little words aren't always little

do you know me? do you think you know me? just go away.
none of you really know me.
i'm all muddled in thoughts...so muddled its kinda clear.
this is what happens when rocks really are no longer rocks to rely upon, but pebbles that like to roll away and leave you without anything to rest your head on.
rocks that are rolling stones...rolling on top of you.
i can't hold you up. i'm dying under here.
and i'm not the regular everyday person. i can't speak the way everyone else speaks. i can't say the average things everyone else says. i can't look the way everyone else looks. I can't like the same things or do the same things, or represent the same things.
i catch myself when i feel i've said something someone else didn't understand, too embarrassed to repeat it.
you've made me ashamed of speaking....everything about me is wrong. thank god.
i've successfully became rejected by the world. thank god.
and i don't care about the big things and i care too much for the little things, and most of what i truly care about isn't anything you can see. i'm rather fearless and passionate, but i'm fragile and sometimes get lost. i miss people who probably don't remember me. i miss people whom i haven't even met in this life. i miss people whom i have met but don't talk to me. and even if they do it doesn't matter, i'm bad at communicating.
i'm entranced by people who i know 'knows' me, even if they never admit it. i try to look for those people i miss. but if i saw them i wouldn't say anything....because what i speak never says what i say..... seems there's a glitch from my heart to the sound waves. no one can fix it. i hope those people i miss whom i never met in this life show up sometimes before its over, or at least when it is over.
my people just didn't come with me this time. and this is what makes me feel lonely.
negative energy literately hurts, but no one believes me. they cause it anyway. medicines numb your soul, yet they take them anyway. money steals your joy, yet we want it anyway.
curse this land. i want to go home. i want us all to go home.


do you want to hear a story? of course you do, and i will be sure to avoid capitalization and correct punctuation while i tell it. ok.

Once upon a time i traveled down this long hallway....at the end of this hallway was a trap door on the floor. upon opening it, i descended downward on a spiral staircase....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...the seventh step where a door was in my midst....there were many doors on the stairway that went downward....but i can't remember what was in each of them....but inside each there was someone there to meet, whom then would give me s gift, and then introduce me to their wife.
so there was 1, which i entered into....there he was waiting. simplistic and humble. rather plain and quiet, not as gratifying as many other times. he handed me a small treasure chest. inside this chest was a large and very beautiful emerald gem, polished and gleaming in this dark room. greener than green....almost like the grass in the heavenly garden. what was this for?
he didn't say anything....so i asked to meet his wife.
there was this rushing of light and energy...this feeling...not possible to explain.. it flooded the entire room and moved in and out of us both....colors like a rainbow, waves of love and the unending joy rushing through....she was us...all together....everyone...everything. like a dance....one a part of the other.

so after this rather strange journey, come to find out that an emerald has many meanings....like faith, healing... we do need these type of gifts, do we not? .... and today.... even after my last posting of our impending dance... he brings me more gifts.... the rainbow of light and the gems in the treasure chest.... the second witness that confirms that my insane spirit trips are not unmeaningful, but rather gifts in themselves. gathering his treasures....and pouring them out upon us.
an incredible life this is. our remembering and our reunion over and over again. and it has nothing to do with us alone...but all of us together.
Intriguing, no?


i highly doubt you have any clue what i talk about....and thats ok...but keep in mind it frustrates me to know that i can't find anyone in the same chapter....i do read fast i guess, and pay the price for it quite often. this distance leads to that feeling of aloneness even if i know my people are out there (in here) somewhere. most of the time i manage quite well. and then there are days like this where i wonder if it's really me who cares or if its just human girl issues trying to steal my focus. whatever.
I also think it has to do with frequency and sound waves and energy...but i'm not a scientist and really don't have time to delve into matters such as that.
time.... i think that is a rare thing of late. i need to stay off the computer for awhile since no one talks to me anyway.... and i wasted the whole day and did not sew and did not do anything deemed as productive. I did help the girl get fur for her business and watched a sappy movie, i did watch the video about the treasure chest stuff (freaky! but i love it) i did cook dinner, i did successfully manage to hate the way i talk too....probably that was a bit counter productive... :( and now i just don't like anyone least of all myself. thank you for that dose of non-confidence.
i do however love my hubby, and my kids, and thinking of undoing something....but i'm not sure yet.
tomorrow will be better yes?


of course it will.... the ballroom is ready

Sandblasting your mind.

Sometimes....truth is found not in the adding of something new...but the peeling away of the old.
Strange how these things come to you, these tidbits that make you go 'huh'. Things you always really knew, but perhaps covered in layers of the grime that you were fed while still young. And they stick....well, perhaps we should really say that they remain, while the not so true ideals get scraped onto the ground.
But we knew all this already don't we?

And now where do we find ourselves? Maybe not you...no, there's not many people I know where I can say us...now is there? But it should be 'us'.....but you are still sleeping. They all are still sleeping....and the few I've seen are off in distant lands...although they are already part of the 'us'.
Wake up, wake up.
Waiting isn't as convenient and calm as we hoped. Step out of your slumber....out of the chaos and prison built around you. It's almost time and you will miss the ship. I don't want you to miss it, none of us do. You are one of us too, but you are still sleeping. Wake up.

So there's these 6 orders left....sewing wise that is. These 6 accumulate to 16 items. Not too bad. Only the fact that they still need done.
But see...there's this problem..... this tug o' war of necessity of completing them and the necessity of doing what 'needs' to be done....those things you already know, those truths...and aren't they more important. Oh the joys of prioritizing and scrapping the old ways and taking on new skins. Let it be so.
This is sure to be an amazing experience. Let it be so.
Oh, and the boss man. That great great awesome person I know....He and I are on the verge of a wonderful dance. And I'm rather nervous to tell you the truth.

In other worldly news besides sewing work....I'm editing photos (in a few minutes I will be anyway). I'm searching for some much needed relief in financial affairs, but we all know, everyone in the country is shopping for christmas...and they won't shop for disney stuff or boutique stuff until after then. I'm hoping to get my mini laptop induced with my writing program so I can start book 3! I'm also going to use this more available down time to work on that re-prioritizing plan. I'm sure there will be complaints at first, until those amazing things start happening of course.
I'm trying to remain aloof regarding other more pressing issues. Which is fine for now, but those of course will need to be dealt with soon. Think I'll let them just take care of themselves this time around.
Not much else to say. I've got to go redo my agenda list, then work on pics. Later chumpies of green flora power. We'll miss you... "How long will I love you? - As long as there are stars above you."

Sky diving into something better than here

hahahahaha! I love this....and hate it....this cliff jumping hobby of mine....especially that part where you seem to be watching yourself get closer and closer to the ground below. Always that 'back-of-your-mind' this is going to hurt idea when you can just about see the small pebbles of earth just below you.....and coming up so so very fast.
Many times I suppose we cringe and flee at that moment when we fear the imminent death of 'something' and never quite go through with our plans. The changing of our mind after we already have jumped and the ground isn't stopping, we are not flying, and there's no one here to catch us moments....this cursed double eyed syndrome....the idea that we made a mistake even if we never followed through with the plan in the first place...this pre-judgement so to speak.
Not this time. This is where the little green emerald starts to gleam....this is where we accept that the ground might possibly hurt. This is where we refuse to flee, even though we can't help cringing on the fall. This is where we trust that there is no ground....only more space. We are determined to crash through the walls of any box we may or may not see....even if it hurts. Let us fall. In fact, let us dive like superman and gain more momentum to find out what this cliff jumping thing is all about.
Perhaps we have a bungee cord. Perhaps we are made of rubber and bounce. Perhaps we break open the earth and that is where we need to be....there within...that place where we can slay the demons. There....because that is where He is too.

Well.....I can't write much on certain issues, as they require silence. But I will skim the top to say that doctors are absolutely whacked....at least one for sure. That certain people are very deceiving and untrustworthy and no, I will not feel sorry for them except that they just don't realize how much better it could be for them if they choose something better for themselves. That money is indeed a tool and its hard to do certain jobs without said tools. among other things....who really cares though.
More stuff to do tomorrow, so I have to go to sleep.
But if you are reading this and you're not family (or a customer, i loves you too!)....you suck. And I will tell you why when I feel like it.
how's that for grumpy....hahaha.....

That reminds me of a song I heard before, some kid song..."If you're gonna be grumpy, well, that's ok, but could you be grumpy a little further away...".... which I tell the wonderful girl twelve year old, often enough :)

you know what...I made cinnamon rolls tonight, I think I might go eat one.... (another one)

One eye at a time....... but always the same eye...the other one is an ass.

Well hello.
What was that again about me jumping off that cliff....? This has been quite an extraordinary experience thus far, and things of unique perspective are compressing rather quickly into this feeble mind of mine. I should write WOW! because that is what it is...but also GRRR! or OMG! or ......! or WTF? or holy crap! among other things. Very interesting and involving and I have learned many new ways of looking at things.
Now there's this problem of being lost that is at times overwhelming, if not underwhelming. Times of considering doing a mind dump, times of frustration, times of doubt and uncertainty...as if we could ever be certain. Times of knowing that knowing is never going to come to completion. Times of nothing having meaning, to everything having meaning. This unending turmoil of having 2 eyes. Damn having 2 eyes, when being a cyclops would be what we should be aiming for.....assuming we aim for the eye that looks within.

So what does this mean....this means I have had more to write than I have time to write. More to say without more to listen. There's been this annoying gnawing dilemma of knowledge that I think I've lost a friend. Maybe intuition on part, as I try to overlook things, but I'm feeling that feeling to where it just isn't all that great in the matter. If I just could add to this....I've lost many things since this deliberate lunge into the sky. The boss man.....my boss man. He's watching....that silent look. The one where I can feel the stare, but I can't see the face....there is no longer a face and this is enough to drive me mad, in both ways....crazy, angry....whatever. We've had a discussion....and since these new bits of incredible wisdoms have come my way, I know this insane separation won't be forever....but better....always better. My very good friend is ever present though...hooray!
So, besides this crazy whirlwind which I have a love/hate relationship with, and besides the losing of a friend (I guess), I've gained one, and this is an awesome turn of events. I hope when the whirlwind ride is over, I can keep the friend.

Ok, other news besides ramblings in my brain to which you really have no clue to what I'm saying....
I'm out of money and this is no fun. Sometimes I complain I'm broke, but that really just meant that I didn't have money to spend on something extra....and now I'm thinking I was being to egocentric and selfish. I apologize and am currently working on this aspect of myself. This lesson is indeed a main point to this leg of the journey of falling into the sky as stated above. Hard, yes. Difficult, annoying, harsh, painful....oh yes. Necessary....definitely. I shall accept this challenge.
Of course, now I'm really really broke....and it's at the point of being achingly terrible and pleasantly peaceful at the same time. ...what was I saying about 2 eyes again?.... another love/hate relationship. Fixing to close one eye, because I know this is just part of the experience.

Let's see.....I have sewing work to do...of course, and successfully killed my sewing machine the other day. (This one lasted the longest so far! I'm proud of it!) And now have utilized the new one. We are getting to know each other still and right now we stand at a 'I like when you work correctly' relationship, otherwise...I can't really get mad since it's been sitting in my closet for a year.
Luckily my order list isn't as oppressive as it once was, yet, I still feel swamped mentally. I haven't gotten any new orders yet in a while either, which always puts me in fret mode, but then again, I haven't had a sale or listed new things or told everyone I was open for orders....because really I would like to one day get finished with current orders so I can do absolutely nothing for 3 days. As we all know, that on the 4th day...I will want to sew...and what I sew will be amazing. Yes, yes it will be.

My laptop is still somewhere trying to get fixed...and book 3 is eating at me.....I don't like writing on this computer because I can't relax in bed :/ someone needs to hurry up.....though I don't really know who has it, lol.
Anyway....I don't have much to share besides more otherworldly ideologies. Nothing about god or Jesus or death or very good friends or aliens or end of the world stuff or dreams....

Cyclops? did I really write that, hahaha....I like Wolverine better.

Vacation next week! Not looking forward to the drive, but I get to sees me family, and drag everyone out for a photoshoot!!! I hope it doesn't rain... O__O !!! And yes, I'm still obsessed with photo taking fun. Things have picked up about 10% from last year...so we shall see where this leads....but no, I'm not ready to jump off any more cliffs for awhile...I'm still falling from the last time....have to get my feet back on the ground first. Regain that sense of purpose and assured-ness.
So, well, it's 4:23am....I've got to go to sleep peeps. Later, maybe I can be more in depth and detailed for you next time....not going to hold your hand to walk you through my storm until you understand...I don't care if you understand....but maybe I can share insight....with that 1 eye instead of 2. ;)


Don't suffer your host, have pity that she gave herself up for you.
Cover thine eyes and let thy sights be set upon the winds of thine heart. Time folds upon the lives and light ripples through the cosmos, still we shall hear the sounds and dance within the memories of thy kingdom.

Can you tell this is a bit disgruntled?

It's late, as usual, and not much time to throw out some words your way. Much time consuming feats have been the jist of the month/year/day/hour. Not much of relaxation or getting to live life, more than just living through it. We will have to work on that.
Feeling disgruntled today. Disgruntled at the human population who are worthless and those who never want to better themselves. Namely people whom seem to find their way to rent from us. Idiots. I do hope they discover the living wholesome life sometime before rotting into the depths of filth from being idiots. Not sure how we end up with these type of people, but good gosh it really needs to stop.
Disgruntled at issues involving cash flow. Not that money is all that great....but it is so much better than not having it. Disgruntled at the 'system' of society and all it's wily ways, all its tricks and deceptions, all its filth.
Disgruntled that the one, maybe 2 people I'm looking for are not being very cooperative. Disgruntled that even talking to one of them seems to be an ongoing challenge, and it shouldn't be. Disgruntled that this leap off the cliff is proving to be a tedious venture to which the ending is hidden. As are things like, the path, the signs, the sunlight...oh just about everything.
I guess this is where that stuff they call faith should kick in....but that word is lame. Poor letters trying to hold up a great deed. Let's change it to something more appealing. Because the eyes are the only thing that can still see at the moment....how about resolve. Maybe, idk. One of those, I chose this so now I have to follow through kind of things. Yeah, close enough even if the word still sounds lame.

Had some messed up dreams lately. There were two I can remember that might be worthwhile.....
One was with Obama...(ugh) he was sitting across from me in a chair (like an interview of some sort) talking talking talking....about something or another, none of it was actually answering the questions he was given. And I remember just giving up trying to get answers from him and I leaned over (like little old ladies do) and patted his knee. I said "Don't you worry, everything will be just fine." ..... I knew whatever plans he had were going to fail in the long run. I knew he would fall no matter what grand schemes he had set up. He's a loser, we already know who wins.

The other one was weird, but I liked it because Vin Diesel was in it and he's my adopted brother :) --, anyway we all (the fam) were in a large grocery store without a roof (I think), but many of the items on the shelves were gone. We were checking every aisle to try and find things we needed. Vin was in the same store and I was happy to meet him. We said hi then went on our way shopping. After awhile, for some reason it ended up with me and the boy on the other side of the store (there was a small lake here, and trees, but the aisles were on the other side of the lake.) and it was night all of a sudden....I looked and there was a solar eclipse happening (in the dream I thought it was a lunar eclipse, since it was dark out) and I remember sitting down so we both could see the eclipse from behind the trees. It had a black center with a golden ring all the way around it perfectly. I was pointing at it so the boy could see too. I remember thinking it looking like a wedding ring. Then Vin came by and sat next to us as we watched the eclipse....but it never moved? Woke up not long after that.
Now the thing is lunar eclipses don't leave a ring around it, only solar eclipses do that. Not sure where the rest of my fam went either. But it was nice to meet Vin, haha.


Ok...um...what else. Sewing work as usual, photoshoot stuff, ideas that never seem to get attention :( , renter pains, employment pains, health pains, though I'm feeling betterish lately. This odd sense of "............" it weird....like an impending 'thing' or time or something. What is it!? It's like manna. Maybe if the boss man would help me out in deciphering some things, this 'thing' thing wouldn't be so annoyingly impending.... I feel like its some catastrophe waiting to happen, but no idea what it has to do with anything. :/ disgruntled...and waiting for some signs.
And I'm not talking about harbingers of doom signs. No, not like the oarfish found near Los Angeles, although last time they found those suckers dead was just before the huge quake in Japan.... and two already within the area around california...whatever.....my dream said it was going to happen in Oregon, but my dreams don't know anything really.
Oh, and the tidal wave, tsunami, missile thing that hits NY...whatever....I don't live there, nor want to. I was there in my dream when it got hit with a tsunami....don't want to do that again.
No sudden wake up dreams though which is a good sign, because those happen like the same day. Whew!
Comet Ison coming in a few weeks! Who's excited!? Me! I like cool cosmic art. And the fact when it passes by (assuming it doesn't burn up around the sun) is when we are doing family photos, so I hope to capture it in the background :) or at least I can photoshop it into the pics anyway, lol. Of course the possible debris field we pass through should be a fun show as well.
This is all relying on the fact this comet is a comet and not some space UFO thing....considering youtube people like to photoshop pics and/or they are telling a different side of the story and that thing is not a comet after all...who knows. I'll still take pictures....unless it is a UFO...well then, I'm out man...not touching that crap.

I had a thought today.....what if we are the demons that possess humans....instead of the other way around?

Bye bye birdie.....

You can learn a lot from a little bird.
This post has been a while in coming...and I really had to think about how to go about an instance like this. So I gave it a few days from said incident. And yeah...things are proceeding once again in some form of direction toward the better. If you know what I mean. not forward exactly, more upward I would say. Or is it inward?? Outward? It is really hard to put a definition on such a deep level. Another dumping of the comfortable safety net. Another shedding of this false grasp of truth. Another plunge of the cliff and into the depths....or solo flight....but not so solo... I'm really bad at describing on a linear level, bare with me in my terminologies.


So a busy day on Gunbarrel road...just like any other, but more so, as it was a weekday and closer to rush hour (yeah, 'what the heck, let's go shopping in the late afternoon' bad idea). Leaving the Wal-Mart parking lot (we went to Joann's....even though I HATE Joann's!!) and so while making a left hand turn....there was this little birdy. Baby bird perhaps? That's what I assumed. Smack dab in the middle of my lane near the middle of this packed full of cars 4-way red light. Yes, I saw it. Yes, it was still alive.
So I stopped....kinda....I slowed stopped-ish.
"Should I stop? there's freaking cars everywhere!" Is there anyone behind me? Hell if I know!" "There's at least 10 cars to my right making the same left turn much faster than I" ....thoughts running through my head... "I know I wouldn't hit it if I kept going forward." "If I get out will I get smacked from a car behind me? "Will I get run over by my own truck?" "Shit, what do I do!!?"

So judging by the fact I was more concerned with safety...I kept going...missing the bird, and even after going super slow so I could pull to the right into a parking lot to go save the bird....I couldn't get over...hence the other 10 or so vehicles speeding on that same left turn out of wal-mart.......so I went forward to turn left to turn around to go back and save the bird....couldn't really get left either due to freaking five hundred cars. Eventually I got back into the wal mart parking lot, made a u-turn and went back out and turned right to get to where the bird was.....little bird is dead. Son of a bitch.
Now this pisses me off. Not only because I could have simply saved it had I pushed the idea that getting hit in the first place out of my head...but because out of the five hundred other drivers literately parked at the red light....that no one else did anything either. What about the drivers in the lane not even 10 feet from this bird...at least 6 had a clear view. What about the drivers going straight? What about the others turning right? Did everyone fail? We all effing suck. And I hate that we suck and evidently can't rely on anyone else to pull us through our challenges or fears.

And this is what I told the boss man. Yeah, the same boss man waiting with me on the hillside. That same one that sometimes doesn't say a word and it drives me crazy.
thanks for helping out, eh?
"What did the little bird teach you?" so He asks..... Him and His questions....always questions....
That life is messy...and fragile...and chaotic...and heartless...heartfull...and full of fear...and love....just a little bit.
"Where was I?" He asks....
Here on this hilltop....I wanted to blurt out....but no...that would be the wrong answer. We all know where He was. There on the inside....always with us. But I didn't get that awesome memory of Him and His "Take hold" lesson. I didn't remember that "Stand up." order. No, none of that nice happy talk that gets you through the night, but can never get you through the day. Never even thought of Him while this helpless creature paraded with giant metal toys.... what were we thinking of....oh, um, obviously the bird...and getting run over...and frustration that everyone was in my way....and disgust that there was no hope outside of oneself.
So ...here's the lesson... because of this blessed little bird.
Whatever verse you cling to....whatever memory you have, no matter how wonderful...whatever thought, idea, prayer, notion, wish, hope, or dream.....none of that really matters at crunch time. It matters, yes, but not in the moment of challenge.
Do you know what does matter?
Imminent self reliance and self awareness. Being fully there. ... not in your head thinking about getting hit or ran over by your own truck...not thinking about attempting to do something a safer, possibly better way. But only being present.
You know the boss man can't ever be present without us. Well, duh.

So did I say hilltop? Let's move over to that cliff again. Yeah..that one, where we leave this sweet comfortable place of communion and give ourselves over to our own wreckless abandon.
Because where we are, He is too.

So begins a new day, and one day we have to get this right, and one day we will make it to that finish line. ... and I'm far from close to it. I suck. But sometimes little birdies lead us forward..well, up..out..in...whatever...lead us on to new horizons.... and we say farewell to the hilltop set below the stars. Where the boss man speaks with His questions, and fills us with answers, and now we are moving....almost running. Let us begin.


So...what else goes on in my life? Obviously this type of stuff takes up 50% of my day. All this thinking and evolutionizing illumination spiritual growth stuff. The rest is divided between family and work, a little bit of conspiracy theory entertainment, along with analyzing the human condition, pets, housework, and unfortunate issues regarding health and wellness.
Possible new employees, check. Funds in the bank again, check. Sewing orders not death sentences of doom until Tuesday, check. A rather late coming convo with the stressed out hubby, check. A jump from the cliff cause we are going to have to get this self reliance thing mastered, check. Kids are happy, check. Pets are still alive, check. House is full of food, check. Bills are paid, check....except for a check to one of my employees who forgot to remind me to pay her before she went home. :P Sewing prep for the week done, check.

What else... plans for month include work, stuff, this, that, Halloween!, photoshoot!, picking up my chicken (Zaycon foods, real all natural chicken for only $1.39lb...Publix has the same stuff for 7.39lb..I know, because I have to buy it because the regular store kind has lactic acid (milk product juice) on it.) Looking for a refrigerator and a small short deep freezer if anyone knows of a lead. Probably have lots to do tomorrow and this coming week, but for tonight we aren't going to worry about it. Talk to you all later. it is late and I have to help with the girl's costume and then I'm going to bed.
And by the way. The boss man is awesome, even if He sends you little birds which you fail to rescue. :(

Oh...and the new 100 dollar bills show another nuclear missile, and tidal wave/tsunami in a big city.... and I heard somewhere something about a ship in New York Harbor.... hmmm. No one wants to comment on these whacked conspiracy theories?? Lol, dang I wish more people would share thoughts about those.... You all are no fun. :/ Some of you can talk about the Living Dead or Breaking Bad all day, but not anything closer to possible truth. I watch a few dumb reality shows occasionally, and late night talk shows....but these funny people on youtube are more entertaining to me, lol.

yeesh.... it's sooo late.

Guess what? ...... nope, never mind.

hoping for a break

ARGH!!!! So the last $200 cash we had stowed away is gone...well, except for about $1, lol. I hate being broke.
Just sitting here waiting and hoping that hubby gets to go to work tomorrow...as well as like every work day through the rest of the month too. And hoping I sell some easy simple quick sets, cause being broke is no fun. Other than that, having eggs and bananas again is quite nice. Really hoping the renters pay up closer to due date and not after I have to call them...grrr.
While we are at it, I also hope I get 5 orders completed by Monday. I hope unexpected money of substantial amount appears in my mailbox too (yes, that is always awesome!). I hope hubby's paycheck isn't as low as it probably is due to no work half of last week. I hope my fingers get better....(yeah, I sliced one cutting a potato and at least 3 others are nicked from stupid pins from all those appliqued tees I did the other day!). I hope no one orders an appliqued tee for awhile. I hope they won't (or will) get scared away when I raise the prices of those yet again. I hope I can get things prepped and organized for some new possible employees....and I hope they are really good.....but I also hope I have money to pay them, lol. My other 2 employees are awesome, but dang it if I ain't already broke, hahaha. Here's to hoping this is not long lasting. I hope I won't follow in the footsteps of the government, lol. I hope.
But we all know hope is this word that doesn't really do anything for us. We know it is there to fill in a space in a sentence. Its there to appear as if it has something to do with enabling good things to come our way. But does it....well, no, not really. It's more like some term we use to show how powerless we are to the forces surround and controlling our circumstances. Hope is nothing but a word. One void of action. One without cause or complaint. One without value. Hope is in fact not useful.
Hubby's check was not great as expected. And next weeks will now be just as bad. The renters will most likely be late again, and we won't hear from them until after numerous calls....again as expected. As far as sales....I can't rightly post new items until I have a cleared up order list, and etsy is slow to say the least. My fingers will grow back, no big deal. The check in the mail....well, it happens more often than you think. And for employees...I'll see what I can do with that tomorrow.
So hope couldn't affect any of these things. Nope.
So let's move on to better things....what does affect them....what can change them to make them not so irritating?
Simple. Don't let them irritate you.
After all.....it's just money. And everything will be taken care of in time. No worries here, even if they are a pain in the ass. Things will settle and times of better fortune will arrive eventually. When at least one things sells for me, it has been almost like clockwork that I suddenly sell 10 more just after....this always happens....like ALWAYS. Now with employees.....psh...sometimes you get the 'this is totally not going to work out' people....ok much of the time...and then sometimes, you find someone willing to learn and work hard at it and get better. Finding these is worth putting up with the painful experiences of 'searching' for good help. Of course there's still the issue of money to pay them...hmmm...
Now all we have to do is hope that this up and coming comet Ison is going to wreck havoc on the world...or not....and makes a spectacular photograph at least. Sweet. Of course after watching all my crazy people on youtube (whom think that it is the end of the world, lol) I've got to say that people are insane.....and I like it that way. I hope you don't take that the wrong way.

Please don't let me fall.

Let me tell you. Let me tell you. Someone must. Someone must.
Sunset, past sunset, where the stars become brighter, the planets radiate, and the world above is pitch. Atop the mountainside where the tall grass shifts in the breeze. The warm cool breeze of the night. Valleys pouring out before you and other mountains rising above them. Alone again? Alone still? This devastating lingering time of loneliness. But no, oh no. Not alone. Our own blindness shutting our eyes. Our own fears keeping us away from Him. Why can't we ever learn.
Defeating a fear isn't about facing it....not entirely. No, it's about recognizing it, accepting it, and repenting of it....turning it over to Him. These mountains, these towering fears we all climb....climb until they are under our feet.
"Lord?" She asks, or says...perhaps another day where He doesn't speak.
"I'm here." He says. Oh the relief of that voice....how long has it been...even a moment is too long, much too long. That beautiful voice.
"Will you carry me through?" She asked this, knowing she couldn't ever take another step on her own.
He gazes at her, she's sure there will be a yes....but He doesn't miss a beat. "No." He says ever so gently.
Oh how odd it is that she already knows what He means with one word....for she knows she is old enough to walk.
"But I will walk with you." He says as He takes hold of her hand. "We can climb together, side by side, until the mountains are under out feet and we are above the clouds."
Utterly beautiful He is. And we are never alone.
Always searching for answers she is...and so she asks another, before drifting off back to the world of the sleeping life. "I should write more, shouldn't I?" for its been a long time since something had been written.
He knelt down and faced her. "Write about me. Write about the stars....and about the one who holds them." He took her hands in His and cupped them. They were filled with the heavens, and the earth, and the life, and the love. How could we ever be alone.

Yay stories! Very beautiful stories if I do say so myself.
Let's play a defining game... Mountains=fear. Clouds=confusion. Stars=souls. Earth=your body, just fyi.

I'm actually hesitant to write about things that happen anymore. Here in this sleeping life. I really don't think anyone cares anyway. I'm rather forced into a predicament of just suffering in silence. And it's ok really. This sadness and loneliness and stress. It too will pass. Another season will rise, and maybe as the leaves die off, so will these crumbling times. Oh, but beyond the needs of the forefront, there's still this crazy joy....and this is where I'll dwell, until the sun shines again.

Well, it's late, I'm going to bed and hope this pain stops. Always hoping it stops.

Many leaves, one tree... that's what I always say. :) though I think I might be one of the first to fall :(

Nothing no no no.

A quick moment before bedtime. A quick hello from the netherworld. A quick fleeting glimpse of bliss and chaos entwined in a dance.
Took a train ride today. It was nice, although thinking a destination would be better. Somewhere warm and sunny, mixed with smiling faces and great big hugs. Somewhere with children running and clouds drifting effortlessly up above. Somewhere I've once been in a short moment....so short, yet, perhaps relived again and again to where it is unending. That place. Perhaps you too have seen it in a dream, or a vision, or a memory of a life long past. That place, where one day we will retreat to when the storms arise and the winds scream, and we like children crawl into a ball and hide our faces. that place that is our home. Have you not been there? Have you not yet seen it? Felt it?
When Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz kept repeating ..."There's no place like home." She was absolutely right. Nothing is complete and full of every fullness and wholeness and full of the All....then home. And I'm not talking about the house you live in or even the people you share it with. It all that and more....so much more that the word 'more' itself is laughable and cannot define such a place.

So it's been months since trying out this unschooling/homeschooling thing. So far so good. The boy now thinks it is cool that he can do math in his head much easier than it ever was on paper. I think he's actually using math on purpose. This is a nice 'oh cool, unschooling does work for reals' moment. I'm hoping that 'on purpose' ness will bleed over into writing and/or spelling, lol. And vice versa with the girl. I think all those years of math worksheets might have fried that part of love of learning....damn it. But they do say that it takes a month of unschooling to repair a year of schooling/homeschooling...so we shall see when that equals out.
So.....if any of you are business minded people, someone needs to call me or something. I need business input immediately. Things relating to finding people to hire, and magic ways to find money to pay them. Like now. Someone??
It really sucks ass not having friends. Think I'm going to go put on a mask and pretend to be someone else for awhile. My life is actually kind of awesome and blessed and even though craptastic things happen, I love it....but business wise, my real self lacks many aspects of ability to find creative able people willing to work...well, beside my 2 awesome employees. I need like 2-4 more with some skills and determination. Like now. And then I need someone who knows how to advertise photography....because that is much more enjoyable.
I keep hoping for the end of the world...world war 3...economic collapse...zombie apocalypse...spiritual enlightenment...alien invasion......but we all know there's a fat chance of that happening, so I have 26 orders that I will have to do, that's 26 orders....and many of those orders have more than 1 item on the list...and many have more than 3 items....and I freaking need people who can work! Argh.... because I still want to do the market, and I have a free booth to use at another sale if I want, and I have maybe 5 pieces of inventory.....ugh. I'm just 1 person with 2 employees.....and business has grown bigger than us....help.

But yeah, I don't have friends, so I will have to ask the boss man for some insight, and my very good friend for some practical advice, and then maybe the government for a big wad of grant money. Although that still wouldn't help me find employees...would it.

So....anyone having strange dreams lately? I had another one with more German agents of some sort. Not sure if they were military this time, but they were disguising themselves as a different nationality. I don't know, they were bad guys though. In another part of a dream, I dreamt of an earthquake (assuming it was an earthquake) in Oregon. It was listed as a 9.1 and people were screaming and running and the building they were in broke in half. Messed up, I just remember knowing I had to remember what happened to bring it back with me when I woke up. Whatever.
I'm outta here.... I AM T.I.R.E.D.!!! :)

Somewhere...beyond the sea....

"Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under
And it's peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under all
And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me"

Welcome. This is where you will find a piece....although the puzzle is scattered and partly hidden under the film of fear. So easy to break through. So easy to see through if one could perceive such miracles. Today is rebirthed...and tomorrow is forever. There's no going back, although one could forget.....we always forget. But we travel on the tides, on and on. Deeper and deeper. No, not till we find our place...our place is the ocean as a whole....we always belong, even if the roaring waves aren't too sure of that peace.
Just keep swimming....just keep swimming. Today we swim....tomorrow we exit. Like sugar poured in water....never leaving....only fading into something better.

Much going on. Too much. Busy Busy Busy. All the 'little things' suffering under the weight of the 'immediate'....or in my case...the 'immediate' suffering under the weight of the 'little things'. But priorities have been arranged....and its much less regretful to let those immediate things wait, then to miss even one little thing.....for the little things are what really matter anyway. And you already know that, I hope.

Long list of work, short list of other things that need done. But everything on these lists are trumped by warm coffee, rescuing giant spiders who lost their way inside the house, an over creative child who must have that costume item sewn NOW!, a cat that tells you when his 'mommy holding time' is, a hubby who need guidance in the best way to do whatever it is he may be doing, and the little boy whose not so little anymore who wants a grilled cheese 'like right now' even if you are in bed trying to sleep, the other cat that must inform you that his food bowl is again not full enough for him to only take 3 bites, obsessive urges to do strange photoshoots, and this problem that you are stuck on level 170 something on Candy Crush and since you only have 5 lives anyway, you might as well take advantage of it......all this prior to humoring that list, lol.
Welcome to my life scenario at the moment.
All of those little things accompanied by larger things that still outweigh the list as well...like finances or lack of such things, the headache of renting a house that is far away, injury and/or health issues, other stuff that isn't on that list, and these things just keep going. So those immediate things suffer....and thankfully the boss man is good at filling in the gaps and helps get things done.....I'm certainly doing a bang up job. psh!

Anyway.....Things are beautiful...always.

And it's over
And I'm going under
But I'm not giving up
I'm just giving in
I'm slipping underneath
So cold and so sweet
And the arms of the ocean so sweet and so cold
And all this devotion I never knew at all
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner released
And the arms of the ocean delivered me

Holy "....." Batman! O__O Look at that.....just look at that.

I no longer think that I'm the problem. Nope. It's not me who is unwilling nor unable. Perhaps a slight lack of focus and energy, but not my fault.
You see...there are signs along the road. Things leading you to 'do' a certain task of sorts. You see them daily, these synchronicities...coincidences per say. And you know they are sign posts. But...to complete these tasks, one must pick up the tools along the road that aid in the completion of such tasks.
Someone is hiding these tools, I do believe. So we must go on little hunts, little challenges to gather these tools. All the whole trying our best to continue forward on the road itself! To not forget the signs while we search for the things that help us do what the signs are leading us to do! Get that?
Ah, yes...the wicked angel playing his tricks, trying to deter you from doing something important. Hiding tools in along the roadside, in the bushes, burying them to keep them out of view....trying his best to lead you into doubt. Trying to make you forget. Trying to make it harder so you become frustrated and curse the signs.
Ah...yes, but I know this game well. You may try to come through the back door, but you can't win this game. Ya see....I have all the cheat codes.
It may take me a bit to remember which game I'm playing, I admit, I suffer from a serious form of spiritual amnesia. But once I get that figured out, or remembered. I still win. Hope you had your fun while it lasted. Bye bye now.

Did I tell you? I decided to scrap a whole outfit and make a new one, since the first wasn't making me all happy. I have 2 more days to get it finished. O__O
It is cut out. I did prep all the appliques for it today as well. Will sew it up tomorrow, and hopefully get the appliques sewn on it too. then Sunday I can finish it up. And ship Monday.
It would be so nice if for once things worked out like they could.
Sometimes they do though. Yep, sometimes they do.


I'm going to call that little rotten one who hides 'tools' and complicates important work mr.J ...which stands for the Joker....Jester....Fool....Jealous Loser when he loses this game! Ha!
Want to know what he's up to? He's making things like red food dye hard to find in the store! But tis okay, Batman has provided and brought it to me via mom.
mr.J likes to make something simple like a old baby blanket (or something that looks like one (and can get stained) not available. But tis okay. Batman will save the day yet again. Just need to shine the signal, lift our eyes up, and let Him handle it.
Then I can do that 'task' those signs are leading me to do.
Of course though....mr.J will send his minions out to try and sabotage my efforts, probably get some negative feedback (I'm expecting this actually), and attempt to inject fear or doubt into this process.
Ah yes....but Batman is on speed dial. And He's already given me the cheat codes. Sorry mr.J, we haven't even started and you've already lost.



So the other day was rather insightful. there's this unschooling facebook group I linger on occasionally. And one lady on there posted something that to me was quite insightful..........
"part of unschooling us grownups is addressing the mental tapes we have left over - things like "being productive" and "not wasting time/money" and "earning what you get" and "following through". We can do things just because we want to, because it looks interesting, and stop if it no longer meets a need/want. We can get/explore things we want when we want and if there's money involved, figure out how to get it rather than having to wait for a holiday or something to 'earn' it. Basically, treating ourselves as gently and lovingly as we do our kids and encouraging our own passions within ourselves no matter what it might be. It's getting ourselves one of those balsa gliders at the fair even though we know they have a lifespan of maybe an hour of use (instead of letting the tape of 'it'll break in an hour, it's a waste of money' rule)."
........... I suffer from this type of trauma. This dialogue of thinking things must 'produce' something to be of worth. but in fact, things can just 'be' and be beautiful. Not everything has to have purpose. Even if we 'feel' lacking on the scale of productivity or purpose or meaning.... doesn't mean we are lacking at all. Perhaps more full. ... the cup that runneth over.... we are just getting wet and aren't sure where to pour out upon. Silly cups. I'm pretty sure someone is thirsty, but we might just be blinded by the bubbles. So fill up, then pour out gently upon the parched earth.


God bless my very good friend. Just saying.
Dang....it's late (or early depending how you look at it O__O!!)
Sleep is needed. Praying for all you people. mr.J likes to mess with everyone.... Batman can fix that. Just ask Him to....ya know, send out the signal...yada yada, you know the drill.

Driving rainstorms leave you feeling wet.

So tired by this game of cat and mouse. This seemingly never-ending game of hunting. Finding. Then once again losing sight. Does it always have to be my fault.

We were standing on the beach. The waves were folding and churning. Splashing and rolling. Continuously pouring onto land. The surface of the ocean never resting, never at peace.
This is our lives. Caught in the barzakh. The fine barrier between His world and our own. Caught in the churning restless waves of the ocean's surface.
Where are you now? And angry fed-up question. Annoyed from knowing He had stepped into another direction once again. Frustrated I have to keep looking, only to look again and again and again. This game of seeking. Seek and you will find...oh definitely...you will find. But He moves, and we must seek again. Following Him not just out upon the water...not just walking on the surface, but into the depths. This is where I find Him now. Deepness, this coolness, this peaceful calmness....this world beneath the waves. Almost silent compared to the crashing sounds above.
And we know He's leading us to Him. Even if we are angry and frustrated. Even if we fight it and cry and kick our feet and throw up our hands. Us spoiled children, always forgetting we have to grow up and fear not.

There's a difference but a strange sameness here in the waters. This comforting liquid that surrounds us, holding us aloft in the expanse. It's like being a star, but instead of nothingness like in space, there's something here. An energy. Comforting and constant. Listening and speaking. Enveloping all around.
His face is not as it is upon the waves, but more clearer, knowing its not a face at all. But a presence. A wonder it is to continue to follow after Him and all these new things that are revealed. Only to know they will be forgotten and let go once we play this game again.
Like running that race, and forgetting what was before when you reach the next checkpoint. I hate games. Like continuing on to the next level and what was before, what had been defeated is not longer anything but a scattered memory. A simple exhilarating triumphant win, and then we play again...onto something more confusing and difficult. How long is this game again?

Thankful for very good friends who make me sit down and analyze these should be obvious conclusions. Thankful I have at least one very good friend to talk to. He obviously doesn't care if I only have 2 other friends in the whole world who usually have no idea what I'm talking about, lol.

I'm wondering how unreal it is that things seem to be compiling upon each other day by day. things that are spotted or noticed in daily life are in direct relation to something deeper, and I wonder if these things are helping form connections to ourselves and our thinking. Like changing the way we think and act and how we perceive things. Idk. Interesting to see how things line up.


Ok, so back on a more physical level....work is still slow going. I'm hoping for a spurt of productivity to come along, so it doesn't look like I'm not getting anything done even though I feel like I do a LOT! It just so happens that there is more footwork and prep time involved than actual production time and it drives me crazy. I work bunches yet nothing seems like it is accomplished. then there's this focus issue....psh! The lack thereof to be more exact.

Ok, so I redid my to-so list...which I often do anyway, because once I mark off 3 things as well as make little side note of something else I need to do...it starts looking out of whack and I have to redo it in an effort to even look at it, lol. I am happy to say I got like 5 things crossed off of it yesterday, so I'm hoping that streak will continue.

fixing to go attempt some scrollwork engraving, and then go clean up the back porch before I cook dinner. Then, not sure, but it will be something either on my list to complete for today or finish cleaning up the back yard area, or involve something with the kiddos. Whom today are being rather productive themselves, I really do hope they add 'emptying the dishwasher' to their daily things of 'better get it done or we'll eat with our hands' stuff.

No words of wisdom today, but making sure one remembers that we must sacrifice ourselves and all that we do/are/believe/will become....and realizing....we are on the surface of the waters...but God is the ocean. Sink deeper...you won't drown.

Can you steer your way through?

Must stop by to write. Even though reality is yelling at me to step it up a notch and get 'real' things done.
But what is real? Picture printed, pictures edited, sewing, painting, cooking, cleaning? Are those the things that produce fruit? I suppose random thoughts and provoking inspirations don't cut it, do they? Or are they enough, if by chance they produce feeling, thought, ideas, beginnings, ends, change, stillness, movement, heartbeats, thunder, and calm? Maybe things that seem like nothings...are somethings. Maybe you just can't see the results right away. Maybe those things take time....like a garden. Like growing fruit. But maybe I'm wrong.

These recent weeks have been about control.
And how little we are in control of. Silly humans. Thinking we can plan and predict, and draw out our route with precision and security.
May we say something about how little we actually can control....which may only be our voluntary movements...and that about sums it up. We are not in control. We can never be in control. And this is a wonderful thing.
There seems to be only one way to sever ourselves from this turmoil of 'trying' to be in control....and that is to give it up. To give up our measly attempts to conjure up some rational safety net, to give up our sense of having provisions, to give up our ideas and thoughts about how we can prepare and 'fix' things, or how we can do A and B to get C. Hahahaha. Silly humans. No matter what we do, we are not in control, and thinking we are is silly. When it does work out like we hope, it's because it was meant to, to bring us where we need to be. When it doesn't, it's because we need to be somewhere else...or some'time' else. We are just the story, not the author.

So what's new here in 'real'ity? Sewing work...oh wait, that's not new.
I just ran out of ink...which means I can't cut out any more appliques...which is totally fine with me! for now anyway.
I really do have to sew tomorrow though. I'd like to take pics, but its hard to focus....like really hard. Ugh. No pun intended.
Lots and LOTS of other things that need attention are piling up, so I'm hoping things will smooth out soon. This is where we know we can't control the outcomes...only to place that faith into a higher account with the boss man who can totally handle it all. Reminds me of house buying...bunches of chaos and no way to 'fix' it....but the boss man had it all figured out from the start....and everything just falls into place...because He put it there for that purpose all along. I'm almost super excited to see how things work out....while doing my best to ward off stress and worry, lol. It will be wonderful, just gotta remember that patience is always required.....and that too will be sent my way because I can't for the life of me create it myself.
Other than the chaos.....
I'm in the very early stages of starting 2 new businesses! Lol. Although I'm a bit disappointed that I haven't had focus time to work on the photography like I want to....because of business #1 which usually pays for groceries, gas, and taekwondo for the kids...and so, all else must follow after. BUT business #2 (aka: photography) has some in the works photoshoots....but we are waiting on things like props, not so hot days, and a slot in line with business #1...because I have to make some things for a certain number of those photoshoots.
#3 is in research stage still....but I'm planning right now to bring it into 'let's see if this is worth my time/energy/patience' stage. In other words, test stage.
Biz #4 is due to a wild attempt to impress hubby, lol. But I know I can totally rock it out. Just need some of that time/energy/patience to come my way. My first sample test is sitting behind me.....but the fact that if I do succeed in not giving up and my attempts not turning out 'eh'.... then it has the possibility for making big bucks. And money, my friends, just so happens to be one of my ambitions....hence the reason I still have business #1 even when it drives me batty!
Of course, I'm not really attached, so I'm okay with just cashing out and go spend my time playing piano and writing my book.....cause Book 3 is starting to get too full in my head...and will have to come out soon....my writing laptop has been confiscated by the 11 year old, but until I can get either her or me a replacement....when I'm ready to write...I must regain possession.

haha.....My story... in book 3....ends with a really really good part...which just today seems to coincide with something 'real' ...or real to me anyway.... and I think it's awesome.


sooooo......nothing much else I can write about on here. I can say that taking medicine sucks, and some doctors suck, and I think lawyers so far are pretty awesome....assuming they are on your side of course!
Renters are...uh...not really fun, so please refrain from ever being a landlord. What a PITA! Would be so nice if someone would buy it instead. One of those things that need attention....oh, but no one answers their phone nowadays even when they carry it in their pocket.
Want some random thoughts? Of course you do!
the other night I dreamt I was on a train and we all were in some group, like a class or something....and Johnny Depp was there dressed as Jack Sparrow...and I was so excited and happy for him to come sit by me and he was like 'I don't think these other people know who I am' because they were ignoring him, lol.

Ok, I'm tired, going to bed. Can't think of anything else important. Later gators.

No officer....I don't have rocket fuel behind my back....

Each day, convictions add up and the tipping point is coming and there will be no more exits to turn around. Like wildfires....the campground has been set ablaze and it will soon be too late, too late to snuff out the flames. The campers are sleeping...and we watch it burn....wake up, wake up....
Call this the coming judgement....there isn't any time left to pour water on the camp fire....the camp fire has grown too big and has already reached the edges of the tents. Soon....very soon....it will spread among the trees..and the forest will be engulfed in a blazing dancing whirlwind of a beautiful inferno. Wake up....wake up.

Something inside of me wants to just watch it burn. Wants to let the sparks light the sky, wants to let the sleepers sleep. But is there really a choice in that matter. We shake them and call out to them....yet they do not stir. We grab hold and try to drag them out to save their lives, yet they have chained themselves to their tents. Stupid, stupid campers. We try to put the flames out....but they have grown far more alive than we can contain....spilled out and now gushing forth, crawling along the ground, pouring across the land. Too late, too late. Wake up....wake up. Save yourselves...for it will be the only choice you have left once the firefighters leave.

So that probably means more that you realize, and covers more than just one topic. It covers 1:conspiracy theories, it covers the 2:schooling, it covers the 3:kingdom come...and the 4:kingdom go.....Want me to elaborate?
Sure ya do! :)
1: this country is going to experience something traumatic very soon in regards to the government. If you don't know what I mean, then you are one of those sleepers, it's rather overly obvious to the point of so much so nobody cares except for those who want it to crumble. You won't hear about it in the paper or on the news....but it's all over the place. And brother will fight against brother once again. Dark clouds are forming and everyone is complaining of more coming rain.....but oh no...its not going to be just rain. Your umbrellas won't work.
2: what a joke. the school system is a joke, homeschooling is a joke. One big joke. No school here ever freaking again. At least that is not what we will call it. Life learning...yes. That sounds better. Take your 'school' and stick it. If anyone thinks some test, or percentage, or age, or grade, or worksheet completion is going to make my kids qualified or unqualified, you need to wake up too.
3: ah....yes. Kingdom come....but its not the Jesus coming in the sky that you've been taught. He's already here, and if you can't find Him while He still can be found....you'll be the one burning in your tent. He's coming on the inside, building His Kingdom, on the inside, inside of Us. Writing the Book of Life.....we are the Book.........please tell me you can tell the difference between one and the other. Can you not tell the difference between the good and the bad, and can you not tell the difference between right and wrong....wake up. All these muddled dreamers with their heads in the clouds and if you can't see Him parting those clouds, you need to wake up. Not look up to the sky outside...look to the heavens on the inside. Once you start seeing things outside...it will be too late, much too late....and there will be no way out because the forest will be burning all around you.
4: this kinda goes with number three... Things are too black and white and soon there will be no more gray. Ever patient...but He can't wait forever.....it's not His choice. He waits, giving us time to wake them, to cut their chains, to hold back the flames....every second counts... but it must be burnt. Nothing new can grow with the old. wake up....wake up.

WheeEEEeeeeEEE! Fun times. All this rocket fuel and such....

On another note... it's almost time for dinner. I hate food. ugh. ...well, unless I'm starving, but I hate eating too, so well...food is no fun, unless it's pizza....or lasagna, or doughnuts I can't even eat... :(
Sewing work needs done tonight, 3 orders to finish and ship out tomorrow. 3 more to work on Tuesday night...and more after that, however it's the last stretch and these so can get done if I work hard and put my mind to it......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I despise that stupid positive talk like that, how fake! I'm not gonna do anything and if the boss man wants it done it will get done (usually with help from my hands) but I'm not really there... ;) I'll be working on my book #3 which I'm gonna start writing here soon. Maybe Saturday.
After a photoshoot of some sort, because those are much funner than sewing appliques!

I have 2 free dogs someone needs to come pick up too. And looks like my mediator skills are being put to the test....guess that planning procedures are in order to handle that matter. yeesh. I'm sure there is probably more going on that I can bring to mind, other than I finished part of book 4 in my head! Lol. Cleaned house today, upstairs anyway, and probably need to do downstairs too. Along with painting, because that awful color in my sewing room is not in compliance with productivity. Good day to you.

No barricades in heaven

This gate will remain open. This gate....will remain open, yet....only those qualified can enter through. The security has been replaced with the best guards, nothing shall get past unless He permits it to.
And has He ever. Thank you.

Standing there....silent, feeble, motionless. One would think these illusions weren't so obvious, they are though, so much so you think they are real because they look so fake. If this is the way it has to be to cure me from the relapsing amnesia, so be it, and I thank you.
And the witnesses...the blessed witnesses, we would be so lost without them. After that wretched encounter last night, today's thunderstorms brought with them both the first and second, and these things are gifts. These wonderful things that find their way to me. Beautiful coinciding miracles, perfect.


So my head still feels all pressurized and I feel like I'm on a boat. Nice way to waste away my summer for sure. I canned 2 more jars of green beans today and cut some fresh lettuce, and hopefully spared myself from touching anything itchy outside. Still have sewing work to do, but I'm a little still in shock from finishing 2 orders yesterday and having encountered these awesome coinkydinks which has again honed my ever growing agenda on eternity. However I'm afraid that certain hicks from dunlapia are in need of a lashing, due to their ability to take what isn't theirs. I do have a tendency to believe in karma, so they will have to pay that back with interest. Too bad they won't realize why their lives are never peaceful. People just don't get it and even though I'm a bit empathetic to their dilemma, there's not much I can do to assist them in seeing the stars when they refuse to open their eyes.
This thought reminds me of Him, standing above the pit. The screams coming from within it. "Do you think I would ever place one of my children in there?" He would ask, pain painted across His face.
Of course not. Of course not. But what can be done if they jump in on purpose. Grab ahold of them?...what about when they gnaw their arm off to get away. Close the pit?...what about when they writhe on the floor in agony because they want to feel the pain. Their gates are open to the dark, and the darkness is all they know. Only quick lightning can waken them.....oh, but they are afraid of the thunder...and the thunder must come too. So afraid are they....and for these is why He waits. Ever patiently. Ever patiently.


I am freaking dying to go take pictures :( and to feel better..... sad panda :(


"Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth." - Ludwig Borne

just forget it.....

The book had ended. And He wrote the last few entries onto the bottom of the last page.
I watched Him. "Now what?" I asked. He smiled and took hold of another type of book. This one different. Not old and tattered like the one the was now full. The new one was crisp, clean, and white pages forming a wide ridge upon the side. "We begin a new story." or something to the effect, He said. "But this one, this one will be even better. The pages never end."

It wasn't long ago when we were just infants. Completely at the mercy of those who held us. Perhaps as toddlers we learned to only trust a few...then less and less as the years went by. Adults are those who trust the least....and we shall die because of this. Unless we become as children again. Trusting like a child the one who brought us forth. Completely. Being at the mercy of Him who beholds us in these final days. Let us trust.


So it's now July 1st. And where are we now. Much has been gained these past few months and there's been a whirlwind of chaotic storms and mercies, and there is still more enthralling encounters yet to come to pass. Much also has been lost...and like the closing of an old book, there are some things that seem lost forever. Not all one would wish to lose, although some have been waved farewell remarkably quick. This changing...this new birth. The first stings of air and of frustrated coldness. The loud crackling sounds and uncomfortableness of an unknown security. Blurred lights, sudden changes....all these things fresh to the senses of this small helpless child. And we all know we can't get back in, back into that warm, safe abode.
But it's ok. Because we have found ourselves in new arms. Warm, strong, safe arms. It'll be ok.
Things will be made known, and truths will be revealed, and issues will be solved and we will no longer have to tread through these turbulent waters alone.
"Fear not, for I am with thee." So little does He speak, but sometimes it is for the better...so we remember when He does. I always forget this, perhaps maybe in this new book the amnesia thing will go away and I can gain super powers of remembering important things, especially the important things. Maybe I can also recall that throwing temper tantrums to get results may not be the best way, and maybe I could think of something more peaceful to say....even though I don't really have to ask anyhow. I promise not to ask twice.
My very good friend is a blessing to me lately, and even though in real life, have no friends, I'm afraid no one could even come close to friend status if they are compared with him. But, luckily I don't compare...or judge, or do much of anything bad. You'd think I'd be more likeable. But I'm just socially weird and have no clue what to say. My main points of interest revolve around spirituality, end of the world scenarios, unschooling, conspiracy theories, aliens, the human condition, love, and random chunks of craft art with a purpose.
Speaking of human condition, we just watched that move called Warm Bodies....with the zombie kid who was changing back.... this silly movie just did a rehack into my central nerve bundle of cells that has to do with having a glimpse of hope for humanity as a whole. People changing for the better...eventually. Of course they will....eventually, but it will take time, and this life just isn't long enough to see this change. I'm rather glad I haven't been exposed to bad people anytime recently, as that would probably take a big hunk of foundation out of that notion of 'all things work toward the good of God' idea. Not that it is just an 'idea'......but still....I like to continue to think happy thoughts.

Sewing work still needs working on. Appliques too. House cleaning, gardening tending, cooking, bathing, and whatever else the week is sure to include. Probably call doctor tomorrow, but we all know most likely nothing will be answered. Bill paying, organizing, and possibly some bread making lies in the wings for the sunrise.

Must go...too tired. I'm outta here.

Armagedden...slow and meant to be...

Things always move in slow motion. Very slow, so you can take in every sweet moment, even if some are more pronounced in sweetness than others that almost taste bitter. There is happening an exodus at the moment. And it's thrilling and wrought with unexpectantness so much so as being both enjoyable and overbearing at the same time.
Great things are on the horizon. Very much so. I'm excited, yet glad things move in slow motion.

Speaking of slow motion....sewing work seems to be matching that speed. I work at least 4 hours a day, not including emails, marketing, packaging, labels, and researching. The 4 hours is sewing or prepping appliques. that 4 hours also does not include fabric shopping, design planning, prepping my assistants work, or sending out invoices. So if you want me to be honest, I feel like I work no less than 10 hours a day.
Thinking time to do a price hike is in order. If I had more time to devote to creating than trying to beat the mailman, customers would be happy to pay the price. I no longer feel some of my recent rushed designs are on the scale of 'amazing' anymore (though at one point they were). We can't be having that, now can we. So there will be a much needed overhaul before Monday arrives. (or I'll do it Monday morning anyway).

To-Do list is long, yet, I feel confident that these 'great things to come' will be taking good care of it, no problem. I'm not worried about it. Frankly haven't been worried about anything at all....this is nice, lol. Though I would appreciate a big chunk of cash in my bank account to add to the exuberant reality of being optimistic.
Yard Sale tomorrow, some swimming, more sewing work. On Sunday: adventures and much needed garden tending, and price hiking :) followed by more sewing work that should have been done this week.
Monday is 'sew all you can the whole morning and evening because you should have mailed it all off last week' day. Tuesday is supposed to be do what needs done day, but that plan could very well backfire into an 'I didn't do jack' day, so we will leave that one to fate.

I should be working, but look what I'm doing! I had to come write since my youtube sister Anna is freaking me out again, lol.
But this gives me awesome tinglings that usually come when awesome things are headed this way!! Hope I'm not the only one! You are seriously missing out on all this crazy fun torturous beautiful insanity!

I don't think I have much more to mention tonight, but take into account when you feel you have a moment and realize that slowness is a good thing....even if you should have been finished with it last Monday. Stay joyful, my friends.

Squeezing down the chute.....it won't be long now.

"If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought."

So I got that book I ordered in....and so far I love it! It's called 'The Four Agreements'......and I do say so that even though it is written in super simple structure where almost anyone could follow it (I suppose) that the point of it makes the most perfect sense I've heard/read in a long long time. Intriguing, but not finished with it yet.
This read is somewhat freaking me out a bit too, as this state of mind changing seems to be coinciding with that womb thing....I'm almost excited, because holy cow....how can what comes next (and you know what comes next!) not be exciting!
Of course I do have this realization that there will be this short span of confusion and stress that must happen during the process....lots of stress...lots of confusion...lots of turmoil and waves of pressure. Ah yes....everything with a light side and the shadow that comes with it. But the light is what brings life, the light is what matters. And soon it will be so bright full of light that the shadows have to surrender to it.

This coincides with being exuberantly happy on a long term basis, yet feel like crying for no reason, a constant missing of someone you haven't yet met, having a major freak out because there's more work to be done than you's to do it all, and having your body suffer from this unknown sickness. ... and the kids are not fully better from their bout of sickness in case you wanted me to keep going.
All this coinciding...yet I find it fascinating and am feeling rather blessed to watch everything unfold in this life. It's like a reality show for yourself and there's all these twists and turns and I only get to see the preview of the next episode, but getting to see this preview is what is cool, only problem is waiting and wondering when it airs and wondering where the story will lead. Good times...good times.

I'm also rather angry as well. As I have no one to talk to about this nonsense. I have no one to listen to about their nonsense either...and I gets all lonelies.
My very good friend is cool, but he usually gets to hear my stories more than me describing my womb experience, lol. The boss man know all about everything, but He's working on something important right now and can't talk much about my theories and thoughts and reality shows.


Ok...so for stressful matters...I feel icky and my throat issue is still a pain in the ass. No thank you to the doctor or meds she gave me. The boy is better, but still slight cough and nasal stuffiness/drainage. The girl is sick today and now currently beginning the cough and nasal stuff. Oh yay....grrr.
Hubby is immune to everything, so at least I don't have to worry about him getting sick....just injured, ugh. Too much needs done...I have orders out the yin yang....and am 1 order away from closing to new orders until I can get caught up. The turnip greens and kale in my garden are spikey....are they supposed to be like that?? I don't think I'll be eating them....they look like weeds, lol.
I wonder if the government will put me on the watch list if I use a bunch of 'cue words' like Obama, or weed, or gun, rifle, shotgun, pistol, blah blah, explosion, all in the same sentence? Probably....well, nice to know you are keeping me in check....psh. This is the type of scenario that hinders creative freedom, art, evolution of the human mind, growth, and all the wonderful god given rights we have as humankind.
For example: I'm a photographer. I have these pictures I would love to create just to help open people's minds a bit. They would be quite possibly controversial. They would involve major key issues like gun control, freedom of speech, constitutional rights, abortion, homosexuality, abuse (all kinds), conspiracy theories, end of the world theories, so on and so forth...(and boy do I have a lot!) BUT and a big BUT...... I'm not free to do such things. For example: If I posted......... (STOP THERE....see I can't even post it.) I don't want people knocking on my door. I don't want people calling. I don't want people jumping to every damn conclusion there mind may think of just because they saw a picture that sparked a strong feeling inside them. It;s not my problem to keep you calm.....it's not my job to make you happy and keep your heart serene. It's not my responsibility to cover your eyes or ears or heart.
It's my job to give what has been given to me. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you can come knock on my door and ask questions which I do not have to answer. Or point your marshal law rifles in my face and force me to obey. I obey only one person.....and it certainly isn't anyone who knocks on my front door. The boss man has a key to the office, he doesn't knock.

Well....that was fun. I think I'll go find me some subjects to post pictures of anyway. Because I can.
Anything you can do I can do better....I can do anything better than you. (no, you can't), YES I CAN!!!!

Lol.....every time I think of that song I think of Donny Osmond and Elmo....they sang it on the Osmond show one day a long freakin time ago.
And then my mind wonders and I think of Joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat. Which I watched as well....and enjoyed it, lol. Which them reminds me of Les Mis since it's also a musical, which coincides with government intrusion.....oh dang, just can't escape can we.

Anyway.....go till up your garden and make it fertile for good seed....and let the bad seeds die away. I'm off to tackle some sewing work, because at this point, no matter if I sew all day, it's still not ever going to get done.



In the words of Horton, as he did everything to protect that speck.... "Even though you can't see them or hear them at all.....a person's a person, no matter how small."

Stitching us back together

The stars. That point of luminescent light that appears like a dot in the nighttime sky. The one you lock eyes with and zoom in and watch intently as it slowly begins to flicker ever so slightly...perhaps a flash of faint color. Is it even a star, a satellite perhaps? But you see it and there is nothing else when you look to it as it dances.
There was this book I looked up yesterday, and on amazon.com it will let you see a few pages inside it. So there was 2 or 3 pages that I read to see if this book was worth my time.....and then my mind was even more flipped upside down than it was just previously. A continuance of the spirit mind roller coaster I enjoyed just last week. I love how these things pile upon one another and like a child they point and go 'ooh, look, here's another one!'.
These....what do we call them....moments of time and events when you feel yourself being repaired so to speak. As we all are broken.....but these moments are when we feel one of the stitches mending us.
I think I might order this book, regardless of the $7 price tag attaches to it.
Now before, at the beginning of this roller coaster of healing......I was driving, to florida....it was a long drive indeed. But I just so happened to be flipping through radio channels, because thats what your supposed to do to keep entertained while driving for 9 hours. And out of the numerous stations, I stop on one...this christian radio station.....and you know I dislike christian music....at least 99% of it anyway. But I was lucky enough to hear someone who could sing and music that actually went with it all in the same song. Now I've heard this song before, but can't recall where/why/or why I can't recall it, but it was one of the 1% that I will stop to listen to. So I did.
Now while listening to this song, there were these signs along the freeway....I can't remember for the life of me what they were advertising, but they screamed out EXIT SOON, EXIT IS COMING, EXIT UP AHEAD, and so on and so forth for no less than 20 signs! Then there was this one on the other side of the freeway with Jesus on it....but I can't remember what it read, I think something about 'Have you made your decision?' or similar-ish....then those other signs were all like EXIT AHEAD, EXIT NOW, TAKE THE EXIT, EXIT EXIT EXIT!, DON"T MISS THE EXIT....and I found this rather intriguing to my simple minded self....I got a kick out of it, as they were advertising something lame really.
So anyway, that song was over and I begin flipping channels again, and came across Adrian Rogers sermon (ok, I'll admit, he's the only one I will choose to listen to if I had to) and he was talking about armor.
Not sure if I wrote about it on here, about the armor...and the helmet....and yeah...that stuff....but I found this and the song and the signs all exciting coincidences. Anyway, so I didn't take the exit off the freeway, as I wasn't even thinking about the actual exit ramp, lol...I was thinking more along the lines of exiting the world (or better worded, exiting being a part of the world (not like rapture junk)).... so Adrian goes on about fiery darts and very strange similar stuff that one of my adopted sisters talks about on youtube lately. So this freaks me out a bit, but I like it.
Now Anna (my adopted sister) just recently freaked me out regarding one of her videos that basically described the exact same thing in my head about the lamb in the thorns....and I was all like 'OMG!' (did I write about that here??? might have been on deviant art..hmmm) So this was all awesomesauce coinkidinkness!

So that book I read a few pages in....just added like the cherry on top...ok, no, I hate cherries...it added chocolate fudge....and now I'm trying to figure out how my brain is going to rewire itself with this new stitch in it.

So did I tell you what I found yesterday? of course, not I haven't written in forever!.... I solved all the problems in the world yesterday. Now the secret is not forgetting the resolution. I'm incorporating it.....and it;s going to be astounding....but a bigger word than that.

Let me tell you a story..... Once upon a time there was this little lamb. She pranced and danced in the fields while the sheep hurdled close to the shepherd....this little lamb ran to and fro and taunted the wolves that lingered near the forest edge. She was a happy little lamb, never afraid, never worried about getting eaten by the big bad wolves who always watched her playful prancing, hoping she'd fall and they could eat her.
Often times she would get lost, wonder too far away from the shepherd to where she couldn't see him. But he always came to find her and carry her back with him. Always patient was this shepherd. Often times she would get sick, and again her shepherd would find her frail and weak and carry her back to restore her. Often times she would dart in and out of the surrounding forest, sometimes in the dark, and again the shepherd would carry her back out to the daylight. Often times this lamb would just sit and grumble and avoid even looking at the flock, but the shepherd didn't mind, he would carry her so she wouldn't have to deal with those clumsy sheep.
Then one day....the lamb wondered too far into the forest. And there were briars...twisted thorns, darkness and shadows. Tangled vines. She was trapped. If she called out, the wolves would hear her and devour her. If she tried to escape the vines would pull tighter and she'd be entwined in a snare. If she tried to jump out, the thorns would cut her. The lamb laid down silent and waited. The shepherd would come. He would know she was trapped, he would come. He would find her and free her and carry her back out into the sun.
It took quite awhile, but the shepherd came. As always he smiled as he carried her back out into the field and into the sunshine. Ever patient is this shepherd, especially with this little lamb.
But now something was different after being freed from the thorns and briars and vines.... the shepherd carried her back with him but soon she was rolled into something else.... 'please don't turn me into one of those sheep' she thought. The shepherd smiled. She was rolled into something else....and placed into a pod... this pod was dark and warm and moist? There was some light that lightly smeared itself across the membrane around her. Sounds....although muffled echoed from the beyond. What is this?
The lamb was no longer a lamb....she looked at herself and could see hands, and feet and a nose, ears, slight hair upon her head....knees, elbows. What is this?! She was a child. A child in the womb, and she was growing fast and this pod was getting smaller....lights, sounds, what is this? There was darkness and shadows, but she was not afraid of them. The walls of her pod were getting smaller, but she is not afraid of them...the shepherd put her here, the shepherd will carry her out. But would he still be a shepherd then? Or a father?
She tilts and things squeeze tighter.... something will happen soon with this little child. And she is not afraid.

So you know where I'm at currently.....and I'm waiting for Anna to post something related to the womb...but so far all I've gotten is stuff about crowning, and completeness, and stitching, and stuff like that....close, but I prefer freak out stuff, naturally.


So have you ever went to see fireworks at Magical Kingdom in Disney World? They are pretty cool and all, but what is not so cool is when adults are piling up in the front blocking the view from smaller kids who keep getting pushed into the back so they are unable to see. Or worse, when there's a small space for a little kid to stand, and when the parent says to step in front so they can see...a larger taller kid steps up theirself after hearing someone else was going to move forward..... Or when taller adults press past others so they can get a good picture of a part of the parade, because they have a fancy camera.... I will never do this...its just a parade, really people? These were the only idiots I saw in the parks...besides the one mom who was angry because her kid was hot and tired...well duh lady it is hot and even I'm tired, lol. Get a grip.
So the whole entire idea is that people are denying others a gift so to speak. Denying them. Denying them access, denying them respect, love, kindness.....denying them. People are denying others access to things that are gifts. People even deny themselves gifts.... and this is the world's problem's all wrapped into one. -- People deny themselves love, and they dislike themselves, or doubt or feel unworthy...they are denying themselves love, denying themselves acceptance. therefore they are denying their spirit what it needs, they are denying gifts, denying God. They are standing in the way of the light, just like those adults are standing in the way of the children who weren't tall enough to see the fireworks. They are shadows... they have denied themselves and denied the light and refuse to let it shine past themselves. People deny others those same gifts of love and acceptance. 'You are a bad boy, you're not trying hard enough, don't do that, no, stop, do as I say, so on and so forth...they are denying freedom, denying acceptance, denying love. They do it to themselves, others, even their own children. they are again denying the light to shine past themselves for someone else.
Step out of the way. Do not deny yourself love. Do not deny anyone else that same love. Be the beacon.
This is how the world's problems are solved. Do not deny it.


Anyway....frequencies are awesome....even though I have yet to figure out how to alter a low one to a high one, or vice versa....you can only predict the future so far ahead, but not in detail when you consider frequencies. I might be on to something.

The boss man said that my very good friend is awesome!!! :) This is good news. Deposit for rental house has been gathered, good news again. Motorcycle sold, good news, kids will most likely get their green belts this week, good news even though those pads are expensive. More sales sewing wise are on the horizon, also good news. Told you it was going to be a great week, solved the world's problems and everything :) can't wait to be born!! Lol. yeah I know you think I'm nuts and have no clue what I mean :)


I'm sure there's more to share, but it will have to wait, I need to go cook dinner and then get to sewing work work and edit some pics later tonight :) FUN!

lack of sleep makes one.....

It's 9:30pm-ish ...I've been awake for 33 hours. Minus this half spent 30 minute time frame between 11 and 11:30 this morning....
Not really tired, just zoned out.
Should be working right now as well.....but I thought I needed to come here first.
Don't know why just yet...maybe it will come in a few.

So I have sewing work to do...but its more like tracing and cutting applique work....then sewing appliques.....I rarely get to sew at all anymore....which is way way funner....and dare I say faster/easier/better.But appliques are what needs done....like earlier today they should have been done, but alas....they are not.
I did get to edit photos for a bit this morning while on my anti-sleep mode. Still have a just a tiny wee bit more, like really a little bit but need to get priorities straight sometime or another and that is thirst on the 'list'.
I'm missing the boss man, and my very good friend, both whom I haven't had a decent chat with in a while. But I think I'll take this next coming morning and visit....and hoping the sun will be shining again....as the rain seems to make things sluggish.
Updates.....since I can't remember when my last update was and I'm too lazy (or more like anti-distractable) to go check.
Kids still are liking taekwondo, The boy very much so that he is already very interested in being a junior trainer when he makes it to a blue belt. The girl is her ever 'you won't see me get excited, but yeah I like it' mood, but she still is enjoying it from what I can tell.
Sewing work....my life at the moment...at least until the 23rd of the month....Is booked solid for the rest of May and probably the first week and a half of June. I do like this though. As since the house on the mountain is sitting without renters, money is a gift that I am very thankful for....to pay those taekwondo fees, and buy food/gas/and stow away spending money for vacation.
Photography work, going good, though it would be much nicer if my to-do list wasn't so full so I could focus on the more....its like having adhd, but the h part only shows up in regards to taking pictures. And only if the 5 or so very important orders are finished....*sigh
Homeschooling....we no longer do 'school' at all, but more of a life learning process. It seems to be working rather fantastically, and even though I quiz the kids with random trivia, they seem to either get it right or listen when I explain the right answer....that or look it up on google. We made puppets last week (mine is sadly sitting unfinished) and i'm still wanting to do a math week, whenever I actually have time to focus again on things other than those 5 immediate orders that need done this morning.
Running a business is just that....a busy-ness.. And its great and ARGHHH!!! and UGH and HAHAHAHAHAHA! and GRRR and WHEEEeeeeEEEEeEeEeE! all the time and mixed up and jumble and random forms of those to where you'll never know what the day will end up like. I can say my day will end up in ZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ's for sure. I have something to attend in the morning with my coffee. My coffee and a few of my besties.
must go now...lost interest writing ...

so....just a thought whilst reading the news...........10 women in a limo that catches fire, 5 escape, 5 die....while on a toll bridge (San Mateo)....Ummm....coincidence....San Mateo means St. Matthew....Matthew 25 in bible refers to the 10 virgins (women) who went out to meet the bridegroom....(which happens to be where these women in the limo were going, as 1 was the newlywed bride)...5 were foolish and didn't make it, the other wise 5 were prepared and ready for the bridegroom and left with him.........Coincidence?
Not saying we are going anywhere....but things are vibrating at a very rapid frequency....keep watch.

grumblings for tuesday

Today is one of those days where this 1 little customer shows up to ruin your whole day.
This is where we get to the point of wanting to quit our job again.
Now it wouldn't be an issue if it was a mess up on my part....as I am all for remedying my mishaps....but no this is due to the customer not liking the shade of the colored shirt.....because it doesn't match a skirt she needed it for....
I can't guarantee such things....you say yellow, I get yellow....you say blue, I get the only blue I can find....WTF. Not like I have a huge colored t-shirt store here and the skirt to compare with each other...ugh!
And this falls on top of the fact that she bought many, so she got discounted....which falls into that category of "charging less = less of a customer"....and this is the main reason I will never ever ever ever do low priced sales again unless it is just for my 'best most awesome customers' only. PERIOD!

So I haven't responded to this lady's message yet...cause at this point I'm still irate and am so overwhelmed with the reprehensible ignorance of people today that I may say something the wrong way (well, the right way, but probably not in the best interest's of neither me nor her, lol)
So no response for now.....sigh

So...there was this video I watched yesterday about not altering your path to appease others, and not telling yourself that things are 'fine'...but to basically burn bright fire energy to get what you want....and I find this rather old school obvious, because we all already know this, but lack the actual energy to just do it. Or in my case lack money and a freaking top hat.....lol. Too many ideas and I can't get them done since they all cost an X amount of money. And well, the money is spent, or will be spent...as I have to get my garden areas built asap. Cleaning/clearing yard up this weekend. Getting wood probably as well. then dirt, then start all my baby seedlings!! Which I guess I could do now if only I could talk myself into it....but I don't 'want' to...and that's what we need in order to get anything done....or just ask the boss man to handle it for you.
Right now I just 'want' to quit my job for a few days, lol. I like the majority of it, but sometimes I need a vacation...like now....somewhere warm with loads of cash.

Today, I'm actually going to finish 4 Monster's Inc. dresses instead of taking that vacation. and probably work on another shirt that needs decorated if I feel like it and happen to have time. Other than that, dinner, computer crap, kid time, a well thought out response to the craptastic customer who shattered my customer appreciation nodules, and maybe some other stuff.

...and I want more of you

Pour out every last drop....and fill it with you....

He speaks....and I see it replaying in my mind again and again. "Take hold." He says as His hand is stretched out to me....to me and my failing. "Take hold."

And where is that courage? Where is that courage to step out away from yourself and your own plans and your own scarred ways of refusal.....that courage to take hold of His and rely upon it.
I pray for Him to bring it to me.....this courage.


I realize I haven't written in forever. And haven't updated either....mainly because I've been swimming in applique work up the ying yang. But I finished a huge order and have a random number of rather easy things lined up (yay!) only to be followed by about 3 looking to be difficult ones. Of course I have new things to be prepped and prepared in the meantime, but haven't had any focus time to tackle such things....maybe this coming week will grant me more productive time management to get those things done.
Basic run through....kids are happy and great and I think this mix of homeschool unschool is pretty awesome....I asked if they liked it and they said they loved it, lol....( I bet they do!)
Taekwondo great too, Skylar's stitches in arm thing is good, getting those taken out at the end of the week.
Hubby still good. Me still ok-ish, I'm tired at the moment (yeah, I know it's 1am, so) and waiting to hit up the dr. visit in 2 weeks...ugh! yeah for the throat thing....hopefully won't cost me too much $$ grr...
Still waiting for warmer weather, so I can get that garden started, and fix the stupid fence because the craptastic dogs like to tear it up to get out..... :P
That's tomorrow's task, assuming it doesn't rain.
House is a mess, but having a cleaning day Monday so it doesn't look like I neglected it all month, haha! It's not really that bad though, unless you are including my sewing room O_O
And do you realize hard hard it is to find 4x4's that are not pressure treated....ugh! I need 2 6ft ones....how hard can it be?! Even weathered with cracks in it would actual be perfect so I don't have to lay them out in the sun for 2 months.....sigh.
Anyway....nothing else cool happening, but I'll be sure to tell you if it does and I have time and I don't forget! :) aren't you lucky!


I had this dream once....where I walked out on the air...and that courage was there....there until that last step...and that courage had turned to terror...the fear of falling. And perhaps it wasn't 'not having courage', but rather the total and unhindered trust in letting yourself, your thoughts, and your ways give away to be replaced by Him/His....because He wouldn't let you fall...and He didn't let me.
In that particular moment, he didn't say this new "Take hold" as to keep from falling out of the sky.....he didn't say anything as I scrambled to grab onto Him....no, He was already turned around and had hold of me, long before I dared looked up from the distance below my feet. But now...that we've been walking into this choice...our choice is given....whether we want to walk with Him....or not.

I find this a challenge...this complete letting go, even though I've done it before. But this is a new kind...a new something.....and this rampant inborn disease is blinding and deafening and tries as it may to block out Him and this "Take hold.".

Let me tell you a story (yay! stories!)....
So there was this lady at the park...she had 2 kids, a boy and a girl, both averaging at about 8 years old or so. They were playing in the sandbox (well of course they were!). So next thing you know this lady starts getting irate at her kids because they lost some doll toy in the sand (yeah, they buried it, duh!) and she was carrying on and yelling and such and threatening and so on....
So I had this idea to go and help them find this buried doll....emphasis on the word 'idea'. But, we know how this story ends....
And I find myself thinking back as to the why, why, why....and the fact I didn't have that courage thing...and I was blinded and those screams were louder than my vision...and those shadows were darker than my light....and now when this time is revisited I see Him there in front of me with His hand outstretched saying "Take hold." ....but now it's too late. And why couldn't I see Him then....and why didn't I listen....
and how much we long for that fire to be set in our soul...that we can't contain....that we can't control......