Resolution.... oh, you mean a re-solution....because the first one didn't quite work out very well...neither did the second, or third. Or do you mean, reso---lution, resounding evolution? Meaning we can't really make a difference in what is already prepared to play out before us?
I can't remember what this past year's resolution was...so therefore means nothing. And therefore, I won't be making any New Year's re-solutions for 2015, because we are on a different path, one that involves a more trusting release of solving my own problems...well 'occurrences', since I don't consider anything much of a problem.
There's nothing to solve and I'm not understanding the reasons certain occurrences seem to complicate the lives of so many around me. They ask for help, they ask for prayer, they ask and plead and beg and sob and cry and wear their struggles on their masks....dripping all over the place with their tears and devote neediness.... I'm standing in the sunshine and I don't understand them.
I don't ask for help, I don't ask for prayers, I don't plead or beg or wear my struggles (or as I see them, blessings) on my face or on my masks I've set on fire. The only thing dripping to the floor in a hot mess of molten globs are those pieces of me that aren't me.
......(bunch of stuff I wrote here but deleted)......
see what I did there...I put on another one....damn it.
I would try to make a resolution to stop replacing one with another, but I think this world has literately trapped me into it's glitched prison that I can only escape by remembering once again and again those things I already know....ugh.
Let me tell you a story.....
There's this puzzle in the breakroom at work. It's been there since I started back in November and it is still there sitting on the same table, still unfinished. Much of it is complete, but there are a few large gaping holes in it...incomplete.... and this is a reflection of my life. All the rest of the piece are in the box next to it and I already know what the picture is too. I used to work on it during my breaks, but I don't any longer. Maybe someone does. It had been different earlier (partly complete in different places), but someone or something had knocked a bunch out of whack and some pieces had been scattered on the floor. This is when I basically gave up working on it.
Well...long story short....I don't really think my life has gaping holes or any missing pieces, it's just a bit discombobulated at the moment....and maybe someone will put it together and finish it, or maybe I'll start working on it again, or maybe they'll finally just shove it all back in the box....doesn't matter. The picture already exists, the puzzle was solved before it was ever cut into 500 pieces, and my very good friend has assured me the gaping holes aren't there because he's not here.....but because you can't always see when all the trees are in the way.
Yeah, there's trees in the pic that aren't done....and people raking up all the leaves...cleaning up the things that have fallen away and waiting until spring comes.... god I love this life.
Do you know what a prayer is....it's an exchange. You are giving up and releasing what you are praying for....and in exchange you are receiving what God is praying for.
So...yeah, I'm assuming no one gives a shit about what I write here and no one takes any ounce of worth from anything I do, but that's okay. I guess I can tell you about the mundane things that occur around here..for those who just like to know my mask-y business.
sewing work starts back up today actually, but not really until tomorrow. I flip flop back and forth about whether or not I want to put forth the effort to do certain things relating to sewing work stuff. I'm so indecisive, but that's probably just for today.... totally the curse of being a Pisces. I work one more day this week at my other job, um yay! and I look forward to the next economic crash so our finances will be in much better shape...because we are the opposite of the world. And, let's see...ummmm.....I finally got that feeling the other day....the vibrational change or something...things are headed onward and upward! *claps hands like a loon.
really though, I'm just excited that it's closer to the time I get to bring home two little samurai. But you know me...it's the little things that make me happy. And I'll get to actually work on my book again tomorrow evening! Hooray! Maybe I can finish it in January...it might only have 2 or 3 chapters left.
anyway....it's like late....and I should probably save the daylight hours tomorrow to do something productive, so I'm outta here.
I just realized something....that same stupid feeling you get when you are working a crossword puzzle and the answer hits you and you realize what a dolt you are for not knowing the answer an hour ago.....about that lighthouse I wrote about.... a light house...house of light. Full of stars and of the sun....and not loaded down with burdens by the ton....Ha even that puzzle has a house in it...with lights in the windows. It really is the little things.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
The fundamentals of support and frienemies....
It's 8 past midnight and I would much rather be here to write this down than sleeping, which I should be doing...if only I agreed with the word 'should'. But alas.... 'should' gives one the representation that something controls me...that something gives precedence over what I would rather do. So I, a natural rebel who chooses the darkened paths and opts for something 'other' will have to oblige myself to just what I intend to do, not what someone or something or the universe claims I 'should' be doing...regardless of logical reasons why I 'should' agree to their conditions.
I'm not sure I mentioned my dream a while ago with Jimmy Fallon in it. It was a pretty nifty one, where we were frienemies (friend/enemies) and were having a frienemy war. I had some people on my side and we had different weapons (not harmful ones) to fight off Jimmy and his people. We would shoot those play pen balls from my roof and drive remote control trucks loaded with feather bombs out his way.....of course I never thought it was fair because Jimmy had more money than me and had huge catapult things that would throw big bundles of styrofoam at us.... not sure who won, but we had a good time.
So anyway.... last night, I have this other dream...
Starts where me and some other people were trying to get through a large double door that was closed. To get through you had to defeat one of your fears and then you could walk through it. (in this case it was the fear of the unknown to get through the door). So me and a few others walked through it, like literately passed through it.
Inside the large room were other people standing and waiting for us to approach and as we proceeded forward, some of the people would block some of the others with me (they had to face one of their fears dealing with these people).
I walked straight to the back and had to choose going to the right or left. I went to the right and there was a bakery there and two ladies behind the counter. They wanted me to eat something from their shop. I told them I couldn't because it probably had dairy in it and would make me sick. They asked what I needed and I said lactaid pills, lol. One of the ladies said she had some but they were only for her and I couldn't have any, and then said I would have to go to the left to the other option. So...being annoyed by them, I left and went back over to the left of the room.
Ok...so this is weird but it was Jimmy Fallon's desk, he had pizza and breadsticks on his desk...and as I was walking up, kinda glad to see him again since our frienemy war....he turned into breadsticks...yeah, breadsticks.
I was like..."What are you doing?" as he was trying to blend in with the other things on his desk and hide, lol. "Jimmy, what are you doing?!" I would ask getting frustrated because I wanted to say hello. Then he suddenly turned back into himself and he was standing in next to my very good friend, and next to him was Jesus. I was thinking this was some sort of intervention or something because I was like dude...what the heck is going on....?
Anyway Jimmy smiles and says... "You know....frienemies like me are only here to help you, why did you wait so long to ask me what was going on? You got all frustrated first. Friends are here to help you. Enemies are here to help you too."...
Then I looked over at my very good friend...he said. "And friends like me who aren't there....are here to help you too."
Then I look over at Jesus, who just seems thrilled I was absorbing this 'lesson', smiles and says... "and me...you know I'm here to help you already." ...he shrugs like it's obvious, but I think there was something in that smile he made while he did it.
So I woke up then....and I know the boss man knew I would remember every word and I'm still trying to decode it...
Soooo...I've got four more days of work this week and only two days next week...and kinda hoping I'm 'let go' after that...this working outside of the home is not for me...whatever people, go do your jobs for someone else...I however am done....and I know this because I dread going the night prior to working. I'm rather disappointed I haven't been able to write my book for the last few weeks either...it would probably be done by now....grrr....
Meanwhile in lala land.... I spent money I don't have on things I don't need. and I feel great!.. besides a random pain in my neck (literal here) and lack of bank account funds.... however the bills are currently paid up to date and I have this ridiculous priced jacket on my radar my husband said I could go buy 0__0 !!! He hasn't argued with me about my future samurai kitties either.... OMG! I'm gonna keep him home forever! ....and of course put him to work on random business ventures in hopes of making some monetary gains....as well as cleaning the oven. :)
So I have 2 unschoolers who are not entertained by the yearly assessment (changing the name, but I haven't had time to think!) and 1 unjobber who is okay most of the time but still in limbo land.... ugh. And me who is going to unjob myself in less than ten days....but not from sewing work...that isn't work, that's art.
and....let's see...next year is 2015.... that sounds like a good year.... waiting for the music to begin...
....you know that song.... 'You've got a friend in me"?.... Frienemy (friend in me)
You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me When the road looks rough ahead And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed You just remember what your old pal said Boy you've got a friend in me Yeah you've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me You got troubles and I got 'em too There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you We stick together, we can see it through 'Cause you've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am Bigger and stronger too Maybe But none of them Will ever love you the way I do It's me and you boy And as the years go by Our friendship will never die You're gonna see it's our destiny You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me
I'm not sure I mentioned my dream a while ago with Jimmy Fallon in it. It was a pretty nifty one, where we were frienemies (friend/enemies) and were having a frienemy war. I had some people on my side and we had different weapons (not harmful ones) to fight off Jimmy and his people. We would shoot those play pen balls from my roof and drive remote control trucks loaded with feather bombs out his way.....of course I never thought it was fair because Jimmy had more money than me and had huge catapult things that would throw big bundles of styrofoam at us.... not sure who won, but we had a good time.
So anyway.... last night, I have this other dream...
Starts where me and some other people were trying to get through a large double door that was closed. To get through you had to defeat one of your fears and then you could walk through it. (in this case it was the fear of the unknown to get through the door). So me and a few others walked through it, like literately passed through it.
Inside the large room were other people standing and waiting for us to approach and as we proceeded forward, some of the people would block some of the others with me (they had to face one of their fears dealing with these people).
I walked straight to the back and had to choose going to the right or left. I went to the right and there was a bakery there and two ladies behind the counter. They wanted me to eat something from their shop. I told them I couldn't because it probably had dairy in it and would make me sick. They asked what I needed and I said lactaid pills, lol. One of the ladies said she had some but they were only for her and I couldn't have any, and then said I would have to go to the left to the other option. So...being annoyed by them, I left and went back over to the left of the room.
Ok...so this is weird but it was Jimmy Fallon's desk, he had pizza and breadsticks on his desk...and as I was walking up, kinda glad to see him again since our frienemy war....he turned into breadsticks...yeah, breadsticks.
I was like..."What are you doing?" as he was trying to blend in with the other things on his desk and hide, lol. "Jimmy, what are you doing?!" I would ask getting frustrated because I wanted to say hello. Then he suddenly turned back into himself and he was standing in next to my very good friend, and next to him was Jesus. I was thinking this was some sort of intervention or something because I was like dude...what the heck is going on....?
Anyway Jimmy smiles and says... "You know....frienemies like me are only here to help you, why did you wait so long to ask me what was going on? You got all frustrated first. Friends are here to help you. Enemies are here to help you too."...
Then I looked over at my very good friend...he said. "And friends like me who aren't there....are here to help you too."
Then I look over at Jesus, who just seems thrilled I was absorbing this 'lesson', smiles and says... "and me...you know I'm here to help you already." ...he shrugs like it's obvious, but I think there was something in that smile he made while he did it.
So I woke up then....and I know the boss man knew I would remember every word and I'm still trying to decode it...
Soooo...I've got four more days of work this week and only two days next week...and kinda hoping I'm 'let go' after that...this working outside of the home is not for me...whatever people, go do your jobs for someone else...I however am done....and I know this because I dread going the night prior to working. I'm rather disappointed I haven't been able to write my book for the last few weeks either...it would probably be done by now....grrr....
Meanwhile in lala land.... I spent money I don't have on things I don't need. and I feel great!.. besides a random pain in my neck (literal here) and lack of bank account funds.... however the bills are currently paid up to date and I have this ridiculous priced jacket on my radar my husband said I could go buy 0__0 !!! He hasn't argued with me about my future samurai kitties either.... OMG! I'm gonna keep him home forever! ....and of course put him to work on random business ventures in hopes of making some monetary gains....as well as cleaning the oven. :)
So I have 2 unschoolers who are not entertained by the yearly assessment (changing the name, but I haven't had time to think!) and 1 unjobber who is okay most of the time but still in limbo land.... ugh. And me who is going to unjob myself in less than ten days....but not from sewing work...that isn't work, that's art.
and....let's see...next year is 2015.... that sounds like a good year.... waiting for the music to begin...
....you know that song.... 'You've got a friend in me"?.... Frienemy (friend in me)
You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me When the road looks rough ahead And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed You just remember what your old pal said Boy you've got a friend in me Yeah you've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me You got troubles and I got 'em too There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you We stick together, we can see it through 'Cause you've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am Bigger and stronger too Maybe But none of them Will ever love you the way I do It's me and you boy And as the years go by Our friendship will never die You're gonna see it's our destiny You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
What are we? ...we are the music (muse sic = to think...thus was it written)
You would think I wouldn't still be struck down by every divine rush that happens my way. This living by the ocean is exhilarating....and I still find myself tilting my head in a whirling sea of ignorance and insight. What do I do with this ball of complicated simple wisdom?
Let's start with the first blow....and no, I don't make up these things....these things are real and yes, they do happen to me, and yes, I enjoyably spend my life pondering them....everyday. ..
There's this sign in front of a church down the road. I often pass it by. It reads.... "God is not there to keep us from trials, but to see us through them.". Truthfully, I always thought of it as bland and continuously hoped they wouldn't wait out the entire month to change it to some new adage. But, I read it over and over each time I drove to or from home....and yeah, both sides say the same thing....still, and it's been weeks.
So I really don't like it and it sounded kinda lame and full of milk. ...well.... here's where it gets into that idea that words are not merely words but something more...like my last post title... Frequency, was frequent sea.... and there have been many instances of words being much more than just words....they are vibrations and this so called frequency....
well, just yesterday, there was this moment where I again read this rather boring sign... thinking how that the boss man would indeed help us through our trials....and man, there have been plenty as of late.
"No, read it again." He would say.
So, yeah...I read it again in my head....'sees us through them...'
Sees us.
Not as in, watching or helping us through them...but sees who we are....sees who we truly are when faced with these trials. Sees everything when we lay ourselves bare and lay all upon him...because who else could carry them?
Seas us....crashing like waves and we are cleansed from our masks.... trials....try alls........ I'm telling you this is my life and it couldn't be more beautiful living by the sea.
And this brings me to Avatar...in seeing each other as we are....
May I continue? ...I was browsing through this magazine...you know, the kind that seems interesting, but you keep turning pages every 4 seconds to see if anything at all strikes your fancy, but it doesn't...well, I was caught up by one post....yeah, just one in the whole magazine....go figure...it was talking about how people exchange gifts for the winter solstice, call it yule, christmas, I don't care..., point is, the post kept on rambling about how the divine is silence...and I was thinking how the divine is also vibration...and the waves are both and its all correct...even though the author kept on about silence is divine, silence is truth... whatever dude, it-He-we are both... and I was shown that the other night....before I even read that article.
I'm not totally sure how to explain it really.... think of your body....and envision sound waves coming from it... like ripples on water....or something...I can't give you an imagination...
anyway...they come in and go out from us, like a radio antenna.
You have the vibration of the ripple/sound and in between those you have the stillness/silence. It's a pattern.
So boss man was showing me that when we try to take over and gain control of a situation/person it triggers our emotions (E motions, energy motions) to a different frequency, that they cause the smoother ripples to shake out of balance, like splashing would cause peaceful ripples to lose their path/shape/smoothness.
We need to not worry about stuff guys....he's been on the same frequency all this time and helping us tune in and I don't know why we keep changing the channel.
random thought....you do know what a channel is don't you..?....or you can think of channeling....
Stop making waves...that's not your job. Haha....I'm thinking of tons of puns now. 'Don't rock the boat. Don't make waves. The coast is clear' .... I need friends....lol.
I helped Santa Clause shop for bells today at work. I was gonna ask if he was still taking requests for Christmas, but chickened out. Dude, I'm working...anyway...I was gonna ask for hubby's back to be better and for him to get a really good job that doesn't suck and he can do...cause I don't like working somewhere not at home.
Anyway.....it's almost crunch time for my at home work stuff....and of course tomorrow is shot...and all I have is Friday after work. Unless I can convince myself to get up early and go pick up a t-shirt at the store...haha...that's funny.
I should be working on my book (chapter 24!) but guess what I'm doing....writing about insightful dealings...
and I had a dream about the word transcend....with a tree in it.... not sure how that connects yet...trans send...trans end...transcend...higher frequency probably. ..hmm... trans means across/beyond/through.... beyond end? idk.
I've seen light waves before....and there's no better way of making you think your eyes are spazzing than to see light waves... They have bands of light (similar to ripples) and in between those...you guessed it, bands of darkness. And they move fast, so fast that you try to catch them in motion, but they've already gone way past where your eye stops...it's pretty cool...but I bet it wouldn't be all that great if it stayed that way...you would probably think you were hallucinating.
yeah, I'm wavering in subjects here.
so, I'm gonna go then. Maybe get some sort of sleep and let the world take care of itself tomorrow while I'm trapped at one job, and somehow sew all these tee shirts Friday afternoon.
Let's start with the first blow....and no, I don't make up these things....these things are real and yes, they do happen to me, and yes, I enjoyably spend my life pondering them....everyday. ..
There's this sign in front of a church down the road. I often pass it by. It reads.... "God is not there to keep us from trials, but to see us through them.". Truthfully, I always thought of it as bland and continuously hoped they wouldn't wait out the entire month to change it to some new adage. But, I read it over and over each time I drove to or from home....and yeah, both sides say the same thing....still, and it's been weeks.
So I really don't like it and it sounded kinda lame and full of milk. ...well.... here's where it gets into that idea that words are not merely words but something more...like my last post title... Frequency, was frequent sea.... and there have been many instances of words being much more than just words....they are vibrations and this so called frequency....
well, just yesterday, there was this moment where I again read this rather boring sign... thinking how that the boss man would indeed help us through our trials....and man, there have been plenty as of late.
"No, read it again." He would say.
So, yeah...I read it again in my head....'sees us through them...'
Sees us.
Not as in, watching or helping us through them...but sees who we are....sees who we truly are when faced with these trials. Sees everything when we lay ourselves bare and lay all upon him...because who else could carry them?
Seas us....crashing like waves and we are cleansed from our masks.... trials....try alls........ I'm telling you this is my life and it couldn't be more beautiful living by the sea.
And this brings me to Avatar...in seeing each other as we are....
May I continue? ...I was browsing through this magazine...you know, the kind that seems interesting, but you keep turning pages every 4 seconds to see if anything at all strikes your fancy, but it doesn't...well, I was caught up by one post....yeah, just one in the whole magazine....go figure...it was talking about how people exchange gifts for the winter solstice, call it yule, christmas, I don't care..., point is, the post kept on rambling about how the divine is silence...and I was thinking how the divine is also vibration...and the waves are both and its all correct...even though the author kept on about silence is divine, silence is truth... whatever dude, it-He-we are both... and I was shown that the other night....before I even read that article.
I'm not totally sure how to explain it really.... think of your body....and envision sound waves coming from it... like ripples on water....or something...I can't give you an imagination...
anyway...they come in and go out from us, like a radio antenna.
You have the vibration of the ripple/sound and in between those you have the stillness/silence. It's a pattern.
So boss man was showing me that when we try to take over and gain control of a situation/person it triggers our emotions (E motions, energy motions) to a different frequency, that they cause the smoother ripples to shake out of balance, like splashing would cause peaceful ripples to lose their path/shape/smoothness.
We need to not worry about stuff guys....he's been on the same frequency all this time and helping us tune in and I don't know why we keep changing the channel.
random thought....you do know what a channel is don't you..?....or you can think of channeling....
Stop making waves...that's not your job. Haha....I'm thinking of tons of puns now. 'Don't rock the boat. Don't make waves. The coast is clear' .... I need friends....lol.
I helped Santa Clause shop for bells today at work. I was gonna ask if he was still taking requests for Christmas, but chickened out. Dude, I'm working...anyway...I was gonna ask for hubby's back to be better and for him to get a really good job that doesn't suck and he can do...cause I don't like working somewhere not at home.
Anyway.....it's almost crunch time for my at home work stuff....and of course tomorrow is shot...and all I have is Friday after work. Unless I can convince myself to get up early and go pick up a t-shirt at the store...haha...that's funny.
I should be working on my book (chapter 24!) but guess what I'm doing....writing about insightful dealings...
and I had a dream about the word transcend....with a tree in it.... not sure how that connects yet...trans send...trans end...transcend...higher frequency probably. ..hmm... trans means across/beyond/through.... beyond end? idk.
I've seen light waves before....and there's no better way of making you think your eyes are spazzing than to see light waves... They have bands of light (similar to ripples) and in between those...you guessed it, bands of darkness. And they move fast, so fast that you try to catch them in motion, but they've already gone way past where your eye stops...it's pretty cool...but I bet it wouldn't be all that great if it stayed that way...you would probably think you were hallucinating.
yeah, I'm wavering in subjects here.
so, I'm gonna go then. Maybe get some sort of sleep and let the world take care of itself tomorrow while I'm trapped at one job, and somehow sew all these tee shirts Friday afternoon.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
A...frequent sea...of sound waves....? OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!
He held me like a child and I laid my head upon his shoulder. "Nothing's wrong." I would say, but there wasn't any joy in those words. Perhaps the weariness of these waves pounded too hard against these walls recently. Those soft sunny days and warm breezes were being missed. We knew the tower would always stand and we knew the sun had to come out again, but maybe even though I hadn't forgotten that, I sighed with this burden.
But that wasn't it, or not all of it. "Are you ashamed?" He would ask.
Maybe. Maybe, what did that really mean after all? Ashamed of being this tower and scoured with the force of these waves, from this ocean? Embarrassed for making these choices, those choices, picking those options, choosing wrong, or choosing right? Would any choice be the correct one? A lighthouse wasn't meant to stand upon the sunny fields, or dance upon the colorful flowers. A lighthouse, a star, a river, a child.... was meant to have it all.
"Are you happy now?" He asked. right now...at this moment...this moment while I hold you close and whisper in your ear? While my arms hold you firmly upon the rock?
"Yes. I'm happy right now...right at this moment..."
"Then be happy now." He said. Happy in this moment. Now. And this moment. Now. And this moment. Now.
And that old illusion of time drifted away...and all troubles were forgotten, and all issues were laid to rest upon that rock. And none of those choices ever mattered, those decisions could never be wrong, and wrong doesn't exist, and shame can't exist either unless you think you're all alone.
Tell me why He does this? Takes these warped shadows and shines them into nothing...no thing. Reminding this forgetful child that shadows don't exist if you are looking at the sunlight. Blinded by that kind of love. And you'd never know what that was until you turned away from your own shadow.
I've said too much. And I ponder the sound of my own voice. The mind can't speak with words what it was meant to say with thoughts. Vibrations can't be found upon the tongue, and there's no way to find my brothers and sisters by saying such things or writing such things...and all I can hope for is that they can find me and overlook any stupid words that spill out from this mouth. This fleshy bit of manifested creation that always fails to really say what it means to. And this child cries upon the Lord's shoulder and He smiles. He is totally not mocking me...is he?
"No one was ever meant to speak with the heart." He snickers. "Why do you keep trying to?"
maybe because lips say the wrong things and the head is even worse. And so he'll say something about speaking with lips 'from' the heart, but even that gets transmitted the wrong way.....ugh.
"Hearts don't speak. They beat like the pounding of the ocean." He whispers. He looks away, out somewhere, pondering maybe?
what? and this tear covered child looks at him silent....hearing those beats inside his chest....
This is a safe place. Here. Now. In THIS moment. And the waves crash hard....and I'm in His arms.
"You can always find me here." He says.
Here. Now. In THIS moment.
So....what's right with the world....? Yeah, just everything.
on Chapter 24 and on the last stretch of storyline before the big fun read through proofread takes up many hours of my day.....because yeah, I start reading my own book and enjoy it because I often don't remember writing 80% of it....though I do know what happens in the end. :) if you can call it that?? ;)
And working for other people isn't too bad, though 5 hour shifts are much more enjoyable than anything longer than that.
Sewing work....actually on schedule (can you believe that?) and I hear the wind is blowing like crazy outside...yeesh. I like wind though.
Thanksgiving tomorrow and I don't have to cook! yay. but I do have to go to work...uh..yay? doesn't matter really though, just a day of the week, and I get to do thanks-giving everyday.
let's see.....I'm kinda mad that my favorite cat is awol. And if he comes home he is going to go through shock at taking a crash course in 'indoor cat only status'. Otherwise, when finances become more like paying bills instead of hoping to pay bills....I'm going to bring home two kitties and they will be indoor only kitties....and our current 'I like to be indoor only' cat Foxy will finally have someone to play with.....assuming that she approves of at least one of them. And they are going to be youtubed and photographed alot for creative endeavors....because it's not like I have anything else to do.
um...yeah, blah blah, other stuff...and if you really want to know, you'll just have to ask me.
But that wasn't it, or not all of it. "Are you ashamed?" He would ask.
Maybe. Maybe, what did that really mean after all? Ashamed of being this tower and scoured with the force of these waves, from this ocean? Embarrassed for making these choices, those choices, picking those options, choosing wrong, or choosing right? Would any choice be the correct one? A lighthouse wasn't meant to stand upon the sunny fields, or dance upon the colorful flowers. A lighthouse, a star, a river, a child.... was meant to have it all.
"Are you happy now?" He asked. right now...at this moment...this moment while I hold you close and whisper in your ear? While my arms hold you firmly upon the rock?
"Yes. I'm happy right now...right at this moment..."
"Then be happy now." He said. Happy in this moment. Now. And this moment. Now. And this moment. Now.
And that old illusion of time drifted away...and all troubles were forgotten, and all issues were laid to rest upon that rock. And none of those choices ever mattered, those decisions could never be wrong, and wrong doesn't exist, and shame can't exist either unless you think you're all alone.
Tell me why He does this? Takes these warped shadows and shines them into nothing...no thing. Reminding this forgetful child that shadows don't exist if you are looking at the sunlight. Blinded by that kind of love. And you'd never know what that was until you turned away from your own shadow.
I've said too much. And I ponder the sound of my own voice. The mind can't speak with words what it was meant to say with thoughts. Vibrations can't be found upon the tongue, and there's no way to find my brothers and sisters by saying such things or writing such things...and all I can hope for is that they can find me and overlook any stupid words that spill out from this mouth. This fleshy bit of manifested creation that always fails to really say what it means to. And this child cries upon the Lord's shoulder and He smiles. He is totally not mocking me...is he?
"No one was ever meant to speak with the heart." He snickers. "Why do you keep trying to?"
maybe because lips say the wrong things and the head is even worse. And so he'll say something about speaking with lips 'from' the heart, but even that gets transmitted the wrong way.....ugh.
"Hearts don't speak. They beat like the pounding of the ocean." He whispers. He looks away, out somewhere, pondering maybe?
what? and this tear covered child looks at him silent....hearing those beats inside his chest....
This is a safe place. Here. Now. In THIS moment. And the waves crash hard....and I'm in His arms.
"You can always find me here." He says.
Here. Now. In THIS moment.
So....what's right with the world....? Yeah, just everything.
on Chapter 24 and on the last stretch of storyline before the big fun read through proofread takes up many hours of my day.....because yeah, I start reading my own book and enjoy it because I often don't remember writing 80% of it....though I do know what happens in the end. :) if you can call it that?? ;)
And working for other people isn't too bad, though 5 hour shifts are much more enjoyable than anything longer than that.
Sewing work....actually on schedule (can you believe that?) and I hear the wind is blowing like crazy outside...yeesh. I like wind though.
Thanksgiving tomorrow and I don't have to cook! yay. but I do have to go to work...uh..yay? doesn't matter really though, just a day of the week, and I get to do thanks-giving everyday.
let's see.....I'm kinda mad that my favorite cat is awol. And if he comes home he is going to go through shock at taking a crash course in 'indoor cat only status'. Otherwise, when finances become more like paying bills instead of hoping to pay bills....I'm going to bring home two kitties and they will be indoor only kitties....and our current 'I like to be indoor only' cat Foxy will finally have someone to play with.....assuming that she approves of at least one of them. And they are going to be youtubed and photographed alot for creative endeavors....because it's not like I have anything else to do.
um...yeah, blah blah, other stuff...and if you really want to know, you'll just have to ask me.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Let the storm rage on....the cold never bothered me anyway....
"Do you not trust me?"
Maybe He said it or maybe I said it for Him...but either way, there's a lesson within it.
'Let It Go' keeps playing in my head all day and throughout the night. I'm rather thankful I don't know all the lyrics for this reason.
We had a conversation about the trees the other day and I'm still contemplating what all He meant by what He said. Trying to grasp at the treasure inside those words....and 'Let It Go' starts playing the chorus once again....
Even that dreaded horoscope that flashed on my facebook page mentioned the same thing....synchronicity at it's finest....and I know that voice.
And again....today that same voice and I smile every single time I hear Him, because there is no other sound more beautiful.
The leaves, the leaves that fall upon my driveway, and the yard, and the roof, and everything....I love these leaves. Our shedding of the old ways, the burning away of everything that is not Us...and the trees are filled with a fire of color. And they fall away, like our failures and our burdens, and our doubts will surely fall away. We can trust upon the spring, trust upon a new season, and trust that He will reveal our treasures in His time.
That almost sounded lame up there ^^ ^^ not the meaning but the use of those fancy words other people use....going to have to elaborate more on my content and vocabulary....Ugh, the trials of independence and non-conformity are pressing hard this day.
What's new....well, let's just say nothing actually 'new', but something along the lines of that burning up of the old...and this is a good thing, I totally trust in that.
There it is again.... 'that' song....and sometimes 'Everything is Awesome' starts adding a few lines in here and there. I love His sense of humor.
I'm on chapter 23 of my book, so that is going well at least, and Mr. Clean is doing a fine job of cleansing and spending quality time with me too. I feel all loved and not neglected.
2 Orders I hope to finish tonight, possibly make it to chapter 24.... Laundry, dishes, dinner, and a work day tomorrow... :P not sure if I like working for someone else, lol. temporary, temporary....I can totally do this... there's no song for stamina...
Maybe He said it or maybe I said it for Him...but either way, there's a lesson within it.
'Let It Go' keeps playing in my head all day and throughout the night. I'm rather thankful I don't know all the lyrics for this reason.
We had a conversation about the trees the other day and I'm still contemplating what all He meant by what He said. Trying to grasp at the treasure inside those words....and 'Let It Go' starts playing the chorus once again....
Even that dreaded horoscope that flashed on my facebook page mentioned the same thing....synchronicity at it's finest....and I know that voice.
And again....today that same voice and I smile every single time I hear Him, because there is no other sound more beautiful.
The leaves, the leaves that fall upon my driveway, and the yard, and the roof, and everything....I love these leaves. Our shedding of the old ways, the burning away of everything that is not Us...and the trees are filled with a fire of color. And they fall away, like our failures and our burdens, and our doubts will surely fall away. We can trust upon the spring, trust upon a new season, and trust that He will reveal our treasures in His time.
That almost sounded lame up there ^^ ^^ not the meaning but the use of those fancy words other people use....going to have to elaborate more on my content and vocabulary....Ugh, the trials of independence and non-conformity are pressing hard this day.
What's new....well, let's just say nothing actually 'new', but something along the lines of that burning up of the old...and this is a good thing, I totally trust in that.
There it is again.... 'that' song....and sometimes 'Everything is Awesome' starts adding a few lines in here and there. I love His sense of humor.
I'm on chapter 23 of my book, so that is going well at least, and Mr. Clean is doing a fine job of cleansing and spending quality time with me too. I feel all loved and not neglected.
2 Orders I hope to finish tonight, possibly make it to chapter 24.... Laundry, dishes, dinner, and a work day tomorrow... :P not sure if I like working for someone else, lol. temporary, temporary....I can totally do this... there's no song for stamina...
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Lighthouses aren't built to fall
Cryptic....and I'm not sorry to do it to you.
I stand firm upon the rock and unwavering against the waves. The water isn't even cold anymore. Almost...almost like a massage....a message. Pulsating...throbbing with this beaming light. A lighthouse with walls painted of dreams, joy plastered to the walls. Stones of strength....
....and why can't that be enough?
I see him trembling. His foundations rocking to and fro with every wave. I see him fight against the sea. Cursing the waves and gasping for breath from the chilled waters. Does he not know he too stands upon the rock...can he not remember? I watch and I lift him up....
....and why can't love be enough to bring him up from the depths?
What good is our love if it doesn't reach out far enough? What good is the presence of a lighthouse if our light fades into the fog and our dreams can't give hope to those who need it and our joy can't give joy to those who need it, and our strength can't give strength to those who need it....and why....why can't our love be enough.
Love conquers all....no.... only His love conquers all....and ask me how I know....
Ours can't lift them up from the sea. Can't lead them to shore. Can't carry them to safety, and doesn't bring them home. All it does is endures. It carries us, it holds onto and keeps shining out, without favor, without end.....and maybe....maybe if they see..... maybe if they would have it, if they could recognize it.....then maybe it could lead them to Him too...and they can carry that love....cause that's all that is sustainable.
Has he forgotten you? And the lighthouse isn't bright enough to lead him to you, no matter that there's a neon sign on the door that says "Enter within" and there's no easy way to say that he has forgotten you and has forgotten himself and has forgotten me too. And when you tell me you are working on it, working on him.....I believe you...and omg you didn't ever tell me it would take this long, and is bound to take much longer, and I probably would have argued with you about had you told me that in the beginning.
But I know....he is stubborn. And the lighthouse knows he thinks the light is just a pretty star only there to laugh at him....but the lighthouse doesn't laugh. The lighthouse stands strong waiting for him to enter within. The lighthouse....even the lighthouse knows it would be useless without the light.
And deep inside at the base of the shore....I pound my fists and I crawl into the dark shadows and I make myself feel the cold so I can understand why he looks away. This lighthouse will never stop shining dammit. Because this lighthouse knows the love that lasts forever and everyone deserves a taste of it. Pound on waves...thundering crashing deafening waves....I will stand. And the light will light up your ocean and those who seek refuge may enter within and this light will endure....come. He is within.
And I can't show you the light. You can only find it for yourself.....and those of you who write your words not intended for anyone else to read.....know that that too is light....light in dark places....and I thank you for leaving personal journals in random places, lost and forgotten, and I thank God for making me not even read them until the perfect time, and know that you've brought me to shore.
Don't listen to a word I say.....The screams all sound the same..... Though the truth may vary, this....ship will carry our....bodies safe to shore.
found something....in this twilight... 'if He sent it...He would have signed it' theory.
well...His signature is on everything.... and now we are on to the next lesson.
thought you might like to know what I found the other day.
I stand firm upon the rock and unwavering against the waves. The water isn't even cold anymore. Almost...almost like a massage....a message. Pulsating...throbbing with this beaming light. A lighthouse with walls painted of dreams, joy plastered to the walls. Stones of strength....
....and why can't that be enough?
I see him trembling. His foundations rocking to and fro with every wave. I see him fight against the sea. Cursing the waves and gasping for breath from the chilled waters. Does he not know he too stands upon the rock...can he not remember? I watch and I lift him up....
....and why can't love be enough to bring him up from the depths?
What good is our love if it doesn't reach out far enough? What good is the presence of a lighthouse if our light fades into the fog and our dreams can't give hope to those who need it and our joy can't give joy to those who need it, and our strength can't give strength to those who need it....and why....why can't our love be enough.
Love conquers all....no.... only His love conquers all....and ask me how I know....
Ours can't lift them up from the sea. Can't lead them to shore. Can't carry them to safety, and doesn't bring them home. All it does is endures. It carries us, it holds onto and keeps shining out, without favor, without end.....and maybe....maybe if they see..... maybe if they would have it, if they could recognize it.....then maybe it could lead them to Him too...and they can carry that love....cause that's all that is sustainable.
Has he forgotten you? And the lighthouse isn't bright enough to lead him to you, no matter that there's a neon sign on the door that says "Enter within" and there's no easy way to say that he has forgotten you and has forgotten himself and has forgotten me too. And when you tell me you are working on it, working on him.....I believe you...and omg you didn't ever tell me it would take this long, and is bound to take much longer, and I probably would have argued with you about had you told me that in the beginning.
But I know....he is stubborn. And the lighthouse knows he thinks the light is just a pretty star only there to laugh at him....but the lighthouse doesn't laugh. The lighthouse stands strong waiting for him to enter within. The lighthouse....even the lighthouse knows it would be useless without the light.
And deep inside at the base of the shore....I pound my fists and I crawl into the dark shadows and I make myself feel the cold so I can understand why he looks away. This lighthouse will never stop shining dammit. Because this lighthouse knows the love that lasts forever and everyone deserves a taste of it. Pound on waves...thundering crashing deafening waves....I will stand. And the light will light up your ocean and those who seek refuge may enter within and this light will endure....come. He is within.
And I can't show you the light. You can only find it for yourself.....and those of you who write your words not intended for anyone else to read.....know that that too is light....light in dark places....and I thank you for leaving personal journals in random places, lost and forgotten, and I thank God for making me not even read them until the perfect time, and know that you've brought me to shore.
Don't listen to a word I say.....The screams all sound the same..... Though the truth may vary, this....ship will carry our....bodies safe to shore.
found something....in this twilight... 'if He sent it...He would have signed it' theory.
well...His signature is on everything.... and now we are on to the next lesson.
thought you might like to know what I found the other day.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
I feel the love... And I feel it burn... Down this river every turn
"Did you see what you did today?" He asks me while the sky is covered in a midnight blanket.
"No...?" I answer like a teenager, thinking if I had done something that might be perceived as wrong.
"I saw what you did." He smiles as he sends me images of myself....images of what I did do.
I played pretend real-life Minecraft with 5, 6, and 7 year old kids. I enticed one little kid out of the corner, as he was feeling disconnected with the others....and being that I knew he knows more than I could about Minecraft, I brought the subject up, as what would allow him to feel comfortable stepping away from the wall other than what he enjoys. Minecraft. Yeah, that video game with blocks, and creepers, and ender men. We started pretend building..and of course, everyone else wanted to know what we were doing...so yeah, they all probably knowing more about Minecraft than me, and started building as well. We made a tower, and laid tracks for a roller coaster. We all sat in the minecart and rode it too. We killed creepers and a few pigs so we could eat. We mined for diamonds and red stone and set up a crafting table to enchant our pick axes ans swords. We got some ender pearls and threw ourselves ...way over there. It was rather uneventful. But hey, the kid got out of the corner. I guess that's what the boss man was really concerned about.
Anyway, I get to paint a star.
"Add it to the sky." He says.
He's been catching me almost every day now. Every day. "How are you today?" He begins.
This is new. I like new.
I'm not sure why I came here. I suspected I would want to write about something....but no. I am not sharing much of anything lately. I think I'm just waiting for the right person to ask me.
Nothing to gripe about either. I'm complete.
I'm listening to itunes right now, and I almost forgot how inspiring some of my songs are. I don't get to listen much anymore, since I have a child who plays Minecraft on my computer during the time that I work, so i don't get music time. Will need to find a solution whenever I can focus on it....and afford it at the same time.
Recently, all I can focus on is book 3 of Angel of MidKnight. I'm on Chapter 18...like the very end of it...so I hope to have it written by Christmas, lol. We shall see. I want to go write now, but other than finding something (anything) to do here in internet land, I should be finishing up a dress I made and getting it packed up to be shipped.
I didn't even procrastinate on it...it just takes a long time to make.
I did turn down an order yesterday too. I was a bit on the fence about it, as we really NEED the money like you wouldn't believe, but I just can't take anything else on right now. I'm almost glad no one is buying right now. I'd rather be writing anyway. Taking pictures, learning songs on the piano, drawing, painting, ...listening to music while I lay in the driveway. <---- The good life right there.
I'm anticipating a self imposed vacation the beginning of November. So you will not find me online much except to write here on this blog if I get an inkling to do so. Probably not, as I only get that kind of urge in the middle of the night when I'm trying to fall asleep, and I'm too lazy to get up.
I've lost interest now, so I think I'm done.
Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Yeah, we'll be counting stars
Everything that kills me.....makes me feel alive.
"No...?" I answer like a teenager, thinking if I had done something that might be perceived as wrong.
"I saw what you did." He smiles as he sends me images of myself....images of what I did do.
I played pretend real-life Minecraft with 5, 6, and 7 year old kids. I enticed one little kid out of the corner, as he was feeling disconnected with the others....and being that I knew he knows more than I could about Minecraft, I brought the subject up, as what would allow him to feel comfortable stepping away from the wall other than what he enjoys. Minecraft. Yeah, that video game with blocks, and creepers, and ender men. We started pretend building..and of course, everyone else wanted to know what we were doing...so yeah, they all probably knowing more about Minecraft than me, and started building as well. We made a tower, and laid tracks for a roller coaster. We all sat in the minecart and rode it too. We killed creepers and a few pigs so we could eat. We mined for diamonds and red stone and set up a crafting table to enchant our pick axes ans swords. We got some ender pearls and threw ourselves ...way over there. It was rather uneventful. But hey, the kid got out of the corner. I guess that's what the boss man was really concerned about.
Anyway, I get to paint a star.
"Add it to the sky." He says.
He's been catching me almost every day now. Every day. "How are you today?" He begins.
This is new. I like new.
I'm not sure why I came here. I suspected I would want to write about something....but no. I am not sharing much of anything lately. I think I'm just waiting for the right person to ask me.
Nothing to gripe about either. I'm complete.
I'm listening to itunes right now, and I almost forgot how inspiring some of my songs are. I don't get to listen much anymore, since I have a child who plays Minecraft on my computer during the time that I work, so i don't get music time. Will need to find a solution whenever I can focus on it....and afford it at the same time.
Recently, all I can focus on is book 3 of Angel of MidKnight. I'm on Chapter 18...like the very end of it...so I hope to have it written by Christmas, lol. We shall see. I want to go write now, but other than finding something (anything) to do here in internet land, I should be finishing up a dress I made and getting it packed up to be shipped.
I didn't even procrastinate on it...it just takes a long time to make.
I did turn down an order yesterday too. I was a bit on the fence about it, as we really NEED the money like you wouldn't believe, but I just can't take anything else on right now. I'm almost glad no one is buying right now. I'd rather be writing anyway. Taking pictures, learning songs on the piano, drawing, painting, ...listening to music while I lay in the driveway. <---- The good life right there.
I'm anticipating a self imposed vacation the beginning of November. So you will not find me online much except to write here on this blog if I get an inkling to do so. Probably not, as I only get that kind of urge in the middle of the night when I'm trying to fall asleep, and I'm too lazy to get up.
I've lost interest now, so I think I'm done.
Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Yeah, we'll be counting stars
Everything that kills me.....makes me feel alive.
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