A year for the dreams of pain

Well...I had another dream last night...it wasn't one fo those 'We have to leave right now!' dreams thankfully, but still...it was a bit ...how do I say it....odd.
I have strange dreams (don't we all) but this one was above average strange.




We were in a city, a modernized city, something more up to date than what you usually see (at least in Tennessee). Really fancy like, but not to the point of overly futuristic.
I was on the streets...no cars, just people walking. I don;t even think there were roads?? Anyway, suddenly everyone started to walk inside the nearest building to them....me included. Sort of like we knew we had to go inside because something was coming. No one ran or spoke, but in an amazingly orderly fashion we went to the closest building near us. (Almost like programed zombies...weird.)
I knew my family was at out apartment in another building, and I wasn't even concerned about them, I was sure they were safe.
When we filed into the building (me and the other people from the street) we went up to the highest level that we could get to. Everyone was standing around, but now they were talking trying to figure out what was happening.
Then we could hear the wind outside and there was bright flashing lightning (but no thunder) going on outside. Everyone started freaking out.
In this building there were these large roundish sculptures, I started to climb in behind them once everyone began running and screaming. The window above us was gone (not sure if it got busted out or what, I didn't hear it) but water was splashing into the room, sorta like rain, but it was splashing up from downward, not falling from the sky??
More people screamed and took cover. I knelt down inbetween the pieces of sculpture to stay safe from whatever was happening outside. ( I could no longer see from where I was, but I could still see the lightning flash)
There was a small group of people to my right who were crouched together crying. A single person to my left who was scared and shaking.
I squatted there calmly as I watched them...trying to figure out why they were so scared.....when I myself knew that I was safe and secure...and then I woke up.

I didn't wake up suddenly with my freak-out meter beeping (which would be serious cause for alarm) but still....it was too strange.
Now that I think back, maybe it was a flood...but it came too quickly, so perhaps a tsunami? No clue on the lightning with no sound, except it reminds me of the other dream with the lightning that formed from the red cloud things....sigh. It's impossible to analyze dreams, until after something happens, lol.
But we were in a new fancy city....I wonder if this means hubby will get that job and they'll relocate us to somewhere else...hmmm...near the beach...like Virginia....
I like the beach and I'm really glad we were safe...well, my family was safe and I was safe....and evidently I had more money than I do now, because I was wearing a fancy suit.
I wonder if I had a camera around my neck?? okay, there I go daydreaming now, lol.
No fun watching people scream and run for their lives...I feel sorry for them...that they do not have peace...they do not have security...they do not have sanctity and they do not know how to take rest....but are rather swallowed with fear. :(


So it's also new year's eve....what do you think of that? I think it's great and lame all at the same time, lol. But am very glad 2011 is over, cause it was ho-hum. I guess that means I'm ho-hum too. Oh well.
Looking back...let's see..what happened in 2011...
A bundle of people proved how far they are from their God.... found me some real winners right there.
Roller derby.... cool ass roller derby :) love! (but it's making me kinda broke)
Sewing work....I made more than last year....but now I hate it. Perfect! :) 'cause I want to be a photographer now.
Got a fancy CH/A unit...love! House is warm and electric bill is the same (not including that loan payment on the system though) love
Felt better this year since we stopped drinking the poisonous tap water and now pay double for spring water....love feeling better...but you'd think the tap would be safer than it is. Kinda really sad that people out there still use it to drink...or worse if they give it to their kids/babies/pets....even my plants die if I water them with the tap water....sad, and it makes me angry.
New truck, love...new truck payment...don't love.
Fancy embroidery machine, love...but no longer awesome.
My book 2 is almost finished, love....but it really needs about 5 more chapters and I don't have anything to add to make it longer, haha. (I will not do what Stephen King does and talk about stupid crap to fill up pages...STUPID!!!!)
I got my CCP, pretty cool...but really pointless if I don;t have my own thing to carry with me...duh...but that's what being poor does to you :)
I even got my tax id and a resell permit for my biz...but NOOOOO, I can't afford to buy the fabric in bulk to start out....and it is stupid to pay taxes if you make under $20K a year....stupid.
What else....I helped two wonderful kittens. I gave away stuff (and have more if someone wants to come pick it up) I worked for another boutique (like a real job!) I painted a desk (that tells the future!!!oooohhhhhhoooohhhh!!!) I learned a bit about astronomy. Taught the kids a bunch of cool stuff and neglected the dumb school stuff :)
Got a new mattress earlier this year and now I hate it....boo
I'm growing out my hair...boo.....BUT, only so long and then I'm going to dye it red for a photoshoot and then I'm going to cut it all off!!! Yay! :)
I have a pretty garden this year, but I am still finding it difficult to find a place to put the butterfly bush....ugh. It looks like a big weed and it needs sun, and everywhere but the center of my yard is shade, and I don;t want it in the center of my yard....boo
The people in my head are real....I have proof and confirmation... :)
I don;t think I had a visitation with the big guy this year that resorted to a freak-out...or maybe I did....they all feel like they happened just the other day....sigh.
I started this blog, haha....which freaked out a few certain people because I talked about South Park....whatever, lol. I think you're all funny.
Not sure what else....went to the beach, fun!
Black Friday shopping sucked ass this year since everyone else went out the day before....whatever people...you suck. I didn't even get anything good except a back-up sewing machine for when I kill mine.
I learned to make homemade cookies without milk. Yum
I read some books, cool.
I watched some movies, cool
Got some guineas....which are fine except the one female we ended up with makes a thousand times more noise than the others...yikes! and I thought roosters were bad!
Successfully taught the kids all the states, capitols, and bones...although I'm not sure how much they retained of it, lol. It's been awhile since we reviewed.




There's doorway, high atop the spanning hillside. through the door is where you'll find your rest. No rushing, no hurry. No fighting with time. Peace of joy and beginnings and endings.
You know you need to do something....you know something is wrong...when you are at the breakfast table..."Hurry up, quickly, finish, are you done yet?" During the schooltime hours..."hurry up, stay focused, get it done, quickly." Chores and tasks, ..."hurry up, come on! Grab that, this, now go." Dinner..."move, clean that up, wash your hands, sit down, hurry, now get done..."...the constant voice behind your lips that forces out something other than what your heart pleads. "Let's go, get in the car...move it! We need to go!" the rush...that struggle, the attempt to control time...to control your world, to control your life and your surroundings, to control those around you to have them fall into perfect alignment with the made up fantasy that you were raised to believe is real....
No....stop....step through the doorway. Nothing will ever be as you think it should be. everything is perfect as it is...it is you who needs to change...you who needs to let go....do not be afraid...He is there, within you, waiting, making you look up to the door, pleading for you to let go of everything...
but your heart is silenced, His voice is covered by the tension behind your lips....."quickly, now, hurry."
Stop...look, listen...feel......
You are missing so much...you could die tomorrow. You could die and you will have rushed getting there.
Scream out the control....Scream into the howling wind. Let it all go......

I would seriously recommend clearing your chakras!
Since I am ushering a new book recommendation each post for January (even though its not Jan. yet...) I can sadly say that all the supposed chakra books I have ever read are literately stupid! So your in luck...but if you want to go about the simple...'omg, that totally makes sense' version, I recommend watching the episode of Avatar:The Last Airbender (cartoon series!!) where Aang is hanging out with the guru and learning about how the chakras are and what you need to do to clear them...I am serious, the cartoon actually tells you more in one 20 minute episode than any book I have read about them......Go watch it! I think it's Book:Earth, chapter...: something or other...it's right before the day of Black Sun battle...
Just saying...it's pretty awesome. But the chakra things is wicked cool...but you need to be sure you take it further and involve God in it too...about that letting go thing....cause there is so much more to Him than what you taught yourself to believe ;)
Have fun with that.

Yikes, it's late, I gotta go write in my other book! (after I grab me a piece of cake!) Love you all, beautiful crystals upon the setting sun of rage and glory. ...

I forgot to give you your gift....
I found this on an angel's page (at least I'm going to call this person that...because there's something magical about them) -
Please go listen...it's rather beautiful...but I'm sad we all have forgotten what real magic is....
GO HERE--it is my gift to share with you....

Við skulum bera saman við sjávarföll á undying ást ... í hjarta konungs okkar
Google translate will help you figure that out, much love lightning bugs ;)

The gifts that are unseen....

There's things in every life that we overlook and forget the meaning of. Things and memories that seem insignificant until we are without them for a time.
Like the sun that breaks through the clouds after a week of dreary overcast days. We see the sun once again and our eyes light up to meet it. The rays that streak upon the trees and cast shadows across the ground. We remember the beauty and the warmth that it holds.
Like a child's laugh after a week of feeling not so well, we remember how things ought to be.
Why is that when we have these gifts....we continue to overlook them as something as the norm? Is not every beautiful thing, every amazing thing, every simple thing a gift?
Like the purring of your cat when you hold their body close to your ear. The rumble of its joyful life. Peace. Happiness that it shares with you. Is that also not a gift?
Or perhaps the way that african violets and miniture roses bring us joy when they bloom in the winter, and in the fall, and spring, and summer too? Mine do, they sit atop the shelf in my kitchen and share their joy by producing such colorful gifts each and every season unending...or in the case with the african violets they produce far more than I have room for....but I still appreciate their radical blooming strategies and get excited when I once again see even more buds poke up from underneath their circular leaves....
and my miniture rose bush that stretches out a vine as far as it can go, its tender vine leaning against the window, its leaves facing outward to the skies....and a tiny bud envelopes the end...the best gift it can bestow.


These gifts....so obvious, yet overlooked by so many.... I strive to not let my eyes fall away from seeing these gifts. Gifts given by Him who carried them to me.

Sometimes I wonder why. Why for whatever reason was I worthy of any of this....
I'm sure you haters out there think the same thing.
Sometimes we crawl back into the corner and throw stones at the mirror that reflects our image. We hate ourselves. We are faulty and it shows in our failures. We are nothing other than the dust that we trod upon. Worthless. Hopeless. Lost. Unloved, unthanked, unremembered, forgotten, and scolded.
Why would anyone think we fail on purpose? Do they think we go to the trouble of proving our worthlessness when all we ever wanted was a friend that wouldn't judge?

Then there's the other side of the mirror...not the one on the outside where we cast our stones...but the one on the inside. Here we know we are perfect and could only be considered as such so long as it also included our flaws. The flaws are what define and gives definition. Engraves our soul to see and hear and understand the words that He speaks.
This is Wabi Sabi....the finding of beauty in the mundane and ugly. Redefining who and what perfect is and just seeing it perfect just as it is. Like He sees us.

Its like seeing an old rusty car parked in the middle of a wheat field. The wheat is ready for harvest in the blazing orange sunset...the car is trapped by the grain, yet looks out from the field....it was once loved, but now forgotten....but is it? A bird makes its home within the fender and a family of mice live among the cushioned void of a back seat. Memories of a child pretending to drive a racecar echo from the steering wheel....beauty never ends, it never hides.
Those who can't see it only close their eyes to it...and forget...and refuse to see it wherever their hearts may refuse to look...because they don;t want to see beauty in anything else....they are caged..... and they cannot hear His voice tell them that the door is not locked, they only need to open it.


It's the end of the year....the challenges of a few weeks ago and beyond are long forgotten. Bills still follow at your heels just the same as the last year, they still plague those of us who will not pass up opportunity and say yes to experience and life.... I am guilty of this.
and I may possibly be guilty forever...because money will not dictate what I do or do not do.....it perhaps only delays it, but never says no..there is no 'no'. Only 'maybe later'...
The world revolved and evolved into a more hateful place and its people forgot who they were, forgot whose they were. People judged and condemned and withheld peace from one another. Animals died...children suffered...and not one thing you have to show for it....




There was no cure for cancer. World hunger did not cease. Peace became a fantasy. Trash still litters the streets outside. Families still struggle and are dying from the stress of not only the economy, but from forgetting the beauty. You haven't even spoken to your neighbor in months. Your friend just wants someone to talk to. Your children still hope oneday it will all get better....you keep telling yourself that....it will all be better one day...oneday.
Sorry.....but I must not silence my thoughts, I should not spare you the heat from the furnace....I will not. Cover your ears, but do not avert your eyes....Look for His face.

One day will never come if you don;t have it right now. Why just oneday....why not everyday...every single day.
You people keep saying you are waiting....waiting for Him to come back and save your pansy asses, to take you away from your work....away from your struggles....away...argh!
I think you need a high five...in the face...with a chair...or an iron...no wait, an anvil.
Save you??? really? He saved you the day He gave you eyes to see and ears to hear....but I am supposing you are still deaf and blind and dumb too...
I told you before that Heaven is not a place you will 'oneday' go.... it is a life you will live...and you don;t have to wait for it....just accept it..accept the gift....all the gifts He has already given you....
Screw all your hopeful dreams that you'll need to die first before things will get better...sorry....but things will get better the instant you see them as such...see than as His...see them with new eyes....
"Death is the stripping away of all that is not you. And discover, there is no death."

Oh well...enough of my rant...I don;t want to be mean. I love you all too much.
I'm just saying that everything is possible now, today. And a new year is beginning, even though I think the idea of 'new year's resolutions' utterly suck just as bad as the idea of christmas.
Point being that we shouldn't need a date to take a stand upon our own lives.....do or do not...as Yoda says. All there is is now.
And christmas ....do you really need a special day to give a gift...any gift....do you need that special date to call your family or say hello....ugh...stupid, stupid, stupid. All there is is now.... Did God only give gifts on christmas? Does that mean He doesn't do it any other day?...you suck if you don;t know what I mean. I'm not explaining to stupid people.
and YES, I call people stupid sometimes...heck even I do stupid things sometimes...but me and Him like to have good laughs about it. Geesh. Someone throw this box into the furnace...it's getting cold in here.
Back to the now in the real world....oh wait...I just watched the last Harry Potter movie the other night... (btw, I'm not really a Potter fan, I thought it was dumb) ...Anyway when Harry was in the the white train station near the end....the wizard guy said that "Just because it's in your head, doesn't mean it isn't real."...I had an OMG moment.... This counts as another living proof that the things in my head will manifest....see....I'm not crazy...the wizard guy said so. :P nah nah nah!!! Lol.

Ok, I might be a little crazy, but I can live with that ;)

In other odd happenings.... I'm gonna recommend a book for you all...and I am utterly sorry, but it is a Christian based book...but I'm reading it and only got to like the 4th chapter so far...but it's called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.
I kinda really like her blog, so I had to get the book and well....you should read it...or once I'm finished you can borrow it, just let me know.

I think maybe I should give you a book recommendation each blog post for January...what you think?...but you may not like some of them, haha!! I promise it won;t be those dumbass summer reading books they forced us to read in school (like 'The Old Man in the Sea' what a horrible stupid book that I will never make my kids have to suffer through!!!) and I'll leave off the weirded out book about sociology and brain patterns...because frankly, those were boring as shit and only really learned something useful the fourth page from the end...go figure. And I will guarantee there will be no Stephen King books....omg, I hate his writing style...I do not care about the cup on the table, where it came from, who made it, and the origin of the paints that are on the cup...the damn cup doesn't freakin matter!!! He must like to fill ten pages about the dumb cup when it has absolutely nothing to do with the story...STUPID!!!!!!!!ARGH!!! I wasted 3 days of my life attempting to read one of his books...never again! I'll stick to the movies...maybe..even those need help.

So...want to hear some good news......... me too, please share?
Oh...it's almost January, which means in about a month or two...we get income tax in...which means we get a large bill paid off.....which means that I can possibly maybe afford that Nikon D7000 with the 250mm lens....

And I wrote a list today regarding my work (sewing) ...and I will follow it rather closely, so if I come on here and complain that I hate sewing.... it's because I've failed at that task...
But I have a conference call with Catherine from Cash and Joy on the 4th and I'm sure she will be able to make sure I do not fail myself...I'm excited and skeered!!!Lol!

and the truck is messed up....hubby will be taking it to the dealer Tuesday after work (assuming it doesn't die before then) anyway, we have a warranty, so they should fix it up..we think it may be the coil pack...maybe he'll get a nice rental car..like a mustang or something awesome...
Bad news though is its $100 to have them fix it, regardless (but the coil pack is $100's of dollars) so not too bad, except, it would be nice if we had $100 extra laying around. And here we were thinking January was going to be better than December. HA! Yay, for contradictions and challenges that help me laugh into the face of realism. :) So we will end it on the thought that today is great...and tomorrow will be awesome...and the next day will be amazing...and the day after that will be stupendous! And so on.... :)

Smile, Jesus loves you.

Lol....I couldn't resist....I like to mess with you by saying stuff that I really mean but make you assume I don;t mean, but really do so you think I don;t, but do...kwim?

Attraversare il buio con una luce che non va mai fuori.
Google translate will help you figure that one out ;)

Chirping with the music....

Sooooo..... we all know stuff (as in things we want but don't really need) is hard to get and hard to keep and even harder trying to find a way to afford.... Similar to this......which is so gonna be mine in the future....I hope.




Why is it so hard to have something that really is nice?
It reminds me of my boots. My boots that I bought from buckle.com.....those boots that I absolutely LOVE!!!
I even woke up in the middle of the night to pick them up off the floor so our new puppy at the time wouldn't even have a chance to even think about looking at them the wrong way....those boots.
They were not cheap, though I do admit they were not the $250 ones I saw at Eddie Bauer...those were also awesome looking...but I compromised and bought these that were just as awesome for less than half the price.
Yes, it was more than we could afford. Yes, I didn't ask permission to buy them. I just did and the ups guy delivered them in 3 days.
I love my boots and they are awesome. I spent a pretty shiney couple hundred quarters on them too...and you do get what you pay for. = LOVE.
Unlike the mattress we bought that we cheaped out on and is not as comfortable as it should have been. Unlike the other pieces of cheap crap we ever bought and they turned out to be just that - crap.
And people wonder why I am set on a Nikon D7000 and not an old out of date cheapo Nikon D300 from the twilight zone of the past....or some other brand that promises a bunch of bull, I have reasons for wanting this one and much too long to write about....

And I get to do a photoshoot for an ad...and then I get do do a calendar photoshoot that I've been dying to bring into reality....
And I find this fascinating..because this new adventure is breaking me away from sewing...I hate sewing, other than things I want to sew. Like that cape for my photoshoot....DUH!
Anyway...I wanna go do great things...and I have to deal with what I got until I get that thing pictured above.
It would be nice to have rich friends or have someone buy me it with the 200mm lens kit.... so I can do even greater things quicker. But don;t give me money, because I would pay off bills...because unfortunately I am responsible most of the time...and I really would need to ask if I spent that much on something...just sayin.

But we live in the real world.....where no one helps a girl out. And I can't do it myself very fast....it takes time and planning and detailed explaining so when I can kinda sorta afford it, I will get to buy it on my own....but that won't make you look any better....just sayin'
but I can take your picture and photoshop the hell out of it and charge you a session fee and you will look better then....how's that sound?


Oh! Good news though....it's my turn coming up with catherine from Cash and Joy for the free hour consult....omg...I'm skeered.
Lol. Gotta talk business and stuff and I suck at that. I'm excited though.

And the things in the fog (assuming you read my last blog post) ...they are getting louder...what's the deal? I hope they will bring me a camera so I can take their picture and post it on facebook before I get eaten...or they die. Just sayin'
Things are so weirded out....but I feel we are on a lunch break right now or something....waiting.
And what's with the strange cloud things that have been popping up in the sky in Texas and Mexico?? They kinda look like those damn cloud circles I had the dream about...that were followed by the red spots that turned into a large silent storm and we had to get out of there....hmmm....


So anyway, let's talk about something useful....How about time and peace and thanksgiving....




I have a violin....I got it off of one of those Target daily deals for $50....and believe me it was awesome...and I like my violin except for the fact that it is cheapy (read above regarding that) but great for a on the moment splurge. Anyway... besides the fact that the violin how-to books teach you the hard way and not the easy way how to play, it;s rather fun playing with it.
You need to get the timing right to make the song song correct. You need to be peacefully calm when you play or the tension in your hand and arm will flow out from the strings harshly (unless you want it that way)....and you need to be thankful that it has only a few notes on it compared to a guitar....so it;s much easier to learn in that sense.
Similar to our lives....we need the correct timing to have things brought to perfection, for things to be set right or the right timing to make them right. Time to learn patience and to build our strength. Timing that we must wait upon....as it is not under our control....
I can't make the things in the fog rush out or flee...or tell them to do anything....them or us...we just have to wait.

Peace? Calmness? What is that? Oh wait...I remember....but for some reason I forget rather quickly when I think up the list of things that need done. Things that are waiting on me...things I can't just tend to right now....these things steal my peace....and they make you forget that peace and they make you forget Him. Forget that He is the only thing you should be listening to.
You know I have heard His voice...but once when He said "Stand up." ...It wasn't a suggestion.... obeying is life. Turn your ear towards His calling....not to your own, not to your brethren. Not to anything other than what He gives you at that moment. then you will know peace...and it will flow through you.
No more yelling or anxiety...or sorrow. Because the best you can do is serve Him...serve His people that He gave you.
and if others think that what you are doing is less than the best, ...tell them to try serving Him and see if what they do is better than what you are doing....He doesn't play favorites...(though He does laugh at some people) ;) namely me mostly..but still, just sayin'

Ok...and thanksgiving.... be thankful for what you have....at least the not cheapy crap that falls apart...lol.
I'm thankful for my boots and for the other unnumberable moments and people and situations that surround me. .. for it all really... except... hmmmmmm except nothing. I can;t even think of something so bad...that isn't good in some form... ticks and fleas and mosquitoes maybe...and poisonous bad things that may hurt people...that kinda stuff.

Gotta go, me tired.

So in an effort to say goodbye in a more random exciting fashion....

Ik zal schreeuwen met de huilende wind.

google translate will help you figure that out.... much love furry catydids of fury and wine.

A Warrior's Heart

There's a stand still. Motionless. Silent. Eyes open. Sword in hand.
All is quiet and still. Not even the wind survives. We stand ready. We are waiting.....but for what?




This is where I find myself. It feels odd and strange and somewhat needed. I stand alone, although I know there are others who stand with me. I cannot see them or hear them, but I know they are there. Perhaps that different plane of existence or something. I know they are there....I do not hope they are or assume they are...no, I am sure of it. We are all waiting for something, but He will not say.
We are not rushed or afraid. We stand like guards, although we know once it begins that we too will fight into battle.
Are we the front line? Where is our Lord?
Where is the enemy?
Out beyond us is nothing but barren land. Dry ground...devoid. A think fog covers the distance. It is silent, but deep inside you can feel the movements of what's coming. You can hear it's breath.
Our Lord comes by to keep us awake as we wait, though He has not spoken for quite some time. I do not ask Him to, as I know we are waiting and we must stay alert for the arrival of what is to come.
I ponder how long we must wait, as in human life terms, we all know it is a short time...and many days are lost while we patiently stand in the midst.
I'm sure we are accruing wisdom, along with patience and endurance in this time, but sometimes the watching is enough to make you forget that things do not run on our own time.
Inside I feel like I am not worthy to wear such armor. To carry this sword. To stand at this line. To stand among so many others who are far more worthy than me.
I have failed time upon time. Fallen again and again. Learned but then forgotten all that He has taught. Why does He think I can fight in this army? I am not afraid of the enemy, but only of failing Him.

It is strange....that we stand here without wanting to move from our guard. We want to stay and uphold the line. To wait and strike down any enemy that may come from the fog ahead. To serve Him without question or delay. We stand. And we will fight when the time comes.....and it is coming soon.

It's like a spiral...like when you have a string with a weight at the end...and you twirl it around your finger....the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes....
Have you seen what these times have wrought....? All of what has been destroyed? What has been built? The expansiveness of mankind at a rate like that of a racecar on the Audubon.



time is fast...and it comes swiftly. Let it not surprise you one day when you find that the sun no longer rises....but only the fog.
Fog of confusion and desolation. Of being lost. No longer yourself, but that which you must be so as to not get punished. Your words will be silenced....your hearts will be caged. You will know the pain of your existence and will be unable to break free. Fear will hold you captive...and so will your thoughts....

We are the front line. And we will hold the line...but only you can ask to join the army....You may not be placed with us...but He will place you just where you need to be...


that was....ummm...weird. I guess I should've put that on my other page...probably not this one, lol...You're really going to think I'm messed up now...hahaha!

Anyway...back to this dimension....but not really, as I have been finding it more and more and more and more difficult to stay here.... it's weird. Kinda like when you have one of those messed up dreams or visions....and you can't get it off your mind for one second and it stays there for weeks on end....and you think you will never have your regular life back...not that your regular life is all that appealing anyway.
Mine kinda sucks. Not bad...but...
Without a passionate goal to conquer (because we are waiting - see above) it just kinda feels like what you do throughout your average day is just like ho-hum... Like it all only matters for today, because tomorrow it won't.
Just yesterday I was cleaning around the house a bit and I just had the strangest thought pop into my head...it just felt like I was cleaning a hotel room. That I won't be here but for a little while, and it really doesn't matter if it is super clean or organized...because in just a little while it won't matter...it's all just borrowed stuff and soon, it won't even belong to you anymore.
I admit though, that kinda freaks me out....and excites me.
I'm kinda really anxious on the outside, but on the inside I'm like a little kid who's standing before a big present and gets to open it in about 5 minutes...standing there doing a little hop and clapping your hands together lightly so as not to make a scene....lol.
I'm awful....I know you have no clue as to what I'm talking about....and it's okay. It really is relieving to just write it down.

Anyway....I finished chapter 15 in my book last night....and oh my...the good part is starting, so that means instead of about 3 hours writing, I'll be doing it until sunrise...because you just can't stop when you are in the ZONE!! And it is the good part...and near the end...so I'm excited!!! And plus I get to spend more time with my characters, whom I love...yay!

I also want to say that I have stuff I should be doing....but I'm not....and I am willing to live with that choice.
I am literately on the verge of purging all that does not allow me to BE. So please bear with me if I seem harsh or really quiet at times. I'm just realigning my mojo and jamming the switch permanently into the ON position.
Just a friendly reminder (warning) :)

I'm gonna go have a bowl of Cherrios here in a sec, and then after that, I'm not sure...no promises...I'll be just wherever I find myself :)

.......and standing and waiting, with sword in hand.

Apples keep falling on my head.....

Freaking out a bit here....
Apples.....




I read this article today CLICK HERE...which I thought was kinda cool....because well, I had painted it back in June of this year....see










Which made me think of the other stuff I painted on this desk...which includes a lunar eclipse???big waves???a dragon too??, swinging star??...I'm kinda having a WTF moment...
See..the thing is most of the time I only get those WTF moments when I go back and read some of my deviant art journal posts from a long time ago...because I read them and realize I had written some of that just before something either amazing or life changing had occurred...and I even wrote that something was coming...so I tend to freak out a bit...but then I saw the apple thing and well...I think I am examining certain things a little more closely now...

This does not include the shit I just heard on youtube just the other day about the two moons people have been seeing in their dreams...because I had a dream like that too...and you can go back to my posts in either Sept or Oct. about those whacked dreams I had because I wrote that shit down...only because the ones I wake up from like that tend to have some sort of connection with reality....it's really messed up...

Anyway, I'm just sayin'....
I know things have been weird lately, even though nothing has actually happened....I still feel a strangeness. Idk.
So maybe if we get lucky...or all hell breaks loose...the people who say the Moon represents Jesus...means these two moon thingy's represent His second coming..that would be great, because I really don;t want to have to pay off my bills or worry about avoiding milk anymore....gonna go have that party and I'm gonna eat some banana pudding and caramel coated cupcakes and chocolate....milk chocolate. Lots of it.

But let's not get sucked into the hopeful and let's live for today!!!
Anyway...I was thinking about journeys.



and how we really never know where we are headed.
The truth is that it doesn't really matter where or when....just how. If we decide to be normal and play along with the game that everyone else seems to enjoy doing...or whether we decide to escape and walk outside the path. To unwrap ourselves fully and behold the treasures that were nicely tucked away under the barriers we placed before them....so no one would see who we are...no one would know who we are...no one could see us, feel us, or be able to hurt us....but is it really true that they couldn't hurt us...we had the barriers but still we hurt. Not only by others that we tried to hide from, but by ourselves as well from covering our lifeforce. Covering the light that shines within. We hurt ourselves...we hurt Him that gave us those treasures...we were ashamed of His gifts. Ashamed of someone seeing what we were born with.
Who taught us to do such things? To hide what He gave us? Was it society that said 'you are not good enough as you are therefore we will make you better'? Was it those who entered your life and told you that what you are is wrong, that you are not enough? Who was it? Who was it that said to be ashamed of yourself, to be ashamed of your gifts?
When you are ashamed of your treasures...and you hide them...and you refuse to let them out because you fear retribution....or scoffers...or haters....then you are ashamed of Him too....whether you realize it or not.
He revealed Himself and even with all the haters.....why do you fear to do the same? What are they gonna do to you?....
Nothing....because they are nothing....and they will not see His face on the Day of the Lord.

Yikes...really need to stop the rapture crap. But I'm just saying...

I don;t care who you are, I will tell you what I want to say. I will do whatever I want to do when I feel like doing it. I will do it even if I'm afraid. Even if no one else will. (Especially when no one else will) even if I don;t even want to....cause you got to set an example for your people..right?
Sometimes I get frustrated or pissed or sad or whatever...and the big man hears all about it without me having to worry about how I say it or whether or not I put 'dear Lord' at the beginning or 'amen' at the end...screw that shit....cause when you have to talk, you have to talk...Do you really think you can hide from Him like you do the world? Do you fear your own father?....That you're not good enough for Him either?....that you won;t say it right, or ask for something the right way...that you need to do something before he'll pay attention to you? WHAT!!??
See what society has done to you....they scarred you. See what sin has done....it has made you ashamed of Him....

But whatever....it's your life.
Have a nice day :)

so what if I have too much going on...

......simply put.
Things are really weird.

Gonna do this the easy way today....
http://shadowdragondreams.deviantart.com/journal/
yay for links! :)
and pictures...



Didn't have time to really do a good search for what I wanted...but just think if I had my good camera (Nikon D7000 + lenses, hint hint)...I'd be out taking pictures to go with whatever weirded out things I may write. Just so you know.

btw....I'm suffering from a bout of ADD...so if I come write something again later, just deal with it...and if I do nothing today, it'll be okay...and if I decide to do something that makes you go....'ooookkkkkaaaayyy???'.....it'll be fine, it's just the way I roll sometimes.

Lol....I just put bout and roll in the same sentence....derby practice is not until tomorrow...argh.
Argh?? Like a pirate...I think Johnny Depp played a really hot pirate except probably for the smell...but I still think he's kinda cute as Jack Sparrow.
And pirates usually have more money than me...and wouldn't that be great to have more money...being broke sucks. Not that I would buy anything except for a few Christmas gifts for the kids....sigh. Still...
still....being still would be awesome...like being not constantly moving, thinking, or doing.
That reminds me, I need to really go get schoolwork organized....yikes....that requires sitting in the same spot for at least 2 hours, so I am probably going to do that after I leave here...
School sucks. I remember school...and it sucked...I hope my kids realize how good they have it not having to get it seared in their heads that they have to meet so-and-so certain requirements to be or do anything. Nope, they can be them...and that is what is perfect. Perfect in their own eyes, not in that of their teachers or society. Well, except maybe for Jesus too...
Anywho....Jesus rocks.
Do you know it is kinda nice outside today....it would be really awesome if I had something to do outside, but I already finished the other outside stuff, so now I'm back inside delaying the task of schoolwork organizing.
I need coffee...gonna go now, but I may think about maybe possibly coming back later when I don;t have so much on my mind....and I want to thank Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE for smacking me upside the head this morning....
goodbye.

machines are for pimps

Today is Tuesday. Messed around with my embroidery machine and realize that every single embroidery place I searched on for awesome designs unfortunately only carries cutsie designs. Wow.
Now that is good if I wanted to do cutesy, but bad if I want to do awesome....see my dilemma?
Anyways, looking like I will have to learn to do my own digitizing...because the custom software that came with the machine is for infants who want to make circles or squares....not awesomeness...and I don;t want to pay for something I will only use maybe a handful of times or less.
Yay for education and learning.....ugh

The yudu machine is being stupid....I followed the directions to a T....and it is denying me the satisfaction of it actually working like the how-to video shows it working. BUT, me and my awesomeness is going to try it MY way....., then if all else fails, I have an ebay seller's account I can put to good use.

I've been finding that doing things the hard way really has been the best way...because when I try to make it easier for myself...it comes out not as good, not as awesome, and just plain sad....
It's like seeing awesome art on deviantart.com for free, then paying someone to make awesome art, but getting something worse than your two year old could draw.....very depressing.

It's like seeing Jesus, then waking up....and you realize nothing in this plane of existence will ever be enough again. Sad, it really is.
But, that's my life....and we all have to deal with it, lol.

Sooooo......went to camera club today too...and I am really wanting my Nikon D7000 right about now....because the door of opportunity is wide open, but I can't go through it because of lack of proper equipment. I want to hit something it is so frustrating.

Oh, and since we are dreaming about getting a nice camera.....hubby applied for a fancy conductor job....trainee pay is the same as he makes now, and besides the having to travel to the trainee place, it tops out at double what we make now....soooo....if we have to relocate it had better be near the beach.... He can do that, and I can open my shop....and go swimming every warm day of the year.... yeah... :)
I'll have good skin...and every hurricane we get to take a vacation, lol

Do you realize how expensive invisalign is?!
Just sayin'

I'm off to do a few more embroidery designs, then going to go write and finished chapter 14... *happy

No words of wisdom today except that the original Mayan calander end date was December 24th, 2011, but they had changed it in the 1980's to Dec 21, 2012....but don't expect anything cool to happen, it never does :(

Oh, and go hug a child today....you may be the only one who gave them a piece of joy....a piece of yourself.
Much love hoolagins full of dreamberry wine. Shade and Sweet Water.

Grrr..Yay...awww...boo...argh...hooray!

Today I sewed up a very cute princess dress with layers of ruffles and 4 princesses on the front.....
I did, yep, I sure did....but I'm a bit sad...because I didn't actually enjoy it. Nope, not really...
See, I didn't loathe it like I do with orders (mainly because I kept telling myself, I don't have to do this at all!) and not to mention I got it all done before dinner, and it turned out cute enough and it wasn't as hard as I remembered those types of dresses being....
But...I didn't enjoy it....and I don;t want to waste my time with things I don't enjoy....
I could have gotten something more pressing done because it's actually important, or I could have just took a nap.
I was also thinking that maybe I could get paid for it right away and my paypal would have some sort of $$ in it so we can pay for gas this week. too...but of course, the world is out to get me and the buyer is waiting until Friday.
Which is fine I guess...not awesome, but whatever. I am patient...enough.
I can't tell you how awfully sick I am of just fine or whatever....I want FUCKING AWESOME!!!! Is that so much to ask every now and then?
I know I'm probably one of the least deserving people on the planet, and that's fine and all....but shit. Can't I get a break. Hell far...what's bad is if I wasn't broke as shit, I'd be doing things for other people...but now I am starting to think that I should just give up and turn into an evil greedy person, so's at least I can enjoy a tiny piece of my labors....
Everyone else does.

And then I also start thinking...things like how they say 'you know who' is all you need....well, that's crap too. Yeah, you get that great foundation, but the issue is that He wants you to build on it...and unfortunately He doesn't give blueprints, provide the construction crew, materials, or funds, to do such endeavors. Which sucks. When you ask what He wants, He shrugs and smiles....ugh....why is He so difficult....just like a guy.
Anyway....so even though whatever you build will stand, the fact remains that you yourself will change and you can tear down and rebuild anytime you damn well please and that foundation will always be there to hold you up.
The hard part is knowing what you want to build....and then wanting to build it.

I built things before....but I must be honest....tearing them down is way more fun than building them, no matter how long they took....
Like a sand castle....you spend all sun scorched day building and moistening and carving out windows and doors and turrets....and when you are finished, you get a pic and then the inspiration hits to pretend to be King Kong or Godzilla or a deranged giant and you and the kids smash it to smithereens.....and you have more fun than building it... so after hours of labor.....the last 30 seconds were the greatest....
Yeah...good times.

hahahahaha!!!! I just thought of something....but shoot me if you think it's way too religious (I despise religion, get over it) ...anyway....I wonder if that's the way it is until Jesus comes back. You know...working your ass off for nothing, but then afterwards you find out it never mattered, but you get to have a party anyway.
Assuming you believe that. I don;t care what you believe...and I'm too contradictory to share what I believe.....because believing is one big fat joke....and the whole world fell for it. ...I get to sit here laughing at it...although it's no funner than falling for it, so I guess we are both screwed.
and the only cure is re releasing it all and starting over....but even that holds no joy except for being able to breath better until the next time you rely on your own thinking again.

As you can probably tell by now, I'm a bit irritated and sad and happy and passive tonight. I am sure it is quite confusing since I'm rambling about nothing in particular...

In the short version....I want to quit sewing. I want to take pictures, but I don;t have my Nikon D7000 and I don;t have clients. I don;t even want to talk to people sometimes, lol....I swear I am losing it thinking I could be a people person. oh, and I don;t want to have to drive somewhere to do a photoshoot all the time. I have kids, I have a long way to drive to get anywhere too. and I am poor. I guess I am screwed.

Now, back to being AWESOME....you know what...I just want to be wanted....everything else can go screw itself.


Want something happy? Me too, please share.
Oh wait....my piece o'crap kodak camera is not dead yet, which is good. Target has a guitar on sale for $33, which is good...oh wait...I want my camera to die and I really don;t need a guitar....damn it...
Happy....hmmm???? Lol... I know...today hubby acknowledged my adopted brothers.....even though they really aren't and I never met them... :) that makes me happy, that I can adopt pretend family members....and now my insanity has been acknowledged and therefore it MUST be true!!!
Yay!!

Funny though that I have a handful of adopted uncles and brothers, but no girls...lol, unless you count derby sisters, but I know them, lol. Oh wait, I'm adopting 9Nania from youtube, because she's a nut like me. I think that's all...so far.
I think I might go to bed early...or go write a bit in my book since I'm almost done with chapter 14. Though I am afraid book 2 just might end at like chapter 20 instead of the hopeful 30...hmmm, oh well. Can't mess up the story line now that it's already been embedded in my brain...and so has parts of book 3, lol. No putting things in as fillers...because the more I get written out the more room I have in my head...and its getting quite stuffy in here.

Tomorrow I must get schoolwork reorganized for next semester. Maybe cut out some snowmen designs. Roller derby after dinner. Really need to give Coraline a bath too. Have to do a Glock logo with the embroidery machine and possibly get two other logos prepared as well.
And then just house cleaning if I happen to remember. ;)

I'm outta here. I'll come back to write more when I actually have something useful to share or say, or not...or whatever...it had better be more awesome than this shit. Sorry for the wasted time. :P

Yeah...let's spread some weeds, lol!!! Maybe I should've used a better analogy :)

Soooo....in a rather serious attempt to waste time...look where I find myself, lol...writing this stupid blog post. Ain't it lovely?
See, here's the thing. I could be in that other room sewing together a dress top with smurfs on it, but if I do that I will do it for too long and by the time 9pm gets here I will not stop to go do what I want to do (which is work on book2). So if I just dilly dally until 9pm, I then can just go write at that time. If I sew, I kinda keep telling myself, that I could do just a little more, just a little more, one more ruffle, one more seam...and well, then it's 11pm and I won;t have time to write...so see... spending time here works although it is very nonproductive.
And doesn't make any money like that smurf dress would, lol.
Yeah, it's kinda like shooting myself in the foot...oh well. If I get to write it makes me more happier and gets me to the next chapter....and eventually to the end of the book. Then I can get started on book3, haha!

I could always go play with moondough with the kiddo too...and I may, or go start writing now, but what fun would that be if I didn't get to write a blog post about my boring existence, lol.

I found something last night. Not that it was lost...just forgotten about...and I technically refound it, or rerealized it. I'm not sure what keeps making me forget or 'lose' it though. Ugh, I need to rework my schedule or something so I won;t keep forgetting....and I'm working on that.
Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE said that routines kill your soul and turn you away from peace and freedom...so I'm taking it that my morning coffee and internet browsing is going to come to a swift end starting tomorrow. That means that schoolwork will get started sooner, and maybe I can get the house cleaned in totality instead of parts of it each day..and by the time the last part gets cleaned the first is dirty again...lol. And as for sewing work....hmmmm... I have fortunately came to the conclusion that I don;t have to work on it until I want to. Luckily sometimes I really want too...especially at 12am when I need to go to bed, but unfortunately I usually choose to go to bed because my sewing machine is loud....and I'd hate to keep hubby up since he gets up at 5:30am...And my orders are finished...and I'm not obligated to make anything...this is nice, I really hope and pray I can keep from burying myself in the grave of obligation...I think I will go draw out a plan for that....because actually putting it on paper at least 10 times seems to work for the most part. Or posting it in large black letters right in front of my face so I can remember, lol. Yes, I have an issue with attention deficits, lol! It's called being an artist of too much...I get scatterbrained sometimes.....deal with it, I do ;)

Anyways...what do you want to learn about today?
That thing I lost.....it's not a thing, but a truth that seems to hide from me...about the fact that God is not up there or out there or that way, or somewhere else...nope....
But, you already know that...and I do too...but I think all these other things get in the way and make me forget that...not really forget, but see it a different way than what it truely is....
I wonder if other people are so distracted by things in life that they lost sight of that too? Maybe they can't remember...maybe they never knew...
You know He isn't anywhere where you are not...He's inside...always..carried along in your being....possibly hidden away under our own ideals, and rules, and regulations, and troubles, and goals, and plans, and gripes, and things that only we have covered Him with...
Then we start to think of Him as being not IN us, but somewhere else...and so people search elsewhere...to the skies...to their teachers...to their churches...to their books....
You can learn about Him out there in the world...but you can never know Him like that. You'll need to dig Him out from underneath your own pile of crap you keep labeling Him with. Rules you keep burying Him with. Issues you keep judging Him with. You'll never find Him looking on the outside, you'll never know Him until you free Him from the prison you built on the inside.

Yeah, lame, sorry...I really should delete it and make it more appealing, haha...but I'm too lazy and only have 30 more minutes to explain....
How do you free Him, you ask? (yeah, you probably didn't ask, but I will tell anyway)
By letting it all go! Easy!
Letting all what you were taught about Him go, poof! Away with the wind, wheeeee! Everything you ever read and believed, Poof! Gone like a leaf in the raging river! All what you felt, thought, spoke about, heard, brought up to believe, or forced to listen to.... PooF Gone, let it float away from your mind like blowing a dandelion puffball in the wind! Gone forever...wheeee! Goodbye. Say goodbye to all your lame, stupid, made up, foolish thoughts, because they are not as good as the ones He will teach you! Goodbye lovely things you thought you knew, goodbye, things I thought I understood....and say goodbye to what you think of Him. What you think of His father. Let go of Him too. All your ideas about Him...poof. (yeah, it is scary, but I promise you it will be okay..better than okay) Let your thoughts of Him go.....do not rely on your own understanding.....let your understanding go....poof, goodbye sweet Jesus.
I am really assuming that was hard for you and you didn't do it, because it takes much faith to attempt really doing that.....
But after you are sitting in the silence....watching all your own burdensome thoughts and ideas, and preformed illusions disappear...and even watching Him fade away into nothing....in that silence
You will find Him there....there where you always were...there where you once were when you were a child. You will remember...and you will know that what you let go of was nothing compared to what you have now.
And He will lift you up...and He will show you who He is truly...not what the world taught you...no...He will teach you....as only He should.

Wheeee!!! That was fun, huh?!
It's kinda like clearing your chakras, but better, lol. But ooohh...that's bad, huh? Nope, just another stupid judgement you just layered on top of your pile of shit ideals.

Well, the kiddo wants to see if Star Wars cd-rom games will work on the computer...so I guess I gotta go.

Tomorrow I'm going to sew up some smurfs, paint some Link, and do a photoshoot for camera club. I think I'm going to choose the color white! (we get to choose a color to accentuate on...and I have 2 yards of white fur, heehee)
Oh, and roller derby..yep, gonna go a skatin'

Yeah, I know you all think I'm crazy...it's okay, I think you're crazy too. :)

stupid...don't bother reading...

Yikes, yikes yikes!!!!
I kinda want to go be a recluse for at least a whole week. Is that so much to ask?
I have some things to work on-- when I feel like it (and for the fact I hope to get paid afterwards...and we are broke as shit and NEED the money) and that is fine, because they really look fun to make....no problem, except I have a few people asking for other items...and well, I am closed!!! ARGH!!
I hate telling people NO. (especially when we have less than $6 in the bank) but I need time to recuperate....hell, I still have one shirt to make anyway that has already been paid...not that it's hard, but I don't want to add more crap to my list. December supposed to be free from doing other people's stuff and solely for family and home....ugh...
Nothing ever freaking works out. I hate this.

I could like not answer emails or something, but the other special sets I will be posting, so 'they' know I am online...shit.
I NEED an escape plan!!!!

I could just say no too....but...
argh...I guess I have to. It's the only way....and once I get some practice saying it....it'll start coming naturally, right?? Right??!
Or I can keep doing what I've been doing and end up like this and being trapped in an unhappy predicament....like always...

Off the subject...Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE said to ....well, I can repeat what he said, so I'll just say that saying NO is on my priority list now. Sorry people who want to order stuff and give me your money...sorry but NO, go find someone else....I can't get stuck here again. I'm moving on....
...and I'd be moving a whole lot faster if I had a new camera.....that fancy camera that did not go on sale anywhere in the US of A on Black Friday..... and is still too expensive for me to even layaway... ugh.

In my current emotional mood...I'll probably never get it...and I'll just give up and say ....I'll say what Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE said...and just live my life out as no one and nothing..... Nothing besides a mom and wife....which isn't bad at all....but still...
Have you ever thought you were more than what you have become (yeah, like lion king, lol)?

anyway, it doesn't matter. What I make/sell doesn't matter. How many bills we have doesn't matter. This blog doesn't matter either. The dirty dishes...the fancy embroidery machine over there...this computer...none of it has ever mattered.
The only piece of existence that my poor soul has ever affected is in the hearts of the two kids that live with me...and the heart of the one who lives for me....and that's enough....and hubby too.
...and my pretend people too.....
I suck...and am nothing other than them....


Or we can play the ruthless emotion....I can do and become whatever the hell I want....but I have to want to....and well....today I don;t want to. I don;t want to do anything. I don;t want to have that cute shop village when I'm 50. I don;t want to produce humility in the minds of people with theater production when I'm 40. I don't want to put ever photographer out of business within 50 miles when I'm 37. I don't want to pay off all my bills and finish the damn house when I'm 32....(okay yeah, I still kinda want that) but right now I don;t want to be something or do something other than what I want. Screw what I should be doing...just screw it.


We are dying on the inside.....we are all dying on the inside...like a crucifixion. And we are slowly killing ourselves....slowly bleeding away our energy to do things we think we should be doing....when what we really should be doing is what we want to be doing anyway.
make sense?


it doesn't matter.....ugh...I gotta go..I'm rambling about something I can't explain and really don;t care to, lol. God bless chipper-eyed daisies of romance.