The views from up here make it all look easy

 I had something I needed all along...
Again, the Universe plopping said materials into my hands...of which I pulled out of my own closet.
Fuck me if I wasn't so damn blind sometimes.

So I found a bunch of 'materials' to work with in the process as well...
and while I want to go to the thrift store and browse...I don't need to.

I'm being consistent in meditation, and playing my dice game...I get to do it twice a day for a week...
on top of the ones I'm not even halfway through.
Nice.
Look at my follow-through, bitches.

Lots of energy perspective, mindset, weird shit shifts happening.
I'm thrilled to accept these, wherever they lead...
whomever I become..
cause I met her today...
God, I fucking love myself.... in a not so narcissistic manner... but yeah, kinda, LOL

I have to go find something to cook for dinner...
cause little ol me didn't start the chicken earlier, so that's out. whoops...
I did get my badass workout done AND both meditations, AND the dice game level 7 done.
I'm having fun here.
And... I don't need to make anything happen.
FREE.

lov ya.

I've never felt so sure of uncertainty

 Ever think about what brought you here where you are today?

"I will send out an army, to find you...in the middle of the darkest night...
It's true... I will rescue you."

Song lyrics...
But I find you in the center of my heart when I hear those words.
Cause I know this is what you have done.
Not one moment letting me slip from the grip of your love.

And if this story was written by the gods, or the goddess...and not simple fate...
I wouldn't lay one moment of it down as a coincidence.
Because I've felt more than I've known...
and I've touched more than I've sown.
And all things are real when a child is held in the midst of this wonderful, beautiful, terrible, raging, sacred world. All these worlds within our souls and minds and hearts and beyond our eyes and senses.
In us. With us. As us. No matter what name we've given it, or what persona or expression.

You can't love any less than you've tasted...
and I've had a feast..
one always replenished moment after moment and whisper after whisper.
I hear you.
I hear you call.
I will send out an army, to find you, in the middle of the darkest night...
It's true... I will rescue you.
I will never stop marching, to reach you in the middle of the hardest fight...
It's true... I will rescue you.

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I'm getting bombarded with images of things I want that I would love to have if they weren't an insane price. And since I'm on a money fast, I'm gonna have to pull out the big guns... meaning my sewing skills.
I find this hilarious, cause I fucking hate sewing.
But I want things...and if I can make things for $10, versus buying them for $150... well....
My hubs will appreciate the effort.
I'm actually pretty good at it...and I have more confidence in how to do the things I would need to do...and I can make it work, in almost every scenario/instance....if I can find the base pieces from the thrift store in the right colors.... or close...

I'm also like 2 days away from diving headfirst into ...(say it with me without gagging)
,,,arts...and...crafts... (GAG!)
It'll be fun... but I'm tired of this bombardment of ideas and saying NO to every one of them....only to get the exact fucking materials for said idea the next fucking day....and well fuck...
Universe says get to work...
I'll need that army.

What am I doing here for the second day in a row?!

 Crimson, like rubies scattered across the dirt.
The rain causing them to glisten.
This blood we've spilled, swallowed into the earth once again...
and what have we learned, or shown, or begotten.
The casting of spells, of stories, of endless talks,
filling up the silence with mindless and numb accounts of days past.
And who are we now, in this age, in this season...
but more of who we have always been.

Will we ever change, or get cultivated into the truths of what we are.
Will we see what we could be, could reach, could grow into.
A place we could grow wild, without being tamed by the blades of machinery.
A place not burdened by premature pruning and clipping and tearing asunder.
To let ourselves grow into all that is possible...without someone to say otherwise.
Without someone to make our yards pristine, our minds cut short and proper.
What about the wildness of our nature frightens you so.

Let us be free.
We can do better when we know better.
And how do we know better if you've made us into a crop. Cropped.
Let us be free.
There is no fear in grand oak trees, or the majesty of stars.
No hate in the leaves of fall or the sprouting of an acorn.
No pain in the wind, or the embrace of the moon.
Let us be free.
from the letting of blood, from the tilling of our souls, from being conquered.
Let us grow free. See what we'll be.

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I might be showing up here more often..
its a showing up thing...
might as well...
all that time I struggled with meditation consistency...well, I decided not to do that anymore
and so I do it daily now...and going through the gateway process again.
Which is good...although, I'm eager to get to the good levels, lol
... the good levels, as in the point where I see the future and shit.
I can do that sometimes, but it got super weird there for awhile last time I did these tapes.

All the stuffs... and I have nothing else to tell today...

Shovels and the Art of Anxiety

 
   It was going to be about the the first message...
"Don't pick up the shovel."
   This statement about not picking up things to do things you don't really care that much for anyway...cause who wants to dig the hole instead of just watch someone else do it?

Then I remembered the other saying my youngest once said..
"There's more than one way to dig a hole."
   Which was about not having to have a shovel to get the job done....
   and sometimes it's not even about you doing anything, yet the hole appears...maybe from someone else doing the work, or maybe an asteroid crashes into your back yard.

And today... another message...
 (5 actually)
But one of the five was
"Don't dig the hole."
   And maybe this is quite enough for the week about not doing what I've been doing.

The messages today were...
   5. Stop struggling.
   4. I am loved.
   3. Keep the money.
   2. Don't dig the hole.
   1. Hold your own space.

in that order.
and while I originally was going to write about all the things I got from the 'don't pick up the shovel'
I did that thing where I procrastinated on writing and forgot much of what I was gonna say about it.
tsk tsk... and I know better, for reals.
So at least we made it here. For whatever that's worth.
and sometimes these things can be priceless....
and really though...
I'm building new discipline. All this showing up shit.

So...I won't be repeating any struggling motives or efforts.
I am loved, for sure.
I won't be spending money on un-necessities  :( and have to keep it instead... *more sad face...
I won't be doing anything I've been doing as far as repeating efforts of trying to get something to work...
I won't be involving anyone else in this psychological analysis

and maybe tomorrow I will do something else.

I hate life.
I hate life when I want to be logical, but there is no logic.
or when I want to be deep and feely, but there is no deep and feely.

________________

I can't write about much else.
it's October.
I have ideas, and while I stare at them in my mind, they involve art or creativity...and well....
    I'm still at odds with that.
I accepted the idea, but alas, I did that while I was on the treadmill and now I don't think I have the energy or effort to follow-through. I hope the Aethers understand, even if I don't.
I will attempt to return it, hopefully for a full refund.
Maybe though, I'll get inspired enough to do something artistic again...
   (which I have found that I am often only motivated if it involves money... argh!)
so...in other words, if I were to make it, it better sell...and no one buys art according to past experiences and my stubborn views of doing this same 'idea' hundreds of times...
and if I made it for myself... then I'm too judgemental about it and not much comes out the same way I see it in my mind.
fuck this shit. how disappointing.
 I would like at least 2 pieces for my downstairs room though...so maybe I will make them for myself.
Another day.

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Btw...I've got the outline of book 8 done.
I don't know if I can fit it all...there's so much I didn't even get into, but it's a lot...
I've got a lot of characters that need some development, so...yeah... maybe start on this as soon as I get the first sentence to reveal itself. Book 8 is due next year, right? I'm on a 2 year turnaround.

I'm actually still writing the other one too with The Alchemist.
It comes in pieces, whenever we have our chats.... well...really when I show up and then we chat as I write kinda stuff.
It's something else man... I'll read past entries and be like...'Holy shit, this is FIRE!'
cause it is. It's good if you like that deep Aether spiritual magic wisdom stuff. Rich.

I do wish I had the attention to write other stuff...I have ideas...but they do not want to play, so I guess that's out until they find room to visit me.
I'm not a writer any more than I'm not an artist. I just do things and get fucking nowhere.
my angst of late... do not mind my animosity towards myself.
I'm kinda good about it though...I don't want to get anywhere truthfully. Things are good just as they are, albeit they could be better and less illogical.

It's hard to change yourself when you don't want to be anyone else and don't have an outline, LOL
no guideposts, no samples, no taste tests, no map, no path...
Beautiful wilderness. Mmm
Yeah...we gonna be fungi today...that sounds good.
<3