Stairs make your heart beat harder than if you were walking on a field.

Sometimes I forget. I forget that lighthouses are towers and that towers have many steps....
Steps that seem unending and go on and on and on.
Steps that are cradled in darkness.
Steps that seem like the same step over and over again.
These tiring steps.
I didn't think about how hard it was going to be when I asked to be a lighthouse.
I didn't even realize how dark this flight of spiral stairs was going to be...I didn't even think about the steps....maybe I thought I could just fly to the top. I'm not sure what I was thinking.
Oh yeah...I was thinking of the blinding light that stretches out over the seas and thrusts the darkness into oblivion.... I was thinking that the waves could never break it open or make it tremble. I was thinking of the swirling colors of joy I'd paint it.
Oh but these steps.... they've made me want to surrender.


I was there in the spiral, struggling to force one leg upward, in the dim damp dark. Cursing these steps.
He was there just a step ahead of me. He turned back to me.
"Where do you go? Where do you go when I can't find you?" I had asked him. A bit of rage upon my tongue, because I hate it when he does that. I was grumbling...with honesty.
"Where do you think I go, when I'm not here?" He asked me in return.
    and he always answers the real questions with real questions that give real answers. My heart echoed the answer and I no longer feel the need to grumble...or even ever ask that again.
    ............ I go to prepare a place for you.........
Well, obviously I should have thought of that before asking the question, but I didn't. Maybe I thought he was just watching me freak out a bit every now and then from afar....for unendless reasons...but simply, no...he was doing something important for me....duh.

I can't remember now...but these steps...these steps I love. They told me a story the past few days. No, they wrote me a story. And I seem to find that taking the next step is easier. Turning up the next spiral is fulfilling. Slowly watching the darkness turn to a dim light is perfection....and we are almost to the top...or perhaps a window. I will accept either. I will accept a thousand more steps....a thousand more after that...so long as I can take them with you.
 ......and that song ...it played in my head today and those words seem more beautiful. And I laugh, because I know he has a sense of humor and he sends me these songs for no other reason than to see me smile....and to remind me that we are more than what we can imagine...and so is he.
 "But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door"
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ4Ib-7fJqY


"You are the ocean. And you are the forest, and the river, and the mountain. You are the sun, and the moon. You are the wind, the field, the earth, and the sky. You are the stars, and you are the fire."
This is what we are. All different, each of us. But we are one.... we are won.
He told me that the other day....thought I might share.
He speaks like a poet.



Anyway.... what's been happening in the other world in which I live...?
Sewing work. But I happen to like sewing work...most of the time.
Business stuff, like paperwork, and bills, and post office errands.
painting a table....that needs a second coat still.
Making a leprechaun costume...
Get to do cage stuff tomorrow I think for the boy. And if not raining, a parade.
Other plans....but I'm really just satisfied that I got the chance to write this blog post finally. It's been hanging with me for a week now. Although I wouldn't have gotten that song unless I was forced to wait...hmmm.
 Been missing my very good friend. Just haven't been able to chat lately.
But grateful the boss man is present recently.
Universal vibes have been giving me a sense of something exciting is on the way. ....well, I say universal vibes...but the boss man is chilling with me and everything is exciting when he's here. And there's totally some light up ahead..I can see it.
Not like I see this weird 4th dimensional stuff, but really....awesomeness is approaching.
And I feel like writing a book.... and playing a song...


..yep...that's it.

Random conversation with my crazy child on the same computer

no...I would LOVE to!
I do not want to go to the gym, thank you. But I do want to join a 15k race! Let's do it!

I would rather go skydiving
ME too! but you're too young..... boo hoo...grow up
why don't YOU grow up?!
My bones won't stretch any taller!!!
I have seen teenagers taller than you!
Me too!
Buy me a lollipop
The bank gives them away for free :)
I mean the big colorful round ones that are like 5 inches across
YOu mean with a 5 inch diameter?
......YES.
find one and I'll buy it for you, but I have to warn you that you probably will not finish it
I do not really care if i finish it or not.
why? it will go bad. Or do you plan to cover it with mod podge? If so you can just make one out of something like pipe cleaners or clay!!
No, i want to eat it and whatever i don't eat will either be thrown away or saved until later.
whatever....
NO
Good night skylar, I love you so much you make me crazy!
Does that mean you have a mental disorder? If you are going crazy then you need to see a therapist.
I'm not really crazy, I just say that to make other people think I'm aware of my special antics..... it makes them feel safe....yeah...safe
Are you going to murder them later that day?
No.
Lol i don't trust you
that's your choice...
So you're saying i should trust this weirdo?
You can trust me...I have your best interests at heart
You sound sinister. What are my interests then?
warm home, good food, freewill...computer time....and stuff for your birds....et al.
What does et al mean? And the rest is just good quality of life. You were the one who let me have the birds in the first place!
Et al....is latin. It means 'and others' or similar to etcetera. Etc.
Go to bed
Why

i need to go to bed
but you are writing a blog. do not lie to me MUAAHAHAHAHA
I'm not, I have to go to bed because I have to go to the gm in the morning.... and I was going ot write a blog post, but someone has taken over my plan ...and now I am TIRED!!!!
What kind of grammar is that??!!?!?
You could just give this a title and publish it as "random conversation with my crazy child on the same computer"
whateve..I can do that if you think it will work....but I had something grandeous to write about and something deep and insightful....now it's all got to wait until next time....
Who cares? this is better anyway!
ok
Great, now i'll give it a title and you can hit the button that says "Publish" OK?
Sure, why not.
Brilliant. 

what am i doing.... ? who knows anymore.

It's been what...5 or 6 days. I have a few dreadlocks, but have yet to do the rest of my hair....though I'm starting to not like the unbound strands, lol. There's a few I need to tighten up too, so luckily I did the type that can be taken out and redone if needs be. So live and learn, yes.

I quit that unfullfilling job! I'm happy, though I need to kinda go there to shop and don't want to just yet, lol. Waiting for them to forget me maybe, idk.

I'm almost done with Volume 1 of that book I'm reading...1 more volume to go....and then I might write a story. idk.

I'm having those fits of   ''ideas to make money'' which is so detrimental...as they all require time, effort, or money.....And even though most don't require much money at all, I'm rather stuck at not wanting to put too much time or effort into them just to 'see if they will work out'. I need to get to an unstuck point in which to focus and attack. I know how this story goes and I know I have to love it in order for it to work.... and i don't know why I bother contemplating ways to see if they would, when I could just not.

I'm still on the hunt, although I admit that I haven't spent very much time at all...or effort... into searching. Hardly any actually. I will need to plan a date for sure, otherwise it will not be a priority...when it really should be.

I'm watching the twilight series... and this makes me either want to turn into a vampire, or write a book. Ugh.
I'm sewing and sewing lately...and still need to edit pics, and paint tables, and paint dresses even. I have a to-do list, but now that I have all this time, I feel kinda great about the outlook of things, lol. So for the record, the best way to find time is to add something to your list....and then after awhile, drop it :) like a job.

You know what.... I don't have any complaints other than my useless rambling and theories. I like this hippie/viking lifestyle. Problem is I want to be a rich viking/hippie. Lol.

Hold on tight.....everything that drowns me...makes me wanna fly.

Today, today, live like you wanna.
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire.
Live like a warrior.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qf-DOEim250
    what was that I wrote last time about burning....?

Oh yes, this is just something awesome. I don't even have to look for these awesome things, they look for me. Sweet. We are blessed.
First day of not brushing my hair, hahahaha. I think I'll do the neglect and see what happens type of dreadlocks. For now.
First day of not working for someone else. I called and told them I was done, take me off the schedule, sorry, but not sorry. I hope they don't call me tomorrow to find out why.
My tree house has been approved and simplified. Hell yes.
I'm going to go part viking, part hippie.
And still thinking on that tattoo.....I need a very good artist.

I'm thinking of going skating (again) even though I earned a blister on my foot today.
This year is going to be great. I need skates..... knee pads.... warm weather....

I think I've been adopted by my daughter's cat. She won't leave me alone....but with this much awesomeness, I don't blame her. She even tells me when it's time to quit sewing and go upstairs to check emails or read before bed. She tells me when it's wake up time too. And when it's time to go downstairs, and when it's time for everything else I can't understand.

Sewing work.... need to paint 7 shirts tomorrow.
Then finish 2 dresses
Then loads more of tees.
Then more after that including a bunch of Tangled stuff.
    NEED to actually put stuff for sale in my etsy shop, lol. Now that I don't have to divide up my focus, I can do just that. Sweet. Going to make it tons more efficient and hopefully make a few sales.
Still thinking there's something I can do with some new stuff....but not sure of a plan of attack just yet.
  Painting a table within the next few days too....or tomorrow if I get the urge.

And....I'm on the hunt. Since I can't make my way to Burning Man anytime soon.... I'm going to hunt for them here. Maybe my unbrushed hair will attract them....or my awesome aura....cause it just got a layer of muck seared off of it.
But, I need to take little purposeful deliberate steady careful meaningful steps.... oh yeah.
Time to start counting stars * * * * * * * *********************************** * *  ** *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  ** *  *********** * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * *  ** * *  ** * * * ** * * * * * * * *  * * * * * * * * * * * * *  *  ** * * * * * ** * * * ** ***** **** * * * * * *** *

thinking...I'm thinking....yeah, no..wait, what?

Its that time of year I suppose.That time where you want to release everything that is not you....to step into the scalding fires of Hades and thank Lucifer for burning off the impurities...
Yeah.That time is now.
I'm thinking of getting dreadlocks started this year. I'm currently working on growing my hair out, but if I do dreads it will shorten it up quite a bit. Thinking of trying out those fake dreads first.
I'm thinking I'll go get a tattoo too. Yeah, a big one with a tree and a dragon and maybe the flower of life.
I'm thinking of putting in my notice at society work for the end of March. I have gardening to do and other things....anything else, even sleeping or sitting in the sun, that is a better use of my time. I don't know why I'm still there....besides maybe a bit of obligation. Oh curse that damn people-pleasing side of me. Shall the surface of the sun burn that shit away too, please.
I'm thinking of building a tree house, but I'm unsure if there are any building codes in Dunlapia. Not that it truly matters.... I will not ask permission or say I'm sorry.... on either terms. I just have to find a way to put really big 8x8's in the ground straight. And find lots of windows....lots of windows....and wood...that might help too.
I'm thinking of going all viking or something. Anything other than what I am now. That should be fun.
I'm thinking of many possibilities. Of many adventures, of many dreams, of many rendezvous in the night. I'm thinking that I'm alone.... no one else seems to be thinking at all. What a conundrum.
I'm thinking Netflix is like a drug. How can there be nothing on tv, when everything is on tv? It's as bad as watching cat videos on youtube....my god there is no end. BUT you realize that after the first wasted night watching them, you can logically decide not to even go there the next day. It's sort of like the same reason to avoid pinterest.....unless you are looking for something of course. Netflix however is harder to avoid...at least by certain individuals.
I'm thinking....of a way to make $500 a month, without any huge monetary investment up front. It must take less than 40 hours a month. It must not require early hours or late nights. It must not require cooking or door to door sales. It must provide a creative outlook though and ability for a minimum number of employees....like 1. It must be home based, cause I'm going to look funky for a little while once I get those dreads, lol. And it should not require too much in-person customer involvement. I'm a bit of an empath and I can only take so much.
And no sewing = NO
And no portrait photography = NO


late, going now, bye

Hidden among the universe. You won't find me there.

I feel we've come to and end.
Something is ending....and I'm not sure what it is. I'm not sure whether this is sunset and that a bright sunrise will come tomorrow or whether it will remain dark forever.
I don't like the dark. You can ask Logan about that. You can ask Jesus.
I'm not even going to post this blog link....so the only people ever going to read it, is those who find themselves here. I'm sure I won't say anything grand or infinite. I feel like that star....that star lingering the darkness, yet shining brightly...no one understands, and not many people look up at the night skies these days.
It's okay though....I read something yesterday that reminds me of things I have written about on my deviant journal....which I haven't written in for probably well over a year.
Yeah, those things I write and then go back to read and they are the future...and these things strike me not only with a sense of awe, not just an unusual awareness....but they reflect an energy that I don't have words for.
This will be my last post for a long while. or forever. There's something that I have to go do.....and this isn't helping me.
I feel like I'm at the finish line...

Truthfully, I'm scared.
It's like holding someone's hand...but your just not. It's like standing in front of Jesus....and then you wake up. It's like knowing you love someone and you miss them dearly...and obviously they didn't incarnate in this life with you and you're wondering why you have this hole gouged through your heart.
Worst case scenario...I don't want to die....
Everything else is great.

I'm tired....I'm sad....and I know it's coming....it's coming quickly and there's nothing that's going to make the earth stop spinning.


So I work part time at this unfullfilling job....I work at home too at a moderately decent job. Whatever has become of my plans/dreams...I do not know. They've dissipated. I can't decide whether to stop things I don't like or push through them. I can't decide whether to stand and fight, flee, or just watch.
I'm too tired to do much....I haven't had a decent conversation with the boss man for days...though in truth it feels like years....where is He?
and Logan....I'm too tired to talk and I fall asleep too soon....too soon.
And these humans who litter the earth....who are you people....I can't see you... You can't see me...because I'm hiding....but not because I want to...it's because I don't know who I am until I know who you are.... why do I have to be a fucking mirror?
I never asked to be a mirror....I asked to be a river....and it was so....and then I asked to be a star....and it was so....then I asked to be a lighthouse....and I don't know what that means yet.
all I hear radiating through my thoughts involve the crazy 88 and the constellations...chords, rhythms, music notes...the song of the heavens...and I don't know what to do with this....

God I love him. And I'm the only one caught up in this hurricane... I must go...I have to go to him. I want to.
It's not the same...the way others relate to him..... I've touched him....I've looked into his eyes...he's lifted me high as a child...and I've heard his voice and there isn't anything more that matters. I've seen his smile and his pain...
I love him...everything.... and I'm not sure where to go with this...I feel like that star about to become supernova. I feel like that lighthouse, alone, but standing ready...I feel like that river....swirling unending forward, with no hope of turning around or stopping. He's made me everything...because that's what we are.


What you feel is what you are...and what you are is beautiful.

Don't be bound by the book....

Some people can't enter the garden.....because they would judge half of it evil.

oh to see how everything would look if we just step outside....instead of merely looking through the glass. There's just too much information pouring in and perhaps it seems not enough time to absorb it all. Then we complain when we find the time to absorb it because things have slowed. Don't stop...let the rain come down. I would rather drown in this ocean than thirst to death.
That song....that partially annoying song plays again...Let it Go...Let it go, can't hold me back anymore... and you wonder why it's so famous....or perhaps overly used to the point of driving the country insane. It's true you know. That lingering underlying message it is sending out. That hidden frequency that radiates not just from those words, but from that speech...that song behind the song...the one on the other side. I can't explain in simple terms....but I understand, I hear it, and I see it. And I think it's a grand design.
No...it's not brainwashing children or anything....merely showing them the doorhandle. The one you have to turn to open the door. And they can feel it...those children....they don't even know it. We aren't going to recognize the future generations...they aren't going to have the same fear that plagues the world right now. They aren't going to have any fears at all. Nothing is going to keep them from the truth....not rules, not fear, not each other.
Let them sing. Let them....cause most of us are just getting in their way.

its 1am....and I need to go write an epilogue. and read some more of this book I'm reading. It has stuff about physics, science, history, chemistry...among other things in it....and no, it's not an educational book...unless you want to learn about .....I don't even know what to call it. other stuff. yeah. like architecture and alchemy...and mathematics and geometry....it really is an intriguing book so far.
see what I found hahaha.....

and sometimes you have to choose not to see the EVOL as evil....and yes, it is a choice...
but see it all as LOVE....cause it is. it makes the world go round.
Yeah lame...whatever.

Anyway.... yeah, that's it for today.