Wellll.....
The past few days...ok, week....have been kinda rather ho hum ...boo hiss, grrr, type days.
Nothing bad, no, nothing great either, a bit depressing and silent though. However I didn't take that nice warm day for granted...man, I love warm weather.
I sewed some...not like that even begets an oh yay...more like, whatever...who gives a shit..
I didn't write anything here or work on my book either..unless you count a puzzle book I have. Nothing appealing to write about. Nothing to say.
Like one of those quiet 'I'm just gonna sit in the dark corner and observe' type things going on. Too bad there are shadows in the corner with me...and you get to be face to face with doubts and pleading whispers that say that everything that is real is fake and everything that is fake is real....*sigh
Like I said, depressing, lol. But I'm still happy overall, go figure.
Just difficult to be left alone and waiting in the dark....while waiting patiently for your memories to return, and waiting for yourself to remember, waiting for the little spark that you keep snuffing out to relight....waiting for this star to burn through the thick blankets I keep trying to cover it with.
I watch myself from the outside and shake my head....why do I do these things? why do I forget and lose myself again and again and again.....?
How are we ever to find our way home...if our memories get stolen, if we who are certain to fail, continue to fail to remember....I know this, He knows this...but still, I am in the shadows, and I see that I am failing...see that I have forgotten, see that I have covered the beacon..... and I can't do anything but wait for myself to fix it....and neither of us know how...
And Him....He's not here...
I know He's patiently waiting on the inside of her...waiting for her to uncover the light once again...why does she keep doing that? He stays silent and neither speaks to her or me, or even looks upon us. Another lesson.
Sometimes it's very hard...(that's not event the word...hard...something harder than just 'hard)...to be aware of these times. To be aware of what is happening, although, one may not know how or why, but 'know' that it must be.... 'hard' to watch and just growl under your breathe sometimes, and sometimes cry for yourself...because you can only tell yourself what is happening, but can't tell yourself what to do to get right...not that it is wrong, but you can't teach a lesson to yourself....just have to wait for yourself to learn His lesson.....
But I think I have a sad story...I'm not sure...and I think it may not have helped the previous issue either...
There's someone down Fredonia Rd who owns horses and mules... I think one of their horses died..
Well, the other day I saw one on the ground, and it was moving, but just not right...kwim? Now, I never had a horse and really don't know much, but it didn't look like it was rolling around all happy in the grass like horses do sometimes...it looked like it was stroking out..idk...one of the other horses were standing near it....
So me...thinks it's awful and have no idea what to do, so I keep driving home...
so later the next day, I drove by and there's this brush pile....like right where I think the horse was....
omg, maybe they are going to burn it, cause there's a dead horse under it!... It's so sad!!!
Of course, I could just be overthinking and the horse be fine and me just being sappy, but there's a brush pile there...a brush pile.
Now if I drive by Monday and it's a burnt brush pile and all lumpy...ugh...how pitiful is that...
Not that I could save a horse, but still...sad, just sad...and I've got no idea what to do about anything...the world's problems, my own problems....I can't do anything, and if I could, I couldn't do it right.
See, depressing, lol.
Sorry, I'm not all sad and sappy, just a tad bit pushed around by doubt and things that want to make me give up parts of myself.
Seems I can't do this or do that, or go there, or say this, or be that...not blaming anyone or anything, as it has been pretty obvious that we ourselves are in control of our own choices....but how much can one sacrifice? How much can you lose of yourself?
It may not be hard to lose everything for a certain person...even abandoning your own ideas and thoughts and even feeling about them as well...., but what about the other people? do you sacrifice everything for them too?
I'm not really asking the question though, so don;t answer.
You know what I mean though....about the releasing of self....to give to others. One part of you gives all and does all and has unending energy for them to feed upon...but then there's the little part that still clings deep inside you.....the one that just wants someone to make the choice for it to be allowed to breathe....
Of course, the issue with it breathing, is the fact that whatever life it has will not be accepted by anyone else. It will be thrown to the ground and trampled upon as dust...and perhaps in your fear you will take it back up and tuck it back down inside you...away from the glares and judgements....
Or you fight for them...and lose all else...we shall all die of this imprisonment....
HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
W.B. Yeats
I'm gonna go try to help myself find a way out....
and the next freaking time I wake up at 3am...I'm gonna be pissed..argh! the other night it was the stupid smoke alarm (hello!, no fire or smoke stupid machine!) then last night the stupid dog knocked over one of my swords (hell yes, I own swords) and it was LOUD! ...I don;t want any weird noises, alien motherships, animals, husbands, or guineas waking me up until after 8am (unless its something cool or an emergency)! Is this so much to ask?!
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