So tired by this game of cat and mouse. This seemingly never-ending game of hunting. Finding. Then once again losing sight. Does it always have to be my fault.
We were standing on the beach. The waves were folding and churning. Splashing and rolling. Continuously pouring onto land. The surface of the ocean never resting, never at peace.
This is our lives. Caught in the barzakh. The fine barrier between His world and our own. Caught in the churning restless waves of the ocean's surface.
Where are you now? And angry fed-up question. Annoyed from knowing He had stepped into another direction once again. Frustrated I have to keep looking, only to look again and again and again. This game of seeking. Seek and you will find...oh definitely...you will find. But He moves, and we must seek again. Following Him not just out upon the water...not just walking on the surface, but into the depths. This is where I find Him now. Deepness, this coolness, this peaceful calmness....this world beneath the waves. Almost silent compared to the crashing sounds above.
And we know He's leading us to Him. Even if we are angry and frustrated. Even if we fight it and cry and kick our feet and throw up our hands. Us spoiled children, always forgetting we have to grow up and fear not.
There's a difference but a strange sameness here in the waters. This comforting liquid that surrounds us, holding us aloft in the expanse. It's like being a star, but instead of nothingness like in space, there's something here. An energy. Comforting and constant. Listening and speaking. Enveloping all around.
His face is not as it is upon the waves, but more clearer, knowing its not a face at all. But a presence. A wonder it is to continue to follow after Him and all these new things that are revealed. Only to know they will be forgotten and let go once we play this game again.
Like running that race, and forgetting what was before when you reach the next checkpoint. I hate games. Like continuing on to the next level and what was before, what had been defeated is not longer anything but a scattered memory. A simple exhilarating triumphant win, and then we play again...onto something more confusing and difficult. How long is this game again?
Thankful for very good friends who make me sit down and analyze these should be obvious conclusions. Thankful I have at least one very good friend to talk to. He obviously doesn't care if I only have 2 other friends in the whole world who usually have no idea what I'm talking about, lol.
I'm wondering how unreal it is that things seem to be compiling upon each other day by day. things that are spotted or noticed in daily life are in direct relation to something deeper, and I wonder if these things are helping form connections to ourselves and our thinking. Like changing the way we think and act and how we perceive things. Idk. Interesting to see how things line up.
Ok, so back on a more physical level....work is still slow going. I'm hoping for a spurt of productivity to come along, so it doesn't look like I'm not getting anything done even though I feel like I do a LOT! It just so happens that there is more footwork and prep time involved than actual production time and it drives me crazy. I work bunches yet nothing seems like it is accomplished. then there's this focus issue....psh! The lack thereof to be more exact.
Ok, so I redid my to-so list...which I often do anyway, because once I mark off 3 things as well as make little side note of something else I need to do...it starts looking out of whack and I have to redo it in an effort to even look at it, lol. I am happy to say I got like 5 things crossed off of it yesterday, so I'm hoping that streak will continue.
fixing to go attempt some scrollwork engraving, and then go clean up the back porch before I cook dinner. Then, not sure, but it will be something either on my list to complete for today or finish cleaning up the back yard area, or involve something with the kiddos. Whom today are being rather productive themselves, I really do hope they add 'emptying the dishwasher' to their daily things of 'better get it done or we'll eat with our hands' stuff.
No words of wisdom today, but making sure one remembers that we must sacrifice ourselves and all that we do/are/believe/will become....and realizing....we are on the surface of the waters...but God is the ocean. Sink deeper...you won't drown.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Can you steer your way through?
Must stop by to write. Even though reality is yelling at me to step it up a notch and get 'real' things done.
But what is real? Picture printed, pictures edited, sewing, painting, cooking, cleaning? Are those the things that produce fruit? I suppose random thoughts and provoking inspirations don't cut it, do they? Or are they enough, if by chance they produce feeling, thought, ideas, beginnings, ends, change, stillness, movement, heartbeats, thunder, and calm? Maybe things that seem like nothings...are somethings. Maybe you just can't see the results right away. Maybe those things take time....like a garden. Like growing fruit. But maybe I'm wrong.
These recent weeks have been about control.
And how little we are in control of. Silly humans. Thinking we can plan and predict, and draw out our route with precision and security.
May we say something about how little we actually can control....which may only be our voluntary movements...and that about sums it up. We are not in control. We can never be in control. And this is a wonderful thing.
There seems to be only one way to sever ourselves from this turmoil of 'trying' to be in control....and that is to give it up. To give up our measly attempts to conjure up some rational safety net, to give up our sense of having provisions, to give up our ideas and thoughts about how we can prepare and 'fix' things, or how we can do A and B to get C. Hahahaha. Silly humans. No matter what we do, we are not in control, and thinking we are is silly. When it does work out like we hope, it's because it was meant to, to bring us where we need to be. When it doesn't, it's because we need to be somewhere else...or some'time' else. We are just the story, not the author.
So what's new here in 'real'ity? Sewing work...oh wait, that's not new.
I just ran out of ink...which means I can't cut out any more appliques...which is totally fine with me! for now anyway.
I really do have to sew tomorrow though. I'd like to take pics, but its hard to focus....like really hard. Ugh. No pun intended.
Lots and LOTS of other things that need attention are piling up, so I'm hoping things will smooth out soon. This is where we know we can't control the outcomes...only to place that faith into a higher account with the boss man who can totally handle it all. Reminds me of house buying...bunches of chaos and no way to 'fix' it....but the boss man had it all figured out from the start....and everything just falls into place...because He put it there for that purpose all along. I'm almost super excited to see how things work out....while doing my best to ward off stress and worry, lol. It will be wonderful, just gotta remember that patience is always required.....and that too will be sent my way because I can't for the life of me create it myself.
Other than the chaos.....
I'm in the very early stages of starting 2 new businesses! Lol. Although I'm a bit disappointed that I haven't had focus time to work on the photography like I want to....because of business #1 which usually pays for groceries, gas, and taekwondo for the kids...and so, all else must follow after. BUT business #2 (aka: photography) has some in the works photoshoots....but we are waiting on things like props, not so hot days, and a slot in line with business #1...because I have to make some things for a certain number of those photoshoots.
#3 is in research stage still....but I'm planning right now to bring it into 'let's see if this is worth my time/energy/patience' stage. In other words, test stage.
Biz #4 is due to a wild attempt to impress hubby, lol. But I know I can totally rock it out. Just need some of that time/energy/patience to come my way. My first sample test is sitting behind me.....but the fact that if I do succeed in not giving up and my attempts not turning out 'eh'.... then it has the possibility for making big bucks. And money, my friends, just so happens to be one of my ambitions....hence the reason I still have business #1 even when it drives me batty!
Of course, I'm not really attached, so I'm okay with just cashing out and go spend my time playing piano and writing my book.....cause Book 3 is starting to get too full in my head...and will have to come out soon....my writing laptop has been confiscated by the 11 year old, but until I can get either her or me a replacement....when I'm ready to write...I must regain possession.
haha.....My story... in book 3....ends with a really really good part...which just today seems to coincide with something 'real' ...or real to me anyway.... and I think it's awesome.
sooooo......nothing much else I can write about on here. I can say that taking medicine sucks, and some doctors suck, and I think lawyers so far are pretty awesome....assuming they are on your side of course!
Renters are...uh...not really fun, so please refrain from ever being a landlord. What a PITA! Would be so nice if someone would buy it instead. One of those things that need attention....oh, but no one answers their phone nowadays even when they carry it in their pocket.
Want some random thoughts? Of course you do!
the other night I dreamt I was on a train and we all were in some group, like a class or something....and Johnny Depp was there dressed as Jack Sparrow...and I was so excited and happy for him to come sit by me and he was like 'I don't think these other people know who I am' because they were ignoring him, lol.
Ok, I'm tired, going to bed. Can't think of anything else important. Later gators.
But what is real? Picture printed, pictures edited, sewing, painting, cooking, cleaning? Are those the things that produce fruit? I suppose random thoughts and provoking inspirations don't cut it, do they? Or are they enough, if by chance they produce feeling, thought, ideas, beginnings, ends, change, stillness, movement, heartbeats, thunder, and calm? Maybe things that seem like nothings...are somethings. Maybe you just can't see the results right away. Maybe those things take time....like a garden. Like growing fruit. But maybe I'm wrong.
These recent weeks have been about control.
And how little we are in control of. Silly humans. Thinking we can plan and predict, and draw out our route with precision and security.
May we say something about how little we actually can control....which may only be our voluntary movements...and that about sums it up. We are not in control. We can never be in control. And this is a wonderful thing.
There seems to be only one way to sever ourselves from this turmoil of 'trying' to be in control....and that is to give it up. To give up our measly attempts to conjure up some rational safety net, to give up our sense of having provisions, to give up our ideas and thoughts about how we can prepare and 'fix' things, or how we can do A and B to get C. Hahahaha. Silly humans. No matter what we do, we are not in control, and thinking we are is silly. When it does work out like we hope, it's because it was meant to, to bring us where we need to be. When it doesn't, it's because we need to be somewhere else...or some'time' else. We are just the story, not the author.
So what's new here in 'real'ity? Sewing work...oh wait, that's not new.
I just ran out of ink...which means I can't cut out any more appliques...which is totally fine with me! for now anyway.
I really do have to sew tomorrow though. I'd like to take pics, but its hard to focus....like really hard. Ugh. No pun intended.
Lots and LOTS of other things that need attention are piling up, so I'm hoping things will smooth out soon. This is where we know we can't control the outcomes...only to place that faith into a higher account with the boss man who can totally handle it all. Reminds me of house buying...bunches of chaos and no way to 'fix' it....but the boss man had it all figured out from the start....and everything just falls into place...because He put it there for that purpose all along. I'm almost super excited to see how things work out....while doing my best to ward off stress and worry, lol. It will be wonderful, just gotta remember that patience is always required.....and that too will be sent my way because I can't for the life of me create it myself.
Other than the chaos.....
I'm in the very early stages of starting 2 new businesses! Lol. Although I'm a bit disappointed that I haven't had focus time to work on the photography like I want to....because of business #1 which usually pays for groceries, gas, and taekwondo for the kids...and so, all else must follow after. BUT business #2 (aka: photography) has some in the works photoshoots....but we are waiting on things like props, not so hot days, and a slot in line with business #1...because I have to make some things for a certain number of those photoshoots.
#3 is in research stage still....but I'm planning right now to bring it into 'let's see if this is worth my time/energy/patience' stage. In other words, test stage.
Biz #4 is due to a wild attempt to impress hubby, lol. But I know I can totally rock it out. Just need some of that time/energy/patience to come my way. My first sample test is sitting behind me.....but the fact that if I do succeed in not giving up and my attempts not turning out 'eh'.... then it has the possibility for making big bucks. And money, my friends, just so happens to be one of my ambitions....hence the reason I still have business #1 even when it drives me batty!
Of course, I'm not really attached, so I'm okay with just cashing out and go spend my time playing piano and writing my book.....cause Book 3 is starting to get too full in my head...and will have to come out soon....my writing laptop has been confiscated by the 11 year old, but until I can get either her or me a replacement....when I'm ready to write...I must regain possession.
haha.....My story... in book 3....ends with a really really good part...which just today seems to coincide with something 'real' ...or real to me anyway.... and I think it's awesome.
sooooo......nothing much else I can write about on here. I can say that taking medicine sucks, and some doctors suck, and I think lawyers so far are pretty awesome....assuming they are on your side of course!
Renters are...uh...not really fun, so please refrain from ever being a landlord. What a PITA! Would be so nice if someone would buy it instead. One of those things that need attention....oh, but no one answers their phone nowadays even when they carry it in their pocket.
Want some random thoughts? Of course you do!
the other night I dreamt I was on a train and we all were in some group, like a class or something....and Johnny Depp was there dressed as Jack Sparrow...and I was so excited and happy for him to come sit by me and he was like 'I don't think these other people know who I am' because they were ignoring him, lol.
Ok, I'm tired, going to bed. Can't think of anything else important. Later gators.
Monday, July 8, 2013
No officer....I don't have rocket fuel behind my back....
Each day, convictions add up and the tipping point is coming and there will be no more exits to turn around. Like wildfires....the campground has been set ablaze and it will soon be too late, too late to snuff out the flames. The campers are sleeping...and we watch it burn....wake up, wake up....
Call this the coming judgement....there isn't any time left to pour water on the camp fire....the camp fire has grown too big and has already reached the edges of the tents. Soon....very soon....it will spread among the trees..and the forest will be engulfed in a blazing dancing whirlwind of a beautiful inferno. Wake up....wake up.
Something inside of me wants to just watch it burn. Wants to let the sparks light the sky, wants to let the sleepers sleep. But is there really a choice in that matter. We shake them and call out to them....yet they do not stir. We grab hold and try to drag them out to save their lives, yet they have chained themselves to their tents. Stupid, stupid campers. We try to put the flames out....but they have grown far more alive than we can contain....spilled out and now gushing forth, crawling along the ground, pouring across the land. Too late, too late. Wake up....wake up. Save yourselves...for it will be the only choice you have left once the firefighters leave.
So that probably means more that you realize, and covers more than just one topic. It covers 1:conspiracy theories, it covers the 2:schooling, it covers the 3:kingdom come...and the 4:kingdom go.....Want me to elaborate?
Sure ya do! :)
1: this country is going to experience something traumatic very soon in regards to the government. If you don't know what I mean, then you are one of those sleepers, it's rather overly obvious to the point of so much so nobody cares except for those who want it to crumble. You won't hear about it in the paper or on the news....but it's all over the place. And brother will fight against brother once again. Dark clouds are forming and everyone is complaining of more coming rain.....but oh no...its not going to be just rain. Your umbrellas won't work.
2: what a joke. the school system is a joke, homeschooling is a joke. One big joke. No school here ever freaking again. At least that is not what we will call it. Life learning...yes. That sounds better. Take your 'school' and stick it. If anyone thinks some test, or percentage, or age, or grade, or worksheet completion is going to make my kids qualified or unqualified, you need to wake up too.
3: ah....yes. Kingdom come....but its not the Jesus coming in the sky that you've been taught. He's already here, and if you can't find Him while He still can be found....you'll be the one burning in your tent. He's coming on the inside, building His Kingdom, on the inside, inside of Us. Writing the Book of Life.....we are the Book.........please tell me you can tell the difference between one and the other. Can you not tell the difference between the good and the bad, and can you not tell the difference between right and wrong....wake up. All these muddled dreamers with their heads in the clouds and if you can't see Him parting those clouds, you need to wake up. Not look up to the sky outside...look to the heavens on the inside. Once you start seeing things outside...it will be too late, much too late....and there will be no way out because the forest will be burning all around you.
4: this kinda goes with number three... Things are too black and white and soon there will be no more gray. Ever patient...but He can't wait forever.....it's not His choice. He waits, giving us time to wake them, to cut their chains, to hold back the flames....every second counts... but it must be burnt. Nothing new can grow with the old. wake up....wake up.
WheeEEEeeeeEEE! Fun times. All this rocket fuel and such....
On another note... it's almost time for dinner. I hate food. ugh. ...well, unless I'm starving, but I hate eating too, so well...food is no fun, unless it's pizza....or lasagna, or doughnuts I can't even eat... :(
Sewing work needs done tonight, 3 orders to finish and ship out tomorrow. 3 more to work on Tuesday night...and more after that, however it's the last stretch and these so can get done if I work hard and put my mind to it......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I despise that stupid positive talk like that, how fake! I'm not gonna do anything and if the boss man wants it done it will get done (usually with help from my hands) but I'm not really there... ;) I'll be working on my book #3 which I'm gonna start writing here soon. Maybe Saturday.
After a photoshoot of some sort, because those are much funner than sewing appliques!
I have 2 free dogs someone needs to come pick up too. And looks like my mediator skills are being put to the test....guess that planning procedures are in order to handle that matter. yeesh. I'm sure there is probably more going on that I can bring to mind, other than I finished part of book 4 in my head! Lol. Cleaned house today, upstairs anyway, and probably need to do downstairs too. Along with painting, because that awful color in my sewing room is not in compliance with productivity. Good day to you.
Call this the coming judgement....there isn't any time left to pour water on the camp fire....the camp fire has grown too big and has already reached the edges of the tents. Soon....very soon....it will spread among the trees..and the forest will be engulfed in a blazing dancing whirlwind of a beautiful inferno. Wake up....wake up.
Something inside of me wants to just watch it burn. Wants to let the sparks light the sky, wants to let the sleepers sleep. But is there really a choice in that matter. We shake them and call out to them....yet they do not stir. We grab hold and try to drag them out to save their lives, yet they have chained themselves to their tents. Stupid, stupid campers. We try to put the flames out....but they have grown far more alive than we can contain....spilled out and now gushing forth, crawling along the ground, pouring across the land. Too late, too late. Wake up....wake up. Save yourselves...for it will be the only choice you have left once the firefighters leave.
So that probably means more that you realize, and covers more than just one topic. It covers 1:conspiracy theories, it covers the 2:schooling, it covers the 3:kingdom come...and the 4:kingdom go.....Want me to elaborate?
Sure ya do! :)
1: this country is going to experience something traumatic very soon in regards to the government. If you don't know what I mean, then you are one of those sleepers, it's rather overly obvious to the point of so much so nobody cares except for those who want it to crumble. You won't hear about it in the paper or on the news....but it's all over the place. And brother will fight against brother once again. Dark clouds are forming and everyone is complaining of more coming rain.....but oh no...its not going to be just rain. Your umbrellas won't work.
2: what a joke. the school system is a joke, homeschooling is a joke. One big joke. No school here ever freaking again. At least that is not what we will call it. Life learning...yes. That sounds better. Take your 'school' and stick it. If anyone thinks some test, or percentage, or age, or grade, or worksheet completion is going to make my kids qualified or unqualified, you need to wake up too.
3: ah....yes. Kingdom come....but its not the Jesus coming in the sky that you've been taught. He's already here, and if you can't find Him while He still can be found....you'll be the one burning in your tent. He's coming on the inside, building His Kingdom, on the inside, inside of Us. Writing the Book of Life.....we are the Book.........please tell me you can tell the difference between one and the other. Can you not tell the difference between the good and the bad, and can you not tell the difference between right and wrong....wake up. All these muddled dreamers with their heads in the clouds and if you can't see Him parting those clouds, you need to wake up. Not look up to the sky outside...look to the heavens on the inside. Once you start seeing things outside...it will be too late, much too late....and there will be no way out because the forest will be burning all around you.
4: this kinda goes with number three... Things are too black and white and soon there will be no more gray. Ever patient...but He can't wait forever.....it's not His choice. He waits, giving us time to wake them, to cut their chains, to hold back the flames....every second counts... but it must be burnt. Nothing new can grow with the old. wake up....wake up.
WheeEEEeeeeEEE! Fun times. All this rocket fuel and such....
On another note... it's almost time for dinner. I hate food. ugh. ...well, unless I'm starving, but I hate eating too, so well...food is no fun, unless it's pizza....or lasagna, or doughnuts I can't even eat... :(
Sewing work needs done tonight, 3 orders to finish and ship out tomorrow. 3 more to work on Tuesday night...and more after that, however it's the last stretch and these so can get done if I work hard and put my mind to it......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I despise that stupid positive talk like that, how fake! I'm not gonna do anything and if the boss man wants it done it will get done (usually with help from my hands) but I'm not really there... ;) I'll be working on my book #3 which I'm gonna start writing here soon. Maybe Saturday.
After a photoshoot of some sort, because those are much funner than sewing appliques!
I have 2 free dogs someone needs to come pick up too. And looks like my mediator skills are being put to the test....guess that planning procedures are in order to handle that matter. yeesh. I'm sure there is probably more going on that I can bring to mind, other than I finished part of book 4 in my head! Lol. Cleaned house today, upstairs anyway, and probably need to do downstairs too. Along with painting, because that awful color in my sewing room is not in compliance with productivity. Good day to you.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
No barricades in heaven
This gate will remain open. This gate....will remain open, yet....only those qualified can enter through. The security has been replaced with the best guards, nothing shall get past unless He permits it to.
And has He ever. Thank you.
Standing there....silent, feeble, motionless. One would think these illusions weren't so obvious, they are though, so much so you think they are real because they look so fake. If this is the way it has to be to cure me from the relapsing amnesia, so be it, and I thank you.
And the witnesses...the blessed witnesses, we would be so lost without them. After that wretched encounter last night, today's thunderstorms brought with them both the first and second, and these things are gifts. These wonderful things that find their way to me. Beautiful coinciding miracles, perfect.
So my head still feels all pressurized and I feel like I'm on a boat. Nice way to waste away my summer for sure. I canned 2 more jars of green beans today and cut some fresh lettuce, and hopefully spared myself from touching anything itchy outside. Still have sewing work to do, but I'm a little still in shock from finishing 2 orders yesterday and having encountered these awesome coinkydinks which has again honed my ever growing agenda on eternity. However I'm afraid that certain hicks from dunlapia are in need of a lashing, due to their ability to take what isn't theirs. I do have a tendency to believe in karma, so they will have to pay that back with interest. Too bad they won't realize why their lives are never peaceful. People just don't get it and even though I'm a bit empathetic to their dilemma, there's not much I can do to assist them in seeing the stars when they refuse to open their eyes.
This thought reminds me of Him, standing above the pit. The screams coming from within it. "Do you think I would ever place one of my children in there?" He would ask, pain painted across His face.
Of course not. Of course not. But what can be done if they jump in on purpose. Grab ahold of them?...what about when they gnaw their arm off to get away. Close the pit?...what about when they writhe on the floor in agony because they want to feel the pain. Their gates are open to the dark, and the darkness is all they know. Only quick lightning can waken them.....oh, but they are afraid of the thunder...and the thunder must come too. So afraid are they....and for these is why He waits. Ever patiently. Ever patiently.
I am freaking dying to go take pictures :( and to feel better..... sad panda :(
"Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth." - Ludwig Borne
And has He ever. Thank you.
Standing there....silent, feeble, motionless. One would think these illusions weren't so obvious, they are though, so much so you think they are real because they look so fake. If this is the way it has to be to cure me from the relapsing amnesia, so be it, and I thank you.
And the witnesses...the blessed witnesses, we would be so lost without them. After that wretched encounter last night, today's thunderstorms brought with them both the first and second, and these things are gifts. These wonderful things that find their way to me. Beautiful coinciding miracles, perfect.
So my head still feels all pressurized and I feel like I'm on a boat. Nice way to waste away my summer for sure. I canned 2 more jars of green beans today and cut some fresh lettuce, and hopefully spared myself from touching anything itchy outside. Still have sewing work to do, but I'm a little still in shock from finishing 2 orders yesterday and having encountered these awesome coinkydinks which has again honed my ever growing agenda on eternity. However I'm afraid that certain hicks from dunlapia are in need of a lashing, due to their ability to take what isn't theirs. I do have a tendency to believe in karma, so they will have to pay that back with interest. Too bad they won't realize why their lives are never peaceful. People just don't get it and even though I'm a bit empathetic to their dilemma, there's not much I can do to assist them in seeing the stars when they refuse to open their eyes.
This thought reminds me of Him, standing above the pit. The screams coming from within it. "Do you think I would ever place one of my children in there?" He would ask, pain painted across His face.
Of course not. Of course not. But what can be done if they jump in on purpose. Grab ahold of them?...what about when they gnaw their arm off to get away. Close the pit?...what about when they writhe on the floor in agony because they want to feel the pain. Their gates are open to the dark, and the darkness is all they know. Only quick lightning can waken them.....oh, but they are afraid of the thunder...and the thunder must come too. So afraid are they....and for these is why He waits. Ever patiently. Ever patiently.
I am freaking dying to go take pictures :( and to feel better..... sad panda :(
"Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth." - Ludwig Borne
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