Shovels and the Art of Anxiety

 
   It was going to be about the the first message...
"Don't pick up the shovel."
   This statement about not picking up things to do things you don't really care that much for anyway...cause who wants to dig the hole instead of just watch someone else do it?

Then I remembered the other saying my youngest once said..
"There's more than one way to dig a hole."
   Which was about not having to have a shovel to get the job done....
   and sometimes it's not even about you doing anything, yet the hole appears...maybe from someone else doing the work, or maybe an asteroid crashes into your back yard.

And today... another message...
 (5 actually)
But one of the five was
"Don't dig the hole."
   And maybe this is quite enough for the week about not doing what I've been doing.

The messages today were...
   5. Stop struggling.
   4. I am loved.
   3. Keep the money.
   2. Don't dig the hole.
   1. Hold your own space.

in that order.
and while I originally was going to write about all the things I got from the 'don't pick up the shovel'
I did that thing where I procrastinated on writing and forgot much of what I was gonna say about it.
tsk tsk... and I know better, for reals.
So at least we made it here. For whatever that's worth.
and sometimes these things can be priceless....
and really though...
I'm building new discipline. All this showing up shit.

So...I won't be repeating any struggling motives or efforts.
I am loved, for sure.
I won't be spending money on un-necessities  :( and have to keep it instead... *more sad face...
I won't be doing anything I've been doing as far as repeating efforts of trying to get something to work...
I won't be involving anyone else in this psychological analysis

and maybe tomorrow I will do something else.

I hate life.
I hate life when I want to be logical, but there is no logic.
or when I want to be deep and feely, but there is no deep and feely.

________________

I can't write about much else.
it's October.
I have ideas, and while I stare at them in my mind, they involve art or creativity...and well....
    I'm still at odds with that.
I accepted the idea, but alas, I did that while I was on the treadmill and now I don't think I have the energy or effort to follow-through. I hope the Aethers understand, even if I don't.
I will attempt to return it, hopefully for a full refund.
Maybe though, I'll get inspired enough to do something artistic again...
   (which I have found that I am often only motivated if it involves money... argh!)
so...in other words, if I were to make it, it better sell...and no one buys art according to past experiences and my stubborn views of doing this same 'idea' hundreds of times...
and if I made it for myself... then I'm too judgemental about it and not much comes out the same way I see it in my mind.
fuck this shit. how disappointing.
 I would like at least 2 pieces for my downstairs room though...so maybe I will make them for myself.
Another day.

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Btw...I've got the outline of book 8 done.
I don't know if I can fit it all...there's so much I didn't even get into, but it's a lot...
I've got a lot of characters that need some development, so...yeah... maybe start on this as soon as I get the first sentence to reveal itself. Book 8 is due next year, right? I'm on a 2 year turnaround.

I'm actually still writing the other one too with The Alchemist.
It comes in pieces, whenever we have our chats.... well...really when I show up and then we chat as I write kinda stuff.
It's something else man... I'll read past entries and be like...'Holy shit, this is FIRE!'
cause it is. It's good if you like that deep Aether spiritual magic wisdom stuff. Rich.

I do wish I had the attention to write other stuff...I have ideas...but they do not want to play, so I guess that's out until they find room to visit me.
I'm not a writer any more than I'm not an artist. I just do things and get fucking nowhere.
my angst of late... do not mind my animosity towards myself.
I'm kinda good about it though...I don't want to get anywhere truthfully. Things are good just as they are, albeit they could be better and less illogical.

It's hard to change yourself when you don't want to be anyone else and don't have an outline, LOL
no guideposts, no samples, no taste tests, no map, no path...
Beautiful wilderness. Mmm
Yeah...we gonna be fungi today...that sounds good.
<3