laziness is contageous....

ummm...let me just tell you how awesome it is to just buy a premade embroidery design and have the machine do it for you (yeah, I still have to change thread colors...but still....) it was nice...and Dora and Boots were less than $7...which isn't so bad when I got paid $20 for the shirt...and that was a discount rate considering I usually charge $30.

Anyway...I will say the stupid software that came with it to make custom designs sucks bad. It can't do it very well and is more frustrating than anything else...
I will be buying designs or having someone digitize things for me...so at least it will turn out right.


Why do people get so offended? Really?! Is it necessary to stress yourself so much over something so stupid? No wonder people have health issues...ugh. Get over yourself. Just remember when you judge others, you will judge yourself equally. Remember that when you are crying in bed feeling sorry for yourself and all the things you are not good at, things you were wrong about and things that you destroyed....remember that it's just a reflection of pain you caused to others.
Oh, but for the sake of offending....what's the deal with xmas? Really now, so someone writes it like that because they either don't know how to spell Christmas correctly or they are just too lazy to bother with the whole word....is it really such a bad thing? Ugh...it reminds me of a mutant x-men holiday party...that'd be fun. :) I'll dress up as Rogue or Mystique...yeah, that's be so FUN!! Haha...
What else....hmmm...yes I'm trying to test your foundations again....
I also do not really like when people say to 'keep Christ in Christmas'. Now I know their heart is in the right place, but not their logic or education. Maybe you should google it and find out how christmas began before adding yet another label to something for the sake of whatever...
oh dang it, I spelt it christmas with little letters...it's just a word people...
Christ is every day in my world, even if I hide it or fight it, or try to make you believe something other than that, or mess with you for fun. There's no escape...and it's a beautiful thing.
Back on subject...go get educated first, then forget it all...because it doesn't matter now does it. Not the holiday, not the lights, or presents, or xmas trees, or even love......because if you won't carry it into tomorrow, what's the point.

oh, how I love pep talks with myself

oh my.....I'm here at the last stand facing the compiled list of orders....oh my....when it seems like its not so bad or too much I realize that many on the list reads 'sets'...in turn that means instead of 1 item, that means 2...oh yay.
Did I mention that I hate sewing and realize that spending the last 2 months doing it non stop (except for 5 days over Thanksgiving) was detrimental. So much neglected, like house cleaning, and time to spend doing more joyful expenditures. The schoolwork managed to stay afloat, although I can attest that it was not nearly as much as it should have been...we will catch up though.

Now, I am thinking that I can just refuse to do it all and refund people's money...but nope, it's already spent...shit.

The question is how on earth to prevent feeling like this ever again.... hmmm....still working on that one. Bad thing is I've been trying to figure it out that last 2 or 3 years and still have gotten nowhere. Okay, maybe a little further, but no, not much by my standards. I always keep going back to the fact that we kinda need the money, which utterly sucks. Poor=SUCKS!

Anyway, I am kinda really looking forward to cleaning house and playing games with my kids, and watching tv and playing video games, and creating things other than what's already been ordered. And messing around with the musical instruments I have just waiting for some time. And writing in my book....which I did work on bit by bit, but everyday would be great to have time to do. After all....it's on my 'top 5 most important things in my life' list. You'd think I wouldn't neglect those top 5 and do something that was on my 'top 5 worst things in my life'...but hell, I did (do) and unfortunately I do not know how to break free.

......you know what, I read something maybe last week about how we don't need to get caught up in the 'shoulds', like not shoulding yourself...for instance. I should be working instead of blogging. I should get more school done, I should do the laundry....when in the end....what I am doing now is the only thing that matters...yeah, living in the now.
Makes me think of ElfQuest (great comic book series btw!) funny how I've read almost every single one starting at like age 8 or so and the idea of living in the now just now only makes real sense. And that's how it needs to be. Not should be....as it is our choice to make it alive in the present and not even giving it our future by saying it should be tomorrow...when now is all we have.
......
I'm going to go change my present....I want to thank myself for giving me that most awesome pep talk just now, and I want to thank Wendy and Richard Pini for the ElfQuest comic books and the fact that Strongbow is the most awesomest elf ever and I totally look up to him and I'm gonna go take his advice.
Oh, and thank my brother for having those books available when I was little, and for letting me keep them. And Jesus too, naturally. ;)

must go...the big man is staring awfully hard my way,...

Let me just say how much I love our roller derby team and it's bench coach...

My husband is no longer pissed thanks to your impartial ways of explaining things someone else didn't do so well at....whoo..dodged a bullet there. He was gonna make me quit if it wasn't resolved.

Okay...so today, appliques are sent to the lady who puts them together...want to thank my cutter-outer for getting them mostly done ;) and for the sewer-togetherer for going to go do that....because I am freaking busy!!!!!
How busy? you ask..well... as of today I have 11 items that need put together (and that's not so bad, really!) but I'm going to have a super sale tomorrow and well...11 will look like a dream....a faded dream with no chance of return...cause, I'm sure to sell stuff, lol. I hope anyway..
I am broke...and we are leaving for VA Wednesday at o' dark thirty....and won;t be home till Sunday... so whatever orders I get by then will just have to wait and that doesn't even include the celebration sets I still have to put together...ugh.


but enough complaining.... besides it being freakin cold today and the fact that the sunroof on my jeep got clogged and I ended up with 2 puddles of water on my front floorboards...and water everywhere!!! Today is being good to me and to my friends. Keep up the good work.
I want to thank OMG, INCREDIBLE for standing behind me and tapping his foot in an effort to keep me from procrastinating...and he was nice enough to let me write a quick random blog post...along with a quick prayer for my peoples who need it....and yeah, even the ones that don't too.
Anyway, I must go now while I am still in the 'get your ass to work' mode.
Thank you all and I love you, much hugs and bubbly rambling of yesterday's tomorrows.

just call my name....and I'll be there

Today, despite the fact that I have itunes playing and I got my 'better do this today' list finished minus the sewing orders...I am hating my job again.

See, I went in there to straighten up so I can focus better....and took pics of fabrics to post for the sale Friday...and I just thought to myself...I hate fabric. I hate sewing, and I hate having to sew especially after I already spent the money, lol.
Not to mention I really need to get an order shipped out tomorrow that I haven't even started on besides laying out the top and jeans for it. The fact I need to finish up some items for the sale on Friday. The fact I need to print out applique designs.
and roller derby...ugh...I love roller derby of course, but this drama shit has got to stop. I'm still upset, and I'm not sure how hubby feels today. Grrr....things are just so stupid. Reminds me of that time once when I got kicked out of a school group because I wrote some bad words...dumb, just dumb. One school group was supposed to be about the kids...roller derby is supposed to be about roller derby...but what do I know, evidently it's about being insecure while stretching or uncomfortable if someone talks to you...fuck if I know...
I hate things when they brood.
Anyway, OMG, INCREDIBLE got on my ass this morning about getting the necessities done, so I did. Too bad sewing orders wasn't on the necessity list..ugh.

I have so much to do and no incentive to even look at them right now...damn...you know what that means...that means my weekend will be filled with a rampant attack of the sewing machines and another weekend will be lost...
I hate that I do not want to sew at all and the fact I really need the money...it's all a trap...and I do not know how to get out...and no one to tell me how to get out either...

I was feeling all nice and loveable earlier too...but now that I think about it....no, not anymore. I think OMG, INCREDIBLE really needs to give me some advice instead of letting me handle it....I suck. and I am so frustrated...

I still need to do those celebration sets too...shit....and Tuesday thru Sunday I will not be home at all to work on them... I think they are supposed to be done by the 1st...hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! yeah..right.

though at least I can sell them and make money after they have been made...so that is kinda a very nice thought. and hopefully will keep us out of the hole for December...Where o' where art thou income tax?! You are a blessing, too bad you don't ever get here till late March.

I wonder if hubby will let me sell everything and move us far far away?? I'll ask. lol

not that right here is bad...except for having neighbors..and having to keep a job, and me being upset at roller derby..and the fact that there is neither a hobby lobby or five guys in Dunlap....or a papa john's....or target...I love target.
Anyway...things I'm thankful for just for today....that hubby still has a job, that everyone is not sick...well, except me...sick in the head...that so far the bills are paid, that the truck runs just fine, that the kids do their chores without complaint...even the yucky chores...I love those kids...that even though we have been sparsely doing schoolwork lately, they are still smart and creative.
I'm thankful for all the people i do not have to deal with. and the ones I do that they are mostly pretty awesome.

Please God, oh please, please please....fix those things that need an ass whoopin'...I can't....and you can do it better anyway...fix them for me, for my friends..and for those who need to know you can fix it....

Want a story?

Once upon a time there was a rather upset girl. She was furious and frustrated and sad. She asked and asked for a way to fix the things in her life that were disturbing her calm. A way to make the wrongs a right and way to create a new beginning....but Jesus only sat and watched, he didn't speak, but watched as she let out her frustrations and dumped the full bucket at His feet. All her failed attempts, all her lost endeavors, all her forgotten dreams.... she kicked them away and towards Him. He watched her as she cried and yelled and writhed in sorrow.
She quieted after a few minutes and looked up at Him. His eyes still as beautiful as before, His quiet calm composure filled with peace. He moved toward her and asked for her hands. She placed them in His.
"What can you make?" He asked her.

"Nothing." She said sadly with tears in her eyes.
"Then what you cannot make in your life, I will make it for you." He stated.
A sudden jolt went through her. A tingling of energy...something... and it was over. She was back home....and what she had poured out before Him was not...it was gone...and it was a new day.

Like that one?? I kinda do...but I would give anything to take you there to see yourself....because in those times...everything here is nothing...only the spirit within others is all that can ever be brought there...give them the light....so they may see Him.....

love and tears....they are good things...but they both hurt when you keep them to yourself.

I tried really hard to be nice...

So this week can just go to hell with the dumbasses who make it seem that way.
yes, I'm still pissed. and yes, it will show in this stupid blog post. yes, I probably will use 'bad' words...but so far I didn't start it like I would have if I had wrote it last night instead of this morning....so count your blessings...if that's even possible.
I frankly could not count mine...too many, like the stars...and only numbered when you try to put a definite barrier around them...mine are everlasting and continuous...I'm sorry if you can count yours...but don;t forget to include those hot showers and oh yeah, the breaths you can take without struggling...and coffee..yeah coffee is good, it makes me nicer, lol. So yes, you are blessed that I haven't written any bad words thus far.....unless you count dumbasses as a bad word? I really don;t give a ...crap.

So....I am so close to just dropping every damn thing in my life except my family and moving far far away and away from every known person that exists. Even the ones I love, or like, or find entertaining.
I have this built in mind set that if you don't accept all of us, then you shall have none of us...kinda thing going on...and it makes me utterly distraught to deny any of us....because of what I suppose is old-fashioned stuff that no one understands. I don't know....
See I myself am used to being thrust out and denied (like the cornerstone, yay for education!) and I think it's fascinating to see the downfall of humanity from a different perspective. I find it a beautiful thing to watch mankind lose itself......and then one day it will comeback and repent and that will be even greater...but beside the point...when you oust one of my own...I kinda get in that mindset again...that you don't deserve me then...and you don't deserve my family either....and you don't deserve my time, attention, love, understanding, or forgiveness either. You don't deserve any of what we have....
so perhaps I'll just leave.

I wonder if God thinks of us that way too...that you denied His son and he hates you....
You know, I have experienced the feeling of someone unaccepting of my son...and it is a hard thing to get over...and I'm still working on it. But believe me....God has every right to wipe out your life and throw you in the pit...and you damn well deserve it.

Anyway....I'm too forgiving today because I am blessed that I don;t have to deal with everyday people on a regular basis....so right now I am just watching and waiting it out....if it passes great...if it doesn't great....I will leave...you never wanted me anyway. Like I said...it's all or none..

I'm glad God is watching and waiting too.....because otherwise we'd all be screwed.

just my two cents...or 12 cents...I'm still pissed....so disregard any bad words ( I actually went and erased some like a wuss)...because you can't handle them....what do you want me to say? I am so upset I could cry...whaa, people are so unfair and rude...boo hoo....I want my momma and a bottle of milk.....
shit...not gonna happen here...I eat meat...with A1 sauce...and unfortunately for you I eat with my fingers.....sorry, I'm not civilized yet to use forks and knives....I might stab you or myself. (and that means..that I'm not civilized enough to care about what I say to the point I don't say bad words or make you form the wrong impressions.)

So...anyway....that was my rant for this morning...even though I left out that I accidentally woke hubby up late this morning for work...perfect effing week so far, yes?
You know, we could sell the house and move far far away to somewhere warm... sell all this crap and just leave... no one wants us here anyway.

sorry..depressed me talking there...I'll try to behave...
you know...sometimes I just want a hug. Sometimes I just want...*sigh...look see, I can't share everything....be He knows and that's all that matters.

I'm going to go sew and get some of these orders finished...then maybe I will have time to reorganize schoolwork for the kids. Last custom orders will be this weekend...I can make it...I can make it...ugh. I just want to paint something and play with my keyboard... and clean house...lol....yes really. But work takes up so much time during holiday orders....and sadly I have no money to show for it, as what I make we use for gas and groceries...I hate being poor...though it wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have bills to go along with that.

and I hate Christmas too. I hate the tacky decorations, I hate buying stuff we don't need, I hate the bell ringers in front of the stores, I hate the mindless consumerism, I hate that on the angel trees there are kids asking for ps3 games...wtf, I don't even have a ps3! or they want an ipad or something I can't afford for myself...ugh, really?! So much for Christmas....and I hate that people say to keep Christ in Christmas too...because for one, Christmas was originally a pagan holiday (which is just fine, btw) but they changed it to a christian holiday so they could keep their party..and by the way trees are pagan too...but I like pagans and christians so I really don;t care. But Jesus wasn't born in December either, so go have your fakey consumerism holiday and stop ringing those annoying bells...
and tell me why on earth people all of a sudden care about others during this season than any other day of the year? what, do they not notice people go without things until december...bullshit...where were you in January or April, or October? c'mon...stop being stupid. Helping people who really need help is great and all, but you still denied them up until now....ugh.

and people asking for ps3 games and ipads are not needing help evidently.
sorry I just hate fake people...and even if I was beyond rich I wouldn't buy them ps3 games...I would teach them to make things to earn their own money...or start a new business to provide for the community...something other than just providing for them...cause next year they are going to want a ps4 or a droid x with service...because people buy them a bunch of useless shit and teach them that living off the government and people's good will will get you free shit and make people feel sorry for you....boohoo. and so now the people will have to provide for them all the days of their lives because you taught them how to do it....grrr

Once when I was a kid, we were poor...and the school dropped off a box of toys for our family...but even though they left it on our porch, the neighbors stole it and they got all the stuff... so the school brought in some food and some leftover stuff to give us instead....it was kinda weird. Anyway....I could've really used some books and some gloves back then, maybe a pack of markers or something...not toys. just saying...of course if you asked me then I would've wanted cool toys, but you know what I mean...lol

So...what else, considering I wrote too much already?
I hope my yudu stuff comes in the mail today. Though I really don;t need something else to help me procrastinate doing sewing work.


look at that....I get distracted and come back about 45 minutes later to this stupid blog post I haven't finished...lol
see how nothing gets done around here...sigh.

Water the soil.....choke on the meat...swallow it..c'mon, you can do it.

So, Hobby Lobby is slowly turning into a 'cheapy, "this store is for untalented people and we no longer carry the REAL supplies, only prepackaged crap for lazy stupid people who lack talent or intelligence"' as I went Saturady to find they no longer carry real screen printing supplies that they used to (I know because I considered buying them before!) but now it's only in these cheap walmart art packages for dummies... ugh.
So that means I had to order the stuff for my yudu...damn it, shipping better hurry the heck up!
Anyway, I also want to point out that besides their assortment of solid colored fabrics, I do not think they know what real fabric is...they should really carry Michael Miller ta dot prints, so I's can be happy...
That or someone can give me $1000 so I can put in my first order with the supplier myself, yeah, that'd be great. As we are broke and I have no money :( shit is expensive.
Things need fixed. Food needs bought. And well....we have enough to pay bills and eat, and just barely enough for gas.... so $100 for polka dot fabric (no matter how awesome) just ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Maybe next year...as that's probably gonna be when I get my camera too...cause my paypal account is sad lookin' and black Friday is less than 2 weeks away. yikes... let's see...roller derby stuff or camera.... hard decisions...lol

So. What else is new beside Hobby Lobby's betrayal.......
I'm almost done with chapter 13 in Book 2!!! sweet! I love my people.
The wind was a killer today! Awesome and nothing fell on the house.
I got to take a nap on hubby, awwww...
I got a huge package of heirloom seeds in the mail....yum...but they will have to wait to be planted when I have somewhere to plant them...even though I don;t eat half of what they are....ya know what, I don;t even think I know what some of them are, lol.
My order list is half of what it was 2 days ago. (but I will not be deceived into thinking there is a light at the end of the tunnel...we all know it is the train coming the other way!) I seriously never get a damn break. (and writing lame blog posts and browsing youtube does not freakin' count!)..neither does roller derby.
I'm sad that some of my friends (look at that <---- I said 'friends') are having difficulties with family health and just neverending issues and I pray they all get a break from it soon. I hate seeing people be sad...that's my job. :(
Anyway, besides knowing there's still people out there that think I am the devil and going to hell, I want to say that yes....I would go to hell to save those dumbasses down there and prove to them that God is forgiving...even to them...and I'll be sure to get Satan to repent as well. Because God's love stretches beyond any boundary you place upon the hearts of others and certainly Jesus wouldn't be contained in the boundaries you have set upon your own hearts. And yeah, I do know Jesus.....and He says He loves you, even if you have failed to know Him the way He has revealed Himself, even if you fail to see Him within others, or within yourself. Even if you have denied Him....He loves you still. There's still time....to see, to hear...to be....but it's your choice how you want to spend it.

Wah wah wah...boring, let's get into something funner than lame-o preaching about Jesus, when I can sit hear and scare the begeesus out of you! Haha! Want to know what that means....I bet you do...
Once upon a time, I went to a church...yes I did.
But this church was weird....in bible school class (it was lame!) they talked about the football score and read from those stupid ass little booklets that are as lame as those Awake booklets (if you ever read them anyway). Anyway so they would read from the books and talk about football or the party they were planning for their congregation and blah blah blah me, us we, my, mine, us, we, ours, blah blah blah...it was all about them.... anyway, one Sunday (day of the SUN! whoo hoo education!) we were listening to the preacher guy talking about the regular same 'ol baby milk from the bottle scripture stuff...and I just wanted to leave....so me and my awesome self looked over to my left and there was Jesus sitting a few spaces next to me. And I asked Him, what I was doing here? He said..."To see how they are.". And I asked why? This is boring and stupid...(yes, I do not fear talking to Him using modern english, He laughs at me sometimes..)anyway, He says "To teach those that they cannot."...
So I noticed how they were feeding these grown adults all this milk in o'bottle shit about how great Jesus is and how great it will be when you get to heaven and how great it will be when you step into your father's kingdom...and I kinda got dismayed....like really really dismayed to the point someone would burn me at the stake had I not bit my tongue...(yes, I do kinda worry about that still sometimes) anyway...the point being that you adults who find yourselves lingering this far down on my lame blog post about imperfection are going to get a wake the fuck up call tomorrow. or today, idk.
Get off the milk you sappy ass babies who think heaven is so far away and your papa left you here to struggle and cry and whine like little pansy ass toddlers who can't hold there effing spoons.....or who shoove moosh in their fat faces all day that they can't even see that your Father is not in some distant land of happiness and joy and that Home is somewhere in the damn sky and your daddy is gonna wipe your ass for you all the days of your life! UGH... why do you think you were ever apart from Him??!!! WHY!!!? Maybe it's just some of you, I don't know.
WHY do you keep stuffing your faces full of baby milk (lame bible stuff) when you should be standing on your feet and praising His name by doing the work that He has set before you. That doesn't mean to open your mouth and shout it...it means to open your hearts and show it (obviously!!) WHY aren't you eating MEAT? (not real meat, but fearlessness) MEAT that says you are His Temple...YOU are HIS Glory, YOU are HIS light....YOU are HIS LIFE....and HE is YOURS....
but no...go to church and play games with your buddies who want to make more money for your church and your churches pot luck and your churches family's but do not consider the family that lives next door...
Go drink your milk and pray your father comes for you oneday...because my Father is already here...and He is crying because of YOU. >:(
Pray your heaven calls you home and doesn't forget you....because I live at home...and it is Heaven...and Jesus lives here. You are just too blind to see anything other than the barriers you have placed upon your own hearts. and I am so so so so dismayed at your peril...
Drop everything you know...every damn thing you've read or heard or thought about God...everything!!! Drop every thought of God, every thought of Jesus and let it go like the wind takes away the ashes...let it all go....and when you are done, find what is left in your heart and you will see the Lord...and you will know His name, and you will see His face and everything you ever knew and ever will know will be nothing compared to what you will behold....and every breath, every heartbeat, every thought....it will make you see that letting go of yourself, and your ideas, and your bricks....was covering that which you always had...Him.


Like that?...I did...:)
Did it taste bitter? I hope so...
Is it hard to chew? Indeed...but meat is always that way...and it's only the fear that keeps you from growing. Fear of letting your ideals go, fear of losing what you think you know... Fear of thinking that He will leave you if you let Him go...let me tell you something...Letting Him go, doesn't make Him leave, it brings Him in closer to your heart until He consumes it...and when He consumes it, everything you see will be in love....
oh...but then you will be persecuted and people will crucify you (or threaten to burn you at the stake for proclaiming the Jesus is Lord on your stupid blog!!!)be warned. They will throw their stones. They will set forth giants after you. They will set traps and deny you their hearts. They will twist your words and make them turn against you. They will demand that you explain your actions...but they can only hear what you say if you feed them milk...as they are just children....who can't and won't even taste the meat...their hearts are hard and their souls are locked away under the wall of bricks that they have built to protect their ideals and their thoughts....they rely on their own thinking...they rely on the thinking of their church and their colleges...they cannot hear their father's words....for he speaks with meat....but they choke on it and spit it out as if they are turning their backs on Him....stop feeding them milk...and eventually they will swallow the meat and realize they have grown stronger nd it is satisfying and they will know the Father, the Son, and the Sprirt will move in them ...awaken from it's long slumber, now nourished with power and strength...and God's Kingdom will be known.....

Ah...screw it...I talk too much and no one freakin gets it....sorry for wasting your time.

Much love, my everlasting bobble heads of hydration gel and fertilizer. Much love, friends.

...procrastinating

feeling poor and broke, and achy...
no money, no energy or will to get up and get things done....however I started piddling with my new yudu screen printing machine this morning only to stop when I realized I can't get the emulsion film off without emulsion remover....I tried everything we have except gas (cause I can't find the gas can) but paint remover, lighter fliud, and vinegar, and goo off does not work....so I have to wait till I get some real stuff...boo/hiss, I was all prepared to waste my day playing with it too.

I need to get sewing work done too, like seriously, but I found myself watching youtube videos and seeing how much money we do not have in my bank account, so I haven't made it in there yet....I totally suck! UGH! Nothing will get done if I can't get my head on straight....something is definitely in the air or it's the moon or something.....cause I could care less what gets done that past few days...
derby practice is tonight, guess I should go, only to fight the resistance, even though if something just so happens to go wrong, i could be persuaded to just stay home and be less proactive...idk. I'm in one of those 'I don;t give a shit' moods.... I hate this.

Anyway, I think the world is about to go straight to hell...something is seriously up, really, can't you feel it? Things are going whacked and there's a heavy pressure lingering..idk, something just feels weird.
I haven't had any bad dreams thankfully, but it's not Friday yet...and we all know Friday is 11-11-11...and all that stupid stuff they freak out about on youtube is supposed to happen that day or something...yeah, whatever, i doubt it. Because I just know I will have to finish my orders and still end up having to deal with that one certain annoying customer who just won't go away...ugh...I am trying to be polite...I really am...but I just can't keep dealing with them...
But on the bright side, thanksgiving week is coming up and I am freaking leaving! Unless that all hell stuff breaks loose. and when I get back I will just finish up what I need and freakin disappear.... I will never sew up a custom again or so help me.... ugh!!!! I hate my job.

But on a brighter note, i have seriously realized that what I do for my job/hobby is something that is earned and learned over trial and error and not ever doing it the old people way...and by george I do it highly well....and even though I still haven't figured out my new machine and I still don;t know how to pronounce many terms or even read a stupid sewing pattern....I do it well...... and I think my prices should reflect that.....
because I have hired help....and some do a great job, and some do not, and for doing a certain technique....it seems only I can do it well......that or they are rushing and do not care if it turns out looking like crap....
and then I have to go 'fix' their shit...which in turn pisses me off and I no longer give them work to do...oh well.....I tried, but I can't sell things with my name on it if it looks like crap. ugh...
yes, i'm complaining....when I should be complaining about how much food costs...or the fact that our water jugs we order won;t be in till Friday...and well, i kinda would like them in now before the shit hits the fan in the case it actually does.....although we all know it won;t, because the world wants to stick it to me and wants me to finish paying our bills and still manage to buy food to feed ourselves too....
but then again....we have an almost paid off house and a running vehicle, and hot water, and coffee...oh coffee...I'll be back in a sec...

as I was saying....I kinda like having that stability and technology stuff...it's nice and I don't take it for granted...except maybe ink pens...I just always expect them to work and I get mad if they don't, lol. and my mini laptop...because I would die if it was messed up since book 2 is on it and I have 13 chapters already written on there!!!
My kids and the pets, and that laptop is all what I would have to grab if the house was on fire, lol. I'll take the phone too so I can call the fd!

anyway boring rambling, sorry...want something pleasant and memorable?.....let me think....
did you know....that Saturn will be exiting the sign of Virgo on the 11th...did you know Saturn holds a sickle? hmmm...interesting...Do you think you will be considered the wheat or the weed? or a hybrid?...hmmm....I'm a tree, so have fun with that ;)

giants like to stomp on you soul.....

*sigh...

somehow, I've landed myself in the valley...not literately, and I am not explaining...I hate this place, but I know it must be...
I feel all alone again. Wondering around in the dark with giants lurching around. Even if I feel a part of something for a time, it quickly gets pulled apart by something or another and I always assume I had something to do with it. Not that that is true, but I carry the burden....as always.
It's one of those built in things I came with to just not fit in... I guess it'll never go away, I'll never belong, and I'll never have a home, never have a family.
Yeah, just hubby and the kids, and Him...but everyone else is so far away... and those I claim as family don;t even know it, or they don't care.
and I'm not talking about blood family, I'm talking about life family....but what does anyone know of such things...they are all blind...and I am still hoping they will waken....still.

Nothing is bad, nothing is wrong....just me, and my warped thoughts about how we should all belong to each other...and knowing it will never happen...and we will all be lost in the shadows forever.

I went to heaven before...and there were people there whom I knew were my family, but I couldn't recognize them while I was there. Jesus was there, wearing a blue robe, it had gold designs on the sleeve cuffs....but all I could really see was His smile, His hazel eyes. I ran to Him, like a child does when their father has been gone for a long time and jumped into His arms. He lifted me up and carried me across the garden, no one disturbed us, and all attention was on each other. I can't remember what I asked Him at first, but my second question was if I was doing okay. He said "What makes you think you are further behind than when you began?"...and while I was trying my darndest to understand what that meant, I woke up.
Of course I know what it means now...the point is, I know there's a better place for us. There's a better place...and everything here in this world is nothing....absolutely nothing. And there in that place...is more real than every heartbeat, every breath we can ever take here. And we are all family, all of us....and I would give everything I have for you to know it too...everything, although I am nothing and have nothing left to give.

You'll never know where I am...as I am not afraid to go where He leads...but sometimes I cry out in silence...and no one hears, only Him....and you'll never know where we are. and you'll never see us, but we will always see you, and I'll cry for you too.


anyway...I have nothing else to say. I'm not sorry for anything I do....I am not perfect, but I try to do good....you are not perfect either, but I try to see the good in you.
goodbye

Thankful for the rises and the falls

Let me tell you something....it's a secret, but it's all I can think up to write about :)
I am thankful. Not only for God and all His wonderful unique abilities to reveal weirded out things to me and leave me smiling, or the fact that I feel indestructible...but I am thankful for a wonderful family. My hubby whom was an answered prayer and he's awesome in his ability to provide for our family and for other stupid things I may want..and his unending patience with dealing with a happy crazy person like me for the last 12 or so years...but because he is still handsome too.
My kids who I am very thankful that they are moral and are able to clean up after themselves most of the time. That they are respectful most of the time, and that they don't complain when we skip schoolwork...or that sometimes I have to work more often during this season than the summer.
I am thankful for our heater in our house, because my body simply does not function correctly when I get cold. I am thankful for hot running water (yes, I know it's laced with chlorine and contaminates and not fit to drink) but it's hot and you can stand under the shower for over 20 minutes without doing anything but enjoying that hot water....and yes, I am thankful for our hot water heater as well....and hubby for not complaining that I waste water too much.
I am thankful that even though I have $32 in our bank account and -$500 in my paypal account, that I still manage to find myself with internet access and hot coffee every morning and evening....and a pack of Twizzlers on top of the microwave.
I am thankful that I am part of a most excellent roller derby team full of unique outstanding people, each with talents and challenges that make mine seem like nothing. I can't wait to start hitting them, lol.... yes really, but only in fun :) I love them all.
I am thankful for my pets too, because they really need me. My cats cause disasters and little inconveniences that make my own 'real' problems disappear for the time when I am having to clean up their messes, and I can spoil them without much cost other than my back when I am having to hold Prince Vaughn for extended amounts of time, because he's a momma's boy, and likes to be held while he's napping...and I let him get away with it most of the time, lol. Bubbles likes to sleep on our pillow at night and be petted constantly, and Foxy, well, she meows alot, but doesn't seem to know how to 'send' messages about what she wants very well....it's hard to figure her out. Snips the gerbil is just plain awesome. Isaac is obedient and sweet, and our new pup Coraline is full of potential! Once her housebreaking is complete that is....
There is much much more to add to this list, but I could go on all day and still wouldn't be done, so in an effort not to bore you with my happy happy lala land of joyfulness, I will spare you the rest.

What else.....oh!! I just got a new toy in the mail that makes stuff (embroidery machine) and I'm still trying to figure it out...but am seriously considering turning the now storage room (future bathroom) into my sewing room and my present sewing room into the future bathroom instead.... mainly since the machine needs to hook up to my computer and the usb cord is only 4 ft long...my computer is 30ft away from my sewing room, but if I moved it to the storage room (future bathroom), I could run a hold through the wall and the machine will only be like 3 ft away.....but I would need a floor in there first (after it is cleaned out)..but the bathroom if I moved it would be more finished than it is now, lol. Decisions decisions....oh, and I would have to take out the small bathroom window and put 2 larger windows...which really isn't so bad, but I have to have my sunlight. I can't function without it.
Anyway. let's not talk about work, because I have to go do that here in a little bit....and I want to procrastinate a bit longer without thinking about how much I have to do on my list today...spare me.

Whoops, found myself on youtube, again....guess I'm done here...see what multi-tasking does to you, haha! See you mighty fighting parasailors later, fly in the wind and hope for a better day, because the fall is coming....