little words aren't always little

do you know me? do you think you know me? just go away.
none of you really know me.
i'm all muddled in thoughts...so muddled its kinda clear.
this is what happens when rocks really are no longer rocks to rely upon, but pebbles that like to roll away and leave you without anything to rest your head on.
rocks that are rolling stones...rolling on top of you.
i can't hold you up. i'm dying under here.
and i'm not the regular everyday person. i can't speak the way everyone else speaks. i can't say the average things everyone else says. i can't look the way everyone else looks. I can't like the same things or do the same things, or represent the same things.
i catch myself when i feel i've said something someone else didn't understand, too embarrassed to repeat it.
you've made me ashamed of speaking....everything about me is wrong. thank god.
i've successfully became rejected by the world. thank god.
and i don't care about the big things and i care too much for the little things, and most of what i truly care about isn't anything you can see. i'm rather fearless and passionate, but i'm fragile and sometimes get lost. i miss people who probably don't remember me. i miss people whom i haven't even met in this life. i miss people whom i have met but don't talk to me. and even if they do it doesn't matter, i'm bad at communicating.
i'm entranced by people who i know 'knows' me, even if they never admit it. i try to look for those people i miss. but if i saw them i wouldn't say anything....because what i speak never says what i say..... seems there's a glitch from my heart to the sound waves. no one can fix it. i hope those people i miss whom i never met in this life show up sometimes before its over, or at least when it is over.
my people just didn't come with me this time. and this is what makes me feel lonely.
negative energy literately hurts, but no one believes me. they cause it anyway. medicines numb your soul, yet they take them anyway. money steals your joy, yet we want it anyway.
curse this land. i want to go home. i want us all to go home.


do you want to hear a story? of course you do, and i will be sure to avoid capitalization and correct punctuation while i tell it. ok.

Once upon a time i traveled down this long hallway....at the end of this hallway was a trap door on the floor. upon opening it, i descended downward on a spiral staircase....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...the seventh step where a door was in my midst....there were many doors on the stairway that went downward....but i can't remember what was in each of them....but inside each there was someone there to meet, whom then would give me s gift, and then introduce me to their wife.
so there was 1, which i entered into....there he was waiting. simplistic and humble. rather plain and quiet, not as gratifying as many other times. he handed me a small treasure chest. inside this chest was a large and very beautiful emerald gem, polished and gleaming in this dark room. greener than green....almost like the grass in the heavenly garden. what was this for?
he didn't say anything....so i asked to meet his wife.
there was this rushing of light and energy...this feeling...not possible to explain.. it flooded the entire room and moved in and out of us both....colors like a rainbow, waves of love and the unending joy rushing through....she was us...all together....everyone...everything. like a dance....one a part of the other.

so after this rather strange journey, come to find out that an emerald has many meanings....like faith, healing... we do need these type of gifts, do we not? .... and today.... even after my last posting of our impending dance... he brings me more gifts.... the rainbow of light and the gems in the treasure chest.... the second witness that confirms that my insane spirit trips are not unmeaningful, but rather gifts in themselves. gathering his treasures....and pouring them out upon us.
an incredible life this is. our remembering and our reunion over and over again. and it has nothing to do with us alone...but all of us together.
Intriguing, no?


i highly doubt you have any clue what i talk about....and thats ok...but keep in mind it frustrates me to know that i can't find anyone in the same chapter....i do read fast i guess, and pay the price for it quite often. this distance leads to that feeling of aloneness even if i know my people are out there (in here) somewhere. most of the time i manage quite well. and then there are days like this where i wonder if it's really me who cares or if its just human girl issues trying to steal my focus. whatever.
I also think it has to do with frequency and sound waves and energy...but i'm not a scientist and really don't have time to delve into matters such as that.
time.... i think that is a rare thing of late. i need to stay off the computer for awhile since no one talks to me anyway.... and i wasted the whole day and did not sew and did not do anything deemed as productive. I did help the girl get fur for her business and watched a sappy movie, i did watch the video about the treasure chest stuff (freaky! but i love it) i did cook dinner, i did successfully manage to hate the way i talk too....probably that was a bit counter productive... :( and now i just don't like anyone least of all myself. thank you for that dose of non-confidence.
i do however love my hubby, and my kids, and thinking of undoing something....but i'm not sure yet.
tomorrow will be better yes?


of course it will.... the ballroom is ready

Sandblasting your mind.

Sometimes....truth is found not in the adding of something new...but the peeling away of the old.
Strange how these things come to you, these tidbits that make you go 'huh'. Things you always really knew, but perhaps covered in layers of the grime that you were fed while still young. And they stick....well, perhaps we should really say that they remain, while the not so true ideals get scraped onto the ground.
But we knew all this already don't we?

And now where do we find ourselves? Maybe not you...no, there's not many people I know where I can say us...now is there? But it should be 'us'.....but you are still sleeping. They all are still sleeping....and the few I've seen are off in distant lands...although they are already part of the 'us'.
Wake up, wake up.
Waiting isn't as convenient and calm as we hoped. Step out of your slumber....out of the chaos and prison built around you. It's almost time and you will miss the ship. I don't want you to miss it, none of us do. You are one of us too, but you are still sleeping. Wake up.

So there's these 6 orders left....sewing wise that is. These 6 accumulate to 16 items. Not too bad. Only the fact that they still need done.
But see...there's this problem..... this tug o' war of necessity of completing them and the necessity of doing what 'needs' to be done....those things you already know, those truths...and aren't they more important. Oh the joys of prioritizing and scrapping the old ways and taking on new skins. Let it be so.
This is sure to be an amazing experience. Let it be so.
Oh, and the boss man. That great great awesome person I know....He and I are on the verge of a wonderful dance. And I'm rather nervous to tell you the truth.

In other worldly news besides sewing work....I'm editing photos (in a few minutes I will be anyway). I'm searching for some much needed relief in financial affairs, but we all know, everyone in the country is shopping for christmas...and they won't shop for disney stuff or boutique stuff until after then. I'm hoping to get my mini laptop induced with my writing program so I can start book 3! I'm also going to use this more available down time to work on that re-prioritizing plan. I'm sure there will be complaints at first, until those amazing things start happening of course.
I'm trying to remain aloof regarding other more pressing issues. Which is fine for now, but those of course will need to be dealt with soon. Think I'll let them just take care of themselves this time around.
Not much else to say. I've got to go redo my agenda list, then work on pics. Later chumpies of green flora power. We'll miss you... "How long will I love you? - As long as there are stars above you."

Sky diving into something better than here

hahahahaha! I love this....and hate it....this cliff jumping hobby of mine....especially that part where you seem to be watching yourself get closer and closer to the ground below. Always that 'back-of-your-mind' this is going to hurt idea when you can just about see the small pebbles of earth just below you.....and coming up so so very fast.
Many times I suppose we cringe and flee at that moment when we fear the imminent death of 'something' and never quite go through with our plans. The changing of our mind after we already have jumped and the ground isn't stopping, we are not flying, and there's no one here to catch us moments....this cursed double eyed syndrome....the idea that we made a mistake even if we never followed through with the plan in the first place...this pre-judgement so to speak.
Not this time. This is where the little green emerald starts to gleam....this is where we accept that the ground might possibly hurt. This is where we refuse to flee, even though we can't help cringing on the fall. This is where we trust that there is no ground....only more space. We are determined to crash through the walls of any box we may or may not see....even if it hurts. Let us fall. In fact, let us dive like superman and gain more momentum to find out what this cliff jumping thing is all about.
Perhaps we have a bungee cord. Perhaps we are made of rubber and bounce. Perhaps we break open the earth and that is where we need to be....there within...that place where we can slay the demons. There....because that is where He is too.

Well.....I can't write much on certain issues, as they require silence. But I will skim the top to say that doctors are absolutely whacked....at least one for sure. That certain people are very deceiving and untrustworthy and no, I will not feel sorry for them except that they just don't realize how much better it could be for them if they choose something better for themselves. That money is indeed a tool and its hard to do certain jobs without said tools. among other things....who really cares though.
More stuff to do tomorrow, so I have to go to sleep.
But if you are reading this and you're not family (or a customer, i loves you too!)....you suck. And I will tell you why when I feel like it.
how's that for grumpy....hahaha.....

That reminds me of a song I heard before, some kid song..."If you're gonna be grumpy, well, that's ok, but could you be grumpy a little further away...".... which I tell the wonderful girl twelve year old, often enough :)

you know what...I made cinnamon rolls tonight, I think I might go eat one.... (another one)