..... can you see what I mean....

Omg.....It's SIGN LANGUAGE!!!
He's teaching me SIGN Language!

Again with the hand thing and holding my hand palm up. He then took His other hand and formed what I thought was the letter 'P' in sign language and set it on my palm then flipped it over upside down.... (well, it wasn't the letter 'p', I'm not sure what it was or what He meant??) Then after that He lifted the same hand up and wiggled His fingers moving His hand higher away from my palm. ...
He did this a few times so I would get what He was showing me...

Ok, so NO FREAKING CLUE what He was showing me...YET.
These things usually get answered within 48 hours most of the time....
I'm not talking about sign language as in hand signals literately....I'm talking being able to READ THE SIGNS! Like to notice when something is a sign and what it means.

Maybe it was the letter 'D' but laying on its side?......ugh....
How confusing confuzaling!!


"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman

Did I tell you?....

So I'm having this OMG moment(s) recently.
The boss man is so freaking cool....and let me tell you why....
Because sometime when He's trying to tell me something and I'm like.. "whaaaat???" all confusazled and such.... He simply just sends me the message another way.
Of course...simply saying it would suffice, but I think there's more to it than that....I'm pretty sure there's a lesson in His silence. Like there's something in that criss crossing hand thing...

And now....I'm super excited! Cause yes...the time is at hand, and we are going to have a fantastical time!
WheeEEEeeeeEEEE!!!

Did I tell you.... I went ahead and caused some 'holy crap, what did I just do?!' stress out event...
I take that back...I went and created quite a few stress out events. I'm on a roll I tell you.
Now if only I would remember to write such things down and remember to read my to-do list I wouldn't have to feel all 'holy crap, what did I just do?!' ish.
(I hope you can understand my writing...)
As I am now a night owl because hubby is on second and I get to stay home with kids for what seems like way longer than before....I like kids and all, but sometimes someone else being home lets me feel more relieved that I'm not the only one responsible...kwim?
So if I sound a bit loony, you are correct, lololololol!!!
I even think that's funny....gosh, I'm a dork.

So the boss man is awesome as always and that jumping off a cliff thing was way way overdue....so much so, that I'm ready to do it again, but from higher up..like tonight.
You should try it..I feel all achingly excited and looking at myself from a third person point of view, I'm like... "what is wrong with her?"...but inside I'm like "Look at what's right with Me!!!" WHEEEEeeeeEEEE, LOL.
I need a drink, lol.

Like coffee numbnuts..or grapejuice...mmmmm.

Did I tell you that the boss man is awesome?! Yes He is!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!

Did I also mention that I only have 6 orders left....(yeah, that really equals 12 items) but my sewing work tack board is looking bare! thank God!
And I have money in paypal, Thank God!
And Saturday is Christmas week #2, so we get to open something....assuming I wrap it, lol. I think I'll choose my mixing bowls and a sweater, because I've been dying to use them....and debating whether or not to give the kids their harmonicas or paddleballs....one makes noise...the other takes out eyes...and they were like all confuzaled that I had paddleballs to give away and wouldn't let them have them, lol....little do they know I have a set for them too...ugh, kids.

So .....lol.....you must think I'm crazy...and you are correct! Ha!
Crazy and bleeding joyful! Things are gonna be awesome! and you get to hear all about it here on my retarded stupid blog, haha!
I'm actually surprised anyone reads this at all...I'm so lame and boring, and stupid, and confuzaled about everything, I think it's all great though. Perfectly Imperfect...eh?
See that...eh?...we going all Canadian, lol....
No not really, I prefer Australian...
But I need $12K to get there and back...
And it won;t happen next year, because I already booked for somewhere else....hmmmm....and I want to complain a bit about a piece of that...
See..on the way back from this place we're going...instead of driving 10 hours straight home...we could go half way and hit up the beach for a day or 2....well, this half way point evidently is expensive... and doesn't have anywhere I can find with a kitchen and pool as well on the beach....
Now Myrtle Beach where we went the last 2 years has 40% off right now and I can get 3 days for $200...but this half way point is $400 for only 2 days without the pool :( without a kitchen in the room too :( ...I'm sorry, but I can't eat out like everyone else. Well, unless I want to feel all sick and shit.

Anyway....I'm like just wanting to go take pictures for some reason...lol...
It's like a freaking obsession!....oh hang on for a sec, brb...
mmmm...coffee...and a brownie too. ;)
What was I saying?...



Its and hour later and I HAD to come back to edit this real quick.....must tell you about the hand thing the boss man was doing/showed me...because it was freaking me out that I just figured out what He was saying! And then something else is freaking me out more and well...I'm freaking out!

So we were seated on our knees in this circular area....safe place but still dark outside...He takes hold of my hand and flips it over (palm up)
He's holding it with one to keep it there facing up and takes His other hand and with His finger He is tracing lines on my palm.....
My first thought was a clock, but then I thought a compass, then I just didn't know, I was confuzaled as I said before! Then He did it again more determined and then after making the lines He made a swirling motion (like a whirlwind in my palm)...
So I couldn't figure it out today until I was listening to something that was telling how the time is at hand... and it immediately reminded me of what He was tracing in my hand...and about it relating to a clock...time moving like a clock (yes, He was going clockwise!) ...and at hand....which freaked me out because I don't usually get immediate confirmations like this....
Then just a bit ago I saw something else that made absolute sense.....and I can't write about that tonight until I let it mingle in my brain a bit longer but it is freaky!
I'l share soon though, cause it is crazy weird!

A leap or maybe a falling out....

Do you know those times when you are ready to move on to something more filling than the mush....?
This is one of those times. One of those perplexing, scary, courage inducing moments when you are on the edge of the cliff and you want to leap off. Want to.
Not the normal need to, or have to, or should, could, would.....but the will. So much will to that even backing up to get a running start is much too long of a delay.

I explain this situation to be something like a child growing up...first the smooth easy milk, then the soft mushable foods, then more thicker foods of mashed potatoes and gravy, a little bit of spiciness to flavor your soul....some ground beef and some lasagna...and all those foods that are tasty and good...
But then there comes a time when it's fruit you want...a crisp apple...hard to bite into sometimes...sometimes hard to chew...but if you buy apples at Greenlife, you know that it tastes like an apple from heaven. (So much so to convince you never to buy apples other than 100% natural, non-gmo, organic...perfection!) There's no going back.
No going back, just like there's no going back to that mush of food you used to eat....because it is no longer filling for the work you are doing. The work you are preparing for. You need the meat, the spice.....the fruit.

And I am here. On this cliff and I am not going back....but forward.

And there was this time when there's Him up there...then Him over there...even Him right in front of your face.....and I find this at this time all farce. There's more....and I have yet to hold it in my hands....
I will not play this childish game any longer. He will not be there...not even in front of my face...No. I hear myself scream on the inside because I know there's more and I know He's more than what this unstable mind can understand...and I will thrust myself off this cliff in order to have Him fully...more fully. No fear. I will lose all to hold Him.....


There's so much more to say, so freaking much. I'm a bit annoyed by people complaining about how Black Friday shopping is silly. I went. I actually went out Thursday night as well as Friday and stood in line for a pretty long time in 2 different stores. (inside and outside!) People were nice, people were calm and pretty relaxed...I didn't see an issue. I got some great deals...and no, not that $10 savings some people lie to themselves about so they won't brave the crowds.....I'm talking 70% off some items.
I didn't buy a flat screen tv or something like a camera lens...(which would be awesome if Nikon ever put anything they make on sale) but they don't because they don't have to...But I made out with $500 worth of goods for less than $200. I bought my kids a few presents...I bought myself and family some clothes cause we needed some....(ok, so I probably don't, but I like clothes, lol) I bought presents for 2 kids whom I never met. Awesome ones at that, not some el cheapo dollar store plastic shit. But paying that el cheap price! :). Dishes for my kitchen! But I should have gotten 2 sets, because they are no longer on sale and they are $99!! I got them for $35, haha! And I have Kohl's cash to use on whatever sometimes next week...free money...sort of, lol.
I also bought the gerbil a new running ball. Yes, the gerbil. I got some dinky stupid stuff too, because we aren't doing the regular Christmas stuff like everyone else does.
We are doing the 4 weeks of christmas which include getting/giving presents one day each week until actual christmas day..... (and if you don't like that I type christmas with small letters sometimes, I don't care. You are uneducated if you think Jesus was actually born in December anyway...and even stupider to think His birth has anything to do with anything. It's His LIFE that ****ing matters! Get your priorities straight!)
I actually don't like christmas, I don't like setting up big green trees, and actually only let the kids put up the neon colored happy trees for festivity sake. I despise with a passion stockings, stupid!!!! I dislike the idea of what they did with Santa Claus...what a joke! I don't like how parents use santa claus as a reason to be good or make up some other lie so they don't have to take responsibility for their children. I do however like giving gifts, as I am fond of shopping. I don't care much for getting as much as I used to....as I buy myself stuff occasionally anyway (assuming it is on sale and I have a coupon, lol) anyway, it's just stuff. I prefer gifts like good health and fantastic dreams, or that one certain thing I'm waiting on...but those things come from the boss man....as do all perfect things....like fruit. Crisp filling perfect fruit....and especially that stuff that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that when leaping off cliffs that there is no such thing as falling... ;)

So today, I had to return a few things to the store that didn't fit my perfect child.... and I will tell you that people who shop the day after Black Friday are unfortunately missing out on all the good deals.....absolutely nothing was going for a good price today like yesterday!! $10 jeans I paid for to return were now $22 and that was the sale price....$25 shoes were now $45 and on sale...wtf?! And not to include the people this Saturday who complained and griped more that what I heard all day Thursday evening and Friday combined!
We waited in line at Target for about an hour Thursday night and didn't hear a single gripe!
However today at Kohls to find some jeans that fit my perfect child, this one lady was laying it on thick all over the store! (so the prices weren't that good anymore, but good gosh!) I felt sorry for the poor kid with her that was having to listen to it, because it was getting on my nerves.


So anyway....besides my great shopping trip and daring future in cliff diving with Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE....I have to sew tomorrow. And get packages packed and prepped for shipping. And who knows what else.
I need someone to come clean my oven too...so if you are not doing anything important, please stop by and bring an S.O.S. pad. I will feed you dairy free chocolate chip cookies.


I found this today....

It sorta sounds like how some people are waiting for god to come back.....always waiting.
One of the youtube people I watch had a bit of a freak out the other day....and is like super sure the boss man will be coming soon....maybe yeah...always maybe...but will it really be like everyone thinks? I'm not so sure. Yeah, always on the side of the fairy tale....always on the side of the dreamer and the joyful hope....but....
...there's work that needs done. There's a disease of loneliness, and hopelessness, and laziness, and a horde of unending lies that has this world turned into a swamp of filth.....
You want taken out? You want to be rescued and relieved from the job? You want to give up because it's just too hard, too difficult, just too many problems.....are you not strong enough to conquer this hate? Not strong enough to snuff out this evil?
Of course you're not....silly star....but He is....and if you get taken out you silly star.....you will leave the world in darkness. Have you no thought of those who will stumble? What about your job? Did you not tell the boss man to hire you and give you a job? You want to quit? Are you going back on your word? He has never gone back on His.....
Silly star.....He is your light....let Him shine. Screw the rest.

*sigh
Maybe...yeah, always maybe.

there was a song on the radio today... this one.....
U2's Sunday, Bloody Sunday
the part where they sing..."How long...how long how long must we sing this song?"
How long must we sing this song indeed? Of course we want to go home....but there's so much work to do....so much that needs fixed and set right, so much needing repaired...transmuted from hate to joy....
I just realized this song is really insightful....the lyrics...Sunday, Bloody Sunday....the irony.
Can you withstand the fire friends? Can you bear the cross? Him? Never give up friends. He will give you strength....and He will raise you up higher if you can just take that leap....

What is the leap, so you ask? (lol, can you tell I feel like writing today?) let us explore my thoughts this day....
This leap is often referred to as the letting go of everything you think you think and refusing it. Pushing it all away with force and only allowing the pure uncluttered truth to be allowed back in.
No more forgetting or re-remebering who He is.
Forcefully refusing your ideas and thoughts of who He is, what He is, and everything relating to such. Screaming on the inside because you know He's more than your thoughts and ideas. You know this because you once were held in His arms and saw His burning eyes, and heard His sweet voice, and every time He answered you it was a question to get you to answer yourself...and you know Him and who He is and knowing that He is not up there or over there and no He is not supposed to be right in front of your face or that belief of being in your heart bullshit....because you know Him and He is....
He is.....and He is the I. the I AM....
You can't see that part until you let go of every notion and thought you built before it. There is NO Him and Me, or Me and Him, NO NO NO NO NO!@!@! Not any freaking more, because I am not playing this childish game. I am not willing to spend another night with the thought of Him and Me or Me and Him....NO! Not even US, NOT EVEN US or OUR...NONONONONONONONONO!!!! It can only be I AM...I
I AM NOT PLAYING THIS GAME ANY LONGER.


Have you ever listened to Adrian Rodgers? He used to start some of his sayings with the word "Friends." and go on to tell you whatever he was talking about.....and I still here his voice when I think of saying something and saying friends in the beginning, lol.
I'm a nut, I know.
Anyway.....friends.....we are being taken away....but I don't think it's going to be what you think....

I told you....I'm not playing this game anymore....time is up....and we won't be the same all the time....not all dirt can be cleaned with a swiffer and broom....sometimes we need Mr. Clean too....
"Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Clean is stronger longer 'cause there's ultra power in it."....have you ever heard that commercial? It's from the early nineties I believe, lol....I wonder if I remembered it for this purpose only....
He's come to clean house......I pray you find yourself spotless.


I wonder if He would come clean my oven??

The fruits of stepping away from even your own truths

Do you realize how much I despise ufo type dreams?
Well, this last one wasn't horrible, as most of those ufo's looked handmade craft project type, so it didn't bother me so bad.....but.....
In this dream there was a bag of grapes that came down out of the sky and slowed down as they came down to me and I took hold of them....large cold juicy ready to eat grapes...with some very rather large dark purple ones in there too.
Why are there grapes coming from outer space? This is boggling my mind. Is this considered fruit from heaven, lol? No clue why this is making me feel all perplexed.
Also the fact that as I was waking up from this dream I was literately pulled awake and sat up as I awoke as if some electrical charge was like plugging me in. It was so crazy weird.
In the back of my mind, I was like 'rapture?', lol! But also thinking, no, it's not time for that yet. Gosh...but that's not all....So I was talking about the stars....and then these people I saw were talking about the stars...stars being taken away so they won't shine their light....ugh...this is weird stuff I get into, lol. Yay for 'crazy stupid doesn't mean anything and I can still function like a contributing member of society' crap.

Anyway....I'm feeling rushed, as it's past midnight.... (but not midnight earth time...as that's not till the 21st of Dec.) and there's errands that need ran tomorrow. Work stuff, food stuff, Thanksgiving stuff....but not in that order.
I'm going to keep trucking on and working, playing, planning, until that time comes where I don't have to do it...or until it's not so complicated/distracting/tiresome. Which will be sometime soon I hope.

I've discovered that once you find yourself somewhere on the path and think you are so much closer...you end up being so much more blinded...this reminds me of a mozaic puzzle....where there's tiny pictures that make up one huge one, but only if you step back. I find this coordinates rather closely with how people view certain aspects of their lives. They see this one picture and claim it is the entire truth, but in reality (actuality) it's only their own truth. What they see will be different from what others see....their own truths. But...we all know that all these put together create something much better, much larger, much more beautiful than only what we can see. If you ever want to see it to, I recommend you step back away from everything and just wait until your eyes can focus on the big picture. The whole truth...and not just your understanding/view of it.
Have you ever even put together one of those puzzles? I have one...it has tiny pictures of things like people, mules, cows, goats, clocks, feet, etc, etc, etc!!! Yes, they all are on there.....but when you step back away (from yourself and your little box).....the puzzle is a picture of a wolf. And I think most of us can agree on that.
Sad that He has to wait for everyone to take a step back from themselves and give up their own egos to see what things he has in store for us together. I think I'd rather have the entire truth than a few mules standing in a field....

What else to share?.....

My work list doesn't look too scary this evening....and I'm hopeful that I can handle the rest without stressing that certain items aren't finished yet. I'm caught in the struggle of hoping no one orders anything else so maybe for once I can take a relaxing break this December and do funner things than work. But on the other hand, being broke isn't all that cheerful and relaxing.
I have plans to move forward, to continue on, though sometimes I just see a huge mountain of impossibility in front of me. Not that that really matters, as I'm pretty positive and prefer to see the glass as a refreshing drink regardless of how full or empty it may be...and give thanks for it. But I wonder if what I would like to do is even worth the effort, the cost, the sanity. I have yet to crunch numbers and make a business plan. And then there's the other job....(hobby)...where I'm a newbie and have no clue on how to advertise, lol. As this one isn't an online gig like my other job....which I can totally handle. This one is in person....which is not my forte.
My very good friend probably has some good advice to share and all...but I haven't had a chance to chat with him lately. :( gosh, I miss him. Not quite as much as I miss the boss man when He is doing something besides tending to me, but you get the point. And my wonderful hubby just doesn't like giving business advice! Ugh.
If I could afford it I would totally call up Catherine from Cash and Joy....as she totally helped the last time I found myself in a 'I'm going to quit and burn this biz to the ground angry stage!'...she fixed it all better. I don't want to quit right now anyway...I just want to do more of what I want to do instead of tackling orders that everyone else wants.... dang money does that to you I guess.

I think I better go, I hear footsteps coming after me to steal me away from the computer. :( I want to talk, but I guess we'll have to plan out a time for me to come chat a little longer, or at least when its not so late, lol.



“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”

Tangled up in Virginia

Watched Tangled today......it was sad and sappy and happy and good...lol...yeah, and it was only my 4th time watching it, lol. God, what's wrong with me?! It's way too soon to be feeling all girly and crap, ugh!
Finally finished the fairy sets that needed done...yay! And tomorrow I need to tackle the circus set, but as of right now, that doesn't look too frightening.

RLet me send out a note of worthwhile forewarning.....FedEX is just as bad as the Post office! The post office wonderful job (NOT) speaks for itself...but when Fedex decides they don't want to do their entire job to deliver to your door, they have this thing where they drop your package off at the post office instead. (Like that helps!) So I have this package that accidentally got shipped to my old address.....to be delivered through fedex Monday....I call them to tell them I have a change of address and to not deliver it there...they say it is at that post office because they don't deliver, lol. So the post office will then send it back to Virginia where it will then get reshipped to me here....eventually with no way to track it, of course. Like my 3 lost books that are still lost in post office land. Perfect.
I will stick by the big brown trucks that say UPS!!! Fedex can go out of business along with the usps postal service! Then some people around here can start their own business that is not controlled by the federal government so maybe it will actually work right!
Well...that is until that healthcare law thing gets passed and companies can't afford it....oh wait...that's right...we're in Tennessee here...aren't we seceding or something.....yeah whatever, like that will ever happen!
Would that mean that if my mortgage company is in a non seceding state that I won't have to pay them anymore? Lol.

I'm going to work on my photoshoot set up tomorrow too. As I think the neighbor is gonna give me a few old pieces of wood to use for my wall hanging thingy. YAY! Photoshoot this weekend! Whoo!

Today...I think I heard 2 people talk about stars and burning.....the thing I wrote about the last 2 days....and this stuff freaks me out when it is exactly what I wrote....would this be considered 2 confirmations or 2 witnesses.....
I pretty much just take it as an 'omg' moment and get a little excited and such cause it's just another sign signalling that we're closer to where we want to be....I'm sure you know what I mean.

Lol....I hope you have seen Tangled....I just read something on facebook about how people give up on their dreams because of how others will feel or their own egos...and I kept remembering how Rapunzel started singing in the bar about 'I have a dream' and of course all the hooligans sang too and it makes me realize that having a dream is what most people really need. I often find that many people don't have one, they don't know, they don't care, they're not sure, they don't have time, they can't, or some other forsaken reason they created in order not to do what they love.....and I'm not sure why. they live day in and day out without aim or goal....without joy.
They will say they are happy....but happiness is not the same as joy. Happiness is brought on by happenstance. It can be taken away when the circumstances aren't in your favor......
But JOY.....no....if you have something that brings joy....it can't ever be lost. Of course, there's one main way to get joy....and that is to ask for it.... Ask Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE. Ask the boss man....ask Batman. And if you still have no clue who that one person is after reading my stupid blog posts....all three of them are the same person. You may know Him as Jesus... but He has many names.....I just happen to call Him a select few things, lol. He doesn't mind. I asked. ;)

Now the person I call 'my really good friend'....he is someone else. Maybe when I don't feel like I'm on the verge of insanity, I will tell you more about him.....but as of right now, I'm still shy when it comes to telling people about him. He's my very good friend....we'll leave it at that.
Of course, hubby is my friend too, but he gets bored of my spiritual thoughts...and assumes everything I say I read on facebook, lol. God love him.

So anyway.....I guess I need to get off here and prepare for some much needed sleep.
I would tell you about a dream I had, but I can't remember what it was about, I only remember waking up suddenly and glad I got out of it, but no clue as to what it was about...I guess that's good. :)

Nothing else that needs skimmed over for tonight...though I feel something big is going to happen soon....stay alert.

Talk to you all later, little gushy tenderloins of pickled french fries and jambalaya juice. Don't choke on that lion tart.

The disadvantages of having adhd (Alle Dagen Heel Druk)

I can't seem to find it.
That moment when you step away from the reactive pull towards idleness. I think I'm trapped.
I would do anything other than the one thing I should be doing....
Not that I don't want to do it...just that I can't find a reason to begin....

Once started it is quite easy to complete....but why is it so difficult to take that first step towards starting in the first place? I could even lie to myself and say I'll only do this one simple thing and not the rest....but I won't even do that....
I hate these times.
It's almost like the other times when I want to do 'this' thing, but won't, because of 'something'.
It's a freaking curse I tell you!
And on top of that I'm drowning in this hysteria of non decision making that is totally not working out very well. I feel like a freaking flip flopper! Argh! A double-minded idiot who just can't make up my mind...or to better describe, I just can't find the 100% mark to where I'm 100% sure. Lost in the fog, if you'd like.

Problem is I know how to fix this.... and I have yet to even handle that one simple action.

There's this burning desire to just fire up the rage inside and prove that it is just me getting in my own way. Prove that it can be done simply, perfectly, quickly, and without turmoil. But I feel myself just watching myself instead of being able to direct myself.... get that?


And there's this other thing lingering on my thoughts. Which I also know how to fix....but I can't find myself to make myself do it....hmmmm.

I will be away for awhile. And you may not find me.
I will be away for awhile. And you may not recognize me when I return.
I may be away for awhile. And fire will be pouring out, blazing raging furious lightning.....



We are alone. Each one of us. Each star, all alone.
There are other stars, true....many in fact....their light dazzling the skies every so often....then forgotten. Do we even know which one sent that light to us? We don't even know their names....only recognizing the light...but not the star...
A star all alone.
Do they all feel that way?

And I'm not talking about literal stars...not literal light... I'm talking about people...I'm talking about the beautiful gifts that come from them. The gift of the light...that part of us that is a part of Him.
Like you hear a song that grabs hold of you...that light. A picture that holds your eyes locked tightly to it....that light. A thought that carves deep to your soul...that light. It doesn't matter which star brought those perfect moments to you...it doesn't matter...the only thing you needed was that light.....that piece that holds Him somewhere within it.
Do you understand? Please understand.


I won't go there.....there where the others often lead. I won't go there....as I often think they hinder more than help. Here you will not find sweet milk and tummy rubs full of giggles. Here, there will be no remembrances of how this or that happened and it's happening to you now, oohs and ahhs....No. There will be not a single moment where you'll be pampered and felt sorry for. No, you will not be tread upon lightly....if you feel tread upon at all. There will be no mercy....no holding the baby's hand. No reassurances and baby steps, no 'it'll be okay''s, no whining toddler talk about how you must do this or that.... the milk has run dry...and it is a sad sad world in which others still give the bottle of lies to the infants who have never stood strong. Infants who couldn't recognize the light if it fell upon their lap. Infants and toddlers who can't hear His voice. ......The milk has run dry.... and you will starve unless you stand and chew the meat.

Can you not feel a thing?! Can no one feel a thing?! Does not your spirit feel this mighty quake?! Trembling trembling..... This great earthquake....this fire....???!!!
Where have you placed your soul my friends? Have you lost it? I won't be here much longer, I can't pull you out. I can't wake you up. I can't scream, I can't grab hold of you if you are not here. I can't come back for you either.
Please wake up.


Want to hear a story.... I may have posted this one before, but I really love it, so I'm going to post it again.


We were standing upon what looked like the salt flats that are out west. A blazing sky of orange and red that told of a new sunrise that was just about to sprout in the distance.
Where have these colors been? They looked new, young, vibrant, and alive. He took my hand and we began to dance. We danced...
He was wearing a suit. Nice, fitted, pristine... My dress was flowing, white, smooth, silent even as we danced.
We twirled on top of the white sands. The sky still blazing orange and red. A small streak of yellow cut forth upward from where the sun was rising...Was it rising in the west??
"Give me all of you, and I will give you all of me." He stated as we moved within each others arms.
I stopped and looked at him...his eyes.
"But you are...everything." I said quietly. Because he was, and I was nothing. I didn't think it was a fair trade....he would get the worse end of the deal. He slowed and gazed within me. "And what are you to me?"

Was I everything too? Everything to Him.
How little we realize.....
How much we forget.....


If you would like to read more of that stuff and those type stories....my deviantart journal is here....


Goodnight. Wherever the road leads...be sure to look into the forest for those whom are lost. No fun driving alone.


BTW.... Alle Dagen Heel Druk (adhd) means 'very busy every day' ;)

A rainbow of people.....burning like fire...in the dark

Abundance: and this is what He showed me. Pouring out from His hands...pouring out upon one another...abundance...abundance. All these gifts, too many to count...can we even see them all, the ones hidden beneath the ones toppling
“I come that you may have life, and have it more abundantly.”

Indeed.
I'm on the fence today. Partly lost in this ever growing consummation of the dream and the life. Walking tediously between being awake and being awake....not sure which is really the one I should be following after.
Then I'm still caught up upon the fence post dangling partly on the other side. Where you can see everything moving about day by day by day...and not wanting to see it. As perhaps it has no course, no aim, no final destination to lay its head.
Would you understand?

I was once brought into a dream. Where people wearing brightly cast clothing crowded inside this building across the way. So I, wearing something not quite comparing with them wanted to see and followed them into this huge building. This building that happened to be a massive church, or that's what I thought it was, but it was more like a theater auditorium like setting. People in the bright colors walked around finding their seats, as others up near the stage were preparing a display of what appeared to be the Jesus' crucifixion. There was a large wooden cross up on the stage and I looked closer and Jesus was on it. But not like the statue ones you really see in big churches, it was Him. And He knew I was looking at Him and He looked back at me and I kinda tensed because I was the one who wasn't supposed to be there. I was the one who didn't fit in, who didn't match and certainly wasn't invited into this place. He jumped down and started walking off the stage and turned up the aisle my way. ....yes, so I was freaking there a bit thinking I'm gonna get slaughtered for being in here! But I couldn't move...(of course not).
He kept coming closer and the people walking on the aisle way parted out of His way and were bowing and just kinda watching silently and me, who still couldn't move saw He was like super close now and I fell on my face. Yeah, like the 'holy shit I'm gonna get in trouble' kinda thing.
I was looking down at the floor, practically kissing it and He stopped in front of me. So yeah, my heart is frantically racing and I remember looking upwards sorta and could see His bloody dirty feet. It was kinda gross, yeah.
But He stood there and I eventually looked up and He was wanting me to stand up and come over next to Him at the back of the theater church place. So I did. He sat in a chair and started talking....I kept thinking that I need to remember what He's saying so I can take it back with me (I guess I knew it was a dream by then, or that I wouldn't be staying or something). Kept trying to hang on every word and memorize what all He was saying.
Everyone in the place who was wearing the bright colors just started gathering around Him and sat on the floor and listened. The people in the theater/church seats were turned around in there seats looking over the backs of their chairs also listening. It was weird.
I will say that I didn't remember a single thing of what He was talking about, but only that after I asked Him what I was supposed to do....I remember only that which He said. He said... "Whatever it is that divides the world between you." ....
Him and answering questions with questions.....why does He do that!!!? It drives me batty.
Anyway....that is the only thing I could remember He said.

So it's been a few years....I guess. And this memory splatters it's face lately and I'm not sure why. Wondering if dividing your own life is really what we are to do. These little answer questions usually aren't so difficult to understand, but somehow when I think I understand it never quite fits. Close though... Just not sure which part to divide...of course the right and wrong, the good and bad, the wheat and tares....the sheep and goats....but no...there's something more. The truth and the lie. And we are still waiting on the rest of the puzzle pieces.
Abundance. And what is this about? I understand what it means, but what now....work to be done, yes....pouring out.....like fire....like purification....but the whole world has grown cold and I am tired of being here.
One little star can't light the world....only the dark space where she's placed.

And I'm shining all alone...where are you brothers and sisters? Still hiding waiting for the end to come? Still mumbling beneath your breath because no one listens...still placing that lie across your face because the light feels like it's burning you from the inside out? It is burning you.....This is the second death.


Funny how writing puts things into perspective especially when you didn't intend to write of such matters....kinda like you yourself aren't the one writing it, but somehow it comes out that way....and you reread it and go 'wtf, that totally makes sense! I didn't think of it that way!' ...because I'm not sure I'm always the one writing anymore.
And I think when we divide ourselves apart...where we dispose of what is lie and we get rid of the what does not belong...and we embrace the part of us that has never forgotten....we find ourselves having come far past where the veil ends....and we find ourselves among the stars. And somehow this life here on earth no longer seems like 'life'. Just a dream caught in the ocean...the reflection of His light that emits from ourselves.....if only we would let it.
Open up....



I can't be here all day....so let us humor this so called life down here on earth where flesh mingles with insanity and chaos.....
I sent out like 7 packages today...still have a few more fairies to sew up and then to tackle a circus set that needs finished Friday. I would like to say that I will get this done, but my productivity levels come and go and that idea of 'I think I can, I think I can' is a load of bull. I can think I can and say I will all damn day but I guarantee you that the only way it will ever get done is if I do it!
Which I will, lol.
Positive thinking is a lie! Only action gets things done.....so I am gonna go to sleep, so tomorrow I can try again. Later bunnies of pumpkin pie.