Storybooks, are full of fairytales....

Why does it take all day to clean my sewing room?
It's better, but I still have a pile of Christmas fabric stacked in the middle of the floor.....and now I am thinking I don;t like hanging on to fabric that may not even be used up because no one orders a custom...... thinking I should use up the leftovers and just do samples and just maybe if someone wants a custom set, then I could order more instead of being stuck with fabric and not sell any customs...kwim?
Of course, lately, they are selling out of some prints already...so I couldn't do customs anyway...then again, I hate doing customs too....really, what do I have to lose? I'll give it another day and then decide...as I am not thrilled with customs anyhow, and next year I plan on not doing any at all.....soooo.... I'm not real sure what I am waiting for...
Well, crud, I just talked myself into it, lol.

Now I have a real dilemma with trying to get some matching shirts ready to pair up with everything...as also in my sewing room I have 57 YES 57!!! skirts already premade and ready to go, and a few more I need to add some fur to, and even have some more in the sewing phase. My oh my! I don;t even have enough hangers or a big enough place to hang them all!! But I bet it would all look so pretty if I just hung them up, lol!
But I need some shirts sewn up with some appliques that are already cut out and ready to sew together (yay!!) but guess who gets to sew them all....yeah, that's right...moi...and I don;t want to. I need to find someone to sew some up for me, but alas! It;s just about October and I don;t have time to fool around...boo

Anyway, besides my sewing issues...tomorrow we are going hiking, though for the sake of keeping the kids from whining, we are going on a photoshoot, lol. They don;t like hiking much lately, but are fine with a photoshoot...haha...
Of course, I can't wait till the leaves change color to get some really good ones...and I can't wait to get a bodaciously cool camera and lens to take even better ones.

Anyway....I am very frustrated that I can't find super awesome fabric that would work for my other business idea...so I probably won;t get it done...boo hiss!!

What are we gonna talk about today beside boring 'this is my life situation' stuff...hmmm...how about money...oh wait, I don;t have any of that, so I know not much about it, lol. How about music...I like that and have bunches of songs stashed on my itunes... music is great, but I still do not prefer rap, death metal, or overly country, or christian music, sorry. I will listen to the oldies all day or even some corny kids songs, but the others lack in something....
It's kinda like seeing something wonderful and then seeing something ho hum....then someone comes along and says something about the ho hum thing being beautiful, when you already know there is something even better out there. Not saying the ho hum isn't beautiful, but knowing that the wonderful thing is beyond explanation. And I'm not talking about opinions, because in general all things hold their own beauty..I'm talking about more inner spiritual things....
Knowing that there is something better than the expanse before you...knowing that there are places that once you've been there, that anything you could see here in this world is all ho hum....and mortal. And the people you meet or know....knowing that how they are now is just ho hum to the beautiful beings they will be. And they may be different or separate or something other than yourself now....but there...in that existence... they are one with you, they are all your family, they are all His too....
Get out of your box...you don;t have to be 'there' to live like you are a part of it. Bring it forth...bring your heaven inside and carry it around...and give freely.... or shut the lid on your box, no one wants to be a part of those who hold nothing dear....greed will not get you there...not even the greed of heaven itself....

I'm sorry..... don't get lost... there's only one thing to know.... and hopefully you know who He is already. You don;t need anything else.... We promise.

Clouds will rage and storms will race in, but you will be safe, in my arms......rains will pour down, waves will crash around, but you will be safe, in my arms.....

Bittersweet blah blah blah

...muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart.....


A change for the day...I got more than usually accomplished except for school, lol. Oh well, there's always tomorrow...but then again, today is not over yet :)...not for school though, I have writing to do, cause I read some little facebook status that had something to do with putting your dreams on hold because there is something you 'have' to do first...and well, I believe in screwing the 'have to do' and hunt after the 'want to do'.....because really now, I'm at the point where what I want to do is so beyond awesome, that Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE says that whatever I love, is what He loves....and We need to pursue it...as love is the creation of all dreams....sooooo...

And...since we are on facebook status thoughts, I had read another just a few minutes ago regarding going to sleep to dream of the one who dreams about you. I wonder if it is like that at all, that someone somewhere on earth (or not, or another dimension, whatnot) shares the same connection that is put off as imagination here in the real world...hmmm...and I also wonder if you love someone enough, that that resonating frequency could actually create them??maybe, yes, no?
And since we are on the asking out-there questions.....let me ask another....
If humankind all have a similar goal to accomplish, that they themselves would accomplish it eventually because of the shared vision/frequency (for example: in the old days that men believed they would fly, and eventually it became so, same as going to the moon, that it was manifested into reality, and many other examples...and so on) so in fact if that statement was true that men could manifest all their desires, it would then be true that we are our own little gods, but not only that but it would then be deemed that in a mass vision that people believe in a higher being like God, that it in fact it would make it true because we would have manifested it (Him) into being. So yes, you can prove God is real :)
Not that I actual believe that, but if you want to turn an scientific atheist into a believer...I guess that at least would plant a seed of some sort, right? lol.

Oh well, there's a rambling for today...and so far nothing has came of my irritating dream. I need to go do that deviant entry now...been bothering me all day that I needed to get it out...see you Cadillac maestros later. Go make some beautiful music with the sounds of engine degreaser and ...

I wish nothing but the best for you too....don't forget me, I think, I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.....

Of dreams and blood.....

Well...what has happened...yesterday hubby sliced his finger open, yippee. So I doctored him up, though stitches would be better, that lack of health care keeps one from jumping on the bandwagon to go to the hellhole of financial disaster called the hospital. So long as he keeps it clean, and watches for any infection, he should be fine. Otherwise a cheapy (yeah, right) visit to the clinic will have to take place.

I still have one cute little kitty to find a home.....he's a sweetheart and loves people and kids!!

I had one of those dreams last night too....yeah,the kind you wake up from feeling tense and anxious....the ones that prelude some sort of real life disturbance.....ugh, I hate those dreams. Had them quite a few times in the past, and every single time I wake up from one, they represent something, so I'm trying to be prepared for some whacked phone call, or some bad news in the mail, or something else I don;t like, that may have some comparison to my dream. I hate it. Bad enough that it was at 7:47 that I woke up (or shall I say was woken up)
747 is one of those numbers that follow me around (both 747 and 454) but 747 also represents the number of times that Jesus is referred to as Lord in the New Testament, lol. Yay, for random facts! Anyway...no idea what 454 represents.

So this dream sucked! I will tell some of it though whatever was in it doesn't always compare exactly to whatever may or may not happen.....
My family and I were visiting somebody's house, like a party or group thing, since there were many other people there...I can;t remember the first half, but it ended up that we were star gazing at night. There ended up being two moons in the sky, that at first no one but me saw them, but then everyone did. It was really cool actually, but then they started moving very quickly (or more like the earth turned very quickly) and they both veered to the right rapidly. Then the sun rose just to the left of where the moons were. (in my dream I thought the sun was in the west??, but maybe it was the east), and we were all thinking that it was weird because it was now morning already, but then it started going upward rapidly as well, and we all thought it was cool. Everyone was in awe really.
Then a plane (airliner) was coming over us and looking up there was something ahead of it (like a UFO) and I pointed up telling everyone to look (since no one ever believes me when I really see a ufo!) they saw it though and it curved and crashed down behind the house. At that time all those people started rushing back to the house to go and search for it, I decided not to as I was now not thinking it was so cool and was planning on leaving. So I grabbed the kids and everyone else I could manage to get to leave with me, and me and hubby ran back into the house to grab our bags(they were packed??but it wasn't our house??idk) and when we went on the porch, there were people there chanting at the windows and crap but we ran in to get our stuff and as we were backing out of the driveway and starting up the road, people in the house started screaming?? (at that time I thought a little alien dude or whatever they found was freaking them out or something) but we didn't stop and drove away quickly, just then I was woken up...(still with that type of impending better get out of here feeling) UGH! I hate dreams like that! Now hate is a strong word, but the last few times I had dreams I was 'woken up from' weird things happen and I don't like it!

Today is cloudy and windy too, and some sunshine would really be nice, lol. *yawn. Too early to write I guess.
I have so much to do today too and that in itself isn't appealing.

I need to go add another entry to my deviant art journal too...

You know what.....why is it that it takes someone cutting their finger to realize you don;t have enough bandage supplies...it's like it happens so you are aware that you 'need to get that taken of' sorta thing. What we need is a suture kit and some numbing meds...because I already know how to sew....even sewed up a hit by car rabbit before...all the doctor will do is put a 5 mile long bandage on it that is 7 inches think and send you home anyway. Dumb.
So enough of the dread and boo hiss stuff...what do you want to learn about today.....how about.....how bad it is to get a tax thing in the mail you have to fill out and pay, even though the tax people didn't do jack crap in helping you make or sell your own work. That's always nice. Or better yet when the sun still hasn;t shone through :P Or when you NEED a certain fabric print that just sold out within 2 weeks, that sux.

Okay now, really, something happy...ummm.....I am happy in general, does that count? Besides the fact that at one point in your life you feel connected and then you end up feeling persecuted and done away with...oh yeah, love that. I'm sure Jesus loved that too.

sigh...nothing to say today I guess, nothing thought provoking anyway....what a bummer. I guess I will talk to you penguins later. Happy flip flopping on the slides of ice that like to send you flailing into the great ocean of churning emotions. God bless.

We R who we R - deal with it

"...it's been a long time since I came around, been a long time but I'm back in town, this time I'm not leaving without you...."


Have you found your Jesus?
......hahaha...funny, because I wrote those lyrics and that sentence as two separate entities, but in truth they are one...yeah, good times, even if it's in my own mind.
"You and I...you you you and I...oh yeah, I'd rather die, without You and I"...... I love the song already, but now I love it more...lol. Let's continue with more lyrics :)
We've got a whole lot of money, but we still pay rent, 'cause you can't buy a house in Heaven....there's only 3 men that Imma serve in my whole life, it's my Daddy, and Nebraska, and Jesus Christ

Of course....I consider the first and last the same entity as well....since my sperm donor father is too chicken shit to even call me, even if he is visiting the other siblings that happen to live within 30 miles of me....thanks dad... I love you anyways...but incase you decide to man up, Jodi has my number, Judy has my number, oh, so does Steven and Mom. and who knows who else. You know we are all going to die oneday.

and I've never been to Nebraska, maybe possibly drove through or flew over, but not really I don't think. But I'm proud to say that in the effort to teach my kids where all the states are and the capital cities, I now know where it is on the map and the capital city....go me!
And for serving anyone, it'll be Jesus Christ, my awesome hubby, and one of the people in my imagination, because I love him too. :P...oh, and Prince Vaughn, because he's my handsome fluffy kitty who deserves everything he wants. and people who ask...or don;t....but I won;t tell.

Okay, let's get back on track, since I made an awesome connection between a lovely Lady Gaga song and Jesus!!
funny how this song came out just about the time where the crazy prophesy people are popping up...hmmm....let me rephrase that.... about the same time when the virgin (Virgo) clothed in the sun, with the moon under her feet (Sept 30th 2011), crown of 12 stars on her head (yes, look at the those stars, they are there for real!) she was pregnant and about to give birth to a son (Venus aka: Morning star; Jesus aka: Morning Star) who will rule the nations with an iron scepter, but a red dragon (Elenin) is before her ready to devour the child. (Elenin is set to be between the earth and sun the 26-28ish)...no clue if that has anything to do with the Three Days of Darkness...
UGH, forget all that.....the point being is that He is not leaving without you...yeah, good times.

Okay, so without sounding like a complete looney, let's get to another point......why is it that something you like to do, does not like working with you....ugh. Fixing to throw it all in the trash....I need to keep moving, i can't hold on to things that are being piss assey. My patience is transmuting into action....and I can't be waiting for other people...so not gonna happen. I've already started thinking about it, so that right there should tell you that one of my more physical hobbies is in severe danger of being put to death....be warned.

And I want to say how much I LOVE having employees...omg, you guys make me so happy, thank you for giving your time. And I still need one more to do some tedious applique work (or an embroidery machine)...whichever comes first. I like designing, not working...lol...better yet, someone with a kick-ass embroidery machine that can do the huge 12+ inch designs (custom designs and Disney!) for cheap, because I am poor.

and all my money will go towards kick-ass dslr camera and lens, and memory cards, and battery packs....yay!! I want to go take pics NOW!
I am so thankful that I can have a hobby that makes money to pay for my other hobbies....and for a hubby that doesn't complain that I have too many hobbies :D

What was the word of the month....hmmm, I forget and am not going back to reread...but I think I was sharing my 'other' deviant art journal postings....oh dear......let's go find you one to contemplate....
Oh wow....how about this page....deep shit right there~ http://shadowdragondreams.deviantart.com/journal/?offset=55
hmmm, that was a long time ago I wrote that too, but I just reread the page to make sure it wasn't something offensive....haha, not really, I like being offensive if you haven't gotten that idea yet, but I wanted to make sure nothing on there was something I couldn't explain if someone asked me........BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THERE ARE PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO ASSUME AND JUDGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GETTING TO KNOW THEM FIRST OR ASK QUESTIONS>>>AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE---->...see that, I didn;t call you a bad name...even though I could spew bad words and still not fall from grace....even if I know He grumbles at me and looks at me like I should watch myself when I badmouth others... I do try sometimes to not test your foundations. ;) but what fun would that be...
I love you guys. I'm just having fun with you, I don;t really think bad about anyone except child abusers and animal abusers.

Love you happy joyful green spotted froggies in the pit of despair and frustration....want to come out and play in the sunshine? Look me up, i will help you get out of that box and drop your bricks ;)

We can have a party while awaiting the earthquakes that probably won;t happen next week. Yay!!! froggies and sunshine with beer!...oh wait, I don;t drink.....shit.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! I put Cartoon Network and Youtube all in the same post, lol....Coincidence maybe??

Well....I am bummed today. Not that it is being a bad day, not at all really...maybe it's just the rain.
Anyway, I have stuff to do for work. I haven't even started.
I have school to get started on and finished...easy stuff too, just I am seriously lacking in initiative.
I'm a bit disturbed that the kids watched too much tv this morning and now I have to wait for their minds to wake back up before starting schooltime, otherwise they will be whiney and totally not know what they are doing. So I'm frustrated at myself for letting them watch, frustrated that we even have cable. What a waste of money, considering I don;t watch anything.
I might catch a Survivor episode or some Dumbest criminals on Tru TV occasionally, but nothing I must watch...at least not until American Idol comes back on....even though that is local....maybe I can talk hubby into dropping our subscription down to local only and save $30 or so bucks.
We don;t get Cartoon Network anyway, so it's not a loss....and I despise everything on Syfy, lol. Lame-o shows.

Well, otherwise, besides the "I'm broke" feeling and the "I hate sewing" feeling and the "this house is a disaster" feeling and the "look at all this stuff that needs done" feeling....I'm all cheery deep down on the inside underneath the crap I am burying myself with. Damn bricks....why oh why do I pick them up. Ugh.
Need to go take a nice hot bath and just not pay attention to the stuff "I should be doing" and only focus on "this is what I'm doing now" moments.

Funny, because I often write things that will work for others to read and hopefully use, and sometimes I myself get lost too. I'm not perfect, and do not wish I was, but it's not like I have time to go back and reread things I wrote...I have adhd ....I forget shit, especially with that monthly visitor stopping by for a visit. I suck!

Also, I need homes for 2 kitties! Toothless is a sweety, but he is not liking my cats or the dog very much. He loves people though. Astrid...is weird. I'm not sure she can hear or see sometimes...very odd I would say. Hoping she starts acting normal so I can find her a good home. She doesn't mind my cats or the dog. And she loves people too....she just doesn't look for you when you call....like I said, she might have a vision problem or hearing maybe??idk. Odd, and I have owned more kittens/cats then necessary to be able to say that.
Both are great with kids and I would bet their birth family had toddlers or young children, because they have been desensitized to rough handling, they are very lenient when you mess with them, lol. Too bad they decided to drop them off in an old park with no food or water. Idiots, sure be like that and not take responsibility, let someone else handle it...many people share that same view, unfortunately. ever wonder why the world is cruel and violent...
Even the little things count. They may not make a huge difference at once, but they form what that difference becomes...

Ugh, enough sappiness. Today the world could end and I would not care. :P

Speaking of end of the world.... Elenin....very nifty info about it... spent an hour or so last night watching some youtube vidoes about it...mostly from 9Nania, as she's been following it a lot longer than me and has much of the links to everything else. Yeah, I know, youtube videos do not make it real or anything like that at all, I know that, but I like to be informed about real things and possible real things, and even pretend things. I don;t believe in much of anything except for Jesus.
So yesterday I noticed even things in the comments of some of the videos are very interesting...like the abomination standing in the desolate place...something like that...anyway, did it occur to anyone that Obama was standing at the 9-11 memorial on 9-11 and he read from Psalms 46...I know some think he is the antichrist, but besides that opinion, I find that rather interesting... Also the point made about the 7 year tribulation starting this September (Rosh Hashana possibly) and ending 2017-18... of course whether or not the Lord's church will be 'raptured' is another discussion. idk...I have many different thoughts about that one.

Sooooooooo......blah blahblah... none of that will help since its all opinions. But anyway, I could tell you to give your heart to Christ and repent before it's too late!..... but that wouldn't be right... I will tell you though to 'be still' ....when you are there you will already know what you should do, and nothing anyone else can say matters.

Much love and cupcakes to the sweet bitterness of lifelong dreams....with powdered sugar on top.

You just gestured to all of me....

Hmmmm.....well....here I am thinking about maybe possibly going to go sew those items I "must get done before the mail runs tomorrow morning!!!" Yeah, those urgent, 'please get it scratched off my list' things I should be doing...
It seems OMG, INCREDIBLE is not getting on my tail about getting it done any faster than it is though...so I here I am writing about maybe thinking about that I should be going to do it...but I'm not, at least not yet anyway.

Want to know what I did today.... I went to pick up 2 stray kittens someone abandoned down in Dunlap. They were dehydrated and half starved. But I went to go get them.
So now they are nicely enjoying themselves in my bedroom for now. I didn't want to stress them out more than I should by introducing them to my cats or the dog just yet.
But, even after slaying that Resistance that kept saying something about 'someone else will handle it' and 'it'll be fine' and things about gas money or how hubby would be irate if I brought more pets home....things are great. They are alive and slowly recuperating. Hubby gets it and no, I can't say I saw him playing with them, he'd get busted red handed and we wouldn't want that since he's being an absolute sweetheart.
We will be needing to find a home for them though after a week or so after they get their weight back up and such.
I call them my little dragons, because when you pick them up they just purr and purr! They are super sweet! And we have temporarily named them Toothless and Astrid.

Okay, well, let me rephrase that to, that I don't want to stress 'MY' cats out just yet, lol. Prince Vaughn got all grumbly. Anyway, need some homes for the little girl and little boy, they are about 8 weeks old.

Did I mention that I had some cheez-its today too. omg...it's been forever since I try my best to avoid all milk and milk products (they are evil!) but I so badly wanted some so I took me a fancy lactaid pill and grabbed a handful. Whether or not I may be feeling okay tomorrow or later tonight has yet to be seen. Oh well. I had me some cheez-its.

Not feeling rude today at all, so nothing offensive to share. I will do something of the opposite though.
Fight the resistance....do good....always. Don't assume someone else will handle it, don't assume it's someone else's problem...there are no problems. Your circumstances and challenges are not your life, they are your life situation.....handle it well. Handle it like it was the job God gave you to do.....do your job well. Don;t assume someone else would do your job or even could do your job. Fight.
Like those old cartoons with the little angel and devil on your shoulder....the devil is the resistance that will keep you from doing your work, or the instigator of doing bad work. The angel just tells you what you should do, though he can't make you do it....that's your job and your job alone....fight.
Things come your way because you are the right employee for the job....or at the very least the one to bring the challenge to the right employee....never give up.

I really need to go do something productive before bed.....goodnight my sweet dandelions with curly noodle hair. Me love you lots :)

Much learning doth make thee mad

Sooo.... I've been reading this book....well, technically, I just finished reading the book...and I have to say I love it.
"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.
Seems to me....there are some major things that prevent people in general from seeing/hearing/knowing the truth either about themselves, others, or life. And major screens people are attached to....be it thoughts, emotions, ideals... None of which really matter, not even my own.

Weird thing is, that actually productively focusing on the here and now, and letting all other opinions, blame, etc, etc fade away doesn't feel wrong. Even letting some particular ideas that some base their life upon fade away too.... kinda like that letting go thing I mentioned once upon a time. Letting go of it all....for they are all bricks.
And you still won;t feel lost, or feel like you have betrayed someone. Or feel like you have 'sinned'

I choose to go further down this path, just to see where it leads. As I didn't place it before me in the first place. It was placed there for me. And I will surrender to it.


Yay, you have no idea what I meant by any of that, I'm sure, so oh well. ;)
Anyway, got stuff to do today, and I won;t complain about them. As I have nothing to complain about, nothing to rant about....see what reading shit does to you...lol.

I do have a comment about a little title I saw in the paper the other day. It was only a small article, and I didn't really read the article except for a quick browse through which I have already forgotten, but I do remember the title...It was "Excuse me, but would it kill you to lie?"
Now this got me thinking... first off, I could use my thoughts (which are dysfunctional anyway (book said so)) and my thoughts would first say."Yes, because lying is a 'sin'...and you will die and burn in hell for that." hahahaha.... no I really don;t believe that you would go to a place called hell...though lying is wrong. I don't usually practice it, so I'm not qualified to elaborate with my dysfunctional mind thoughts.
On the other hand, my other thought would be, "No, unless it is a serious matter, people can get over it!!! They would believe anything told to them anyway if they are not present enough to know the difference between the truth and a lie." (yeah, my ruthless side talking....)
The point is that not many people are 'awake' so even telling the truth, one would still get bombarded with others judgements and opinions, and blames, and and and...... So feel free to lie, when none respect you enough to even ask you what you meant by something and like to judge and cast blame, and not even be considerate to the underlying soul that lives underneath all the bullshit.... that way when they cast judgement and opinions, it will be about nothing in truth....and if someone actually did want to learn what you really meant, then tell them the truth that you lied and wanted them to see how quick they were to blame and condemn.... As many are quick to do so...so fast, one can't even see it coming.

Oh, and then they sit there and add to their already negative thoughts, and build up a case against you. With their like minded friends they have brainwashed with their negative frequencies. And who someone really is, the soul inside, gets buried beneath the bricks. And one can never see how great the people are. Not only the the judges, but the victims too...assuming the victim likes picking up bricks too.
Let's throw them at each other, that'll really get us some brownie points to get to heaven.

Oh, wait....there I go playing mind games to mess with the thumpers...heaven isn't somewhere, some other place in the future....it is Now. And it is Here. Not sure what everyone is waiting for? Wake up. Shake yourself awake or something, I can't do it for you.
....or can I....?

I know, a little harsh today for this blog post, you'll get over it. I love you ALL anyways. Have a great day in the mists of the sunshine and blueberries. Hugs to my little padawans of enlightenment.


Oh, and our little gerbil, her name is Snips, off of the Star Wars cartoon, Ahsoka's kid names Anikin gave her :)...and she loves her ball.

there's a snake in my boot!!!

AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

I am NOT EVER going to do things the hard way again....
That means, that if I am still even remotely interested in doing this sewing hobby/job starting next year, I will go and buy me a damn expensive, top-o-the line, kick-ass, exactly what I deserve embroidery machine!

I will take out a loan, or finance it if I have to, because this hard work is BULLSHIT!!!!

Mainly because even though mine are all handmade and cut and sewn, that doesn't make them any more awesomer than the people who went and bought that fancy machine already....so they get the machine to make it all in 'no time at all' while I spend too much time and energy getting mine done.....UGH!!!
I love that they can do it, but there is no reason whatsoever that I even care to bother anymore...except for that paycheck...


If I still feel cheated by Monday, I am going to deactivate all my custom etsy listings and just be poor...because at least I'll be sane.
GRRRRRR!!!!!

I'm going to be a photographer next year anyway...because I want to see the world and all that it holds! And I want to be outside! And I want time to spend with my family and write and paint and do nothing at all!!!!

And I can do whatever the hell I want!!! So there!

I need a hug....


So, that was my rant for the day...lol....and I am so not thrilled right now.
Let's just put it this way....I am very competitive, and when I see newbies come onto the scene and make incredible stuff with their fancy machine that does it in 'no time at all', I get irate. But it's okay really. I love that they are making awesome stuff and awesome money. I don;t care if I make any money sometimes, just that I create awesomeness...which lately I haven't been doing.... I SUCK!
I suck majorly, as I don;t even want to bother anymore.

OMG, INCREDIBLE said I need to re-prioritize and this was the only way to get me to do it, so here I am. Pulling my hair out...and for what? For nothing. I get to see that I can't do everything for everyone, no matter how nice, how available, how bad I want to be there to help and support others, I just can't do it all....and really, is there even a reason?
I try too hard, not only to please others, but to earn some sort of income to pay for everything but the bills, but it sucks shit.
I am not doing customs anymore...except for my ooak custom sales, as those are easy peasy! But nope, I do not like this please everyone idea at all....and OMG, INCREDIBLE said to ditch it and go on to where I need to be...and where I need to be is not here with them....but with Him....

*sigh....


I hate knowing things, but not knowing what to do with them. Then again, I can do anything with them and it would be just fine. But I hate making the choices. It's hard to make the choices. And even harder if you don't know where you are wanting to go....
well, it's late, I guess I will go to bed and sleep! :o)

The theme of the month can be a link to my awesome and freaky deviant art journal....
These are not rants (except maybe one or two) they are ..... insights...but some are really old and I consider some of them a look into a spiritual journey, from being invulnerable and caged...to where I am nowish... the dates will say...but I think they go back to 2008 or so....
And quite frankly, some I don;t remember writing, some are kinda harsh, some are really sappy Christian over-toned, (I am so sorry! I finally grew out of that...kinda..) and some still freak me out when I re-read them.... I am crazy...and it is a beautiful thing.
Here's a older page...I like the one from June 30th...but I like them all really, that's just the one I read just now, so I pointed it out, because I know we all suffer...

Love you all, with joy and with patience....


Oh, and the snake...in the middle of my yard, just strolling along as if he owned the whole yard...Mr. Rattle Snake, with the shaky tail and the pointy fangs.... I am sorry we killed you...I guess we could have attempted to catch you and relocate you... I am really sad about it and I am sorry I didn't come to that idea sooner... so now you are dead, and I have your tail.... ugh, I';m sorry.... I hate killing things, or having someone kill things, or watching someone kill things no matter how obviously dangerous they are... I feel so bad about it still. ..Of course you were probably hiding on my patio and could have bit one of my kids or me or hubby...and that's so not cool...or if we tried to catch you, you may have bitten one of us...and that's not cool either.... as you were kinda big.. Forgive us for taking your life... I will promise to attempt to spare the lives of your kin...unless you dare bite one of my kids....then you all will die...every last one of you...
have a nice day!