Truely holy, holey, wholely...whathaveyou

*sigh.
Not a sigh of relief. Or of frustration. Just of letting go.

We all sometimes feel like a bucket. A bucket, like a metal pail.
And we have these holes in us. Holes that let water leak out unsurrendering.
The bucket is us. The water is ...energy. Be it time, money, focus, whathaveyou.
And we continually try and try to fight against our buckets being leaked dry by our holey selves.
The holes are our attempts. Bills, deadlines, worries...whathaveyou.

But then...
yeah... He comes along and laughs.... but I don't think this struggle is very funny.
He takes our bucket selves and tosses us into the sea, lake, river, whathaveyou.
We become instantly full....constantly full. Nothing leaks out.
Swallowed up by abundance. Drowned in energy...Inner G.

But what good is a bucket sitting at the bottom of a pond....
(It's an analogy you nut head!) my very good friend jests.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _



My shoulder hurts. Violin does that.
I'm tired. Getting up at 7am does that.
But I'm swimming in abundance....best friends do that.

Consult the Cats is up and running.
 http://consultthecats.weebly.com/

I find it rather unfair I couldn't post a paypal link to the website without being forced to pay for it. It's 2016
and they still need to make a buck out of everyone, even if you are just having some fun, trying out random ideas. Sure...go ahead and punish us for doing things ourselves. Fuck you internet.

Power off

Spamware...pop-ups....random programs that make your life full of chaotic frustration. Close one only for another to pop up. Most of them are random games that you've never heard of before.
Happy, colorful, musical, something along the line between fun and annoying....
but they are no where near fun when they cause strife.
annoying...indeed. especially when you have work to do.

running your malware program is supposed to work, right?
yeah.... but sometimes you have to do a whole reboot.
sometimes you have to do a memory dump.
sometimes you have to uninstall programs and update to the new versions.
or we can just turn off the computer.

.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
most unsettling dreams that synchronize with awareness cause one to be jolted awake
.....
.....
.....
I will uninstall all these programs
I will do a memory dump too
I will make sure to reboot
The computer will only turn on when I allow it to.
.....
g'day

mutiny....that sets the tower on fire....and the ocean ablaze....we all will burn

these things have been rapt asunder.
it's a frightful thing to see things pull apart....though I'm not the one who's afraid.
like a high pitched voice that can't be heard by the ears of the base drum.
like the vibrations of atoms that can't be felt by those left behind.
hurry up.
catch up.
come with us....come with me.

i can hear them.
it's like a screaming and only the heroes can hear.
you were my hero....once upon a time.
buffered...you are dampening the rhythms.
too afraid to let them touch you.
too afraid.
take my hand.
i can show you how to walk.

you can't put out a star....for she is fire.
you can't drown her....she has been the sea.
you can't cover her....she'll burn right through your shield.
you can't even hide our face....for she sees more than you or i could ever imagine.

how much longer till the channel changes.
how much longer do we have until we can't find each other.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------






















so.... I'm tossing things in the garbage like company's coming over.
subconsciously making room for something....something.

this is all a game and I'm no longer playing.
this is a game....and I can see them behind the glass
they know i know....at least that i know something more than i used to.

fuck this shit.
fuck all this shit.
time to burn it down.

Hello, from the other side.....

want to hear something...?
these vibrations are beautiful and this is where I live and why i'm no longer a part of you.


So ....
there's this thing when you split yourself into two separate entities...and you can look upon yourself...
in two different ways...
there's the part of you that dances in the light...and you are spirit....and you are free...and you are.
there's the part that stands in the dark...and you are earth..you are flesh...and you are pain.

and the light smiles and sits with the boss man and her very good friend....and they discuss the dark side...
what does she need?
how can we help her...

and the dark is firm...and kneels by the boss man and clings to her very good friend...and they discuss the light side...
what does she need?
how can we help her...

the dark shivers, but she wants the light to be loved...to be safe.....
she needs a home.... she needs to be safe...
let's keep her safe... let's make sure she can be all that she is....
this is what the dark side says as they look upon the light side who lies coloring on the floor....

the light tilts her head, she wants the dark side to be calm...to be loved...to be safe.....
she needs to be seen....she needs someone to be willing to challenge her walls.
I'll give them wings...to fly over them....says the boss man.
I'll give them fire... to burn them down, the light side says.
We should give her me. The very good friend says....
Light side stares at him....both sides want him....
But will I still have you here....here we both have you....
he smiles.... but doesn't speak...
How else can we help her....
Light watches the dark side.... scared and lonely dark side...
Send her a song... so she can remember...
Send her a song....

And it was so....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQHsXMglC9A

bzzzzzzz...zzzzaaaappp! - something is getting fried...

I'm thinking of moving off of blogger...
we are going to move over to facebook instead....
or maybe both....
write here ...post in both... I don't know, I'm hashing ideas right now without making any decision.
You know how that goes.
Or not post at all and just write here.... *sigh.
what a waste of energy.

all these short circuiting ideas...aaaaahhhhh!!!!

mind you that I spent about 5 hours so far playing Freecell....
yes the stupid free card game on the computer.
yes... intentionally
to basically keep my brain from thinking....
to prevent misfires.
to abate the fire storm on the horizon.
I would play Agar.io ...but getting eaten by large dots stresses me out.
Starting a new game on freecell does not.


I wrote out a rough outline of Book 4
I need more fillers....otherwise I'll only end up with 10-15 chapters.
I'm not in the thinking mood right now though.


sigh....
 guess I'll go waste time.
bye!

The crow is a rebel...a renegade...a pioneer.

So ShadowDragon Dreams is on hiatus - woo hoo!
No orders, no pending things I 'have' to do.
No forced sewing.

of course, that goes hand in hand with no money. ha.
oh well.

The Hobo Patch is doing well....meeting my quotas, lol.
of course, doubling my income with it would be better....just saying.
I just started a blog page, but have yet to post the first post....all my pics are on my other computer.
I sell at a shop in Rossville too....going well. Out of all my stuff there I sold about $160 worth in 20 days.
Better than expected, so hoping it stays in the black.

JCMidKnight is sitting at idle.... I know what I want to do..... it's beginning that's hard.

Will probably start Book 4 soon. I have the first sentence ready :)  !!!
I have the gist of it...but missing much of the substance. I should probably reread book 3 so I know where I need to pick up from....you know...all those parts I left hanging.

I have my first dog boarding gig starting tomorrow. His name is Reagan. We are going to be good friends by the time his owner picks him up on Sunday.
We'll try this out for a bit and see how it goes. I like dogs, and I get paid, extra bonus.

What else do I have going on... ??
Driving a teenager around so she can do her stuff. So much for that anti-social homeschooling idea.
The boy is still 11...he likes video games. I'm home free for a while longer with him.
The hubs....ugh. He's in the same place I left him 12 months ago....binge watching idiotic shows on netflix.
Looking for inspiration otherwise..... I'll come up with something probably.

My train of thought has derailed.


Ok....other stuff.

So....we walked....I'm pretty sure we are still walking.
but yeah.....the boss man has a way to make the perilous things, not so.
And a way to make the hopeful things, more so.
He gave me a riddle....
"Only a crow flies against the wind.  Why do you think that is?"
No, not only crows do this, but I'm sure the crow stands for something.
Planes fly against the wind to get lift too...but I have no idea if that's relevant.
I have a suspicion it's a metaphor relating to me.
A metaphor summing up that even though it's harder to get where you're wanting to go...it ends up being faster. Rising higher as you go.
and the crow's a pirate, like me..... arrrrgh!


I've got to get to bed. Mindy coming to meet tomorrow at 1 and Reagan at 4. Yay for dog-sitting!

The Boss, the guide, and a pirate.

 Mirror, Mirror...on the wall.....

I have issues.
So the mirrors....yeah...well, they have melted.
I can't see myself. I have no idea who I am.
I have no clue what I want or what I want to do.
just...great.

He's nearby....but it's seems my focusing abilities have been shot.
I'm more frustrated.
I'm more disheartened.
I'm more alone.
.....they say to have faith.
I've more than had it with 'them'.
He's never told me that. Not even once.

You would think there was someone....

I heard that name a few days ago....
It means to overcome....victorious....to prevail...conquer.
I can't find that name on google...yet there it was.
So what do I do with that....

I thought of things to do....
I thought of ideas and hoped to make plans.
I thought I could take down all the challenges and overtake the obstacles.
I wasn't afraid.
I wasn't unwilling.....
....until today.
I'm not going to make plans....or ponder ideas.
I'm not going to be able to attempt challenges or overtake obstacles.
I am afraid.
I am unwilling.
I don't know what to do.....
Why has it gotten like this? Why must I be barraged with these odd and end sufferings?
They are not even the norm.... Are they?
I've certainly haven't heard of this type of trial.
I'm so fucking broken.
I am weak. and I am unwilling to fight my way out of it.
I'm not going to do anything.
And I will lie here until He tells me what to do.
If the tower burns....if the waves drown us....if the sky falls....if the storm pounds across my face until it bleeds....
I'm going to wait until He tells me to move.
Fuck that other shit of seeing if this or that might work or be worthwhile. Fuck it all.
I'm a fucking PIRATE!


I'm not going to do anything.


.....
I can hear them talking with one another.
The Boss Man and my very good friend....
I know they are in cahoots with each other...but they are talking about me in front of me.
I can't quite hear what they are saying though.
I'm looking at the both.... they always seem so happy....
the boss man keeps a slight smile on his face when he looks my way. It's as if I actually bring him some form of joy. yeah...whatever dude.
My very good friend glances my way too, but he's very good at sticking to his theme of being a supportive and calming guide to me. ...whatever...I know he's thrilled with me no matter what I do.... not sure why I can't think the same thing of the boss man. Logically I know he is too, but there's something blocking that heart wise.
For some reason he won't fix me.
You would also think that they might be disappointed in my rant....or disprove of my choice of words...but they don't speak of it. My very good friend has that look on his face though. He doesn't necessarily condone the way I write emotively. The boss man though....he still smiles....with that twinkle in his eyes...like he doesn't even see all the crap I do. God, I love him.

All this time....and I feel I haven't made any real progress. Whether it be in spiritual terms, or reality terms.
Emotionally maybe....a lot in that sense....but all else seems like it never really changed. What a waste of time I've become.

I glance back over the them.
My very good friend....he'd scold me about thinking that way.
the boss man....he doesn't know time....and looking at him....nothing is a waste to him....nothing, not even me.
"Come." He reaches out his hand. "Let's walk."