Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Lighthouses aren't built to fall

Cryptic....and I'm not sorry to do it to you.

I stand firm upon the rock and unwavering against the waves. The water isn't even cold anymore. Almost...almost like a massage....a message. Pulsating...throbbing with this beaming light. A lighthouse with walls painted of dreams, joy plastered to the walls. Stones of strength....
....and why can't that be enough?
I see him trembling. His foundations rocking to and fro with every wave. I see him fight against the sea. Cursing the waves and gasping for breath from the chilled waters. Does he not know he too stands upon the rock...can he not remember? I watch and I lift him up....
....and why can't love be enough to bring him up from the depths?
What good is our love if it doesn't reach out far enough? What good is the presence of a lighthouse if our light fades into the fog and our dreams can't give hope to those who need it and our joy can't give joy to those who need it, and our strength can't give strength to those who need it....and why....why can't our love be enough.
Love conquers all....no.... only His love conquers all....and ask me how I know....
Ours can't lift them up from the sea. Can't lead them to shore. Can't carry them to safety, and doesn't bring them home. All it does is endures. It carries us, it holds onto and keeps shining out, without favor, without end.....and maybe....maybe if they see..... maybe if they would have it, if they could recognize it.....then maybe it could lead them to Him too...and they can carry that love....cause that's all that is sustainable.
Has he forgotten you? And the lighthouse isn't bright enough to lead him to you, no matter that there's a neon sign on the door that says "Enter within" and there's no easy way to say that he has forgotten you and has forgotten himself and has forgotten me too. And when you tell me you are working on it, working on him.....I believe you...and omg you didn't ever tell me it would take this long, and is bound to take much longer, and I probably would have argued with you about had you told me that in the beginning.
But I know....he is stubborn. And the lighthouse knows he thinks the light is just a pretty star only there to laugh at him....but the lighthouse doesn't laugh. The lighthouse stands strong waiting for him to enter within. The lighthouse....even the lighthouse knows it would be useless without the light.
And deep inside at the base of the shore....I pound my fists and I crawl into the dark shadows and I make myself feel the cold so I can understand why he looks away. This lighthouse will never stop shining dammit. Because this lighthouse knows the love that lasts forever and everyone deserves a taste of it. Pound on waves...thundering crashing deafening waves....I will stand. And the light will light up your ocean and those who seek refuge may enter within and this light will endure....come. He is within.

And I can't show you the light. You can only find it for yourself.....and those of you who write your words not intended for anyone else to read.....know that that too is light....light in dark places....and I thank you for leaving personal journals in random places, lost and forgotten, and I thank God for making me not even read them until the perfect time, and know that you've brought me to shore.


Don't listen to a word I say.....The screams all sound the same..... Though the truth may vary, this....ship will carry our....bodies safe to shore.


found something....in this twilight... 'if He sent it...He would have signed it' theory.
well...His signature is on everything.... and now we are on to the next lesson.
thought you might like to know what I found the other day.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

I feel the love... And I feel it burn... Down this river every turn

"Did you see what you did today?" He asks me while the sky is covered in a midnight blanket.
"No...?" I answer like a teenager, thinking if I had done something that might be perceived as wrong.
"I saw what you did." He smiles as he sends me images of myself....images of what I did do.
I played pretend real-life Minecraft with 5, 6, and 7 year old kids. I enticed one little kid out of the corner, as he was feeling disconnected with the others....and being that I knew he knows more than I could about Minecraft, I brought the subject up, as what would allow him to feel comfortable stepping away from the wall other than what he enjoys. Minecraft. Yeah, that video game with blocks, and creepers, and ender men. We started pretend building..and of course, everyone else wanted to know what we were doing...so yeah, they all probably knowing more about Minecraft than me, and started building as well. We made a tower, and laid tracks for a roller coaster. We all sat in the minecart and rode it too. We killed creepers and a few pigs so we could eat. We mined for diamonds and red stone and set up a crafting table to enchant our pick axes ans swords. We got some ender pearls and threw ourselves ...way over there. It was rather uneventful. But hey, the kid got out of the corner. I guess that's what the boss man was really concerned about.
Anyway, I get to paint a star.
"Add it to the sky." He says.

He's been catching me almost every day now. Every day. "How are you today?" He begins.
This is new. I like new.

I'm not sure why I came here. I suspected I would want to write about something....but no. I am not sharing much of anything lately. I think I'm just waiting for the right person to ask me.
Nothing to gripe about either. I'm complete.
I'm listening to itunes right now, and I almost forgot how inspiring some of my songs are. I don't get to listen much anymore, since I have a child who plays Minecraft on my computer during the time that I work, so i don't get music time. Will need to find a solution whenever I can focus on it....and afford it at the same time.
Recently, all I can focus on is book 3 of Angel of MidKnight. I'm on Chapter 18...like the very end of it...so I hope to have it written by Christmas, lol. We shall see. I want to go write now, but other than finding something (anything) to do here in internet land, I should be finishing up a dress I made and getting it packed up to be shipped.
I didn't even procrastinate on it...it just takes a long time to make.
I did turn down an order yesterday too. I was a bit on the fence about it, as we really NEED the money like you wouldn't believe, but I just can't take anything else on right now. I'm almost glad no one is buying right now. I'd rather be writing anyway. Taking pictures, learning songs on the piano, drawing, painting, ...listening to music while I lay in the driveway. <---- The good life right there.
I'm anticipating a self imposed vacation the beginning of November. So you will not find me online much except to write here on this blog if I get an inkling to do so. Probably not, as I only get that kind of urge in the middle of the night when I'm trying to fall asleep, and I'm too lazy to get up.

I've lost interest now, so I think I'm done.


Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Yeah, we'll be counting stars

Everything that kills me.....makes me feel alive.