the loss of the lost

It's difficult to accept the gifts that have been bestowed upon us.
Difficult to find the right words and even more difficult to give thanks.
Perhaps we don;t even realize we should.
Perhaps we don;t realize that much of what was given is not just a gift, but a sparing....a protection from something worse.
I find it strangely hard and sad.




Have you ever heard the phrase "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?"
I'm sure you have.
But it may not be just a saying.
When you have loved and you lose that love...it is something that changes your soul...it is a scar that is never forgotten...real love can never be lost....only changed.
And on the other hand if you never have loved....you see that if you have and it was lost...the pain that you would have to uphold would be unbearable....we are spared...some of the time.....from the things we cannot bear.

But what of a love? If you couldn't bear it with this life....you feel things that are missing.....love that has yet to manifest...or perhaps has been withheld for this lifetime....but yet it still exists...
When you feel a longing for someone you have never met....at least not here in this life. A love that drives you to keep looking for them wherever they may be, because you know they exist somewhere, in some form. It exists and it drives you to search.

Do you want a bit of honesty with a splash of humility?
I will admit that I haven't lost someone that I loved....truly loved...the kind that your heart aches for. At least not a person....many pets, if you even consider that worthy....but to the heart of a child....the pain is still the same, no matter which spirit it was.
But people just didn't die and leave that I was connected to with love....now that I think about it, I was never connected to anyone.
Not until the boyfriend who became the husband came along...and the kids.....
Everyone else was just a traveler. Does that sound mean? Probably, sorry. Yeah, I'd miss people, but the suffering wouldn't be unknown territory.

Then there's that other longing that follows and leads you along.....the other love that you continuously search for...yet not knowing what it is.....another one you love...or perhaps others....
I don;t know them, but they are mine....who are they? Could they not be a part of this life? Is this life not strong enough to have them?

Is it the other family....the one that stays with Him....and I have just forgotten their names? My heart aches for those I do not know....and the thought alone is painful.
It is better to be apart from those you met and loved, or those you never met and loved? Is there a difference? The pain is still the same, although not as distinct, and not as defined....

Well, I'm sure you have no idea what I mean.

Anyway....so all there is left to do is keep moving forward.....maybe you'll finally find them.....and yes, I do believe in soul meets soul when eyes meet eyes..... I guess I need to write a blog post on that later... though it seems I'm too ugly or for heaven's sake I say bad words on a blog, or people just don;t get it...*sigh.
I feel I may have to explain this away...cause people just don;t understand.

You know what......I am so glad some people have had someone they looked up to in their lives....it makes me glad that that kind of connection exists. I just want to hug it. *so happy!!!!

Going to bed and dream of hopefully something other than devastating end world stuff......
But do you know what I find odd.....?
That you never get to dream of what you want to dream about...lol.
Like those people in my head (damn it, they are right brain functional) or Jesus...well, wait a minute....nevermind..those were not dreams....those were "omg, I'm gonna screw with you hard" sacrifices...yikes....thanks bunches for those...cause omg, I was screwed with hard....and now noone understands!!!Lol.

Okay...I'm back from blabbing....um....yeah, no more bad dreams about tsunamis or ufos, or storms.....unless they are really awesome....maybe....idk....I kinda get a kick out of them after I get my pulse rate back to normal, haha.
ugh, really, I'm going to bed.good night and sweet dreams.....that do not involve counting or stress or ufos or freaking large aliens that take off their guinea pig masks and growl at you with their ugly green faces.....yes, that one was weird!!! but I growled back cause I wasn't scared too much....I was mad he was in my yard, lol.
I really need to go....lol.....