you say it best....when you say nothing at all

It was frazzled and frayed out like it was cast through a whirlwind, tiny fibers sprawling every which way. Nothing calm in it's demeanor or appearance. There it lay on the side of the road in the rather littered grass. A feather, whitish gray with a darker tip. This poor frayed feather that seemed to be screaming, that seemed to be twisted from a chaotic experience.
A gift. A gift just so happening to resemble the frazzled mess I found myself in. I do love how He sends these gifts, and knew right away how grateful I was that He still remembers me, not that He forgets...but that I often do.
I picked it up and smoothed out the frayed feathery fibers. It took shape, from a tattered mess back into a rather beautiful feather. Smooth edges and able to carry the wind....able to fly. A beautiful feather full of peace once again, serene and calm. A feathered that reminded me of how we are. Sometimes challenged to the point where we find ourselves on the side of the road in a tattered mess with more questions than answers and more prone to see our frustrations rather than our blessings. But us....us who are repairable back to perfection, us who can take His hand, His gift, His love, and smooth out our own rough edges....find ourselves in that peace once again, serene and calm. Able to be carried by the wind....able to fly.

And these are the moments I get to have. We all could have if we just see. Gifts to carry us through everything. Everything.

Can't stay long as it is already late and still a dress needs finished to ship out tomorrow. But I had to make time for the story. The story of my day which really wasn't much of anything compared to one little feather. And how our lives aren't much of anything compared to Him. I'm such a sap sometimes....and I don't always make sense and I often don't designate names, and I often talk on thoughts based on numerous theologies and non theologies and science, and the future, and the present, and the stars, and the rivers, and those I call my very good friend, Mr. OMG INCREDIBLE, Batman, The Joker, Mr. Clean....and numerous others I can't recall right now. And really though, none of that really matters when you get humbled by a feather and you remember how awesome this life is. And the chaos....bless the chaos, because you'll never get to see the gifts without looking down every now and then.

Must go....will write again soon. No weird dreams unless you count a little boy who was a ghost and like to scare the crap out of me in my dream, wolverine, a lady who kept throwing up green stuff (like projectile vomiting! It was so gross)...other than that, I got nothing dreamwise. Lots and lots and lots of work to do, a few things to take care of this week, and trying to remember to work on that manifestation again...I slacked off and well...so did that stuff I was working on manifesting...ugh. And more work. Trying to hold out until my vacation in May. <--- new biz improvement right there...see I got something done! :)

Ideas in space.

oooooooohhhh.... can you not feel it. it's happening. I've yet to see the blue smoke, thank goodness...but how long will we have until it piles out into the sky.
and these dreams....how they come in like a tsunami. ... a love story, and an assassination. What lies ahead in the next night is just another clue.
Can't you feel it? ....the energy is throbbing and building up and these little things you hear about in the news are all forerunners....things that are not truly important...but used solely as a distraction of the more important truths.... sleep little sheep...sleep....off to slaughter you are walking.

I watched some videos on astrotheology the other day (still working on the rest) and I'm a bit concerned. The guy is a genius and he is correct in just about all of it from a scientific theology point of view...all except 1. You see....the idea is that the universe is writing us...writing god, writing everything.... that everything is created by the universe/sun/star/light....which he refers to as God. In part that seems legit...but I digress. I'm guessing he has never met the Lord face to face. For if he had, he would know that it is Him that writes the universe, not the other way around. Just my thoughts. Very good videos though and rather intelligently put together. The guy is a genius, he just hasn't reached the point of going beyond what the eye can see. He'll get there.
Anyway. Reading this one book about a similar subject....but even it is a little off in their explanations of certain enlightened writings....I think the author is thinking too much. Should have just rewrote the writings and let the reader figure them out themselves....as everyone's perception is going to be different. ...kinda like reading the bible, lol. Should have just left it in the original language and let people translate it themselves....because certain translations are not as kosher as they seem.
.... thinking I shouldn't share my dream....as it involves an assassination (though not who you would probably expect) but it was weird. It was one of those things that happen before things 'really' start to happen. Kinda like today's news.... just be aware people...don't believe an illusion.

Know what that astrotheology guy said that stood out to me...that if you wanted to start a war and win it...start it on the spring equinox. .... although these videos were made years ago.... it seemed coincidental that we are approaching such a time...and we are right on the doorstep of such a predicament. But I also realize I had that love story dream first....and I really don't think we are going to have to worry about it. Our knight in shining armor was there all the way through the troubles...and in the end, sealed with a kiss.

Did I tell you how much work I've got? A lot. and I'm working on a new shop too....although I find it very hard to keep myself from buying fabric for it. Fabric I love, and couldn't buy before because I can't use that kind...and now I can, but I can't buy it, because I'm not sure how well I'll make money from the new shop just yet....argh....I love fabric. But I do have some I can list to start it off and see how well it goes...and I can use the funds from it to buy fabric!!! AAAAHHH! Like a shop solely to feed my addiction!! :)
And going to make big changes in my photography business here soon (I have 1 photo session that needs done first) before I can actually proceed with a vengeance. But regardless...I really don't care if I make money with it anymore, so long as I get the pictures I want. Yay! another business doing what I want instead of what others want! Go me!

Probably sell some of my gear too, which will pay for things like costume stuff! YAY!

And my book...dying to start on book 3!!! so I can get the story done (assuming I don't do book 4 separately) and then I can start on the opposite one that I dreamt about!!! Eek!
I'm such a dork!

And I think once we get this stupid Jeep fixed that I might just sell it. ugh...dead battery again!!! then I can pay off a bill or 2 and then go buy a new vehicle afterwards. Broken cars are not cool.
Must go clean house....then do laundry, dinner...then work work work...survivor comes on tonight and maybe I'll get to watch it this week...while working of course.
later peeps.

Inside out...inside out and outside in. Mirror.....look on the other side...

And we'll never be royals... we crave a different kind of buzzzz.........

Ooooh oh oh.... but we are. Royal...at least that's the way it feels...when you remember who you are. Yes, just like in the Lion King.

"So you have found your way." aaahhh...yes, not the words, but how He says them...with the truth that He never needed to drag us towards Him. This lesson in carrying ourselves....us stubborn children who get tired of walking and just want to be carried. Please carry me...carry me...pleas of not wanting to do anything but rest.....but He doesn't wait...and we walk on anyway. This lesson in walking forward....toward..... not that we need Him to carry us....but we need Him to have somewhere to go. Somewhere better...much better....and we don't even have to leave our home.
This is truth...because I was there with Him, and I heard Him....and I was merely laying in my front yard. How easy it is to just be there....and this time...this time....the veil was gone....or perhaps I was looking through a hole in it....and again....remembrance....forgetfulness is our human curse.

A different kind of buzz.... indeed we crave something other than all others. They would never understand. They couldn't...until it is what they crave too. Who are we....our kind....who crave what only our inner eye and our inner ears can hear. All else could fall away....and we would still have something to gain in Him.


Big plans...but sometimes they fall into stagnate waters. And I fail to rescue them....but idly watch them rot. Big dreams....but the world doesn't want to play with me. Big hopes....but I'm a firm believer in things working out for themselves and providing a path for me....hope has nothing to do with it. Maybe it's faith instead...doesn't really matter what you call it.
and then there's something....


oh well...I just ordered a book some may consider not along the path of righteousness....ha. we shall see..... shouldn't be as incredulous as 'the secret' psh. Even attracting things for real is way more legit than what that book related to.
Work, more work...but I have a system that seems to be working ...ok-ish. I'm still tweeking it.
Sleep....is on my mind, so I have to go...meant to really write something today...but I got sidetracked and decided to spend 45 minutes on amazon looking up books.....which I did buy one....well..I got it for free actually.
Anyway.... must go.

......let me live that fantasy..

yada yada....need to reloate info...

So I'm borrowing this time away from the 'things I should be doing that are of more importance' in lieu of writing instead. Aren't we so blessed.
So I has this really good blog post I've been working on in my head, but by the time I come to actually write it, those thoughts have done passed and no longer mean the same thing. What a pain it is to start anew each moment, sort of like nothing really ever gets finished...only restarted over and over. We are in that tunnel looking for the light at the end, but alas.....it's not a tunnel and the light is only the moon hanging high in the dark sky. We aren't moving at all....well, around and around perhaps, but not upward.
And what is this idea that we have to move upward anyhow? We could dig a hole and go downward....wouldn't that be just as amazing as forward or backward, or even inward, outward...upside down and inside out. Let us reckon with these directions.....if we only would just remember we are already everywhere. These signs wouldn't be so confusing.

So yeah, I wrote that 3 days ago and can't remember where I was going with it...what was that about losing track again...ugh.
Let's just do a quick yearly update and then go on to something more in depth introspective or something...

So it's been about a year now. This process of deschooling and unschooling. A big jump from homeschooling, or a tiny step, I guess it depends on which aspect you are referring to.
I can confirm that it is working much more smoothly than expected. And looking back on this journey, homeschooling is for those wishing to incorporate the worlds policies into their lives. The kids may not ever be taught long division, but they do know how to find the answer. They still could locate a country on the map if they needed to, and if they felt like it they could tell you the capitol and what it looks like there....because they know how google works. The girl has started her own business in craft making...set up her own etsy store...takes her own pics, uploads and edits them too....and has learned to use the paypal account and send invoices, as well as print shipping labels. Did I mention she also makes her own tags...
She can draw rather well....especially foxes and birds, since she spent her time researching and practicing...heck she still seems to research things....now if she could get to the point where she pays for all her supplies herself, this will be considered successful. Being 12...she reads more than me, on her own...she can spell better than most of us nowadays too. She knows more about birds than any of us...and probably foxes too. She has the ability to start on projects without delay.....ah, if only we all had that kind of drive....and time of course. Patient and kind when the mood strikes...blunt...honest...a bit harsh at times... Being twelve is awesome.
The boy...the boy....the boy can build anything with legos...though I do wish they weren't so costly. The boy knows everything about Assassin's Creed...and has researched what the new game is about even though he doesn't have it yet. He's planning. The boy recently made his own costume props to match.... oh, so he is crafty...when he chooses to be...though I've come to realize he's only chooses to be when he can't negotiate with me or sister to do it for him. He's going to make a great boss or company CEO oneday. This boy thinks not only outside the box...but crushes the box and makes someone else figure out how to make it better....his way. Like not a box at all, but a sphere...with points...that shoot throwing knives and is invisible.
The boy who is turning ten in a few weeks. Who wants a dagger (yes a real one) and roller skates....and the Assassin's Creed game he doesn't have....and more Ninjago legos.
can he read, of course...assuming he can't swindle you into reading it for him. Can he do math, of course...really well actually....long division...probably not on paper, but I would bet that he can do it in his head better than you can on paper....and anyway, he knows how to use a calculator. Spelling isn't his forte...but its getting better all the time....he hates writing....but this too will come to fruition when required. Patient and Kind.....all the time...and every kitty will find a safe place within his arms, unless the kitty is bigger than him, in which case he will sit down and let the kitty use him as a bed. Negotiable, so long as he gets the upper hand. He'd rather not draw straws, but talk you into doing it for him...because this other thing he needs to do is more important. Watch what you say...because he'll remember...even 5 years later...that you told him he could have this or do that...or something that you forgot about....luckily he doesn't lie...he doesn't have to. Because he remembers more than you and he'd get it regardless of your attempts to sway him. Watch what you say....the boy can hear through walls....or floors, or ceilings....or from 500ft away.....or he can read your mind...I haven't figured out his secret just yet.

We still do fun learning things....like science experiments, field trips, craft projects, random things we call 'classes', like photography class, or art class, or swimming class. And there's taekwondo....who still use the idea that school means something.....isn't learning supposed to mean something instead?
No they don't run wild...no they are not disrespectful, yes they clean up their messes...eventually. Yes they learn, yes they are awesome. Unschooling works, if you are willing to step out of the way.

Business is better than it was last month. Still too busy though. This issue needs fixed. I foresee another year too full of work unless something changes.
Renting out property sucks. Waiting to get other house rented or sold here soon....have to go up Saturday...may find a taker...but alas...this is tinged with a hint of dread....as first and foremost it is cold up there....

What else....we have a kitten that needs a home! We haven't really been able to find a name for him...nothing is sticking..ugh. Today is it Koda. He needs someone to love him and be patient with him, since he's a tad skittish, affectionate, aggressive...at different times of the day. He does like to be held...until he hates to be held. He uses the litterbox, but doesn't understand that he needs to bury his poop. He has gas sometimes, which stinks really bad....maybe he needs a special diet or type of food. Pretty blue eyes though, soft fur, and just had another flea treatment. Ready to go except for not being neutered yet (waiting on one of the boys to drop)

Income tax will be coming soon too, which is great, cause I would love to get this blasted truck paid off.
Camera may go in the shop soon too to get a free cleaning before my warranty expires. I'm going to be sad...and it better not take too long.
Need to go grocery shopping....but I guess I would need to sell something first! Come on people, pay for your order please.
Working on the last dress of a big order today....omg, no more discounts for multiple orders....maybe that needs to be part of my business 'change'
Other things in the mix still need resolutions...and praying this is the year they get found.
Taking the coming weekend off of sewing work....besides going up to the other house, going to do other things, like plan my new garden boxes, and start Book 3!!! and play some piano. :)
Might do that photoshoot I've been planning too....assuming I still have my camera.
oh...I gave hubby my birthday list...lol.... Fish eye lens, macro lens, infrared filter, wide angle lens, and a new camera bag. !!! Yay! So long as I get the fish eye and infrared I'll be happy! :) I'm going to go hunt for UFO's! YES they do exist! might not be actual aliens, but the anti-gravity crafts exist...because I've seen them...up close and personal...not cool...not cool. But yeah, I'm gonna look for them anyway...so when there's a bunch hovering over the city, we can plan a last minute camping trip :)

let's see....I had so much to say in the last week or so, but I'm not in a introspective mood.... :/ dang it...Bruce Lee was gonna be in it. and it was about going into management........oh oh oh...and I have an idea....but I need like $50k and a building to use. sigh.

anyway...blah blah blah....goodbye goldfish fritters, talk more later maybe....or something...

little words aren't always little

do you know me? do you think you know me? just go away.
none of you really know me.
i'm all muddled in thoughts...so muddled its kinda clear.
this is what happens when rocks really are no longer rocks to rely upon, but pebbles that like to roll away and leave you without anything to rest your head on.
rocks that are rolling stones...rolling on top of you.
i can't hold you up. i'm dying under here.
and i'm not the regular everyday person. i can't speak the way everyone else speaks. i can't say the average things everyone else says. i can't look the way everyone else looks. I can't like the same things or do the same things, or represent the same things.
i catch myself when i feel i've said something someone else didn't understand, too embarrassed to repeat it.
you've made me ashamed of speaking....everything about me is wrong. thank god.
i've successfully became rejected by the world. thank god.
and i don't care about the big things and i care too much for the little things, and most of what i truly care about isn't anything you can see. i'm rather fearless and passionate, but i'm fragile and sometimes get lost. i miss people who probably don't remember me. i miss people whom i haven't even met in this life. i miss people whom i have met but don't talk to me. and even if they do it doesn't matter, i'm bad at communicating.
i'm entranced by people who i know 'knows' me, even if they never admit it. i try to look for those people i miss. but if i saw them i wouldn't say anything....because what i speak never says what i say..... seems there's a glitch from my heart to the sound waves. no one can fix it. i hope those people i miss whom i never met in this life show up sometimes before its over, or at least when it is over.
my people just didn't come with me this time. and this is what makes me feel lonely.
negative energy literately hurts, but no one believes me. they cause it anyway. medicines numb your soul, yet they take them anyway. money steals your joy, yet we want it anyway.
curse this land. i want to go home. i want us all to go home.


do you want to hear a story? of course you do, and i will be sure to avoid capitalization and correct punctuation while i tell it. ok.

Once upon a time i traveled down this long hallway....at the end of this hallway was a trap door on the floor. upon opening it, i descended downward on a spiral staircase....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...the seventh step where a door was in my midst....there were many doors on the stairway that went downward....but i can't remember what was in each of them....but inside each there was someone there to meet, whom then would give me s gift, and then introduce me to their wife.
so there was 1, which i entered into....there he was waiting. simplistic and humble. rather plain and quiet, not as gratifying as many other times. he handed me a small treasure chest. inside this chest was a large and very beautiful emerald gem, polished and gleaming in this dark room. greener than green....almost like the grass in the heavenly garden. what was this for?
he didn't say anything....so i asked to meet his wife.
there was this rushing of light and energy...this feeling...not possible to explain.. it flooded the entire room and moved in and out of us both....colors like a rainbow, waves of love and the unending joy rushing through....she was us...all together....everyone...everything. like a dance....one a part of the other.

so after this rather strange journey, come to find out that an emerald has many meanings....like faith, healing... we do need these type of gifts, do we not? .... and today.... even after my last posting of our impending dance... he brings me more gifts.... the rainbow of light and the gems in the treasure chest.... the second witness that confirms that my insane spirit trips are not unmeaningful, but rather gifts in themselves. gathering his treasures....and pouring them out upon us.
an incredible life this is. our remembering and our reunion over and over again. and it has nothing to do with us alone...but all of us together.
Intriguing, no?


i highly doubt you have any clue what i talk about....and thats ok...but keep in mind it frustrates me to know that i can't find anyone in the same chapter....i do read fast i guess, and pay the price for it quite often. this distance leads to that feeling of aloneness even if i know my people are out there (in here) somewhere. most of the time i manage quite well. and then there are days like this where i wonder if it's really me who cares or if its just human girl issues trying to steal my focus. whatever.
I also think it has to do with frequency and sound waves and energy...but i'm not a scientist and really don't have time to delve into matters such as that.
time.... i think that is a rare thing of late. i need to stay off the computer for awhile since no one talks to me anyway.... and i wasted the whole day and did not sew and did not do anything deemed as productive. I did help the girl get fur for her business and watched a sappy movie, i did watch the video about the treasure chest stuff (freaky! but i love it) i did cook dinner, i did successfully manage to hate the way i talk too....probably that was a bit counter productive... :( and now i just don't like anyone least of all myself. thank you for that dose of non-confidence.
i do however love my hubby, and my kids, and thinking of undoing something....but i'm not sure yet.
tomorrow will be better yes?


of course it will.... the ballroom is ready

Sandblasting your mind.

Sometimes....truth is found not in the adding of something new...but the peeling away of the old.
Strange how these things come to you, these tidbits that make you go 'huh'. Things you always really knew, but perhaps covered in layers of the grime that you were fed while still young. And they stick....well, perhaps we should really say that they remain, while the not so true ideals get scraped onto the ground.
But we knew all this already don't we?

And now where do we find ourselves? Maybe not you...no, there's not many people I know where I can say us...now is there? But it should be 'us'.....but you are still sleeping. They all are still sleeping....and the few I've seen are off in distant lands...although they are already part of the 'us'.
Wake up, wake up.
Waiting isn't as convenient and calm as we hoped. Step out of your slumber....out of the chaos and prison built around you. It's almost time and you will miss the ship. I don't want you to miss it, none of us do. You are one of us too, but you are still sleeping. Wake up.

So there's these 6 orders left....sewing wise that is. These 6 accumulate to 16 items. Not too bad. Only the fact that they still need done.
But see...there's this problem..... this tug o' war of necessity of completing them and the necessity of doing what 'needs' to be done....those things you already know, those truths...and aren't they more important. Oh the joys of prioritizing and scrapping the old ways and taking on new skins. Let it be so.
This is sure to be an amazing experience. Let it be so.
Oh, and the boss man. That great great awesome person I know....He and I are on the verge of a wonderful dance. And I'm rather nervous to tell you the truth.

In other worldly news besides sewing work....I'm editing photos (in a few minutes I will be anyway). I'm searching for some much needed relief in financial affairs, but we all know, everyone in the country is shopping for christmas...and they won't shop for disney stuff or boutique stuff until after then. I'm hoping to get my mini laptop induced with my writing program so I can start book 3! I'm also going to use this more available down time to work on that re-prioritizing plan. I'm sure there will be complaints at first, until those amazing things start happening of course.
I'm trying to remain aloof regarding other more pressing issues. Which is fine for now, but those of course will need to be dealt with soon. Think I'll let them just take care of themselves this time around.
Not much else to say. I've got to go redo my agenda list, then work on pics. Later chumpies of green flora power. We'll miss you... "How long will I love you? - As long as there are stars above you."

Sky diving into something better than here

hahahahaha! I love this....and hate it....this cliff jumping hobby of mine....especially that part where you seem to be watching yourself get closer and closer to the ground below. Always that 'back-of-your-mind' this is going to hurt idea when you can just about see the small pebbles of earth just below you.....and coming up so so very fast.
Many times I suppose we cringe and flee at that moment when we fear the imminent death of 'something' and never quite go through with our plans. The changing of our mind after we already have jumped and the ground isn't stopping, we are not flying, and there's no one here to catch us moments....this cursed double eyed syndrome....the idea that we made a mistake even if we never followed through with the plan in the first place...this pre-judgement so to speak.
Not this time. This is where the little green emerald starts to gleam....this is where we accept that the ground might possibly hurt. This is where we refuse to flee, even though we can't help cringing on the fall. This is where we trust that there is no ground....only more space. We are determined to crash through the walls of any box we may or may not see....even if it hurts. Let us fall. In fact, let us dive like superman and gain more momentum to find out what this cliff jumping thing is all about.
Perhaps we have a bungee cord. Perhaps we are made of rubber and bounce. Perhaps we break open the earth and that is where we need to be....there within...that place where we can slay the demons. There....because that is where He is too.

Well.....I can't write much on certain issues, as they require silence. But I will skim the top to say that doctors are absolutely whacked....at least one for sure. That certain people are very deceiving and untrustworthy and no, I will not feel sorry for them except that they just don't realize how much better it could be for them if they choose something better for themselves. That money is indeed a tool and its hard to do certain jobs without said tools. among other things....who really cares though.
More stuff to do tomorrow, so I have to go to sleep.
But if you are reading this and you're not family (or a customer, i loves you too!)....you suck. And I will tell you why when I feel like it.
how's that for grumpy....hahaha.....

That reminds me of a song I heard before, some kid song..."If you're gonna be grumpy, well, that's ok, but could you be grumpy a little further away...".... which I tell the wonderful girl twelve year old, often enough :)

you know what...I made cinnamon rolls tonight, I think I might go eat one.... (another one)