Just stuff...

 "Sir?"
"I am here."
"This stuff. This disconnect from me to me to me to me... This." I point.
"You know why." He says. "But I know that is not what you are seeking."
I sit and wait. Silent. Half broody. I'm tired.
"Pieces of you out there, but lost." He begins. "Pieces of you in here."
"I'm not afraid. Let's go." I meet his eyes.
"You can love them without loss. No one can take away what was never theirs."
"What I love is mine." I repeat.
"Yes."
"And I just stopped loving them when I let them go." I sigh.
"Yes." He confirms.
"I can love everything. Make it all mine."
"Yes."

"And this?" I point again.
"Love it too."

"And what is love?"
"The energy that transmutes, creates, and gives life."

"I can do that."

"Once you transmute them all... you will understand how powerful this love is. There will be no returning."
"Sounds fantastic." I smirk.
   ( he makes me look the word 'fantastic' up...)
"Nevermind. It's good. Real good." I correct.
"Love that does not transmute, is just a word." He states. "Remember the connection and it will pass from you to you to you."
"To you." I add.
"To... you."

_______________________________

How not to make a bad decision...
let's ask, cause I can't write worth a flip to myself anymore.

Yo, Mustang... cans I's borrows you?

"Do not get comfortable with those words."
I smile, cause he showed up super fast and I love it. I love him.

"This prospect.. this opportunity." I say it slow, cause how else do you mention a job opportunity when you don't even want a job. "What do you think?"
"You have fed into doubts even before you have walked through the door." He mentions. "Remarkable."
   He rolls his eyes. He knows this can be a huge pattern of mine.
"I'm trying to talk myself out of it. Trying to pick out all the bad things. For me and them." I sigh.
"What if it is just what creates a space of fun?" He glances my way.
"Maybe." I shrug. "And if it's one of a thousand things I've already tried and quit at, cause eww."
"Then it will be a thousand and one." He adds. "There will never be enough 'perks' to change the vibration of it. There will never be enough sacrifices to change the vibration of it."
"I don't even know the real vibration of it." I admit.
"Will you tomorrow?"
"I hope so." I sigh, not believing that for a second.
"Bring it into you." He loses patience. "You can not change anything to your liking by going out to meet it. Change it now." He pauses. "Create it now."
   I nod. He's right.

____________________

Sooo.... That was an adventure.
By that I mean a horrible trip fest of doubts and 'let's just not do this' and 'I don't want to' and
I'm a fucking mess and this can't be the place for me...
and then I take the job, cause it's kinda alluring and real and I have a handful of hours and this manager girl is crazy, I love her.
and what am I doing?
The Alchemist walks in and sits in the chair. He flops his feet up on the table. He slowly....incredibly slowly pauses before glancing my way.
"What the hell happened?" I ask him. I was not prepared for any of this or expecting any of it and fuck my vibration, cause there's nothing sure now.
"The captain drives the boat, but he never controls the sea." He mentions coolly.
"Well this port has bourbon." I mumble.
"Did you think your vibration, your trying and efforting, was ever going to make the waves bow to you?" He asks.
"Absofuckinglutely." I glare. I'm a fucking god.
"You are when you are a good captain." He nods. "Then it is like there are no waves, no challenges, no chaos."
"In sync." I sigh, understanding.
"Resonant. Where the waves and you are the same and you are the bliss of calm." He double thinks his words, but leaves them at that.
   I get it. I get him. I don't get me, but I get this scenario and thing I traveled upon today.

"This." I point. "This needs to go."
   He looks at me.
"What does?" He asks. Not looking for the answer, but to clarify that there's not an issue.
"When? I've got adventures apparently. It feels like a chain." I mention.
"Just for today. What are you doing, who are you being, where are you going, and those things you love... play with them." He attunes.
"I'm going to be all of me. All the things I love." I concur. "I really love money today, by the way."
   He smirks. He knows I feel broke and can't buy flowers just yet. Nor do I have the focus or energy.
"I love focus." He hears my thoughts. "It cuts through almost everything." He nods assured as he stands.
"Imma focus on not going insane." I snicker.
"Try focusing on those flowers. Those cabinets, that garden, that whatever you are having fun with stuff." He sighs. "Focus goes a long way and carves out the paths that lead to more of it."
"Aight." I nod.
 He gives a small smile and walk out the door...


___________

I don't know if it's true... the way they reveal the triggers that drag you down to those lower thought patterns. But I see you bleed from the scars upon your flesh.
You claim this and that when everything is peachy. You revel in the likes of knowing you haven't been triggered by what they are throwing our this week or last. You have risen high above the piddly infantile snares they left out for the others...
Oh... but you think it's all dandy until something stronger comes upon you unaware. When something does catch you in a trap and lasso your leg, just enough to send you hurling down the pavement, not even knowing what is happening.
You are flailing. And you may still be one step ahead of those who fell prey to Corona, or Monkeypox, or Will, or Depp, or whatever else they've been feeding you... but you've been dragged too, those of you who instantly jumped into the corral for this new thing.
You can only stand long enough until your legs give out because you still are depending upon your legs. Flailing. Blood dripping because you too are falling into chaos.... and all it took was a news report.
They have you caught in the net and you are defending how pretty and safe the net makes you feel.

I want to remind you that you do not have to comply.
You are not evil.
We are not evil.
You do not have to choose the options they present.
You do not have to obey.
You do not have to fear.
You do not have to partake in any of this.
Stop defending your trigger, your cage, your net, your beliefs.... and watch how you easily it is for you to shame another. How easily it is for you to cast blame or guilt or to correct someone else.
How easily you became those that entrapped you.

I love watching you wake up and see.
I love when you choose to love.
I love when you decide right here, right now... to step from their control.
You get to choose. You always get to.

We do not have to fix the things and the items and the stuff our hands touch.
We only need to fix our hearts. Our minds. Our beliefs. Our choices. Our knowing.
...and then whatever we touch will be blessed.

fire is on the inside.... and through and through, till it bleeds all over

 Good god.

My scorpio rising and moon signs are SO FUCKING DONE with all this shit.

I want to just watch it all fucking burn.
and I don't care...
with a tad of delightful enjoyability mixed in...
which may mean that I'm wasting my fucking time and energy on SHIT
shit that doesn't matter..that doesn't really matter (which I know it doesn't)
and this thing we are trying to make into something...to uphold..
to build into something simpler and more of a thing to provide sustenance...
is creating the void of it.
is wavering in the wind
is highly flammable...
and I want it to burn...
cause IDGAF!

and the barren landscape left over can let the fucking forest regrow...
and that IS simpler.
That does provide sustenance.
and it upholds itself.

FUCK!

My pisces sun is struggling with accountibility.
with follow-through
with people pleasing
with maintaining the happiness factor of pretendability...
with keeping what little sustenance that flows, still flowing...

oh bitch...
if you'd just let that forest regrow...
it will grow everything on it's own.

Beliefs...even cold hard logical facts...
these innate KNOWN inner truths which I keep trying to disprove...
but my girl...
I'm fucking right about this stuff...
and yet here I am wallowing in pitiful doubts and fears...
fucking bitch.
You're worth more than this shit.

______________________

I haven't meditated or spoke more than a few words with The Alchemist of late...
and only this morning was the fire brewing..begging me to set it all aflame...
urging me...
handing me the torch....
and The Alchemist...
He's handing me this torch too...
and there are no words he needs to speak, when I can see it in his eyes.

There's no fear of the end.
It's the screams from others that I've never known what to do with.
pussies.

fucking cowards...
pigeons.

and these pieces strapped to me...
we may have to work them off slowly...
or we can throw myself into the flames too...
but we will set ourselves free

Raw, wild, chaotic freedom.
and my birthright
soulright
my sovereignty lies in the ashes and in the flames and in the scorched ecstasy.

Burn them all.

___________________________________
________________________________________

I read a post yesterday about the Universe...
how many 'woke' people refer to themselves as working for the Universe...
and I was once in that space...for a time...
but ...

The Universe works for me...




____________________

Don't follow the rules... BLEED

 Painted a huge 3.5' x 4' canvas today.
fingerpainted
it's a sun.flower...
but it's more of a making sure the borders that we see are in fact demolished and crumbled beneath the feet.
yeah, there's still rubble and debris...and this act of climbing over it...
but the wall is gone

allowing this to bleed out without expectation or judgement
even when they don't meet the high standards of my visions
expectations
judgements
and lord knows I can't meet them myself, much less the paint on my fingers meet them too

this is the cost of seeing

seeing the aethers clearer than the manifested reality we find ourselves in...
and falling short of the elaborate perfection of things beyond life.
I can see more than I can grasp, more than I can touch...
and like paint... it falls with effort, leaving little to the senses
little to be surprised about

and although judging them would be moot and pointless...
there are 'other' things I just happen to like better
and we get to like things, yes?
we get to choose, yes?

we get to select the qualities we prefer...

and maybe everything here on the earth plane strives to be the highest, with cool cars, and memes of ducks in your pockets, and kittens, and cookies...
but it's level 3... maybe 4...
and maybe it's an annoying thing to once behold level 42 and now only have squalor to pick from.
not that it's bad... it's just not my preference....

where has this perspective come from?
what kingdom have I fallen from to see the contrast all too clearly?
and how much longer are we going to have to watch this play?
I'm bored and if I could walk out of the theater, I would
...

_____________________________________

Sold a dress on Etsy... of all places... I haven't sold on there for years... wow.
I hope my bank account still gets linked and I get paid correctly...
And I can sew this dress in like 3-4 days...
all good...

I don't know what else my life has planned...
cause I'm just tagging along, having high expectations it's gonna get funner...
-_-

___________________________________

.

I'm still writing that book...
it's ongoing and I get the next chapter/addition...
when it comes... not before...
cause it's between me and The Alchemist...
and right now we are in Maui, mountain climbing...
and I can't meditate right now, cause I have polyacrylic sealant drying in here and it smells...

which means I'm gonna go... cause toxins...
lol

I'll hang it up tomorrow!
This will be one of the fastest paintings I've done... for the size anyway...
my speed paintings and the little fingerpaintings I did before were quick too...
anyways...

later sassafras and chumpkins

Future readings and a snack

 Hi again.
It's Sunday and it's raining and cold and I'm not going outside today.

Doing sewing work, and working on some Demon Slayer character appliques. YAY!
I much enjoy the respite from Disney characters.

And I have a frame to put a canvas on, because colors are prodding me with a rod right now and I'm concerned they might make it electrified.... so gonna get this prepped too asap.
I'll gopro a video for it.... I think it's gonna be a sunflower... (*maybe?)
fingerpainting or big brush, cause limitations are for chimps. (sheep)

Still writing my other book, not my novel...yet

little tid bits of things..

___
Aether lands...
we are in Maui and mountain climbing?? which is supposed to be a hike to the waterfalls...
but now I'm unsure, cause vagueness. The Alchemist likes to over do some things...
O_O


And just so you are aware and I make sure I can say I called it...
the world is in the dampering stage.. the buffering stage... the laying the concrete and waiting for it to be dried stage...
going to be a boring process for a little bit, then slowly things will begin moving along...
nothing huge or big or exciting... but moving and changing... like watching foundation blocks get stacked and mortared...
Be prepared for frustrations and impatience to run high, especially on rainy days.
Would be wise to focus on your own little life and your own little thrills and hobbies...cause the world's stage is getting a makeover...the backdrops are shifting and getting redone. The costumes are getting sewn up for the new players, the new actors....
We won't begin to see the revelations of these changes until close to summer...into deep summer.
There's no hurry here and this time and space for these preparations are NEEDED.
So shut up, sit back, relax and chill tf out a bit. Nothing is so important.

In real terms... all the 'news' is just things to keep you busy and engaged with something else.
Don't buy anything big or expensive or that will need possible hard to find parts.
Do not take up a new expenditure or dump funds into growing anything just yet... wait until summer/fall when things are more obvious on whether your plan is viable with the new systems.
Go a bit minimalistic... make your new vision boards by how you feel today... clear out some troubles and snags and just get comfortable with the spaciousness for now... you can pick up more later if you want, just recognize emptiness while nothing else is happening... you'll need to know what this is down the road.
Don't chitter chatter with those who are griping about whateverthefuck. Those are the impatient people sitting in the theater complaining about the curtains not opening...
Get strong in your mind.
Get flexible and make your body reliable.
We get to listen to music during intermissions... turn it up loud. Add new songs to your playlist and remove the ones you keep skipping over.
Don't horde or save or cling or bleed out... pay what needs paid, buy your shit you need, and keep moving. Don't give everything to tackle debt, stay steady... Plan investments for the fall, cause things will move fast then, not now.
Add more protein, iron, and zinc to your diet. (meat/beans, greens, red berries/peppers) think the christmas colors. Deep rich colors, not that pale faced white iceberg lettuce shit.
Do NOT cut or dye your hair!
Do NOT adopt a pet/person/relationship until end of summer/fall.
Do not quit your job until mid summer, if you're gonna do it anyway.
Hang tight, be patient.
BE PATIENT.
PATIENCE!
Do not pick up frustrations right now. Let them go.

and we can have the fall festival in glory and abundance....
I'll see you there.

_____________________________
I just remembered that it is still January... *sigh...

Imma go make pancakes for dinner.

.

Ramblings on a winter's day

 
I nixed facebook...
and i'm only there for my ShadowDragon Dreams page...
which is so fucking dead in the water, idgaf anymore.
I have a handful of clients that keep coming back, which is great and all,
but those 6 or so people aren't always able to pay me a monthly cost of living increase.

and my financial feng shui page... which is fine, it doesn't make money yet.
maybe it will oneday. idgaf about that either.


and posting these blog posts on their page, lol... sometimes anyway.

I don't actually write much here, as I'm writing a book right now...
and yet to start on my novel... which I know once I do, that's my life til it's finished.

anyway....
lots of weird random dreams, none of which I actually liked...
and most of it was just shit and turmoil...
and chaos...
not sure if I should take heed on those, but I don't think they are relative to anything real.
last one appeared to be telling me to sell my stocks and crypto....
which isn't a bad thing per se...
but it's in a dip right now.... so... umm... no.
I can wait.
I don't need that money to do anything right now.
winter blues, that is all.

otherwise, energetic wise, things are still... like in a resting phase before something moves again.
intermission... yeah. that's it.

fuck this jupiter in pisces shit. I was under the impression it was supposed to be good and fun ...
but it's not like that at all.
I hate astrologers, they are so fucking stupid.
and I've got more scorpio blood in my veins than whatever those fish seem to claim.
sun signs are for pussies.

anyway....

everything is really great.

I got work, lots of time, lots of energy.
money is my friend....
and besides the fact that smoothie king wants over $8 for a smoothie...
I'm quite satisfied with all the things.


and yes, I'm still in cohorts with The Alchemist.
We are in Maui...still....
and if I ever share my book I'm currently writing, you'll hear all about it.


I recently read my novel book 6 again too.... so I know where I left off HAHA
and I got the goods and know where it starts, but the aethers keep putting more people in it, and I'm like NOOOO!!!! but it's not listening and now I have to remember these people's names and apparently they are gonna play a big part... fuck me. They were never in my idealogical version I have compiled in a handful of notes and ideas... and scenes, and quotes...

and art shit, which I do and don't want to do.... keeps flowing through on occasion....
I dont have time for that right now though.... cause I have sewing work...and paint and fabrics do not mix well in the same room.
not that that ever dictated anything in real life... hehe


ok.... I'm outta here...

dust and bones, like the world you see

 2 days ago I stepped out of the simulation and saw it for the illusion, the delusion that it really is.
I'm not talking about the matrix shit... or this surreal virtual reality...
even if the idea of it being dust and bones in the 'real world' is kinda closer to the truth than I'd like to agree with.

It happened at the little walmart... yeah, even though I don't even like walmart, but we had $35 free dollars to spend there, and well, they still sell ice cream and milk....sooo...
At the checkout, the hubs was elaborating and opinionating about how the cost of a bottle of water was more than the cost of a soda in one of those little fridges at the checkout lane...
and then continued to share how the system could be made better, or offering a 'fix'... ya know, the thing guys do...
and I told him to leave it.
To leave the idea of fixing it, the broken system, the screwed up imitations and procedures, the idea of helping or saving a race meant to pass away... I didn't say that, but my mind went there...
that whole aspect of not giving attention to play with the mortals and their toys...
which are in fact nothing but the dust in which they were made from...

I was cast from the simulation in a moment of awareness and clarity... when the bottles of soda and water and the whole fridge were marred relics of a destroyed system.... kinda like the scorched sky and the dilapidated cities in the matrix... for reals...
And it is all the frequency....
The system supports a low frequency which is not much more than the physical crudeness of the material realm to begin with. A pretty package and the illusion of better... but all of it false and unsatisfying...
like spending a week on a carnival cruise ship with people blinded by their idea that they are happy and satisfied, when behind their eyes they struggle to hide their fears, their pains, their sorrows...and smile it away as much as they announcer can say the word 'fun'....

and it was dust and bones and people eat it up like its something real... like its something relevant and important....
and the systems that are crumbling before our eyes... hollywood, education, healthcare, economy.... money... they pretend they can save these things...when they are dust and bones... and although I get a tad bit enamored with the plays they try to push and pretend.... I've seen this theatrical production before.... and I am all about the end game.
There's nothing they can do to save any of it....
and it is fucking glorious.
I'm thrilled.

Yes, they will bring forth the new systems right on cue... I see those coming too... and those who are compliant will accept those new programs effortlessly and efficiently.
And that's okay...
And people will suffer, and blindly accept the new system, and that's okay too...
and while some of us watch on the fringes of the box office balcony seats... we keep buying tickets to the shit show.
And we aren't here to rescue the players, or the audience...
As their frequencies too will deliver them into their own hands, or the hands of the new systems... and we'll have to wait to watch the next show.

__
_
_

SO what does this simulation and perception leave me with? how does this define and deliberate my life?
who knows, but I'm enjoying the show...and I get a kick out of the destructions... and while ten thousand possibilities could roll in with our heroes... sometimes it's just a slow and steady and silent falling off the cliff... the blood puddling beneath a thousand corpses.... and even then...
The sovereign stand.

and maybe my perceptions haven't quite settled just yet...
I feel the world is unsettled and nervous the past day or so... like a fire is coming over the hillside...

the theater is on fire... perhaps like my dream from before (not including the one I had last night)
and while they can't see it, they can feel it...
the smoke seeps, filling the ceiling above the audience...
and whatever is to come...

it's all okay.
yeah, I mean people die and all... and there's no way out... but there's a door beside the stage with fire proof walls... most won't ever see it coming... and many fill themselves with fear before they burn...
but some of us (or maybe just me and hubs)... bought these tickets on purpose...

namaste


____________________________________________
__________________________________________

I'm still writing the book....
and will start on my book 7 novel sometime soon... it's building...
I'm letting the forest regrow...
and I don't know if I wrote that here or on fb or in my other book...
but it's been a very rewarding experience thus far.
sewing work, kinda just got given to me almost effortlessly... which is great...
and while we will be losing $800+ mo starting in March... I've been allowing to feel out how well the forest can make money far better than the mechanism that was there to begin with.
I wonder what grows beneath the equipment and structures...
   I firmly believe in possibilities and abundance... and maybe the magic mushrooms will grow here...
ayahuasca maybe...
I feel the fires here even... slowly bringing that system to it's knees and ultimate death...
a tragedy and a sacred blessed gift...
this frequency is lit, yo.

Blueberry and Strawberry banana bubblegum....yes

The whole world is an iciee truck.

What flavor do you want?


________________

________

I did start that book, and even if the idea gave birth back in late August, it's been a good few weeks of keeping up with it. I started the firs word stuffs on Nov 29th... so 3 months since birth...conception?...
   (ugh...is it no wonder my manifestations take the same amount of time...strange)
 This one is different though. It's not the novel, where I could write for hours every night, except maybe the occasional rare times when I must sleep. This one is composed of short snippets of conversations.
Dated and only a page or two. Some whole other structure, I'm not quite familiar with. I write a piece of it every other day or so.
Is this even how I am supposed to do it?

The Alchemist hasn't complained or changed up the strategy....as if I even have one. Things just come when they come. And I'm hyper aware of 'do it now' energy, versus, 'oh, I'll get to it in a little bit'...
ummm yeah... no.
Today's was not really about the iciee truck, but it was involved.
and just a few minutes ago, I think I connected the whole aspect of the people on the beach...
and the fact that Jupiter is moving prograde into Pisces not too long from now. So astrology shit...
which I'm really wanting to disbunk permanently.
I do lean strongly more to my Scorpio Moon and Ascendant on 90% of the astrology aspects....but yeah...
and I also have to go check something I'm wondering about...
because I read that it mentioned the last time the big J was in Pisces was Jan 2010-Jan 2011....
so Imma go look real quick to see if I had any blog posts... hang on...
nevamind.... I don't.... I think they only keep up to 10 years on here and delete the old ones before that
:(
I deleted my whole history, so I feel that sentiment, haha

I wonder if was about the same times I was seeing weird shit in the sky, and talking to Jesus in my kitchen...
THAT WAS FUN AS HELL!!!! <3 <3 <3
YES, let's do THAT AGAIN!
I promise I won't think I'm going crazy this time!!
YES YES YES!



.

back on track...

what flavor do you want..
Cause we get to choose

Choose what you want, yo!