It's late, as usual, and not much time to throw out some words your way. Much time consuming feats have been the jist of the month/year/day/hour. Not much of relaxation or getting to live life, more than just living through it. We will have to work on that.
Feeling disgruntled today. Disgruntled at the human population who are worthless and those who never want to better themselves. Namely people whom seem to find their way to rent from us. Idiots. I do hope they discover the living wholesome life sometime before rotting into the depths of filth from being idiots. Not sure how we end up with these type of people, but good gosh it really needs to stop.
Disgruntled at issues involving cash flow. Not that money is all that great....but it is so much better than not having it. Disgruntled at the 'system' of society and all it's wily ways, all its tricks and deceptions, all its filth.
Disgruntled that the one, maybe 2 people I'm looking for are not being very cooperative. Disgruntled that even talking to one of them seems to be an ongoing challenge, and it shouldn't be. Disgruntled that this leap off the cliff is proving to be a tedious venture to which the ending is hidden. As are things like, the path, the signs, the sunlight...oh just about everything.
I guess this is where that stuff they call faith should kick in....but that word is lame. Poor letters trying to hold up a great deed. Let's change it to something more appealing. Because the eyes are the only thing that can still see at the moment....how about resolve. Maybe, idk. One of those, I chose this so now I have to follow through kind of things. Yeah, close enough even if the word still sounds lame.
Had some messed up dreams lately. There were two I can remember that might be worthwhile.....
One was with Obama...(ugh) he was sitting across from me in a chair (like an interview of some sort) talking talking talking....about something or another, none of it was actually answering the questions he was given. And I remember just giving up trying to get answers from him and I leaned over (like little old ladies do) and patted his knee. I said "Don't you worry, everything will be just fine." ..... I knew whatever plans he had were going to fail in the long run. I knew he would fall no matter what grand schemes he had set up. He's a loser, we already know who wins.
The other one was weird, but I liked it because Vin Diesel was in it and he's my adopted brother :) --, anyway we all (the fam) were in a large grocery store without a roof (I think), but many of the items on the shelves were gone. We were checking every aisle to try and find things we needed. Vin was in the same store and I was happy to meet him. We said hi then went on our way shopping. After awhile, for some reason it ended up with me and the boy on the other side of the store (there was a small lake here, and trees, but the aisles were on the other side of the lake.) and it was night all of a sudden....I looked and there was a solar eclipse happening (in the dream I thought it was a lunar eclipse, since it was dark out) and I remember sitting down so we both could see the eclipse from behind the trees. It had a black center with a golden ring all the way around it perfectly. I was pointing at it so the boy could see too. I remember thinking it looking like a wedding ring. Then Vin came by and sat next to us as we watched the eclipse....but it never moved? Woke up not long after that.
Now the thing is lunar eclipses don't leave a ring around it, only solar eclipses do that. Not sure where the rest of my fam went either. But it was nice to meet Vin, haha.
Ok...um...what else. Sewing work as usual, photoshoot stuff, ideas that never seem to get attention :( , renter pains, employment pains, health pains, though I'm feeling betterish lately. This odd sense of "............" it weird....like an impending 'thing' or time or something. What is it!? It's like manna. Maybe if the boss man would help me out in deciphering some things, this 'thing' thing wouldn't be so annoyingly impending.... I feel like its some catastrophe waiting to happen, but no idea what it has to do with anything. :/ disgruntled...and waiting for some signs.
And I'm not talking about harbingers of doom signs. No, not like the oarfish found near Los Angeles, although last time they found those suckers dead was just before the huge quake in Japan.... and two already within the area around california...whatever.....my dream said it was going to happen in Oregon, but my dreams don't know anything really.
Oh, and the tidal wave, tsunami, missile thing that hits NY...whatever....I don't live there, nor want to. I was there in my dream when it got hit with a tsunami....don't want to do that again.
No sudden wake up dreams though which is a good sign, because those happen like the same day. Whew!
Comet Ison coming in a few weeks! Who's excited!? Me! I like cool cosmic art. And the fact when it passes by (assuming it doesn't burn up around the sun) is when we are doing family photos, so I hope to capture it in the background :) or at least I can photoshop it into the pics anyway, lol. Of course the possible debris field we pass through should be a fun show as well.
This is all relying on the fact this comet is a comet and not some space UFO thing....considering youtube people like to photoshop pics and/or they are telling a different side of the story and that thing is not a comet after all...who knows. I'll still take pictures....unless it is a UFO...well then, I'm out man...not touching that crap.
I had a thought today.....what if we are the demons that possess humans....instead of the other way around?
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Bye bye birdie.....
You can learn a lot from a little bird.
This post has been a while in coming...and I really had to think about how to go about an instance like this. So I gave it a few days from said incident. And yeah...things are proceeding once again in some form of direction toward the better. If you know what I mean. not forward exactly, more upward I would say. Or is it inward?? Outward? It is really hard to put a definition on such a deep level. Another dumping of the comfortable safety net. Another shedding of this false grasp of truth. Another plunge of the cliff and into the depths....or solo flight....but not so solo... I'm really bad at describing on a linear level, bare with me in my terminologies.
So a busy day on Gunbarrel road...just like any other, but more so, as it was a weekday and closer to rush hour (yeah, 'what the heck, let's go shopping in the late afternoon' bad idea). Leaving the Wal-Mart parking lot (we went to Joann's....even though I HATE Joann's!!) and so while making a left hand turn....there was this little birdy. Baby bird perhaps? That's what I assumed. Smack dab in the middle of my lane near the middle of this packed full of cars 4-way red light. Yes, I saw it. Yes, it was still alive.
So I stopped....kinda....I slowed stopped-ish.
"Should I stop? there's freaking cars everywhere!" Is there anyone behind me? Hell if I know!" "There's at least 10 cars to my right making the same left turn much faster than I" ....thoughts running through my head... "I know I wouldn't hit it if I kept going forward." "If I get out will I get smacked from a car behind me? "Will I get run over by my own truck?" "Shit, what do I do!!?"
So judging by the fact I was more concerned with safety...I kept going...missing the bird, and even after going super slow so I could pull to the right into a parking lot to go save the bird....I couldn't get over...hence the other 10 or so vehicles speeding on that same left turn out of wal-mart.......so I went forward to turn left to turn around to go back and save the bird....couldn't really get left either due to freaking five hundred cars. Eventually I got back into the wal mart parking lot, made a u-turn and went back out and turned right to get to where the bird was.....little bird is dead. Son of a bitch.
Now this pisses me off. Not only because I could have simply saved it had I pushed the idea that getting hit in the first place out of my head...but because out of the five hundred other drivers literately parked at the red light....that no one else did anything either. What about the drivers in the lane not even 10 feet from this bird...at least 6 had a clear view. What about the drivers going straight? What about the others turning right? Did everyone fail? We all effing suck. And I hate that we suck and evidently can't rely on anyone else to pull us through our challenges or fears.
And this is what I told the boss man. Yeah, the same boss man waiting with me on the hillside. That same one that sometimes doesn't say a word and it drives me crazy.
thanks for helping out, eh?
"What did the little bird teach you?" so He asks..... Him and His questions....always questions....
That life is messy...and fragile...and chaotic...and heartless...heartfull...and full of fear...and love....just a little bit.
"Where was I?" He asks....
Here on this hilltop....I wanted to blurt out....but no...that would be the wrong answer. We all know where He was. There on the inside....always with us. But I didn't get that awesome memory of Him and His "Take hold" lesson. I didn't remember that "Stand up." order. No, none of that nice happy talk that gets you through the night, but can never get you through the day. Never even thought of Him while this helpless creature paraded with giant metal toys.... what were we thinking of....oh, um, obviously the bird...and getting run over...and frustration that everyone was in my way....and disgust that there was no hope outside of oneself.
So ...here's the lesson... because of this blessed little bird.
Whatever verse you cling to....whatever memory you have, no matter how wonderful...whatever thought, idea, prayer, notion, wish, hope, or dream.....none of that really matters at crunch time. It matters, yes, but not in the moment of challenge.
Do you know what does matter?
Imminent self reliance and self awareness. Being fully there. ... not in your head thinking about getting hit or ran over by your own truck...not thinking about attempting to do something a safer, possibly better way. But only being present.
You know the boss man can't ever be present without us. Well, duh.
So did I say hilltop? Let's move over to that cliff again. Yeah..that one, where we leave this sweet comfortable place of communion and give ourselves over to our own wreckless abandon.
Because where we are, He is too.
So begins a new day, and one day we have to get this right, and one day we will make it to that finish line. ... and I'm far from close to it. I suck. But sometimes little birdies lead us forward..well, up..out..in...whatever...lead us on to new horizons.... and we say farewell to the hilltop set below the stars. Where the boss man speaks with His questions, and fills us with answers, and now we are moving....almost running. Let us begin.
So...what else goes on in my life? Obviously this type of stuff takes up 50% of my day. All this thinking and evolutionizing illumination spiritual growth stuff. The rest is divided between family and work, a little bit of conspiracy theory entertainment, along with analyzing the human condition, pets, housework, and unfortunate issues regarding health and wellness.
Possible new employees, check. Funds in the bank again, check. Sewing orders not death sentences of doom until Tuesday, check. A rather late coming convo with the stressed out hubby, check. A jump from the cliff cause we are going to have to get this self reliance thing mastered, check. Kids are happy, check. Pets are still alive, check. House is full of food, check. Bills are paid, check....except for a check to one of my employees who forgot to remind me to pay her before she went home. :P Sewing prep for the week done, check.
What else... plans for month include work, stuff, this, that, Halloween!, photoshoot!, picking up my chicken (Zaycon foods, real all natural chicken for only $1.39lb...Publix has the same stuff for 7.39lb..I know, because I have to buy it because the regular store kind has lactic acid (milk product juice) on it.) Looking for a refrigerator and a small short deep freezer if anyone knows of a lead. Probably have lots to do tomorrow and this coming week, but for tonight we aren't going to worry about it. Talk to you all later. it is late and I have to help with the girl's costume and then I'm going to bed.
And by the way. The boss man is awesome, even if He sends you little birds which you fail to rescue. :(
Oh...and the new 100 dollar bills show another nuclear missile, and tidal wave/tsunami in a big city.... and I heard somewhere something about a ship in New York Harbor.... hmmm. No one wants to comment on these whacked conspiracy theories?? Lol, dang I wish more people would share thoughts about those.... You all are no fun. :/ Some of you can talk about the Living Dead or Breaking Bad all day, but not anything closer to possible truth. I watch a few dumb reality shows occasionally, and late night talk shows....but these funny people on youtube are more entertaining to me, lol.
yeesh.... it's sooo late.
Guess what? ...... nope, never mind.
This post has been a while in coming...and I really had to think about how to go about an instance like this. So I gave it a few days from said incident. And yeah...things are proceeding once again in some form of direction toward the better. If you know what I mean. not forward exactly, more upward I would say. Or is it inward?? Outward? It is really hard to put a definition on such a deep level. Another dumping of the comfortable safety net. Another shedding of this false grasp of truth. Another plunge of the cliff and into the depths....or solo flight....but not so solo... I'm really bad at describing on a linear level, bare with me in my terminologies.
So a busy day on Gunbarrel road...just like any other, but more so, as it was a weekday and closer to rush hour (yeah, 'what the heck, let's go shopping in the late afternoon' bad idea). Leaving the Wal-Mart parking lot (we went to Joann's....even though I HATE Joann's!!) and so while making a left hand turn....there was this little birdy. Baby bird perhaps? That's what I assumed. Smack dab in the middle of my lane near the middle of this packed full of cars 4-way red light. Yes, I saw it. Yes, it was still alive.
So I stopped....kinda....I slowed stopped-ish.
"Should I stop? there's freaking cars everywhere!" Is there anyone behind me? Hell if I know!" "There's at least 10 cars to my right making the same left turn much faster than I" ....thoughts running through my head... "I know I wouldn't hit it if I kept going forward." "If I get out will I get smacked from a car behind me? "Will I get run over by my own truck?" "Shit, what do I do!!?"
So judging by the fact I was more concerned with safety...I kept going...missing the bird, and even after going super slow so I could pull to the right into a parking lot to go save the bird....I couldn't get over...hence the other 10 or so vehicles speeding on that same left turn out of wal-mart.......so I went forward to turn left to turn around to go back and save the bird....couldn't really get left either due to freaking five hundred cars. Eventually I got back into the wal mart parking lot, made a u-turn and went back out and turned right to get to where the bird was.....little bird is dead. Son of a bitch.
Now this pisses me off. Not only because I could have simply saved it had I pushed the idea that getting hit in the first place out of my head...but because out of the five hundred other drivers literately parked at the red light....that no one else did anything either. What about the drivers in the lane not even 10 feet from this bird...at least 6 had a clear view. What about the drivers going straight? What about the others turning right? Did everyone fail? We all effing suck. And I hate that we suck and evidently can't rely on anyone else to pull us through our challenges or fears.
And this is what I told the boss man. Yeah, the same boss man waiting with me on the hillside. That same one that sometimes doesn't say a word and it drives me crazy.
thanks for helping out, eh?
"What did the little bird teach you?" so He asks..... Him and His questions....always questions....
That life is messy...and fragile...and chaotic...and heartless...heartfull...and full of fear...and love....just a little bit.
"Where was I?" He asks....
Here on this hilltop....I wanted to blurt out....but no...that would be the wrong answer. We all know where He was. There on the inside....always with us. But I didn't get that awesome memory of Him and His "Take hold" lesson. I didn't remember that "Stand up." order. No, none of that nice happy talk that gets you through the night, but can never get you through the day. Never even thought of Him while this helpless creature paraded with giant metal toys.... what were we thinking of....oh, um, obviously the bird...and getting run over...and frustration that everyone was in my way....and disgust that there was no hope outside of oneself.
So ...here's the lesson... because of this blessed little bird.
Whatever verse you cling to....whatever memory you have, no matter how wonderful...whatever thought, idea, prayer, notion, wish, hope, or dream.....none of that really matters at crunch time. It matters, yes, but not in the moment of challenge.
Do you know what does matter?
Imminent self reliance and self awareness. Being fully there. ... not in your head thinking about getting hit or ran over by your own truck...not thinking about attempting to do something a safer, possibly better way. But only being present.
You know the boss man can't ever be present without us. Well, duh.
So did I say hilltop? Let's move over to that cliff again. Yeah..that one, where we leave this sweet comfortable place of communion and give ourselves over to our own wreckless abandon.
Because where we are, He is too.
So begins a new day, and one day we have to get this right, and one day we will make it to that finish line. ... and I'm far from close to it. I suck. But sometimes little birdies lead us forward..well, up..out..in...whatever...lead us on to new horizons.... and we say farewell to the hilltop set below the stars. Where the boss man speaks with His questions, and fills us with answers, and now we are moving....almost running. Let us begin.
So...what else goes on in my life? Obviously this type of stuff takes up 50% of my day. All this thinking and evolutionizing illumination spiritual growth stuff. The rest is divided between family and work, a little bit of conspiracy theory entertainment, along with analyzing the human condition, pets, housework, and unfortunate issues regarding health and wellness.
Possible new employees, check. Funds in the bank again, check. Sewing orders not death sentences of doom until Tuesday, check. A rather late coming convo with the stressed out hubby, check. A jump from the cliff cause we are going to have to get this self reliance thing mastered, check. Kids are happy, check. Pets are still alive, check. House is full of food, check. Bills are paid, check....except for a check to one of my employees who forgot to remind me to pay her before she went home. :P Sewing prep for the week done, check.
What else... plans for month include work, stuff, this, that, Halloween!, photoshoot!, picking up my chicken (Zaycon foods, real all natural chicken for only $1.39lb...Publix has the same stuff for 7.39lb..I know, because I have to buy it because the regular store kind has lactic acid (milk product juice) on it.) Looking for a refrigerator and a small short deep freezer if anyone knows of a lead. Probably have lots to do tomorrow and this coming week, but for tonight we aren't going to worry about it. Talk to you all later. it is late and I have to help with the girl's costume and then I'm going to bed.
And by the way. The boss man is awesome, even if He sends you little birds which you fail to rescue. :(
Oh...and the new 100 dollar bills show another nuclear missile, and tidal wave/tsunami in a big city.... and I heard somewhere something about a ship in New York Harbor.... hmmm. No one wants to comment on these whacked conspiracy theories?? Lol, dang I wish more people would share thoughts about those.... You all are no fun. :/ Some of you can talk about the Living Dead or Breaking Bad all day, but not anything closer to possible truth. I watch a few dumb reality shows occasionally, and late night talk shows....but these funny people on youtube are more entertaining to me, lol.
yeesh.... it's sooo late.
Guess what? ...... nope, never mind.
Friday, October 4, 2013
hoping for a break
ARGH!!!! So the last $200 cash we had stowed away is gone...well, except for about $1, lol. I hate being broke.
Just sitting here waiting and hoping that hubby gets to go to work tomorrow...as well as like every work day through the rest of the month too. And hoping I sell some easy simple quick sets, cause being broke is no fun. Other than that, having eggs and bananas again is quite nice. Really hoping the renters pay up closer to due date and not after I have to call them...grrr.
While we are at it, I also hope I get 5 orders completed by Monday. I hope unexpected money of substantial amount appears in my mailbox too (yes, that is always awesome!). I hope hubby's paycheck isn't as low as it probably is due to no work half of last week. I hope my fingers get better....(yeah, I sliced one cutting a potato and at least 3 others are nicked from stupid pins from all those appliqued tees I did the other day!). I hope no one orders an appliqued tee for awhile. I hope they won't (or will) get scared away when I raise the prices of those yet again. I hope I can get things prepped and organized for some new possible employees....and I hope they are really good.....but I also hope I have money to pay them, lol. My other 2 employees are awesome, but dang it if I ain't already broke, hahaha. Here's to hoping this is not long lasting. I hope I won't follow in the footsteps of the government, lol. I hope.
But we all know hope is this word that doesn't really do anything for us. We know it is there to fill in a space in a sentence. Its there to appear as if it has something to do with enabling good things to come our way. But does it....well, no, not really. It's more like some term we use to show how powerless we are to the forces surround and controlling our circumstances. Hope is nothing but a word. One void of action. One without cause or complaint. One without value. Hope is in fact not useful.
Hubby's check was not great as expected. And next weeks will now be just as bad. The renters will most likely be late again, and we won't hear from them until after numerous calls....again as expected. As far as sales....I can't rightly post new items until I have a cleared up order list, and etsy is slow to say the least. My fingers will grow back, no big deal. The check in the mail....well, it happens more often than you think. And for employees...I'll see what I can do with that tomorrow.
So hope couldn't affect any of these things. Nope.
So let's move on to better things....what does affect them....what can change them to make them not so irritating?
Simple. Don't let them irritate you.
After all.....it's just money. And everything will be taken care of in time. No worries here, even if they are a pain in the ass. Things will settle and times of better fortune will arrive eventually. When at least one things sells for me, it has been almost like clockwork that I suddenly sell 10 more just after....this always happens....like ALWAYS. Now with employees.....psh...sometimes you get the 'this is totally not going to work out' people....ok much of the time...and then sometimes, you find someone willing to learn and work hard at it and get better. Finding these is worth putting up with the painful experiences of 'searching' for good help. Of course there's still the issue of money to pay them...hmmm...
Now all we have to do is hope that this up and coming comet Ison is going to wreck havoc on the world...or not....and makes a spectacular photograph at least. Sweet. Of course after watching all my crazy people on youtube (whom think that it is the end of the world, lol) I've got to say that people are insane.....and I like it that way. I hope you don't take that the wrong way.
Just sitting here waiting and hoping that hubby gets to go to work tomorrow...as well as like every work day through the rest of the month too. And hoping I sell some easy simple quick sets, cause being broke is no fun. Other than that, having eggs and bananas again is quite nice. Really hoping the renters pay up closer to due date and not after I have to call them...grrr.
While we are at it, I also hope I get 5 orders completed by Monday. I hope unexpected money of substantial amount appears in my mailbox too (yes, that is always awesome!). I hope hubby's paycheck isn't as low as it probably is due to no work half of last week. I hope my fingers get better....(yeah, I sliced one cutting a potato and at least 3 others are nicked from stupid pins from all those appliqued tees I did the other day!). I hope no one orders an appliqued tee for awhile. I hope they won't (or will) get scared away when I raise the prices of those yet again. I hope I can get things prepped and organized for some new possible employees....and I hope they are really good.....but I also hope I have money to pay them, lol. My other 2 employees are awesome, but dang it if I ain't already broke, hahaha. Here's to hoping this is not long lasting. I hope I won't follow in the footsteps of the government, lol. I hope.
But we all know hope is this word that doesn't really do anything for us. We know it is there to fill in a space in a sentence. Its there to appear as if it has something to do with enabling good things to come our way. But does it....well, no, not really. It's more like some term we use to show how powerless we are to the forces surround and controlling our circumstances. Hope is nothing but a word. One void of action. One without cause or complaint. One without value. Hope is in fact not useful.
Hubby's check was not great as expected. And next weeks will now be just as bad. The renters will most likely be late again, and we won't hear from them until after numerous calls....again as expected. As far as sales....I can't rightly post new items until I have a cleared up order list, and etsy is slow to say the least. My fingers will grow back, no big deal. The check in the mail....well, it happens more often than you think. And for employees...I'll see what I can do with that tomorrow.
So hope couldn't affect any of these things. Nope.
So let's move on to better things....what does affect them....what can change them to make them not so irritating?
Simple. Don't let them irritate you.
After all.....it's just money. And everything will be taken care of in time. No worries here, even if they are a pain in the ass. Things will settle and times of better fortune will arrive eventually. When at least one things sells for me, it has been almost like clockwork that I suddenly sell 10 more just after....this always happens....like ALWAYS. Now with employees.....psh...sometimes you get the 'this is totally not going to work out' people....ok much of the time...and then sometimes, you find someone willing to learn and work hard at it and get better. Finding these is worth putting up with the painful experiences of 'searching' for good help. Of course there's still the issue of money to pay them...hmmm...
Now all we have to do is hope that this up and coming comet Ison is going to wreck havoc on the world...or not....and makes a spectacular photograph at least. Sweet. Of course after watching all my crazy people on youtube (whom think that it is the end of the world, lol) I've got to say that people are insane.....and I like it that way. I hope you don't take that the wrong way.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Please don't let me fall.
Let me tell you. Let me tell you. Someone must. Someone must.
Sunset, past sunset, where the stars become brighter, the planets radiate, and the world above is pitch. Atop the mountainside where the tall grass shifts in the breeze. The warm cool breeze of the night. Valleys pouring out before you and other mountains rising above them. Alone again? Alone still? This devastating lingering time of loneliness. But no, oh no. Not alone. Our own blindness shutting our eyes. Our own fears keeping us away from Him. Why can't we ever learn.
Defeating a fear isn't about facing it....not entirely. No, it's about recognizing it, accepting it, and repenting of it....turning it over to Him. These mountains, these towering fears we all climb....climb until they are under our feet.
"Lord?" She asks, or says...perhaps another day where He doesn't speak.
"I'm here." He says. Oh the relief of that voice....how long has it been...even a moment is too long, much too long. That beautiful voice.
"Will you carry me through?" She asked this, knowing she couldn't ever take another step on her own.
He gazes at her, she's sure there will be a yes....but He doesn't miss a beat. "No." He says ever so gently.
Oh how odd it is that she already knows what He means with one word....for she knows she is old enough to walk.
"But I will walk with you." He says as He takes hold of her hand. "We can climb together, side by side, until the mountains are under out feet and we are above the clouds."
Utterly beautiful He is. And we are never alone.
Always searching for answers she is...and so she asks another, before drifting off back to the world of the sleeping life. "I should write more, shouldn't I?" for its been a long time since something had been written.
He knelt down and faced her. "Write about me. Write about the stars....and about the one who holds them." He took her hands in His and cupped them. They were filled with the heavens, and the earth, and the life, and the love. How could we ever be alone.
Yay stories! Very beautiful stories if I do say so myself.
Let's play a defining game... Mountains=fear. Clouds=confusion. Stars=souls. Earth=your body, just fyi.
I'm actually hesitant to write about things that happen anymore. Here in this sleeping life. I really don't think anyone cares anyway. I'm rather forced into a predicament of just suffering in silence. And it's ok really. This sadness and loneliness and stress. It too will pass. Another season will rise, and maybe as the leaves die off, so will these crumbling times. Oh, but beyond the needs of the forefront, there's still this crazy joy....and this is where I'll dwell, until the sun shines again.
Well, it's late, I'm going to bed and hope this pain stops. Always hoping it stops.
Many leaves, one tree... that's what I always say. :) though I think I might be one of the first to fall :(
Sunset, past sunset, where the stars become brighter, the planets radiate, and the world above is pitch. Atop the mountainside where the tall grass shifts in the breeze. The warm cool breeze of the night. Valleys pouring out before you and other mountains rising above them. Alone again? Alone still? This devastating lingering time of loneliness. But no, oh no. Not alone. Our own blindness shutting our eyes. Our own fears keeping us away from Him. Why can't we ever learn.
Defeating a fear isn't about facing it....not entirely. No, it's about recognizing it, accepting it, and repenting of it....turning it over to Him. These mountains, these towering fears we all climb....climb until they are under our feet.
"Lord?" She asks, or says...perhaps another day where He doesn't speak.
"I'm here." He says. Oh the relief of that voice....how long has it been...even a moment is too long, much too long. That beautiful voice.
"Will you carry me through?" She asked this, knowing she couldn't ever take another step on her own.
He gazes at her, she's sure there will be a yes....but He doesn't miss a beat. "No." He says ever so gently.
Oh how odd it is that she already knows what He means with one word....for she knows she is old enough to walk.
"But I will walk with you." He says as He takes hold of her hand. "We can climb together, side by side, until the mountains are under out feet and we are above the clouds."
Utterly beautiful He is. And we are never alone.
Always searching for answers she is...and so she asks another, before drifting off back to the world of the sleeping life. "I should write more, shouldn't I?" for its been a long time since something had been written.
He knelt down and faced her. "Write about me. Write about the stars....and about the one who holds them." He took her hands in His and cupped them. They were filled with the heavens, and the earth, and the life, and the love. How could we ever be alone.
Yay stories! Very beautiful stories if I do say so myself.
Let's play a defining game... Mountains=fear. Clouds=confusion. Stars=souls. Earth=your body, just fyi.
I'm actually hesitant to write about things that happen anymore. Here in this sleeping life. I really don't think anyone cares anyway. I'm rather forced into a predicament of just suffering in silence. And it's ok really. This sadness and loneliness and stress. It too will pass. Another season will rise, and maybe as the leaves die off, so will these crumbling times. Oh, but beyond the needs of the forefront, there's still this crazy joy....and this is where I'll dwell, until the sun shines again.
Well, it's late, I'm going to bed and hope this pain stops. Always hoping it stops.
Many leaves, one tree... that's what I always say. :) though I think I might be one of the first to fall :(
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Nothing no no no.
A quick moment before bedtime. A quick hello from the netherworld. A quick fleeting glimpse of bliss and chaos entwined in a dance.
Took a train ride today. It was nice, although thinking a destination would be better. Somewhere warm and sunny, mixed with smiling faces and great big hugs. Somewhere with children running and clouds drifting effortlessly up above. Somewhere I've once been in a short moment....so short, yet, perhaps relived again and again to where it is unending. That place. Perhaps you too have seen it in a dream, or a vision, or a memory of a life long past. That place, where one day we will retreat to when the storms arise and the winds scream, and we like children crawl into a ball and hide our faces. that place that is our home. Have you not been there? Have you not yet seen it? Felt it?
When Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz kept repeating ..."There's no place like home." She was absolutely right. Nothing is complete and full of every fullness and wholeness and full of the All....then home. And I'm not talking about the house you live in or even the people you share it with. It all that and more....so much more that the word 'more' itself is laughable and cannot define such a place.
So it's been months since trying out this unschooling/homeschooling thing. So far so good. The boy now thinks it is cool that he can do math in his head much easier than it ever was on paper. I think he's actually using math on purpose. This is a nice 'oh cool, unschooling does work for reals' moment. I'm hoping that 'on purpose' ness will bleed over into writing and/or spelling, lol. And vice versa with the girl. I think all those years of math worksheets might have fried that part of love of learning....damn it. But they do say that it takes a month of unschooling to repair a year of schooling/homeschooling...so we shall see when that equals out.
So.....if any of you are business minded people, someone needs to call me or something. I need business input immediately. Things relating to finding people to hire, and magic ways to find money to pay them. Like now. Someone??
It really sucks ass not having friends. Think I'm going to go put on a mask and pretend to be someone else for awhile. My life is actually kind of awesome and blessed and even though craptastic things happen, I love it....but business wise, my real self lacks many aspects of ability to find creative able people willing to work...well, beside my 2 awesome employees. I need like 2-4 more with some skills and determination. Like now. And then I need someone who knows how to advertise photography....because that is much more enjoyable.
I keep hoping for the end of the world...world war 3...economic collapse...zombie apocalypse...spiritual enlightenment...alien invasion......but we all know there's a fat chance of that happening, so I have 26 orders that I will have to do, that's 26 orders....and many of those orders have more than 1 item on the list...and many have more than 3 items....and I freaking need people who can work! Argh.... because I still want to do the market, and I have a free booth to use at another sale if I want, and I have maybe 5 pieces of inventory.....ugh. I'm just 1 person with 2 employees.....and business has grown bigger than us....help.
But yeah, I don't have friends, so I will have to ask the boss man for some insight, and my very good friend for some practical advice, and then maybe the government for a big wad of grant money. Although that still wouldn't help me find employees...would it.
So....anyone having strange dreams lately? I had another one with more German agents of some sort. Not sure if they were military this time, but they were disguising themselves as a different nationality. I don't know, they were bad guys though. In another part of a dream, I dreamt of an earthquake (assuming it was an earthquake) in Oregon. It was listed as a 9.1 and people were screaming and running and the building they were in broke in half. Messed up, I just remember knowing I had to remember what happened to bring it back with me when I woke up. Whatever.
I'm outta here.... I AM T.I.R.E.D.!!! :)
Took a train ride today. It was nice, although thinking a destination would be better. Somewhere warm and sunny, mixed with smiling faces and great big hugs. Somewhere with children running and clouds drifting effortlessly up above. Somewhere I've once been in a short moment....so short, yet, perhaps relived again and again to where it is unending. That place. Perhaps you too have seen it in a dream, or a vision, or a memory of a life long past. That place, where one day we will retreat to when the storms arise and the winds scream, and we like children crawl into a ball and hide our faces. that place that is our home. Have you not been there? Have you not yet seen it? Felt it?
When Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz kept repeating ..."There's no place like home." She was absolutely right. Nothing is complete and full of every fullness and wholeness and full of the All....then home. And I'm not talking about the house you live in or even the people you share it with. It all that and more....so much more that the word 'more' itself is laughable and cannot define such a place.
So it's been months since trying out this unschooling/homeschooling thing. So far so good. The boy now thinks it is cool that he can do math in his head much easier than it ever was on paper. I think he's actually using math on purpose. This is a nice 'oh cool, unschooling does work for reals' moment. I'm hoping that 'on purpose' ness will bleed over into writing and/or spelling, lol. And vice versa with the girl. I think all those years of math worksheets might have fried that part of love of learning....damn it. But they do say that it takes a month of unschooling to repair a year of schooling/homeschooling...so we shall see when that equals out.
So.....if any of you are business minded people, someone needs to call me or something. I need business input immediately. Things relating to finding people to hire, and magic ways to find money to pay them. Like now. Someone??
It really sucks ass not having friends. Think I'm going to go put on a mask and pretend to be someone else for awhile. My life is actually kind of awesome and blessed and even though craptastic things happen, I love it....but business wise, my real self lacks many aspects of ability to find creative able people willing to work...well, beside my 2 awesome employees. I need like 2-4 more with some skills and determination. Like now. And then I need someone who knows how to advertise photography....because that is much more enjoyable.
I keep hoping for the end of the world...world war 3...economic collapse...zombie apocalypse...spiritual enlightenment...alien invasion......but we all know there's a fat chance of that happening, so I have 26 orders that I will have to do, that's 26 orders....and many of those orders have more than 1 item on the list...and many have more than 3 items....and I freaking need people who can work! Argh.... because I still want to do the market, and I have a free booth to use at another sale if I want, and I have maybe 5 pieces of inventory.....ugh. I'm just 1 person with 2 employees.....and business has grown bigger than us....help.
But yeah, I don't have friends, so I will have to ask the boss man for some insight, and my very good friend for some practical advice, and then maybe the government for a big wad of grant money. Although that still wouldn't help me find employees...would it.
So....anyone having strange dreams lately? I had another one with more German agents of some sort. Not sure if they were military this time, but they were disguising themselves as a different nationality. I don't know, they were bad guys though. In another part of a dream, I dreamt of an earthquake (assuming it was an earthquake) in Oregon. It was listed as a 9.1 and people were screaming and running and the building they were in broke in half. Messed up, I just remember knowing I had to remember what happened to bring it back with me when I woke up. Whatever.
I'm outta here.... I AM T.I.R.E.D.!!! :)
Friday, August 9, 2013
Somewhere...beyond the sea....
"Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under
And it's peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under all
And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me"
Welcome. This is where you will find a piece....although the puzzle is scattered and partly hidden under the film of fear. So easy to break through. So easy to see through if one could perceive such miracles. Today is rebirthed...and tomorrow is forever. There's no going back, although one could forget.....we always forget. But we travel on the tides, on and on. Deeper and deeper. No, not till we find our place...our place is the ocean as a whole....we always belong, even if the roaring waves aren't too sure of that peace.
Just keep swimming....just keep swimming. Today we swim....tomorrow we exit. Like sugar poured in water....never leaving....only fading into something better.
Much going on. Too much. Busy Busy Busy. All the 'little things' suffering under the weight of the 'immediate'....or in my case...the 'immediate' suffering under the weight of the 'little things'. But priorities have been arranged....and its much less regretful to let those immediate things wait, then to miss even one little thing.....for the little things are what really matter anyway. And you already know that, I hope.
Long list of work, short list of other things that need done. But everything on these lists are trumped by warm coffee, rescuing giant spiders who lost their way inside the house, an over creative child who must have that costume item sewn NOW!, a cat that tells you when his 'mommy holding time' is, a hubby who need guidance in the best way to do whatever it is he may be doing, and the little boy whose not so little anymore who wants a grilled cheese 'like right now' even if you are in bed trying to sleep, the other cat that must inform you that his food bowl is again not full enough for him to only take 3 bites, obsessive urges to do strange photoshoots, and this problem that you are stuck on level 170 something on Candy Crush and since you only have 5 lives anyway, you might as well take advantage of it......all this prior to humoring that list, lol.
Welcome to my life scenario at the moment.
All of those little things accompanied by larger things that still outweigh the list as well...like finances or lack of such things, the headache of renting a house that is far away, injury and/or health issues, other stuff that isn't on that list, and these things just keep going. So those immediate things suffer....and thankfully the boss man is good at filling in the gaps and helps get things done.....I'm certainly doing a bang up job. psh!
Anyway.....Things are beautiful...always.
And it's over
And I'm going under
But I'm not giving up
I'm just giving in
I'm slipping underneath
So cold and so sweet
And the arms of the ocean so sweet and so cold
And all this devotion I never knew at all
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner released
And the arms of the ocean delivered me
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under
And it's peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under all
And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me"
Welcome. This is where you will find a piece....although the puzzle is scattered and partly hidden under the film of fear. So easy to break through. So easy to see through if one could perceive such miracles. Today is rebirthed...and tomorrow is forever. There's no going back, although one could forget.....we always forget. But we travel on the tides, on and on. Deeper and deeper. No, not till we find our place...our place is the ocean as a whole....we always belong, even if the roaring waves aren't too sure of that peace.
Just keep swimming....just keep swimming. Today we swim....tomorrow we exit. Like sugar poured in water....never leaving....only fading into something better.
Much going on. Too much. Busy Busy Busy. All the 'little things' suffering under the weight of the 'immediate'....or in my case...the 'immediate' suffering under the weight of the 'little things'. But priorities have been arranged....and its much less regretful to let those immediate things wait, then to miss even one little thing.....for the little things are what really matter anyway. And you already know that, I hope.
Long list of work, short list of other things that need done. But everything on these lists are trumped by warm coffee, rescuing giant spiders who lost their way inside the house, an over creative child who must have that costume item sewn NOW!, a cat that tells you when his 'mommy holding time' is, a hubby who need guidance in the best way to do whatever it is he may be doing, and the little boy whose not so little anymore who wants a grilled cheese 'like right now' even if you are in bed trying to sleep, the other cat that must inform you that his food bowl is again not full enough for him to only take 3 bites, obsessive urges to do strange photoshoots, and this problem that you are stuck on level 170 something on Candy Crush and since you only have 5 lives anyway, you might as well take advantage of it......all this prior to humoring that list, lol.
Welcome to my life scenario at the moment.
All of those little things accompanied by larger things that still outweigh the list as well...like finances or lack of such things, the headache of renting a house that is far away, injury and/or health issues, other stuff that isn't on that list, and these things just keep going. So those immediate things suffer....and thankfully the boss man is good at filling in the gaps and helps get things done.....I'm certainly doing a bang up job. psh!
Anyway.....Things are beautiful...always.
And it's over
And I'm going under
But I'm not giving up
I'm just giving in
I'm slipping underneath
So cold and so sweet
And the arms of the ocean so sweet and so cold
And all this devotion I never knew at all
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner released
And the arms of the ocean delivered me
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Holy "....." Batman! O__O Look at that.....just look at that.
I no longer think that I'm the problem. Nope. It's not me who is unwilling nor unable. Perhaps a slight lack of focus and energy, but not my fault.
You see...there are signs along the road. Things leading you to 'do' a certain task of sorts. You see them daily, these synchronicities...coincidences per say. And you know they are sign posts. But...to complete these tasks, one must pick up the tools along the road that aid in the completion of such tasks.
Someone is hiding these tools, I do believe. So we must go on little hunts, little challenges to gather these tools. All the whole trying our best to continue forward on the road itself! To not forget the signs while we search for the things that help us do what the signs are leading us to do! Get that?
Ah, yes...the wicked angel playing his tricks, trying to deter you from doing something important. Hiding tools in along the roadside, in the bushes, burying them to keep them out of view....trying his best to lead you into doubt. Trying to make you forget. Trying to make it harder so you become frustrated and curse the signs.
Ah...yes, but I know this game well. You may try to come through the back door, but you can't win this game. Ya see....I have all the cheat codes.
It may take me a bit to remember which game I'm playing, I admit, I suffer from a serious form of spiritual amnesia. But once I get that figured out, or remembered. I still win. Hope you had your fun while it lasted. Bye bye now.
Did I tell you? I decided to scrap a whole outfit and make a new one, since the first wasn't making me all happy. I have 2 more days to get it finished. O__O
It is cut out. I did prep all the appliques for it today as well. Will sew it up tomorrow, and hopefully get the appliques sewn on it too. then Sunday I can finish it up. And ship Monday.
It would be so nice if for once things worked out like they could.
Sometimes they do though. Yep, sometimes they do.
I'm going to call that little rotten one who hides 'tools' and complicates important work mr.J ...which stands for the Joker....Jester....Fool....Jealous Loser when he loses this game! Ha!
Want to know what he's up to? He's making things like red food dye hard to find in the store! But tis okay, Batman has provided and brought it to me via mom.
mr.J likes to make something simple like a old baby blanket (or something that looks like one (and can get stained) not available. But tis okay. Batman will save the day yet again. Just need to shine the signal, lift our eyes up, and let Him handle it.
Then I can do that 'task' those signs are leading me to do.
Of course though....mr.J will send his minions out to try and sabotage my efforts, probably get some negative feedback (I'm expecting this actually), and attempt to inject fear or doubt into this process.
Ah yes....but Batman is on speed dial. And He's already given me the cheat codes. Sorry mr.J, we haven't even started and you've already lost.
So the other day was rather insightful. there's this unschooling facebook group I linger on occasionally. And one lady on there posted something that to me was quite insightful..........
"part of unschooling us grownups is addressing the mental tapes we have left over - things like "being productive" and "not wasting time/money" and "earning what you get" and "following through". We can do things just because we want to, because it looks interesting, and stop if it no longer meets a need/want. We can get/explore things we want when we want and if there's money involved, figure out how to get it rather than having to wait for a holiday or something to 'earn' it. Basically, treating ourselves as gently and lovingly as we do our kids and encouraging our own passions within ourselves no matter what it might be. It's getting ourselves one of those balsa gliders at the fair even though we know they have a lifespan of maybe an hour of use (instead of letting the tape of 'it'll break in an hour, it's a waste of money' rule)."
........... I suffer from this type of trauma. This dialogue of thinking things must 'produce' something to be of worth. but in fact, things can just 'be' and be beautiful. Not everything has to have purpose. Even if we 'feel' lacking on the scale of productivity or purpose or meaning.... doesn't mean we are lacking at all. Perhaps more full. ... the cup that runneth over.... we are just getting wet and aren't sure where to pour out upon. Silly cups. I'm pretty sure someone is thirsty, but we might just be blinded by the bubbles. So fill up, then pour out gently upon the parched earth.
God bless my very good friend. Just saying.
Dang....it's late (or early depending how you look at it O__O!!)
Sleep is needed. Praying for all you people. mr.J likes to mess with everyone.... Batman can fix that. Just ask Him to....ya know, send out the signal...yada yada, you know the drill.
You see...there are signs along the road. Things leading you to 'do' a certain task of sorts. You see them daily, these synchronicities...coincidences per say. And you know they are sign posts. But...to complete these tasks, one must pick up the tools along the road that aid in the completion of such tasks.
Someone is hiding these tools, I do believe. So we must go on little hunts, little challenges to gather these tools. All the whole trying our best to continue forward on the road itself! To not forget the signs while we search for the things that help us do what the signs are leading us to do! Get that?
Ah, yes...the wicked angel playing his tricks, trying to deter you from doing something important. Hiding tools in along the roadside, in the bushes, burying them to keep them out of view....trying his best to lead you into doubt. Trying to make you forget. Trying to make it harder so you become frustrated and curse the signs.
Ah...yes, but I know this game well. You may try to come through the back door, but you can't win this game. Ya see....I have all the cheat codes.
It may take me a bit to remember which game I'm playing, I admit, I suffer from a serious form of spiritual amnesia. But once I get that figured out, or remembered. I still win. Hope you had your fun while it lasted. Bye bye now.
Did I tell you? I decided to scrap a whole outfit and make a new one, since the first wasn't making me all happy. I have 2 more days to get it finished. O__O
It is cut out. I did prep all the appliques for it today as well. Will sew it up tomorrow, and hopefully get the appliques sewn on it too. then Sunday I can finish it up. And ship Monday.
It would be so nice if for once things worked out like they could.
Sometimes they do though. Yep, sometimes they do.
I'm going to call that little rotten one who hides 'tools' and complicates important work mr.J ...which stands for the Joker....Jester....Fool....Jealous Loser when he loses this game! Ha!
Want to know what he's up to? He's making things like red food dye hard to find in the store! But tis okay, Batman has provided and brought it to me via mom.
mr.J likes to make something simple like a old baby blanket (or something that looks like one (and can get stained) not available. But tis okay. Batman will save the day yet again. Just need to shine the signal, lift our eyes up, and let Him handle it.
Then I can do that 'task' those signs are leading me to do.
Of course though....mr.J will send his minions out to try and sabotage my efforts, probably get some negative feedback (I'm expecting this actually), and attempt to inject fear or doubt into this process.
Ah yes....but Batman is on speed dial. And He's already given me the cheat codes. Sorry mr.J, we haven't even started and you've already lost.
So the other day was rather insightful. there's this unschooling facebook group I linger on occasionally. And one lady on there posted something that to me was quite insightful..........
"part of unschooling us grownups is addressing the mental tapes we have left over - things like "being productive" and "not wasting time/money" and "earning what you get" and "following through". We can do things just because we want to, because it looks interesting, and stop if it no longer meets a need/want. We can get/explore things we want when we want and if there's money involved, figure out how to get it rather than having to wait for a holiday or something to 'earn' it. Basically, treating ourselves as gently and lovingly as we do our kids and encouraging our own passions within ourselves no matter what it might be. It's getting ourselves one of those balsa gliders at the fair even though we know they have a lifespan of maybe an hour of use (instead of letting the tape of 'it'll break in an hour, it's a waste of money' rule)."
........... I suffer from this type of trauma. This dialogue of thinking things must 'produce' something to be of worth. but in fact, things can just 'be' and be beautiful. Not everything has to have purpose. Even if we 'feel' lacking on the scale of productivity or purpose or meaning.... doesn't mean we are lacking at all. Perhaps more full. ... the cup that runneth over.... we are just getting wet and aren't sure where to pour out upon. Silly cups. I'm pretty sure someone is thirsty, but we might just be blinded by the bubbles. So fill up, then pour out gently upon the parched earth.
God bless my very good friend. Just saying.
Dang....it's late (or early depending how you look at it O__O!!)
Sleep is needed. Praying for all you people. mr.J likes to mess with everyone.... Batman can fix that. Just ask Him to....ya know, send out the signal...yada yada, you know the drill.
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