The Boss, the guide, and a pirate.

 Mirror, Mirror...on the wall.....

I have issues.
So the mirrors....yeah...well, they have melted.
I can't see myself. I have no idea who I am.
I have no clue what I want or what I want to do.
just...great.

He's nearby....but it's seems my focusing abilities have been shot.
I'm more frustrated.
I'm more disheartened.
I'm more alone.
.....they say to have faith.
I've more than had it with 'them'.
He's never told me that. Not even once.

You would think there was someone....

I heard that name a few days ago....
It means to overcome....victorious....to prevail...conquer.
I can't find that name on google...yet there it was.
So what do I do with that....

I thought of things to do....
I thought of ideas and hoped to make plans.
I thought I could take down all the challenges and overtake the obstacles.
I wasn't afraid.
I wasn't unwilling.....
....until today.
I'm not going to make plans....or ponder ideas.
I'm not going to be able to attempt challenges or overtake obstacles.
I am afraid.
I am unwilling.
I don't know what to do.....
Why has it gotten like this? Why must I be barraged with these odd and end sufferings?
They are not even the norm.... Are they?
I've certainly haven't heard of this type of trial.
I'm so fucking broken.
I am weak. and I am unwilling to fight my way out of it.
I'm not going to do anything.
And I will lie here until He tells me what to do.
If the tower burns....if the waves drown us....if the sky falls....if the storm pounds across my face until it bleeds....
I'm going to wait until He tells me to move.
Fuck that other shit of seeing if this or that might work or be worthwhile. Fuck it all.
I'm a fucking PIRATE!


I'm not going to do anything.


.....
I can hear them talking with one another.
The Boss Man and my very good friend....
I know they are in cahoots with each other...but they are talking about me in front of me.
I can't quite hear what they are saying though.
I'm looking at the both.... they always seem so happy....
the boss man keeps a slight smile on his face when he looks my way. It's as if I actually bring him some form of joy. yeah...whatever dude.
My very good friend glances my way too, but he's very good at sticking to his theme of being a supportive and calming guide to me. ...whatever...I know he's thrilled with me no matter what I do.... not sure why I can't think the same thing of the boss man. Logically I know he is too, but there's something blocking that heart wise.
For some reason he won't fix me.
You would also think that they might be disappointed in my rant....or disprove of my choice of words...but they don't speak of it. My very good friend has that look on his face though. He doesn't necessarily condone the way I write emotively. The boss man though....he still smiles....with that twinkle in his eyes...like he doesn't even see all the crap I do. God, I love him.

All this time....and I feel I haven't made any real progress. Whether it be in spiritual terms, or reality terms.
Emotionally maybe....a lot in that sense....but all else seems like it never really changed. What a waste of time I've become.

I glance back over the them.
My very good friend....he'd scold me about thinking that way.
the boss man....he doesn't know time....and looking at him....nothing is a waste to him....nothing, not even me.
"Come." He reaches out his hand. "Let's walk."