I give up.
So there's a division. Partly an existence of living along the flowing river and joyfully taking what comes as grace. Partly being patient and sincere and calm. Partly seeing fullness in what things may come as well as smiling unto the next sunrise.
The other side gets trapped beneath that wholesome illusion. Where it cries and wails for it all to be over. Screaming to go home. Cringing that whatever this life holds that it cannot actually be a part of it....not ever. Only watch it from afar.
I'm tired. angry. lonely. diving into sadness. Let me fall. I want to.
Things are falling apart. And I'm too tired to pick up the pieces or even care to put them back together. Why should I have to. Scrambling to save the wholesome little worlds we call life. Why.
No more. I give up and will watch it fall. Falling. falling.
Bitterness bites. Deep fangs searching for blood. Drink mine. It's all gone cold, bled out over and over and over again. Rigid heartbeats struggling to find something to warm its breath.
Stoned as a statue. Unmoving and silent. This is what will come if the fire goes out.
The fire. The ever burning fire that moves as in a cloud and encircles the throne room. Colors swirling..warmth. Depth of everlasting within the nucleus. And the only one who cares standing beside me.
What was the judgement of that day? Guilty maybe. Or was I even seen at all. Forgotten like I often forget.
So the fall comes...just after the dance. And we fall.
And then...the rise.
Burning blazing radiant consuming fire. Both of us. Devouring fire...ever burning...with everlasting depths...colors swirling....and you then...will fall.
Yeah, I know you don't 'get' it. It doesn't matter anyway, I'm not trying to open your eyes anymore.
It's been a long time since I came around.
Been a long time, but I'm back in town.
This time I'm not leaving without you.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
WhheeeEEEEeeeeEEEEeeee!!!!
We were standing upon what looked like the salt flats that are out west. A blazing sky of orange and red that told of a new sunrise that was just about to sprout in the distance. Where have these colors been? They looked new, young, vibrant, and alive.
He took my hand and we began to dance. We danced...
He was wearing a suit. Nice, fitted, pristine... My dress was flowing, white, smooth, silent even as we danced.
We twirled on top of the white sands. The sky still blazing orange and red. A small streak of yellow cut forth upward from where the sun was rising...Was it rising in the west??
"Give me all of you, and I will give you all of me." He stated as we moved within each others arms.
I stopped and looked at him...his eyes.
"But you are...everything." I said quietly. Because he was, and I was nothing. I didn't think it was a fair trade....he would get the worse end of the deal.
He slowed and gazed within me. "And what are you to me?"
Oh...
This silly girl still re-remembering again and again....forgetting again and again...and finding answers in all his questions. When will this struggle be over.
A new sunrise is coming...and it will be unlike any other.
The world sways and tosses like the sea, and the hordes cheer it on, like a roller coaster. But you can't stay on the ride forever. You have to get off if you want to retain your sense of equilibrium.
Be diligent and keep grounded...be real, be fully there in the now. Don't get lost in the whirlwind and dizziness of the world. In the chanting, in the hoopla and screams, in the energy sucking devouring winds....don't lose yourself to it.
Stay awake. Stay alert. Be wary of the crowds that line up to get on board the ride. Not all journeys are joyrides. Not all places and spaces with crowds of people are there for your benefit. This is where the wolves lurk. This is where you will find them. Wolves never hunt alone....
Back to this current perception of reality....
So I 'feel' better, but this cough is outrageously annoying as hell and is giving me a sore throat from coughing too much. But the headache is gone...all just cough now. So I guess that's better, yes?
Sewing work is on schedule, so I don't feel stressed and unproductive.
Caesar has a new bunny friend we named Xavier...but I can attest, they do not understand what a litter box is...hmmm...I guess I will have to try some google tips in regards to this. I know they can be trained...right?
I'm excited to work on some new sets...isn't that kinda awesome that I'm not hating on my job, lol. At least not right now anyway.
I'm still bummed I don't have a Nikon D7000 with a 18-200mm lens and no one has offered to help me get one. I will remember this.
I'm gonna call the bank people tomorrow unless they call me first....and I can talk without coughing. Gonna get more work done, not sure what else, depends how I feel...ugh! Being sick sucks!
I got nothing else to talk about, so I guess I'm done for now...just had to get that first thing I wrote out of my head before I forgot...
goodbye jabberwockies.
Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown Everybody's watching to see the fallout Even when you're sleeping, sleeping Keep your ey-eyes open...
Friday, April 27, 2012
Uber crap!
Tonight
We are young
So I set the world on fire
We can grow brighter
Than the sun
Day 9..feel like crappyola! Being sick sucks ass. But glad the are over the counter meds that actually do work...Advil and Robitussin do...Mucinex, not so much. And halls cough drops still work too. Awesome, let's hope its all gone by Monday so I won't have to visit a certified doctor...I ain't got no money for that shit...or insurance...thank you american society...
I could be living in Australia, where everyone has health care....or Canada, where it as least way way cheaper....But no...Australia is too far for me to afford to go there..and Canada is too cold too often.
In other news...let's se....work, work, work, garden stuff I couldn't do cause headaches overpower dirt, clean house...did that mostly..good enough anyway.
Forgot to call bank people to harass them...I'll definitely get to them Monday. Just waiting to get the approval stamp and closing date....slowness is killing me here!.. It never took this long every other time we bought a house....geesh!
Caesar is a nut case bunny....and isn't as freaked out by the dog as he was at first, so he's pretty chill...now to really get that litter training down and he'll be set. But I did have to make sure I put my plants up off the floor so he wouldn't eat them!...I think one of them got devoured...like all of it...that little turd, lol!
Anyway...just work and more work, but glad in a way because I get to make a Lady and the Tramp set which is awesome anyway and I haven't made one of those before, so kinda excited aboutthat one and the Mulan one, since I think Mulan is awesome anyway. Then another Alice dress and Doc Mcstuffins...which I found out is a really cute tv show, but I get to make a set for that as well...so even though I feel ubber cruddy, I still have work to do tonight and a few short errands tomorrow (while I'm doped up on Robitussin!WhheeeEEeeEE!) to get some fabric I totally thought I had! Some groceries, so we's can eats! And a brother bunny!! I can see it now...2 crazy bunnies running through the house while the cat teases them and gets tag-teamed by them and the dog...yeah...good times.
Otherwise, I have nothing to share....I don't think...hmmm...
I have a to do list with 5 major priority things that I have posted for today...and only 1 got finished...so I MUST go try and get the other 4 done as well so I at least won't have to do them tomorrow morning! Yikes! Laters!! Maybe I can write something more thought provoking later or next time.
When I feel like crap you'll still get awesome..but awesome crap ;)
We are young
So I set the world on fire
We can grow brighter
Than the sun
Day 9..feel like crappyola! Being sick sucks ass. But glad the are over the counter meds that actually do work...Advil and Robitussin do...Mucinex, not so much. And halls cough drops still work too. Awesome, let's hope its all gone by Monday so I won't have to visit a certified doctor...I ain't got no money for that shit...or insurance...thank you american society...
I could be living in Australia, where everyone has health care....or Canada, where it as least way way cheaper....But no...Australia is too far for me to afford to go there..and Canada is too cold too often.
In other news...let's se....work, work, work, garden stuff I couldn't do cause headaches overpower dirt, clean house...did that mostly..good enough anyway.
Forgot to call bank people to harass them...I'll definitely get to them Monday. Just waiting to get the approval stamp and closing date....slowness is killing me here!.. It never took this long every other time we bought a house....geesh!
Caesar is a nut case bunny....and isn't as freaked out by the dog as he was at first, so he's pretty chill...now to really get that litter training down and he'll be set. But I did have to make sure I put my plants up off the floor so he wouldn't eat them!...I think one of them got devoured...like all of it...that little turd, lol!
Anyway...just work and more work, but glad in a way because I get to make a Lady and the Tramp set which is awesome anyway and I haven't made one of those before, so kinda excited aboutthat one and the Mulan one, since I think Mulan is awesome anyway. Then another Alice dress and Doc Mcstuffins...which I found out is a really cute tv show, but I get to make a set for that as well...so even though I feel ubber cruddy, I still have work to do tonight and a few short errands tomorrow (while I'm doped up on Robitussin!WhheeeEEeeEE!) to get some fabric I totally thought I had! Some groceries, so we's can eats! And a brother bunny!! I can see it now...2 crazy bunnies running through the house while the cat teases them and gets tag-teamed by them and the dog...yeah...good times.
Otherwise, I have nothing to share....I don't think...hmmm...
I have a to do list with 5 major priority things that I have posted for today...and only 1 got finished...so I MUST go try and get the other 4 done as well so I at least won't have to do them tomorrow morning! Yikes! Laters!! Maybe I can write something more thought provoking later or next time.
When I feel like crap you'll still get awesome..but awesome crap ;)
Monday, April 23, 2012
yes, they still can bite
"I hope you feel better tomorrow." The 8 year old says while moondough fills his hands.
Smiling, eyes radiant with blessed sweetness. I hope to cling to this for as long as possible.
The other just wants to go to roller derby and play with the friends. But explaining I still don't feel well enough to the 10 year old is next to hopeless. Isn't is great to be a child. Blessed childhood...let us grasp it and hold onto it dearly.
There I found myself. prancing upon the outskirts of the wild wild forest. Skipping tauntingly to the wolves that roam in the shadows of the trees. A little lamb dancing upon the grassy field where I knew the ravaging beasts would see and would cringe. There where I knew the shepherd was just over the hill, watching the flock, as always. I pranced and danced and called out to the creatures of the wild wild forest. "Come follow me, someone great is just over the hill." I would tease them day and night, though they only wanted to prey upon me. But I still taunted them to come up over the hill nonetheless.
But once again, perhaps I tripped, perhaps I just fell ill... and I laid down on the grass..injured...sick. I called up over the hill to the shepherd...once again...
He lifted me up...again, like a child, like the little lamb...and walked me back up over the hill to where the rest of the flock grazed.
"I'm your lost lame lamb. As a lamb, you always come for me, but never place me with the flock. Why not? What's wrong with me? I'm not like them." This little lamb would ask as a child with too many questions.
"Look at them." He would say. And I would look upon the sheep that were grazing in the grass. All the adult sheep...they were quiet and had their fleece and would huddle together like a good flock. But there was something...something strange that I couldn't grasp, and I was terrified at the thought of being near them...Was it their dark faces. Their blank stares. Their paws.
Paws?? They had paws as feet, paws just like the ravaging wolves that I often toyed with from the wild wild forest. What did this mean?
He took hold of my foot, where a strong black hoof, solid as rock protruded from my limber leg....I was not like them at all.
"I would not place you among them, as you have been mine from the beginning." The shepherd said.
I wonder what this means.... I wonder if those sheep were once wolves from the wild wild forest, who made it up over the hill and saw the shepherd and decided to stay. Being transformed into a new creature...though still finding themselves walking in darkness. I wonder if there are other little lambs too...or any other real sheep for that matter. I know they must exist, but we are all separated until the time comes.
This is why I get kicked out of places, this is why I get persecuted, this is why I get accused....and still dance around tauntingly...because I am not like you. I walk upon the rock. I venture among the wolves. I smile and laugh and taunt and test and ask stupid childish questions. And He still comes for me.
And in the fog, where he remained silent for the longest time....the fog, which is the smoke from the bottomless pit...the mist, where we wait for the approaching enemy....when I ask why he was being so silent...
"So you can rest." He finally spoke after my persistent teenaged childish inquiries... "Ooooohhhh." I'm such an idiot.
So, let's talk about boring reality stuff.....I finally finished that last order that took me for freakin' ever...but now I have 3 more on my list (Lady&the Tramp/another Alice in Wonderland dress..yay/and Mulan!!) and talking to about 4 others, but they are so indecisive, so I may or may not have more depending on how long it takes them to figure out what they really want or how much they really want to spend...ugh. And I'm being outrageously generous on my costs right now, so they had better get it together before I go back to that ruthless 'you are gonna pay' because 'you are making me work' mode. And I still have 15 tops to put appliques on before May 1st! And I have to have something to list for our group launch this Thursday...oh hell. And I still feel like crap too, but the kid has piano tomorrow and I have to pick up a dress to alter and go to the store and and and and!!
But the appraisal guy came last week, so hopefully by the end of this week, we will know for sure whether we get this refi. Oh gosh, they are so slooooowww!!! I really don't like paying interest guys, come the freak on!!! And I just know they will put closing another 4 weeks out just because they can...and they seem to like to prolong things. UGH!! Killing me here!
So, I guess I had better try and force myself to get up and go accomplish something, even though I feel icky.
Be good my lovelies. Stay safe.
How do I stay with you?
By asking me to stay with you...always.
Smiling, eyes radiant with blessed sweetness. I hope to cling to this for as long as possible.
The other just wants to go to roller derby and play with the friends. But explaining I still don't feel well enough to the 10 year old is next to hopeless. Isn't is great to be a child. Blessed childhood...let us grasp it and hold onto it dearly.
There I found myself. prancing upon the outskirts of the wild wild forest. Skipping tauntingly to the wolves that roam in the shadows of the trees. A little lamb dancing upon the grassy field where I knew the ravaging beasts would see and would cringe. There where I knew the shepherd was just over the hill, watching the flock, as always. I pranced and danced and called out to the creatures of the wild wild forest. "Come follow me, someone great is just over the hill." I would tease them day and night, though they only wanted to prey upon me. But I still taunted them to come up over the hill nonetheless.
But once again, perhaps I tripped, perhaps I just fell ill... and I laid down on the grass..injured...sick. I called up over the hill to the shepherd...once again...
He lifted me up...again, like a child, like the little lamb...and walked me back up over the hill to where the rest of the flock grazed.
"I'm your lost lame lamb. As a lamb, you always come for me, but never place me with the flock. Why not? What's wrong with me? I'm not like them." This little lamb would ask as a child with too many questions.
"Look at them." He would say. And I would look upon the sheep that were grazing in the grass. All the adult sheep...they were quiet and had their fleece and would huddle together like a good flock. But there was something...something strange that I couldn't grasp, and I was terrified at the thought of being near them...Was it their dark faces. Their blank stares. Their paws.
Paws?? They had paws as feet, paws just like the ravaging wolves that I often toyed with from the wild wild forest. What did this mean?
He took hold of my foot, where a strong black hoof, solid as rock protruded from my limber leg....I was not like them at all.
"I would not place you among them, as you have been mine from the beginning." The shepherd said.
I wonder what this means.... I wonder if those sheep were once wolves from the wild wild forest, who made it up over the hill and saw the shepherd and decided to stay. Being transformed into a new creature...though still finding themselves walking in darkness. I wonder if there are other little lambs too...or any other real sheep for that matter. I know they must exist, but we are all separated until the time comes.
This is why I get kicked out of places, this is why I get persecuted, this is why I get accused....and still dance around tauntingly...because I am not like you. I walk upon the rock. I venture among the wolves. I smile and laugh and taunt and test and ask stupid childish questions. And He still comes for me.
And in the fog, where he remained silent for the longest time....the fog, which is the smoke from the bottomless pit...the mist, where we wait for the approaching enemy....when I ask why he was being so silent...
"So you can rest." He finally spoke after my persistent teenaged childish inquiries... "Ooooohhhh." I'm such an idiot.
So, let's talk about boring reality stuff.....I finally finished that last order that took me for freakin' ever...but now I have 3 more on my list (Lady&the Tramp/another Alice in Wonderland dress..yay/and Mulan!!) and talking to about 4 others, but they are so indecisive, so I may or may not have more depending on how long it takes them to figure out what they really want or how much they really want to spend...ugh. And I'm being outrageously generous on my costs right now, so they had better get it together before I go back to that ruthless 'you are gonna pay' because 'you are making me work' mode. And I still have 15 tops to put appliques on before May 1st! And I have to have something to list for our group launch this Thursday...oh hell. And I still feel like crap too, but the kid has piano tomorrow and I have to pick up a dress to alter and go to the store and and and and!!
But the appraisal guy came last week, so hopefully by the end of this week, we will know for sure whether we get this refi. Oh gosh, they are so slooooowww!!! I really don't like paying interest guys, come the freak on!!! And I just know they will put closing another 4 weeks out just because they can...and they seem to like to prolong things. UGH!! Killing me here!
So, I guess I had better try and force myself to get up and go accomplish something, even though I feel icky.
Be good my lovelies. Stay safe.
How do I stay with you?
By asking me to stay with you...always.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The lion, the switch, and the wardrobe
Waiting excitedly for the bank people to call in the morning to get the appraisal people out so we can get this ball a moving!!!! .... I guess this means I need to clean the house....oh...
OMG, a small bundle of clothes for the kid and a few on sale items (okay, and a bunch of clearanced plants from Lowe's) and groceries are really expensive! and....well, one store gave me coupons to use later for 50% off....crap...I don't want to buy more! argh! ...I wonder if I can sell them on ebay? hmmm...that is once I find the coupons....ugh...where the heck did they go???!
Last weird dream included a lion and a big house....and the lion was trying to get to me...though I don't think he was gonna hurt me, but I was still a chicken and evaded him from room to room....but then the kids and other kids showed up and I had to keep the lion away from them too!!! and they were moving so slow!!! and the lion was trying to get through a door that wouldn't close all the way...and I was trying to rush the kids to get out before he opened the door, but they were walking like nothing was happening, lol!! I was so frustrated!! The lion kept reaching his paw through the door! A HUGE PAW!!, but I still had the feeling that he wasn't really going to hurt me...ugh, finally woke up! Thankfully! and it was 3:40am...boo!
no earthly destruction though, just the last earthquake dream....did I write about that???
I think it was late last week...?? I was in someone's house (April's from roller derby??)... and we had mini laptops set up that we were working on along with some other people who were there with us. Something strange had happened and I logged onto the website that showed the earthquakes that happen on earth... but once the page started loading only half way, it would flip to another website real fast, like the original website was being shut down or diverted so noone would know what had happened.
Well, the page loaded partly where you could see the circles around where an earthquake happened......in my dream, we saw that the circles were directly ontop of the USA!!, but before we could pin point the center circle (epicenter) the page would shut down. The circles expanded from somewhere near the center of America and continued all the way to the oceans on the map!
I remember April saying something about that she should leave and go somewhere safe because things were dangerous. But in my dream I was thinking that where we were was safe because we were not affected by the destruction...because where we were is were the big guy put us to keep us safe...
I woke up after that.
I didn't feel an earthquake in my dream, so I guess we won't be shaken...kwim....
and omg.....Krispie Kreme's glazed apple pie......the little things that come in a cardboard box....they do not have milk in them (makes you wonder WHY!!!! (AHHHHH!!!) the regular glazed doughnuts do :(
But it was SOOOOO FREAKING GOOD!!! If you love me, you will give one to me next time you see me.... and I will love you long time!!
I can't afford anymore shopping trips until the wonderful bank people do all their happy paperwork stuffs....and even then...I's got a truck to pay off...and a Nikon D7000 with a 18-200mm lens that needs someone to help it find it's way to me! Do I not have any well-to-do friends??family??enemies who wish to see me frustrated on learning dslr tech??come on!!!
I's got me's a bunny today!!!!!!!! His name is Caesar...(an rework of Seizure, cause he likes to shake??) ...but he will need a lady friend when he grows up, lol.
I'm gonna build him a condo when I figure out how much wood hubby has in the shed he doesn't really need :)
I'm outta here! Maybe chat with you wonderfuls later...tiring day today... money is a type of energy...and I just used it up. :P
OMG, a small bundle of clothes for the kid and a few on sale items (okay, and a bunch of clearanced plants from Lowe's) and groceries are really expensive! and....well, one store gave me coupons to use later for 50% off....crap...I don't want to buy more! argh! ...I wonder if I can sell them on ebay? hmmm...that is once I find the coupons....ugh...where the heck did they go???!
Last weird dream included a lion and a big house....and the lion was trying to get to me...though I don't think he was gonna hurt me, but I was still a chicken and evaded him from room to room....but then the kids and other kids showed up and I had to keep the lion away from them too!!! and they were moving so slow!!! and the lion was trying to get through a door that wouldn't close all the way...and I was trying to rush the kids to get out before he opened the door, but they were walking like nothing was happening, lol!! I was so frustrated!! The lion kept reaching his paw through the door! A HUGE PAW!!, but I still had the feeling that he wasn't really going to hurt me...ugh, finally woke up! Thankfully! and it was 3:40am...boo!
no earthly destruction though, just the last earthquake dream....did I write about that???
I think it was late last week...?? I was in someone's house (April's from roller derby??)... and we had mini laptops set up that we were working on along with some other people who were there with us. Something strange had happened and I logged onto the website that showed the earthquakes that happen on earth... but once the page started loading only half way, it would flip to another website real fast, like the original website was being shut down or diverted so noone would know what had happened.
Well, the page loaded partly where you could see the circles around where an earthquake happened......in my dream, we saw that the circles were directly ontop of the USA!!, but before we could pin point the center circle (epicenter) the page would shut down. The circles expanded from somewhere near the center of America and continued all the way to the oceans on the map!
I remember April saying something about that she should leave and go somewhere safe because things were dangerous. But in my dream I was thinking that where we were was safe because we were not affected by the destruction...because where we were is were the big guy put us to keep us safe...
I woke up after that.
I didn't feel an earthquake in my dream, so I guess we won't be shaken...kwim....
and omg.....Krispie Kreme's glazed apple pie......the little things that come in a cardboard box....they do not have milk in them (makes you wonder WHY!!!! (AHHHHH!!!) the regular glazed doughnuts do :(
But it was SOOOOO FREAKING GOOD!!! If you love me, you will give one to me next time you see me.... and I will love you long time!!
I can't afford anymore shopping trips until the wonderful bank people do all their happy paperwork stuffs....and even then...I's got a truck to pay off...and a Nikon D7000 with a 18-200mm lens that needs someone to help it find it's way to me! Do I not have any well-to-do friends??family??enemies who wish to see me frustrated on learning dslr tech??come on!!!
I's got me's a bunny today!!!!!!!! His name is Caesar...(an rework of Seizure, cause he likes to shake??) ...but he will need a lady friend when he grows up, lol.
I'm gonna build him a condo when I figure out how much wood hubby has in the shed he doesn't really need :)
I'm outta here! Maybe chat with you wonderfuls later...tiring day today... money is a type of energy...and I just used it up. :P
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Little golden eggs of awesomeness
A little golden egg.....each one of us.
So yesterday we watched Puss in Boots the movie since Netflix finally had it in to send us (that only took 2 months!)..
So at first...I thought there were a few too many scenes that regarded private areas a little too much, nothing serious, but more annoying if anything. I'm assuming people still think this type of comedy is funny?
Anyway, the storyline itself was lame, but I really loved the end....the part with the golden egg.
Not going to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it, but I think its rather touching.
I wonder if we are like little golden eggs on the inside.
Lost and confused and full of strife and anger on the outside...but once we leave these bodies...whether we are purified like gold on the inside. Even if we don't or can't always show it in this life....not while wearing flesh that strangles out divinity and works as a filter to keep us away from our true source.
Maybe some people have a better filter and just can't make the connection....and those whose filters are worn and tested...we see through the holes and see through to what is outside of ourselves.
Does that make sense?
Would it be a lost cause to hope that everyone would crack open and know truth and be able to live it.
Is it weird that even though Humpty Dumpty died in the movie, that at the end he was up at the castle in the sky all happy and stuff...or would you also consider that as subliminal programming as well? to make people believe that it is real.
Or do you think that someone...even though the plot of the story was lame....actually found a way to show things to people without it being so obvious that the 'other' people shut it down...kwim? Kinda like The Matrix...how it is so awesomely obvious what that movie is really about! and if you don't know what I mean....go to youtube... user id jonathonkleck I think the video before his rather boring last one has inserts of the film showing what it is about, but there are plenty more elsewhere too.
so....want to hear my latest research project?
well...yes I just happen to have things brought before me, but this doesn't mean anything other than that I have rather unique creative brain processing....
the constellation Orion. You've heard of it yes? The hunter, the heavenly shepherd...and the many other things it is called...
Well.....if you place the stars of Orion on a map of the world where some of the large earthquakes have hit....you notice that...the bottom two of the constellation match up to Japan and the other to New Zealand. the 3 stars of his belt match up to Mexico and up near Oregon where that 6.2 one was yesterday..or the other day... and the next in line would be near Los Angeles, CA.
The other top two stars would line up right near Iceland or Greenland (somewhere in that area) and the other would lie right near the Canary Islands.
The problem I get with this is, just today, one of those crazy youtube people (yes, I do think they are somewhat crazy!) mentioned that they felt they should leave California....ok...
and now that I remember...I wrote something not too long ago.... "I watch and move. My light reflects like a thousand stars. The earth, filled with skies, filling everywhere." for some reason I got the idea about taking the star maps and lining them up to the earth...but I don't think it meant as all the stars at once..but pieces...like a puzzle that from a distance, those stars would match up to earthly places looking at them from afar. Sort of like using a scope on a rifle....you have to line up the crosshairs at the target that is further away.
Anyway....I found it rather a fun project....though remember that dream I had with the black sail piece that came off a boat or something and had the word written on it...I think I know what it was...not sure...but I think is was Baell. Which I did not know what this meant until I was researching Orion and came across another wikipedia page (you know how it sucks you in by providing clickable links!!) But anyway on one of those random pages either about Orion, one of the stars, or the Pleiades or something, was something about Ba'al who's also called Baell....and for some reason I recognized the letters that immediately reminded me of that dream!
Not saying a demon killed the boat...but in a more figurative manner....a certain group of people/culture/etc. could represent that name and would have destroyed whatever the boat represented...get where I'm going with this?.. and assuming since the boat had black tarp or sails or something...and the investigators had to figure it out...and I was with them, I'm assuming the boat represents something more closely related to either our country/culture/etc.
Just thinking out loud here...sometimes it works, lol.
No bad dreams since then though, so alls good with the world I suppose. Except hot stove tops that take centuries to cool down and 8 year olds who forget what they learned when they were old enough to reach the stove.... boys!!
Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus,
To the lepers in your head.
Did I ask too much?
More than a lot?
You gave me nothing, now it's all I've got.
We're One, but we're not the same.
Well we, hurt each other and we'll do it again.
You'll say.
Love is a temple. Love a higher law.
You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl.
And I can't be holding on to what you've got
When all you've got is hurt.
One love
One blood
One life, you've got to do what you should.
One life, with each other.
Sisters, brothers.
One life. but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other.
ONE.
So yesterday we watched Puss in Boots the movie since Netflix finally had it in to send us (that only took 2 months!)..
So at first...I thought there were a few too many scenes that regarded private areas a little too much, nothing serious, but more annoying if anything. I'm assuming people still think this type of comedy is funny?
Anyway, the storyline itself was lame, but I really loved the end....the part with the golden egg.
Not going to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it, but I think its rather touching.
I wonder if we are like little golden eggs on the inside.
Lost and confused and full of strife and anger on the outside...but once we leave these bodies...whether we are purified like gold on the inside. Even if we don't or can't always show it in this life....not while wearing flesh that strangles out divinity and works as a filter to keep us away from our true source.
Maybe some people have a better filter and just can't make the connection....and those whose filters are worn and tested...we see through the holes and see through to what is outside of ourselves.
Does that make sense?
Would it be a lost cause to hope that everyone would crack open and know truth and be able to live it.
Is it weird that even though Humpty Dumpty died in the movie, that at the end he was up at the castle in the sky all happy and stuff...or would you also consider that as subliminal programming as well? to make people believe that it is real.
Or do you think that someone...even though the plot of the story was lame....actually found a way to show things to people without it being so obvious that the 'other' people shut it down...kwim? Kinda like The Matrix...how it is so awesomely obvious what that movie is really about! and if you don't know what I mean....go to youtube... user id jonathonkleck I think the video before his rather boring last one has inserts of the film showing what it is about, but there are plenty more elsewhere too.
so....want to hear my latest research project?
well...yes I just happen to have things brought before me, but this doesn't mean anything other than that I have rather unique creative brain processing....
the constellation Orion. You've heard of it yes? The hunter, the heavenly shepherd...and the many other things it is called...
Well.....if you place the stars of Orion on a map of the world where some of the large earthquakes have hit....you notice that...the bottom two of the constellation match up to Japan and the other to New Zealand. the 3 stars of his belt match up to Mexico and up near Oregon where that 6.2 one was yesterday..or the other day... and the next in line would be near Los Angeles, CA.
The other top two stars would line up right near Iceland or Greenland (somewhere in that area) and the other would lie right near the Canary Islands.
The problem I get with this is, just today, one of those crazy youtube people (yes, I do think they are somewhat crazy!) mentioned that they felt they should leave California....ok...
and now that I remember...I wrote something not too long ago.... "I watch and move. My light reflects like a thousand stars. The earth, filled with skies, filling everywhere." for some reason I got the idea about taking the star maps and lining them up to the earth...but I don't think it meant as all the stars at once..but pieces...like a puzzle that from a distance, those stars would match up to earthly places looking at them from afar. Sort of like using a scope on a rifle....you have to line up the crosshairs at the target that is further away.
Anyway....I found it rather a fun project....though remember that dream I had with the black sail piece that came off a boat or something and had the word written on it...I think I know what it was...not sure...but I think is was Baell. Which I did not know what this meant until I was researching Orion and came across another wikipedia page (you know how it sucks you in by providing clickable links!!) But anyway on one of those random pages either about Orion, one of the stars, or the Pleiades or something, was something about Ba'al who's also called Baell....and for some reason I recognized the letters that immediately reminded me of that dream!
Not saying a demon killed the boat...but in a more figurative manner....a certain group of people/culture/etc. could represent that name and would have destroyed whatever the boat represented...get where I'm going with this?.. and assuming since the boat had black tarp or sails or something...and the investigators had to figure it out...and I was with them, I'm assuming the boat represents something more closely related to either our country/culture/etc.
Just thinking out loud here...sometimes it works, lol.
No bad dreams since then though, so alls good with the world I suppose. Except hot stove tops that take centuries to cool down and 8 year olds who forget what they learned when they were old enough to reach the stove.... boys!!
Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus,
To the lepers in your head.
Did I ask too much?
More than a lot?
You gave me nothing, now it's all I've got.
We're One, but we're not the same.
Well we, hurt each other and we'll do it again.
You'll say.
Love is a temple. Love a higher law.
You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl.
And I can't be holding on to what you've got
When all you've got is hurt.
One love
One blood
One life, you've got to do what you should.
One life, with each other.
Sisters, brothers.
One life. but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other.
ONE.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
its not a cry that you hear at night....
still crying out...still the same...hoping someone will find me...and call out my name...
Today was fantastic. So fantastic I could wish it into oblivion...and forget it...because it was a total waste.
So I did manage to get the Rapunzel pics printed and cut and the fabric appliques cut out (yay for something gone right)....and violin class for the silly princess.
But I dare say that was all.
Wasted gas going to camera club which I thought had started at 7, but it in fact ended at 7 and I was there at the end...yay for spending gas and time and whatever else...oh yeah...outlook...
I quit.
And anyway....I can't be apart of anything right now.... I am just going to walk away if no one pulls me back.....
yeah, I know you don't need me...but the truth is, I don't need you either. But I'm such a loser enough to hang around if someone asks...but that never happens...I'm a no one. So I'm leaving and I'm going to disappear. You won't miss me...and I won't miss you, and even if I really do, you'll never know....or never care anyway.
So Hallelujah is playing on the tv (the kids are watching Shrek) and this is exactly how I feel....broken.
Hallelujah.
And Catherine from Cash n' Joy...God bless her. If I could love Australia more than I already do it would be because of her....(and Hugh Jackman of course!) but I think she just solved about 50 problems in one email...all by one awesome statement. OMG. Tomorrow is definitely spring cleaning day...and even though it will be cold...the doors will be opening (not my house doors, cause I hate the cold!)...the non joyous will be tossed out and the new joyous will be brought in. Stay tuned for a mockwockaflamibajig!!! Then after that, we are going to have that bar-b-que party. Batman will be there and so will my list of awesome people. Hallelujah.
Joy is the process, not the outcome.
Today was fantastic. So fantastic I could wish it into oblivion...and forget it...because it was a total waste.
So I did manage to get the Rapunzel pics printed and cut and the fabric appliques cut out (yay for something gone right)....and violin class for the silly princess.
But I dare say that was all.
Wasted gas going to camera club which I thought had started at 7, but it in fact ended at 7 and I was there at the end...yay for spending gas and time and whatever else...oh yeah...outlook...
I quit.
And anyway....I can't be apart of anything right now.... I am just going to walk away if no one pulls me back.....
yeah, I know you don't need me...but the truth is, I don't need you either. But I'm such a loser enough to hang around if someone asks...but that never happens...I'm a no one. So I'm leaving and I'm going to disappear. You won't miss me...and I won't miss you, and even if I really do, you'll never know....or never care anyway.
So Hallelujah is playing on the tv (the kids are watching Shrek) and this is exactly how I feel....broken.
Hallelujah.
And Catherine from Cash n' Joy...God bless her. If I could love Australia more than I already do it would be because of her....(and Hugh Jackman of course!) but I think she just solved about 50 problems in one email...all by one awesome statement. OMG. Tomorrow is definitely spring cleaning day...and even though it will be cold...the doors will be opening (not my house doors, cause I hate the cold!)...the non joyous will be tossed out and the new joyous will be brought in. Stay tuned for a mockwockaflamibajig!!! Then after that, we are going to have that bar-b-que party. Batman will be there and so will my list of awesome people. Hallelujah.
Joy is the process, not the outcome.
Monday, April 9, 2012
the complete incompleteness....
I watch the sun go down like everyone of us...
I'm hoping that dawn will bring a sign...
A better place for those who will come after us...
This time...
I'm just a dreamer...who's searching for the way...today.
I'm just a dreamer...dreaming my life away...
Completeness.....You'd think that this would be filled upon the lips of the brim....you'd think the fullness would pour out from the vessel and cover the earth...spilling out and rushing over like a thousand waterfalls. You'd think that overflowing with being complete would be sufficient.
Alas....not in this life. Or perhaps not yet.
Incompleteness.....you'd think it wouldn't reveal itself so brazenly, so obvious, so unashamed. You'd think that having the one who made you complete would be enough to cover all the incompleteness
Alas....not in this life, not yet.
Somehow it tears through like ravaging pain...always returning after you buried it, burnt it, or set it free. What is it that separates our pieces and scatters them afar....what is this forever longing? What is this eternal need?
The only thing that makes it even harder to bear is once having that completeness...even if only for a moment....and then it gets swept away from you. A brisk and short memory that lingers endlessly upon your thoughts...because it was the only thing that was ever real, if anything should be real.
Have you been there? There in the garden, where He smiles and speaks...and lifts you up into His arms, like you are His only child. Have you seen these things?
Let me tell you....that if you have not....know that you are blessed. Blessed. Blessed to know that you should not have to endure a forever longing to be there again.
And if you have....you suffer as I suffer. A beautiful raging storm of blessed incompleteness. Dying to be alive, because there.....is the only life.
Where do we look here...as we course the trails of dust and bones? Who shall we look for? All this....the wind racing through vibrating leaves and sunlight striking amidst the shadows...waves dancing and skies filled with rumbling lightnings. Whom shall hold us in the dark, while we wait until we meet again? Who shall smile upon our eyes and show us the fiery depths of joy? Who shall laugh with us and cry with us? Who shall it be, who could it be that could ever fill your place? Who can fill all those places? All those placed that are incomplete....
I ask you to send them to me.
Leaves from the vine...falling so slow...
Like fragile, tiny shells, drifting in the foam...
Little soldier boy, come marching home...
Brave soldier boy...comes marching...home.
I'm hoping that dawn will bring a sign...
A better place for those who will come after us...
This time...
I'm just a dreamer...who's searching for the way...today.
I'm just a dreamer...dreaming my life away...
Completeness.....You'd think that this would be filled upon the lips of the brim....you'd think the fullness would pour out from the vessel and cover the earth...spilling out and rushing over like a thousand waterfalls. You'd think that overflowing with being complete would be sufficient.
Alas....not in this life. Or perhaps not yet.
Incompleteness.....you'd think it wouldn't reveal itself so brazenly, so obvious, so unashamed. You'd think that having the one who made you complete would be enough to cover all the incompleteness
Alas....not in this life, not yet.
Somehow it tears through like ravaging pain...always returning after you buried it, burnt it, or set it free. What is it that separates our pieces and scatters them afar....what is this forever longing? What is this eternal need?
The only thing that makes it even harder to bear is once having that completeness...even if only for a moment....and then it gets swept away from you. A brisk and short memory that lingers endlessly upon your thoughts...because it was the only thing that was ever real, if anything should be real.
Have you been there? There in the garden, where He smiles and speaks...and lifts you up into His arms, like you are His only child. Have you seen these things?
Let me tell you....that if you have not....know that you are blessed. Blessed. Blessed to know that you should not have to endure a forever longing to be there again.
And if you have....you suffer as I suffer. A beautiful raging storm of blessed incompleteness. Dying to be alive, because there.....is the only life.
Where do we look here...as we course the trails of dust and bones? Who shall we look for? All this....the wind racing through vibrating leaves and sunlight striking amidst the shadows...waves dancing and skies filled with rumbling lightnings. Whom shall hold us in the dark, while we wait until we meet again? Who shall smile upon our eyes and show us the fiery depths of joy? Who shall laugh with us and cry with us? Who shall it be, who could it be that could ever fill your place? Who can fill all those places? All those placed that are incomplete....
I ask you to send them to me.
Leaves from the vine...falling so slow...
Like fragile, tiny shells, drifting in the foam...
Little soldier boy, come marching home...
Brave soldier boy...comes marching...home.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Why you go and do that?
Yesterday we all rode bikes around fall creek falls...and today we worked in the yard and garden...and made lasagna....YUM!
I'm still obligated to get sewing work done too, which sucks and I've discovered that going on a 'vacation' doesn't make that work suddenly disappear....which kinda sucks, lol. I'll finish the one tomorrow then....and the other 2, well, I'll try to get them done this week...and then possible other 2 which I hoped I wouldn't sell has became a possible 3...which I still hope won't sell....cause I'd rather do something more non-sewing wise....
And I'm thinking I need to do a purge....like a spring cleaning of my life and things that aren't working like they once used to.
Namely sewing....I like doing it sometimes...but only sometimes. And other things which I can't name here....but I have came to the conclusion that certain things outweigh others and with the way it is looking, I can't have both....well, more like all 3...so....I'm gonna have to alter some things to make it fit for the now and see where that leads.
On a good note, I am going to be selfish this coming week, so you are shit out of luck if by chance I just do not have the time for something or someone. I'm going to do what I want to do and hope that sewing work will somehow find a place between it all. Sorry.....well, not really sorry, more like tough shit.
Want a tidbit of information?
I have discovered over many years that if you want something, you need to be specific and unwavering..... In other words, don't change your mind or settle for less. Don't just ask for help....ask for whatever it is to be solved. Don't just ask for arrows pointing which way you should go, ask that the way be brought before you. Why you work so hard??!! Stop it! It's all easy and simple if you just do it the easy and simple way.
Hmmmm...unwavering....this reminds me Avatar, The Last Airbender (awesome show btw!) Where the Lionturtle is giving Aang a lesson on having an unwavering light, or it would be consumed by darkness....
People need to stop making excuses and exceptions for themselves....be unwavering. Don't apologize!!!!! (unless it was really an accident, duh) Stop making 'room' for things that are not working...things that you see are fighting against you.
Try it out without them for awhile...and if it doesn't get better, then fine, accept it back, but if it does get better....you know that that something was amiss. Stop being blind to things that are yelling at you.....stop ignoring things that you see as unfit for your life...
Us all fighting against the obvious is what creates our own unhappiness. You know what is wrong, why do you ignore fixing it..... Does He ignore fixing you....or do you ignore Him too?
Yeah, so tomorrow I will hound the bank people, cause I hate not knowing what is taking so freaking long or being updated...and the fact that another huge bill came in...ugh. And tomorrow I need to water my plants I planted today again....And tomorrow I probably have to do lots of stuff I am forgetting now and I'm too lazy to look on the list, lol....and NO I will not look, cause I'm still on vacation!
All the easter stuff that's all over facebook today...sorry. I don;t care if you dye eggs and sit next to someone in a rabbit costume, or go to church and hunt eggs, or dye them cause its fun, or eat ham, or even do the passover stuff too....what I do care about is whether or not you know what Easter is about...and NO I do not mean the third day and Jesus rose...we all 'know' that...its whether you care....and even if you do, what then? What about Eostre (the goddess of spring) you know its her hare and eggs that you play around with. But spring is great and having fun with eggs is good too, but I do think people need to know that one is one thing and one is the other...why you go making things so unified, like they are one....when they aren't.....come one now...teaching lies...teaching lies....stop it.
So...anyway...I watched a video today about someone's bad dream and they said the same thing like in mine and now I'm like ...uuuuuuhhhhh???? LOL, the part where "We need to get out of here NOW!' pops into it...yeah...it's really great...and I will also mention the one I saw yesterday about something else I will not share that left me a bit bewildered too...., but you're in luck before I run to go make some cookies...I'll share something today that's probably not awesome to you, but as always is awesome to me....give me a sec...
So there....in the fogginess of the mist, while the sounds have dimmed...although I know they still screech...it was only my plugged ears that silenced their calls...
He turned to me...finally. After all this time as He looked out into the fog, He turned.
What is it that is between us? So I asked, like a child confused..thinking I was messing up as usual.
He came up to me swiftly and knelt down to where I was sitting and gripped my face in His hands. Staring...how could you ever break away from those eyes...
"What is between us?" He asks....another question....always a question...
"Nothing." I said hesitantly..."Air?".... ugh, I'm such an idiot!!! I laugh about this now, can you tell...
"What...is between us?" He asks again while I forget my stupid answer.
"Nothing." I say more composed cause now He's serious and I feel like an oaf.
"Not even that." He whispers while still staring into me...
Yes, He is that awesome.
So in retrospect and lamen's terms....what is between Him and you? Whatever it may be....remove it. Not traditions, not duties, not values, not deeds, not prayers, not your stupidity, or mine, not anything, not even nothing. Why you go and think things are so hard?
STOP IT!!!
I'm still obligated to get sewing work done too, which sucks and I've discovered that going on a 'vacation' doesn't make that work suddenly disappear....which kinda sucks, lol. I'll finish the one tomorrow then....and the other 2, well, I'll try to get them done this week...and then possible other 2 which I hoped I wouldn't sell has became a possible 3...which I still hope won't sell....cause I'd rather do something more non-sewing wise....
And I'm thinking I need to do a purge....like a spring cleaning of my life and things that aren't working like they once used to.
Namely sewing....I like doing it sometimes...but only sometimes. And other things which I can't name here....but I have came to the conclusion that certain things outweigh others and with the way it is looking, I can't have both....well, more like all 3...so....I'm gonna have to alter some things to make it fit for the now and see where that leads.
On a good note, I am going to be selfish this coming week, so you are shit out of luck if by chance I just do not have the time for something or someone. I'm going to do what I want to do and hope that sewing work will somehow find a place between it all. Sorry.....well, not really sorry, more like tough shit.
Want a tidbit of information?
I have discovered over many years that if you want something, you need to be specific and unwavering..... In other words, don't change your mind or settle for less. Don't just ask for help....ask for whatever it is to be solved. Don't just ask for arrows pointing which way you should go, ask that the way be brought before you. Why you work so hard??!! Stop it! It's all easy and simple if you just do it the easy and simple way.
Hmmmm...unwavering....this reminds me Avatar, The Last Airbender (awesome show btw!) Where the Lionturtle is giving Aang a lesson on having an unwavering light, or it would be consumed by darkness....
People need to stop making excuses and exceptions for themselves....be unwavering. Don't apologize!!!!! (unless it was really an accident, duh) Stop making 'room' for things that are not working...things that you see are fighting against you.
Try it out without them for awhile...and if it doesn't get better, then fine, accept it back, but if it does get better....you know that that something was amiss. Stop being blind to things that are yelling at you.....stop ignoring things that you see as unfit for your life...
Us all fighting against the obvious is what creates our own unhappiness. You know what is wrong, why do you ignore fixing it..... Does He ignore fixing you....or do you ignore Him too?
Yeah, so tomorrow I will hound the bank people, cause I hate not knowing what is taking so freaking long or being updated...and the fact that another huge bill came in...ugh. And tomorrow I need to water my plants I planted today again....And tomorrow I probably have to do lots of stuff I am forgetting now and I'm too lazy to look on the list, lol....and NO I will not look, cause I'm still on vacation!
All the easter stuff that's all over facebook today...sorry. I don;t care if you dye eggs and sit next to someone in a rabbit costume, or go to church and hunt eggs, or dye them cause its fun, or eat ham, or even do the passover stuff too....what I do care about is whether or not you know what Easter is about...and NO I do not mean the third day and Jesus rose...we all 'know' that...its whether you care....and even if you do, what then? What about Eostre (the goddess of spring) you know its her hare and eggs that you play around with. But spring is great and having fun with eggs is good too, but I do think people need to know that one is one thing and one is the other...why you go making things so unified, like they are one....when they aren't.....come one now...teaching lies...teaching lies....stop it.
So...anyway...I watched a video today about someone's bad dream and they said the same thing like in mine and now I'm like ...uuuuuuhhhhh???? LOL, the part where "We need to get out of here NOW!' pops into it...yeah...it's really great...and I will also mention the one I saw yesterday about something else I will not share that left me a bit bewildered too...., but you're in luck before I run to go make some cookies...I'll share something today that's probably not awesome to you, but as always is awesome to me....give me a sec...
So there....in the fogginess of the mist, while the sounds have dimmed...although I know they still screech...it was only my plugged ears that silenced their calls...
He turned to me...finally. After all this time as He looked out into the fog, He turned.
What is it that is between us? So I asked, like a child confused..thinking I was messing up as usual.
He came up to me swiftly and knelt down to where I was sitting and gripped my face in His hands. Staring...how could you ever break away from those eyes...
"What is between us?" He asks....another question....always a question...
"Nothing." I said hesitantly..."Air?".... ugh, I'm such an idiot!!! I laugh about this now, can you tell...
"What...is between us?" He asks again while I forget my stupid answer.
"Nothing." I say more composed cause now He's serious and I feel like an oaf.
"Not even that." He whispers while still staring into me...
Yes, He is that awesome.
So in retrospect and lamen's terms....what is between Him and you? Whatever it may be....remove it. Not traditions, not duties, not values, not deeds, not prayers, not your stupidity, or mine, not anything, not even nothing. Why you go and think things are so hard?
STOP IT!!!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Tell me what you want to hear....
Yes...I am procrastinating.
Yes, I have a half finished Alice in Wonderland dress waiting for attention....not to mention the other 3 things that need made by Monday (Ha! yeah right, I'm on vacation starting tomorrow...even if I am at home)
And then there's these 2 people who want to order although I am closed to new orders until May....but you know how well people get back in touch with you...I kinda hope they go away, or wait till later in the month. I really could use the money, but if I sell anymore Alice dresses, that means I have to make more appliques, which only takes HOURS!....but I could probably draw them with my eyes closed, I've done made 7 sets.
and I don't even like Alice in Wonderland....but I'm glad that the gas and groceries were paid for last month because of those dresses.
Enough about sewing...ugh....
Nikon d7000....I still want...cause I have these visions in my head that need manifested...but I can't do them without a wide angle lens...and a remote, and well...a better camera than my piece o' crap kodak.
And I want to finish book 2 (yes, I know I only have 2 chapters left STILL!) but that sewing stuff unfortunately has priority since we already spent the money....(we gotta eat!) Not my fault the Alice in Wonderland dress takes 3 days to make or 4 if I don't have the appliques already made....and that's assuming I have time to work on it!!!
and yes....it could get finished tonight if I wasn't procrastinating on here.....and if my knee didn't start locking up while I'm standing in there sewing it up.
Okay enough griping....I'm rather happy actually...just kinda chillin' and hoping bank people get a move on, and this weekend turns out great and we don't spend any money from my camera fund.......
But, while I'm reminded of another...wtf moment... Passover starts this weekend...or Friday evening, I'm not sure, I have no clue on any of it really...but it is technically number 0 of the start date....I think there's like 50 days or something....
So remember the dream I had with the boy who had the timeline thing imprinted around his head....the start date on his forehead was 0 as well, it had the symbol to represent water (which in this dream was the huge wave that had hit the city he was in!)... if something gets clobbered by a tidal wave or tsunami or major flooding or something catastrophic involving water this weekend....I am going to freak!!!...but he was in school when it hit....so I guess I won't have to worry about it :)
I just heard something today involving the countdown for Passover and it began with 0...and it reminded me of the calendar thing on that boys head....idk, I'm just trying to make use of random strange dreams for the fun of it.
*Yawn...
I really really really do not want to go sew anything.....ugh.....but I have nothing else to talk about and it doesn't look like anything is coming to mind....boo.
The kids are watching Dirty Jobs on netflix, lol..... did you know that I adopted Mike Rowe as one of my uncles. I don't even know my real ones, so I guess I need to fill in the gaps....and there's a lot of gaps.
....I'm like super tired....and the coffee is not helping....
Maybe I can share something awesome...hmmmm....let me think (and get a refill, hang on, I be back..)
I'm back! I got me a brownie too
(which always taste better the day after you make them for some reason)...and I thought of something I could share, but I'm still really shy...even on here if you can believe it...but I am assuming no one has read this far since the first part of this post is long and boring...and I'm assuming that you won't read past this, so I won't feel all weird for people knowing some of my secret 'omg, I'll never be the same again' moments....
Forgive me if I get all lost and sound all weirded out... I promise you its how I really am once I feel confident you won't burn me at the stake. (and I'm sure there are many who still wish that upon me...but it's okay, I like me some bar-b-que...well, I did before I got all sick and shit)
Okay...here goes...
Once upon a time...there was this dog named Dravin (he got his name from the movie The Crow, main character 'Eric Dravin'). His adoptive parents were talking about getting a dog while eating at Ryan's steakhouse one day a really long time ago....and the waitress just happened to overhear them and got all excited and quickly mentioned she had some shepherd/lab mix pups to give away.... So they had went to Dravin's birth home and saw all the many 8 or so puppies who were excited of the new visitors....so the girl climbed over the baby gate (or in this case a puppy gate) and knelt down to all the happy puppies. Some decided to run outside the door with their momma, some climbed all over the girl, and Dravin and one of his siblings stood happily watching. Now, this girl said 'SIT' and Dravin already knew this word and he sat while all his siblings ignored her...and when he did that, the girl reached out to pet him. She told him he was a 'good boy'. He went home with them that day....his new mommy and daddy.
Dravin knew most of the silly words they were saying to him and he easily got many treats in the first day...many 'good boy' pets too. and bones...and toys too. Dravin was happy.....
One day, many years later, while they lived in a land far far away, he and his adopted brother Shiverbane often stayed in a fenced in area so they couldn't run amock through the neighborhood.....but Shiverbane, whom was kinda a nut, helped destroy the fence and they were able to roam the area...
But before Dravin knew it...they had roamed very far...and all the new scents and sounds would not allow them to find a way home....
So a whole month passed.....and Dravin was still lost. Shiverbane was lost and Dravin no longer knew where he was either.
His momma had prayed many times to find the dogs...for them to come home...but no such thing had happened....then one day, a month later...the momma had kinda done something that maybe wasn't the nicest thing.....she demanded that the dog be brought home the next day. Demanded....Demanded that the dogs should be brought home, at least Dravin. Outright, no holds bar...demanded....and yes, it was kinda ruthless and selfish and serious and not joking.....really more of an order type of demanding.
So morning came....the daddy got up early for work and kissed the momma goodbye and left. 10 minutes later daddy pulls up in the driveway, goes back inside and wakes the momma up...tells her to come here...
So momma gets up kinda grumpily thinking the daddy had hit a deer and he brought it home or something weird because the daddy often did strange guy things like that, especially at 6am in the morning....he opens the front door and tells her that he found something.
She looks...and Dravin is sitting in the front passenger seat...his tail wagging, tongue sticking out...it was the dog....Dufus (as her brother deemed him) ...the dog...
And the dog comes inside and is happy....all happiness. Daddy leaves for work or he's gonna be late....and momma sits on the living room floor with the dog.....trying desperately to figure out what the hell just happened.
Yes, there were many thank yous....but demanding something is not what anyone was ever taught to do....demanding something straight faced to God, from God, is not the norm....it is not something taken lightly and it is not something taken for granted...not ever...
Blow your mind, OMG moments rule. And when I figure them out I'll let you know.
Like that story? I do too.....but it still messes with me hard.
Every single occurrence, whether it be something in the physical world that blows my mind or something more spiritual...these things are not just coincidence...they are not just dreams or fantasies...when they alter your whole entire existence and transform it into something unworldly...and you live each day like those things just happened because they are supernatural and eternal and they become a part of you. Like the boss man becomes part of you too....
Sometimes I would get so confused and irritated when people say they got 'saved' on so-and-so date or whenever ....I did't get it...I did't understand how you were ever lost....why would you be lost? Do you think He would just forget about you and lose you?....but now I think, maybe you were not His to begin with and then He just adopted you...then you would get that miraculous 'saved' thing going for you afterwards...hmmm. So either I was His to begin with...or that christening thing when I was a baby really worked, lol. ...funny thing is that I knew who He was before I knew His name....what does that mean? For the longest freaking time I thought everyone knew what that feeling was, that 'other' something....but evidently not everyone has it......How freaking SAD is that!!!!? No wonder the world is bad.
And they don't teach this in school, or church, or home, or on tv, or anywhere!!!! How are people supposed to know anything without being able to recognize what's supposed to be inside of them. It doesn't even have anything to do with religion or society or the world at all.....just has to do with you and that voice inside and the rhythm of the song. Listen.
Sorry...I kinda rambled...
I'm gonna go learn a song on the keyboard....sewing can wait....life is short and this just made my day.....I can't help but feel all happy when I think of the most awesome person I know!
Much love bunnies. Don't choke on the eggs....those are for chicks.... and guineas too!!! I got me 4 guinea eggs!!! You know what's for breakfast in the morning! I hope they are good, considering the guineas have been munching on bugs and ticks the past few weeks. Yum....lol
Yes, I have a half finished Alice in Wonderland dress waiting for attention....not to mention the other 3 things that need made by Monday (Ha! yeah right, I'm on vacation starting tomorrow...even if I am at home)
And then there's these 2 people who want to order although I am closed to new orders until May....but you know how well people get back in touch with you...I kinda hope they go away, or wait till later in the month. I really could use the money, but if I sell anymore Alice dresses, that means I have to make more appliques, which only takes HOURS!....but I could probably draw them with my eyes closed, I've done made 7 sets.
and I don't even like Alice in Wonderland....but I'm glad that the gas and groceries were paid for last month because of those dresses.
Enough about sewing...ugh....
Nikon d7000....I still want...cause I have these visions in my head that need manifested...but I can't do them without a wide angle lens...and a remote, and well...a better camera than my piece o' crap kodak.
And I want to finish book 2 (yes, I know I only have 2 chapters left STILL!) but that sewing stuff unfortunately has priority since we already spent the money....(we gotta eat!) Not my fault the Alice in Wonderland dress takes 3 days to make or 4 if I don't have the appliques already made....and that's assuming I have time to work on it!!!
and yes....it could get finished tonight if I wasn't procrastinating on here.....and if my knee didn't start locking up while I'm standing in there sewing it up.
Okay enough griping....I'm rather happy actually...just kinda chillin' and hoping bank people get a move on, and this weekend turns out great and we don't spend any money from my camera fund.......
But, while I'm reminded of another...wtf moment... Passover starts this weekend...or Friday evening, I'm not sure, I have no clue on any of it really...but it is technically number 0 of the start date....I think there's like 50 days or something....
So remember the dream I had with the boy who had the timeline thing imprinted around his head....the start date on his forehead was 0 as well, it had the symbol to represent water (which in this dream was the huge wave that had hit the city he was in!)... if something gets clobbered by a tidal wave or tsunami or major flooding or something catastrophic involving water this weekend....I am going to freak!!!...but he was in school when it hit....so I guess I won't have to worry about it :)
I just heard something today involving the countdown for Passover and it began with 0...and it reminded me of the calendar thing on that boys head....idk, I'm just trying to make use of random strange dreams for the fun of it.
*Yawn...
I really really really do not want to go sew anything.....ugh.....but I have nothing else to talk about and it doesn't look like anything is coming to mind....boo.
The kids are watching Dirty Jobs on netflix, lol..... did you know that I adopted Mike Rowe as one of my uncles. I don't even know my real ones, so I guess I need to fill in the gaps....and there's a lot of gaps.
....I'm like super tired....and the coffee is not helping....
Maybe I can share something awesome...hmmmm....let me think (and get a refill, hang on, I be back..)
I'm back! I got me a brownie too
(which always taste better the day after you make them for some reason)...and I thought of something I could share, but I'm still really shy...even on here if you can believe it...but I am assuming no one has read this far since the first part of this post is long and boring...and I'm assuming that you won't read past this, so I won't feel all weird for people knowing some of my secret 'omg, I'll never be the same again' moments....
Forgive me if I get all lost and sound all weirded out... I promise you its how I really am once I feel confident you won't burn me at the stake. (and I'm sure there are many who still wish that upon me...but it's okay, I like me some bar-b-que...well, I did before I got all sick and shit)
Okay...here goes...
Once upon a time...there was this dog named Dravin (he got his name from the movie The Crow, main character 'Eric Dravin'). His adoptive parents were talking about getting a dog while eating at Ryan's steakhouse one day a really long time ago....and the waitress just happened to overhear them and got all excited and quickly mentioned she had some shepherd/lab mix pups to give away.... So they had went to Dravin's birth home and saw all the many 8 or so puppies who were excited of the new visitors....so the girl climbed over the baby gate (or in this case a puppy gate) and knelt down to all the happy puppies. Some decided to run outside the door with their momma, some climbed all over the girl, and Dravin and one of his siblings stood happily watching. Now, this girl said 'SIT' and Dravin already knew this word and he sat while all his siblings ignored her...and when he did that, the girl reached out to pet him. She told him he was a 'good boy'. He went home with them that day....his new mommy and daddy.
Dravin knew most of the silly words they were saying to him and he easily got many treats in the first day...many 'good boy' pets too. and bones...and toys too. Dravin was happy.....
One day, many years later, while they lived in a land far far away, he and his adopted brother Shiverbane often stayed in a fenced in area so they couldn't run amock through the neighborhood.....but Shiverbane, whom was kinda a nut, helped destroy the fence and they were able to roam the area...
But before Dravin knew it...they had roamed very far...and all the new scents and sounds would not allow them to find a way home....
So a whole month passed.....and Dravin was still lost. Shiverbane was lost and Dravin no longer knew where he was either.
His momma had prayed many times to find the dogs...for them to come home...but no such thing had happened....then one day, a month later...the momma had kinda done something that maybe wasn't the nicest thing.....she demanded that the dog be brought home the next day. Demanded....Demanded that the dogs should be brought home, at least Dravin. Outright, no holds bar...demanded....and yes, it was kinda ruthless and selfish and serious and not joking.....really more of an order type of demanding.
So morning came....the daddy got up early for work and kissed the momma goodbye and left. 10 minutes later daddy pulls up in the driveway, goes back inside and wakes the momma up...tells her to come here...
So momma gets up kinda grumpily thinking the daddy had hit a deer and he brought it home or something weird because the daddy often did strange guy things like that, especially at 6am in the morning....he opens the front door and tells her that he found something.
She looks...and Dravin is sitting in the front passenger seat...his tail wagging, tongue sticking out...it was the dog....Dufus (as her brother deemed him) ...the dog...
And the dog comes inside and is happy....all happiness. Daddy leaves for work or he's gonna be late....and momma sits on the living room floor with the dog.....trying desperately to figure out what the hell just happened.
Yes, there were many thank yous....but demanding something is not what anyone was ever taught to do....demanding something straight faced to God, from God, is not the norm....it is not something taken lightly and it is not something taken for granted...not ever...
Blow your mind, OMG moments rule. And when I figure them out I'll let you know.
Like that story? I do too.....but it still messes with me hard.
Every single occurrence, whether it be something in the physical world that blows my mind or something more spiritual...these things are not just coincidence...they are not just dreams or fantasies...when they alter your whole entire existence and transform it into something unworldly...and you live each day like those things just happened because they are supernatural and eternal and they become a part of you. Like the boss man becomes part of you too....
Sometimes I would get so confused and irritated when people say they got 'saved' on so-and-so date or whenever ....I did't get it...I did't understand how you were ever lost....why would you be lost? Do you think He would just forget about you and lose you?....but now I think, maybe you were not His to begin with and then He just adopted you...then you would get that miraculous 'saved' thing going for you afterwards...hmmm. So either I was His to begin with...or that christening thing when I was a baby really worked, lol. ...funny thing is that I knew who He was before I knew His name....what does that mean? For the longest freaking time I thought everyone knew what that feeling was, that 'other' something....but evidently not everyone has it......How freaking SAD is that!!!!? No wonder the world is bad.
And they don't teach this in school, or church, or home, or on tv, or anywhere!!!! How are people supposed to know anything without being able to recognize what's supposed to be inside of them. It doesn't even have anything to do with religion or society or the world at all.....just has to do with you and that voice inside and the rhythm of the song. Listen.
Sorry...I kinda rambled...
I'm gonna go learn a song on the keyboard....sewing can wait....life is short and this just made my day.....I can't help but feel all happy when I think of the most awesome person I know!
Much love bunnies. Don't choke on the eggs....those are for chicks.... and guineas too!!! I got me 4 guinea eggs!!! You know what's for breakfast in the morning! I hope they are good, considering the guineas have been munching on bugs and ticks the past few weeks. Yum....lol
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
You can't find what you're looking for if you are looking in the same place
All the things you said, all the things you said, running through my head, running through my head, running through my head.
Just like all the other numerous things that run through my head....curse this noise.
I'm so freaking tired of it all. I can't hear the only thing I want to hear because of all this other stuff.
So I'm outta here.
I'm going to disappear into the silence and do what He's doing.
Gonna plug my ears and just wait....and watch.
No use listening to any of them, even if they are right....
I'm sitting here with Him...and He is closing off the sounds He hears....and so am I.
Something moves in between all the clatter and chaos, I feel it. It approaches, but I am not afraid....it can't touch us while we are in the stillness....while we are in the void. Like stars.
I'm bothered by the fact that the ones who are right....still pace through the waves of sounds...they continue on....my sisters, my brothers....the ones that are here with me, although I cannot see them because of the fog. He has them working, while I sit here and wait...and watch.
Find Us. Come into the quiet space and out from the violent noise....We are waiting....but for what, I do not know.
I'm still gonna write, but I may be missing from my regular scheduled facebook visits and prompt email replies...and sparatically found by phone as well, and probably in person too....my body may be there, but that doesn't mean I am. I need a break.
Just like all the other numerous things that run through my head....curse this noise.
I'm so freaking tired of it all. I can't hear the only thing I want to hear because of all this other stuff.
So I'm outta here.
I'm going to disappear into the silence and do what He's doing.
Gonna plug my ears and just wait....and watch.
No use listening to any of them, even if they are right....
I'm sitting here with Him...and He is closing off the sounds He hears....and so am I.
Something moves in between all the clatter and chaos, I feel it. It approaches, but I am not afraid....it can't touch us while we are in the stillness....while we are in the void. Like stars.
I'm bothered by the fact that the ones who are right....still pace through the waves of sounds...they continue on....my sisters, my brothers....the ones that are here with me, although I cannot see them because of the fog. He has them working, while I sit here and wait...and watch.
Find Us. Come into the quiet space and out from the violent noise....We are waiting....but for what, I do not know.
I'm still gonna write, but I may be missing from my regular scheduled facebook visits and prompt email replies...and sparatically found by phone as well, and probably in person too....my body may be there, but that doesn't mean I am. I need a break.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat.
Well, I'm feeling all.....errrhmmmmgrrrfhpfthshhherrrmmmmmm....
What does that mean, you ask... I really don't know.
I'm a little disappointed in life. Disappointed that the world goes out of its way to get in my way. Aggravated that things I would love to do are only things I would love to do right NOW. Discouraged that even though I'm willing to do a kickass job at something, other forces seem to be against me..... and then I end up not caring...cause it's just me against the world....and no one else cares....so why should I bother...it's like being selfish to do something amazing, but it doesn't matter to anyone....at least not anyone you would be aware of.
But we all know that we should do amazing, regardless of anything....we should be selfish, we should be willing to do the improbable, we should be willing to sacrifice it all for that one amazing Voice.
Just really hard when not a single soul cares except you. And the only ones close enough to caring aren't even real.
I think its kinda of melodramatic when you type sentences and just watch the little curser line blink and blink and blink at the end. Like it means something other than 'this is where you are on the page'. Reminds me of life. When we are at the end....but what's next actually proves whether or not there is an end. Whatever.... I'm in no mood for any happy life lessons or religious fuck jobs or deep thoughtful ramblings.
It won't be long before we are all alone. The doors are closing and the shadows rise. We can go one way or the other....
no...not up or down...but forward or backward....and I don't mean literately.
Tired...like super tired....always....hate this.
I'm outta here....
What does that mean, you ask... I really don't know.
I'm a little disappointed in life. Disappointed that the world goes out of its way to get in my way. Aggravated that things I would love to do are only things I would love to do right NOW. Discouraged that even though I'm willing to do a kickass job at something, other forces seem to be against me..... and then I end up not caring...cause it's just me against the world....and no one else cares....so why should I bother...it's like being selfish to do something amazing, but it doesn't matter to anyone....at least not anyone you would be aware of.
But we all know that we should do amazing, regardless of anything....we should be selfish, we should be willing to do the improbable, we should be willing to sacrifice it all for that one amazing Voice.
Just really hard when not a single soul cares except you. And the only ones close enough to caring aren't even real.
I think its kinda of melodramatic when you type sentences and just watch the little curser line blink and blink and blink at the end. Like it means something other than 'this is where you are on the page'. Reminds me of life. When we are at the end....but what's next actually proves whether or not there is an end. Whatever.... I'm in no mood for any happy life lessons or religious fuck jobs or deep thoughtful ramblings.
It won't be long before we are all alone. The doors are closing and the shadows rise. We can go one way or the other....
no...not up or down...but forward or backward....and I don't mean literately.
Tired...like super tired....always....hate this.
I'm outta here....
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