don't PANIC!

Day 100 of 100 of WTFIW....F

How do you become who you already are?
How do you receive what you already have?
.....
by being yourself....
BE who you are.
GET what you have.
....just be it.
....just go get it.

stop making it harder than it has to be....
even these words were too complicated...
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The sky is falling.
YES!
Let the Heavens drown us.
 Welcome in the glorious waves!!!
Catch them...and ride them...higher higher...
There's plenty of room at the top.

I hope you can feel what's coming.
Stay high.

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"You know the answers, but do you feel them?
That's where understanding comes from."

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Stay up on that rise
Stay up on that rise and never come down
Stay up on that rise
Stay up on that rise and never come down

 

Mama said don't give up, it's a little complicated
All tied up, no more love and I'd hate to see you waiting

High Hopes

Day 98 of 100 of WTFIW....F

....
Did Ego perhaps get her way?
Or did she take on more than she needs to?
There's a guess that it was both
Add to that, that she's also paying for it...in cash.
What happened?

Soul succeeded in giving the Ego an opportunity to get something it wanted.
oh...but oh... Soul is chuckling in the corner...
Ego is a sucker.
And now Ego gets to do something and pay to do it.
Soul will watch, until Ego decides to flounder in frustration.
Then Soul will finish the task.
And again rescue Ego from despair.

Don't ask Ego what she did...what she agreed to.
She will not say.
As society will look on in horror with jaws falling down.
Eyes will be stricken with unbelief.
Hands will slide down faces while heads move side to side.
"What have you done?" They will say.
"Why would you do that?!" They will cry.
"The future has been ruined!" They will anguish.
...
Ego rolls her eyes. 


Kartoffel kinder haben wasser.


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So there's a huge huge huge thing coming.
I don't know what or when, but soon.
I feel this in ten thousand ways.
and I must go.

and I finished reading (half skipping through a book that kinda sucked)
and frankly really really skipped the last few chapters..) it was that lame.
And a new one is coming in the mail.

Bathroom needs painting and caulking and cleaning.
All walls are up. Just have to put light and mirror back in.
Picking up paint tomorrow.
Throwing ideas around to take a vacation.
There are too many options at this point.

Many ideas around.
Seeing what the universe wants to hand me. 
Kinda over grabbing. Surrendering here.

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Nothing huge to share.
Had some deep insights, but they aren't able to translate into words.
there's something present.... and it's with me.
Like the force or something. Really kinda ominous.
And totally awesomeAF.

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Had to have high, high hopes for a living
Shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing
Didn't have a dime but I always had a vision
Always had high, high hopes 

Had to have high, high hopes for a living
Didn't know how but I always had a feeling
I was gonna be that one in a million
Always had high, high hopes

Be like water, my friend

Day 94 of 100 of WTFIW....F

hmmm...
this melting
has revealed something that was perhaps forgotten

looks like a hiatus has arrived
beckoning like a maneki-neko
"This way. Come see."
and I love cats... sooooo
I will heed the universal dweller that guards the dimensional gates
and go.

There's a part of a wave that looks calm and motionless.
A part that isn't churned up with white oxygenated molecules...
but you know... it's only there for a very short time...
until the wave lifts...rises...surging with energy...
with the electrical energy flow of the earth...
and then...
crystals atop the waters as it breaks
scattering into a glorious enigma of ever expanding energy that couldn't be held by the sea.

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Day 95 of 100 of WTFIW....F

~ I looked, and behold, a white horse, and she who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to her, and she went out conquering and to conquer ~

that's all for today
I might be back tomorrow... or on the 100 day mark...or sometimes inbetween
at this moment there is nothing
but you see...
I have this doorway... and the knob... and the means to enter...
and so I will.
and I may not be available...
big things
are
right there...
just on the other side
and what they are I do not know
but I can feel they are what used to feel larger than me.
used to
now I'm used to them... and I can have them...
and these things never need sought
these things never need prior struggle to attain
these things are always mine
but sometimes we forget who we are
and what we have
and what limitless energies we hold




and the bathroom panels are up, except one.
see I was using the jig saw to cut the panels... but right now...
the jigsaw is being used as a weight prop and I can't move it until the glue dries
so the last panel will be for tomorrow
electric is on in there too (yay it didn't blow up!)
so panel... then putty for a slight texture on walls... then paint or trim
then cleaning.
then...nothingness besides sewing a santa suit
and next big project is either yard, garage, or hallway
but most likely whatever I feel like, yo. 
Could get interesting.
New energy is on the other side of that door.

Surrender to the light

Day 93 of 100 of WTFIW....F

that leaves me with finishing out 1 more week
1 more week of What Ever The Fuck I Want....Feel
which is perfectly fine,
I'm kinda over starting all my blog posts with it, haha.
and even more so is that I've been shifted past this.
not in a linear sense...from here to there... or further along... no
but into something else.
something different
...
which is into surrender.
etymology speaking....
this means to --turn over, give back...
-- like flipping your grilled cheese sandwich over...
so both sides can get grilled...
and you're not left with a soft side that sticks in your teeth
... and a crunchy savory side..
the whole thing gets to be savory
-- like tanning in the sun... and then flipping over
ya know... giving back ;)

returning only meant to move more in the focus of Source
returning... giving back... to Source
and turning over... to Source

 that's where this world drifts.
what it all means or where it all leads is up to Source
perhaps what is found will be shared
perhaps....

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hmmm.... I just had an epiphany.
with that grilled cheese analogy...

the divided mind sees both this and that, good and bad, cooked and uncooked
... both is okay...
but ...
it wouldn't be a grilled cheese sandwich without completeness
...
ahhh.
that's us.
that's us
we are Source... and only the mind wants to divvy shit up into categories
but surrendering to the complete-ness of everything....
will take you to Source

in simple terms.... stop thinking, it gets in the way
but much more complicated than that if you try to understand. ;)
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So, the bird room side of the bathroom door is done except for a possible paint job

handle made it in YAY! now it's a 'complete' door, haha
tomorrow paneling goes up and electrical gets done
   (yes, I am an electrician too...when I need to be)
oh...and there now a beautiful cut in the linoleum that I was not intending to replace.
   (it was my fault. Completely.)
found out the table in the bird room has a broken leg...
  (luckily it did not give out while I was standing on it)
butter substitutes for baking are not kosher.
  (really, you should just go to the store. Honor your fucking cookies.)
speaking of... honor everything. Give it dignity and triumph.
  (you just need a little umph after the try)

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Soul still dances. She's wearing the sunglasses with the built on visors.
She looks like she's from the 80's
but isn't she?
I love her hair... when will my hair be like hers?
Music plays loudly, but there's no source as much as it surrounds the room
It's dark, but colored lights spin and cast a rainbow on the walls, on the floor
the ceiling glitters like there was an actual disco ball in the room
but that's what Soul is...
Soul reflects all the light and casts it about the dark...
like wildness
like fire
like chaos

no one knows about her and her dance
no one can hear the music
but I do
I do.

got to honor that energy, yo

Day 89 of 100 of WTFIW....F

but it's almost tomorrow
as the night is what beckons words...
whether they form correctly or not
pour out... all of this day
for a new one will come with the rising sun

and now....
is trying to wrestle me away
whilst also offering a blank page...
which I am not even obligated to write or to finish
but perhaps something will come...

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---
so there's a new door in the bathroom downstairs.
it still needs a door handle...
why my mind didn't even consider getting a door handle when
I picked up the door is beyond me.
paneling on one side will go back up tomorrow,
electrical stuff will be finished..
then pick up the panels and trim for bathroom, not tomorrow, but on a rainless day...
bathroom redo is set to be complete by...
um... idk
I guess all of it by the 25th
because any sooner will not allow room for procrastination
in the case that it wants to arrive.
and even though this week it could get done...
I like keeping to a degree of ZERO percent 'have to'


--
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awareness has lit up an energy anomaly that I need to tend to
because keeping your energy sacred and in alignment to the universe
is what provides a safe space for the universe to dwell in you...
and for you to dwell within it....

stay sacred
stay awake
stay in love




----
and as soon as I find my outline....
starting a screenplay just after the bathroom project
and it gets a 15 day window
and no procrastination will be involved.
assuming it will be a feature....
Intentions lie on doing 1 screenplay a month for 3 months...
that's April, May, and June.
And then we will see how we feel about it after that.

88 ways to change your life

Day 85 and 86 of 100 of WTFIW....F

Loud music.

a mix of weird alternative songs
some plaid
long hair
and the forest
or the beach at night
with a bonfire
....one maybe a bit out of control
and boots that are actually comfortable
and the gypsy looking dude who plays the guitar
and my hand in yours
and trying to run in the sand
but we just laugh...
cause no one can really run in sand
and we frolic like toddlers with stars in our eyes
as we hold each other
and the unkempt children want our attention
because we are the cool kids
and we give it to them
and heaven spins around us even as we dance through the world

I haven't forgotten you.

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Saturation:
and the world bleeds so much we can't even see the wound
certainly can't find the cure...
how can you find me underneath this pile of noise?
being the ocean, not hard to find...
oh.. but wait...
I'm the depths...
and not many can see this far....
like the ones who still dare to gaze up at the stars...
from the very few left that can even see them...
out of the ones who even recall that they exist.
lovely isolation.
a beautiful thing it all is...

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next day.... because yesterday's wasn't that long....
and I didn't feel like posting.

tuned the piano today
will need tweaked a bit more, as the tuning app I used wasn't the greatest
it's not hard like people say it is
*insert eye roll  - amateurs.

a part of me is dying
perhaps quicker than I'm willing to admit
it's scary
and the other part of me just wants to bury it already
dead or not
it's a helping hand, and I have time

didn't do nearly anything on my list that I intended to do
and tuning the piano wasn't even on it...
dinner got made, so that's a win
blueberry muffins sound great...
might go make some after I leave here...
I'm really just trying to meander around here, hoping something will pour out...
but alas... that doesn't seem to be the case.
there are random intentions I've agreed with...
but truthfully I'll probably forget them before they come to fruition
hence the part of me dying...
drying up as we speak... and soon to fall away
it's unknown what changes this will bring

it's weird lately, as no guides have appeared in the aether
which was foretold and expected...
but it's been strange since I've been allowed to wander freely
at times I still call upon a few to explain something, which they do, but...
free reign is pretty cool, even if it's met with it's own lessons.
talked to someone new today....
and fuck me if this shit isn't capable of changing the entire universe
I'm swallowed up in complete mind shift
among other things...


breathe
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don't you hate those moments when your soul wants you to do something...
but your mind is like 'NO! Absolutely not! You don't need it.'
and soul is like, 'YES! No explanations needed! I've got this! TRUST ME!'
and I trust soul...
but mind is screaming... 'Do you realize how much that costs?'
...I glance at soul... she's dancing in the dark, with lights... with music..sunglasses
mind stares at me with arms crossed... shaking head..
soul still dances..
mind stares at me, not breaking away..
soul dances... in the dark...stars all around her

let me tell you a secret... about the back door...
about the rescue boat
the ship that carries you to the heavens...
let me tell you ... about the ark...
that travels the dark...
through the door...
D- ark.

and I know... to follow the feeling..
feeling is the compass... and the channel
mind feels scared.  soul feels free.
mind feels confused.  soul feels alive.
mind feels terrified.  soul feels expansive.
mind can't grasp what the universe wants to say
mind can never fully hold all what the universe is
never never never... until the mind let's go...
and trusts... and watches... and waits...
and then..
behold... the glory, that doesn't come until the harvest...
until the rains cease, and the water recedes

soul spins as the stars dance around her
music echoes, the dark holds them all
mind watches... mind wants what she has...
everything
everything
let go
let go
trust
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that may have been too deep...
this perfect paradise...




















She sat beside me, knowing me more than I know myself.
'What should I do?'... I would ask her...
because she's a warrior, closer to the goddess than the I, I sit as
'All you ever can do.' She replies.
Wind blows... we are at the sea's edge... braids in her hair...
'Guidance, when sought. A safe place, always. And unconditional love, continuously.'
'All we can do for another... is be who we are, and exactly what they need.'
'No one is ever in need of reprimanding, or controlling, or coercion. Not them, not you, not anyone.'
'If you can't trust yourself, how can you ever trust them?'

heart bleeds and wants to be her
strong, courage, unmovable, steady, sure, a space for all of me
but...
I already am...
she's channel eigthy-fucking-eight!
   (this reference is about changing channels to a higher level, no explaining today)

mind is stumped and can't comprehend what just happened...
soul smiles and does that stupid wink and point of finger... (what a dork)
she knew all along this would tie together in this beautiful art
and mind is trying to figure out how...why...how!!
and I'm laughing, because this is my whole life...
this insanity and this miracle...
this heaven and hell... I'm the universe and I love it all.

stop writing book scenes...

Day 84 of 100 of WTFIW....F

....
but there isn't a place for that anymore
the wants.
the feels.
there is only a being-ness

all are welcomed here
even the dislikes
the unwants
the numbings

take all of me
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sometimes we search for a safe place
somewhere where we can stretch out
relax
sleep out in the open....
oh, how I admire those of you who can close your eyes while others surround you
what do you see... where have you gone
how can you trust so boldly

and this place only granted me with minimal sanctuaries
many which have fallen away
many which have been lost
or forgotten
it's only in the small hours where the soul can exhale
when all other eyes are shut
when the constant yelling of other souls cease
fade away to dreamland, so I can sleep.
let me sleep
let me crawl into the arms of safety
where nothing can intrude upon this silence
leave me be
the only place I'm safe, is here...
for even time and pain and sorrow can not pass the gatekeeper
and I can dwell in these realms in peace.

but this is me...
and I wander back to this world far too often
embracing this glorious disaster
it kills me
suffering deeply at every soul that approaches
god, if you even had an inkling of the magnitude and torture of this existence...
sometimes covering the obtrusive noises goes unnoticed
very often unknown
other times misunderstood and redefined wrongly
very often in error
the body moves and even as I struggle to stay within it....
you can't imagine the heavens that the soul would surrender the world for.
the place of rest.
the place called home.
the place where everyone to whom it belongs, waits.
....with the exception of the few who are in body.
the very few.

ah, I belong to you, only so much as you can catch me....
only so much as you know me...
how much do you know the stars? their names, their hearts?
the ocean? it's depths? it's keepers?
the forest? it's dance, it's secrets?
the light? it's sound? it's comfort?
the feel of a song... the color of a dream...?

and my very good friend...
reminds me of the wholeness of us all...
and this soul would show herself to you...
if you could stand with her...
and you can only do that by standing yourself...
so rise...
all rise...
show me who you really are.

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productivity is on hiatus
I haven't done shit since the speed paintings
(but there happened to be a huge 'let's throw ten tons of knowledge on her!' event that night)

what do you feel like ....
writing?
ok

ummmm....
book scene?
that's always fun... even if it's totally different by the time I actually write the book
let's see... hmmmm....
before or after that last one I posted?
after...?
...ok...


* ~ ~
   I step backwards toward the shadows, keeping my gaze locked on __?__ (dude doesn't have a name yet). He tenses as his eyes shift just behind me where Kren appears from the darkness. I see his jaw tense as Kren takes my hand silently.
"Did you really think I would come here alone after what you've done?" I growl. "And now... you've sealed yourself once again."
   __?__'s breath quickens as realization swallows him. He glances back to the stone door as footsteps echo faintly from the hallway outside.
"I've underestimated you. Perhaps we can come to an arrangement." He offers, his eyes breaking away as he tries to rescue himself from his inevitable demise.
"Underestimated me?" I shake my head slightly. "You've underestimated all of us. Tristan, my clan, and especially my son."
   Kren and I vanish. __?__ turns abruptly as the stone door slowly opens, gently scraping the ground beneath it. Sweat coats his skin as ....................
 ~ ~ *


I totally can't give out that many hints.... who walks through the door?? You know them, but who are they? HAHA! Who's this dude?! What does Roo have to do with this?!

*swoon
so, Kren is still hot. <3
but this other dude is an asshole... he's had a rough life, but it's his own fault.
I'm not sure what his future holds
it's really not up to me... but the ones in charge...who walk into the room....
I'll let them decide.