hate rules and laws and taxes. I hate paperwork. And my town is too small to help pay the bills that I would obtain from having this 'place'. The city next door may be big enough, but I have like 2 customers in Chattanooga. I don;t think people there even know that the stuff I create exists....
I bet I could open a place in Hawaii....or somewhere fun. But I don;t want to live in or near the city....ugh....shit, I talked myself out of it...nevermind.

How about this...I close down shop...see I'm not even bummed about that at all, lol. But this still doesn't help with the fact that I have a major fabric addiction.....and in fact, I bought some today. ;) it's pretty :)

...and...I am fixing to do something drastic with my biz. I just can't go another day 'thinking' about it and not doing it.....because my new motto is 'just do it' kinda like Nike...even though I don;t own any nike's...I own skechers.
So, if things have disappeared from my facebook page or etsy shop, that is why. Because if something 'NEEDS' done it will get done NOW!

Well, I stopped in the middle of writing to get 'that' done, lol....I am SERIOUS!!!

So, what do you want to talk about today?

yep, perfectly imperfect.....

2011-08-01T23:47:00.001-07:00

Do you know how it is when it starts getting dark at night, but the stars have yet to reveal themselves? You know they are there, but they just aren't brilliantly radiating yet. Your eyes haven't adjusted, the skies haven't turned black. The light from them hasn't reached your eyes....
That is how it is right now.
But I'm not talking about outside....(as it's 3 am, I'm pretty sure it's really dark out there), I'm talking about on the inside of yourself.....
How you have something that is emerging, but just can't quite share it yet....mainly because you don;t know what it is yet, but you feel it coming. How you can't explain it, but soon enough it will pour out like a rushing river. Shine forth like a blazing star....
That is how it is right now...... humbly waiting in the dark....waiting for that something that will soon explode....it hurts. If I knew what it was I could elaborate, or even if I had a hint....but I do not. But it will come in its time. Always on time.

I found something today, but I am too much of a wuss to share it. Yes, I suck. But it was a good thing...and I am positive you will discover what it was that I found within the next 3 or so blog posts...assuming you can see it. I will not tell you though.

Anyway....hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow. I will be sewing and taking pictures, and driving down the mountain, and maybe we can get some schoolwork done tomorrow.

Today was great....but I feel kinda eh...but maybe that's because it is way way late, and I didn't get what I needed to done. I need to go, see you wonderful squirrels later.

Oh, look, I did a rant for you ninnies

2011-07-31T22:13:00.000-07:00

Seriously??!!

So the government has issues. They are all stupid!
I can't believe how many programs they fund! Many of them are so idiotic anyway, and so simple that the communities themselves could upkeep them on their own. OMG!
Say...for instance...head start programs...really?? I don;t agree that kids should be thrown into institutions that early, but are you telling me someone can't just start their own personal business to provide this type of service to those who use it? Why involve the gov.?
Elderly care....that should be every communities responsibility to provide for their elders. Plain out and simple. Are there not enough volunteers to help do a helping part...ugh.
Parks and recreational places... what...so I understand tax dollars on the cost of the property, but are you saying the community surrounding these areas can't simply find 50 volunteers or so to help upkeep these areas on their own?
WTF people.....lazy bastards, get off your ass and get to work. Can you not spare a weekend a month to give of yourself.....

Now not dogging the losers who don;t do crap, but for those who are willing and don;t know what to do.....why isn't there a section in the local paper (or a website!) that lists things that need done around the community? that way it can get help, people will know what needs done, people will step up if they knew they could provide something to the cause....
For instance, why the hell do they hire a worker to mow the local park??? What for??? It's a waste of money. Can you not find 20 people to mow the grass for free...I bet you could, but you don;t try, you just complain and bitch about not having money when you don;t realize you are wasting it.
So 20 people, 1 person mows it a week during the growing seasons...does some litter clean up. A few take turns stopping by to make sure things are taken care of....it's not so hard when people work together....
Hell, I'll even mow the grass once or twice to prove it....and don;t have to pay me. But i can't be the only one....and I need to borrow someone's lawn mower and weed eater...it can be done....it's the lazy sloths that keep people in debt, not only with money but with productivity...

Stop being sissy little ninnies that want your damn little bottles full of corn syrup and candy and get off your damn hands, knees, or whatever you find yourself resting on and stand up on your own feet and work or walk and DO!

Want to know what needs done.....so do I. But no one will tell us, because they spend money on all this shit we don't need to be paying for and won't tell us.
I can tell you what I need though. PLEASE feel free to list what you need too, otherwise no one will know and nothing will be done about it. So I will tell you what I need that I have trouble doing all by myself...
I need someone to sew some things in their spare time. they will have to have a serger and a sewing machine. I will pay for this service if you can do it well. If not, I will teach you and when you get better I will pay you, but I can't pay you until it's good enough to sell.
I need my yard mowed and weed eated. I do not have a mower or weed eater though, but it needs done. I can give you something, small amount of money, some cookies, sweet tea maybe... Free photography session (though I am learning still)
I need doors built for our shed. We have the materials and tools. Just need it done. Need a ramp for it too.
The government doesn't give me money for this shit like it apparently gives the state, so I am screwed unless we do it ourselves which we most likely will have to because no one helps each other...because this world is dying.... I'm not talking about the earth, I'm talking about our souls.
Are you still alive? Do you sit on your knees or stand and walk?
If you need something (besides money, because I am poor) let me know and I will see if I can provide it, however I am just one person, and there's only a very few people I know who are standing, even fewer who are walking. But if we can find more great warriors then we will have something.....and we will make a change....and show then how it's done....So post here if you need something, or email me at landofjas@yahoo.com .

And....I can give counseling though you may not like what I have to say, lol....it is free. You can bitch about how I write or how bad you don;t like my curse words I put in my ranting blog, I don;t care, I will listen. You can say how awful I am and how I don;t understand what's really going on it the world, I don;t care, but I will listen. You can state all the bad things you think about me and I will listen, i don;t care. I don;t care because I know who I am....and I never think anything bad about you....unless you actually DO bad things....but they have to be really bad things ;)

I can tell you what I think, but I don;t know everything, and you know that, but I have a sideways upside down, tilted perspective of things.....and similar to those hidden picture pictures...sometimes you can find the objects much faster if you distort the picture. I may can help you find your answers or at least make you feel better cause my ideas were stupider than yours :).... I don;t mind.

Okay, gotta go now, it's 2 am here. I guess I should sleep, tomorrow we have schoolwork, cleaning house, sewing orders, my launch! and roller derby....so if I come write again, it's all your fault.
Love you (((HUGS)))!!!

Vicarious Visage of Vexing Voices

2011-07-31T19:03:00.000-07:00

My computer is being slow today :P that sucks.
But anyway, I wanted to invite you all to stop by my biz fan page on facebook and give you a heads up that we are launching our new fall line "Under the Moon' tomorrow (Monday!) Be sure to stop by and grab some deals....GO HERE!!!! (or what I like to call steals, because you so know I don;t charge what it's worth, I charge less because you love it and I want you to love it more because it's cheaper than most stores and looks cuter anyway)

Go buy me out please.

Tomorrow I have roller derby, yay, but I hope I'm able to do it, as I am still recuperating from my butt hurt from last week.
I do not have much to write about today, but am fixing to go watch a movie (not sure which one yet...) whatever netflix sent....
Oh, but I did watch V for Vendetta again (parts of it anyway) earlier today....that is a good movie....still. You should go watch it. Equilibrium is pretty cool too, so if you haven't seen that one, that is the one you need to watch for your education this week.

I have skirts to sew up and I'm not sure I will be able to linger around and play on the computer as often as I have been..... Last time I had about 50 skirts to sew up, this time I have more and am afraid to count...but they need done by the 9th....yay. So I'll be busy.
Not to mention I have to make whatever customs I sell in my line that will be listed tomorrow...hmmm....
We shall find a way.

Have fun guys, no rant today except for the lack of money which sucks shit. I could easily demand money to appear, but the equivalent exchange theory usually is not worth it, so I will take the accept things as they are theory and deal with it for tonight only.
Seez youz laterez.

... and I keep bleeding...keep bleeding love.

2011-07-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

....but I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you.
They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth.
My hearts crippled by the vein that I keep on closing.
You cut me open and I.....

So what is up with this week....besides it being an utter mess!!
Friday I pulled a muscle...saving a momma spider and her eggs (or more like moving it from inside to outside) That was no fun.
Monday I fell on my arse playing some roller derby. I am still recuperating from that thank you. But I can move now.
I worked everyday this week like there was no tomorrow, because there wasn't. So damn tired. Luckily I have that order completed......but knowing there is another huge box of orders sitting right over there laughing at me.
My own design line launches Monday.....I still have a few tops to finish (which I will totally get to on Sunday night)
I have a photoshoot I need to go on to get my 3 photos for the camera club I joined. Hoping tomorrow I will get to do that

On a good note, we managed to get all the school work done this week. Fascinating! Considering how unorganized this week has went. TGIF! Tomorrow is a fun field trip day :) and we will be using up those train tickets I won!! Whoo hoo!!

So, since I've been working I haven't had time to educate you...but I will make up the lost time with one of my lovely stories....

Once upon a time there were a group of students visiting their teacher. The teacher offered them something to drink and had them go over to a table that was set up with cups and mugs and glasses of every shape and size, each one was different from the others. They each grabbed one to their liking.
The teacher poured them their favorite beverage into the cup they chose.
He said "Each cup represents yourselves. And the liquid represents the spirit of God. Even though each cup is different in shape, the liquid will form to that vessel in order for you to know it. What one sees in one way will be different from the others, just like the liquid will form differently in each cup. This is the wisdom of truth."
One of his students asked "But what if the cup is empty?"
The teacher replied "Even though cups may be empty, because they refuse to have God enter them, does not make them so. There are those who cover their cups and let them remain empty, but alas, their efforts will fail, for when God wills he can place that cup in the heat, and water will form within the void. There is no escaping it."
"But" he added, "no matter the shape or form or fullness of your vessel, or whether there is something in it, what is important is that God made that cup."

Well, that wasn't so bad....kinda lame, but not bad.

Let's see...maybe I can find you something cool to look up if you are feeling insightful and open-minded....(ugh, this would be so much easier if I had the links on my old hard drive! I had bunches of cool stuff)
Okay, try this one, this is the Tao Te Ching CLICK HERE if you are unfamiliar or a wuss, the Tao is ancient Eastern scriptures, some of it is cool, some of it kinda sucks, but reading through the sucky parts, makes the totally awesome parts worth the read.

How about this one too....
The Holy Book of Destiny... though I cannot find a good link to it, besides this one HERE a pdf download, it is free.... I have not read it all, but I like this verse...
"And when they seek
to oppress you

And when they try
to destroy you,

Rise and Rise again
and again

Like The Phoenix
from the ashes

Until the Lambs
have become Lions

and the Rule of Darkness
is no more "

Maitreya The Friend of All Souls

The Holy Book of Destiny

and a rant for the day, because I am sure you miss it and are in withdrawal....
I can do everything...yes, I can do it all and can undeniably prove to you that I am awesome.....BUT, deep inside, I am screaming, I can't do it all!!!
Seriously. It is possible to accomplish it all, all by myself, but it hurts. It hurts that sometimes it is only me that can do it. I hate it. I don;t want to do it all. I shouldn't have to do it all. There are more than enough people in the world to support each other in a great and fulfilling way. Unfortunately I only know a few who are willing to do such. And even more unfortunate is that I really could use some more help and there is no one around. I could slave drive the kids, but I'm too nice for that. They do their chores and school and clean up after themselves, really isn't that totally cool enough. They even help when I ask them to (because if they don;t I will tell them to, lol.) But overall I let them be kids and anyway they aren't quite old/tall/strong enough to do some things I need done. And hubby does what's only mandatory, because he works a real job (not that I don't also have a real job too!) He's harder to persuade to get to work than the kids, but 'eventually' he may think about possibly maybe getting partially closer to kinda being doneish. Whatever...it's a 'I won;t do it all' thing with me starting a few hours ago. I can, I don't want to, some things I do want to, but right now I won't. So any previous arrangements I made are null and void, because I am the boss. And well, we can blame it on the boss and get over it or learn to deal with it.
All hell will break loose next week.....and I will certainly keep refreshing my ranting blog with more crap I am frustrated about and some more education for you curious readers.... lol, I put 'curious readers' ...lol..... you have no idea how nice I am being. But then again, I think it's cute and now I am deliberately making you rethink your thoughts..... now tell me, does adding that extra insight make you think bad thoughts? Why does everyone assume the worst in people, when maybe we are just screwing with your mind only to make you realize at the end of your days it is your own judgements that have kept you in your box.
Okay, well, you probably do not understand what I just wrote, but I will leave it for the ones who will get a hint of enlightenment from it.....Do you like it when I say 'enlightenment' like its some Zen or Buddhist phrase? It's not (well, maybe it is), so please go educate yourself further, try google.com, they have a really great search engine. If you use swagbucks, search google, then on google search to your hearts content....assuming it will ever be content.

Did you know that if you actually take the time to research into other 'isms, they are not so far apart as you perceive. I find it sad that many consider every other one bad. I have truly found that it is not the basic theologies that make it bad, it is what people turn them into. What's bad is the weapons that guard each one of their cages, not only to keep others out, but to keep themselves in.

Reminds me of Yin Yang..push and pull, twee and la. too bad many are one or the other but not part of both... accept them all or deny them all.... ugh... too much other stuff in the way of what really matters.
What matters is for you to figure out.

"Whatever it is that divides the world between you." ~ JC

.... just a secondhand emotion

2011-07-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

what's love got to do with it..... who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

I do.
And of you stab it with some dull blade, then like Wolverine, it will heal. But similar to how bones tend to grow stronger and more durable with every stress crack you impose on them while young, so your heart will grow stronger and deeper with every knife that slices it open.
Maybe that's why many of our youthful days were spent in agony, sorrowful times that slowly carved chasms through the fine tissues of that part of us, so that when we were not so young anymore, we could not only bare the painful stings, but also the slaughterhouse.

But, sometimes there are those who fight against the pain and deny themselves the right to earn a scar by protecting themselves with artificial cloaking. These are those that place barriers before their hearts and never let anything in or out...until it suffocates. Life will fade and love will not flow.
On the other hand you have those that live and love fully. Their hearts are littered with scars. They give their all and in return have gotten all back whether it be good or not. But their hearts are strong and they will survive. They are willing to live and love again and again.

Let us bare our hearts. Put them on the front line. Show those who fear, that pain is beauty and power. Agony is life. Death is nothing but a dream.

So no one will see, no one will know, no one will care. Does it really matter though? If you don't show love for them , do it for yourself. Do it for that greater power that calls you. Do it for love itself. Do it to spite the resistance that tries unceasingly to stop you. Do it no matter what.

"Hearts are burdened. But your heart belongs to me and nothing can trample upon it."

You know what song never fails to make me smile..... THIS ONE , LOL!!!!
Yeah, I'm a little loopy ;)

Dirty little freaks...

2011-07-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

We will never be, never be anything but LOUD...and Nitty Gritty....

Pretty bad, I wrote my title with one song, but since my itunes switch songs I'm now listening to The Beatles....with love from me to you....
I guess this is how we will direct this post then, instead of the prior. Although I think nitty gritty is fun and gets some nice dirt under you fingernails, and if you don't wash your hands you taste it and bite into one of those specks of grit and it's loud in your ears...but you know it probably contains more natural minerals then that cup of coffee you just drank.
Nitty gritty also gets under your skin. It rubs and scours away at your soul. It irritates those sensitive parts of yourself that you felt were so strong and reliable. However that grit causes harsh consequences to whatever you built your domain upon. Nitty gritty tests those foundations. It blasts away at the walls, and if it can it will leave you vulnerable, and your tower will fall......
But what does that mean?...
.It means that whatever ideas or beliefs or opinions that stood upon those foundations will crumble. If the nitty gritty hurts or bring pain, then your foundations were never meant to stand. If that nitty gritty can cause any amount of grief or strife upon your kingdom, then your kingdom needs a new King.
If for instance what I say (the sometimes nitty gritty) shakes you. Then perhaps your ideals are not as strong as they would be if they were in fact based upon the truth...because the truth will stand, the truth would not be shaken by anything nitty gritty, foreign or domestic.

BUT, I guess we need to focus on The Beatles....With Love From Me To You.
Whether you see things as such or not, most of what I write either has nothing to do with anything at all, because it's just a random rant about something that irritated me at the time. OR, what I write has something to say that's important. Either way, the idea is to get it out of my head so it won't keep me awake all night.
Writing helps me clear my head. I don;t care if it is read or not. I don;t care about anything other than it's not stuck somewhere where only I can hear it. Now some things are meant to be shared, because they have some education in them, and I like to help with the conquest of enlightenment. But some maybe perhaps aren't necessarily share friendly. But, If you want to know my good side or bad sides, or up sides, or down sides...I will give freely. Even without being asked sometimes.
So the point being that whether I am frustrated at some idiot who did something obviously disruptive to my calm, or whether I am sharing that fact that nitty gritty stuff is really good stuff if you choose to see it that way, it is all in love. Not meant to bring turmoil to your little worlds...maybe perhaps to test your foundations, but not to destroy your dreams. Distort it all you want and make up your own opinions, how you take it is a mirror image of what you think of yourself. And a wake up call to have another look at your foundation.
Is there something you will lose if you do something nitty gritty? Will He love you less? I think not.....No, I 'know' not...

Hmmm...Josh Grobin is playing on itunes now....I swear that is as close as I can possibly get to actually liking that kind of music, lol....

Anyway, let me tell you a story....
Once upon a time there was a young girl. She stood in the darkness near the edge of a great pit. The pit had dark gray stones that lined the edges. It was wide across to the other side. So deep that the bottom could not be seen. A pungent smell bellowed out of it. Sulfer maybe? Brimstone? And heat...lots of heat.
She listened as sounds from the pit echoed from below. They were terrible screams and peals of pain. So many...she thought as sorrow filled her mind.
The Lord was standing nearby and looked down. The screams became louder than before just by His gaze. He looked sad.
"Do you think I would allow any child to be placed in there?" He asked.
She didn't respond, for they both already knew the answer....He would never send the ones He loves into that place...never.

You know what would be cool.....having someone sew all this crap for me.... I have too much to do, but find myself here writing about things that no one probably understands anyway. UGH. But, I don;t do it because I find it fun or entertaining...I do it because I'm led to do it...to the point I will be in the middle of sewing or cooking or doing something and this 'thought' will just be 'put' into my head and my first thought is to go write it... I don;t know why, considering I think my poor blog here has caused more strife in this poor town than it's worth. People get their panties all in a wad over this or that and stir things up....makes me think that maybe it;s the nitty gritty working it's way into their foundations.....and they feel the tremors...I don;t know. But I do know that no matter how hard their towers may fall.... if they just let love lead them, and teach them, it will build a great kingdom for them that can never be destroyed or shaken....
God bless you all in Christ and without, He'll mess you with too oneday, all you have to do is ask.
but believe me He will mess with you HARD!...

Watch for the yellow butterfly.....It'll show you the way.

Little soldier boy, come marching home....

2011-07-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Leaves from the vine....falling so slow.

Like fragile, tiny shells, drifting in the foam.

Today is a beautiful day, just like yesterday and the day before, and they day before that, and even tomorrow. Maybe you just need to see it as such....
Let me tell you a story...
Once there were some monks who went to town and bought some seeds of those most beautiful flowers they could find. They took them back home and planted them in a garden they had prepared just for these special flowers. They made sure to provide fresh water and enough sunlight for their seeds. It was going to be the most beautiful garden in the world. Every few days a new flowers would bloom one after the other.
One day a visitor had came by and saw the garden and noticed how flowering weeds were growing amidst the planted flowers. He asked, "why haven't you removed the weeds from this garden"?
The monks responded. "because we never saw them".

Let me tell you another story....
There once was an old tree that had rotted and died. It stood in the middle of a great field. It's bark had turned white from exposure and many of it's once great limbs had been broken of from the savage winds.
"Why don't you cut that tree down?" asked the young boy to his father. "It is ugly and old, and dead."
The father took his son by the hand and walked with him out to the old rotten tree. As they approached a few birds flew from a hole in the side. A squirrel scampered out from a deep crevice at the bottom. Holes adorned the outside of it from woodpeckers.
"Look at this old tree." His father began. "Even though it's life has ended, it still provides life within itself. The birds and squirrel have a safe home. The bugs eat the dead wood for survival. Woodpeckers come to feed on those bugs. And life continues. There is beauty in life, there is beauty in death. It's accepting that truth that is hard."
The boy smiled. "So this tree is like Jesus. He lived for a great time. He gave life and even when he had to leave he still gives life. And look." the boy said pointing to the sapling growing from the ground. "Even now, He's still with us to become great once more."
"But it's not just the tree that will be great." His father added. "It's us."

yeah, I told you I suck at short stories....I'm a novel writer and only occasionally have made a few sappy children's books. But anyway, I smile. Because if you have ever read my deviantart.com journal you know that things are bound to get even better. So bear with me. It's not dark enough outside yet.

On another note....because people seem to be tempted to cause drama. If anyone decides they want to bash my friends over some nit-picking crap you are uneducated about I will slap you upside the head to knock some sense into you. Go read a book about Zen and learn something useful for once. Be happy and give of yourself. Because if you were 'educated' you would already very well know that we are all God's children. He made us kings, not slaves. We are meant to reign, but also to humbly be a servant of our people. When you give of yourself, you are giving the gifts of God.
Oh, and go watch V for Vendetta. Learn to love God and his people, not just the ones that match your opinions and follow all the rules you think you know all about.

"It is I that has made you the way you are.
Don't ever think it is wrong.
It is your path.
It is your truth.
It is what My Love has brought you.
'You' are My Glory." ~ Jesus

"Short story" by the Dodo Dots

2011-07-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

Do not read PETA'a website stuff...all those things are real....and horrible.
Reminds me of a late night show I watched on HBO about 20 someodd years ago...yes, I'm that young. It was really bad and had people killing monkey's and throwing goats off of towers, and skinning cats alive...it was awful and it scarred me for life.
Hence the reason I am an animal advocate, although I don't always have the time, money, or energy to 'save' them...at least not all of them. I try when I can.
Bad stuff and I hate clicking on those peta links, because I already know too much of what goes on...sad.

Today we will discuss judging. Yeah, you know what that is.
Let me tell you a version of how it works....
You make opinions for yourselves based on a situation or person. Then you build on those opinions and naturally find like-minded ideas and other's opinions that fit in with your own opinion. Then you build on that. Then before you know it everything is so surmounted against whatever it was that you were judging, and therefore this leads you to believe that everything you think is true...(when in reality, it's still just your own building on your own opinion)...
Many things work this way, whether it be for a style of clothes, or music, or movies, or a person, a job, etc., etc....

Now afterwards...what happens? ....Yes, you will eventually be judged by those same standards....
Now, let me tell you a story.....

Once there was this girl. She had a great life with a few close friends. But oneday she heard on the radio a song that sounded awful. She disliked everything about it, the sound, words, tone, and the awful singing...and the band was called the "Dodo Dots". So she decided that this band sucked as bad as their song and refused to listen to them anymore. Her friends also stated they too disliked their songs.
A few years pass. Oneday while she was driving she heard a new song on the radio...this song sounded different, it sounded nice so she turned it up and listened to the lyrics. The words sounded just like something that she had recently been dealing with in her life and she pulled over and cried, because the song made her 'feel' something that she had been avoiding. The song ended and she went home to look up the song so she could hear it again....and there it was on her screen... "Dodo Dots"...
"But I hate the "Dodo Dots". She said to herself.....But she listened to the song again and cried again. Then by chance she clicked on another song of theirs....it too was as perfect as the first....She bought the cd.
Her friend had come over and heard the new songs playing and asked about it. The girl told her who it was and the friend said..."Oh, I hate the "Dodo Dots". The girl felt sad that her friend still lived in the past...still hated the old things but never moved forward listening to the new....and so after feeling sorry for missing out on the bands many songs she ended up loving, she decided to never judge again, because she never wanted to miss out on another beautiful thing.

Yeah, so I'm bad at writing short stories....
Also, has it ever occurred to anyone that perhaps maybe it is yourself who ends up being the judge...you know what I mean (probably not) but I'm talking about those times when you feel that you are worthless and lost. times when you think you can do nothing right. Times when you are your own worst enemy....... call it karma...but I think we just may judge ourselves sometimes far worse than God would....And I think we may love ourselves far less than what God does.

Think about that. Maybe we just bring all of our own strife upon ourselves. Everything we do to others, to us it will be done.....though it's very hard to recognize it.

BTW, I used to hate the band "Train"....I'm sorry. I kinda like them now....it's pitiful that I feel bad about it now. So nowadays I just love everything, because all things will be made perfect...if you can't love it now, you will be hurting come that day you see God in them and had denied them....

Open your eyes, minds, hearts, whatever......

I'm feeling totally misunderstood today. So if you don;t get it, I don;t care. If you don;t like it, I don;t care. If you don;t care, I don;t care. And this button ; I don';t care that I have a habit of hitting it instead of the correct one '.... ugh.

Some education for the day..... nope...take the day off, we are....I don;t think I like the name of this blog anymore....hmmm. Maybe I can change it.

Short and stout, here is my handle, here is ..a trout?

2011-07-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

What became of this day? - let me tell you.

Actually I kinda forgot what happened before dinner, but I know we did get schoolwork done in an orderly fashion, and I learned that it is much better if I do not give the kids math at the beginning...somewhere in the middle or afterward is fine though.
Dinner was rushed, as derby practice is earlier than our usual dinner time...We had burger bites and fries and me rice. I will confirm now that I do not like beef, or pork, or any other type of meat for that matter...though I will beat you over a chicken or turkey....and I will eat bacon so long as someone else cooks it. (Like IHOP) I'll eat 5 or more strips. :)
Anyway, then it was derby practice...my skates, hurt my feet, but I did well and didn't fall, but I ended up sore and achy afterwards. Good times.

So for the enlightenment of those of you seeking some education! I have a good link I'd like to share with you.
This is the 5 gospel parallels (omg, did you hear that? there are more than just the 4 that's in the bible...why yes, there is, and there's even more than that too, but we won;t go into that, after all it's just society shaping your mind....though some of them do say not to include it (yes really, they say that!) Anyway, here's your link for the day. A good read if you have never read it before....Please take the time to read it.

I'm too tired to continue. g'nite :)

Swaying to and fro like a sea without a home.

2011-07-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!
Today was so cool.
No, I didn't win the lottery or have some amazing epiphany....oh wait, YES I DID!!!
Unfortunately, it's the latter, I didn't win the lottery, unless you count in your own mind ;)
But I did get a full tank of gas on a possible idea that I had been contemplating. (Okay, so I only thought of it a few days ago) but who cares how longs it's been swarming in my head when it is something that was 'put' there by a higher force.
Anyway, now that I have the fuel for this plan, all I need now is a way to present it....and yeah, I'm sure that that is where I'm supposed to come in and provide that, but oh I nice it would be if it was just 'put' there as well.
How nice it would be if many things were just 'put' there. But we all should know by now that it doesn't matter which way we walk, but just that we do.
That it doesn't matter if you decide to go left or right, or skip up the mountain, or slide down to the valley....just that we keep moving forward....forward. All things are possible, all things are accomplish-able, all things can end in victory...the hardest part is choosing what you want to conquer, choosing what you want to make possible. Choosing something to accomplish. Choosing what you want to be the victor of.
Because in the end, it will all be under your feet.
But you have to fight the resistance that chains you in place.
Turn away from those things that keep you in fear, that keep you hidden in your cave...in your box. Fight.

So enough with all that eloquent speech, it was sounding kinda blah blah speechish....which reminds me of a time where when you feel out of place, it's everyone else that has the problem ;)

Let me tell you a story.....

There was a time long ago in a galaxy far far away (no not really, it was about 30 minutes down the road.) Anyway, we were at church (lol, can you believe it)
So they had a guest speaker there that day who was chanting some mumbo jumbo about some stupid missionary trip he went on and people were 'saved' and yada yada.
Well, it was so hilarious that this guy sounded just like a salesman...I suppose it's no coincidence that he was taking donations and selling something or another....but, that wasn't the issue (even that in itself is a major issue considering many things if you have ever read the Bible or watched movies like "The Passion of the Christ") but we won;t go into that, as it isn't what I'm trying to get at.
So anyway, while this guys was selling the congregation his 'saving adventure' one of the first things he tells about is about how this old Witch Doctor was 'saved' that some dog brought in a book and it 'changed her life' and blah blah.
NOW, my point is that, an average 1st grader (on the spirituality scale) will believe everything this guy had to say. They will be amazed how this guy's 'work' made some "Witch Doctor" convert to Christianity. They will also unfortunately reveal how uneducated and judgmental they all can be.

Point #1 - What is a Witch Doctor?.....yeah I'm sure there are some of them that go chanting and dancing in a sweat box to 'heal' people, but really now, many many more of them are just herbologists who's work is to know plants and give to people the ones they need to help heal sickness. (I suppose no different than a real doctor)...the point it this guy simply used people's fears (aka...using words (witch doctor) that invoke difference) to sway these donators to their cause.
Point #2 - what gave anyone any reason to think this person (witch doctor) was lost to begin with?? Do you think you're all high and mighty and better than them, closer to God then them...you know nothing about them. Maybe this person was doing their work (studying plants) to actually wholeheartedly help people...but now that she got swept away by some slick businessman and his stories...all she does now is go crawl around on her knees and pray her life away.
I'm not saying this is true or not, I'm not saying she had a good life or not and whether it's better or not now...the point is that people buy into this "business agenda" and give their attention to other worldly causes, but seem to turn away from things that are right in front of their faces....it makes me sick.
Yes, help your neighbor, but good gosh, the people next door may need you, but you have your head in the clouds on some other country because someone bought your attention with their 'stories', with their "spooky words" and all you are is uneducated and gullible.
Have you ever thought, just maybe, if you are in a place in your life to where you are worried about some people in a far off land need your prayers, but yet you don't know if you're very own neighbor or friend might need you more..... You were put in the place you are for a reason.....stop ignoring it and trying to escape it, there's something important for you to do HERE! Wake up!

Okay, that was a longer story than I thought....
To start you on a journey to being educated (yes, 'educated' is the word of the month!) feel free to look into the spooky things you fear so much and learn to decide for yourself things you will accept in love or turn away from because they are not what your people pressed into your young brains while you were growing up....
God is LOVE. If you don;t like it, get over it already. We will wait for you.
~ Many great links to 'educate' yourselves before you scream and go hide in your deep dark cave HERE

OHHHHHH....I just thought of something else that I just can't understand yet.
WHY OH WHY is it that when a person that blatantly states that they are an 'atheist' asks a question and everyone else just spouts out some crap about this or that verse and actually expecting this person to take you seriously...seriously??! Can't you just speak to them like a real person?
And why oh why is it that when confronted with some sort of argument, that many many many many people will just abandon the idea and instead of finding common ground they bail?! Especially a pastor or preacher, or whatever else they call themselves nowadays?? They freakin' bail out and give up and just stop carrying on the conversation??? WHAT?? Are you kidding me? Is your God not big enough to include all in His glory? It's okay to disagree, but what...are you out of little cute limericks, forget your Bible lines? WTF??!!!
Speak from your heart damn it! If it runs dry then you yourself have a more serious problem than that person ever will.... Love all, like He has loved you. I have seen too many times where people get too offended and forsake the 'other' person....shame on you.
Okay, I guess my ranting for the day has ended, because now I'm bummed just thinking that people are so fickle... Not all, but those that condemn anything that does not fit into their little worlds they they carved out for their lives, and their God, and their hearts,,,better stop carving too deep, you'll end up making a hole right through that heart of yours.

"Hearts are burdened, but your heart is Mine and nothing shall trample upon it." ~ Jesus