Raise your glass

Come on and raise your glass....for me.

Shit.

I feel sick. Again. But that is a usual thing. One of those I can't so anything about it because I'm poor, because I already wasted my time and money going to doctors who couldn't figure it out before I totally went broke. Because I don;t have health insurance, because I'm poor, and even if I did, it would be pre-existing, and well, you know the routine.

The American routine of 'you're screwed and going to die eventually, so instead of try to help you live a better life (without feeling sick) we will not help you or bother with you anymore because even if you pay out of pocket, you can't afford our useless information and bullshit we will feed you. "Here's take this pill..."

Assholes.


What else is there....oh yeah....that. That something that seems to always linger on the tip of my thoughts lately. I don;t know why, but it saddens me that it cannot be found...not ever. Mainly because people like that no longer exist.
What is that exactly. Well, maybe not exactly, but it's the fact that there is no one, no one, no one, not a one, living breathing, real person in this entire realm of existence that can be placed as the rock in one's life. God, yes, but a person here? I haven't found them. Jesus, of course. (Yeah, so I'm spiritual, fuck off) But one you can bounce ideas off of, one you can tell your troubles to, one that will just simply give you a hug when you're feeling bad....no. Husband, yes, he's great...really great actually, and I thank God for him literately. But the other someone, kinda like a father, that person....no he doesn't exist...at least not yet...shit, how depressing.
I have to go live in my head with pretend friends that would uplift me, only so they can fill the void that no one else can.
Jesus can and does, but this is something different, I'm quite satisfied otherwise. I have everything I need, and He is sufficient, and hubby is great too, but really, I get to hug hubby everyday, much of the time in a day. I only hugged Jesus 3 times. But I can't even remember the last time I saw my dad, much less hugged him willingly. And truthfully, I don;t even want my biological dad around at all, I want the person in my head dammit.
Yeah, so I'm a freak, and that's okay.

I 've done proved my freak factor not too long ago, and all I can say is WoW! Here's my freak factor......


You wouldn't believe the crap I've experienced....and really though, I love it.
So anyway, I'm pissed right now as you can tell, because there are no decent people (aka: heros, guides, family, friends) around me besides the 2 mentioned above.
My mom is cool, and some parts of my family, but things aren't as simple as they are with Him or pretend people.... :P

Why is it the government wants to know everything that goes on in your business, is it really any of their business anyway?

I also feel bad about Australia flooding....I think that was supposed to be my real country, or maybe was in another life, because I've been drawn to it since birth....I really need to go there one day when I get rich, or rich enough to go...though no promises that I will come back. You have no idea.

What else do you want to know? How much it sucks today to be me.....I'm tired of sewing. Yes me, I want other people to sew for me and me just run the business. I don't want to sew anymore so I can make money....I want to sew to make other people happy... but the trouble is that I have to make money or I'll really go broke.Dammit.
What good is it to be an artist, a creator, if you are limited by the facade that is has to be done....dammit. I would love just to give things away and make kids happy, make their mommies happy, make me happy, but no, I have to sell them so I can justify buying more fabric to make more and sell more...ugh. This sucks.
I would do that government grant thing to get other people to sew for me, but they want to know too much of your business which is none of their business. And as for paying it back....what if I go broke....yeah, take from the poor to make them poorer, just like health care...assholes, I'm still paying for shit from last year that I still have no answers to. It's just great that you take money away from my family...fuckers, go die.