*sigh...
somehow, I've landed myself in the valley...not literately, and I am not explaining...I hate this place, but I know it must be...
I feel all alone again. Wondering around in the dark with giants lurching around. Even if I feel a part of something for a time, it quickly gets pulled apart by something or another and I always assume I had something to do with it. Not that that is true, but I carry the burden....as always.
It's one of those built in things I came with to just not fit in... I guess it'll never go away, I'll never belong, and I'll never have a home, never have a family.
Yeah, just hubby and the kids, and Him...but everyone else is so far away... and those I claim as family don;t even know it, or they don't care.
and I'm not talking about blood family, I'm talking about life family....but what does anyone know of such things...they are all blind...and I am still hoping they will waken....still.
Nothing is bad, nothing is wrong....just me, and my warped thoughts about how we should all belong to each other...and knowing it will never happen...and we will all be lost in the shadows forever.
I went to heaven before...and there were people there whom I knew were my family, but I couldn't recognize them while I was there. Jesus was there, wearing a blue robe, it had gold designs on the sleeve cuffs....but all I could really see was His smile, His hazel eyes. I ran to Him, like a child does when their father has been gone for a long time and jumped into His arms. He lifted me up and carried me across the garden, no one disturbed us, and all attention was on each other. I can't remember what I asked Him at first, but my second question was if I was doing okay. He said "What makes you think you are further behind than when you began?"...and while I was trying my darndest to understand what that meant, I woke up.
Of course I know what it means now...the point is, I know there's a better place for us. There's a better place...and everything here in this world is nothing....absolutely nothing. And there in that place...is more real than every heartbeat, every breath we can ever take here. And we are all family, all of us....and I would give everything I have for you to know it too...everything, although I am nothing and have nothing left to give.
You'll never know where I am...as I am not afraid to go where He leads...but sometimes I cry out in silence...and no one hears, only Him....and you'll never know where we are. and you'll never see us, but we will always see you, and I'll cry for you too.
anyway...I have nothing else to say. I'm not sorry for anything I do....I am not perfect, but I try to do good....you are not perfect either, but I try to see the good in you.
goodbye
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