Sewing to Eternity in 5 minutes...

Spent most of the morning sewing...now my knee is kinda stiff as hell...yay...
But I have the entire top and back panels of the Alice in Wonderland dress completed...haha, I love when things get done and look so cool....but yeah, I still have to do all the ten thousand applique designs on the front...fun fun, but if I stay on track I will have this thing finished today!..."if" I stay on track..

Had a dream last night...not too whacked besides that the dog brought home 2 little alien arms...whole arms...
And it was kinda gross, but somehow they got zapped with some device and the alien came back to life (from the arms)...then we had to run and hide from the alien ships...because we had the alien kid...gosh, I'm so sick of alien crap...please go away.

Oh, and the milk free cheese is kinda gross when compared to kraft...ugh. Tastes similar to the cheapest crap you can buy at the dollar store...at least on grilled cheese it does.
...today I feel like I'm expecting something...but no clue as to what. Sucks actually

And I want to paint something....but 'have' to finish work first, or at least part of it...ugh......and I KNOW I should just do what I want...and disregard the 'holy shit you better get this stuff done before Friday' list. ...but I find it rather difficult when no one is here to lift up the shades.....




Darkened skies....lingering smoke from the fires of despair. Smoldering coals that fill the land and sear the flesh. It takes me back...back to the memory that was more than a memory...but a lifetime.
Pillars standing tall above the crowd of the masses that screamed from the lands below. Musty brown and red air surrounded them. Like smoke, like darkness. The people screamed and yelled and amassed together....so many...as far as the eye could see.
There were few pillars with distant sould atop each one...those who were lifted up from the chaotic madness below.
Here I stood on top of one...It was rock and lifted high above the smog and ash.
He stood there before me and asked..."Look below you, what do you see?"
I looked down at the dusty ground and said..."Nothing...dirt, dust."
"Then what is below you, keep it below you.... And look above you."
I looked up to the scattering clouds above. God.
"What is above will always be there above you. And those beside you?"
I scanned my eyes across to the distant pillars who were at the same level as me...I couldn't see who they were, but someone stood atop each one.
"They are for you and with you." He said.

And Him, standing before me...always there. Moving like energy inside and outside and within and without...in the midst, even when I forget. Always forgetting, until I look upon these moments once again...once again, remembering His eyes...His face...time is nothing when you are brought back Home, and everything is remembered once again.
This world is not your life....life is eternal....
got something to share that I thought was funny...hang on... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWk7RUg3ZV4 ....
If you are fearless, share your thoughts...I'm getting rather bored talking to myself.

Exiled

So today went well, although I am still stuck in serious unproductive mode.
Dished are still dirty and so is the laundry...sewing work that best be completed by Friday is still waiting to get started on. ...and I don't care.
I'll get to it Thursday, maybe.
But I thought of at least 3 other 'omg, that would be awesome' photoshoots in the last 4 hours............. if only I had a camera that would let me begin the work and let me make something out of these ideas.
But alas...I don't...and unfortunately I am surrounded by certain people who want to suffocate these ideas...because it'll cost $2000 up front or close to it...even though once I get started I can actually make money later...but oh well, i guess I have to continue to pour unending funds into that other job...which by the way has exceeded $2000 a long long time ago...and I am just now feeling that I may be making an actual profit...maybe. But oh no....that biz has topped out and I can't take it higher until I move closer to the beach...or Australia.
But the camera idea has just began...and well, I can at least take it as high as I can...geesh....is it so hard to let me take on another hobby?

Yes, I'm still a tad bit irritated and uncalm. Maybe I'll try to fix it later....but I seem to fail at everything lately, so I probably will just make it worse. But that's okay, i'm not afraid of failure like certain people I know.
Anyway...I kinda like hating on myself. It's fun to despise your talents and abilities and bury them so they can't be seen or be heard. To take every gift that's presented to you and hide the package away for none to see. To shade your light and let the darkness reign. Oh yeah...lovely. And all of this to appease one who curses the brightness of each and every light they see....cause they are so used to burying their own.
I'm being sarcastic, if you can't tell.
And anyway...I'd rather write about shit to this stupid ass blog than tell the world...cause the world is stupid and sad and doesn't know jack from jack shit.

Feeling so weird lately....where you can see the flow of energy and see the ripples of light through the reflections in the eyes...to hear the heartbeat of breath...the thundering radiating auras......sad that there are so few who haven't buried theirs yet....I don't want to be the one that digs the grave....don't want to be the one who rushes to die, who struggles day after day to cover the sun...no, not this one.
I'll die from the heat or from the scorching rays, melt in the arms of the life giving light...but I will not shield you from it, no...I'll open the shades and tear off the roof. Peel down the curtains, unearth the beams.
You don't have to look....but I do.
I have seen this light.....and I will not give one more moment to the dark....seen the face of the sun, and will be nothing but the star that is seated next to it.
We all shall shine like the stars...if only we do not give way to the dark....
Bear with me.....things will be unsettled soon....the heavens will be in chaos, the clouds will roll by swiftly and without course, light breaking through like beacons between the shadows, rumblings and earthquakes and tremors....when they come, smile and know that He is near.....and know that I am with Him.

the world is so lovey duvey...

See...all fixed.

Ever had an idea that is exciting and you're like. omg, yes, let's do it...but then you are kinda sad and not sure, but then, you are like omg, yes, let's do it, then you are kinda scared, but then you are like omg, yes, let's do it?
That's the feeling of the day so far, lol.
It's like taking a strange and unusual rock and throwing it into the serene lake and waiting to see what ripples are formed from it. Could be good, could be bad, could be exciting, could be sad...you just never know...hate not being able to tell the future, haha.
So anyway, besides this 'idea' we are exploring....as you can tell, I am procrastinating once again. I must go get some work done, whether it's the sewing work that must get done, or the schoolwork that must get done, or housework that must get done...sitting here typing of course is not helping any of that stuff get done.
and having too many other things to do on Monday isn't helping by putting time limits on everything.....argh! how am I ever going to get it done...
Obviously it would be to get off the computer NOW, but...I'm..writing...so I'll do it in a bit and we can play speed tasks...and try to get all the little things out of the way so it at least appears that something actually got completed!

But enough of that....let's try and elaborate about how debilitating it is to have grand ideas and other people to just squish them...man...that feels so nice and lovely...I just want to hug them...with barbed wire...really freakin' tight.
And let me also tell you that women in the business world SUCK ASS!!!! omg, some of them just need to go home and cook dinner and clean or something. If you can't do the job, freaking go home. Grrrr.....stupid stupid females who don't know jack.
Not saying all, but just the handful that I get the curse of working with....ugh.

Can't wait till the 1st, lol...Hopefully my paypal account won't look so broke and I'll make some sales or something...I feel poor...well, I am, but I don;t want to feel it too, haha!
Other news....the camera world is out to drive me crazy....and since I'm not allowed to do anything other than sew shit and cook dinner, I guess I need to wait until someone buys a Nikon D7000 with a bunch of lenses, for me...because someone out there has to love me still...somewhere...maybe...
Yeah, I'm only allowed to sew...can't take pictures and make money, can't skate and exercise with roller derby, can't do anything....nope. I'm a nobody and nothing and since sewing has already brought in money I have to continue to do that...
life is grand I tell ya.

So this idea (see above)...if it actually works....then I guess I still won't be able to do the other things that would be awesome either...because I'm not allowed....BUT, I would have to give up my guineas and that would open up a slot for a ferret....does that sound undermining? haha. Oh wait...but I'm not allowed to have anything I want either.....

where the hell is the end of the world when you need it?

don't tread on me....

Wellll.....
The past few days...ok, week....have been kinda rather ho hum ...boo hiss, grrr, type days.
Nothing bad, no, nothing great either, a bit depressing and silent though. However I didn't take that nice warm day for granted...man, I love warm weather.
I sewed some...not like that even begets an oh yay...more like, whatever...who gives a shit..
I didn't write anything here or work on my book either..unless you count a puzzle book I have. Nothing appealing to write about. Nothing to say.
Like one of those quiet 'I'm just gonna sit in the dark corner and observe' type things going on. Too bad there are shadows in the corner with me...and you get to be face to face with doubts and pleading whispers that say that everything that is real is fake and everything that is fake is real....*sigh
Like I said, depressing, lol. But I'm still happy overall, go figure.
Just difficult to be left alone and waiting in the dark....while waiting patiently for your memories to return, and waiting for yourself to remember, waiting for the little spark that you keep snuffing out to relight....waiting for this star to burn through the thick blankets I keep trying to cover it with.
I watch myself from the outside and shake my head....why do I do these things? why do I forget and lose myself again and again and again.....?
How are we ever to find our way home...if our memories get stolen, if we who are certain to fail, continue to fail to remember....I know this, He knows this...but still, I am in the shadows, and I see that I am failing...see that I have forgotten, see that I have covered the beacon..... and I can't do anything but wait for myself to fix it....and neither of us know how...

And Him....He's not here...
I know He's patiently waiting on the inside of her...waiting for her to uncover the light once again...why does she keep doing that? He stays silent and neither speaks to her or me, or even looks upon us. Another lesson.
Sometimes it's very hard...(that's not event the word...hard...something harder than just 'hard)...to be aware of these times. To be aware of what is happening, although, one may not know how or why, but 'know' that it must be.... 'hard' to watch and just growl under your breathe sometimes, and sometimes cry for yourself...because you can only tell yourself what is happening, but can't tell yourself what to do to get right...not that it is wrong, but you can't teach a lesson to yourself....just have to wait for yourself to learn His lesson.....


But I think I have a sad story...I'm not sure...and I think it may not have helped the previous issue either...
There's someone down Fredonia Rd who owns horses and mules... I think one of their horses died..
Well, the other day I saw one on the ground, and it was moving, but just not right...kwim? Now, I never had a horse and really don't know much, but it didn't look like it was rolling around all happy in the grass like horses do sometimes...it looked like it was stroking out..idk...one of the other horses were standing near it....
So me...thinks it's awful and have no idea what to do, so I keep driving home...
so later the next day, I drove by and there's this brush pile....like right where I think the horse was....
omg, maybe they are going to burn it, cause there's a dead horse under it!... It's so sad!!!
Of course, I could just be overthinking and the horse be fine and me just being sappy, but there's a brush pile there...a brush pile.
Now if I drive by Monday and it's a burnt brush pile and all lumpy...ugh...how pitiful is that...
Not that I could save a horse, but still...sad, just sad...and I've got no idea what to do about anything...the world's problems, my own problems....I can't do anything, and if I could, I couldn't do it right.

See, depressing, lol.
Sorry, I'm not all sad and sappy, just a tad bit pushed around by doubt and things that want to make me give up parts of myself.

Seems I can't do this or do that, or go there, or say this, or be that...not blaming anyone or anything, as it has been pretty obvious that we ourselves are in control of our own choices....but how much can one sacrifice? How much can you lose of yourself?

It may not be hard to lose everything for a certain person...even abandoning your own ideas and thoughts and even feeling about them as well...., but what about the other people? do you sacrifice everything for them too?
I'm not really asking the question though, so don;t answer.

You know what I mean though....about the releasing of self....to give to others. One part of you gives all and does all and has unending energy for them to feed upon...but then there's the little part that still clings deep inside you.....the one that just wants someone to make the choice for it to be allowed to breathe....
Of course, the issue with it breathing, is the fact that whatever life it has will not be accepted by anyone else. It will be thrown to the ground and trampled upon as dust...and perhaps in your fear you will take it back up and tuck it back down inside you...away from the glares and judgements....
Or you fight for them...and lose all else...we shall all die of this imprisonment....


HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats


I'm gonna go try to help myself find a way out....
and the next freaking time I wake up at 3am...I'm gonna be pissed..argh! the other night it was the stupid smoke alarm (hello!, no fire or smoke stupid machine!) then last night the stupid dog knocked over one of my swords (hell yes, I own swords) and it was LOUD! ...I don;t want any weird noises, alien motherships, animals, husbands, or guineas waking me up until after 8am (unless its something cool or an emergency)! Is this so much to ask?!

I may think about writing something worthwhile....

Want to hear some good news....?
Our income taxes came in 6 days earlier than we anticipated....and we hung onto it 3 days longer than anticipated....lol...
But now we are broke, however we will be saving a good chunk of change each month since we paid off 2 whole bills...haha...yeah, doesn't sound like much, but still.

And I have a gripe about EBAY!!! and those idiots on there who like to bid on an item (like the ones I'm watching) (more specifically a Nikon D7000!!!)...well they bid on it and bid on it until it goes over the price it is to buy it brand new!!! for a used camera...omg people!!! How can I ever get a good deal if you keep being stupid!!?? Don't you people shop around!?
Anyway, I don't even bid because it is way over priced before it ends anyway...ugh! I bid on one so far, but still lost, lol. I'm not being cheap especially when you type in the number 1920.00 in the bid box.... gosh, but nooooooooo, someone must really want it more and so they won it and still ended up paying maybe $50 less than brand new cost...ugh, idiots, I'll just buy a new one then if they are going to be piss assy about it all.
Nit too even mention the guy selling a lens with a scratch all over it for $100 less than new..wtf...stupid!! and people still bid on it!
So over it.....best buy has them for $1600...I know I checked....but unfortunately sometimes they are out of stock., they weren't last time, but the time before that they were...and best buy doesn't take paypal...lol...
I need to go to a pawn shop!

So anyway....I still hate sewing...though it hasn't been so bad lately...I kinda of just want to go take pictures or paint, but I keep forgetting to go do what I want instead of what I have to. dang it.
and I need someone to teach me photoshop actions...mines not working right :P...but it is most likely my inept ability to do it correctly...

Busy week next week, Roller Derby hell on Monday (yay!), Skylar's first music lesson on Tuesday, (fun!), try to go to derby again on Wednesday (maybe), skate thingy on Thursday with the kids and fam. (yay), and get to go to the school Friday to help with our anti-bullying campaign (yay?).....

Tomorrow is gun show....(yay), maybe go see a movie (yay), hobby lobby...(ugh), and that's it.
Nothing Sunday except catch up on work and writing....I'm on chapter 18 so far, but still have 2 more chapters...which would be easy enough to finish if I would just go in there and write it all instead of write about how I should write it in this stupid blog, hahaha!
but what fun would that be...
Anyway....I'm bored and don't want to go sew, so I'm loitering around here and making you suffer through my random thoughts until something useful or appealing comes to mind....hmmm....but probably not today....I'm bummed a bit that all my crazy youtube people I follow haven't posted jack in the last week...omg...how am I supposed to get my fix? I wonder if the government is censoring them...or me, lol? This sucks...it's like the only tv I watch.
Well....not much else new or old or fun to talk about... :(
Had another weird dream, but it involved rationing food (stations you had to pick up your meals from) helicopter drones that watched over the city, people in old clothing, not great food either(think corn, potatoes, rice, beans ONLY!) not many people overall, but it was dreary and people were quiet, and I had this baby with me (not mine, but maybe an orphan?) but no one knew how to take care of her, like they didn't know what to feed her or anything...weird.
There was a cute guy in this dream too, but he kinda of looked like the guy in the last Pirates of the Carribean movie who helped the mermaid girl...so since I watched that the night before..that's probably why, haha....he was helping me and another lady and the child get away from the drone things...

But anyway....luckily, no nuclear warheads this time :)

Other than boring, my life is great, stuff, I have nothing else to say :( ...boo....nothing else to share or educate you with...and we don't even have a word of the month...
but we can make one since the month is half way over! How about the word..... puke...
:) Puke sucks, especially when your daughter doesn't even attempt to make it to the toilet, but its a good thing if you really want to because whatever it is inside you must come out, and eventually makes you feel better when it does!!
Just thought I'd share, considering Wed. evening me and the little girl got sick, she felt better the next day, I felt better the next evening...so whatever that was, i'm glad it got out!! No fun, but I actually feel normal again today.
Germs are BAD and me and the Lysol took a long stroll through the house and I killed every SOB germ that was on things we touch... good times.

But enough about puke, lets talk about alchemy...
Do you think it is possible to change something bad into something good? Change copper into gold? Coal into diamond? A demon into an angel?.......hmmm.....what about a broken heart into joyous tears? Sorrow into happiness?

Do you know that song 'Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head'?
That is one of those songs that the boss man used once to prove to me He had a sense of humor....it was great, and He is CRAZY!

Gonna go, this just got boring.

I see a bad moon rising....

Whacked out dream this morning...

I was in a small town along the coastline....not too close to the water, but about 500 yards or so, up closer to where they had small shops and buildings. I was sitting at a large table with a bunch of musicians....(older guys..ugly looking too.) anyway, they handed me the keyboard to play with them, although I don;t know how to play the keyboard except a few random songs....anyway...while I was messing with that trying to play (because in my dream many of the black keys were missing)
A lady said she was getting cold (this wasn't like Florida weather, but more northern, not sure which coast.) So she went to grab her jacket. When she came to sit back down by us she just tucked it under her chair like she didn't really need it.
Then everyone started commenting on the moon that was out over the ocean. (Weird because it wasn't night time at all!) It wasn't a full moon, but maybe 3/4, but everyone was saying how pretty it was...and I was thinking to myself that it wasn't so cool...it was just a regular moon (really, I have seen better)...
Anyway, all of a sudden the moon got brighter, much brighter and everyone stood up to see...something appeared to have been shot from it....and the moon kinda moved sideways as whatever it was was ejected from it....
We watched the trail of this object coming straight at us (which didn't take long at all!!!) I remember it passing above and I stated out loud... "At least it won;t hit the ocean so we don;t have a tsunami!" ...of course no one thought that was funny...then what appeared to be a rocket/missile type thing was headed for a plane and I was thinking it was going to blow up the plane, but it didn't, it suddenly took a nose dive down into town. (this thing was huge and kinda fat looking...white with a band of yellow around near its tail fin thingy's)
We watched it land maybe 100 or so yards from where we were all at the table, it basically made a super bright light and fire and then you could see the percussion radiating off from where it hit....
Everyone was just standing there...I turned and jumped down to where the road behind us had a slight drop off next to a building and ducked....
I closed my eyes and covered my ears (I had gloves on???) and the blast was basically like a huge bomb that was slowly obliterating everything around it...but it was kinda slow (not like a real bomb) and while I was taking cover I could hear its destruction getting closer and closer and I realized that everyone in this whole area would be dead when it was over.
I was still squatting behind the part of the road and remember praying that I would accept any fate that He brought me.
Just after this....I was no longer at the beach...but in an old make-shift building with a few other people I did not know. 3 of them were standing in a room behind glass...it was some sort of decompression room?? There were two guys running the controls, but you could tell that this place was made with items that you had to go out and find (like maybe something after the destruction had come)
Then when the 3 people were finished, I had to go in as well as another lady who was standing nearby.
When we were in this room...the guy on the other side of the glass (one of the controller guys) asked if we had any cell phones or anything...because it wasn't good to have it in there while it was on....I felt something in my jacket (more like a thick coat) and handed it to them, but it was only a zippo lighter?? He took it anyway...then we had to stand there in the room and he turned on the machine....
There were fans that started blowing and you literately could feel yourself being depressurized or something...it was weird...I felt like I was floating and I wondered to myself if I needed to be in this room or not... I woke up just after this.


Well...yay for end of the world dreams... but I really think a tsunami would be better than nuclear warheads. Yikes!

That's me in the corner....

Came to write something else....but after writing it and reading it....and multitasking on youtube---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=xwtdhWltSIghttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

I'm rather...whats the word...words....
there are really none that can help describe.


But this song reminds me of myself....
Looking out from the corner...listening...and watching you all fall into darkness...watch you take tight grips onto your bricks...onto reality and hate....and I watch you in silence...because words are not strong enough to pull you out from your own darkness. I try to build great barriers to protect you from falling into the pit....that dark pit that reeks of sulfur...blackened brimstone walls... But now, I sit and watch, as you tear it down and fall in by your own free will.
I no longer cry for you...I no longer yell out to save you, I no longer plea for you to wake up. I no longer reach my hand out...no....not while knowing you wish to pull me in with you....
He stands nearby and I can see slow tears dripping ever glistening in the shadows as He watches you look down into the pit...you stand on the edge and look....and then you lean just a little more, a little more and let yourself tumble down into the fire...you no longer even know what you are doing...you don;t call out to Him, or anyone....you just fall with tight lips never wishing to speak or ask for help. You fall....and He still stands...hoping that before you hit bottom that you will call out His name....so He can end your suffering...the suffering you carry with you and bring about....the suffering you take delight in....
It is all a lie that you believe in yourself....but not in your dreams, not in magic, or hope, or faith, or life, or love, or Him.....you lost it in forgotten memories and you now deny it as if it was make-believe....because that is what the world has taught you to believe.
It taught you to believe that the truth is a lie and the lie is the truth....and still even though your soul cries it out again and again, you fight against it and cling to the lie that this reality and this existence is all there is....and the dream of Heaven or Nirvana or Peace or Spirit is nonexistent....

Love is dying....even on St. Valentine's Day.....(yeah, the guy was beheaded btw...)

I tell you not to go numb...I tell you not to give up and not to be silent, and not to do nothing....I tell you again and again....
But today....I watch you fall into the pit and my tears have dried up. I am numb, I am tired, I am silent, I am nothing.
What can I do....?
Even He has stepped back into the shadows now as He watches you accept your fate. He still cries, but you will not take His hand....how much longer do we have until He can no longer bear the pain of losing one more of Us?
till He can no longer see another one of Us suffer at the hands of those who choose death?
No more time left....He's stepping further and further away....hand outreached...ears peeled awaiting just one who may call out...anyone....eyes searching for just one more...one more...but the calls have grown silent...eyes are turned away...hands cold and lifeless...they do not see Him...they do not want to...because He is a dream to them, just like the world taught.


Je mourrais pour les rêves ... pour ceux-ci sont ce qui donne essence de la vie et ce qui apporte de l'amour et la beauté et Dieu.

life is but a dream....

..........there's a constant humming.
Constant.
It lingers about in the thick fog. It reverberates up through your spine and echos in your head. The sound of ...something.
Not loud, but not as quiet as one would hope. If you cover your ears, you hear it anyway. If you yell, the sound waves from your voice get muffled by the sound...what is this?
Perhaps another enemy on the hunt. One who attacks from the inside out. I don't know.
I'm alone in the fog....all alone. The others whom I know fight with me still cannot be seen or found....and even Him...where is He?
Lost again, or forgotten again. I'm not afraid...but I feel vulnerable.
This armor is strong, but it is only armor...and the sword...you can't slash at something inside you....without bleeding out.

I think I'm bleeding out already.
Scarred again. And often forgetting that this is not my life....no ...life is eternal...this is all a dream...one bad horrible amazing wonderful beautiful ugly dream.
When will it end? I want to wake up.


My life is an utter waste. Everything so trivial...so insignificant...so dead. I want to leave....go back home....there...in the garden....where He stood waiting for me...where He knelt down to lift me up when I ran into His arms. Where there was nothing else but that moment...that pure piece of peace....that...one of the only moments in my known existence that was real..that was everything...one that stands out as anything compared with most everything here....which became nothing when I was face to face with Him.
You have no idea....
No idea....you can't know until you see it for yourself...I can't explain it in words...
I can't explain it to myself even....
Thoughts simply fall back to the memory...but not a memory...an existence maybe...a moment you can relive over and over...and still fall in love with it unending...more than any memory. every memory.

"What makes you think you are further away than when you began?" He answered.
Why do I still think that, should be the question....
I want to fall....I just don;t want to live in this fog any longer....I want to wake up. I'm tired of fighting...of forgetting...of relearning...of bleeding...make it stop. I want to come home.....all of us to come home together. All of Us.

When will the dream end, and heaven begin?...This is not our life....our life is eternal....this is not our home....home is where your heart is...and mine is with Him.

"Hearts are burdened....but your heart is Mine and nothing shall trample upon it."


except on Friday evidently.

Can you bare the fruit?

Do you know what really grinds my gears?
People who have an idea to better the world in some way...but then after the initial omg, moment, they fold to the resistance...they talk themselves out of it..they give up, or worse, they hold on to it like it is all theirs and choke it out of existence.
No wonder the world is full of bad things...of greed, of envy, lust, sorrow, rage, hate, fear, vengeful thoughts....
Everything God tries to get through to us, people like that squander it away as if it was nothing....
If you can't or won't bear the fruit, give it to the hungry.

I'm so frustrated that people think they have time to do it later, think that certain things need to happen before they get started....this kinda pisses me off.....yeah, just go work on your own time...whenever you feel like it, forget about when God wants you to do it. You just go right ahead and sleep on it for a day, for a week, a month, a year....maybe years....until you die.
Thinking does not create things of beauty or love...it only gives you a glimpse of what is possible...but some decide instead to keep it to themselves....to keep it hidden....to keep it from fruitation.
Shame on you.

wtf people..... what gives you any right to think you'll get that tomorrow.
Piss away your day while nothing gets done, and then see that tomorrow is barren....you freaking cannot reap the harvest if you never sow the seeds in the first place.....yeah, you still have to water it and pull up the weeds, and all that other stuff.....but the harvest...what about the harvest?
Like having a child....It's not so hard to sow the seed, but you are able and willing to tend to the garden...throughout the good and bad...because of the harvest....
If I have to explain that analogy (or any of them for that matter) to you...you need to stop reading my blog. I will not tend to the little brats who sip on warm milk. You stand and walk or I'll leave you on the side of the road for someone with more patience to tend to. We have work to do here....and I am only explaining things from my view...but I cannot make you open your eyes to see it from your own.

Ugh...I'm out of here. I'm all disappointed in humanity as usual.

I wrotes you a story.....

School got done and I am quite amazed that the little guy can in fact read quite well...even though sometimes just doesn't want to....little stinker! And here I was thinking he needed to work on reading more...sheesh. Of course, he may have done even better had he not had to of coughed between every sentence.
Then they got to choose an art project to do...Skylar made a house thingy for the fuzzball thingys she made...Teir started work on his Lego Star Wars ship and is half way through....but doing really well considering it was made for 8-14 year olds and has over 500 pieces. He'll surely get it done by tomorrow.
I (deliberately did something that is not on my priority list) worked. Painted a shirt technically, but still. and yeah, I even cut out an outfit and found out, the big pink polka dot fabric I need is at my mom;s house....lovely...so I painted, lol. And was super lucky to realize I had 4 extra princess appliques already premade so I don;t have to make them myself. YAY!!!! (which this in turn gave me more time to paint something for myself :)
But enough about the ordinary day.....no one likes ordinary, especially me. Lets talk about something drastic or offensive. Or sad, or amazing, or wholesome....hmmmmm.

Let's talk about the end of the world!!!...uh, no...that's make believe...how about cameras....oh wait, I don;t have one to talk about...but I am fixing to just go buy one...a nice ass one at that.
I bought a nice computer and I love it, I bought a nice mini laptop for writing and I love it, I bought a nice pair of boots and I love them, I bought a nice jeep and love it too (well..more so when it was new and gas was cheaper).....the only thing I bought that was nice and sucked was that embroidery machine.....it did okay...for someone who doesn't have real talent....but I do, so I ended up not loving it, but its sold now, so who cares!
I'm gonna buy me a nice camera (but not the d800 because I'm too poor to even dream that one) but the d7000 is the best of the price range I can even manage to pretend I can afford....so that is what I'm getting .

Want something insightful to ponder upon? Hmmmmm.....
Let me tell you a story....
Once upon a time the land lay dusk and barren. A void of darkness fluttered in the vast expanse. It ached to breath, to exist. Light shown down upon this land. It rolled out over the waters deep and scoured the depths with energy and life.
The dark filament writhed and spun in this loud and bright challenge and implanted itself among the lives that strode out of the booming voice that created the light.
Embedded, deep within the creatures it took hold and hid itself in the confines of a cradle of light. Feasting on flesh and on energy. The lifeforce of whom it took hold suffered slowly unknowing that the dark parasite made an abode of its heart.
The Creator took notice of this fragment of dark and shunned away from its vileness. He swept across the garden and hid this choking dark from His sight by placing a veil of flesh around those whom it used as hosts. He looked out upon His creatures to see that He no longer could hear their heartbeat, or know the joy of their laughter. His children, swept away from Him. Taken hold of by a slither of ebony that latched itself to the light.
These energies molded themselves together, where if one were to grow strong it would choke itself from the tentacles of the other. If one were to grow weak, the other would become inflated and swollen with pride. They mingled in balance to uphold the other.
"How will I rescue them? How will I bring them back home?" The Creator looked out upon the garden. The lost children who have forgotten their way, forgotten their kingdom, and forgotten their heritage....forgot Him. And they wandered after the dark, for it did not hurt their eyes, it did not cause them pain from the truth, it did not make them sweat in the heat of refinement.....why become a diamond if a rock is good enough? Why become gold if clay is the same color?....
A Hero was sent to claim the children, a Hero...but the children mocked and scolded Him. His sword was sharp and His armor nice and shiny too, but they snickered behind the curtains of blood. They played darts with His pictures and hung symbols around their necks, they called out in the night with chants of words they learned they must use, they refined their pretty words to make them align with a great god, but it was not to the Great Father. They seduced the young and enslaved those who wished to please. They suffocated those that could see with a blindfold of lies. They killed those who spoke against them...the darkness reigned where the darkness was born....and the light suffered.
But alas, ...the light cannot stay in a world where it was not born. It must return....return to the Father...Home. When it leaves, the darkness must fall away and return back into the void of nothingness...


Like that...lol.....it reminds me of 'the nothing' from the never-ending story, lol
I'm not quite sure where that story was going, but I got bored with it, so let's talk about something else....
Did you know that Los Angeles means Lost Angels????? I'm not sure if that is true, but hmmm....I wouldn't want to live there between now and 2018....cause, um....it's going to fall into the sea....


....and the land of a thousand tongues will rock to and fro. ashes and sulfur will rise up out of her and she will wail in pain. they will leave her desolate and barren. her children will flee from her and weep at the sight of her. smoke will billow up from her lands and those who see it out upon the ocean will stand in sorrow at her beauty that was caught ablaze. she will be forever lost, her children scattered, her forests dead, and her rivers plagued with poison. oh the agony that awaits her. take up your young and come out of her, o little isreal. her fall is forthcoming and her time of prosperity is at an end. none will seek her beauty and none will hear her voice. take hold of my hand and leave this place, take refuge from the smoke and from the rain. seek shelter beyond her reach. those who remain will suffer just as she suffers, cradles will be left barren and death will fill the womb. tears will fall on dust and no hand can cure them. calls for help will go unanswered and death will follow them that seek to contain her. woe to those whom she imprisons there. woe to her inhabitants. woe to the seas that cradle her, woe to her dying heart.
the time is nigh, the lands cry out as the bridegroom approaches. it shakes beneath his stare, it wails in agony, as it knows it demise is at hand. the fallen have seen it and they ignore the sirens. the chosen feel it and they watch diligently, the lost scatter in fear, the mighty laugh at it, and the poor weep. it will come as a blazing light and none can escape its gaze, the lights will be lifted up and the shadows will remain, the tides will awaken and the winds will cease, the moon will shatter, and the sun will hide its face from the agony below.
take my hand and lean on nothing else, as nothing else will hold on the day of the Lord. look to me and hear my voice, I call your name and will bring you forth from the rage, deliver you from the terror and sanctify you in the kingdom. there is nothing else but this, see me as I truly am, and know me as I know you.

Coffee,,,,,,where are you?

This country of the United States of America is utterly stupid.
So is its health care system.

I won;t go into that, but just so you know the above statements are true.
Anyway, Dr. appointment tomorrow for the little guy at what I hope to be a decent doctor's office.

You know how you can go to places like the dollar store or save a lot and notice how many of the prices are higher than wal-mart? Reason why I don;t shop at either of those places, but am poor enough to be forced to shop at wal-mart...yay. That's like health care....well, government health care. Forced to choose a 'hmmm, okay' (maybe) over , 'oh that place looks nice'...and clean.
Kinda like choosing dollar store over target....you may get it cheaper, but the quality stinks.

So anyway....I have work to do........and want to say that that awesome Australian lady (Catherine) from Cash & Joy....was right...lol.
I raised my prices and even though I worked less in January, I made more than last year in Jan.....and so far have sold more for Feb already than last year as well...yikes!!!
Love, but I still have to work, haha! Thankfully I have an awesome helper :) aka Mom.
But yeah, I have work to do, which I will get to after we do some school (cause really now, just cause the kid is sick, doesn't mean he can't learn something!)
Need some coffee too...
Oh, and future desk (yes, I know I can't get off the subject... but did you see the chevy truck commercial from the super bowl....the end of the world one....and it rained frogs at the end...(no clue why though, whatever)...but it reminded me of my desk that has the frog on it...it wasn't raining frogs, but the frog was in the rain? idk.

And I saw a sign yesterday that said 'ride a train'...maybe hubby will get that job, so we won;t have to settle for crap quality.

Coraline went to get spayed this morning...hope she isn't freaking out, though I'm sure she is....poor pup. Get to pick her up bright and early tomorrow morning. then take the little guy to doctors, then....idk, not sure if I'll go to derby Wed. or Thurs. yet.
Anyway, off to make princesses and Lilo&Stitch just after school. Later gator.

Joshua marched around Jericho....

This is Joshua




I brought him home on black Friday after rescuing from a crowd of look-a-like stuffed bears...he was calling out for help when he saw that I took notice of him. He found it strange that he was the only one who was alive...all the rest were just...not. I saved him.
He even got to come with me while we finished hunting down the not-so-good bargains and was one of the few items I bought. That made him happy since he was tired of not being seen or heard. He thought he was all alone in the world and that no one would see that he was something special. That he had something special.
So Joshua here now lives with us. He eventually made his way into the hands of a girl child...




and gets to sleep in her bed with her numerous other toys, some stuffed, some alive like him, as well as actual living creatures with claws. He likes it here, but is sometimes leery of the big-toothed creature with the wagging tail that looks at him funny.

So anyway...do you ever feel like you are stuck and suffocating in a pile of zombies too? Zombies...as in people who are not alive on the inside. I have before. They act all normal and seemingly real and alive...but you know deep down that they are just relaying the information that was pre-programmed into them when their child-spirit was hidden from them. Zombies...robots...droids...dead...whatever you want to call it, you know who they are.
Then there's the ones who are lingering inbetween being dead and alive (still zombies at it's finest). They learn and are somewhat open-minded to things, but they wouldn't shout out one word of their true self if their life depended on it....fear stricken.
The living people....so few...but they do exist. I like them the best even though the zombies hunt after them endlessly without them knowing it. They are susceptible of falls and turmoil, but eventually regain their footing.
Then there's another kind...I'm not quite sure what to call them other than 'enlightened'....spirits who are not hunted by zombies, because the zombies either love them or fear them. Those who you would sit and be with everyday if possible.... these are the rare breeds....and hard to find, even harder to even talk to if you come upon one. You can only recognize them by the aura that surrounds them...the feeling that you succumb to when they are near. I've only maybe met 4 or so in my life. One I kept around, but the others, no so much as talk to...except one....whom freaked me out to no end! I literately think he was an angel....super weird. I'll share...I guess...

So once upon a time, i lived across the street from the Hardee's restaurant on Morrison Springs Rd. in Red Bank. One afternoon, I went over there to get me a double-burger (double cheese burger without cheese) When I walked in, my attention immediately was caught by the two older ladies who were sitting in the back of the dining area near the windows.
No one else was in the place except the workers behind the counter. So I go in and after breaking away from the urge to look at these ladies I order my burger..take it to go sit (I sat facing away from them, cause they were freaking me out with that 'feeling'). The whole time I sat there I kept thinking they were trying to read my mind, haha. It was so weird!
Then to beat it all I went up to get a refill of my drink when one of them came up as well to the counter.
She asked me what my sign was...? I was like...um..Pisces.
She smiled and nodded, like she knew I was trying to block her with my mind when I thought they were trying to read it, lol.
I wish now that I had started up a conversation with her, but dang, I was freaked out....I'm telling you these people have a feeling about them or something. Of course back then, I hated everyone and was too shy to say much.

Another interesting meeting was when I worked at Walgreen's on Dayton Blvd. in Red Bank (great job, btw. until we got a pissy ass boss later on)...anyway, I was working in the cosmetics department (yeah, I know nothing about make-up except where it was on the shelf, lol) but I was on the floor attempting to fit 20 bottles of shampoo (or lotion?) on the bottom shelf where only 4 bottles would fit (I had to make it fit, that was my job!) So I was sitting on the floor....
This guy...with blondish hair, kinda muscular, really nice blue eyes (no, not cute or hot, just peaceful) had came up the aisle, squatted down to me and asked if we carried earrings.
I of course 'feel' this whacked out, strange, omg, feeling and smile and said 'sure do'...because we did.
So I push all the bottles near the shelf (so no one trips on them) stand up and walk him over to the jewelry counter where the earring twirly display thing supposed to have been...
Of course it's missing...in my head all I thought was 'who in the world is this guy?' 'this feels so weird', so while I'm searching frantically for the stupid earring twirly thing, i have all this 'stuff' running through my head about this weird guy...who's voice was like really calm and soft, and omg weird!
I never found the earring display thingy and tell him 'well, we used to carry earrings, but it seems to be missing...' or something along the lines...I'm all flushed and exasperated that I couldn't provide what he was needing...he just smiles and says something like thank you, I can't remember, cause I was already whacked at the time. But he just turns and leaves...so it was really normal and all, but omg, if I had to guess, he was an angel or something. I'm telling you, people don't have aura's like that everywhere you go....they just don;t.

I'm not gonna lie...hubby had one too and I was drawn to him...so I'm just glad he forced a hug from me all the time even though I was like super embarrassed.
...love him. :)


that was lame...sorry...I sometimes go back and erase the too lame stuff, but this barely makes the cut....so you get to suffer through a few of my piss poor teenager moments. suffering brings ...oh, umm...something or other...experience maybe...idk
I'm not very up to par today with life changing words...not that they ever are...

But hey, if you want something cool to think about....divulge upon this.... "Do whatever it is that divides the world between you."......
I was told this probably like 4 years ago...I just discovered really what it means.... I'm so slow sometimes.... glad I have a patient teacher.


....and while your heart sleeps, rest easy upon the flowing waters, the rustling of the sands, the simple songs that play upon the strings of time. There is nothing to find that I have not already given, nothing lost that was ever taken...only forgotten.
The way is not always upward or forwards, but inside, within to where the heart meets the soul and the spirit lies in the midst of the burning blazing son. the stars shine forth just as the light from within you calls out to those who are in the darkness. Walk upon the the road of the fearful, bend the hatred and fear into a distant rainbow, change the enemy into a shadow, a memory and reveal the hidden glow that was buried within its confounds.
Stand beside me, upon the shores. take my hand and taste the victory of joy. The savoring petals of life and of God. Speak of the winds and dance upon the divine kingdoms. Follow me, follow me....to the ends of the earth and across the ocean deep, beyond the stars and through the magic, through the pain, through the trials, and above the lands. Dance with me...in peace.

Even crazy and happy is good....with a touch of salt.

Oh dear....something good and something bad...let's begin....
So I watched this youtube video...the good one, talking about the wind blowing to and fro and only those belonging to Jesus would stand firm in the torrent.....
Um...future desk -- the wind blowing to and fro..the girl not moving, or the apples (which may represent the life fruit?)
I'm telling you these things just come to me, I don;t hunt them down...never have to hunt anything down, but sometimes I browse...
I'm telling you this stuff wigs me out, but I think it's cool.....

Now something bad...I browsed a bit (yeah, I know I shouldn't!) and watched someone else's video (this is why one shouldn't hunt...bad bad stuff) lady was talking about her dreams...one was okay, but she added her little come to Jesus thing at the end...and OMG....she sounded like some broken recorder like every other freak of nature out there who acts like they are speaking to a little toddler!@!!!!!AAAARRRGGHHHH!!!
I went to church once, and I asked the big man why I was here....and He said "To teach those that they cannot." I'm guessing this means to speak to people like they are not some stupid robot toddler, but as divine humans with thoughts of their own....argh! I hate robots and zombies...because zombies are dead DEAD!!!! and the world is full of them!
Now since after that video of hers...she was nice and all, but just out of curiosity I had to go and listen to the second video...which happened to be what she called an army of people in happy colored shirts with signs chanting...and people wanted to go be a part of it and were jumping into the river to get over to them and oh joyous goodness...blah blah blah...and she was saying that she thought these were God's people coming to save the lost??? WTF! What?!
People coming to steal you away and walk you into the pit is more like it.
This is why I avoid crazy happy church people. Crazy is good, Happy is good, church people are good (some of them anyway...you know who you are.) but all of the above are defiled.
I wouldn't step one foot towards a crazy happy crowd of Jesus people that are holding up signs and chanting....hell no.

And that pit...I saw that pit. It burns your nostrils...it is dark with gray black stones all the way around and down into the blackness.... and screams echo out from it...wails, the worst type of blood-curling sounds...I can't even describe them....and they get louder when He looks down into it...
I already wrote about this, but it's bad bad bad!!! Do not follow the crazy happy church people!!!!!! DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT HE HAS BUILT YOU UPON DECIDE THAT THOSE PEOPLE CAN SAVE YOU!!!!
Wake up!

You would think I would be doing something productive today other than writing my already second blog post of the day..... (which I already sewed up a Minnie Mouse thank you!) and we are skipping school (cause Teir is not up to par and video games are more relaxing that math, bite me) ... BUT I had to just tell you what I found today...the cool future desk thing...and well, I had to warn you against the zombies who wish to eat your brains and have you join their ranks.....you are not a pawn. You are not a toddler either, so stop listening to the toddler talk and stop sipping on the toddler milk, or reading the toddler books, or sucking you thumb because you aren't allowed to talk...or say bad words...or do something or be something because they won;t allow it....they won;t accept you...they'll deny you....
Heaven forbid they deny you...and kick you out because you don;t fit their cliche....neither did Jesus, but you don;t see Him folding over to their every whim.... they change like the wind, He does not...neither should you.

Well, yay for fun rants about the big man and youtube users and whatever else. Bye lovelies.... (that's what Australians say) and it sounds so cool. I need to go there....forever, but after the tsunami is over with.

A hippie and a forgetful child.

The world is full of haters. So what if someone isn't all nice and happy and loveable and holy all the time...get over your self. Neither are you.
The world is full of lovers...who love themselves...what a shame.
The world is full of deceivers....but only to those who can't think for themselves...wake up and have a chat with the boss man yourself...no one should intercede between you.
The world is full of promises....promises that you will one day discover are lies.
The world is full of coldness, the kind to where you avoid people because you yourself shiver with fear in the unknown...you don't know them. And if you do, you should have lit your fire with theirs.
The world is full of fire....burning raging fire....but not all of it burns.

I have forgotten....
What makes me forget?
I've forgotten how easy it supposed to be....why do we continually make it harder as the days go by?
Love is not hard, it does not struggle, or need to follow guidelines.
When people say marriage is hard work, they are liars. It is the releasing of hard work, the letting go and sacrificing. I despise that people tell lies that it takes hard work....no it doesn't...just let love do its job.
When the lies of certain other things tell you that you have to do this or say this or go here or be there come about...they too intercede between the one you seek to speak with....*sigh....

So, I spoke with my best friend last night. He was wearing jeans and a red faded t-shirt, because He said I needed to get the stupid idea that He always wears a white robe out of my head. He had His hair tied back in a little pony tail too...He kinda looked like a hippie, lol. Had some worn tennis shoes to match. His eyes still remained the same...and His voice, and His smile....the kind you can't help but smile back when He does...even if you're sad...and you can try and try to fight it to no avail....
Anyway...He had to remind me of things I often forget...too often if you ask me....all because the world is a liar and a cheat and it is a thief too. You don't ever realize what it stole until you try to find it again.....but of course you can never find it...only He can give it back to you and tell you to "Hang on to it this time."
I'm such a difficult child. I know. Yet, His patience with me is awfully appealing....I would like to be that patient too.
I asked Him a few things about the future....not that it was all that important, it was curiosity mainly....He said "It will be like Christmas, but instead of not receiving what you expect, it will be different this time."... He smiled to Himself when saying this, as if He had plans in the making...plans that He knew were being brought to life. Joy painted on His face. He looks really comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. Like one of us.


Okay....no more talking about things you have no idea about...how about we talk about something else...not that anything else could compare, but anyway...Teir has a little cough, it's weird, but had a fever yesterday evening, still little cough this morning, but not feverish, hoping it doesn't spike back up again and whatever it is goes away. Glad he's eating though and not doing that backwards, if you kwim...
His birthday party is Saturday, real birthday is Monday, he's gonna be the big 8!!! Love my little guy.

I really have nothing else to say.....like I said...nothing quite can compare....oh...and you know what else He said... "Tell them about me."...I always thought most people already knew...but now I'm thinking they have forgotten Him...and how simple it is supposed to be. Like I forget....
Please remember.....
Remember how easy it was once before they showed you how to do it the 'correct' way. The 'acceptable' way....remember...

Everyone thinks I'm the devil and I have nothing good inside me.....it's okay though, I don;t think anything bad about them. I know they are POW's ...I know they are hiding, I know. But I can only tell them the keys to their cage are in their hands.
But if I wanted to really rescue them I would smack them upside the head, take the keys, open the door, and drag them out kicking and screaming and push their cage off the cliff...then they would have to wail in the sunshine until their eyes could adjust...but that's just me....luckily I disappeared a long time ago. Myself is just a memory I like to pretend I can revive.