do you know me? do you think you know me? just go away.
none of you really know me.
i'm all muddled in thoughts...so muddled its kinda clear.
this is what happens when rocks really are no longer rocks to rely upon, but pebbles that like to roll away and leave you without anything to rest your head on.
rocks that are rolling stones...rolling on top of you.
i can't hold you up. i'm dying under here.
and i'm not the regular everyday person. i can't speak the way everyone else speaks. i can't say the average things everyone else says. i can't look the way everyone else looks. I can't like the same things or do the same things, or represent the same things.
i catch myself when i feel i've said something someone else didn't understand, too embarrassed to repeat it.
you've made me ashamed of speaking....everything about me is wrong. thank god.
i've successfully became rejected by the world. thank god.
and i don't care about the big things and i care too much for the little things, and most of what i truly care about isn't anything you can see. i'm rather fearless and passionate, but i'm fragile and sometimes get lost. i miss people who probably don't remember me. i miss people whom i haven't even met in this life. i miss people whom i have met but don't talk to me. and even if they do it doesn't matter, i'm bad at communicating.
i'm entranced by people who i know 'knows' me, even if they never admit it. i try to look for those people i miss. but if i saw them i wouldn't say anything....because what i speak never says what i say..... seems there's a glitch from my heart to the sound waves. no one can fix it. i hope those people i miss whom i never met in this life show up sometimes before its over, or at least when it is over.
my people just didn't come with me this time. and this is what makes me feel lonely.
negative energy literately hurts, but no one believes me. they cause it anyway. medicines numb your soul, yet they take them anyway. money steals your joy, yet we want it anyway.
curse this land. i want to go home. i want us all to go home.
do you want to hear a story? of course you do, and i will be sure to avoid capitalization and correct punctuation while i tell it. ok.
Once upon a time i traveled down this long hallway....at the end of this hallway was a trap door on the floor. upon opening it, i descended downward on a spiral staircase....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...the seventh step where a door was in my midst....there were many doors on the stairway that went downward....but i can't remember what was in each of them....but inside each there was someone there to meet, whom then would give me s gift, and then introduce me to their wife.
so there was 1, which i entered into....there he was waiting. simplistic and humble. rather plain and quiet, not as gratifying as many other times. he handed me a small treasure chest. inside this chest was a large and very beautiful emerald gem, polished and gleaming in this dark room. greener than green....almost like the grass in the heavenly garden. what was this for?
he didn't say anything....so i asked to meet his wife.
there was this rushing of light and energy...this feeling...not possible to explain.. it flooded the entire room and moved in and out of us both....colors like a rainbow, waves of love and the unending joy rushing through....she was us...all together....everyone...everything. like a dance....one a part of the other.
so after this rather strange journey, come to find out that an emerald has many meanings....like faith, healing... we do need these type of gifts, do we not? .... and today.... even after my last posting of our impending dance... he brings me more gifts.... the rainbow of light and the gems in the treasure chest.... the second witness that confirms that my insane spirit trips are not unmeaningful, but rather gifts in themselves. gathering his treasures....and pouring them out upon us.
an incredible life this is. our remembering and our reunion over and over again. and it has nothing to do with us alone...but all of us together.
Intriguing, no?
i highly doubt you have any clue what i talk about....and thats ok...but keep in mind it frustrates me to know that i can't find anyone in the same chapter....i do read fast i guess, and pay the price for it quite often. this distance leads to that feeling of aloneness even if i know my people are out there (in here) somewhere. most of the time i manage quite well. and then there are days like this where i wonder if it's really me who cares or if its just human girl issues trying to steal my focus. whatever.
I also think it has to do with frequency and sound waves and energy...but i'm not a scientist and really don't have time to delve into matters such as that.
time.... i think that is a rare thing of late. i need to stay off the computer for awhile since no one talks to me anyway.... and i wasted the whole day and did not sew and did not do anything deemed as productive. I did help the girl get fur for her business and watched a sappy movie, i did watch the video about the treasure chest stuff (freaky! but i love it) i did cook dinner, i did successfully manage to hate the way i talk too....probably that was a bit counter productive... :( and now i just don't like anyone least of all myself. thank you for that dose of non-confidence.
i do however love my hubby, and my kids, and thinking of undoing something....but i'm not sure yet.
tomorrow will be better yes?
of course it will.... the ballroom is ready
Monday, December 9, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Sandblasting your mind.
Sometimes....truth is found not in the adding of something new...but the peeling away of the old.
Strange how these things come to you, these tidbits that make you go 'huh'. Things you always really knew, but perhaps covered in layers of the grime that you were fed while still young. And they stick....well, perhaps we should really say that they remain, while the not so true ideals get scraped onto the ground.
But we knew all this already don't we?
And now where do we find ourselves? Maybe not you...no, there's not many people I know where I can say us...now is there? But it should be 'us'.....but you are still sleeping. They all are still sleeping....and the few I've seen are off in distant lands...although they are already part of the 'us'.
Wake up, wake up.
Waiting isn't as convenient and calm as we hoped. Step out of your slumber....out of the chaos and prison built around you. It's almost time and you will miss the ship. I don't want you to miss it, none of us do. You are one of us too, but you are still sleeping. Wake up.
So there's these 6 orders left....sewing wise that is. These 6 accumulate to 16 items. Not too bad. Only the fact that they still need done.
But see...there's this problem..... this tug o' war of necessity of completing them and the necessity of doing what 'needs' to be done....those things you already know, those truths...and aren't they more important. Oh the joys of prioritizing and scrapping the old ways and taking on new skins. Let it be so.
This is sure to be an amazing experience. Let it be so.
Oh, and the boss man. That great great awesome person I know....He and I are on the verge of a wonderful dance. And I'm rather nervous to tell you the truth.
In other worldly news besides sewing work....I'm editing photos (in a few minutes I will be anyway). I'm searching for some much needed relief in financial affairs, but we all know, everyone in the country is shopping for christmas...and they won't shop for disney stuff or boutique stuff until after then. I'm hoping to get my mini laptop induced with my writing program so I can start book 3! I'm also going to use this more available down time to work on that re-prioritizing plan. I'm sure there will be complaints at first, until those amazing things start happening of course.
I'm trying to remain aloof regarding other more pressing issues. Which is fine for now, but those of course will need to be dealt with soon. Think I'll let them just take care of themselves this time around.
Not much else to say. I've got to go redo my agenda list, then work on pics. Later chumpies of green flora power. We'll miss you... "How long will I love you? - As long as there are stars above you."
Strange how these things come to you, these tidbits that make you go 'huh'. Things you always really knew, but perhaps covered in layers of the grime that you were fed while still young. And they stick....well, perhaps we should really say that they remain, while the not so true ideals get scraped onto the ground.
But we knew all this already don't we?
And now where do we find ourselves? Maybe not you...no, there's not many people I know where I can say us...now is there? But it should be 'us'.....but you are still sleeping. They all are still sleeping....and the few I've seen are off in distant lands...although they are already part of the 'us'.
Wake up, wake up.
Waiting isn't as convenient and calm as we hoped. Step out of your slumber....out of the chaos and prison built around you. It's almost time and you will miss the ship. I don't want you to miss it, none of us do. You are one of us too, but you are still sleeping. Wake up.
So there's these 6 orders left....sewing wise that is. These 6 accumulate to 16 items. Not too bad. Only the fact that they still need done.
But see...there's this problem..... this tug o' war of necessity of completing them and the necessity of doing what 'needs' to be done....those things you already know, those truths...and aren't they more important. Oh the joys of prioritizing and scrapping the old ways and taking on new skins. Let it be so.
This is sure to be an amazing experience. Let it be so.
Oh, and the boss man. That great great awesome person I know....He and I are on the verge of a wonderful dance. And I'm rather nervous to tell you the truth.
In other worldly news besides sewing work....I'm editing photos (in a few minutes I will be anyway). I'm searching for some much needed relief in financial affairs, but we all know, everyone in the country is shopping for christmas...and they won't shop for disney stuff or boutique stuff until after then. I'm hoping to get my mini laptop induced with my writing program so I can start book 3! I'm also going to use this more available down time to work on that re-prioritizing plan. I'm sure there will be complaints at first, until those amazing things start happening of course.
I'm trying to remain aloof regarding other more pressing issues. Which is fine for now, but those of course will need to be dealt with soon. Think I'll let them just take care of themselves this time around.
Not much else to say. I've got to go redo my agenda list, then work on pics. Later chumpies of green flora power. We'll miss you... "How long will I love you? - As long as there are stars above you."
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Sky diving into something better than here
hahahahaha! I love this....and hate it....this cliff jumping hobby of mine....especially that part where you seem to be watching yourself get closer and closer to the ground below. Always that 'back-of-your-mind' this is going to hurt idea when you can just about see the small pebbles of earth just below you.....and coming up so so very fast.
Many times I suppose we cringe and flee at that moment when we fear the imminent death of 'something' and never quite go through with our plans. The changing of our mind after we already have jumped and the ground isn't stopping, we are not flying, and there's no one here to catch us moments....this cursed double eyed syndrome....the idea that we made a mistake even if we never followed through with the plan in the first place...this pre-judgement so to speak.
Not this time. This is where the little green emerald starts to gleam....this is where we accept that the ground might possibly hurt. This is where we refuse to flee, even though we can't help cringing on the fall. This is where we trust that there is no ground....only more space. We are determined to crash through the walls of any box we may or may not see....even if it hurts. Let us fall. In fact, let us dive like superman and gain more momentum to find out what this cliff jumping thing is all about.
Perhaps we have a bungee cord. Perhaps we are made of rubber and bounce. Perhaps we break open the earth and that is where we need to be....there within...that place where we can slay the demons. There....because that is where He is too.
Well.....I can't write much on certain issues, as they require silence. But I will skim the top to say that doctors are absolutely whacked....at least one for sure. That certain people are very deceiving and untrustworthy and no, I will not feel sorry for them except that they just don't realize how much better it could be for them if they choose something better for themselves. That money is indeed a tool and its hard to do certain jobs without said tools. among other things....who really cares though.
More stuff to do tomorrow, so I have to go to sleep.
But if you are reading this and you're not family (or a customer, i loves you too!)....you suck. And I will tell you why when I feel like it.
how's that for grumpy....hahaha.....
That reminds me of a song I heard before, some kid song..."If you're gonna be grumpy, well, that's ok, but could you be grumpy a little further away...".... which I tell the wonderful girl twelve year old, often enough :)
you know what...I made cinnamon rolls tonight, I think I might go eat one.... (another one)
Many times I suppose we cringe and flee at that moment when we fear the imminent death of 'something' and never quite go through with our plans. The changing of our mind after we already have jumped and the ground isn't stopping, we are not flying, and there's no one here to catch us moments....this cursed double eyed syndrome....the idea that we made a mistake even if we never followed through with the plan in the first place...this pre-judgement so to speak.
Not this time. This is where the little green emerald starts to gleam....this is where we accept that the ground might possibly hurt. This is where we refuse to flee, even though we can't help cringing on the fall. This is where we trust that there is no ground....only more space. We are determined to crash through the walls of any box we may or may not see....even if it hurts. Let us fall. In fact, let us dive like superman and gain more momentum to find out what this cliff jumping thing is all about.
Perhaps we have a bungee cord. Perhaps we are made of rubber and bounce. Perhaps we break open the earth and that is where we need to be....there within...that place where we can slay the demons. There....because that is where He is too.
Well.....I can't write much on certain issues, as they require silence. But I will skim the top to say that doctors are absolutely whacked....at least one for sure. That certain people are very deceiving and untrustworthy and no, I will not feel sorry for them except that they just don't realize how much better it could be for them if they choose something better for themselves. That money is indeed a tool and its hard to do certain jobs without said tools. among other things....who really cares though.
More stuff to do tomorrow, so I have to go to sleep.
But if you are reading this and you're not family (or a customer, i loves you too!)....you suck. And I will tell you why when I feel like it.
how's that for grumpy....hahaha.....
That reminds me of a song I heard before, some kid song..."If you're gonna be grumpy, well, that's ok, but could you be grumpy a little further away...".... which I tell the wonderful girl twelve year old, often enough :)
you know what...I made cinnamon rolls tonight, I think I might go eat one.... (another one)
Friday, November 22, 2013
One eye at a time....... but always the same eye...the other one is an ass.
Well hello.
What was that again about me jumping off that cliff....? This has been quite an extraordinary experience thus far, and things of unique perspective are compressing rather quickly into this feeble mind of mine. I should write WOW! because that is what it is...but also GRRR! or OMG! or ......! or WTF? or holy crap! among other things. Very interesting and involving and I have learned many new ways of looking at things.
Now there's this problem of being lost that is at times overwhelming, if not underwhelming. Times of considering doing a mind dump, times of frustration, times of doubt and uncertainty...as if we could ever be certain. Times of knowing that knowing is never going to come to completion. Times of nothing having meaning, to everything having meaning. This unending turmoil of having 2 eyes. Damn having 2 eyes, when being a cyclops would be what we should be aiming for.....assuming we aim for the eye that looks within.
So what does this mean....this means I have had more to write than I have time to write. More to say without more to listen. There's been this annoying gnawing dilemma of knowledge that I think I've lost a friend. Maybe intuition on part, as I try to overlook things, but I'm feeling that feeling to where it just isn't all that great in the matter. If I just could add to this....I've lost many things since this deliberate lunge into the sky. The boss man.....my boss man. He's watching....that silent look. The one where I can feel the stare, but I can't see the face....there is no longer a face and this is enough to drive me mad, in both ways....crazy, angry....whatever. We've had a discussion....and since these new bits of incredible wisdoms have come my way, I know this insane separation won't be forever....but better....always better. My very good friend is ever present though...hooray!
So, besides this crazy whirlwind which I have a love/hate relationship with, and besides the losing of a friend (I guess), I've gained one, and this is an awesome turn of events. I hope when the whirlwind ride is over, I can keep the friend.
Ok, other news besides ramblings in my brain to which you really have no clue to what I'm saying....
I'm out of money and this is no fun. Sometimes I complain I'm broke, but that really just meant that I didn't have money to spend on something extra....and now I'm thinking I was being to egocentric and selfish. I apologize and am currently working on this aspect of myself. This lesson is indeed a main point to this leg of the journey of falling into the sky as stated above. Hard, yes. Difficult, annoying, harsh, painful....oh yes. Necessary....definitely. I shall accept this challenge.
Of course, now I'm really really broke....and it's at the point of being achingly terrible and pleasantly peaceful at the same time. ...what was I saying about 2 eyes again?.... another love/hate relationship. Fixing to close one eye, because I know this is just part of the experience.
Let's see.....I have sewing work to do...of course, and successfully killed my sewing machine the other day. (This one lasted the longest so far! I'm proud of it!) And now have utilized the new one. We are getting to know each other still and right now we stand at a 'I like when you work correctly' relationship, otherwise...I can't really get mad since it's been sitting in my closet for a year.
Luckily my order list isn't as oppressive as it once was, yet, I still feel swamped mentally. I haven't gotten any new orders yet in a while either, which always puts me in fret mode, but then again, I haven't had a sale or listed new things or told everyone I was open for orders....because really I would like to one day get finished with current orders so I can do absolutely nothing for 3 days. As we all know, that on the 4th day...I will want to sew...and what I sew will be amazing. Yes, yes it will be.
My laptop is still somewhere trying to get fixed...and book 3 is eating at me.....I don't like writing on this computer because I can't relax in bed :/ someone needs to hurry up.....though I don't really know who has it, lol.
Anyway....I don't have much to share besides more otherworldly ideologies. Nothing about god or Jesus or death or very good friends or aliens or end of the world stuff or dreams....
Cyclops? did I really write that, hahaha....I like Wolverine better.
Vacation next week! Not looking forward to the drive, but I get to sees me family, and drag everyone out for a photoshoot!!! I hope it doesn't rain... O__O !!! And yes, I'm still obsessed with photo taking fun. Things have picked up about 10% from last year...so we shall see where this leads....but no, I'm not ready to jump off any more cliffs for awhile...I'm still falling from the last time....have to get my feet back on the ground first. Regain that sense of purpose and assured-ness.
So, well, it's 4:23am....I've got to go to sleep peeps. Later, maybe I can be more in depth and detailed for you next time....not going to hold your hand to walk you through my storm until you understand...I don't care if you understand....but maybe I can share insight....with that 1 eye instead of 2. ;)
Don't suffer your host, have pity that she gave herself up for you.
Cover thine eyes and let thy sights be set upon the winds of thine heart. Time folds upon the lives and light ripples through the cosmos, still we shall hear the sounds and dance within the memories of thy kingdom.
What was that again about me jumping off that cliff....? This has been quite an extraordinary experience thus far, and things of unique perspective are compressing rather quickly into this feeble mind of mine. I should write WOW! because that is what it is...but also GRRR! or OMG! or ......! or WTF? or holy crap! among other things. Very interesting and involving and I have learned many new ways of looking at things.
Now there's this problem of being lost that is at times overwhelming, if not underwhelming. Times of considering doing a mind dump, times of frustration, times of doubt and uncertainty...as if we could ever be certain. Times of knowing that knowing is never going to come to completion. Times of nothing having meaning, to everything having meaning. This unending turmoil of having 2 eyes. Damn having 2 eyes, when being a cyclops would be what we should be aiming for.....assuming we aim for the eye that looks within.
So what does this mean....this means I have had more to write than I have time to write. More to say without more to listen. There's been this annoying gnawing dilemma of knowledge that I think I've lost a friend. Maybe intuition on part, as I try to overlook things, but I'm feeling that feeling to where it just isn't all that great in the matter. If I just could add to this....I've lost many things since this deliberate lunge into the sky. The boss man.....my boss man. He's watching....that silent look. The one where I can feel the stare, but I can't see the face....there is no longer a face and this is enough to drive me mad, in both ways....crazy, angry....whatever. We've had a discussion....and since these new bits of incredible wisdoms have come my way, I know this insane separation won't be forever....but better....always better. My very good friend is ever present though...hooray!
So, besides this crazy whirlwind which I have a love/hate relationship with, and besides the losing of a friend (I guess), I've gained one, and this is an awesome turn of events. I hope when the whirlwind ride is over, I can keep the friend.
Ok, other news besides ramblings in my brain to which you really have no clue to what I'm saying....
I'm out of money and this is no fun. Sometimes I complain I'm broke, but that really just meant that I didn't have money to spend on something extra....and now I'm thinking I was being to egocentric and selfish. I apologize and am currently working on this aspect of myself. This lesson is indeed a main point to this leg of the journey of falling into the sky as stated above. Hard, yes. Difficult, annoying, harsh, painful....oh yes. Necessary....definitely. I shall accept this challenge.
Of course, now I'm really really broke....and it's at the point of being achingly terrible and pleasantly peaceful at the same time. ...what was I saying about 2 eyes again?.... another love/hate relationship. Fixing to close one eye, because I know this is just part of the experience.
Let's see.....I have sewing work to do...of course, and successfully killed my sewing machine the other day. (This one lasted the longest so far! I'm proud of it!) And now have utilized the new one. We are getting to know each other still and right now we stand at a 'I like when you work correctly' relationship, otherwise...I can't really get mad since it's been sitting in my closet for a year.
Luckily my order list isn't as oppressive as it once was, yet, I still feel swamped mentally. I haven't gotten any new orders yet in a while either, which always puts me in fret mode, but then again, I haven't had a sale or listed new things or told everyone I was open for orders....because really I would like to one day get finished with current orders so I can do absolutely nothing for 3 days. As we all know, that on the 4th day...I will want to sew...and what I sew will be amazing. Yes, yes it will be.
My laptop is still somewhere trying to get fixed...and book 3 is eating at me.....I don't like writing on this computer because I can't relax in bed :/ someone needs to hurry up.....though I don't really know who has it, lol.
Anyway....I don't have much to share besides more otherworldly ideologies. Nothing about god or Jesus or death or very good friends or aliens or end of the world stuff or dreams....
Cyclops? did I really write that, hahaha....I like Wolverine better.
Vacation next week! Not looking forward to the drive, but I get to sees me family, and drag everyone out for a photoshoot!!! I hope it doesn't rain... O__O !!! And yes, I'm still obsessed with photo taking fun. Things have picked up about 10% from last year...so we shall see where this leads....but no, I'm not ready to jump off any more cliffs for awhile...I'm still falling from the last time....have to get my feet back on the ground first. Regain that sense of purpose and assured-ness.
So, well, it's 4:23am....I've got to go to sleep peeps. Later, maybe I can be more in depth and detailed for you next time....not going to hold your hand to walk you through my storm until you understand...I don't care if you understand....but maybe I can share insight....with that 1 eye instead of 2. ;)
Don't suffer your host, have pity that she gave herself up for you.
Cover thine eyes and let thy sights be set upon the winds of thine heart. Time folds upon the lives and light ripples through the cosmos, still we shall hear the sounds and dance within the memories of thy kingdom.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Can you tell this is a bit disgruntled?
It's late, as usual, and not much time to throw out some words your way. Much time consuming feats have been the jist of the month/year/day/hour. Not much of relaxation or getting to live life, more than just living through it. We will have to work on that.
Feeling disgruntled today. Disgruntled at the human population who are worthless and those who never want to better themselves. Namely people whom seem to find their way to rent from us. Idiots. I do hope they discover the living wholesome life sometime before rotting into the depths of filth from being idiots. Not sure how we end up with these type of people, but good gosh it really needs to stop.
Disgruntled at issues involving cash flow. Not that money is all that great....but it is so much better than not having it. Disgruntled at the 'system' of society and all it's wily ways, all its tricks and deceptions, all its filth.
Disgruntled that the one, maybe 2 people I'm looking for are not being very cooperative. Disgruntled that even talking to one of them seems to be an ongoing challenge, and it shouldn't be. Disgruntled that this leap off the cliff is proving to be a tedious venture to which the ending is hidden. As are things like, the path, the signs, the sunlight...oh just about everything.
I guess this is where that stuff they call faith should kick in....but that word is lame. Poor letters trying to hold up a great deed. Let's change it to something more appealing. Because the eyes are the only thing that can still see at the moment....how about resolve. Maybe, idk. One of those, I chose this so now I have to follow through kind of things. Yeah, close enough even if the word still sounds lame.
Had some messed up dreams lately. There were two I can remember that might be worthwhile.....
One was with Obama...(ugh) he was sitting across from me in a chair (like an interview of some sort) talking talking talking....about something or another, none of it was actually answering the questions he was given. And I remember just giving up trying to get answers from him and I leaned over (like little old ladies do) and patted his knee. I said "Don't you worry, everything will be just fine." ..... I knew whatever plans he had were going to fail in the long run. I knew he would fall no matter what grand schemes he had set up. He's a loser, we already know who wins.
The other one was weird, but I liked it because Vin Diesel was in it and he's my adopted brother :) --, anyway we all (the fam) were in a large grocery store without a roof (I think), but many of the items on the shelves were gone. We were checking every aisle to try and find things we needed. Vin was in the same store and I was happy to meet him. We said hi then went on our way shopping. After awhile, for some reason it ended up with me and the boy on the other side of the store (there was a small lake here, and trees, but the aisles were on the other side of the lake.) and it was night all of a sudden....I looked and there was a solar eclipse happening (in the dream I thought it was a lunar eclipse, since it was dark out) and I remember sitting down so we both could see the eclipse from behind the trees. It had a black center with a golden ring all the way around it perfectly. I was pointing at it so the boy could see too. I remember thinking it looking like a wedding ring. Then Vin came by and sat next to us as we watched the eclipse....but it never moved? Woke up not long after that.
Now the thing is lunar eclipses don't leave a ring around it, only solar eclipses do that. Not sure where the rest of my fam went either. But it was nice to meet Vin, haha.
Ok...um...what else. Sewing work as usual, photoshoot stuff, ideas that never seem to get attention :( , renter pains, employment pains, health pains, though I'm feeling betterish lately. This odd sense of "............" it weird....like an impending 'thing' or time or something. What is it!? It's like manna. Maybe if the boss man would help me out in deciphering some things, this 'thing' thing wouldn't be so annoyingly impending.... I feel like its some catastrophe waiting to happen, but no idea what it has to do with anything. :/ disgruntled...and waiting for some signs.
And I'm not talking about harbingers of doom signs. No, not like the oarfish found near Los Angeles, although last time they found those suckers dead was just before the huge quake in Japan.... and two already within the area around california...whatever.....my dream said it was going to happen in Oregon, but my dreams don't know anything really.
Oh, and the tidal wave, tsunami, missile thing that hits NY...whatever....I don't live there, nor want to. I was there in my dream when it got hit with a tsunami....don't want to do that again.
No sudden wake up dreams though which is a good sign, because those happen like the same day. Whew!
Comet Ison coming in a few weeks! Who's excited!? Me! I like cool cosmic art. And the fact when it passes by (assuming it doesn't burn up around the sun) is when we are doing family photos, so I hope to capture it in the background :) or at least I can photoshop it into the pics anyway, lol. Of course the possible debris field we pass through should be a fun show as well.
This is all relying on the fact this comet is a comet and not some space UFO thing....considering youtube people like to photoshop pics and/or they are telling a different side of the story and that thing is not a comet after all...who knows. I'll still take pictures....unless it is a UFO...well then, I'm out man...not touching that crap.
I had a thought today.....what if we are the demons that possess humans....instead of the other way around?
Feeling disgruntled today. Disgruntled at the human population who are worthless and those who never want to better themselves. Namely people whom seem to find their way to rent from us. Idiots. I do hope they discover the living wholesome life sometime before rotting into the depths of filth from being idiots. Not sure how we end up with these type of people, but good gosh it really needs to stop.
Disgruntled at issues involving cash flow. Not that money is all that great....but it is so much better than not having it. Disgruntled at the 'system' of society and all it's wily ways, all its tricks and deceptions, all its filth.
Disgruntled that the one, maybe 2 people I'm looking for are not being very cooperative. Disgruntled that even talking to one of them seems to be an ongoing challenge, and it shouldn't be. Disgruntled that this leap off the cliff is proving to be a tedious venture to which the ending is hidden. As are things like, the path, the signs, the sunlight...oh just about everything.
I guess this is where that stuff they call faith should kick in....but that word is lame. Poor letters trying to hold up a great deed. Let's change it to something more appealing. Because the eyes are the only thing that can still see at the moment....how about resolve. Maybe, idk. One of those, I chose this so now I have to follow through kind of things. Yeah, close enough even if the word still sounds lame.
Had some messed up dreams lately. There were two I can remember that might be worthwhile.....
One was with Obama...(ugh) he was sitting across from me in a chair (like an interview of some sort) talking talking talking....about something or another, none of it was actually answering the questions he was given. And I remember just giving up trying to get answers from him and I leaned over (like little old ladies do) and patted his knee. I said "Don't you worry, everything will be just fine." ..... I knew whatever plans he had were going to fail in the long run. I knew he would fall no matter what grand schemes he had set up. He's a loser, we already know who wins.
The other one was weird, but I liked it because Vin Diesel was in it and he's my adopted brother :) --, anyway we all (the fam) were in a large grocery store without a roof (I think), but many of the items on the shelves were gone. We were checking every aisle to try and find things we needed. Vin was in the same store and I was happy to meet him. We said hi then went on our way shopping. After awhile, for some reason it ended up with me and the boy on the other side of the store (there was a small lake here, and trees, but the aisles were on the other side of the lake.) and it was night all of a sudden....I looked and there was a solar eclipse happening (in the dream I thought it was a lunar eclipse, since it was dark out) and I remember sitting down so we both could see the eclipse from behind the trees. It had a black center with a golden ring all the way around it perfectly. I was pointing at it so the boy could see too. I remember thinking it looking like a wedding ring. Then Vin came by and sat next to us as we watched the eclipse....but it never moved? Woke up not long after that.
Now the thing is lunar eclipses don't leave a ring around it, only solar eclipses do that. Not sure where the rest of my fam went either. But it was nice to meet Vin, haha.
Ok...um...what else. Sewing work as usual, photoshoot stuff, ideas that never seem to get attention :( , renter pains, employment pains, health pains, though I'm feeling betterish lately. This odd sense of "............" it weird....like an impending 'thing' or time or something. What is it!? It's like manna. Maybe if the boss man would help me out in deciphering some things, this 'thing' thing wouldn't be so annoyingly impending.... I feel like its some catastrophe waiting to happen, but no idea what it has to do with anything. :/ disgruntled...and waiting for some signs.
And I'm not talking about harbingers of doom signs. No, not like the oarfish found near Los Angeles, although last time they found those suckers dead was just before the huge quake in Japan.... and two already within the area around california...whatever.....my dream said it was going to happen in Oregon, but my dreams don't know anything really.
Oh, and the tidal wave, tsunami, missile thing that hits NY...whatever....I don't live there, nor want to. I was there in my dream when it got hit with a tsunami....don't want to do that again.
No sudden wake up dreams though which is a good sign, because those happen like the same day. Whew!
Comet Ison coming in a few weeks! Who's excited!? Me! I like cool cosmic art. And the fact when it passes by (assuming it doesn't burn up around the sun) is when we are doing family photos, so I hope to capture it in the background :) or at least I can photoshop it into the pics anyway, lol. Of course the possible debris field we pass through should be a fun show as well.
This is all relying on the fact this comet is a comet and not some space UFO thing....considering youtube people like to photoshop pics and/or they are telling a different side of the story and that thing is not a comet after all...who knows. I'll still take pictures....unless it is a UFO...well then, I'm out man...not touching that crap.
I had a thought today.....what if we are the demons that possess humans....instead of the other way around?
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Bye bye birdie.....
You can learn a lot from a little bird.
This post has been a while in coming...and I really had to think about how to go about an instance like this. So I gave it a few days from said incident. And yeah...things are proceeding once again in some form of direction toward the better. If you know what I mean. not forward exactly, more upward I would say. Or is it inward?? Outward? It is really hard to put a definition on such a deep level. Another dumping of the comfortable safety net. Another shedding of this false grasp of truth. Another plunge of the cliff and into the depths....or solo flight....but not so solo... I'm really bad at describing on a linear level, bare with me in my terminologies.
So a busy day on Gunbarrel road...just like any other, but more so, as it was a weekday and closer to rush hour (yeah, 'what the heck, let's go shopping in the late afternoon' bad idea). Leaving the Wal-Mart parking lot (we went to Joann's....even though I HATE Joann's!!) and so while making a left hand turn....there was this little birdy. Baby bird perhaps? That's what I assumed. Smack dab in the middle of my lane near the middle of this packed full of cars 4-way red light. Yes, I saw it. Yes, it was still alive.
So I stopped....kinda....I slowed stopped-ish.
"Should I stop? there's freaking cars everywhere!" Is there anyone behind me? Hell if I know!" "There's at least 10 cars to my right making the same left turn much faster than I" ....thoughts running through my head... "I know I wouldn't hit it if I kept going forward." "If I get out will I get smacked from a car behind me? "Will I get run over by my own truck?" "Shit, what do I do!!?"
So judging by the fact I was more concerned with safety...I kept going...missing the bird, and even after going super slow so I could pull to the right into a parking lot to go save the bird....I couldn't get over...hence the other 10 or so vehicles speeding on that same left turn out of wal-mart.......so I went forward to turn left to turn around to go back and save the bird....couldn't really get left either due to freaking five hundred cars. Eventually I got back into the wal mart parking lot, made a u-turn and went back out and turned right to get to where the bird was.....little bird is dead. Son of a bitch.
Now this pisses me off. Not only because I could have simply saved it had I pushed the idea that getting hit in the first place out of my head...but because out of the five hundred other drivers literately parked at the red light....that no one else did anything either. What about the drivers in the lane not even 10 feet from this bird...at least 6 had a clear view. What about the drivers going straight? What about the others turning right? Did everyone fail? We all effing suck. And I hate that we suck and evidently can't rely on anyone else to pull us through our challenges or fears.
And this is what I told the boss man. Yeah, the same boss man waiting with me on the hillside. That same one that sometimes doesn't say a word and it drives me crazy.
thanks for helping out, eh?
"What did the little bird teach you?" so He asks..... Him and His questions....always questions....
That life is messy...and fragile...and chaotic...and heartless...heartfull...and full of fear...and love....just a little bit.
"Where was I?" He asks....
Here on this hilltop....I wanted to blurt out....but no...that would be the wrong answer. We all know where He was. There on the inside....always with us. But I didn't get that awesome memory of Him and His "Take hold" lesson. I didn't remember that "Stand up." order. No, none of that nice happy talk that gets you through the night, but can never get you through the day. Never even thought of Him while this helpless creature paraded with giant metal toys.... what were we thinking of....oh, um, obviously the bird...and getting run over...and frustration that everyone was in my way....and disgust that there was no hope outside of oneself.
So ...here's the lesson... because of this blessed little bird.
Whatever verse you cling to....whatever memory you have, no matter how wonderful...whatever thought, idea, prayer, notion, wish, hope, or dream.....none of that really matters at crunch time. It matters, yes, but not in the moment of challenge.
Do you know what does matter?
Imminent self reliance and self awareness. Being fully there. ... not in your head thinking about getting hit or ran over by your own truck...not thinking about attempting to do something a safer, possibly better way. But only being present.
You know the boss man can't ever be present without us. Well, duh.
So did I say hilltop? Let's move over to that cliff again. Yeah..that one, where we leave this sweet comfortable place of communion and give ourselves over to our own wreckless abandon.
Because where we are, He is too.
So begins a new day, and one day we have to get this right, and one day we will make it to that finish line. ... and I'm far from close to it. I suck. But sometimes little birdies lead us forward..well, up..out..in...whatever...lead us on to new horizons.... and we say farewell to the hilltop set below the stars. Where the boss man speaks with His questions, and fills us with answers, and now we are moving....almost running. Let us begin.
So...what else goes on in my life? Obviously this type of stuff takes up 50% of my day. All this thinking and evolutionizing illumination spiritual growth stuff. The rest is divided between family and work, a little bit of conspiracy theory entertainment, along with analyzing the human condition, pets, housework, and unfortunate issues regarding health and wellness.
Possible new employees, check. Funds in the bank again, check. Sewing orders not death sentences of doom until Tuesday, check. A rather late coming convo with the stressed out hubby, check. A jump from the cliff cause we are going to have to get this self reliance thing mastered, check. Kids are happy, check. Pets are still alive, check. House is full of food, check. Bills are paid, check....except for a check to one of my employees who forgot to remind me to pay her before she went home. :P Sewing prep for the week done, check.
What else... plans for month include work, stuff, this, that, Halloween!, photoshoot!, picking up my chicken (Zaycon foods, real all natural chicken for only $1.39lb...Publix has the same stuff for 7.39lb..I know, because I have to buy it because the regular store kind has lactic acid (milk product juice) on it.) Looking for a refrigerator and a small short deep freezer if anyone knows of a lead. Probably have lots to do tomorrow and this coming week, but for tonight we aren't going to worry about it. Talk to you all later. it is late and I have to help with the girl's costume and then I'm going to bed.
And by the way. The boss man is awesome, even if He sends you little birds which you fail to rescue. :(
Oh...and the new 100 dollar bills show another nuclear missile, and tidal wave/tsunami in a big city.... and I heard somewhere something about a ship in New York Harbor.... hmmm. No one wants to comment on these whacked conspiracy theories?? Lol, dang I wish more people would share thoughts about those.... You all are no fun. :/ Some of you can talk about the Living Dead or Breaking Bad all day, but not anything closer to possible truth. I watch a few dumb reality shows occasionally, and late night talk shows....but these funny people on youtube are more entertaining to me, lol.
yeesh.... it's sooo late.
Guess what? ...... nope, never mind.
This post has been a while in coming...and I really had to think about how to go about an instance like this. So I gave it a few days from said incident. And yeah...things are proceeding once again in some form of direction toward the better. If you know what I mean. not forward exactly, more upward I would say. Or is it inward?? Outward? It is really hard to put a definition on such a deep level. Another dumping of the comfortable safety net. Another shedding of this false grasp of truth. Another plunge of the cliff and into the depths....or solo flight....but not so solo... I'm really bad at describing on a linear level, bare with me in my terminologies.
So a busy day on Gunbarrel road...just like any other, but more so, as it was a weekday and closer to rush hour (yeah, 'what the heck, let's go shopping in the late afternoon' bad idea). Leaving the Wal-Mart parking lot (we went to Joann's....even though I HATE Joann's!!) and so while making a left hand turn....there was this little birdy. Baby bird perhaps? That's what I assumed. Smack dab in the middle of my lane near the middle of this packed full of cars 4-way red light. Yes, I saw it. Yes, it was still alive.
So I stopped....kinda....I slowed stopped-ish.
"Should I stop? there's freaking cars everywhere!" Is there anyone behind me? Hell if I know!" "There's at least 10 cars to my right making the same left turn much faster than I" ....thoughts running through my head... "I know I wouldn't hit it if I kept going forward." "If I get out will I get smacked from a car behind me? "Will I get run over by my own truck?" "Shit, what do I do!!?"
So judging by the fact I was more concerned with safety...I kept going...missing the bird, and even after going super slow so I could pull to the right into a parking lot to go save the bird....I couldn't get over...hence the other 10 or so vehicles speeding on that same left turn out of wal-mart.......so I went forward to turn left to turn around to go back and save the bird....couldn't really get left either due to freaking five hundred cars. Eventually I got back into the wal mart parking lot, made a u-turn and went back out and turned right to get to where the bird was.....little bird is dead. Son of a bitch.
Now this pisses me off. Not only because I could have simply saved it had I pushed the idea that getting hit in the first place out of my head...but because out of the five hundred other drivers literately parked at the red light....that no one else did anything either. What about the drivers in the lane not even 10 feet from this bird...at least 6 had a clear view. What about the drivers going straight? What about the others turning right? Did everyone fail? We all effing suck. And I hate that we suck and evidently can't rely on anyone else to pull us through our challenges or fears.
And this is what I told the boss man. Yeah, the same boss man waiting with me on the hillside. That same one that sometimes doesn't say a word and it drives me crazy.
thanks for helping out, eh?
"What did the little bird teach you?" so He asks..... Him and His questions....always questions....
That life is messy...and fragile...and chaotic...and heartless...heartfull...and full of fear...and love....just a little bit.
"Where was I?" He asks....
Here on this hilltop....I wanted to blurt out....but no...that would be the wrong answer. We all know where He was. There on the inside....always with us. But I didn't get that awesome memory of Him and His "Take hold" lesson. I didn't remember that "Stand up." order. No, none of that nice happy talk that gets you through the night, but can never get you through the day. Never even thought of Him while this helpless creature paraded with giant metal toys.... what were we thinking of....oh, um, obviously the bird...and getting run over...and frustration that everyone was in my way....and disgust that there was no hope outside of oneself.
So ...here's the lesson... because of this blessed little bird.
Whatever verse you cling to....whatever memory you have, no matter how wonderful...whatever thought, idea, prayer, notion, wish, hope, or dream.....none of that really matters at crunch time. It matters, yes, but not in the moment of challenge.
Do you know what does matter?
Imminent self reliance and self awareness. Being fully there. ... not in your head thinking about getting hit or ran over by your own truck...not thinking about attempting to do something a safer, possibly better way. But only being present.
You know the boss man can't ever be present without us. Well, duh.
So did I say hilltop? Let's move over to that cliff again. Yeah..that one, where we leave this sweet comfortable place of communion and give ourselves over to our own wreckless abandon.
Because where we are, He is too.
So begins a new day, and one day we have to get this right, and one day we will make it to that finish line. ... and I'm far from close to it. I suck. But sometimes little birdies lead us forward..well, up..out..in...whatever...lead us on to new horizons.... and we say farewell to the hilltop set below the stars. Where the boss man speaks with His questions, and fills us with answers, and now we are moving....almost running. Let us begin.
So...what else goes on in my life? Obviously this type of stuff takes up 50% of my day. All this thinking and evolutionizing illumination spiritual growth stuff. The rest is divided between family and work, a little bit of conspiracy theory entertainment, along with analyzing the human condition, pets, housework, and unfortunate issues regarding health and wellness.
Possible new employees, check. Funds in the bank again, check. Sewing orders not death sentences of doom until Tuesday, check. A rather late coming convo with the stressed out hubby, check. A jump from the cliff cause we are going to have to get this self reliance thing mastered, check. Kids are happy, check. Pets are still alive, check. House is full of food, check. Bills are paid, check....except for a check to one of my employees who forgot to remind me to pay her before she went home. :P Sewing prep for the week done, check.
What else... plans for month include work, stuff, this, that, Halloween!, photoshoot!, picking up my chicken (Zaycon foods, real all natural chicken for only $1.39lb...Publix has the same stuff for 7.39lb..I know, because I have to buy it because the regular store kind has lactic acid (milk product juice) on it.) Looking for a refrigerator and a small short deep freezer if anyone knows of a lead. Probably have lots to do tomorrow and this coming week, but for tonight we aren't going to worry about it. Talk to you all later. it is late and I have to help with the girl's costume and then I'm going to bed.
And by the way. The boss man is awesome, even if He sends you little birds which you fail to rescue. :(
Oh...and the new 100 dollar bills show another nuclear missile, and tidal wave/tsunami in a big city.... and I heard somewhere something about a ship in New York Harbor.... hmmm. No one wants to comment on these whacked conspiracy theories?? Lol, dang I wish more people would share thoughts about those.... You all are no fun. :/ Some of you can talk about the Living Dead or Breaking Bad all day, but not anything closer to possible truth. I watch a few dumb reality shows occasionally, and late night talk shows....but these funny people on youtube are more entertaining to me, lol.
yeesh.... it's sooo late.
Guess what? ...... nope, never mind.
Friday, October 4, 2013
hoping for a break
ARGH!!!! So the last $200 cash we had stowed away is gone...well, except for about $1, lol. I hate being broke.
Just sitting here waiting and hoping that hubby gets to go to work tomorrow...as well as like every work day through the rest of the month too. And hoping I sell some easy simple quick sets, cause being broke is no fun. Other than that, having eggs and bananas again is quite nice. Really hoping the renters pay up closer to due date and not after I have to call them...grrr.
While we are at it, I also hope I get 5 orders completed by Monday. I hope unexpected money of substantial amount appears in my mailbox too (yes, that is always awesome!). I hope hubby's paycheck isn't as low as it probably is due to no work half of last week. I hope my fingers get better....(yeah, I sliced one cutting a potato and at least 3 others are nicked from stupid pins from all those appliqued tees I did the other day!). I hope no one orders an appliqued tee for awhile. I hope they won't (or will) get scared away when I raise the prices of those yet again. I hope I can get things prepped and organized for some new possible employees....and I hope they are really good.....but I also hope I have money to pay them, lol. My other 2 employees are awesome, but dang it if I ain't already broke, hahaha. Here's to hoping this is not long lasting. I hope I won't follow in the footsteps of the government, lol. I hope.
But we all know hope is this word that doesn't really do anything for us. We know it is there to fill in a space in a sentence. Its there to appear as if it has something to do with enabling good things to come our way. But does it....well, no, not really. It's more like some term we use to show how powerless we are to the forces surround and controlling our circumstances. Hope is nothing but a word. One void of action. One without cause or complaint. One without value. Hope is in fact not useful.
Hubby's check was not great as expected. And next weeks will now be just as bad. The renters will most likely be late again, and we won't hear from them until after numerous calls....again as expected. As far as sales....I can't rightly post new items until I have a cleared up order list, and etsy is slow to say the least. My fingers will grow back, no big deal. The check in the mail....well, it happens more often than you think. And for employees...I'll see what I can do with that tomorrow.
So hope couldn't affect any of these things. Nope.
So let's move on to better things....what does affect them....what can change them to make them not so irritating?
Simple. Don't let them irritate you.
After all.....it's just money. And everything will be taken care of in time. No worries here, even if they are a pain in the ass. Things will settle and times of better fortune will arrive eventually. When at least one things sells for me, it has been almost like clockwork that I suddenly sell 10 more just after....this always happens....like ALWAYS. Now with employees.....psh...sometimes you get the 'this is totally not going to work out' people....ok much of the time...and then sometimes, you find someone willing to learn and work hard at it and get better. Finding these is worth putting up with the painful experiences of 'searching' for good help. Of course there's still the issue of money to pay them...hmmm...
Now all we have to do is hope that this up and coming comet Ison is going to wreck havoc on the world...or not....and makes a spectacular photograph at least. Sweet. Of course after watching all my crazy people on youtube (whom think that it is the end of the world, lol) I've got to say that people are insane.....and I like it that way. I hope you don't take that the wrong way.
Just sitting here waiting and hoping that hubby gets to go to work tomorrow...as well as like every work day through the rest of the month too. And hoping I sell some easy simple quick sets, cause being broke is no fun. Other than that, having eggs and bananas again is quite nice. Really hoping the renters pay up closer to due date and not after I have to call them...grrr.
While we are at it, I also hope I get 5 orders completed by Monday. I hope unexpected money of substantial amount appears in my mailbox too (yes, that is always awesome!). I hope hubby's paycheck isn't as low as it probably is due to no work half of last week. I hope my fingers get better....(yeah, I sliced one cutting a potato and at least 3 others are nicked from stupid pins from all those appliqued tees I did the other day!). I hope no one orders an appliqued tee for awhile. I hope they won't (or will) get scared away when I raise the prices of those yet again. I hope I can get things prepped and organized for some new possible employees....and I hope they are really good.....but I also hope I have money to pay them, lol. My other 2 employees are awesome, but dang it if I ain't already broke, hahaha. Here's to hoping this is not long lasting. I hope I won't follow in the footsteps of the government, lol. I hope.
But we all know hope is this word that doesn't really do anything for us. We know it is there to fill in a space in a sentence. Its there to appear as if it has something to do with enabling good things to come our way. But does it....well, no, not really. It's more like some term we use to show how powerless we are to the forces surround and controlling our circumstances. Hope is nothing but a word. One void of action. One without cause or complaint. One without value. Hope is in fact not useful.
Hubby's check was not great as expected. And next weeks will now be just as bad. The renters will most likely be late again, and we won't hear from them until after numerous calls....again as expected. As far as sales....I can't rightly post new items until I have a cleared up order list, and etsy is slow to say the least. My fingers will grow back, no big deal. The check in the mail....well, it happens more often than you think. And for employees...I'll see what I can do with that tomorrow.
So hope couldn't affect any of these things. Nope.
So let's move on to better things....what does affect them....what can change them to make them not so irritating?
Simple. Don't let them irritate you.
After all.....it's just money. And everything will be taken care of in time. No worries here, even if they are a pain in the ass. Things will settle and times of better fortune will arrive eventually. When at least one things sells for me, it has been almost like clockwork that I suddenly sell 10 more just after....this always happens....like ALWAYS. Now with employees.....psh...sometimes you get the 'this is totally not going to work out' people....ok much of the time...and then sometimes, you find someone willing to learn and work hard at it and get better. Finding these is worth putting up with the painful experiences of 'searching' for good help. Of course there's still the issue of money to pay them...hmmm...
Now all we have to do is hope that this up and coming comet Ison is going to wreck havoc on the world...or not....and makes a spectacular photograph at least. Sweet. Of course after watching all my crazy people on youtube (whom think that it is the end of the world, lol) I've got to say that people are insane.....and I like it that way. I hope you don't take that the wrong way.
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