Hogwash in the pot

 I say a lot of shit, but I promise you it really is harder to actually do the shit said.

I finished my last sewing orders. Thank god, I hate sewing. Not the act...but that I have to do it first before I do soul work...and sadness...pure sadness...

I have art on the menu. But have I started it no...cause sewing had to get finished first.
Know what else is on that list first... the coop needs winterized...
two bags need names put on them...
stuff listed on marketplace or ebay...
I'm still waiting for my first sentence of book 8... but possibly a scene showed up...but not sure if it's first page relevant...

and I'm severely annoyed by people...which only delays my ever lasting greatness to jump into the flow of real life soul things... and I can't say it's their fault, but it's their fault.

But... I did get all the sewing finished in one day.
I have showed up for my workout all year.
We still all manage to get fed, and I got to do a good cleaning around the house.
So I'm not doing nothing...
I'm just not doing soul shit.

I also failed at completing my meditation lists... I got all the way through again except for the very last one.. LOL
It's still on the list though.
And I've not visited my other book either...as things there have been whacked silently weird and cray cray.

So.... I say a lot of shit...but yeah... my life is a mess too.
A beautiful one, mind you, but still... I could be invincible and unstoppable if I would just do the things and maybe if I ignore the people.

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I could make stupid plans to get up early and do all the things...but is that the answer...no
the answer is in showing up for soul... and most of that is easy...it's the laying aside of other things that is hard....cause we think those other things are more important.
Like, we know this...but it doesn't help when we want them all finished and handled and still be able to get into flow state to create and paint and write and sit in silence without people interfering in the energy...
we could brainstorm ideas to bypass these shortcomings....or obstacles, sure...but that's not the answer.
the answer is showing up in flow state while doing whatever you are doing...and it doesn't have to be creating...or being bombarded with anyone else's energy...
Ugh...so again...I find the answer to be one I often recall as being harsh, cruel, stubborn, and more villainous than most other states of being...
I like being the villain....yeah...but if I do it all the time, I tend to take it too far, Lol. It gets fun.

I'm just rambling to myself at the moment, don't mind me. I'll forget most of this in about 10 minutes.


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Imma go change my reality...later.

P.S. just an insight to keep in sight

 You know something... I had a post about not picking up the shovel...yet what did I do, two or so weeks after that..
I shoveled 45 loads of mulch dirt...

and I get it, that the analogy was about not picking up tasks to make money or get something from...

but the wreckage of coincidence sure is something, eh?

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that's all I came to say really.

of course, I didn't earn money shoveling mulch...
I offset the cost of mulch next spring for years though.
and this is stupid... this whole idea of costs and earnings and money in general.
I quit.

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There's this choice of leaving behind stupid shit.
not like stop acting like a kid or giving up donuts...
but of the whole assembly of how we perceive and receive all the pieces of this matrix system.
It is over. We don't half-ass choices here anymore...
and my consistency game is god level... something I can sit beside with trust in that

Really non stupid chaos coming soon.... it'll be lit.

just practicing writing so I can write a book soon

 45 truck loads of mulch by the way. a few bruises, some strained arms, maybe some more defined muscles... and the conundrum that I'm so unfamiliar with how to celebrate such an achievement...
Dinner out is meh... we don't need a reason to buy something either... a party and drinks out is for those normal people... food is meh... although I would love some steaks in bulk...if only I didn't have to buy them..*sigh...what is money again? What is celebrating anyway...being happy?? I'm happy anyways... weird that this is a strange anomaly...


I'm sad....cause I'm reading book 7 ...and it's going too fast...and I hate it, cause instead of reading book 8 next, I'll need to write it first  :(...
not that I don't enjoy writing and being surprised at what happens...but because it'll be slow... but maybe that's what I like anyway...and argh..
Maybe I'll make it 1000 pages and slow down the story a whole bunch so I can linger in it when I read it...

I'm still waiting for the first sentence to show up. Or the first scene perhaps... but while I kinda have a very very rough and half assed outline, we all know it'll be moot after so long...
How does it start, idk... I'm thinking it'll go deeper rather than more trauma for my characters...cause I love them and they be needing some well earned rest from trauma...
oh wait...

Also still writing the other book...which I'm not sure where it's headed right now, things have shifted tremendously the last few months. It's not long enough... I want longer. Way way longer so when I ever read it again, it'll be a long long long time before I'm finished...
cause who doesn't want to spend extra time with The Alchemist?

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So...look...this meditation thing, I've been fairly consistent with, but while I'm *winning... it's way different and my mind and body want me to do it awake...which is a whole different thing than sitting with my headphones and eye cover... but fulfilling and while I haven't predicted too much of the future in front of people for kicks... I have a strong inkling that I could manifest easily anything I want.
(not that I couldn't anyway), however, I'd usually have to really really want it.
I'm pretty sure that's no longer a requirement anymore... it's pretty cool.

And art... I think I'll do that without hating on it and being a complete judgemental ass with myself about it. ( I think, don't hold me to it...) - I started to sketch something out, but I was totally like, I don't want to sketch it at all...so I erased whatever I started and now that my commissions are finished, I can begin on it... it's one of my dice game rolls anyway...which I am also *winning.

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I call dibs next life on my hubs.
You can't have him.


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I still look at you with eyes that want you.
When you move you make my oceans move too.
When I hear my name, I will run your way.
Can we say that we love each other?
Can we play like there ain't no other?
When I hear my name, I will run your way.


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Working the soil is not the same as working the soul

 It's been day 5 of shoveling mulch dirt.
About 33 truck loads so far, filled and emptied... and why does it seem emptying it is harder, even if it's a tad bit faster...
Still have another 2 days to go... and maybe arms will forget what they've done today and be refreshed to do it again tomorrow.

I'll need to pull out me master gardener card for next spring and actually know what to do.
Which also means I will not be consulting google or the back of the seed packets...or anything of the sort.
Intuitive stuff works better...
and there's times and often all the times...when your own inner guidance and knowledge will show up when it's needed...and you can actually stop relying on shit information on the internet, books, or people.
You can totally ask those who play Jeopardy with me, how well guessing works out for me.

All this mulch was free.
Another one of those recent waterfalls of abundance that happened to end up my way.
And maybe we are growing a garden here.
Not necessarily the plants next spring, but a garden of abundance.
These things that have been given.
These blessings of hidden and surprising instances.
The forethoughts and preparations for things handed out like candy on Halloween.
But there's all treats and the trick isn't really a trick.

Yeah, we have to move this dirt from the front to the back..
but even in that, we are earning a billion and one exercise points, warm weather to grace us this week, and a few bruises and scratches and blisters.
And we got to spend time together (?) at least that's what I'm calling it.
Dirt that makes us grow strong and resilient.
A garden full of appreciation, love, consideration, connection.
Embodiment of our discipline and character.
Richness and health of the earth we live upon, live in, within our bodies.

and maybe I just want to say how much I love the hubs for all that he does
supporting this chaos and nonsense and surprise avalanches of gifts

and maybe a pre rescue from the up and coming apocalypse we are all waiting for...why not, eh

dirt does a body good.
and grows a soul too.

____and while we are on that subject... it's like growing that forest of yourself...
but it's grown and rich and luscious and soon the rain will come and we can rest in that dense canopy and undergrowth and fell complete and safe and carried and loved and honored and provided for...
Of which we always are.

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Book 8 is about gonna drown me if it doesn't come out soon...and I'm literately waiting for a sentence to hit my conscious...you know, the first sentence...that's all I need.
and I'm reading book 7 to remember what all I started and ended at, lol.
Soon! Cause it's drilling my mind and replaying scenes and I need to bleed it out.

The views from up here make it all look easy

 I had something I needed all along...
Again, the Universe plopping said materials into my hands...of which I pulled out of my own closet.
Fuck me if I wasn't so damn blind sometimes.

So I found a bunch of 'materials' to work with in the process as well...
and while I want to go to the thrift store and browse...I don't need to.

I'm being consistent in meditation, and playing my dice game...I get to do it twice a day for a week...
on top of the ones I'm not even halfway through.
Nice.
Look at my follow-through, bitches.

Lots of energy perspective, mindset, weird shit shifts happening.
I'm thrilled to accept these, wherever they lead...
whomever I become..
cause I met her today...
God, I fucking love myself.... in a not so narcissistic manner... but yeah, kinda, LOL

I have to go find something to cook for dinner...
cause little ol me didn't start the chicken earlier, so that's out. whoops...
I did get my badass workout done AND both meditations, AND the dice game level 7 done.
I'm having fun here.
And... I don't need to make anything happen.
FREE.

lov ya.

I've never felt so sure of uncertainty

 Ever think about what brought you here where you are today?

"I will send out an army, to find you...in the middle of the darkest night...
It's true... I will rescue you."

Song lyrics...
But I find you in the center of my heart when I hear those words.
Cause I know this is what you have done.
Not one moment letting me slip from the grip of your love.

And if this story was written by the gods, or the goddess...and not simple fate...
I wouldn't lay one moment of it down as a coincidence.
Because I've felt more than I've known...
and I've touched more than I've sown.
And all things are real when a child is held in the midst of this wonderful, beautiful, terrible, raging, sacred world. All these worlds within our souls and minds and hearts and beyond our eyes and senses.
In us. With us. As us. No matter what name we've given it, or what persona or expression.

You can't love any less than you've tasted...
and I've had a feast..
one always replenished moment after moment and whisper after whisper.
I hear you.
I hear you call.
I will send out an army, to find you, in the middle of the darkest night...
It's true... I will rescue you.
I will never stop marching, to reach you in the middle of the hardest fight...
It's true... I will rescue you.

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I'm getting bombarded with images of things I want that I would love to have if they weren't an insane price. And since I'm on a money fast, I'm gonna have to pull out the big guns... meaning my sewing skills.
I find this hilarious, cause I fucking hate sewing.
But I want things...and if I can make things for $10, versus buying them for $150... well....
My hubs will appreciate the effort.
I'm actually pretty good at it...and I have more confidence in how to do the things I would need to do...and I can make it work, in almost every scenario/instance....if I can find the base pieces from the thrift store in the right colors.... or close...

I'm also like 2 days away from diving headfirst into ...(say it with me without gagging)
,,,arts...and...crafts... (GAG!)
It'll be fun... but I'm tired of this bombardment of ideas and saying NO to every one of them....only to get the exact fucking materials for said idea the next fucking day....and well fuck...
Universe says get to work...
I'll need that army.

What am I doing here for the second day in a row?!

 Crimson, like rubies scattered across the dirt.
The rain causing them to glisten.
This blood we've spilled, swallowed into the earth once again...
and what have we learned, or shown, or begotten.
The casting of spells, of stories, of endless talks,
filling up the silence with mindless and numb accounts of days past.
And who are we now, in this age, in this season...
but more of who we have always been.

Will we ever change, or get cultivated into the truths of what we are.
Will we see what we could be, could reach, could grow into.
A place we could grow wild, without being tamed by the blades of machinery.
A place not burdened by premature pruning and clipping and tearing asunder.
To let ourselves grow into all that is possible...without someone to say otherwise.
Without someone to make our yards pristine, our minds cut short and proper.
What about the wildness of our nature frightens you so.

Let us be free.
We can do better when we know better.
And how do we know better if you've made us into a crop. Cropped.
Let us be free.
There is no fear in grand oak trees, or the majesty of stars.
No hate in the leaves of fall or the sprouting of an acorn.
No pain in the wind, or the embrace of the moon.
Let us be free.
from the letting of blood, from the tilling of our souls, from being conquered.
Let us grow free. See what we'll be.

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I might be showing up here more often..
its a showing up thing...
might as well...
all that time I struggled with meditation consistency...well, I decided not to do that anymore
and so I do it daily now...and going through the gateway process again.
Which is good...although, I'm eager to get to the good levels, lol
... the good levels, as in the point where I see the future and shit.
I can do that sometimes, but it got super weird there for awhile last time I did these tapes.

All the stuffs... and I have nothing else to tell today...

Shovels and the Art of Anxiety

 
   It was going to be about the the first message...
"Don't pick up the shovel."
   This statement about not picking up things to do things you don't really care that much for anyway...cause who wants to dig the hole instead of just watch someone else do it?

Then I remembered the other saying my youngest once said..
"There's more than one way to dig a hole."
   Which was about not having to have a shovel to get the job done....
   and sometimes it's not even about you doing anything, yet the hole appears...maybe from someone else doing the work, or maybe an asteroid crashes into your back yard.

And today... another message...
 (5 actually)
But one of the five was
"Don't dig the hole."
   And maybe this is quite enough for the week about not doing what I've been doing.

The messages today were...
   5. Stop struggling.
   4. I am loved.
   3. Keep the money.
   2. Don't dig the hole.
   1. Hold your own space.

in that order.
and while I originally was going to write about all the things I got from the 'don't pick up the shovel'
I did that thing where I procrastinated on writing and forgot much of what I was gonna say about it.
tsk tsk... and I know better, for reals.
So at least we made it here. For whatever that's worth.
and sometimes these things can be priceless....
and really though...
I'm building new discipline. All this showing up shit.

So...I won't be repeating any struggling motives or efforts.
I am loved, for sure.
I won't be spending money on un-necessities  :( and have to keep it instead... *more sad face...
I won't be doing anything I've been doing as far as repeating efforts of trying to get something to work...
I won't be involving anyone else in this psychological analysis

and maybe tomorrow I will do something else.

I hate life.
I hate life when I want to be logical, but there is no logic.
or when I want to be deep and feely, but there is no deep and feely.

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I can't write about much else.
it's October.
I have ideas, and while I stare at them in my mind, they involve art or creativity...and well....
    I'm still at odds with that.
I accepted the idea, but alas, I did that while I was on the treadmill and now I don't think I have the energy or effort to follow-through. I hope the Aethers understand, even if I don't.
I will attempt to return it, hopefully for a full refund.
Maybe though, I'll get inspired enough to do something artistic again...
   (which I have found that I am often only motivated if it involves money... argh!)
so...in other words, if I were to make it, it better sell...and no one buys art according to past experiences and my stubborn views of doing this same 'idea' hundreds of times...
and if I made it for myself... then I'm too judgemental about it and not much comes out the same way I see it in my mind.
fuck this shit. how disappointing.
 I would like at least 2 pieces for my downstairs room though...so maybe I will make them for myself.
Another day.

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Btw...I've got the outline of book 8 done.
I don't know if I can fit it all...there's so much I didn't even get into, but it's a lot...
I've got a lot of characters that need some development, so...yeah... maybe start on this as soon as I get the first sentence to reveal itself. Book 8 is due next year, right? I'm on a 2 year turnaround.

I'm actually still writing the other one too with The Alchemist.
It comes in pieces, whenever we have our chats.... well...really when I show up and then we chat as I write kinda stuff.
It's something else man... I'll read past entries and be like...'Holy shit, this is FIRE!'
cause it is. It's good if you like that deep Aether spiritual magic wisdom stuff. Rich.

I do wish I had the attention to write other stuff...I have ideas...but they do not want to play, so I guess that's out until they find room to visit me.
I'm not a writer any more than I'm not an artist. I just do things and get fucking nowhere.
my angst of late... do not mind my animosity towards myself.
I'm kinda good about it though...I don't want to get anywhere truthfully. Things are good just as they are, albeit they could be better and less illogical.

It's hard to change yourself when you don't want to be anyone else and don't have an outline, LOL
no guideposts, no samples, no taste tests, no map, no path...
Beautiful wilderness. Mmm
Yeah...we gonna be fungi today...that sounds good.
<3

~ What a Little Tree Had To Say ~

 ~ What a Little Tree Had To Say ~

It's been 2 days...maybe it has been 3.
When the threat of some invading plants was brought to my attention for my front garden.
The front garden area, mind you.
The part the other people of the world see.
The part that represents a whole heck of a lot about the people who live in the house.
The part that stands as an agreed upon totem of the neighborhood.
"You've got stuff growing in your plants." I was told.
...
So I grabbed the clippers and headed up to see what was amiss.
I thought it was going to be that dreaded trumpet vine that made a forever home in the root ball of my azalea bush I replanted a few years back. The one I couldn't get the vine detached from because it was growing literately through the azalea's root itself. This I had to cut at least 4 times a year as low as I could get it. Yet it always grows back. Always.
But, it wasn't the trumpet vine I had a determination to not let strangle my bush... it was a tree sapling.
I call it a tree sapling, although it was like 3 ft high.
...
I stared perplexed at this little tree, that I hadn't seen here before, not even a week ago...
and felt myself hesitate as I was unfamiliar with the species.
I sighed and went to get my phone.
I came back over and opened my app that identifies plants...of which it told me it was a type of Ashleaf Maple. Different then a normal maple, cause who couldn't know what that is, I have 2 others in my front yard... but this one was different.
But...it can't grow here. I sighed and leaned down to clasp the clippers around the base of the trunk. The trunk that was maybe an inch thick.
But you see... something stopped me. Something held my hand as it paused, with the blades waiting to sink their teeth into this tree. Something. Something I noticed, but didn't hear fast enough.
My mind played out the words. 'It can't grow here.'
I squeezed the clippers and severed the tree from it's roots. I walked over and placed the now cut tree in the garbage.
...
It was nothing. It had to go. There were a hundred trees elsewhere. It couldn't grow there.
...
and fuck me...cause yesterday night I was grappling with this whole experience. This minor, nothing, not important, trivial, undeniably soul opening piece of life.
What within me chose to end it's life...even if it was 'just a tree'... over choosing something else. Something I didn't even notice was an option...until after the fact.
I could see that I hesitated and felt something before I cut it. It had to have been 10 seconds. 10 seconds...which is a long ass time when you are 'getting things done'.
I hesitated and stopped my hand for those seconds. But there was so much I couldn't see fast enough.
I could have dug it up, it was small enough to dig up and move. That would have been better. Even if it was going to be included in the wilderness of my backyard.
I could have waited 10 more seconds to receive that option. I could have waited when I already knew something was trying to get to me. Something was trying to tell me...
And I wasn't fucking listening.
...
And this has served me more than I'd like to admit...
and probably has made it harder for those around me to understand the changes I've already made.
I won't be able to do this again. This frivolous get it done impatient bullshit.
I won't choose to cut down a healthy tree again. Same as I won't kill a bug in the house, or a spider. Not even the ones in the driveway, or yard...
I won't be choosing the comfort of appearances over the life of a little tree spirit.
I will wait. I will listen. A long time if I have to.
...
This little tree was trying to tell me something. I didn't listen.
And while I did fish it out of the garbage can, give it some root hormone and set it in some soil...to make amends... and I had to explain what the heck I'm doing to others... what has been done is done.
I've chosen to listen now. And what will be done is something new. Something good.
And my front garden will still be the front garden, where the azaleas bloom at different times, and the sun dries out my planter too fast. And while I let the grass grow way too tall in May, to the peril of my neighbors... I won't apologize for choosing life. Of a tree. Of a tuft of grass, or 50 of them. Of taking ten times longer to decide if I should cut something down or not.
Nah... I've had 3 days of wrangling with the energy of a little tree.
And this tree speaks with love....of love....even for me.

writing prompt cause it makes things move

 
   I spent many years cursing these steps. Many times arguing about how steep they were, how everlasting they were, how they made me suffer, how they stressed me to the point of exhaustion.
   They were stone. Cold and damp from the lack of sunlight and heat. They continued higher and higher, always leading me upwards into something more.
   But I was angry with them, angry that they made me suffer. That they were the reason my legs hurt, my muscles hurt, that my mind raged with frustration of not already getting to where I wanted to be...which was at the top...the top of the world...the top of these blasted steps.

   Yet... it was by a chance moment, while catching my breath...when the sunlight streaked through the opening at the top...that I realized something profound.
   That it was never the steps that caused me such grief. It was not the climb or the distance between down below and up above. It was that my legs at the beginning of this adventure were unable to withstand the journey all at once.
   It was my lack of strength that invited the pain. My lack of endurance that created the suffering. The lack of flexibility that strained me so. My lack of allowing. My lack of patience....of acceptance...of understanding...of awareness...of love.
   It was all me. I was the reason the climb had been difficult.
   The steps were doing exactly what steps were called to do, which was to provide a path upwards.
It was me who created the false anguish, the hard times, the overwhelming odds.

   But now... as I still climb some of these steps from time to time... I know my legs are strong. My calves like iron. My feet assured and centered. My resolve is focused and fully aware that it all belongs to me.
   And these steps... thank god for these steps which have already carved a path for me to follow. These steps which wrought my strength and passion and patience and power and meaning and truth.
These steps that created me... and created me to climb and overcome and reach the top of all that was before me.
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Another writing prompt, and I'm liking these things. It feels like it expands my reservoirs of hidden occultist knowledge.

a story I wrote from a prompt

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   This wasn't the first time I was here. The ground was damp and the air cool, but I knew it would be warmer by the time the sun rose high enough past the treetops.
   I could hear echos in the distance, across the bridge and beyond the rocks climbing higher up the ridge. The music traveled down the ravine to where I stood across the other side of the bride.
"Why do you keep coming here?" My thoughts begin to ask their own questions. Questions that tend to leave me overthinking or worse, ignoring them altogether.
   I knew, from every time I ventured here before, that once I crossed this bridge, the person I was, was dislodged from my being. Across the bridge, I was someone else...but perhaps, who I really was. The one that didn't find herself limited by the wiles and whims of the world and it's people.
"Across the bridge is true freedom." The voice echos through my ears.
   But was it really? Was being all of me actually freedom, or was it simply a different view of who I always had been, had I not had so many worldly distractions pulling me to and fro? I disagreed with the voice and sigh.
"You keep coming here to rediscover yourself. To cross the bridge ten thousand times until you no longer return." It says softly.
   Did that mean I would have to pass away from this life to stay across the bridge? I also disagreed with this as well. There was something I had always felt that trumped all the ideals of the voice, of the thoughts, of even the feelings... it was the knowing that I was both the one across the bridge and the one standing on this side. And I wouldn't abandon either.
   Maybe it was a stubborn delusion, or a downright offensive version of never agreeing to the popular narrative. Maybe though, I was right. It felt right...and wouldn't that be enough in a simpler time?
"Just cross the bridge and stop thinking so much." The voice says, already annoyed with my rambling notions of unity and a healthy vice grip on keeping all that was mine.
   The bridge...I smile...the one that connects me to more of me...and one that didn't even need a bridge to dance hand in hand with. I close my eyes as the wind casts past me and down further into the ravine.
All these things and objects and connections...when none of it mattered when the music from atop the ridge played. We all... I all... could hear it just the same.
"You're rambling" Another voice says to me. Not mine. It belonged to a friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a few weeks.
"I always ramble. I'm trying to write a story here." I jest, more happy to see and hear him, than focus on the scenario playing out.
"You are not writing a story, remember... You are writing you. Like we all write ourselves." He says.
"The bridge is me." I accept. "This part, that part. The connection when I'm paying attention." I shrug. "None of it matters so much except that I'm here for it all."
"It matters." He replies. "What we build on this side, on that side...and what strengthens what is between them."
   I know he's teaching me something. Something deep about how some bridges are rickety and shaky, with rotten wood and frayed ropes, and others are built strong with stones or metal. Some one person at a time, others tractor trailers drive across. The stronger our bridges, the more connected we are to the parts of ourselves that have even more abundance and joy and truth and love.
"All bridges connect." He adds quietly. "And we benefit from the good things on each side, without ever losing what we've gained from the one we left. They connect."
   He's right. We can travel both ways, here and there, back and forth. And even more bridges will be built when we find another world within ourselves.
   And maybe this bridge wasn't even really here in the midst of a ravine. Maybe the forest and the river and the music wasn't all there was. Maybe it was all us. And the bridge... was me.
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That was a writing prompt posted by one of my facebook friends.
I'm the only one who wrote something that wasn't a two sentence story about a troll or hobbit.
Whateverthefuck.
Fucking sleepwalking clones and no wonder I'm so fucking bored with this pissload of craptastical humans.
Anyway...
yardsale, day 2... didn't do as well as day 1... but got to talk deep with some guy about religion and god delivered some krispy creme doughnuts to me....so yeah... nice.

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In other worlds...

So we have to relevel the pool ourselves evidently. Looks like if you want it done right, you do in fact have to do it yourself. Which sucks, cause it costed us $500 for it to be done wrong.

I don't have anything else to write here...
I'm trying but I feel a negative energy just like... stop girl, this sucks.
so later peeps.

 It's been 2 months and that time lack thing about meditating is still at the threshold of my patience.

I don't even have a job.
I do still pet sit.
I do still get my workouts in.
and all the little errands and tasks...
I have sewn a few things at home, with new boundaries and limits set in place.
yet, it's like with all that is in my hands or not in my hands...time is still awol.

So this means it is an energetic thing I'm creating...

not including the 3rd eye practices I'm toying with again as of late.

an energy perception that isn't even real...
yet when do I meditate?
   maybe at night for 30 minutes... maybe.
maybe in the afternoon after my shower...maybe...sometimes...
but consistency is still lacking.

I haven't had a real conversation with the Alchemist for what feels like weeks... but it could be days..
I don't even know cause time is skewed.
"Time is skewed."
hmmm...

something here in these words...


______

Other news... cause I can't use my facebook as a free for all diary, *sigh, first world problems
still writing other book when it comes through...
I found out I hate writing that way.
I like a story that writes itself. A story... not what this current book is...
second thing is also I will not be posting it publicly..
yeah, it will end up on amazon (unless I change my mind about their cover printing..)
   but highly doubt I will tell anyone it's there.
The Atlantis book is up and available on kindle and softcover. It's 70 pages and amazon fucked up the page numbers and I'm too lazy to go and fix it. You're welcome.
I haven't received any feedback on this...except from the hubs and he don't count.
 

________________________

Hey.
Yes?
The dream thing, whats up with that?
Clear channels bring clear messages. Or something to the effect.
I didn't ask when.
No, but you were definitely excited about the occurrence and possibilities. That is surely, enough.
Yeah, I guess.
Really? A whole new dimension of expansion and potential...and you are an 'I guess.' How thrilling.
I'm still interested in that step up for myself, compared to the rest of this hovel. I don't much care where they are.
That is something to leave behind with the land that will be cut off.
I don't want to be good, Mustang. Or right. Or correct. Or what they make of the high.
You want to be certain.
Mmm... that feels exact. Yes.
You get to keep who you are. But the parts you cut off... get left behind.
What if I like being a step up. Ten steps up?
Perspective. Everyone has their feet on the ground, but a shift in where you view from is what makes that appearance as you desire.
An illusion then. The hierarchy.
A fable. A misconstrued opinion based on only a piece of the truth. As many things often are.
A delusion then. Got it.
The richness of one's soul is found in how much of you are at peace with you.
So...when the world splits, so to speak... just be more me.
More me? Try just being that me. Without any labels, conditions, specifications, or definitions.
Yeah. Me. And all that awesome shit.
Yes. That perhaps, may be a step 'up'.

So seriously... when?
You will have to ask someone who knows.
Gonna hook me up with that dream again then? Cause I think that guy might know.
*Shrugs

So I showed up, even if we are haphazardly just chatting erroneously.
I know. I will allow this.
Allow? this.
*Shrugs
Also an illusion....delusion. But you don't have to be good either I suppose.
You seem to think I am.
Ha! You've broken more rules than I have.
No. I have broken a few rather important ones. You however, have been making sure you are the winner of the rule breaking challenge... for quite awhile now.
I'm winning?!
You are not losing. I assure you.
*Fist pump

How to become Free... like totally fully you...

How to become free.
How to release and receive.
How to know yourself and what you desire.
How to take the steps.
How to navigate the fears.
How to show up.
How to be.
How to...

These are questions only we can answer when we've done them.
And even then, the answer expands and grows as we keep stepping forward.
We don't jump from the matrix, or the job, or the bad habits, or limiting beliefs overnight.
We do it in this second. In the now.
Then we do it again in the next second.
It's discipline. But not the kind that takes a whole bunch of effort and hard work.
It's the other side... the allowing and accepting and relaxing.
Both.
You get further with both wings, both feet, both contrasting parts.





Freedom means awareness.
Freedom comes when we define the cages....the bars...and the energy that makes them up.
It comes as we begin to see past them. Take actions that support beyond what the cage provides.
This means...to know what is causing you constriction and stress.
   to know what parts are not working, not supporting, not embracing you.
   Once we know these things, we can plan actions that help us step away from them.
   This can be done over a period of time, or in an instant.
  What are you prepared for? How desperate is your situation? How much does it really matter?
We plan, we take the step we can take for today.
   if that means putting in a notice, do it. (the next step doesn't show itself until you take the first)
   if that means packing up and moving back home, do it.. (call your family, gain support)
   if that means unburdening yourself from a relationship that isn't working, do it. (communicate)
   if that means resting more and letting go of stressful tasks, do it. (Allow yourself to be cared for)
...your freedom is personal... be personal and intentional about how you want to navigate it.
  
Freedom means creation.
It means defining your needs and responsibilities that you DO want to keep.
   this means setting priorities, making them into your plans, supporting your best pieces of life.
And what can help you support these important things?
What can you delete that stresses them and what can you add that benefits them?
Where can you arrange a balance between the give and take? At least for now?
Where can you allow more, and where can you receive more?
What are you creating that flows to and for these good things?
What are you creating that is blocking those good things?
   I know you know these things. Those times you don't play with your kids because of something stupid. Those times you work overtime but haven't communicated with your spouse about anything all week. Those times you forced yourself to get things done, but couldn't allow yourself to be cared for by others....

Freedom means balance.
   But not like work and play... but like slow ease, and quick excitement.
It means patience and space. Breathing room, lots of cushion. Lots of forgiving and understanding.
It means acting on inspiration, on energy that shows up in the moment.
   not to think about it until it dies off... but to move with action when you are alive and carried with a unnameable passion.
It is an ocean of waves, and sometimes we are at the surface, riding waves and enjoying the sun...and sometimes we are in the depths of silence and repose.
   We can choose to tread water and get tossed by the sea, or choose to navigate what comes with skill, with ease, with intelligence. And we can choose to dive deep into our soul and discover who we are and whether we want to move toward a goal or be satisfied with were we are now.

Freedom means power.
   Saying no to what isn't for us, and yes to what is.
It means having the choice EVERY DAY with what or whom we will engage with.
It means the choice to play with society for today, or not. To create something today, or not. To be someone today, or not. To speak today, or not.
Choice IS power. And if you don't have a choice you have NO power.
Begin choosing what is FOR you.
Begin choosing what you want.
Begin taking actions that lead you towards what you love.
Choose to begin.

Freedom is in the NOW.
   It's not tomorrow or yesterday, or just a mindset thought.
It is right now with who you are being and what you are thinking right NOW.
It is in the choices you are making today.
The thoughts you are thinking today.
The way you are either moving forward or backwards or sideways.
It may seem like it's about reaching it in the future, but we can't reach what isn't built.
We build it by BEING it. Today. Now. In this thought. This action. This choice.
And it grows when we show up and stay consistent with those thoughts and actions.
    If we carved a rut with a not so great mindset, it's going to be a bit of a challenge to stay out of it and carve a new beneficial path... but it can be done...in a few days even, it's about your awareness of your choices, actions, words, thoughts.

Freedom is energy.
Use your emotions to propel you out of the ruts and onto the road you want to create.
If you have to cry and yell and scream and rage to shut up your shit thoughts, do it.
If you have to close your eyes and meditate for an hour to align yourself, do it.
If you have to lift heavy things and run a mile, do it.
If you have to take a hot bath and blast music, do it.
There is no wrong way back home to YOU.





No one can tell you how to do it. Not really.
We can lay out the paths and maps and hand you a compass and a gps...
but sometimes it does no good to those not yet ready.
That's okay.
Some people love their jobs and lives and they are prime examples of success.
Some don't work, have everything they need and want, and love their lives, and that too is success.
Some like the push and pull all the overcoming of trials...and if they are happy, that too is success.
But freedom is usually only sought by those who don't have what they need or want. That haven't found a love for life. That don't experience success.

So what do you want for yourself?
You can change things over time, or you can do it today.
You already have the freedom to choose.
No one gives you freedom... it is an energy that flows from within.
What blocks it is all the things you put between YOU and IT.
the excuses, the 'but's, the doubts, the past, the fears, the victim card...

No one can tell you how to do it. How to be 'free'.
But you can. You can tell you how to do it and you can do it today.
Summon your courage, your strength, your resolve.
Free your self. Your soul. Your ego. Your mind. Your body. Your limitless you.
Take all of who you are, all your parts and pieces and aspects and run with them.
Trust them. There's no cutting any part out when you are free to include them all.
Freedom is freedom of YOU.

~ Jennifer Coots ~ https://www.facebook.com/JenniferCoots

Static clings to those who haven't discharged their electrons...? wtf am I talking about

 I'm here, but I must admit that I'm in the inbetween.
That place of static, where you are no longer on the previous channel...
and you certainly haven't honed in to a new channel either.
So there's static and jumbled music and screeching.
It's been a bit lonely and lost. Although I recognize these spaces and transitions really damn fast now.
However, I'm still working on accepting the time it takes to get from one channel to another.
Patience just isn't doing it for me.
It's been weeks... and rather I feel like I'm in one of those padded cells.
Nothing to see in the Aethers, barely anything to hear...although I can hear far better than seeing.
The Alchemist is around, but the visuals are awol.

He claims I need to decide what I want..
ya know, do the focus and feel the emotional vibration of what you want.
The actual process of manifestation...
But for some whatever reason, I am subconsciously ignoring the steps to meditate.
Like a compulsion to do anything BUT that.

and maybe it's just the new moon...
Or some astrological bullshit.
Maybe I'm stubborn and really do not want to get distracted on a side quest.
Maybe I want nothing... yet everything wants me...
mmm....
That resonates stronger than I expected... interesting...
I shall meditate on it, LOLOLOLOL!  or not, lol.





I'm still sitting here, distracting myself from just closing my eyes and feeling.
Yet, even now, writing about it... avoiding it like the plague.
Not even a type of 'NO' forceful avoidance, but a ...
'look at this other thing to look at or contemplate...don't pick up the phone and call 911...
cause there ain't no doubt..bye bye bye ....
and fuck me...

Going to yard sales tomorrow, just for fun.
Then to best buy for a tablet.
It'll be too chilly for having our own yardsale, so aiming for next weekend, weather cooperating.
There's still many tasks to do around the house.
Still lots of yard stuff.
Still awaiting the day a dirt guy comes and levels the yard for my pool to get set up again.
Still doing the things and showing up... although my workouts have been slacking this week...
we had storage units to move and clean out for two days... and I had errands 2 other days...
and while I did walk the dog today, I got a workout in yesterday....but that was it :(

I blame the fact that the doc is checking shit and I had to wear a heart monitor for 3 days...
and I'm pretty sure it's not my heart causing my physical inconveniences.
We will see...
but I'm betting on fluid build up...a bit of anemia...and/or a pinched nerve/disc in my back.

and I've got eggs. Lot of eggs. 1.5-3 dz per day, lol.

____

So I took a chunk of time and meditated...
I did all the things..
I made no decisions, only felt... and felt just energy.
Really soothing and I'd like to go to sleep now.
So yeah, thanks for that. G'night