The crow is a rebel...a renegade...a pioneer.

So ShadowDragon Dreams is on hiatus - woo hoo!
No orders, no pending things I 'have' to do.
No forced sewing.

of course, that goes hand in hand with no money. ha.
oh well.

The Hobo Patch is doing well....meeting my quotas, lol.
of course, doubling my income with it would be better....just saying.
I just started a blog page, but have yet to post the first post....all my pics are on my other computer.
I sell at a shop in Rossville too....going well. Out of all my stuff there I sold about $160 worth in 20 days.
Better than expected, so hoping it stays in the black.

JCMidKnight is sitting at idle.... I know what I want to do..... it's beginning that's hard.

Will probably start Book 4 soon. I have the first sentence ready :)  !!!
I have the gist of it...but missing much of the substance. I should probably reread book 3 so I know where I need to pick up from....you know...all those parts I left hanging.

I have my first dog boarding gig starting tomorrow. His name is Reagan. We are going to be good friends by the time his owner picks him up on Sunday.
We'll try this out for a bit and see how it goes. I like dogs, and I get paid, extra bonus.

What else do I have going on... ??
Driving a teenager around so she can do her stuff. So much for that anti-social homeschooling idea.
The boy is still 11...he likes video games. I'm home free for a while longer with him.
The hubs....ugh. He's in the same place I left him 12 months ago....binge watching idiotic shows on netflix.
Looking for inspiration otherwise..... I'll come up with something probably.

My train of thought has derailed.


Ok....other stuff.

So....we walked....I'm pretty sure we are still walking.
but yeah.....the boss man has a way to make the perilous things, not so.
And a way to make the hopeful things, more so.
He gave me a riddle....
"Only a crow flies against the wind.  Why do you think that is?"
No, not only crows do this, but I'm sure the crow stands for something.
Planes fly against the wind to get lift too...but I have no idea if that's relevant.
I have a suspicion it's a metaphor relating to me.
A metaphor summing up that even though it's harder to get where you're wanting to go...it ends up being faster. Rising higher as you go.
and the crow's a pirate, like me..... arrrrgh!


I've got to get to bed. Mindy coming to meet tomorrow at 1 and Reagan at 4. Yay for dog-sitting!

The Boss, the guide, and a pirate.

 Mirror, Mirror...on the wall.....

I have issues.
So the mirrors....yeah...well, they have melted.
I can't see myself. I have no idea who I am.
I have no clue what I want or what I want to do.
just...great.

He's nearby....but it's seems my focusing abilities have been shot.
I'm more frustrated.
I'm more disheartened.
I'm more alone.
.....they say to have faith.
I've more than had it with 'them'.
He's never told me that. Not even once.

You would think there was someone....

I heard that name a few days ago....
It means to overcome....victorious....to prevail...conquer.
I can't find that name on google...yet there it was.
So what do I do with that....

I thought of things to do....
I thought of ideas and hoped to make plans.
I thought I could take down all the challenges and overtake the obstacles.
I wasn't afraid.
I wasn't unwilling.....
....until today.
I'm not going to make plans....or ponder ideas.
I'm not going to be able to attempt challenges or overtake obstacles.
I am afraid.
I am unwilling.
I don't know what to do.....
Why has it gotten like this? Why must I be barraged with these odd and end sufferings?
They are not even the norm.... Are they?
I've certainly haven't heard of this type of trial.
I'm so fucking broken.
I am weak. and I am unwilling to fight my way out of it.
I'm not going to do anything.
And I will lie here until He tells me what to do.
If the tower burns....if the waves drown us....if the sky falls....if the storm pounds across my face until it bleeds....
I'm going to wait until He tells me to move.
Fuck that other shit of seeing if this or that might work or be worthwhile. Fuck it all.
I'm a fucking PIRATE!


I'm not going to do anything.


.....
I can hear them talking with one another.
The Boss Man and my very good friend....
I know they are in cahoots with each other...but they are talking about me in front of me.
I can't quite hear what they are saying though.
I'm looking at the both.... they always seem so happy....
the boss man keeps a slight smile on his face when he looks my way. It's as if I actually bring him some form of joy. yeah...whatever dude.
My very good friend glances my way too, but he's very good at sticking to his theme of being a supportive and calming guide to me. ...whatever...I know he's thrilled with me no matter what I do.... not sure why I can't think the same thing of the boss man. Logically I know he is too, but there's something blocking that heart wise.
For some reason he won't fix me.
You would also think that they might be disappointed in my rant....or disprove of my choice of words...but they don't speak of it. My very good friend has that look on his face though. He doesn't necessarily condone the way I write emotively. The boss man though....he still smiles....with that twinkle in his eyes...like he doesn't even see all the crap I do. God, I love him.

All this time....and I feel I haven't made any real progress. Whether it be in spiritual terms, or reality terms.
Emotionally maybe....a lot in that sense....but all else seems like it never really changed. What a waste of time I've become.

I glance back over the them.
My very good friend....he'd scold me about thinking that way.
the boss man....he doesn't know time....and looking at him....nothing is a waste to him....nothing, not even me.
"Come." He reaches out his hand. "Let's walk."

 

Fire is..... unpredictable.

So this fire....
it burns stuff....
like yourself.
And it hurts a bit too....
and it's lonely....
and we still don't understand fully, but things have been chaotic and we can't think straight with all these fluctuating flashes of light that move in and out back and forth and we seem to get lost in its dance.
It's warm though....
and full of many colors too....
and this feels like we should be here but we really don't know why or for how long or what is going to become of us.
So we wait....
and we watch....
and we grasp at any tiny fragment of wisdom in hopes of managing to get the bigger picture to where this little heart can behold its greatness.


I've been watching carefully...how these things progress...to see what becomes of them. I take those things I've been given and ponder them often, perhaps too often...and play them again and again over and over until I'm satisfied. I'm not sure if they are lessons on something to learn from or something to let go. Something to attain or something to lose. Something to cherish or something to forget. And these things cause great heartache...maybe because they were intentionally left out of this life and knowing I've beheld them before....
Memories that are not my own....but are. People...my people.... vanished like they never existed....but if not then love could not exist either. Love is beyond time...and can never forget.
Damn it.
How can you burn out what is a part of you....?


And this is all droning out, this day by day charade of aimless wandering....with no fucking clue what the hell any of us are doing.
Fuck.

I'm going to have a silent chat with the boss man. He's beckoning. goodbye.

the once and future king......hmmm....

I want to bust these mirrors.
Cause them to crumble into a trillion pieces....back into the sand they came from.
But I don't hate them.
Just like the steps, I suppose. It's not the mirrors that cause me this confusion....
....it is myself.....and I wallow in the frustration of not understanding.
I see them from time to time....
  ... this looking upon myself.
     ....and I cringe.
I'm trying to understand....
....what are they trying to teach me...?

I glance back up to Him.
He stands silent....watching me...waiting.
What am I supposed to do with these?
But this time the answers seep slowly....and I'm stuck with more unknowing than knowing....
....this is going to take patience, I see.

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I recently came to the conclusion that I don't like people....again.
Not that I didn't already know that....but I sometimes fall into the dream of thinking
people are mostly decent and aren't carbon copies of someone else.
That whimsical idea that maybe just this once I can act normal around the vast population
and not ultimately fall into subconsciously thinking people are sleep walking....only to realize
that I'm a bad actress, and people are everything but real.
I know this because I am practically an empath and I just kinda know when someone is reading from
the guide book and going through the motions....and I know when someone isn't. Because then I feel better....free-er. And those dead fake people are killing me...they are killing themselves.
   .......and I have this grand idea that probably isn't a very peaceful one.
It takes anger. It takes rage. It takes fervor. It takes things of grandeur and spirit. It takes FIRE.
....and I laugh a little....as I look into the mirrors................
A hammer can only create more mirrors......but the fire....can dissolve them.....back into which they came.....
... and these times when you write...and you see these connections....and smile....as what else belongs at the top of a tower....of a lighthouse....

The lightkeeper slowly moves her eyes back up to where He stands.
His eyes burning with a thousand colors of fire.....



Peace is overrated.
It is a sword after all.       
         (....ty Jonathon....)


"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." 

 "Take up your cross and follow me."


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So yeah, besides all that...
and also not including my other someother dimensional life...
I've been sewing.... 3 orders left, but I'm not rushed.....I don't think...
I've been selling fabric.... doing good. Hoping to keep up the momentum.
Probably not getting enough sleep.... been getting up early for stuff and I always stay up late...
Still have a busy week ahead, but possibly the last hectic one for awhile...we'll see.
I still have tons of stuff to do, and I'm simplifying some plans.
Of course, I still need to plan other things...ack...
...and I'm rerouting a few others.... (I'm totally flexible...eh!)
I feel like a chauffeur lately.....and now I know why the driving age is 16....it's the youngest they could legally figure to hurry up the process of not having to drive your kids around everywhere they needed or wanted to go....oy vey!
Been playing agar.io lately too...and I'm getting good at it, unless I team up with someone who doesn't know what they are doing.....but kinda feel bad if I mess something up and they lose too, lol.
There's a about 10 thousand more things going on. whatever. I tired.

"Why are you trembling?"

There are mirrors surrounding me. I'm not sure what exactly they are for, but I know I could just ask to get the answer...maybe my delay is that I don't want to hear the answer just yet.
Ultraviolet.
The light you can't see, but is imperative for life.
The invisible light that boarders between xrays and the rainbow of visual lights.
Ultraviolet.
What do I do with this?
The mirrors face me and I see myself looking back.

What are you looking for, little star?
High upon the tower, with views of the sea, of the mountains, of the waves, and of the heavens.
You can't find what you don't carry with you....
....but you carry it all....don't you.

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So there's this thing he said that keeps reverberating....
"Do you think I made a mistake?" He asks.

   oh yes, always asking questions to my questions....but answering them too.
and we won't play their games.
We won't take sides and divide ourselves like them....like you.
We won't tell you that there is light you can't see....
   ...it may look dark to you...but no....the light just vibrates at a higher frequency.
maybe a lower one. Neither matters.
All is light....even in the dark.
    like how on a snowy night, it seems to glow, even if the moon is nowhere to be found....
....do you really think the snow glows?....
You can choose sides if you will. It's okay.
I'll take them all.
You can see the darkness in a flag if you will.
I'll take it as a symbol of rebellion. Because I won't comply.
You can see darkness in a rainbow of colors that was hijacked by certain groups.
I still see a rainbow, regardless what you try to make me believe. roygbiv ....
It doesn't matter when you see with ultraviolet.All will work out in the end.

the end....


Sewing appliques.....still no fun.
Painting appliques....even non-funner.
Selling fabric.... I sold some more.
Need to take a few days to get some things planned out for THP,
...but I still have orders to finish.
Lots of busyness to take care of these next few weeks too.
...and need to catch up on sleep. I tired.

I will not comply.
I will not be assimilated.
I am not Borg.


Don't let these storms rock your boat.
Don't let them crumble your foundations.
All will be well.
All is well
Take refuge.
Rest.
...or are you on a boat out at sea without Him.
He will come to you if you allow it.
Fear not what the world may become....or is.
He has overcome the world.

Who's birthday is it? Doesnt' lighting candles get wax all over your icing....?

It's funny....that little things slowly reveal themselves bit by bit...stone by stone...until you realize that not a single thing stands alone.

There's a fresh cool breeze gently sailing into the spiral corridor. I can see that the light has shifted from a dreary grey to a sunnier demeanor. There's a doorway now that stands just ahead. It's open and I can see the blue sky that teases for me to hurry. Only a select number of steps lie between me and it's threshold.
   He asks if I'm ready to continue....I say yes...but I look down to the step beneath my foot....those steps...these hard, cold, concreted firmaments of solid mass...and of strength.
   "Ya know..." I begin...though I know He already knows what I'm about to say. He smiles, but is trying to hide it. "These steps are pretty strong...they are solid. I trust them." I pause. "I'm not the tower, am I?" I shake my head smiling to myself. "He is."  I stare into those steps... They may be hard and cold and compacted with rocks...the walls built with stones and beaten by waves....but they are strong, solid, built to last generations. Firm, dependable, trustworthy.....this tower shields me from the rain....from the waves....carries me higher.
   I look over to Him as He watches me come to this revelation. He waits.
"I'm the lightkeeper." I say quietly. "You're the light.....and he's our tower."
   It's beautiful....this chaos. And no matter what we try to do....there's still the conclusion that we are all for one another. Even if you're a harsh cold wave....beating upon a tall stone tower who is cold and damp....who shields a little star and her light from the rain.... climb hard....because those last steps are going to be the hardest.
 Climb, climb. Light the tower on fire...

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I have $67...and bills due that are much higher than that.
I have some pretty awesome fabric sitting here though.
I sold 3 yards so far though. Hey....better than nothing.
I have a few orders left that I could care less about. I want them to disappear. I don't want to sew anything. Took me a 4 days to sew 1 princess....and 1 to sew 4....still not done.
I feel like I'm in a dream. Things are converging into sync...and this is so weird.
I am excited to see what comes of it. What lies beyond that door.
Let it Go is playing on my itunes.... and this gives me a huge inkling of what these last few steps will require of me.
Going to see a cheapy $1 movie tomorrow.
Awaiting a few photoshoots to prep for.
Kids finally got their blackbelts in TKD.
And nothing else too new....I suppose.










   

The stars...they have friends in high places.

She was dancing....spiraling in and out of the sunlight that radiated from between the trees. A song playing in her ears...the trees dancing with her.
Flowers tucked carefully in the grass, showing colors of velvet and of breeze. Peace floated off the light....love shone out from the star....

but

but....your chaos.....your chaos. It was too bright for the shadows...and the shadows rebelled against her...striking her down. How dare you shine your light, little star.....  how dare you find peace. How dare you embolden love and embrace it upon your lips. How dare you.....little star.
She stopped and pondered...why the shadows cursed at her. Are we not all part of one another? Her song died out and she forgot the words....those words.... the trees stood still like logs and the sunlight.....it became cold.
The flowers were scattered across the grass like weeds....showing colors of blood.
Peace.... now had to be fought for...
and love...
it had to be found....and it had to be earned.

Little star.....have you already forgotten....
you danced with the mountains for weeks....and then one moment comes that shakes you out of your dream and you turn cold.....like a dead star.
A star is chaos.....without it. it will die. Love is chaos....without it, it will suffer.

Little star.... I will fight for you.....

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Things take time..... time is what things are taking.
Not just waiting on fabric reps this time...but waiting on the shadows to no longer fear falling asleep.
.....waiting for myself to no longer make the shadow's fear an end to my dance.

I scribbled out some lists yesterday.... and wrote things on it the same way a bully would write on your book at school...in 8th grade. Because dancing is for children.....dancing is for dreamers....
I'm not allowed to be a dreamer....I'm not allowed to dance....
I'm not allowed to make the shadows upset....
My chaos isn't acceptable.
I'm not acceptable.
It's not acceptable to breathe.
It's not acceptable to smile.
Don't let the shadows see....don't let the dark see what the light is doing....because the light is not allowed to be.
Chaos...... chaos....is in me.

Hold the little star and she will burn you....
set her free...set her free.....

I cleaned house today. I also was told I was never satisfied.
I made bread crumbs. Placed fabric orders. Answered emails. And reminded that everything I say is unacceptable.
I cooked dinner. Washed dishes. And successfully made it through the day hating my own voice.

I closed my etsy shop except for appliqued tees. I put my facebook page on vacation. Still people emailed me. And I probably made a sale or two.

Oh...look... a kitty!!!!!! :)  :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)


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“ that's why love is madness; it's too easy to lose your mind when you lose your heart. ”