Sewing to Eternity in 5 minutes...

Spent most of the morning sewing...now my knee is kinda stiff as hell...yay...
But I have the entire top and back panels of the Alice in Wonderland dress completed...haha, I love when things get done and look so cool....but yeah, I still have to do all the ten thousand applique designs on the front...fun fun, but if I stay on track I will have this thing finished today!..."if" I stay on track..

Had a dream last night...not too whacked besides that the dog brought home 2 little alien arms...whole arms...
And it was kinda gross, but somehow they got zapped with some device and the alien came back to life (from the arms)...then we had to run and hide from the alien ships...because we had the alien kid...gosh, I'm so sick of alien crap...please go away.

Oh, and the milk free cheese is kinda gross when compared to kraft...ugh. Tastes similar to the cheapest crap you can buy at the dollar store...at least on grilled cheese it does.
...today I feel like I'm expecting something...but no clue as to what. Sucks actually

And I want to paint something....but 'have' to finish work first, or at least part of it...ugh......and I KNOW I should just do what I want...and disregard the 'holy shit you better get this stuff done before Friday' list. ...but I find it rather difficult when no one is here to lift up the shades.....




Darkened skies....lingering smoke from the fires of despair. Smoldering coals that fill the land and sear the flesh. It takes me back...back to the memory that was more than a memory...but a lifetime.
Pillars standing tall above the crowd of the masses that screamed from the lands below. Musty brown and red air surrounded them. Like smoke, like darkness. The people screamed and yelled and amassed together....so many...as far as the eye could see.
There were few pillars with distant sould atop each one...those who were lifted up from the chaotic madness below.
Here I stood on top of one...It was rock and lifted high above the smog and ash.
He stood there before me and asked..."Look below you, what do you see?"
I looked down at the dusty ground and said..."Nothing...dirt, dust."
"Then what is below you, keep it below you.... And look above you."
I looked up to the scattering clouds above. God.
"What is above will always be there above you. And those beside you?"
I scanned my eyes across to the distant pillars who were at the same level as me...I couldn't see who they were, but someone stood atop each one.
"They are for you and with you." He said.

And Him, standing before me...always there. Moving like energy inside and outside and within and without...in the midst, even when I forget. Always forgetting, until I look upon these moments once again...once again, remembering His eyes...His face...time is nothing when you are brought back Home, and everything is remembered once again.
This world is not your life....life is eternal....
got something to share that I thought was funny...hang on... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWk7RUg3ZV4 ....
If you are fearless, share your thoughts...I'm getting rather bored talking to myself.

Exiled

So today went well, although I am still stuck in serious unproductive mode.
Dished are still dirty and so is the laundry...sewing work that best be completed by Friday is still waiting to get started on. ...and I don't care.
I'll get to it Thursday, maybe.
But I thought of at least 3 other 'omg, that would be awesome' photoshoots in the last 4 hours............. if only I had a camera that would let me begin the work and let me make something out of these ideas.
But alas...I don't...and unfortunately I am surrounded by certain people who want to suffocate these ideas...because it'll cost $2000 up front or close to it...even though once I get started I can actually make money later...but oh well, i guess I have to continue to pour unending funds into that other job...which by the way has exceeded $2000 a long long time ago...and I am just now feeling that I may be making an actual profit...maybe. But oh no....that biz has topped out and I can't take it higher until I move closer to the beach...or Australia.
But the camera idea has just began...and well, I can at least take it as high as I can...geesh....is it so hard to let me take on another hobby?

Yes, I'm still a tad bit irritated and uncalm. Maybe I'll try to fix it later....but I seem to fail at everything lately, so I probably will just make it worse. But that's okay, i'm not afraid of failure like certain people I know.
Anyway...I kinda like hating on myself. It's fun to despise your talents and abilities and bury them so they can't be seen or be heard. To take every gift that's presented to you and hide the package away for none to see. To shade your light and let the darkness reign. Oh yeah...lovely. And all of this to appease one who curses the brightness of each and every light they see....cause they are so used to burying their own.
I'm being sarcastic, if you can't tell.
And anyway...I'd rather write about shit to this stupid ass blog than tell the world...cause the world is stupid and sad and doesn't know jack from jack shit.

Feeling so weird lately....where you can see the flow of energy and see the ripples of light through the reflections in the eyes...to hear the heartbeat of breath...the thundering radiating auras......sad that there are so few who haven't buried theirs yet....I don't want to be the one that digs the grave....don't want to be the one who rushes to die, who struggles day after day to cover the sun...no, not this one.
I'll die from the heat or from the scorching rays, melt in the arms of the life giving light...but I will not shield you from it, no...I'll open the shades and tear off the roof. Peel down the curtains, unearth the beams.
You don't have to look....but I do.
I have seen this light.....and I will not give one more moment to the dark....seen the face of the sun, and will be nothing but the star that is seated next to it.
We all shall shine like the stars...if only we do not give way to the dark....
Bear with me.....things will be unsettled soon....the heavens will be in chaos, the clouds will roll by swiftly and without course, light breaking through like beacons between the shadows, rumblings and earthquakes and tremors....when they come, smile and know that He is near.....and know that I am with Him.

the world is so lovey duvey...

See...all fixed.

Ever had an idea that is exciting and you're like. omg, yes, let's do it...but then you are kinda sad and not sure, but then, you are like omg, yes, let's do it, then you are kinda scared, but then you are like omg, yes, let's do it?
That's the feeling of the day so far, lol.
It's like taking a strange and unusual rock and throwing it into the serene lake and waiting to see what ripples are formed from it. Could be good, could be bad, could be exciting, could be sad...you just never know...hate not being able to tell the future, haha.
So anyway, besides this 'idea' we are exploring....as you can tell, I am procrastinating once again. I must go get some work done, whether it's the sewing work that must get done, or the schoolwork that must get done, or housework that must get done...sitting here typing of course is not helping any of that stuff get done.
and having too many other things to do on Monday isn't helping by putting time limits on everything.....argh! how am I ever going to get it done...
Obviously it would be to get off the computer NOW, but...I'm..writing...so I'll do it in a bit and we can play speed tasks...and try to get all the little things out of the way so it at least appears that something actually got completed!

But enough of that....let's try and elaborate about how debilitating it is to have grand ideas and other people to just squish them...man...that feels so nice and lovely...I just want to hug them...with barbed wire...really freakin' tight.
And let me also tell you that women in the business world SUCK ASS!!!! omg, some of them just need to go home and cook dinner and clean or something. If you can't do the job, freaking go home. Grrrr.....stupid stupid females who don't know jack.
Not saying all, but just the handful that I get the curse of working with....ugh.

Can't wait till the 1st, lol...Hopefully my paypal account won't look so broke and I'll make some sales or something...I feel poor...well, I am, but I don;t want to feel it too, haha!
Other news....the camera world is out to drive me crazy....and since I'm not allowed to do anything other than sew shit and cook dinner, I guess I need to wait until someone buys a Nikon D7000 with a bunch of lenses, for me...because someone out there has to love me still...somewhere...maybe...
Yeah, I'm only allowed to sew...can't take pictures and make money, can't skate and exercise with roller derby, can't do anything....nope. I'm a nobody and nothing and since sewing has already brought in money I have to continue to do that...
life is grand I tell ya.

So this idea (see above)...if it actually works....then I guess I still won't be able to do the other things that would be awesome either...because I'm not allowed....BUT, I would have to give up my guineas and that would open up a slot for a ferret....does that sound undermining? haha. Oh wait...but I'm not allowed to have anything I want either.....

where the hell is the end of the world when you need it?

don't tread on me....

Wellll.....
The past few days...ok, week....have been kinda rather ho hum ...boo hiss, grrr, type days.
Nothing bad, no, nothing great either, a bit depressing and silent though. However I didn't take that nice warm day for granted...man, I love warm weather.
I sewed some...not like that even begets an oh yay...more like, whatever...who gives a shit..
I didn't write anything here or work on my book either..unless you count a puzzle book I have. Nothing appealing to write about. Nothing to say.
Like one of those quiet 'I'm just gonna sit in the dark corner and observe' type things going on. Too bad there are shadows in the corner with me...and you get to be face to face with doubts and pleading whispers that say that everything that is real is fake and everything that is fake is real....*sigh
Like I said, depressing, lol. But I'm still happy overall, go figure.
Just difficult to be left alone and waiting in the dark....while waiting patiently for your memories to return, and waiting for yourself to remember, waiting for the little spark that you keep snuffing out to relight....waiting for this star to burn through the thick blankets I keep trying to cover it with.
I watch myself from the outside and shake my head....why do I do these things? why do I forget and lose myself again and again and again.....?
How are we ever to find our way home...if our memories get stolen, if we who are certain to fail, continue to fail to remember....I know this, He knows this...but still, I am in the shadows, and I see that I am failing...see that I have forgotten, see that I have covered the beacon..... and I can't do anything but wait for myself to fix it....and neither of us know how...

And Him....He's not here...
I know He's patiently waiting on the inside of her...waiting for her to uncover the light once again...why does she keep doing that? He stays silent and neither speaks to her or me, or even looks upon us. Another lesson.
Sometimes it's very hard...(that's not event the word...hard...something harder than just 'hard)...to be aware of these times. To be aware of what is happening, although, one may not know how or why, but 'know' that it must be.... 'hard' to watch and just growl under your breathe sometimes, and sometimes cry for yourself...because you can only tell yourself what is happening, but can't tell yourself what to do to get right...not that it is wrong, but you can't teach a lesson to yourself....just have to wait for yourself to learn His lesson.....


But I think I have a sad story...I'm not sure...and I think it may not have helped the previous issue either...
There's someone down Fredonia Rd who owns horses and mules... I think one of their horses died..
Well, the other day I saw one on the ground, and it was moving, but just not right...kwim? Now, I never had a horse and really don't know much, but it didn't look like it was rolling around all happy in the grass like horses do sometimes...it looked like it was stroking out..idk...one of the other horses were standing near it....
So me...thinks it's awful and have no idea what to do, so I keep driving home...
so later the next day, I drove by and there's this brush pile....like right where I think the horse was....
omg, maybe they are going to burn it, cause there's a dead horse under it!... It's so sad!!!
Of course, I could just be overthinking and the horse be fine and me just being sappy, but there's a brush pile there...a brush pile.
Now if I drive by Monday and it's a burnt brush pile and all lumpy...ugh...how pitiful is that...
Not that I could save a horse, but still...sad, just sad...and I've got no idea what to do about anything...the world's problems, my own problems....I can't do anything, and if I could, I couldn't do it right.

See, depressing, lol.
Sorry, I'm not all sad and sappy, just a tad bit pushed around by doubt and things that want to make me give up parts of myself.

Seems I can't do this or do that, or go there, or say this, or be that...not blaming anyone or anything, as it has been pretty obvious that we ourselves are in control of our own choices....but how much can one sacrifice? How much can you lose of yourself?

It may not be hard to lose everything for a certain person...even abandoning your own ideas and thoughts and even feeling about them as well...., but what about the other people? do you sacrifice everything for them too?
I'm not really asking the question though, so don;t answer.

You know what I mean though....about the releasing of self....to give to others. One part of you gives all and does all and has unending energy for them to feed upon...but then there's the little part that still clings deep inside you.....the one that just wants someone to make the choice for it to be allowed to breathe....
Of course, the issue with it breathing, is the fact that whatever life it has will not be accepted by anyone else. It will be thrown to the ground and trampled upon as dust...and perhaps in your fear you will take it back up and tuck it back down inside you...away from the glares and judgements....
Or you fight for them...and lose all else...we shall all die of this imprisonment....


HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats


I'm gonna go try to help myself find a way out....
and the next freaking time I wake up at 3am...I'm gonna be pissed..argh! the other night it was the stupid smoke alarm (hello!, no fire or smoke stupid machine!) then last night the stupid dog knocked over one of my swords (hell yes, I own swords) and it was LOUD! ...I don;t want any weird noises, alien motherships, animals, husbands, or guineas waking me up until after 8am (unless its something cool or an emergency)! Is this so much to ask?!

I may think about writing something worthwhile....

Want to hear some good news....?
Our income taxes came in 6 days earlier than we anticipated....and we hung onto it 3 days longer than anticipated....lol...
But now we are broke, however we will be saving a good chunk of change each month since we paid off 2 whole bills...haha...yeah, doesn't sound like much, but still.

And I have a gripe about EBAY!!! and those idiots on there who like to bid on an item (like the ones I'm watching) (more specifically a Nikon D7000!!!)...well they bid on it and bid on it until it goes over the price it is to buy it brand new!!! for a used camera...omg people!!! How can I ever get a good deal if you keep being stupid!!?? Don't you people shop around!?
Anyway, I don't even bid because it is way over priced before it ends anyway...ugh! I bid on one so far, but still lost, lol. I'm not being cheap especially when you type in the number 1920.00 in the bid box.... gosh, but nooooooooo, someone must really want it more and so they won it and still ended up paying maybe $50 less than brand new cost...ugh, idiots, I'll just buy a new one then if they are going to be piss assy about it all.
Nit too even mention the guy selling a lens with a scratch all over it for $100 less than new..wtf...stupid!! and people still bid on it!
So over it.....best buy has them for $1600...I know I checked....but unfortunately sometimes they are out of stock., they weren't last time, but the time before that they were...and best buy doesn't take paypal...lol...
I need to go to a pawn shop!

So anyway....I still hate sewing...though it hasn't been so bad lately...I kinda of just want to go take pictures or paint, but I keep forgetting to go do what I want instead of what I have to. dang it.
and I need someone to teach me photoshop actions...mines not working right :P...but it is most likely my inept ability to do it correctly...

Busy week next week, Roller Derby hell on Monday (yay!), Skylar's first music lesson on Tuesday, (fun!), try to go to derby again on Wednesday (maybe), skate thingy on Thursday with the kids and fam. (yay), and get to go to the school Friday to help with our anti-bullying campaign (yay?).....

Tomorrow is gun show....(yay), maybe go see a movie (yay), hobby lobby...(ugh), and that's it.
Nothing Sunday except catch up on work and writing....I'm on chapter 18 so far, but still have 2 more chapters...which would be easy enough to finish if I would just go in there and write it all instead of write about how I should write it in this stupid blog, hahaha!
but what fun would that be...
Anyway....I'm bored and don't want to go sew, so I'm loitering around here and making you suffer through my random thoughts until something useful or appealing comes to mind....hmmm....but probably not today....I'm bummed a bit that all my crazy youtube people I follow haven't posted jack in the last week...omg...how am I supposed to get my fix? I wonder if the government is censoring them...or me, lol? This sucks...it's like the only tv I watch.
Well....not much else new or old or fun to talk about... :(
Had another weird dream, but it involved rationing food (stations you had to pick up your meals from) helicopter drones that watched over the city, people in old clothing, not great food either(think corn, potatoes, rice, beans ONLY!) not many people overall, but it was dreary and people were quiet, and I had this baby with me (not mine, but maybe an orphan?) but no one knew how to take care of her, like they didn't know what to feed her or anything...weird.
There was a cute guy in this dream too, but he kinda of looked like the guy in the last Pirates of the Carribean movie who helped the mermaid girl...so since I watched that the night before..that's probably why, haha....he was helping me and another lady and the child get away from the drone things...

But anyway....luckily, no nuclear warheads this time :)

Other than boring, my life is great, stuff, I have nothing else to say :( ...boo....nothing else to share or educate you with...and we don't even have a word of the month...
but we can make one since the month is half way over! How about the word..... puke...
:) Puke sucks, especially when your daughter doesn't even attempt to make it to the toilet, but its a good thing if you really want to because whatever it is inside you must come out, and eventually makes you feel better when it does!!
Just thought I'd share, considering Wed. evening me and the little girl got sick, she felt better the next day, I felt better the next evening...so whatever that was, i'm glad it got out!! No fun, but I actually feel normal again today.
Germs are BAD and me and the Lysol took a long stroll through the house and I killed every SOB germ that was on things we touch... good times.

But enough about puke, lets talk about alchemy...
Do you think it is possible to change something bad into something good? Change copper into gold? Coal into diamond? A demon into an angel?.......hmmm.....what about a broken heart into joyous tears? Sorrow into happiness?

Do you know that song 'Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head'?
That is one of those songs that the boss man used once to prove to me He had a sense of humor....it was great, and He is CRAZY!

Gonna go, this just got boring.

I see a bad moon rising....

Whacked out dream this morning...

I was in a small town along the coastline....not too close to the water, but about 500 yards or so, up closer to where they had small shops and buildings. I was sitting at a large table with a bunch of musicians....(older guys..ugly looking too.) anyway, they handed me the keyboard to play with them, although I don;t know how to play the keyboard except a few random songs....anyway...while I was messing with that trying to play (because in my dream many of the black keys were missing)
A lady said she was getting cold (this wasn't like Florida weather, but more northern, not sure which coast.) So she went to grab her jacket. When she came to sit back down by us she just tucked it under her chair like she didn't really need it.
Then everyone started commenting on the moon that was out over the ocean. (Weird because it wasn't night time at all!) It wasn't a full moon, but maybe 3/4, but everyone was saying how pretty it was...and I was thinking to myself that it wasn't so cool...it was just a regular moon (really, I have seen better)...
Anyway, all of a sudden the moon got brighter, much brighter and everyone stood up to see...something appeared to have been shot from it....and the moon kinda moved sideways as whatever it was was ejected from it....
We watched the trail of this object coming straight at us (which didn't take long at all!!!) I remember it passing above and I stated out loud... "At least it won;t hit the ocean so we don;t have a tsunami!" ...of course no one thought that was funny...then what appeared to be a rocket/missile type thing was headed for a plane and I was thinking it was going to blow up the plane, but it didn't, it suddenly took a nose dive down into town. (this thing was huge and kinda fat looking...white with a band of yellow around near its tail fin thingy's)
We watched it land maybe 100 or so yards from where we were all at the table, it basically made a super bright light and fire and then you could see the percussion radiating off from where it hit....
Everyone was just standing there...I turned and jumped down to where the road behind us had a slight drop off next to a building and ducked....
I closed my eyes and covered my ears (I had gloves on???) and the blast was basically like a huge bomb that was slowly obliterating everything around it...but it was kinda slow (not like a real bomb) and while I was taking cover I could hear its destruction getting closer and closer and I realized that everyone in this whole area would be dead when it was over.
I was still squatting behind the part of the road and remember praying that I would accept any fate that He brought me.
Just after this....I was no longer at the beach...but in an old make-shift building with a few other people I did not know. 3 of them were standing in a room behind glass...it was some sort of decompression room?? There were two guys running the controls, but you could tell that this place was made with items that you had to go out and find (like maybe something after the destruction had come)
Then when the 3 people were finished, I had to go in as well as another lady who was standing nearby.
When we were in this room...the guy on the other side of the glass (one of the controller guys) asked if we had any cell phones or anything...because it wasn't good to have it in there while it was on....I felt something in my jacket (more like a thick coat) and handed it to them, but it was only a zippo lighter?? He took it anyway...then we had to stand there in the room and he turned on the machine....
There were fans that started blowing and you literately could feel yourself being depressurized or something...it was weird...I felt like I was floating and I wondered to myself if I needed to be in this room or not... I woke up just after this.


Well...yay for end of the world dreams... but I really think a tsunami would be better than nuclear warheads. Yikes!

That's me in the corner....

Came to write something else....but after writing it and reading it....and multitasking on youtube---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=xwtdhWltSIghttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

I'm rather...whats the word...words....
there are really none that can help describe.


But this song reminds me of myself....
Looking out from the corner...listening...and watching you all fall into darkness...watch you take tight grips onto your bricks...onto reality and hate....and I watch you in silence...because words are not strong enough to pull you out from your own darkness. I try to build great barriers to protect you from falling into the pit....that dark pit that reeks of sulfur...blackened brimstone walls... But now, I sit and watch, as you tear it down and fall in by your own free will.
I no longer cry for you...I no longer yell out to save you, I no longer plea for you to wake up. I no longer reach my hand out...no....not while knowing you wish to pull me in with you....
He stands nearby and I can see slow tears dripping ever glistening in the shadows as He watches you look down into the pit...you stand on the edge and look....and then you lean just a little more, a little more and let yourself tumble down into the fire...you no longer even know what you are doing...you don;t call out to Him, or anyone....you just fall with tight lips never wishing to speak or ask for help. You fall....and He still stands...hoping that before you hit bottom that you will call out His name....so He can end your suffering...the suffering you carry with you and bring about....the suffering you take delight in....
It is all a lie that you believe in yourself....but not in your dreams, not in magic, or hope, or faith, or life, or love, or Him.....you lost it in forgotten memories and you now deny it as if it was make-believe....because that is what the world has taught you to believe.
It taught you to believe that the truth is a lie and the lie is the truth....and still even though your soul cries it out again and again, you fight against it and cling to the lie that this reality and this existence is all there is....and the dream of Heaven or Nirvana or Peace or Spirit is nonexistent....

Love is dying....even on St. Valentine's Day.....(yeah, the guy was beheaded btw...)

I tell you not to go numb...I tell you not to give up and not to be silent, and not to do nothing....I tell you again and again....
But today....I watch you fall into the pit and my tears have dried up. I am numb, I am tired, I am silent, I am nothing.
What can I do....?
Even He has stepped back into the shadows now as He watches you accept your fate. He still cries, but you will not take His hand....how much longer do we have until He can no longer bear the pain of losing one more of Us?
till He can no longer see another one of Us suffer at the hands of those who choose death?
No more time left....He's stepping further and further away....hand outreached...ears peeled awaiting just one who may call out...anyone....eyes searching for just one more...one more...but the calls have grown silent...eyes are turned away...hands cold and lifeless...they do not see Him...they do not want to...because He is a dream to them, just like the world taught.


Je mourrais pour les rêves ... pour ceux-ci sont ce qui donne essence de la vie et ce qui apporte de l'amour et la beauté et Dieu.