do you know me? do you think you know me? just go away.
none of you really know me.
i'm all muddled in thoughts...so muddled its kinda clear.
this is what happens when rocks really are no longer rocks to rely upon, but pebbles that like to roll away and leave you without anything to rest your head on.
rocks that are rolling stones...rolling on top of you.
i can't hold you up. i'm dying under here.
and i'm not the regular everyday person. i can't speak the way everyone else speaks. i can't say the average things everyone else says. i can't look the way everyone else looks. I can't like the same things or do the same things, or represent the same things.
i catch myself when i feel i've said something someone else didn't understand, too embarrassed to repeat it.
you've made me ashamed of speaking....everything about me is wrong. thank god.
i've successfully became rejected by the world. thank god.
and i don't care about the big things and i care too much for the little things, and most of what i truly care about isn't anything you can see. i'm rather fearless and passionate, but i'm fragile and sometimes get lost. i miss people who probably don't remember me. i miss people whom i haven't even met in this life. i miss people whom i have met but don't talk to me. and even if they do it doesn't matter, i'm bad at communicating.
i'm entranced by people who i know 'knows' me, even if they never admit it. i try to look for those people i miss. but if i saw them i wouldn't say anything....because what i speak never says what i say..... seems there's a glitch from my heart to the sound waves. no one can fix it. i hope those people i miss whom i never met in this life show up sometimes before its over, or at least when it is over.
my people just didn't come with me this time. and this is what makes me feel lonely.
negative energy literately hurts, but no one believes me. they cause it anyway. medicines numb your soul, yet they take them anyway. money steals your joy, yet we want it anyway.
curse this land. i want to go home. i want us all to go home.
do you want to hear a story? of course you do, and i will be sure to avoid capitalization and correct punctuation while i tell it. ok.
Once upon a time i traveled down this long hallway....at the end of this hallway was a trap door on the floor. upon opening it, i descended downward on a spiral staircase....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...the seventh step where a door was in my midst....there were many doors on the stairway that went downward....but i can't remember what was in each of them....but inside each there was someone there to meet, whom then would give me s gift, and then introduce me to their wife.
so there was 1, which i entered into....there he was waiting. simplistic and humble. rather plain and quiet, not as gratifying as many other times. he handed me a small treasure chest. inside this chest was a large and very beautiful emerald gem, polished and gleaming in this dark room. greener than green....almost like the grass in the heavenly garden. what was this for?
he didn't say anything....so i asked to meet his wife.
there was this rushing of light and energy...this feeling...not possible to explain.. it flooded the entire room and moved in and out of us both....colors like a rainbow, waves of love and the unending joy rushing through....she was us...all together....everyone...everything. like a dance....one a part of the other.
so after this rather strange journey, come to find out that an emerald has many meanings....like faith, healing... we do need these type of gifts, do we not? .... and today.... even after my last posting of our impending dance... he brings me more gifts.... the rainbow of light and the gems in the treasure chest.... the second witness that confirms that my insane spirit trips are not unmeaningful, but rather gifts in themselves. gathering his treasures....and pouring them out upon us.
an incredible life this is. our remembering and our reunion over and over again. and it has nothing to do with us alone...but all of us together.
Intriguing, no?
i highly doubt you have any clue what i talk about....and thats ok...but keep in mind it frustrates me to know that i can't find anyone in the same chapter....i do read fast i guess, and pay the price for it quite often. this distance leads to that feeling of aloneness even if i know my people are out there (in here) somewhere. most of the time i manage quite well. and then there are days like this where i wonder if it's really me who cares or if its just human girl issues trying to steal my focus. whatever.
I also think it has to do with frequency and sound waves and energy...but i'm not a scientist and really don't have time to delve into matters such as that.
time.... i think that is a rare thing of late. i need to stay off the computer for awhile since no one talks to me anyway.... and i wasted the whole day and did not sew and did not do anything deemed as productive. I did help the girl get fur for her business and watched a sappy movie, i did watch the video about the treasure chest stuff (freaky! but i love it) i did cook dinner, i did successfully manage to hate the way i talk too....probably that was a bit counter productive... :( and now i just don't like anyone least of all myself. thank you for that dose of non-confidence.
i do however love my hubby, and my kids, and thinking of undoing something....but i'm not sure yet.
tomorrow will be better yes?
of course it will.... the ballroom is ready
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