............never mind me.....I'm just an outcast

I just don't know what to say. Some people are just lunatics. Why the heck I continue to allow these piss whippy shitnessy people into my beautiful happy glow of sunshine I will never know....but I assure you it will be the last. This goes all the way back to my resolution....to be selfish...but not just selfish....a selfish ass. The ass part of it is imperative!

Other than that reply to a oddly placed comment....all is sunshine. :)
Besides the fact there is still too much to do and far too less time to complete it all in. I'm a bit po'd and annoyed and fire blazing 'someone's gonna get it if they look at me the wrong way' sort of 'ish. Just tread lightly....

Anyway.....so far so good with that new resolve I posted about yesterday?? I'm feeling all accomplished...even though I did absolutely nothing. Sweet.
I lucked out as well....and really need to use this time to make good on some most excellent set of circumstances, so I can't talk long.

In other news....I need some help...like with stuff that needs done, and this, that, and the other. So send someone to do odd jobs for me....without cash pay....but I can bake you cookies or pizza, or something easyish like. ...ok, no not pizza....very hard to share that.

.............nevermind. now that I think about it I don't think I can even write anything else. Good bye.

my life is....

"I will not steal this from you."

And it has been settled.
That one little issue I still won't speak of.
All settled because one more lightning strike flitted it to it's destruction....and one more spark of glowing ember sunlight radiated it into its resurrection....into something better.

I'm now in the process of analyzing this new found resolve.....all based upon the quote above.
We may tweak it here and there, but do so gently and without any such form of struggle or remorse. Heck, most of it allows rather an epidemic of sunshine and happiness...lollipops, and rainbows...everything that's wonderful ;)
We got this, and I will not be the one to steal what they have from them....like many others choose to do with their own.


Studio flooring is in!! :) backdrop is up! lights are ready except for one the hubs needs to get put on the wall clamp thingy.
Room is partly cleaned, sewing room is a mess and I have orders that should be mailed out tomorrow but are nowhere near finished and I haven't got the slightest idea how I'm going to get it all done tomorrow! ARGH!
Possible sewing lady meet up this week, other helping cut out lady meet up this week, kids stuff this week, and who knows about that job thing this week since I've no clue when that will start....all I have to say is they better let me know...cause I'm already booked it seems....hmmm. :/
House needs cleaned, photo sessions need scheduled for possible next weekend if I get the other things I need finished finished, which I must anyway, but there seems to be this issue with only having 7 days in a week....and I don't remember which day was supposed to be the day of rest anymore...
Just wanted to stop in and write that first sentence...cause it means so damn much.
Goodnight my lovelies.

seedlings are hard to crack....

So the sun is shining again. That bright vibrant star full of lightning blinding rays. Warmness coasting at it's tips just before the air flow steals it away. You know it's warm, but somehow that blizzardly breeze snips it off suddenly...and you escape back inside.

Let me tell you of my week....the past 2 days anyway, lol. It's only Tuesday.
I snagged me a job with the photography company.....I wouldn't say this is being accomplished for money though...as I'm afraid I didn't even ask that part, ha. I do however want to use this leverage to learn a bit here and there and help pay for that vacation coming up fast. I'm hoping it doesn't steal so much time....because then I'll have to abandon that venture. We shall see what becomes of this part-time seasonal charade I've set afire...
Joined a school group for the kiddos. So far it's okay. only 2.5 hours, so not an issue on my lack of time management. Not any crazies that I've noticed so far either.
My backdrops arrived today!!! And I will attempt to set them up tomorrow and get this space ready for the photoshoot.
Today I was supposed to finish cutting out and prepping appliques, but well...I did...just not the ones I really need to do, lol. Damn, I'm good at this working without working crap.
I still have time, though I'm pretty sure I'm going to bed early and then really get on the ball with that in the morning instead.
I'm also still lingering on the edge of this predicament that I didn't really discuss before...and I just need 3 hours of uninterrupted time to sort through it all....time that does not remind me that I have real work that needs finished.
Also want to say that Jesus is awesome. Let me tell you a story....

Once upon a time in a land north east from here and about 15 ft higher....there was a heart that was lamenting and travailing due to the ever changing heartbeats of struggle. These were the times of not just the rains, but the stretching out and growth of new shoots and the splitting open of new seeds. This harsh world had made this heart once again forget of the purpose..the meaning...the goal... The little heart ached because of the turmoil of its environment.
"What do I do?! Which do I choose?! What can I do?! ... What do I......"
"Let me." The voice spoke....interrupting the barrage of uncertain questions that plagues the little heart. The voice....the one so longed for and desperately missing after the time of silence....the voice that one never forgets....
"Let me."
The little heart shivered....and laid those questions and trials and struggles and uncertainties at the feet of the one who spoke.
And the sun rose....the rains thundered...the seeds cracked open in fury.....and the stretching out of new growth spanned upward into the atmosphere.......what a great tree this shall be....

:)
I still like stories...yes I do. Especially these....since they are so caustic....like throwing gasoline into a supernova....and the voice...well, let's just say He whom speaks..is freaking awesome. <3
Moral of the story...... 'we' do not have to burden ourselves with this foolishness of the world. 'we' do not have to choose or suffer, or struggle, or search for ways to fill in the gaps.....'we' can never fill those gaps.....no matter how much we pour into those holes, they still remain empty......and 'we' continually forget.....only one thing can fill them.....only one....remember......
'we' have freak outs when we fear we might forget His voice....we freak out if 'we' think He has forgotten us, or 'we' will forget His face...'we' spill out when we are flooded with ourselves....full or holes and empty....scattered out upon the cold floor...
But...We will not forget His voice....and after an eternity when you feared He won't bless you with that voice...He speaks and you remember all of a sudden. We know He won't forget Us. We will always be held by His face....and when We spill out....He lifts Us up and fills Us with more than We ever thought we could hold....


....do you like my rants....lol.....I find it rather odd I sit here when I should be sewing and tell you my stories about Jesus Christ and His awesomeness at 11:15pm and even if something needs mailed out tomorrow....there isn't anything that would keep me from writing about Him...when I need to anyway. Sometimes I even forget what He says after I write it...and I go back and look at older things and consider myself a freak, lol. I relearn stuff...again and again if I must...some I don't remember writing at all and I go 'ohhhh!!' like I just learned something new for the first time... I'm such a dork.

So anyway...lots and lots and lots to do. I must go now...and I really hope that after watching a fair amount of youtube and spending way too much time.....I hope aliens are not real, the boss man is coming back soon, the shootings at the school are a hoax (ahem...government set-up for sure right there), the government isn't trying to control earth's grid network, and we can reach spiritual enlightenment sooner rather than later.

Happy days my good pals of jiggly freon. Don't inhale the bs

dreery rainy blah

I'm feeling a bit 'ugh' today....stupid rain.
I'm thinking of running away. Like not visit facebook except for my emails/messages...like not 'do' anything except for what I want. Being selfish is hard work when you spent most of the time in previous years not being selfish. And I have figured out that the only way you can 'change' things is to be an ass about it.
Not a mean ass...but an ass nonetheless.
I'll give it a go.
Thinking of going to bed early *yawn. And brace myself for yet another day full of rain tomorrow...and maybe go hit up the store, as there's no meat in the house...or apples... :( and we can't be having that.

I'm also struggling to find a way to reorganize some other issue in this household and the problem is I 'know' how to get rid of it, but stuck between following that selfishness, and doing what everyone else is doing.....and I despise being conformed to any body else's ways.
I need friends :(

I guess I could call up my very good friend though....he would know what to say. Or ask the boss man, which would probably be better...but I usually only get to converse with Him before bed..and well...I fall asleep too dang fast. I totally suck at managing my time...and/or important things.
Maybe dh would know....but he usually just says to do what I want.... :P

And so the question is...what do I want?
I can't really write about it on here...as I'm still somewhat hindered from sharing everything....especially when I have it in my head that the majority of everyone would disagree in some form or another. Boo on that, eh?
I'll have to practice being an ass first, then when I get my guts up, I'll blab anyway...and that will be that, lol. It'll probably be soon..like in a hour or so, lol. So if I'm still here writing, well...you will be lucky. :)
What else....
I'm discouraged....it is so difficult to find people willing to learn and put their talents to work. I'm feeling all dead asleep inside too...like this is all a dream and I'm just waiting to wake up. There really is no point to anything when its been raining for days, lol. I'm just bummed, ha.

So much not to say....so fuck this, I'm going to go bake some cookies.

Eh...help a verb out here...

My uncle just won best actor for Les Mis...yep that's right.
I had a dream about a sitcom last night...like a comedy sitcom of some sort...mind you this is the only thing about my dream I remember...but this gives a tad bit of confirmation about that something I asked about. Like I said before. A hoax....nothing but lies indeed.
I successfully got some sewing work done over the weekend. My studio lights are set up, however my backdrops haven't arrived yet....which is fine...cause I'm not done with the outfits I need the studio for just yet, lol.
Here's my facebook page link, if that's easier to find out when I post random stuff on here.... https://www.facebook.com/pages/Wabi-Sabi-Perfectly-Imperfect/246351012052604
Tomorrow....expecting call from doctor....and possibly a photography job?? Hopefully not too early though.
Going to try school at a different time period this week too...in an effort to make it better so to speak.....however I don't like the idea of saying it that way. It shouldn't be better or worse or have any definition to describe learning....it should just be, and be able to accept it as it comes and/or goes. The attempt to schedule and plan and attain school related goals just seems more insane than seizing everyday opportunities to actually learn something...all without this motion to follow a given format/formula/plan. Ugh. I think I just need more ideas to do awesome stuff (with a dose of learning in it) instead of having no clue and 'winging' it. And certainly skip this idea of worksheets and book review horseshit.....
Reminds me of this homeschool family that goes to music class that same time the girl goes for her piano.....the other day one of the kids were asking his mom what a helping verb was.....and I was like...."wtf is a helping verb?" Will your future boss or spouse really need that info from you in the years to come....are you planning to take a test all about helping verbs? or nouns even? adjectives?.....um...no.
I remember maybe hearing about it when I was in school.....and that was the last time.....ever.
I even wrote a book....and a blog, haha....and really do not need to know what a helping verb is. Yeah sure, I could write more eloquently or sophisticated...or heaven help my book with its weird sentence structures and all......but you forget........I don't give a rats ass the 'proper' way to do it....I needed it out of my head!!!!
I'm not out to please anyone. NO one. not even the boss man......because if He ever wanted me to do something....He would make me 'want' to do it in the first place.... Hence this awesome selfish thing I got going....and you think I'm out spoiling myself....psh. I'm just trying to abide by my 'wants' so if anything....maybe He can get what He wants out of me.....even if I mess it up....which I'm sure to do most definitely.
But no worries....the boss man is awesome...and He's my favorite person ever! Then my family.....then my very good friend who kinda resembles my uncle, lol, but they aren't the same....at least not that I know of.... O_O

Soooo.....what else what else.... I'm a bit confounded why my 'puzzling seeds' had over 82 views? I didn't mention the prezident or governament or anything that would show up on google search.....whoops....I mean the peepeeman and 'the company'...sorry....forgot about my cue words...
Watching youtube videos makes the peepeeman out to be the antichrist....but ya know...I'm not quite sure of that just yet, lol. Those youtubers are insane....some of them anyway....I have a few favorites.....ok, well, they are insane too, but insane enough for me to watch their uploads for at least a bit of entertainment if anything. Like sock puppet theater, lol....some of those are funny....and the end of the world rapture stuff that 9nania puts up is pretty cool...I like hearing people's opinions and observations.
Anyway.....nothing mush else. I'll go now...as I probably said too much anyhow. :P


Good day mates! :)

Lies......

OMG......
The world has literately ended....
just wow....
It is amazing the information available out there on the world wide web...and you do have to use a hefty dose of discernment while perusing such worlds....
But alas....I no longer think that the world wide web is as much riddled with lies and half-truths as much so as the television news or the paper, or all the horseshit that pours out of these people who lie. Such filth.
Dirty rotten filth and half the world is asleep and get sucked into believing this huge obvious lie. They have been duped. .....and find it rather ironic that the only place you can even get a glimpse of the actual reality is the one place that was deemed 'unfit'.

My God....the world belongs to none other than Satan himself. And those who sleep belong to it....dancing with the devil in slumber, unwilling to open their eyes.....he's dancing you into a dream...a false shadow luring you into the pit.

Today was great and very freaking weird. But first I must tell you of my dream the night before last.

I can't remember all of it...but it involved a socialist nazi type scenario. You had to be where you had to be at a certain time. You couldn't just do as you please. There were these white wolves in this sanctuary type place and one was not doing well. I climbed in anyway and began feeding it. I was constantly looking over my shoulder while the person I was with kept telling me to not get caught. I knew I had to be careful what I fed this wolf, as for some reason there were peeled oranges around and knew that if I gave the wolf any at all I could go to jail. They were like sacred or rare or something. then I picked the wolf up and carried it out, all the time fearing that I would get caught by the 'military'.
Me and the person I was with, along with the wolf I was carrying made it to our apartment where more of our friends were. I stuck the wolf in the back corner in a box...everyone was freaking out and telling me to be careful what I fed it (as if food was rationed and you would go to jail if you wasted any). After feeding it, I went to sit down on the couch with my friends.....
Suddenly these 2 men in military uniforms just walked into our apartment....we all immediately stood up. I noticed some of my friends also had on uniforms as well, but they were careful to 'fix' them to hide what they were truly doing from the men who walked in.
In my dream I had the idea of 'nazi' while being there...however, these men did not have an accent or look foreign at all....more normal american. Their uniforms were a dark green with medals/patches/etc on them. The one in front had on his hat and he was the main one in charge. He had gray hair with a mustache. The one with him searched my friend to my left first and then me to make sure we were unarmed.
I was thinking they had found out about the wolf I was helping...but as they went to search the friends to my right, another man in a tan/brown suit poked through the door quietly, took hold of my hand and led me out of the room to outside. Once outside he held up 2 brown satchels and told me to pick one. I picked one as I tried to figure out what in the world he wanted. He handed it to me and led me along side the road. As we walked, I opened the satchel and saw it had a huge bundle of papers (looked like large 8x11 sized receipts), but there was this one smaller note that I knew was the thing I actually needed....(never got to read it though :( )
So we walked and he tried to hail a cab that was passing by, but it was full...it started to drive away but ended up slowing and pulling over and making the passenger in the back get out. The cab let us get it.... (the cab had a man driving and a woman in the passenger seat...these people looked like the man and woman from Les Mis that sold the little girl) anyway, we quickly drove away from town.....
I remembered that I had left my friend at the apartment and the wolf and was afraid they would get in trouble if the military men found the wolf in the box so I pleaded with the man in the brown suit to take me back so I could get the wolf out! I didn't want it to starve if no one else would feed it....so we began driving back, but I was so afraid that the military men would find me...and while we were headed back I was trying to figure out a way to get to the wolf without getting caught! Than I woke up.

The idea of this dream wasn't the fact we were living in a socialist crap type country, but that it already is happening here in reality. And to beat it all, i saw a picture today of a military man from china wearing that exact same freaking military uniform in my dream!! Argh! The ones in my dream weren't chinese though.... it was a very unsettling dream for sure, but at least I didn't wake up suddenly...as those are the ones that come true rather abruptly. Hate those!

Anyway....back to today..... went to an interview for a photography job, will find out next week if that results in anything new. Went to pick up a table from people giving one away (yay!)....but this morning I witnessed some rather sad scene.
There was traffic, but not bad traffic....Was coming up to a red light and this person was pulling out of the gas station in front of me to my left... (I was in the center lane, this guy was already mostly pulled out into the right lane) ....the person in front of me pulled forward past him...this guy trying to pull out started like cussing and yelling toward the guy in front of me who pulled forward....He was yelling and jabbing his finger and just being ignorant. I'm not even sure why he was mad, the guy in front of me didn't do anything and probably didn't even know the guy pulling out was yelling at him....but I could see him just fine as his window was down...he was yelling but I could only make out quite a few f words, s-o-b words, a hole words...among others....with my own radio on mind you. This mad guy was already in the right lane (crooked) and I'm not sure if he wanted across to the next lane or what...but still.....it's amazing how well you can see people's struggle and pain by the way that they act.....
I wonder if there's hope for such creature's. I felt sorry for him....that he couldn't control his actions...his anger...that he didn't have something 'better' to cling to other than his pain.

This leads me back to Les Mis....having something to cling to.
Our hope, our ever growing longing for a better place. Even if it's not here....it 'has' to be somewhere. Some call it heaven....some say it is found through teachings and books, and through the giving and showing of love....but I say its only found in one place...one place that stretches beyond all boundaries....in Him. And I only say that because the only time ever that you will ever be complete and without a want or care is when you are in His arms.
And you might come back here to this desolate place and realize that even everything EVERYTHING here.....cannot amount to even a glimpse of what you know to be there. Nothing here can fill that void, that incompleteness. All the love and peace and glory and beauty and amazing miracles of every moment in time still would not be enough.


Anyway.....Back to my beginning paragraph.....I was advised not to mention certain 'cue' words here on this stupid blog....so I will take that advise and use pseudonyms in their place....kinda like I do the boss man (love Him), or my very good friend, who by the way is most awesome... or batman....or Mr. Clean, or Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE.... :) you'll know what I mean and if you don't oh well.
So for now....I am going to see how this all plays out and watch the kingdom fall. I'm going to witness and take account. I'm going to remember. I'm going to remain on the side lines and see what happens. Unless for any reason my selfish self decides to assist in the progress.


In other news. I'm not sure how one goes about day by day by dying day not feeling whateverthehell is in the air. There's this thick heavy deep vibration and I wouldn't doubt if there will be a time very soon that something incredible happens. Now whether that will be a good or bad thing is yet to be determined. What is it?! for all that I relearned today....it is manna. Something to do with wintery white powder.....
can no one else feel it? Or am I stuck out here on my own yet again, while the other sheep huddle in the haystack where the wolves like to hunt.....argh!. Do you realize how frustrating it is not to have someone in this dimension to talk to about otherworldy stuff? Lol....no not aliens...I hate aliens! But more deep earthbound spirituality about stars and rivers and frequencies relating to atomic particles that directly involve His Voice..... aaahhh...but what do you know..

You sleeping creatures....Can't wait forever for everyone to wake up....
I heard a prediction today about how this culture will only rediscover itself at the end of a barrel....hmmm.....just wanted to document that. Not mine, but I heard it today.

I'm also somewhat astonished people stick their kids in school. what a joke. a joke almost as rotten as 'the company' that runs it. And if you don't know who 'the company' is....it starts with a gov.....ends in ment....and has ern in the middle. What did I say about cue words?...exactly...that has to do with the first paragraph too.....filthy liars that make you believe the lie!
Just my opinion.... but I like my opinion ...me and my selfish ass self. And I saw about 3 too many videos today...as the first one already worked its magic by the time I got the the 5th.... incredible....but I can't say what it's about other than I bet you could figure it out if you happened to hear about it on the news....


Well.....I am freaking going to get out of here, you may stay if you'd like, but me and my house are leaving and going somewhere better. I no longer care who else I see there other than the boss man and my very good friend. Maybe you can come too if you stop believing that horseshit you see on the news.
I'm outta here. Goodbye.

Puzzling seeds

So it's a new year....assuming you're not chinese. But what does that matter....you're still the same person are you not? You're still going to do the same things, act the same way, say the same things. Or are you?
You have a choice, ya know. Of course, I'm exempt, because I don't really think I am the same person. I rarely do the same things, act the same way, or say the same things. I'm pretty reliable at being unpredictable.
Make any resolutions? I did....like being selfish..... and doing the things I often do to get attention from the boss man.....that thing regarding shooting myself in the foot....or most recently my head. I am such an idiot, lol....I'm not sure why I agree to things like this....literately 'ask' for things like this....at least without thinking them through first....ugh.
But of course...we totally trust the boss man and all, so why should we have to think about it, right?! Well....I have to be selfish and all and say, that yes....think it through before you ask for something.....it seems that I never ever ever get the normal response...and I know He is having a good 'ol laugh right about now.

So besides my detrimental humility, and most awesome selfish self....today I got a facebook message asking me if I was missing a dog named Coraline. Just so happened I was...but I wasn't really 'missing' her....the fireworks evidently scared her really bad last night and instead of hanging out with the neighbors bonfire party...that when they started shooting off the big loud fireworks...she took the heck off! Luckily she had her rabies tag from Wally's on and they had my name, but still thought I was in Dunlap. The people who found her looked me up on facebook, lol. She was about 3 miles away. Dumb dog!
But...I'm really glad there are still good people who try to do their best out in the world. Yay!

Well...anyway, ....today was productive. A little annoying, somewhat drabby, and overall ok. Looks like I will be setting up a studio here soon. Although having funds to do such would be required. Still planning bunches of stuff, that still looks accomplishable too. Besides the fact my sewing room is a total disaster, I'm well pleased with the productivity that got done in there today.
Just 4 sets to go....and hopefully tons more too. I'm so ready to have some serious work to do. Like seriously. I know, right.... because I'm not the same person I was last week...and certainly not the same one I was yesterday. I'm on a roll to the finish. ...and I will not elaborate on that just yet. ;)

I played piano for about an hour yesterday....the same song. (I was learning it...duh) lol. Should practice tonight before I forget it...
School hopefully starts back up again tomorrow since we've been slacking since daddy's been home.....he finally goes back to work tomorrow.
watched Arthor Christmas tonight....it was better than I expected (which was very low to begin with) and it was kinda sad...but kinda 'ugh, another santa movie', but but but.....I totally related the story in it to the boss man. Yeah, I know...I do that with almost everything, deal with it. But still....it reminds me of how people 'tell' about God, and say to 'believe' in God. And how all these kids believe he comes on christmas eve and such.....
Relates to people believing He will be coming on so-and-so time....
Is believing enough?
If you love enough, or pray enough, or cry enough, or ask enough.....do you think it determines whether or not He comes at all or quicker/slower? Does anything you could do alter the outcome? Does anything anyone does, even determine whether or not He is even real?
For instance... If you have this very good friend....that you love enough, talk to enough, and they freakily even converse with you....does this make them really real? A product of your imagination maybe? Can you make it real because you believe in them, because you love them?? Or are they something else? An angel perhaps....the comforter....a guide, a extension of someone else....? Does this make them any less real?
What about Him..... nothing you can do can determine whether or not He is real. It's I suppose how you analyze certain outcomes or experiences that either reveal that He is...or He is not. If we had other experiences...could we not be swayed to the other side? ....so how does one make a fair choice? Where is the freedom of choice if we only have pieces of the truth? Would it be my fault if I were only given dark puzzle pieces? Or only light? How can I determine what the picture is until I first know how many pieces there are and what the picture truly is?

I'll admit, I've been dealt ten buckets of light pieces and only 3 of dark....the dark buckets are larger than the light buckets, but the light buckets sparkle. I like sparkle....and even if I lose all the pieces because the cat wanted his table back.....when I remember the puzzle, I will remember the sparkly pieces.

Want to hear a story? Sure you do!

Once upon a time...there was this young girl. She was lost and confused as we all get when the rains come. Nothing makes sense, nothing comes from our efforts...
But she had this very good friend. This friend knelt down to her and took her hands. "What is it?" He asked.
"Wasted efforts, there's no reason to even bother. It does no good to do good." She cried.
"Why would you say that?" He would ask, already knowing her answer.
"Everything I do begets nothing. I;d rather do nothing than try to do something to get the same result".
"It's like planting seeds." He smiled. "When you act, when you work, when you do those things....every time you are planting a seed. Do you expect to see the entire garden grown in one night?"
She looked at him contemplating...what...
"You're not in the garden yet." He whispered. "And garden's take time. They take patience. They take many seeds. They take warmth, they take light, they take...rain."
She looked down with a smile.
And this is what very good friends are for. And this is what this life is for. And this is why one single sparkly puzzle piece will be cherished over every dark piece in the entire puzzle. And this is why we should continually fight to believe in very good friends....to make them real....just like we should be fighting to make the garden real.


Yay! Stories!
I was in a garden before....even if it was only for a short time....my life is in it. And this is my sparkly puzzle piece. :)