the once and future king......hmmm....

I want to bust these mirrors.
Cause them to crumble into a trillion pieces....back into the sand they came from.
But I don't hate them.
Just like the steps, I suppose. It's not the mirrors that cause me this confusion....
....it is myself.....and I wallow in the frustration of not understanding.
I see them from time to time....
  ... this looking upon myself.
     ....and I cringe.
I'm trying to understand....
....what are they trying to teach me...?

I glance back up to Him.
He stands silent....watching me...waiting.
What am I supposed to do with these?
But this time the answers seep slowly....and I'm stuck with more unknowing than knowing....
....this is going to take patience, I see.

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I recently came to the conclusion that I don't like people....again.
Not that I didn't already know that....but I sometimes fall into the dream of thinking
people are mostly decent and aren't carbon copies of someone else.
That whimsical idea that maybe just this once I can act normal around the vast population
and not ultimately fall into subconsciously thinking people are sleep walking....only to realize
that I'm a bad actress, and people are everything but real.
I know this because I am practically an empath and I just kinda know when someone is reading from
the guide book and going through the motions....and I know when someone isn't. Because then I feel better....free-er. And those dead fake people are killing me...they are killing themselves.
   .......and I have this grand idea that probably isn't a very peaceful one.
It takes anger. It takes rage. It takes fervor. It takes things of grandeur and spirit. It takes FIRE.
....and I laugh a little....as I look into the mirrors................
A hammer can only create more mirrors......but the fire....can dissolve them.....back into which they came.....
... and these times when you write...and you see these connections....and smile....as what else belongs at the top of a tower....of a lighthouse....

The lightkeeper slowly moves her eyes back up to where He stands.
His eyes burning with a thousand colors of fire.....



Peace is overrated.
It is a sword after all.       
         (....ty Jonathon....)


"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." 

 "Take up your cross and follow me."


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So yeah, besides all that...
and also not including my other someother dimensional life...
I've been sewing.... 3 orders left, but I'm not rushed.....I don't think...
I've been selling fabric.... doing good. Hoping to keep up the momentum.
Probably not getting enough sleep.... been getting up early for stuff and I always stay up late...
Still have a busy week ahead, but possibly the last hectic one for awhile...we'll see.
I still have tons of stuff to do, and I'm simplifying some plans.
Of course, I still need to plan other things...ack...
...and I'm rerouting a few others.... (I'm totally flexible...eh!)
I feel like a chauffeur lately.....and now I know why the driving age is 16....it's the youngest they could legally figure to hurry up the process of not having to drive your kids around everywhere they needed or wanted to go....oy vey!
Been playing agar.io lately too...and I'm getting good at it, unless I team up with someone who doesn't know what they are doing.....but kinda feel bad if I mess something up and they lose too, lol.
There's a about 10 thousand more things going on. whatever. I tired.

"Why are you trembling?"

There are mirrors surrounding me. I'm not sure what exactly they are for, but I know I could just ask to get the answer...maybe my delay is that I don't want to hear the answer just yet.
Ultraviolet.
The light you can't see, but is imperative for life.
The invisible light that boarders between xrays and the rainbow of visual lights.
Ultraviolet.
What do I do with this?
The mirrors face me and I see myself looking back.

What are you looking for, little star?
High upon the tower, with views of the sea, of the mountains, of the waves, and of the heavens.
You can't find what you don't carry with you....
....but you carry it all....don't you.

----------------------------------------

So there's this thing he said that keeps reverberating....
"Do you think I made a mistake?" He asks.

   oh yes, always asking questions to my questions....but answering them too.
and we won't play their games.
We won't take sides and divide ourselves like them....like you.
We won't tell you that there is light you can't see....
   ...it may look dark to you...but no....the light just vibrates at a higher frequency.
maybe a lower one. Neither matters.
All is light....even in the dark.
    like how on a snowy night, it seems to glow, even if the moon is nowhere to be found....
....do you really think the snow glows?....
You can choose sides if you will. It's okay.
I'll take them all.
You can see the darkness in a flag if you will.
I'll take it as a symbol of rebellion. Because I won't comply.
You can see darkness in a rainbow of colors that was hijacked by certain groups.
I still see a rainbow, regardless what you try to make me believe. roygbiv ....
It doesn't matter when you see with ultraviolet.All will work out in the end.

the end....


Sewing appliques.....still no fun.
Painting appliques....even non-funner.
Selling fabric.... I sold some more.
Need to take a few days to get some things planned out for THP,
...but I still have orders to finish.
Lots of busyness to take care of these next few weeks too.
...and need to catch up on sleep. I tired.

I will not comply.
I will not be assimilated.
I am not Borg.


Don't let these storms rock your boat.
Don't let them crumble your foundations.
All will be well.
All is well
Take refuge.
Rest.
...or are you on a boat out at sea without Him.
He will come to you if you allow it.
Fear not what the world may become....or is.
He has overcome the world.

Who's birthday is it? Doesnt' lighting candles get wax all over your icing....?

It's funny....that little things slowly reveal themselves bit by bit...stone by stone...until you realize that not a single thing stands alone.

There's a fresh cool breeze gently sailing into the spiral corridor. I can see that the light has shifted from a dreary grey to a sunnier demeanor. There's a doorway now that stands just ahead. It's open and I can see the blue sky that teases for me to hurry. Only a select number of steps lie between me and it's threshold.
   He asks if I'm ready to continue....I say yes...but I look down to the step beneath my foot....those steps...these hard, cold, concreted firmaments of solid mass...and of strength.
   "Ya know..." I begin...though I know He already knows what I'm about to say. He smiles, but is trying to hide it. "These steps are pretty strong...they are solid. I trust them." I pause. "I'm not the tower, am I?" I shake my head smiling to myself. "He is."  I stare into those steps... They may be hard and cold and compacted with rocks...the walls built with stones and beaten by waves....but they are strong, solid, built to last generations. Firm, dependable, trustworthy.....this tower shields me from the rain....from the waves....carries me higher.
   I look over to Him as He watches me come to this revelation. He waits.
"I'm the lightkeeper." I say quietly. "You're the light.....and he's our tower."
   It's beautiful....this chaos. And no matter what we try to do....there's still the conclusion that we are all for one another. Even if you're a harsh cold wave....beating upon a tall stone tower who is cold and damp....who shields a little star and her light from the rain.... climb hard....because those last steps are going to be the hardest.
 Climb, climb. Light the tower on fire...

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I have $67...and bills due that are much higher than that.
I have some pretty awesome fabric sitting here though.
I sold 3 yards so far though. Hey....better than nothing.
I have a few orders left that I could care less about. I want them to disappear. I don't want to sew anything. Took me a 4 days to sew 1 princess....and 1 to sew 4....still not done.
I feel like I'm in a dream. Things are converging into sync...and this is so weird.
I am excited to see what comes of it. What lies beyond that door.
Let it Go is playing on my itunes.... and this gives me a huge inkling of what these last few steps will require of me.
Going to see a cheapy $1 movie tomorrow.
Awaiting a few photoshoots to prep for.
Kids finally got their blackbelts in TKD.
And nothing else too new....I suppose.










   

The stars...they have friends in high places.

She was dancing....spiraling in and out of the sunlight that radiated from between the trees. A song playing in her ears...the trees dancing with her.
Flowers tucked carefully in the grass, showing colors of velvet and of breeze. Peace floated off the light....love shone out from the star....

but

but....your chaos.....your chaos. It was too bright for the shadows...and the shadows rebelled against her...striking her down. How dare you shine your light, little star.....  how dare you find peace. How dare you embolden love and embrace it upon your lips. How dare you.....little star.
She stopped and pondered...why the shadows cursed at her. Are we not all part of one another? Her song died out and she forgot the words....those words.... the trees stood still like logs and the sunlight.....it became cold.
The flowers were scattered across the grass like weeds....showing colors of blood.
Peace.... now had to be fought for...
and love...
it had to be found....and it had to be earned.

Little star.....have you already forgotten....
you danced with the mountains for weeks....and then one moment comes that shakes you out of your dream and you turn cold.....like a dead star.
A star is chaos.....without it. it will die. Love is chaos....without it, it will suffer.

Little star.... I will fight for you.....

  -----------------------------------------------------------

Things take time..... time is what things are taking.
Not just waiting on fabric reps this time...but waiting on the shadows to no longer fear falling asleep.
.....waiting for myself to no longer make the shadow's fear an end to my dance.

I scribbled out some lists yesterday.... and wrote things on it the same way a bully would write on your book at school...in 8th grade. Because dancing is for children.....dancing is for dreamers....
I'm not allowed to be a dreamer....I'm not allowed to dance....
I'm not allowed to make the shadows upset....
My chaos isn't acceptable.
I'm not acceptable.
It's not acceptable to breathe.
It's not acceptable to smile.
Don't let the shadows see....don't let the dark see what the light is doing....because the light is not allowed to be.
Chaos...... chaos....is in me.

Hold the little star and she will burn you....
set her free...set her free.....

I cleaned house today. I also was told I was never satisfied.
I made bread crumbs. Placed fabric orders. Answered emails. And reminded that everything I say is unacceptable.
I cooked dinner. Washed dishes. And successfully made it through the day hating my own voice.

I closed my etsy shop except for appliqued tees. I put my facebook page on vacation. Still people emailed me. And I probably made a sale or two.

Oh...look... a kitty!!!!!! :)  :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)


 --------------------------------------------

“ that's why love is madness; it's too easy to lose your mind when you lose your heart. ”

bored.....and this wifi signal is irritating.....

We sang songs and skipped up steps, laughing all the while. Like two teenagers who've stayed up way longer than they should have...and everything is much more hysterical than it could ever be before....
Late night giggle fits, while singing ...follow the yellow brick road?? I don't know what we were doing....but it was fun.
No, the steps aren't yellow....but I think He mentioned it was time to paint the walls....


So...almost two months later...not by any fault of my own....I'm still waiting for other people to get the ball rolling. Accounts are pending....someone is at a trade show....or this other paper needs signed....
So I'm waiting.... but tomorrow is Monday and maybe something will start to cooperate.

American Pharaoh won again! And so did I! Sweet! 3 weeks till the next one. :)

There's this saying about if you want different results you have to make different choices...or something like that.....soooo.... this should be interesting....

I have 1 more week till vacation...give or take.
2 tees to sew, a dress, a onesie, and a set.....  and I'm still cringing that I'm working and the money has been spent and nothing else has been ordered.....
I'm debating what type of detergent to use when I toss SDD in the washer.... Tide? All? Gain? ....bleach?
Maybe a mix of All Gain....lol.....

The clothes in the washer go...whoosh whoosh whoosh...whoosh whoosh whoosh.

I'm not sure what happened to her....but I've discovered that she has been gone for awhile now.
I don't think she'll ever be back...no.....there's no coming back after a question like that.

"Do you feel safe with me?" He asked.
I'm clinging to his arm as if that was the oddest question I ever heard....dude....you're Jesus Christ, of course I feel safe!
Yeah....but we know how this goes....if you worry about anything....then I guess it's because you don't feel safe. I'll shut my mouth now about telling you those things that might be a possible problem to worry about.....because I'm suddenly not worried at all now....ever.

We are still climbing....but I'm not tired.
Still taking step after step....but it doesn't hurt.
Sometimes it gets dark, sometimes we are without a window to look out of....but the darkness flees as we walk.
He's been making me smile lately. I keep wondering what He's up to, like it's some new profound way of bringing me where I need to go. It's fascinating really....but I realize that my preprogrammed thoughts have been working against me....and everything is false....and everything is true. It's like going in the wash cycle....churning and turning....breaking up this grit. Rinse it out and wash again....as this gunk hasn't served me well.

Safe.
Safe.
 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


I feel like painting.
I feel like learning a dance that goes with a certain chinese song.....only because the anime people can do it.....so why can't I.
I feel like buying happy fabrics..... but I'm waiting on company reps to set up my wholesale accounts.
I feel excited on the inside....I'm bouncing in my seat and making those retarded clappy hands....on the inside....you'll never see me do that in real time....well....you might. *rolls eyes, I know I'm a dork.
I'm contemplating something drastic...yet exciting! But I'm not sure how to do it just yet. Still shuffling it around in my head, but the idea of putting ShadowDragon Dreams into the wash cycle with me might be in the works. Heck, who doesn't like to take a bubble bath.............on a roller coaster.
I picked up an old broken dresser on the side of the road (yay free!)....waiting for hubby to fix it to my liking so I can paint it!
Almost done with sewing orders ........ almost done for good.....what a boring job lately. Me and boring don't work well together. Well.....me a not making sales....don't work well together. So yeah...washing machine. I have 8 left....which is way way way below norm....not cool economy....not cool at all.
Picnic tomorrow.....why not. No one wants to do anything around here! Time to break out the educational assessment notebook! (Yay school, but not really!) Now I need cash and 4 white bodysuits....and a big ass piece of paper....and paint..... I love paint!
Ooohhh! Preakness Stakes is on the 16th! American Pharoah and Carpe Diem (which he better freaking win something this time) Horsies!!!
 The sun is warm and the rain hasn't shown it's face enough..... I'm outta here, later gators~ Don't you just whoosh you were clean!

Love will find a way....just give it time.

It's been darker lately.
Even the light of the tiny windows I pass doesn't give this dark tower any joy.
He's been here with me...every step.
"Do you want to go on?" He asks.
"Yes." ....because there's something at the top I want to see...I want to feel...I want to be.

I struggle. Like an old record...I take step after step...and each one is hard. Each one bring more pain.
"Do you want to stop and rest?" He asks.
 I pause, wondering if I want to rest in this place....
"No."  ..... because I'd rather at least rest by a window...any sort of light is better than none.
Sometimes I hate these steps...and these steps burn.

"Is it the step you hate?" He asks. "Or is it the pain it causes you when you take it?"

So it can't be the step.....now can it.
My weak burning muscles....my inability to climb without feeling the burn.
It's something in me that I hate...not the step. This step is only telling me to look to the inside...for it is in the inside that suffers.
And this presses me deeper...farther...higher. I can't form words to tell of the broken parts of myself. But these steps have chosen to reveal them. These steps I love.
"Is he your Lord?" He asks me as I'm caught up in a series of memories.
"No." I shake my head. "You are."
"Then let me be." He kneels down to me with more unspoken words that race through my thoughts like sunbeams. I understand.

"Do you want to continue?" He asks.
"Yes." I nod.....knowing it's darker ahead. Knowing...and loving it still.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

So ....my other life...
this one...a small part perhaps...but most people think of it as my only one.
There's a crack on my mini laptop's screen..... I know who used it last....it still works, thankfully....
Sewing work.... I hate sewing. This job is not very satisfying lately. I'm unenthused and rather bored with it. I need a long vacation. Too bad there's this reliance on some sort of income from it.
The Hobo Patch......waiting on everyone else to do their jobs.... I'm ready when I get certain things from certain institutions.....bummer.
Photography.... I have a job next weekend.
Bills.....hahahahahahaha! I'm really trying hard to find excuses not to pay them. I have failed successfully. I currently own $15 and haven't made a sale in a long time.... please buy something from me.
Kids..... I work too much to plan decent projects/outings/educational activities......however...one has found a liking to an after school program although I guess it will be over in a few weeks....and the other is going to a robotics class this summer....
Weather....rain...nothing but rain. Boooooooo!!!
Garden.... wet and muddy at the moment.
House....the places I use most are clean....does that count.
Me....I'm fine. yeah. whatever. No, I'm dying inside. But I'm happy too....that make sense?
Pets....the cat will not shut up! and the dogs are shedding....the bird is so cute, but likes to pick my zits....the other birds are fine. The ferret is good too.
Dreams....nothing good....
Hubby....let's just say he's that #!$%@# step I love. :)


what else do I do..... lots of stuff....but I find that most of it is not something I would choose.
....... perhaps at another time I'll find something more exciting to write about! :)

My very good friend.... he said that ."....even if we are on different paths, it doesn't mean we won't end up at the same destination...."