Hidden among the universe. You won't find me there.

I feel we've come to and end.
Something is ending....and I'm not sure what it is. I'm not sure whether this is sunset and that a bright sunrise will come tomorrow or whether it will remain dark forever.
I don't like the dark. You can ask Logan about that. You can ask Jesus.
I'm not even going to post this blog link....so the only people ever going to read it, is those who find themselves here. I'm sure I won't say anything grand or infinite. I feel like that star....that star lingering the darkness, yet shining brightly...no one understands, and not many people look up at the night skies these days.
It's okay though....I read something yesterday that reminds me of things I have written about on my deviant journal....which I haven't written in for probably well over a year.
Yeah, those things I write and then go back to read and they are the future...and these things strike me not only with a sense of awe, not just an unusual awareness....but they reflect an energy that I don't have words for.
This will be my last post for a long while. or forever. There's something that I have to go do.....and this isn't helping me.
I feel like I'm at the finish line...

Truthfully, I'm scared.
It's like holding someone's hand...but your just not. It's like standing in front of Jesus....and then you wake up. It's like knowing you love someone and you miss them dearly...and obviously they didn't incarnate in this life with you and you're wondering why you have this hole gouged through your heart.
Worst case scenario...I don't want to die....
Everything else is great.

I'm tired....I'm sad....and I know it's coming....it's coming quickly and there's nothing that's going to make the earth stop spinning.


So I work part time at this unfullfilling job....I work at home too at a moderately decent job. Whatever has become of my plans/dreams...I do not know. They've dissipated. I can't decide whether to stop things I don't like or push through them. I can't decide whether to stand and fight, flee, or just watch.
I'm too tired to do much....I haven't had a decent conversation with the boss man for days...though in truth it feels like years....where is He?
and Logan....I'm too tired to talk and I fall asleep too soon....too soon.
And these humans who litter the earth....who are you people....I can't see you... You can't see me...because I'm hiding....but not because I want to...it's because I don't know who I am until I know who you are.... why do I have to be a fucking mirror?
I never asked to be a mirror....I asked to be a river....and it was so....and then I asked to be a star....and it was so....then I asked to be a lighthouse....and I don't know what that means yet.
all I hear radiating through my thoughts involve the crazy 88 and the constellations...chords, rhythms, music notes...the song of the heavens...and I don't know what to do with this....

God I love him. And I'm the only one caught up in this hurricane... I must go...I have to go to him. I want to.
It's not the same...the way others relate to him..... I've touched him....I've looked into his eyes...he's lifted me high as a child...and I've heard his voice and there isn't anything more that matters. I've seen his smile and his pain...
I love him...everything.... and I'm not sure where to go with this...I feel like that star about to become supernova. I feel like that lighthouse, alone, but standing ready...I feel like that river....swirling unending forward, with no hope of turning around or stopping. He's made me everything...because that's what we are.


What you feel is what you are...and what you are is beautiful.

Don't be bound by the book....

Some people can't enter the garden.....because they would judge half of it evil.

oh to see how everything would look if we just step outside....instead of merely looking through the glass. There's just too much information pouring in and perhaps it seems not enough time to absorb it all. Then we complain when we find the time to absorb it because things have slowed. Don't stop...let the rain come down. I would rather drown in this ocean than thirst to death.
That song....that partially annoying song plays again...Let it Go...Let it go, can't hold me back anymore... and you wonder why it's so famous....or perhaps overly used to the point of driving the country insane. It's true you know. That lingering underlying message it is sending out. That hidden frequency that radiates not just from those words, but from that speech...that song behind the song...the one on the other side. I can't explain in simple terms....but I understand, I hear it, and I see it. And I think it's a grand design.
No...it's not brainwashing children or anything....merely showing them the doorhandle. The one you have to turn to open the door. And they can feel it...those children....they don't even know it. We aren't going to recognize the future generations...they aren't going to have the same fear that plagues the world right now. They aren't going to have any fears at all. Nothing is going to keep them from the truth....not rules, not fear, not each other.
Let them sing. Let them....cause most of us are just getting in their way.

its 1am....and I need to go write an epilogue. and read some more of this book I'm reading. It has stuff about physics, science, history, chemistry...among other things in it....and no, it's not an educational book...unless you want to learn about .....I don't even know what to call it. other stuff. yeah. like architecture and alchemy...and mathematics and geometry....it really is an intriguing book so far.
see what I found hahaha.....

and sometimes you have to choose not to see the EVOL as evil....and yes, it is a choice...
but see it all as LOVE....cause it is. it makes the world go round.
Yeah lame...whatever.

Anyway.... yeah, that's it for today.

Everything really IS awesome....choose that.

I'm really thrilled actually. Thrilled that these words spill out of their confinements and lay themselves bare. No longer hidden behind humdrum beginnings or mysterious endings. Oh the joy of these numerous fascinations.
Duality.... or now dubbed 'dueling reality'.... I think I can see through the mist a little clearer. Though seeing what amazement it brings...one would already know things are much clearer.
And so this leads to being caught up in a one way ticket....a one track mind....and to square one. There's no going back...and who would want to? Forgive me if I seem to fall behind, or seem to leap ahead....that's only a misconception...a misperception... irrelevant. Doesn't matter if I'm on the train's first car or last....we still all reach the destination at the same time. We are one.

So....if you already aren't aware....there's this energy boiling up...pounding thick against our flesh....a turbulent growing force waiting to be unleashed...and it's building rapidly behind the flood gates..... can't you hear the rushing waves....
It's almost ready to burst forth.... prepare to harness the coming wave....it's going to be a big one... and I am excited and ecstatic and almost uncontainably able to patiently wait for its release.
I feel like laughing madly into the sky....because even if I can't describe it, I can feel it...and it's going to be grand! Don't bother holding on tight....we aren't meant to stay put with this one....it's time to fly! WhEEEeeEEeeEEEeeEeeeEEEEEEeee!!!!!!


So besides the exciting news.....I also feel there may be something that has yet to reveal itself....feels like a secret you've been waiting to hear about or a solution to a major problem...or the final piece of the puzzle....feels like it's fixing to get known too.... like a surprise. I wonder what it could be....hmmmm. I shall keep you updated on that once I figure out what it is.

Book update.... I'm fixing to proof read everything. I think I'm done with Chapter 30.... and I want to write the epilogue after I proof read in case I forgot something... Should be done within a week...we hope! Then to name it, haha.... prep the formatting, and get it printed.... only to find 50 misspelled words or misprints after I get it in book form, lol. Of course.
Book 4 on the other hand will have to wait until I read this very interesting book.....

Sewing work, good. Working for other people job, good. And other than my neck pinching the crap out of me, I'm good-ish. I should probably go to sleep....but I'm gonna go proof read! YAY! Later!

......I swear I've lived.

So....the conversation was enlightening. And now....this word.... 'deserve'....has been decoded...debunked...demoted into what it really is.
De-serve ...De-serving...di-serving....this dis-service to ourselves.... Who are we to even judge ourselves....for we would condemn ourselves quickly and easily. Guilty.
Split into two....we are such a fatal species.
And He asked if I deserved my punishment I bestowed upon myself? But I couldn't answer Him. I wasn't even that good of a judge much less jury and executioner. He didn't see anything worth condemning. He didn't see a need for me to be swallowed up by the darkness...the rain, the muck, the cold. "Come here." He pulled me out of that muddy corner and set the sunlight upon my face. "Choose love." He would say.
Choose love. Yeah. Love is all you need, for reals.

And when we can impart that into every breath....that will be the indwelling. Choosing to love all, even ourselves.
There was this song I just heard...and it's probably old, but it said something about hoping you fall in love and it hurts so bad...the only way to know is to give it all you have... but there was this image that cast through my thoughts....a standing to toast every moment, good, bad, ugly, beautiful.... ah yes, everything.

....I'm not sure where the day went, but tomorrow is already planned and I don't like that monopolizing evidence. Sewing work, obviously. Writing the end of chapter 29 (I'm totally like 2 paragraphs away from Chapter 30) Which will be the last chapter besides the short epilogue. Dinner...no idea what's for dinner. And that dreaded twiddling of thumbs waiting on a w-2 form.... oh the joy.
Otherwise....very insightful things lately and hopefully you've noticed. Goodnight....er...good morning?

Reeling it in. I'm going home.

Let's get real....real deep....real eyes'd.
I recently gave everything away. Yeah, you heard that right. So recently it was only a few seconds ago. The trouble is remembering that.
If it were ever mine, I would own it, I would control it, I would have created it, I would know it's uses, it's causes, it's effects...down to every little detail, every smidgen of worth, every ripple, every line, every molecular atom... Every wavelength.
But since I do not know these things...about any of it. It was never mine. It couldn't be mine. I have no bond to such a thing. So instead of pretending I own it...I gave it away.
Now it is not mine. And...I don't want it back. I cede. I surrender. I give up. I abandon. I leave. I oust. I kick out. I turn away from....I deny.

Now, let's go deep....diving into this abyss.
I recognized it today. That old malfunction in rhythm. I know what causes it too. So I gave that cause away.... and the wavelength is straightening out. Should I remember this tomorrow? Who knows. Doesn't matter. I give that away too. Tomorrow may not come.
Light waves are made up of moving bands of both light and darkness.... When we see that we have the choice to look to the light, or look to the darkness...things become clear. I could see where the darkness led... I know that place. And I can see where the light led... I know that place too. I will not choose the shadows.
Run the race and stay in time with those bands of light. Don't linger....or the light flashes.

Have you realized.... Have you real eyes? Can you see?
I realize....


.......... I need to go. Words are useless anyhow.
I give you all away.

Drumming beats make me wanna dance

I hear the drumbeat.
A distant echo as I look upon the thunderous mountains and the silent fields that are laid out before them.
"I'm coming for you."
A whisper brought to me by the winds that drift across my skin.
The drumbeat, pounding like the soldiers who tread upon the minds of our kin.
Yet, my eyes are stolen away from their pursuit and cast back across the sunlit skies and giving all abandon unto your face.
Rivers of fear bleed out behind me and I can feel its growing tsunami, yet I cannot see the shadows it creates.
What can a star see of the darkness. What can a lighthouse know of the waves. All she can do is dance.
Dance. Dance. A star can see it all. A lighthouse can feel it all. And still she dances as if these lights will never go out and as if the tower will always stand.
Dance Dance.


Chapter 25 eeekk!! Why do I get so excited for myself...well, for my book, I'm such a dork.
There was this ....thing...today...a ripple? A fluctuation...a something I can't even describe. What do I do with that? I'm curious what tomorrow brings, whether it will be something similar? stronger? better?...hmm

in english, today kinda sucked in one area and was nifty in another. I didn't sew, but I checked emails if that counts towards anything. And I'm headed to go do some more writing since I've only been waiting all freaking day to do it.


notsurewhatelsetosaytatyouwouldunderstand.notsorryforbeingeverythingiamandeverythingiamnot.

Sometimes puzzles need to get re-solutions.

Resolution.... oh, you mean a re-solution....because the first one didn't quite work out very well...neither did the second, or third. Or do you mean, reso---lution, resounding evolution? Meaning we can't really make a difference in what is already prepared to play out before us?
I can't remember what this past year's resolution was...so therefore means nothing. And therefore, I won't be making any New Year's re-solutions for 2015, because we are on a different path, one that involves a more trusting release of solving my own problems...well 'occurrences', since I don't consider anything much of a problem.
There's nothing to solve and I'm not understanding the reasons certain occurrences seem to complicate the lives of so many around me. They ask for help, they ask for prayer, they ask and plead and beg and sob and cry and wear their struggles on their masks....dripping all over the place with their tears and devote neediness.... I'm standing in the sunshine and I don't understand them.
I don't ask for help, I don't ask for prayers, I don't plead or beg or wear my struggles (or as I see them, blessings) on my face or on my masks I've set on fire. The only thing dripping to the floor in a hot mess of molten globs are those pieces of me that aren't me.
......(bunch of stuff I wrote here but deleted)......
see what I did there...I put on another one....damn it.
I would try to make a resolution to stop replacing one with another, but I think this world has literately trapped me into it's glitched prison that I can only escape by remembering once again and again those things I already know....ugh.
Let me tell you a story.....
There's this puzzle in the breakroom at work. It's been there since I started back in November and it is still there sitting on the same table, still unfinished. Much of it is complete, but there are a few large gaping holes in it...incomplete.... and this is a reflection of my life. All the rest of the piece are in the box next to it and I already know what the picture is too. I used to work on it during my breaks, but I don't any longer. Maybe someone does. It had been different earlier (partly complete in different places), but someone or something had knocked a bunch out of whack and some pieces had been scattered on the floor. This is when I basically gave up working on it.
Well...long story short....I don't really think my life has gaping holes or any missing pieces, it's just a bit discombobulated at the moment....and maybe someone will put it together and finish it, or maybe I'll start working on it again, or maybe they'll finally just shove it all back in the box....doesn't matter. The picture already exists, the puzzle was solved before it was ever cut into 500 pieces, and my very good friend has assured me the gaping holes aren't there because he's not here.....but because you can't always see when all the trees are in the way.
Yeah, there's trees in the pic that aren't done....and people raking up all the leaves...cleaning up the things that have fallen away and waiting until spring comes.... god I love this life.

Do you know what a prayer is....it's an exchange. You are giving up and releasing what you are praying for....and in exchange you are receiving what God is praying for.

So...yeah, I'm assuming no one gives a shit about what I write here and no one takes any ounce of worth from anything I do, but that's okay. I guess I can tell you about the mundane things that occur around here..for those who just like to know my mask-y business.
sewing work starts back up today actually, but not really until tomorrow. I flip flop back and forth about whether or not I want to put forth the effort to do certain things relating to sewing work stuff. I'm so indecisive, but that's probably just for today.... totally the curse of being a Pisces. I work one more day this week at my other job, um yay! and I look forward to the next economic crash so our finances will be in much better shape...because we are the opposite of the world. And, let's see...ummmm.....I finally got that feeling the other day....the vibrational change or something...things are headed onward and upward! *claps hands like a loon.
really though, I'm just excited that it's closer to the time I get to bring home two little samurai. But you know me...it's the little things that make me happy. And I'll get to actually work on my book again tomorrow evening! Hooray! Maybe I can finish it in January...it might only have 2 or 3 chapters left.
anyway....it's like late....and I should probably save the daylight hours tomorrow to do something productive, so I'm outta here.


I just realized something....that same stupid feeling you get when you are working a crossword puzzle and the answer hits you and you realize what a dolt you are for not knowing the answer an hour ago.....about that lighthouse I wrote about.... a light house...house of light. Full of stars and of the sun....and not loaded down with burdens by the ton....Ha even that puzzle has a house in it...with lights in the windows. It really is the little things.