The stars...they have friends in high places.

She was dancing....spiraling in and out of the sunlight that radiated from between the trees. A song playing in her ears...the trees dancing with her.
Flowers tucked carefully in the grass, showing colors of velvet and of breeze. Peace floated off the light....love shone out from the star....

but

but....your chaos.....your chaos. It was too bright for the shadows...and the shadows rebelled against her...striking her down. How dare you shine your light, little star.....  how dare you find peace. How dare you embolden love and embrace it upon your lips. How dare you.....little star.
She stopped and pondered...why the shadows cursed at her. Are we not all part of one another? Her song died out and she forgot the words....those words.... the trees stood still like logs and the sunlight.....it became cold.
The flowers were scattered across the grass like weeds....showing colors of blood.
Peace.... now had to be fought for...
and love...
it had to be found....and it had to be earned.

Little star.....have you already forgotten....
you danced with the mountains for weeks....and then one moment comes that shakes you out of your dream and you turn cold.....like a dead star.
A star is chaos.....without it. it will die. Love is chaos....without it, it will suffer.

Little star.... I will fight for you.....

  -----------------------------------------------------------

Things take time..... time is what things are taking.
Not just waiting on fabric reps this time...but waiting on the shadows to no longer fear falling asleep.
.....waiting for myself to no longer make the shadow's fear an end to my dance.

I scribbled out some lists yesterday.... and wrote things on it the same way a bully would write on your book at school...in 8th grade. Because dancing is for children.....dancing is for dreamers....
I'm not allowed to be a dreamer....I'm not allowed to dance....
I'm not allowed to make the shadows upset....
My chaos isn't acceptable.
I'm not acceptable.
It's not acceptable to breathe.
It's not acceptable to smile.
Don't let the shadows see....don't let the dark see what the light is doing....because the light is not allowed to be.
Chaos...... chaos....is in me.

Hold the little star and she will burn you....
set her free...set her free.....

I cleaned house today. I also was told I was never satisfied.
I made bread crumbs. Placed fabric orders. Answered emails. And reminded that everything I say is unacceptable.
I cooked dinner. Washed dishes. And successfully made it through the day hating my own voice.

I closed my etsy shop except for appliqued tees. I put my facebook page on vacation. Still people emailed me. And I probably made a sale or two.

Oh...look... a kitty!!!!!! :)  :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)


 --------------------------------------------

“ that's why love is madness; it's too easy to lose your mind when you lose your heart. ”

bored.....and this wifi signal is irritating.....

We sang songs and skipped up steps, laughing all the while. Like two teenagers who've stayed up way longer than they should have...and everything is much more hysterical than it could ever be before....
Late night giggle fits, while singing ...follow the yellow brick road?? I don't know what we were doing....but it was fun.
No, the steps aren't yellow....but I think He mentioned it was time to paint the walls....


So...almost two months later...not by any fault of my own....I'm still waiting for other people to get the ball rolling. Accounts are pending....someone is at a trade show....or this other paper needs signed....
So I'm waiting.... but tomorrow is Monday and maybe something will start to cooperate.

American Pharaoh won again! And so did I! Sweet! 3 weeks till the next one. :)

There's this saying about if you want different results you have to make different choices...or something like that.....soooo.... this should be interesting....

I have 1 more week till vacation...give or take.
2 tees to sew, a dress, a onesie, and a set.....  and I'm still cringing that I'm working and the money has been spent and nothing else has been ordered.....
I'm debating what type of detergent to use when I toss SDD in the washer.... Tide? All? Gain? ....bleach?
Maybe a mix of All Gain....lol.....

The clothes in the washer go...whoosh whoosh whoosh...whoosh whoosh whoosh.

I'm not sure what happened to her....but I've discovered that she has been gone for awhile now.
I don't think she'll ever be back...no.....there's no coming back after a question like that.

"Do you feel safe with me?" He asked.
I'm clinging to his arm as if that was the oddest question I ever heard....dude....you're Jesus Christ, of course I feel safe!
Yeah....but we know how this goes....if you worry about anything....then I guess it's because you don't feel safe. I'll shut my mouth now about telling you those things that might be a possible problem to worry about.....because I'm suddenly not worried at all now....ever.

We are still climbing....but I'm not tired.
Still taking step after step....but it doesn't hurt.
Sometimes it gets dark, sometimes we are without a window to look out of....but the darkness flees as we walk.
He's been making me smile lately. I keep wondering what He's up to, like it's some new profound way of bringing me where I need to go. It's fascinating really....but I realize that my preprogrammed thoughts have been working against me....and everything is false....and everything is true. It's like going in the wash cycle....churning and turning....breaking up this grit. Rinse it out and wash again....as this gunk hasn't served me well.

Safe.
Safe.
 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


I feel like painting.
I feel like learning a dance that goes with a certain chinese song.....only because the anime people can do it.....so why can't I.
I feel like buying happy fabrics..... but I'm waiting on company reps to set up my wholesale accounts.
I feel excited on the inside....I'm bouncing in my seat and making those retarded clappy hands....on the inside....you'll never see me do that in real time....well....you might. *rolls eyes, I know I'm a dork.
I'm contemplating something drastic...yet exciting! But I'm not sure how to do it just yet. Still shuffling it around in my head, but the idea of putting ShadowDragon Dreams into the wash cycle with me might be in the works. Heck, who doesn't like to take a bubble bath.............on a roller coaster.
I picked up an old broken dresser on the side of the road (yay free!)....waiting for hubby to fix it to my liking so I can paint it!
Almost done with sewing orders ........ almost done for good.....what a boring job lately. Me and boring don't work well together. Well.....me a not making sales....don't work well together. So yeah...washing machine. I have 8 left....which is way way way below norm....not cool economy....not cool at all.
Picnic tomorrow.....why not. No one wants to do anything around here! Time to break out the educational assessment notebook! (Yay school, but not really!) Now I need cash and 4 white bodysuits....and a big ass piece of paper....and paint..... I love paint!
Ooohhh! Preakness Stakes is on the 16th! American Pharoah and Carpe Diem (which he better freaking win something this time) Horsies!!!
 The sun is warm and the rain hasn't shown it's face enough..... I'm outta here, later gators~ Don't you just whoosh you were clean!

Love will find a way....just give it time.

It's been darker lately.
Even the light of the tiny windows I pass doesn't give this dark tower any joy.
He's been here with me...every step.
"Do you want to go on?" He asks.
"Yes." ....because there's something at the top I want to see...I want to feel...I want to be.

I struggle. Like an old record...I take step after step...and each one is hard. Each one bring more pain.
"Do you want to stop and rest?" He asks.
 I pause, wondering if I want to rest in this place....
"No."  ..... because I'd rather at least rest by a window...any sort of light is better than none.
Sometimes I hate these steps...and these steps burn.

"Is it the step you hate?" He asks. "Or is it the pain it causes you when you take it?"

So it can't be the step.....now can it.
My weak burning muscles....my inability to climb without feeling the burn.
It's something in me that I hate...not the step. This step is only telling me to look to the inside...for it is in the inside that suffers.
And this presses me deeper...farther...higher. I can't form words to tell of the broken parts of myself. But these steps have chosen to reveal them. These steps I love.
"Is he your Lord?" He asks me as I'm caught up in a series of memories.
"No." I shake my head. "You are."
"Then let me be." He kneels down to me with more unspoken words that race through my thoughts like sunbeams. I understand.

"Do you want to continue?" He asks.
"Yes." I nod.....knowing it's darker ahead. Knowing...and loving it still.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

So ....my other life...
this one...a small part perhaps...but most people think of it as my only one.
There's a crack on my mini laptop's screen..... I know who used it last....it still works, thankfully....
Sewing work.... I hate sewing. This job is not very satisfying lately. I'm unenthused and rather bored with it. I need a long vacation. Too bad there's this reliance on some sort of income from it.
The Hobo Patch......waiting on everyone else to do their jobs.... I'm ready when I get certain things from certain institutions.....bummer.
Photography.... I have a job next weekend.
Bills.....hahahahahahaha! I'm really trying hard to find excuses not to pay them. I have failed successfully. I currently own $15 and haven't made a sale in a long time.... please buy something from me.
Kids..... I work too much to plan decent projects/outings/educational activities......however...one has found a liking to an after school program although I guess it will be over in a few weeks....and the other is going to a robotics class this summer....
Weather....rain...nothing but rain. Boooooooo!!!
Garden.... wet and muddy at the moment.
House....the places I use most are clean....does that count.
Me....I'm fine. yeah. whatever. No, I'm dying inside. But I'm happy too....that make sense?
Pets....the cat will not shut up! and the dogs are shedding....the bird is so cute, but likes to pick my zits....the other birds are fine. The ferret is good too.
Dreams....nothing good....
Hubby....let's just say he's that #!$%@# step I love. :)


what else do I do..... lots of stuff....but I find that most of it is not something I would choose.
....... perhaps at another time I'll find something more exciting to write about! :)

My very good friend.... he said that ."....even if we are on different paths, it doesn't mean we won't end up at the same destination...."

The Architect built the lighthouse.
But alas... why do we even need them anymore.
Many are abandoned and forgotten. Left to become a symbol of neglect.
They are cute, perhaps a mirage of design from the past. Towering spires with a flame atop its head.
But nonetheless neglected. Cracking....fading....
Did the Architect think of how it'd be left to face the world alone.

I can't remember when I wrote this.....it was awhile ago....and ..it was a window.

Stairs make your heart beat harder than if you were walking on a field.

Sometimes I forget. I forget that lighthouses are towers and that towers have many steps....
Steps that seem unending and go on and on and on.
Steps that are cradled in darkness.
Steps that seem like the same step over and over again.
These tiring steps.
I didn't think about how hard it was going to be when I asked to be a lighthouse.
I didn't even realize how dark this flight of spiral stairs was going to be...I didn't even think about the steps....maybe I thought I could just fly to the top. I'm not sure what I was thinking.
Oh yeah...I was thinking of the blinding light that stretches out over the seas and thrusts the darkness into oblivion.... I was thinking that the waves could never break it open or make it tremble. I was thinking of the swirling colors of joy I'd paint it.
Oh but these steps.... they've made me want to surrender.


I was there in the spiral, struggling to force one leg upward, in the dim damp dark. Cursing these steps.
He was there just a step ahead of me. He turned back to me.
"Where do you go? Where do you go when I can't find you?" I had asked him. A bit of rage upon my tongue, because I hate it when he does that. I was grumbling...with honesty.
"Where do you think I go, when I'm not here?" He asked me in return.
    and he always answers the real questions with real questions that give real answers. My heart echoed the answer and I no longer feel the need to grumble...or even ever ask that again.
    ............ I go to prepare a place for you.........
Well, obviously I should have thought of that before asking the question, but I didn't. Maybe I thought he was just watching me freak out a bit every now and then from afar....for unendless reasons...but simply, no...he was doing something important for me....duh.

I can't remember now...but these steps...these steps I love. They told me a story the past few days. No, they wrote me a story. And I seem to find that taking the next step is easier. Turning up the next spiral is fulfilling. Slowly watching the darkness turn to a dim light is perfection....and we are almost to the top...or perhaps a window. I will accept either. I will accept a thousand more steps....a thousand more after that...so long as I can take them with you.
 ......and that song ...it played in my head today and those words seem more beautiful. And I laugh, because I know he has a sense of humor and he sends me these songs for no other reason than to see me smile....and to remind me that we are more than what we can imagine...and so is he.
 "But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door"
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ4Ib-7fJqY


"You are the ocean. And you are the forest, and the river, and the mountain. You are the sun, and the moon. You are the wind, the field, the earth, and the sky. You are the stars, and you are the fire."
This is what we are. All different, each of us. But we are one.... we are won.
He told me that the other day....thought I might share.
He speaks like a poet.



Anyway.... what's been happening in the other world in which I live...?
Sewing work. But I happen to like sewing work...most of the time.
Business stuff, like paperwork, and bills, and post office errands.
painting a table....that needs a second coat still.
Making a leprechaun costume...
Get to do cage stuff tomorrow I think for the boy. And if not raining, a parade.
Other plans....but I'm really just satisfied that I got the chance to write this blog post finally. It's been hanging with me for a week now. Although I wouldn't have gotten that song unless I was forced to wait...hmmm.
 Been missing my very good friend. Just haven't been able to chat lately.
But grateful the boss man is present recently.
Universal vibes have been giving me a sense of something exciting is on the way. ....well, I say universal vibes...but the boss man is chilling with me and everything is exciting when he's here. And there's totally some light up ahead..I can see it.
Not like I see this weird 4th dimensional stuff, but really....awesomeness is approaching.
And I feel like writing a book.... and playing a song...


..yep...that's it.

Random conversation with my crazy child on the same computer

no...I would LOVE to!
I do not want to go to the gym, thank you. But I do want to join a 15k race! Let's do it!

I would rather go skydiving
ME too! but you're too young..... boo hoo...grow up
why don't YOU grow up?!
My bones won't stretch any taller!!!
I have seen teenagers taller than you!
Me too!
Buy me a lollipop
The bank gives them away for free :)
I mean the big colorful round ones that are like 5 inches across
YOu mean with a 5 inch diameter?
......YES.
find one and I'll buy it for you, but I have to warn you that you probably will not finish it
I do not really care if i finish it or not.
why? it will go bad. Or do you plan to cover it with mod podge? If so you can just make one out of something like pipe cleaners or clay!!
No, i want to eat it and whatever i don't eat will either be thrown away or saved until later.
whatever....
NO
Good night skylar, I love you so much you make me crazy!
Does that mean you have a mental disorder? If you are going crazy then you need to see a therapist.
I'm not really crazy, I just say that to make other people think I'm aware of my special antics..... it makes them feel safe....yeah...safe
Are you going to murder them later that day?
No.
Lol i don't trust you
that's your choice...
So you're saying i should trust this weirdo?
You can trust me...I have your best interests at heart
You sound sinister. What are my interests then?
warm home, good food, freewill...computer time....and stuff for your birds....et al.
What does et al mean? And the rest is just good quality of life. You were the one who let me have the birds in the first place!
Et al....is latin. It means 'and others' or similar to etcetera. Etc.
Go to bed
Why

i need to go to bed
but you are writing a blog. do not lie to me MUAAHAHAHAHA
I'm not, I have to go to bed because I have to go to the gm in the morning.... and I was going ot write a blog post, but someone has taken over my plan ...and now I am TIRED!!!!
What kind of grammar is that??!!?!?
You could just give this a title and publish it as "random conversation with my crazy child on the same computer"
whateve..I can do that if you think it will work....but I had something grandeous to write about and something deep and insightful....now it's all got to wait until next time....
Who cares? this is better anyway!
ok
Great, now i'll give it a title and you can hit the button that says "Publish" OK?
Sure, why not.
Brilliant.