A year for the dreams of pain

Well...I had another dream last night...it wasn't one fo those 'We have to leave right now!' dreams thankfully, but still...it was a bit ...how do I say it....odd.
I have strange dreams (don't we all) but this one was above average strange.




We were in a city, a modernized city, something more up to date than what you usually see (at least in Tennessee). Really fancy like, but not to the point of overly futuristic.
I was on the streets...no cars, just people walking. I don;t even think there were roads?? Anyway, suddenly everyone started to walk inside the nearest building to them....me included. Sort of like we knew we had to go inside because something was coming. No one ran or spoke, but in an amazingly orderly fashion we went to the closest building near us. (Almost like programed zombies...weird.)
I knew my family was at out apartment in another building, and I wasn't even concerned about them, I was sure they were safe.
When we filed into the building (me and the other people from the street) we went up to the highest level that we could get to. Everyone was standing around, but now they were talking trying to figure out what was happening.
Then we could hear the wind outside and there was bright flashing lightning (but no thunder) going on outside. Everyone started freaking out.
In this building there were these large roundish sculptures, I started to climb in behind them once everyone began running and screaming. The window above us was gone (not sure if it got busted out or what, I didn't hear it) but water was splashing into the room, sorta like rain, but it was splashing up from downward, not falling from the sky??
More people screamed and took cover. I knelt down inbetween the pieces of sculpture to stay safe from whatever was happening outside. ( I could no longer see from where I was, but I could still see the lightning flash)
There was a small group of people to my right who were crouched together crying. A single person to my left who was scared and shaking.
I squatted there calmly as I watched them...trying to figure out why they were so scared.....when I myself knew that I was safe and secure...and then I woke up.

I didn't wake up suddenly with my freak-out meter beeping (which would be serious cause for alarm) but still....it was too strange.
Now that I think back, maybe it was a flood...but it came too quickly, so perhaps a tsunami? No clue on the lightning with no sound, except it reminds me of the other dream with the lightning that formed from the red cloud things....sigh. It's impossible to analyze dreams, until after something happens, lol.
But we were in a new fancy city....I wonder if this means hubby will get that job and they'll relocate us to somewhere else...hmmm...near the beach...like Virginia....
I like the beach and I'm really glad we were safe...well, my family was safe and I was safe....and evidently I had more money than I do now, because I was wearing a fancy suit.
I wonder if I had a camera around my neck?? okay, there I go daydreaming now, lol.
No fun watching people scream and run for their lives...I feel sorry for them...that they do not have peace...they do not have security...they do not have sanctity and they do not know how to take rest....but are rather swallowed with fear. :(


So it's also new year's eve....what do you think of that? I think it's great and lame all at the same time, lol. But am very glad 2011 is over, cause it was ho-hum. I guess that means I'm ho-hum too. Oh well.
Looking back...let's see..what happened in 2011...
A bundle of people proved how far they are from their God.... found me some real winners right there.
Roller derby.... cool ass roller derby :) love! (but it's making me kinda broke)
Sewing work....I made more than last year....but now I hate it. Perfect! :) 'cause I want to be a photographer now.
Got a fancy CH/A unit...love! House is warm and electric bill is the same (not including that loan payment on the system though) love
Felt better this year since we stopped drinking the poisonous tap water and now pay double for spring water....love feeling better...but you'd think the tap would be safer than it is. Kinda really sad that people out there still use it to drink...or worse if they give it to their kids/babies/pets....even my plants die if I water them with the tap water....sad, and it makes me angry.
New truck, love...new truck payment...don't love.
Fancy embroidery machine, love...but no longer awesome.
My book 2 is almost finished, love....but it really needs about 5 more chapters and I don't have anything to add to make it longer, haha. (I will not do what Stephen King does and talk about stupid crap to fill up pages...STUPID!!!!)
I got my CCP, pretty cool...but really pointless if I don;t have my own thing to carry with me...duh...but that's what being poor does to you :)
I even got my tax id and a resell permit for my biz...but NOOOOO, I can't afford to buy the fabric in bulk to start out....and it is stupid to pay taxes if you make under $20K a year....stupid.
What else....I helped two wonderful kittens. I gave away stuff (and have more if someone wants to come pick it up) I worked for another boutique (like a real job!) I painted a desk (that tells the future!!!oooohhhhhhoooohhhh!!!) I learned a bit about astronomy. Taught the kids a bunch of cool stuff and neglected the dumb school stuff :)
Got a new mattress earlier this year and now I hate it....boo
I'm growing out my hair...boo.....BUT, only so long and then I'm going to dye it red for a photoshoot and then I'm going to cut it all off!!! Yay! :)
I have a pretty garden this year, but I am still finding it difficult to find a place to put the butterfly bush....ugh. It looks like a big weed and it needs sun, and everywhere but the center of my yard is shade, and I don;t want it in the center of my yard....boo
The people in my head are real....I have proof and confirmation... :)
I don;t think I had a visitation with the big guy this year that resorted to a freak-out...or maybe I did....they all feel like they happened just the other day....sigh.
I started this blog, haha....which freaked out a few certain people because I talked about South Park....whatever, lol. I think you're all funny.
Not sure what else....went to the beach, fun!
Black Friday shopping sucked ass this year since everyone else went out the day before....whatever people...you suck. I didn't even get anything good except a back-up sewing machine for when I kill mine.
I learned to make homemade cookies without milk. Yum
I read some books, cool.
I watched some movies, cool
Got some guineas....which are fine except the one female we ended up with makes a thousand times more noise than the others...yikes! and I thought roosters were bad!
Successfully taught the kids all the states, capitols, and bones...although I'm not sure how much they retained of it, lol. It's been awhile since we reviewed.




There's doorway, high atop the spanning hillside. through the door is where you'll find your rest. No rushing, no hurry. No fighting with time. Peace of joy and beginnings and endings.
You know you need to do something....you know something is wrong...when you are at the breakfast table..."Hurry up, quickly, finish, are you done yet?" During the schooltime hours..."hurry up, stay focused, get it done, quickly." Chores and tasks, ..."hurry up, come on! Grab that, this, now go." Dinner..."move, clean that up, wash your hands, sit down, hurry, now get done..."...the constant voice behind your lips that forces out something other than what your heart pleads. "Let's go, get in the car...move it! We need to go!" the rush...that struggle, the attempt to control time...to control your world, to control your life and your surroundings, to control those around you to have them fall into perfect alignment with the made up fantasy that you were raised to believe is real....
No....stop....step through the doorway. Nothing will ever be as you think it should be. everything is perfect as it is...it is you who needs to change...you who needs to let go....do not be afraid...He is there, within you, waiting, making you look up to the door, pleading for you to let go of everything...
but your heart is silenced, His voice is covered by the tension behind your lips....."quickly, now, hurry."
Stop...look, listen...feel......
You are missing so much...you could die tomorrow. You could die and you will have rushed getting there.
Scream out the control....Scream into the howling wind. Let it all go......

I would seriously recommend clearing your chakras!
Since I am ushering a new book recommendation each post for January (even though its not Jan. yet...) I can sadly say that all the supposed chakra books I have ever read are literately stupid! So your in luck...but if you want to go about the simple...'omg, that totally makes sense' version, I recommend watching the episode of Avatar:The Last Airbender (cartoon series!!) where Aang is hanging out with the guru and learning about how the chakras are and what you need to do to clear them...I am serious, the cartoon actually tells you more in one 20 minute episode than any book I have read about them......Go watch it! I think it's Book:Earth, chapter...: something or other...it's right before the day of Black Sun battle...
Just saying...it's pretty awesome. But the chakra things is wicked cool...but you need to be sure you take it further and involve God in it too...about that letting go thing....cause there is so much more to Him than what you taught yourself to believe ;)
Have fun with that.

Yikes, it's late, I gotta go write in my other book! (after I grab me a piece of cake!) Love you all, beautiful crystals upon the setting sun of rage and glory. ...

I forgot to give you your gift....
I found this on an angel's page (at least I'm going to call this person that...because there's something magical about them) -
Please go listen...it's rather beautiful...but I'm sad we all have forgotten what real magic is....
GO HERE--it is my gift to share with you....

Við skulum bera saman við sjávarföll á undying ást ... í hjarta konungs okkar
Google translate will help you figure that out, much love lightning bugs ;)

The gifts that are unseen....

There's things in every life that we overlook and forget the meaning of. Things and memories that seem insignificant until we are without them for a time.
Like the sun that breaks through the clouds after a week of dreary overcast days. We see the sun once again and our eyes light up to meet it. The rays that streak upon the trees and cast shadows across the ground. We remember the beauty and the warmth that it holds.
Like a child's laugh after a week of feeling not so well, we remember how things ought to be.
Why is that when we have these gifts....we continue to overlook them as something as the norm? Is not every beautiful thing, every amazing thing, every simple thing a gift?
Like the purring of your cat when you hold their body close to your ear. The rumble of its joyful life. Peace. Happiness that it shares with you. Is that also not a gift?
Or perhaps the way that african violets and miniture roses bring us joy when they bloom in the winter, and in the fall, and spring, and summer too? Mine do, they sit atop the shelf in my kitchen and share their joy by producing such colorful gifts each and every season unending...or in the case with the african violets they produce far more than I have room for....but I still appreciate their radical blooming strategies and get excited when I once again see even more buds poke up from underneath their circular leaves....
and my miniture rose bush that stretches out a vine as far as it can go, its tender vine leaning against the window, its leaves facing outward to the skies....and a tiny bud envelopes the end...the best gift it can bestow.


These gifts....so obvious, yet overlooked by so many.... I strive to not let my eyes fall away from seeing these gifts. Gifts given by Him who carried them to me.

Sometimes I wonder why. Why for whatever reason was I worthy of any of this....
I'm sure you haters out there think the same thing.
Sometimes we crawl back into the corner and throw stones at the mirror that reflects our image. We hate ourselves. We are faulty and it shows in our failures. We are nothing other than the dust that we trod upon. Worthless. Hopeless. Lost. Unloved, unthanked, unremembered, forgotten, and scolded.
Why would anyone think we fail on purpose? Do they think we go to the trouble of proving our worthlessness when all we ever wanted was a friend that wouldn't judge?

Then there's the other side of the mirror...not the one on the outside where we cast our stones...but the one on the inside. Here we know we are perfect and could only be considered as such so long as it also included our flaws. The flaws are what define and gives definition. Engraves our soul to see and hear and understand the words that He speaks.
This is Wabi Sabi....the finding of beauty in the mundane and ugly. Redefining who and what perfect is and just seeing it perfect just as it is. Like He sees us.

Its like seeing an old rusty car parked in the middle of a wheat field. The wheat is ready for harvest in the blazing orange sunset...the car is trapped by the grain, yet looks out from the field....it was once loved, but now forgotten....but is it? A bird makes its home within the fender and a family of mice live among the cushioned void of a back seat. Memories of a child pretending to drive a racecar echo from the steering wheel....beauty never ends, it never hides.
Those who can't see it only close their eyes to it...and forget...and refuse to see it wherever their hearts may refuse to look...because they don;t want to see beauty in anything else....they are caged..... and they cannot hear His voice tell them that the door is not locked, they only need to open it.


It's the end of the year....the challenges of a few weeks ago and beyond are long forgotten. Bills still follow at your heels just the same as the last year, they still plague those of us who will not pass up opportunity and say yes to experience and life.... I am guilty of this.
and I may possibly be guilty forever...because money will not dictate what I do or do not do.....it perhaps only delays it, but never says no..there is no 'no'. Only 'maybe later'...
The world revolved and evolved into a more hateful place and its people forgot who they were, forgot whose they were. People judged and condemned and withheld peace from one another. Animals died...children suffered...and not one thing you have to show for it....




There was no cure for cancer. World hunger did not cease. Peace became a fantasy. Trash still litters the streets outside. Families still struggle and are dying from the stress of not only the economy, but from forgetting the beauty. You haven't even spoken to your neighbor in months. Your friend just wants someone to talk to. Your children still hope oneday it will all get better....you keep telling yourself that....it will all be better one day...oneday.
Sorry.....but I must not silence my thoughts, I should not spare you the heat from the furnace....I will not. Cover your ears, but do not avert your eyes....Look for His face.

One day will never come if you don;t have it right now. Why just oneday....why not everyday...every single day.
You people keep saying you are waiting....waiting for Him to come back and save your pansy asses, to take you away from your work....away from your struggles....away...argh!
I think you need a high five...in the face...with a chair...or an iron...no wait, an anvil.
Save you??? really? He saved you the day He gave you eyes to see and ears to hear....but I am supposing you are still deaf and blind and dumb too...
I told you before that Heaven is not a place you will 'oneday' go.... it is a life you will live...and you don;t have to wait for it....just accept it..accept the gift....all the gifts He has already given you....
Screw all your hopeful dreams that you'll need to die first before things will get better...sorry....but things will get better the instant you see them as such...see than as His...see them with new eyes....
"Death is the stripping away of all that is not you. And discover, there is no death."

Oh well...enough of my rant...I don;t want to be mean. I love you all too much.
I'm just saying that everything is possible now, today. And a new year is beginning, even though I think the idea of 'new year's resolutions' utterly suck just as bad as the idea of christmas.
Point being that we shouldn't need a date to take a stand upon our own lives.....do or do not...as Yoda says. All there is is now.
And christmas ....do you really need a special day to give a gift...any gift....do you need that special date to call your family or say hello....ugh...stupid, stupid, stupid. All there is is now.... Did God only give gifts on christmas? Does that mean He doesn't do it any other day?...you suck if you don;t know what I mean. I'm not explaining to stupid people.
and YES, I call people stupid sometimes...heck even I do stupid things sometimes...but me and Him like to have good laughs about it. Geesh. Someone throw this box into the furnace...it's getting cold in here.
Back to the now in the real world....oh wait...I just watched the last Harry Potter movie the other night... (btw, I'm not really a Potter fan, I thought it was dumb) ...Anyway when Harry was in the the white train station near the end....the wizard guy said that "Just because it's in your head, doesn't mean it isn't real."...I had an OMG moment.... This counts as another living proof that the things in my head will manifest....see....I'm not crazy...the wizard guy said so. :P nah nah nah!!! Lol.

Ok, I might be a little crazy, but I can live with that ;)

In other odd happenings.... I'm gonna recommend a book for you all...and I am utterly sorry, but it is a Christian based book...but I'm reading it and only got to like the 4th chapter so far...but it's called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.
I kinda really like her blog, so I had to get the book and well....you should read it...or once I'm finished you can borrow it, just let me know.

I think maybe I should give you a book recommendation each blog post for January...what you think?...but you may not like some of them, haha!! I promise it won;t be those dumbass summer reading books they forced us to read in school (like 'The Old Man in the Sea' what a horrible stupid book that I will never make my kids have to suffer through!!!) and I'll leave off the weirded out book about sociology and brain patterns...because frankly, those were boring as shit and only really learned something useful the fourth page from the end...go figure. And I will guarantee there will be no Stephen King books....omg, I hate his writing style...I do not care about the cup on the table, where it came from, who made it, and the origin of the paints that are on the cup...the damn cup doesn't freakin matter!!! He must like to fill ten pages about the dumb cup when it has absolutely nothing to do with the story...STUPID!!!!!!!!ARGH!!! I wasted 3 days of my life attempting to read one of his books...never again! I'll stick to the movies...maybe..even those need help.

So...want to hear some good news......... me too, please share?
Oh...it's almost January, which means in about a month or two...we get income tax in...which means we get a large bill paid off.....which means that I can possibly maybe afford that Nikon D7000 with the 250mm lens....

And I wrote a list today regarding my work (sewing) ...and I will follow it rather closely, so if I come on here and complain that I hate sewing.... it's because I've failed at that task...
But I have a conference call with Catherine from Cash and Joy on the 4th and I'm sure she will be able to make sure I do not fail myself...I'm excited and skeered!!!Lol!

and the truck is messed up....hubby will be taking it to the dealer Tuesday after work (assuming it doesn't die before then) anyway, we have a warranty, so they should fix it up..we think it may be the coil pack...maybe he'll get a nice rental car..like a mustang or something awesome...
Bad news though is its $100 to have them fix it, regardless (but the coil pack is $100's of dollars) so not too bad, except, it would be nice if we had $100 extra laying around. And here we were thinking January was going to be better than December. HA! Yay, for contradictions and challenges that help me laugh into the face of realism. :) So we will end it on the thought that today is great...and tomorrow will be awesome...and the next day will be amazing...and the day after that will be stupendous! And so on.... :)

Smile, Jesus loves you.

Lol....I couldn't resist....I like to mess with you by saying stuff that I really mean but make you assume I don;t mean, but really do so you think I don;t, but do...kwim?

Attraversare il buio con una luce che non va mai fuori.
Google translate will help you figure that one out ;)

Chirping with the music....

Sooooo..... we all know stuff (as in things we want but don't really need) is hard to get and hard to keep and even harder trying to find a way to afford.... Similar to this......which is so gonna be mine in the future....I hope.




Why is it so hard to have something that really is nice?
It reminds me of my boots. My boots that I bought from buckle.com.....those boots that I absolutely LOVE!!!
I even woke up in the middle of the night to pick them up off the floor so our new puppy at the time wouldn't even have a chance to even think about looking at them the wrong way....those boots.
They were not cheap, though I do admit they were not the $250 ones I saw at Eddie Bauer...those were also awesome looking...but I compromised and bought these that were just as awesome for less than half the price.
Yes, it was more than we could afford. Yes, I didn't ask permission to buy them. I just did and the ups guy delivered them in 3 days.
I love my boots and they are awesome. I spent a pretty shiney couple hundred quarters on them too...and you do get what you pay for. = LOVE.
Unlike the mattress we bought that we cheaped out on and is not as comfortable as it should have been. Unlike the other pieces of cheap crap we ever bought and they turned out to be just that - crap.
And people wonder why I am set on a Nikon D7000 and not an old out of date cheapo Nikon D300 from the twilight zone of the past....or some other brand that promises a bunch of bull, I have reasons for wanting this one and much too long to write about....

And I get to do a photoshoot for an ad...and then I get do do a calendar photoshoot that I've been dying to bring into reality....
And I find this fascinating..because this new adventure is breaking me away from sewing...I hate sewing, other than things I want to sew. Like that cape for my photoshoot....DUH!
Anyway...I wanna go do great things...and I have to deal with what I got until I get that thing pictured above.
It would be nice to have rich friends or have someone buy me it with the 200mm lens kit.... so I can do even greater things quicker. But don;t give me money, because I would pay off bills...because unfortunately I am responsible most of the time...and I really would need to ask if I spent that much on something...just sayin.

But we live in the real world.....where no one helps a girl out. And I can't do it myself very fast....it takes time and planning and detailed explaining so when I can kinda sorta afford it, I will get to buy it on my own....but that won't make you look any better....just sayin'
but I can take your picture and photoshop the hell out of it and charge you a session fee and you will look better then....how's that sound?


Oh! Good news though....it's my turn coming up with catherine from Cash and Joy for the free hour consult....omg...I'm skeered.
Lol. Gotta talk business and stuff and I suck at that. I'm excited though.

And the things in the fog (assuming you read my last blog post) ...they are getting louder...what's the deal? I hope they will bring me a camera so I can take their picture and post it on facebook before I get eaten...or they die. Just sayin'
Things are so weirded out....but I feel we are on a lunch break right now or something....waiting.
And what's with the strange cloud things that have been popping up in the sky in Texas and Mexico?? They kinda look like those damn cloud circles I had the dream about...that were followed by the red spots that turned into a large silent storm and we had to get out of there....hmmm....


So anyway, let's talk about something useful....How about time and peace and thanksgiving....




I have a violin....I got it off of one of those Target daily deals for $50....and believe me it was awesome...and I like my violin except for the fact that it is cheapy (read above regarding that) but great for a on the moment splurge. Anyway... besides the fact that the violin how-to books teach you the hard way and not the easy way how to play, it;s rather fun playing with it.
You need to get the timing right to make the song song correct. You need to be peacefully calm when you play or the tension in your hand and arm will flow out from the strings harshly (unless you want it that way)....and you need to be thankful that it has only a few notes on it compared to a guitar....so it;s much easier to learn in that sense.
Similar to our lives....we need the correct timing to have things brought to perfection, for things to be set right or the right timing to make them right. Time to learn patience and to build our strength. Timing that we must wait upon....as it is not under our control....
I can't make the things in the fog rush out or flee...or tell them to do anything....them or us...we just have to wait.

Peace? Calmness? What is that? Oh wait...I remember....but for some reason I forget rather quickly when I think up the list of things that need done. Things that are waiting on me...things I can't just tend to right now....these things steal my peace....and they make you forget that peace and they make you forget Him. Forget that He is the only thing you should be listening to.
You know I have heard His voice...but once when He said "Stand up." ...It wasn't a suggestion.... obeying is life. Turn your ear towards His calling....not to your own, not to your brethren. Not to anything other than what He gives you at that moment. then you will know peace...and it will flow through you.
No more yelling or anxiety...or sorrow. Because the best you can do is serve Him...serve His people that He gave you.
and if others think that what you are doing is less than the best, ...tell them to try serving Him and see if what they do is better than what you are doing....He doesn't play favorites...(though He does laugh at some people) ;) namely me mostly..but still, just sayin'

Ok...and thanksgiving.... be thankful for what you have....at least the not cheapy crap that falls apart...lol.
I'm thankful for my boots and for the other unnumberable moments and people and situations that surround me. .. for it all really... except... hmmmmmm except nothing. I can;t even think of something so bad...that isn't good in some form... ticks and fleas and mosquitoes maybe...and poisonous bad things that may hurt people...that kinda stuff.

Gotta go, me tired.

So in an effort to say goodbye in a more random exciting fashion....

Ik zal schreeuwen met de huilende wind.

google translate will help you figure that out.... much love furry catydids of fury and wine.

A Warrior's Heart

There's a stand still. Motionless. Silent. Eyes open. Sword in hand.
All is quiet and still. Not even the wind survives. We stand ready. We are waiting.....but for what?




This is where I find myself. It feels odd and strange and somewhat needed. I stand alone, although I know there are others who stand with me. I cannot see them or hear them, but I know they are there. Perhaps that different plane of existence or something. I know they are there....I do not hope they are or assume they are...no, I am sure of it. We are all waiting for something, but He will not say.
We are not rushed or afraid. We stand like guards, although we know once it begins that we too will fight into battle.
Are we the front line? Where is our Lord?
Where is the enemy?
Out beyond us is nothing but barren land. Dry ground...devoid. A think fog covers the distance. It is silent, but deep inside you can feel the movements of what's coming. You can hear it's breath.
Our Lord comes by to keep us awake as we wait, though He has not spoken for quite some time. I do not ask Him to, as I know we are waiting and we must stay alert for the arrival of what is to come.
I ponder how long we must wait, as in human life terms, we all know it is a short time...and many days are lost while we patiently stand in the midst.
I'm sure we are accruing wisdom, along with patience and endurance in this time, but sometimes the watching is enough to make you forget that things do not run on our own time.
Inside I feel like I am not worthy to wear such armor. To carry this sword. To stand at this line. To stand among so many others who are far more worthy than me.
I have failed time upon time. Fallen again and again. Learned but then forgotten all that He has taught. Why does He think I can fight in this army? I am not afraid of the enemy, but only of failing Him.

It is strange....that we stand here without wanting to move from our guard. We want to stay and uphold the line. To wait and strike down any enemy that may come from the fog ahead. To serve Him without question or delay. We stand. And we will fight when the time comes.....and it is coming soon.

It's like a spiral...like when you have a string with a weight at the end...and you twirl it around your finger....the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes....
Have you seen what these times have wrought....? All of what has been destroyed? What has been built? The expansiveness of mankind at a rate like that of a racecar on the Audubon.



time is fast...and it comes swiftly. Let it not surprise you one day when you find that the sun no longer rises....but only the fog.
Fog of confusion and desolation. Of being lost. No longer yourself, but that which you must be so as to not get punished. Your words will be silenced....your hearts will be caged. You will know the pain of your existence and will be unable to break free. Fear will hold you captive...and so will your thoughts....

We are the front line. And we will hold the line...but only you can ask to join the army....You may not be placed with us...but He will place you just where you need to be...


that was....ummm...weird. I guess I should've put that on my other page...probably not this one, lol...You're really going to think I'm messed up now...hahaha!

Anyway...back to this dimension....but not really, as I have been finding it more and more and more and more difficult to stay here.... it's weird. Kinda like when you have one of those messed up dreams or visions....and you can't get it off your mind for one second and it stays there for weeks on end....and you think you will never have your regular life back...not that your regular life is all that appealing anyway.
Mine kinda sucks. Not bad...but...
Without a passionate goal to conquer (because we are waiting - see above) it just kinda feels like what you do throughout your average day is just like ho-hum... Like it all only matters for today, because tomorrow it won't.
Just yesterday I was cleaning around the house a bit and I just had the strangest thought pop into my head...it just felt like I was cleaning a hotel room. That I won't be here but for a little while, and it really doesn't matter if it is super clean or organized...because in just a little while it won't matter...it's all just borrowed stuff and soon, it won't even belong to you anymore.
I admit though, that kinda freaks me out....and excites me.
I'm kinda really anxious on the outside, but on the inside I'm like a little kid who's standing before a big present and gets to open it in about 5 minutes...standing there doing a little hop and clapping your hands together lightly so as not to make a scene....lol.
I'm awful....I know you have no clue as to what I'm talking about....and it's okay. It really is relieving to just write it down.

Anyway....I finished chapter 15 in my book last night....and oh my...the good part is starting, so that means instead of about 3 hours writing, I'll be doing it until sunrise...because you just can't stop when you are in the ZONE!! And it is the good part...and near the end...so I'm excited!!! And plus I get to spend more time with my characters, whom I love...yay!

I also want to say that I have stuff I should be doing....but I'm not....and I am willing to live with that choice.
I am literately on the verge of purging all that does not allow me to BE. So please bear with me if I seem harsh or really quiet at times. I'm just realigning my mojo and jamming the switch permanently into the ON position.
Just a friendly reminder (warning) :)

I'm gonna go have a bowl of Cherrios here in a sec, and then after that, I'm not sure...no promises...I'll be just wherever I find myself :)

.......and standing and waiting, with sword in hand.

Apples keep falling on my head.....

Freaking out a bit here....
Apples.....




I read this article today CLICK HERE...which I thought was kinda cool....because well, I had painted it back in June of this year....see










Which made me think of the other stuff I painted on this desk...which includes a lunar eclipse???big waves???a dragon too??, swinging star??...I'm kinda having a WTF moment...
See..the thing is most of the time I only get those WTF moments when I go back and read some of my deviant art journal posts from a long time ago...because I read them and realize I had written some of that just before something either amazing or life changing had occurred...and I even wrote that something was coming...so I tend to freak out a bit...but then I saw the apple thing and well...I think I am examining certain things a little more closely now...

This does not include the shit I just heard on youtube just the other day about the two moons people have been seeing in their dreams...because I had a dream like that too...and you can go back to my posts in either Sept or Oct. about those whacked dreams I had because I wrote that shit down...only because the ones I wake up from like that tend to have some sort of connection with reality....it's really messed up...

Anyway, I'm just sayin'....
I know things have been weird lately, even though nothing has actually happened....I still feel a strangeness. Idk.
So maybe if we get lucky...or all hell breaks loose...the people who say the Moon represents Jesus...means these two moon thingy's represent His second coming..that would be great, because I really don;t want to have to pay off my bills or worry about avoiding milk anymore....gonna go have that party and I'm gonna eat some banana pudding and caramel coated cupcakes and chocolate....milk chocolate. Lots of it.

But let's not get sucked into the hopeful and let's live for today!!!
Anyway...I was thinking about journeys.



and how we really never know where we are headed.
The truth is that it doesn't really matter where or when....just how. If we decide to be normal and play along with the game that everyone else seems to enjoy doing...or whether we decide to escape and walk outside the path. To unwrap ourselves fully and behold the treasures that were nicely tucked away under the barriers we placed before them....so no one would see who we are...no one would know who we are...no one could see us, feel us, or be able to hurt us....but is it really true that they couldn't hurt us...we had the barriers but still we hurt. Not only by others that we tried to hide from, but by ourselves as well from covering our lifeforce. Covering the light that shines within. We hurt ourselves...we hurt Him that gave us those treasures...we were ashamed of His gifts. Ashamed of someone seeing what we were born with.
Who taught us to do such things? To hide what He gave us? Was it society that said 'you are not good enough as you are therefore we will make you better'? Was it those who entered your life and told you that what you are is wrong, that you are not enough? Who was it? Who was it that said to be ashamed of yourself, to be ashamed of your gifts?
When you are ashamed of your treasures...and you hide them...and you refuse to let them out because you fear retribution....or scoffers...or haters....then you are ashamed of Him too....whether you realize it or not.
He revealed Himself and even with all the haters.....why do you fear to do the same? What are they gonna do to you?....
Nothing....because they are nothing....and they will not see His face on the Day of the Lord.

Yikes...really need to stop the rapture crap. But I'm just saying...

I don;t care who you are, I will tell you what I want to say. I will do whatever I want to do when I feel like doing it. I will do it even if I'm afraid. Even if no one else will. (Especially when no one else will) even if I don;t even want to....cause you got to set an example for your people..right?
Sometimes I get frustrated or pissed or sad or whatever...and the big man hears all about it without me having to worry about how I say it or whether or not I put 'dear Lord' at the beginning or 'amen' at the end...screw that shit....cause when you have to talk, you have to talk...Do you really think you can hide from Him like you do the world? Do you fear your own father?....That you're not good enough for Him either?....that you won;t say it right, or ask for something the right way...that you need to do something before he'll pay attention to you? WHAT!!??
See what society has done to you....they scarred you. See what sin has done....it has made you ashamed of Him....

But whatever....it's your life.
Have a nice day :)

so what if I have too much going on...

......simply put.
Things are really weird.

Gonna do this the easy way today....
http://shadowdragondreams.deviantart.com/journal/
yay for links! :)
and pictures...



Didn't have time to really do a good search for what I wanted...but just think if I had my good camera (Nikon D7000 + lenses, hint hint)...I'd be out taking pictures to go with whatever weirded out things I may write. Just so you know.

btw....I'm suffering from a bout of ADD...so if I come write something again later, just deal with it...and if I do nothing today, it'll be okay...and if I decide to do something that makes you go....'ooookkkkkaaaayyy???'.....it'll be fine, it's just the way I roll sometimes.

Lol....I just put bout and roll in the same sentence....derby practice is not until tomorrow...argh.
Argh?? Like a pirate...I think Johnny Depp played a really hot pirate except probably for the smell...but I still think he's kinda cute as Jack Sparrow.
And pirates usually have more money than me...and wouldn't that be great to have more money...being broke sucks. Not that I would buy anything except for a few Christmas gifts for the kids....sigh. Still...
still....being still would be awesome...like being not constantly moving, thinking, or doing.
That reminds me, I need to really go get schoolwork organized....yikes....that requires sitting in the same spot for at least 2 hours, so I am probably going to do that after I leave here...
School sucks. I remember school...and it sucked...I hope my kids realize how good they have it not having to get it seared in their heads that they have to meet so-and-so certain requirements to be or do anything. Nope, they can be them...and that is what is perfect. Perfect in their own eyes, not in that of their teachers or society. Well, except maybe for Jesus too...
Anywho....Jesus rocks.
Do you know it is kinda nice outside today....it would be really awesome if I had something to do outside, but I already finished the other outside stuff, so now I'm back inside delaying the task of schoolwork organizing.
I need coffee...gonna go now, but I may think about maybe possibly coming back later when I don;t have so much on my mind....and I want to thank Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE for smacking me upside the head this morning....
goodbye.

machines are for pimps

Today is Tuesday. Messed around with my embroidery machine and realize that every single embroidery place I searched on for awesome designs unfortunately only carries cutsie designs. Wow.
Now that is good if I wanted to do cutesy, but bad if I want to do awesome....see my dilemma?
Anyways, looking like I will have to learn to do my own digitizing...because the custom software that came with the machine is for infants who want to make circles or squares....not awesomeness...and I don;t want to pay for something I will only use maybe a handful of times or less.
Yay for education and learning.....ugh

The yudu machine is being stupid....I followed the directions to a T....and it is denying me the satisfaction of it actually working like the how-to video shows it working. BUT, me and my awesomeness is going to try it MY way....., then if all else fails, I have an ebay seller's account I can put to good use.

I've been finding that doing things the hard way really has been the best way...because when I try to make it easier for myself...it comes out not as good, not as awesome, and just plain sad....
It's like seeing awesome art on deviantart.com for free, then paying someone to make awesome art, but getting something worse than your two year old could draw.....very depressing.

It's like seeing Jesus, then waking up....and you realize nothing in this plane of existence will ever be enough again. Sad, it really is.
But, that's my life....and we all have to deal with it, lol.

Sooooo......went to camera club today too...and I am really wanting my Nikon D7000 right about now....because the door of opportunity is wide open, but I can't go through it because of lack of proper equipment. I want to hit something it is so frustrating.

Oh, and since we are dreaming about getting a nice camera.....hubby applied for a fancy conductor job....trainee pay is the same as he makes now, and besides the having to travel to the trainee place, it tops out at double what we make now....soooo....if we have to relocate it had better be near the beach.... He can do that, and I can open my shop....and go swimming every warm day of the year.... yeah... :)
I'll have good skin...and every hurricane we get to take a vacation, lol

Do you realize how expensive invisalign is?!
Just sayin'

I'm off to do a few more embroidery designs, then going to go write and finished chapter 14... *happy

No words of wisdom today except that the original Mayan calander end date was December 24th, 2011, but they had changed it in the 1980's to Dec 21, 2012....but don't expect anything cool to happen, it never does :(

Oh, and go hug a child today....you may be the only one who gave them a piece of joy....a piece of yourself.
Much love hoolagins full of dreamberry wine. Shade and Sweet Water.

Grrr..Yay...awww...boo...argh...hooray!

Today I sewed up a very cute princess dress with layers of ruffles and 4 princesses on the front.....
I did, yep, I sure did....but I'm a bit sad...because I didn't actually enjoy it. Nope, not really...
See, I didn't loathe it like I do with orders (mainly because I kept telling myself, I don't have to do this at all!) and not to mention I got it all done before dinner, and it turned out cute enough and it wasn't as hard as I remembered those types of dresses being....
But...I didn't enjoy it....and I don;t want to waste my time with things I don't enjoy....
I could have gotten something more pressing done because it's actually important, or I could have just took a nap.
I was also thinking that maybe I could get paid for it right away and my paypal would have some sort of $$ in it so we can pay for gas this week. too...but of course, the world is out to get me and the buyer is waiting until Friday.
Which is fine I guess...not awesome, but whatever. I am patient...enough.
I can't tell you how awfully sick I am of just fine or whatever....I want FUCKING AWESOME!!!! Is that so much to ask every now and then?
I know I'm probably one of the least deserving people on the planet, and that's fine and all....but shit. Can't I get a break. Hell far...what's bad is if I wasn't broke as shit, I'd be doing things for other people...but now I am starting to think that I should just give up and turn into an evil greedy person, so's at least I can enjoy a tiny piece of my labors....
Everyone else does.

And then I also start thinking...things like how they say 'you know who' is all you need....well, that's crap too. Yeah, you get that great foundation, but the issue is that He wants you to build on it...and unfortunately He doesn't give blueprints, provide the construction crew, materials, or funds, to do such endeavors. Which sucks. When you ask what He wants, He shrugs and smiles....ugh....why is He so difficult....just like a guy.
Anyway....so even though whatever you build will stand, the fact remains that you yourself will change and you can tear down and rebuild anytime you damn well please and that foundation will always be there to hold you up.
The hard part is knowing what you want to build....and then wanting to build it.

I built things before....but I must be honest....tearing them down is way more fun than building them, no matter how long they took....
Like a sand castle....you spend all sun scorched day building and moistening and carving out windows and doors and turrets....and when you are finished, you get a pic and then the inspiration hits to pretend to be King Kong or Godzilla or a deranged giant and you and the kids smash it to smithereens.....and you have more fun than building it... so after hours of labor.....the last 30 seconds were the greatest....
Yeah...good times.

hahahahaha!!!! I just thought of something....but shoot me if you think it's way too religious (I despise religion, get over it) ...anyway....I wonder if that's the way it is until Jesus comes back. You know...working your ass off for nothing, but then afterwards you find out it never mattered, but you get to have a party anyway.
Assuming you believe that. I don;t care what you believe...and I'm too contradictory to share what I believe.....because believing is one big fat joke....and the whole world fell for it. ...I get to sit here laughing at it...although it's no funner than falling for it, so I guess we are both screwed.
and the only cure is re releasing it all and starting over....but even that holds no joy except for being able to breath better until the next time you rely on your own thinking again.

As you can probably tell by now, I'm a bit irritated and sad and happy and passive tonight. I am sure it is quite confusing since I'm rambling about nothing in particular...

In the short version....I want to quit sewing. I want to take pictures, but I don;t have my Nikon D7000 and I don;t have clients. I don;t even want to talk to people sometimes, lol....I swear I am losing it thinking I could be a people person. oh, and I don;t want to have to drive somewhere to do a photoshoot all the time. I have kids, I have a long way to drive to get anywhere too. and I am poor. I guess I am screwed.

Now, back to being AWESOME....you know what...I just want to be wanted....everything else can go screw itself.


Want something happy? Me too, please share.
Oh wait....my piece o'crap kodak camera is not dead yet, which is good. Target has a guitar on sale for $33, which is good...oh wait...I want my camera to die and I really don;t need a guitar....damn it...
Happy....hmmm???? Lol... I know...today hubby acknowledged my adopted brothers.....even though they really aren't and I never met them... :) that makes me happy, that I can adopt pretend family members....and now my insanity has been acknowledged and therefore it MUST be true!!!
Yay!!

Funny though that I have a handful of adopted uncles and brothers, but no girls...lol, unless you count derby sisters, but I know them, lol. Oh wait, I'm adopting 9Nania from youtube, because she's a nut like me. I think that's all...so far.
I think I might go to bed early...or go write a bit in my book since I'm almost done with chapter 14. Though I am afraid book 2 just might end at like chapter 20 instead of the hopeful 30...hmmm, oh well. Can't mess up the story line now that it's already been embedded in my brain...and so has parts of book 3, lol. No putting things in as fillers...because the more I get written out the more room I have in my head...and its getting quite stuffy in here.

Tomorrow I must get schoolwork reorganized for next semester. Maybe cut out some snowmen designs. Roller derby after dinner. Really need to give Coraline a bath too. Have to do a Glock logo with the embroidery machine and possibly get two other logos prepared as well.
And then just house cleaning if I happen to remember. ;)

I'm outta here. I'll come back to write more when I actually have something useful to share or say, or not...or whatever...it had better be more awesome than this shit. Sorry for the wasted time. :P

Yeah...let's spread some weeds, lol!!! Maybe I should've used a better analogy :)

Soooo....in a rather serious attempt to waste time...look where I find myself, lol...writing this stupid blog post. Ain't it lovely?
See, here's the thing. I could be in that other room sewing together a dress top with smurfs on it, but if I do that I will do it for too long and by the time 9pm gets here I will not stop to go do what I want to do (which is work on book2). So if I just dilly dally until 9pm, I then can just go write at that time. If I sew, I kinda keep telling myself, that I could do just a little more, just a little more, one more ruffle, one more seam...and well, then it's 11pm and I won;t have time to write...so see... spending time here works although it is very nonproductive.
And doesn't make any money like that smurf dress would, lol.
Yeah, it's kinda like shooting myself in the foot...oh well. If I get to write it makes me more happier and gets me to the next chapter....and eventually to the end of the book. Then I can get started on book3, haha!

I could always go play with moondough with the kiddo too...and I may, or go start writing now, but what fun would that be if I didn't get to write a blog post about my boring existence, lol.

I found something last night. Not that it was lost...just forgotten about...and I technically refound it, or rerealized it. I'm not sure what keeps making me forget or 'lose' it though. Ugh, I need to rework my schedule or something so I won;t keep forgetting....and I'm working on that.
Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE said that routines kill your soul and turn you away from peace and freedom...so I'm taking it that my morning coffee and internet browsing is going to come to a swift end starting tomorrow. That means that schoolwork will get started sooner, and maybe I can get the house cleaned in totality instead of parts of it each day..and by the time the last part gets cleaned the first is dirty again...lol. And as for sewing work....hmmmm... I have fortunately came to the conclusion that I don;t have to work on it until I want to. Luckily sometimes I really want too...especially at 12am when I need to go to bed, but unfortunately I usually choose to go to bed because my sewing machine is loud....and I'd hate to keep hubby up since he gets up at 5:30am...And my orders are finished...and I'm not obligated to make anything...this is nice, I really hope and pray I can keep from burying myself in the grave of obligation...I think I will go draw out a plan for that....because actually putting it on paper at least 10 times seems to work for the most part. Or posting it in large black letters right in front of my face so I can remember, lol. Yes, I have an issue with attention deficits, lol! It's called being an artist of too much...I get scatterbrained sometimes.....deal with it, I do ;)

Anyways...what do you want to learn about today?
That thing I lost.....it's not a thing, but a truth that seems to hide from me...about the fact that God is not up there or out there or that way, or somewhere else...nope....
But, you already know that...and I do too...but I think all these other things get in the way and make me forget that...not really forget, but see it a different way than what it truely is....
I wonder if other people are so distracted by things in life that they lost sight of that too? Maybe they can't remember...maybe they never knew...
You know He isn't anywhere where you are not...He's inside...always..carried along in your being....possibly hidden away under our own ideals, and rules, and regulations, and troubles, and goals, and plans, and gripes, and things that only we have covered Him with...
Then we start to think of Him as being not IN us, but somewhere else...and so people search elsewhere...to the skies...to their teachers...to their churches...to their books....
You can learn about Him out there in the world...but you can never know Him like that. You'll need to dig Him out from underneath your own pile of crap you keep labeling Him with. Rules you keep burying Him with. Issues you keep judging Him with. You'll never find Him looking on the outside, you'll never know Him until you free Him from the prison you built on the inside.

Yeah, lame, sorry...I really should delete it and make it more appealing, haha...but I'm too lazy and only have 30 more minutes to explain....
How do you free Him, you ask? (yeah, you probably didn't ask, but I will tell anyway)
By letting it all go! Easy!
Letting all what you were taught about Him go, poof! Away with the wind, wheeeee! Everything you ever read and believed, Poof! Gone like a leaf in the raging river! All what you felt, thought, spoke about, heard, brought up to believe, or forced to listen to.... PooF Gone, let it float away from your mind like blowing a dandelion puffball in the wind! Gone forever...wheeee! Goodbye. Say goodbye to all your lame, stupid, made up, foolish thoughts, because they are not as good as the ones He will teach you! Goodbye lovely things you thought you knew, goodbye, things I thought I understood....and say goodbye to what you think of Him. What you think of His father. Let go of Him too. All your ideas about Him...poof. (yeah, it is scary, but I promise you it will be okay..better than okay) Let your thoughts of Him go.....do not rely on your own understanding.....let your understanding go....poof, goodbye sweet Jesus.
I am really assuming that was hard for you and you didn't do it, because it takes much faith to attempt really doing that.....
But after you are sitting in the silence....watching all your own burdensome thoughts and ideas, and preformed illusions disappear...and even watching Him fade away into nothing....in that silence
You will find Him there....there where you always were...there where you once were when you were a child. You will remember...and you will know that what you let go of was nothing compared to what you have now.
And He will lift you up...and He will show you who He is truly...not what the world taught you...no...He will teach you....as only He should.

Wheeee!!! That was fun, huh?!
It's kinda like clearing your chakras, but better, lol. But ooohh...that's bad, huh? Nope, just another stupid judgement you just layered on top of your pile of shit ideals.

Well, the kiddo wants to see if Star Wars cd-rom games will work on the computer...so I guess I gotta go.

Tomorrow I'm going to sew up some smurfs, paint some Link, and do a photoshoot for camera club. I think I'm going to choose the color white! (we get to choose a color to accentuate on...and I have 2 yards of white fur, heehee)
Oh, and roller derby..yep, gonna go a skatin'

Yeah, I know you all think I'm crazy...it's okay, I think you're crazy too. :)

stupid...don't bother reading...

Yikes, yikes yikes!!!!
I kinda want to go be a recluse for at least a whole week. Is that so much to ask?
I have some things to work on-- when I feel like it (and for the fact I hope to get paid afterwards...and we are broke as shit and NEED the money) and that is fine, because they really look fun to make....no problem, except I have a few people asking for other items...and well, I am closed!!! ARGH!!
I hate telling people NO. (especially when we have less than $6 in the bank) but I need time to recuperate....hell, I still have one shirt to make anyway that has already been paid...not that it's hard, but I don't want to add more crap to my list. December supposed to be free from doing other people's stuff and solely for family and home....ugh...
Nothing ever freaking works out. I hate this.

I could like not answer emails or something, but the other special sets I will be posting, so 'they' know I am online...shit.
I NEED an escape plan!!!!

I could just say no too....but...
argh...I guess I have to. It's the only way....and once I get some practice saying it....it'll start coming naturally, right?? Right??!
Or I can keep doing what I've been doing and end up like this and being trapped in an unhappy predicament....like always...

Off the subject...Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE said to ....well, I can repeat what he said, so I'll just say that saying NO is on my priority list now. Sorry people who want to order stuff and give me your money...sorry but NO, go find someone else....I can't get stuck here again. I'm moving on....
...and I'd be moving a whole lot faster if I had a new camera.....that fancy camera that did not go on sale anywhere in the US of A on Black Friday..... and is still too expensive for me to even layaway... ugh.

In my current emotional mood...I'll probably never get it...and I'll just give up and say ....I'll say what Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE said...and just live my life out as no one and nothing..... Nothing besides a mom and wife....which isn't bad at all....but still...
Have you ever thought you were more than what you have become (yeah, like lion king, lol)?

anyway, it doesn't matter. What I make/sell doesn't matter. How many bills we have doesn't matter. This blog doesn't matter either. The dirty dishes...the fancy embroidery machine over there...this computer...none of it has ever mattered.
The only piece of existence that my poor soul has ever affected is in the hearts of the two kids that live with me...and the heart of the one who lives for me....and that's enough....and hubby too.
...and my pretend people too.....
I suck...and am nothing other than them....


Or we can play the ruthless emotion....I can do and become whatever the hell I want....but I have to want to....and well....today I don;t want to. I don;t want to do anything. I don;t want to have that cute shop village when I'm 50. I don;t want to produce humility in the minds of people with theater production when I'm 40. I don't want to put ever photographer out of business within 50 miles when I'm 37. I don't want to pay off all my bills and finish the damn house when I'm 32....(okay yeah, I still kinda want that) but right now I don;t want to be something or do something other than what I want. Screw what I should be doing...just screw it.


We are dying on the inside.....we are all dying on the inside...like a crucifixion. And we are slowly killing ourselves....slowly bleeding away our energy to do things we think we should be doing....when what we really should be doing is what we want to be doing anyway.
make sense?


it doesn't matter.....ugh...I gotta go..I'm rambling about something I can't explain and really don;t care to, lol. God bless chipper-eyed daisies of romance.

laziness is contageous....

ummm...let me just tell you how awesome it is to just buy a premade embroidery design and have the machine do it for you (yeah, I still have to change thread colors...but still....) it was nice...and Dora and Boots were less than $7...which isn't so bad when I got paid $20 for the shirt...and that was a discount rate considering I usually charge $30.

Anyway...I will say the stupid software that came with it to make custom designs sucks bad. It can't do it very well and is more frustrating than anything else...
I will be buying designs or having someone digitize things for me...so at least it will turn out right.


Why do people get so offended? Really?! Is it necessary to stress yourself so much over something so stupid? No wonder people have health issues...ugh. Get over yourself. Just remember when you judge others, you will judge yourself equally. Remember that when you are crying in bed feeling sorry for yourself and all the things you are not good at, things you were wrong about and things that you destroyed....remember that it's just a reflection of pain you caused to others.
Oh, but for the sake of offending....what's the deal with xmas? Really now, so someone writes it like that because they either don't know how to spell Christmas correctly or they are just too lazy to bother with the whole word....is it really such a bad thing? Ugh...it reminds me of a mutant x-men holiday party...that'd be fun. :) I'll dress up as Rogue or Mystique...yeah, that's be so FUN!! Haha...
What else....hmmm...yes I'm trying to test your foundations again....
I also do not really like when people say to 'keep Christ in Christmas'. Now I know their heart is in the right place, but not their logic or education. Maybe you should google it and find out how christmas began before adding yet another label to something for the sake of whatever...
oh dang it, I spelt it christmas with little letters...it's just a word people...
Christ is every day in my world, even if I hide it or fight it, or try to make you believe something other than that, or mess with you for fun. There's no escape...and it's a beautiful thing.
Back on subject...go get educated first, then forget it all...because it doesn't matter now does it. Not the holiday, not the lights, or presents, or xmas trees, or even love......because if you won't carry it into tomorrow, what's the point.

oh, how I love pep talks with myself

oh my.....I'm here at the last stand facing the compiled list of orders....oh my....when it seems like its not so bad or too much I realize that many on the list reads 'sets'...in turn that means instead of 1 item, that means 2...oh yay.
Did I mention that I hate sewing and realize that spending the last 2 months doing it non stop (except for 5 days over Thanksgiving) was detrimental. So much neglected, like house cleaning, and time to spend doing more joyful expenditures. The schoolwork managed to stay afloat, although I can attest that it was not nearly as much as it should have been...we will catch up though.

Now, I am thinking that I can just refuse to do it all and refund people's money...but nope, it's already spent...shit.

The question is how on earth to prevent feeling like this ever again.... hmmm....still working on that one. Bad thing is I've been trying to figure it out that last 2 or 3 years and still have gotten nowhere. Okay, maybe a little further, but no, not much by my standards. I always keep going back to the fact that we kinda need the money, which utterly sucks. Poor=SUCKS!

Anyway, I am kinda really looking forward to cleaning house and playing games with my kids, and watching tv and playing video games, and creating things other than what's already been ordered. And messing around with the musical instruments I have just waiting for some time. And writing in my book....which I did work on bit by bit, but everyday would be great to have time to do. After all....it's on my 'top 5 most important things in my life' list. You'd think I wouldn't neglect those top 5 and do something that was on my 'top 5 worst things in my life'...but hell, I did (do) and unfortunately I do not know how to break free.

......you know what, I read something maybe last week about how we don't need to get caught up in the 'shoulds', like not shoulding yourself...for instance. I should be working instead of blogging. I should get more school done, I should do the laundry....when in the end....what I am doing now is the only thing that matters...yeah, living in the now.
Makes me think of ElfQuest (great comic book series btw!) funny how I've read almost every single one starting at like age 8 or so and the idea of living in the now just now only makes real sense. And that's how it needs to be. Not should be....as it is our choice to make it alive in the present and not even giving it our future by saying it should be tomorrow...when now is all we have.
......
I'm going to go change my present....I want to thank myself for giving me that most awesome pep talk just now, and I want to thank Wendy and Richard Pini for the ElfQuest comic books and the fact that Strongbow is the most awesomest elf ever and I totally look up to him and I'm gonna go take his advice.
Oh, and thank my brother for having those books available when I was little, and for letting me keep them. And Jesus too, naturally. ;)

must go...the big man is staring awfully hard my way,...

Let me just say how much I love our roller derby team and it's bench coach...

My husband is no longer pissed thanks to your impartial ways of explaining things someone else didn't do so well at....whoo..dodged a bullet there. He was gonna make me quit if it wasn't resolved.

Okay...so today, appliques are sent to the lady who puts them together...want to thank my cutter-outer for getting them mostly done ;) and for the sewer-togetherer for going to go do that....because I am freaking busy!!!!!
How busy? you ask..well... as of today I have 11 items that need put together (and that's not so bad, really!) but I'm going to have a super sale tomorrow and well...11 will look like a dream....a faded dream with no chance of return...cause, I'm sure to sell stuff, lol. I hope anyway..
I am broke...and we are leaving for VA Wednesday at o' dark thirty....and won;t be home till Sunday... so whatever orders I get by then will just have to wait and that doesn't even include the celebration sets I still have to put together...ugh.


but enough complaining.... besides it being freakin cold today and the fact that the sunroof on my jeep got clogged and I ended up with 2 puddles of water on my front floorboards...and water everywhere!!! Today is being good to me and to my friends. Keep up the good work.
I want to thank OMG, INCREDIBLE for standing behind me and tapping his foot in an effort to keep me from procrastinating...and he was nice enough to let me write a quick random blog post...along with a quick prayer for my peoples who need it....and yeah, even the ones that don't too.
Anyway, I must go now while I am still in the 'get your ass to work' mode.
Thank you all and I love you, much hugs and bubbly rambling of yesterday's tomorrows.

just call my name....and I'll be there

Today, despite the fact that I have itunes playing and I got my 'better do this today' list finished minus the sewing orders...I am hating my job again.

See, I went in there to straighten up so I can focus better....and took pics of fabrics to post for the sale Friday...and I just thought to myself...I hate fabric. I hate sewing, and I hate having to sew especially after I already spent the money, lol.
Not to mention I really need to get an order shipped out tomorrow that I haven't even started on besides laying out the top and jeans for it. The fact I need to finish up some items for the sale on Friday. The fact I need to print out applique designs.
and roller derby...ugh...I love roller derby of course, but this drama shit has got to stop. I'm still upset, and I'm not sure how hubby feels today. Grrr....things are just so stupid. Reminds me of that time once when I got kicked out of a school group because I wrote some bad words...dumb, just dumb. One school group was supposed to be about the kids...roller derby is supposed to be about roller derby...but what do I know, evidently it's about being insecure while stretching or uncomfortable if someone talks to you...fuck if I know...
I hate things when they brood.
Anyway, OMG, INCREDIBLE got on my ass this morning about getting the necessities done, so I did. Too bad sewing orders wasn't on the necessity list..ugh.

I have so much to do and no incentive to even look at them right now...damn...you know what that means...that means my weekend will be filled with a rampant attack of the sewing machines and another weekend will be lost...
I hate that I do not want to sew at all and the fact I really need the money...it's all a trap...and I do not know how to get out...and no one to tell me how to get out either...

I was feeling all nice and loveable earlier too...but now that I think about it....no, not anymore. I think OMG, INCREDIBLE really needs to give me some advice instead of letting me handle it....I suck. and I am so frustrated...

I still need to do those celebration sets too...shit....and Tuesday thru Sunday I will not be home at all to work on them... I think they are supposed to be done by the 1st...hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! yeah..right.

though at least I can sell them and make money after they have been made...so that is kinda a very nice thought. and hopefully will keep us out of the hole for December...Where o' where art thou income tax?! You are a blessing, too bad you don't ever get here till late March.

I wonder if hubby will let me sell everything and move us far far away?? I'll ask. lol

not that right here is bad...except for having neighbors..and having to keep a job, and me being upset at roller derby..and the fact that there is neither a hobby lobby or five guys in Dunlap....or a papa john's....or target...I love target.
Anyway...things I'm thankful for just for today....that hubby still has a job, that everyone is not sick...well, except me...sick in the head...that so far the bills are paid, that the truck runs just fine, that the kids do their chores without complaint...even the yucky chores...I love those kids...that even though we have been sparsely doing schoolwork lately, they are still smart and creative.
I'm thankful for all the people i do not have to deal with. and the ones I do that they are mostly pretty awesome.

Please God, oh please, please please....fix those things that need an ass whoopin'...I can't....and you can do it better anyway...fix them for me, for my friends..and for those who need to know you can fix it....

Want a story?

Once upon a time there was a rather upset girl. She was furious and frustrated and sad. She asked and asked for a way to fix the things in her life that were disturbing her calm. A way to make the wrongs a right and way to create a new beginning....but Jesus only sat and watched, he didn't speak, but watched as she let out her frustrations and dumped the full bucket at His feet. All her failed attempts, all her lost endeavors, all her forgotten dreams.... she kicked them away and towards Him. He watched her as she cried and yelled and writhed in sorrow.
She quieted after a few minutes and looked up at Him. His eyes still as beautiful as before, His quiet calm composure filled with peace. He moved toward her and asked for her hands. She placed them in His.
"What can you make?" He asked her.

"Nothing." She said sadly with tears in her eyes.
"Then what you cannot make in your life, I will make it for you." He stated.
A sudden jolt went through her. A tingling of energy...something... and it was over. She was back home....and what she had poured out before Him was not...it was gone...and it was a new day.

Like that one?? I kinda do...but I would give anything to take you there to see yourself....because in those times...everything here is nothing...only the spirit within others is all that can ever be brought there...give them the light....so they may see Him.....

love and tears....they are good things...but they both hurt when you keep them to yourself.

I tried really hard to be nice...

So this week can just go to hell with the dumbasses who make it seem that way.
yes, I'm still pissed. and yes, it will show in this stupid blog post. yes, I probably will use 'bad' words...but so far I didn't start it like I would have if I had wrote it last night instead of this morning....so count your blessings...if that's even possible.
I frankly could not count mine...too many, like the stars...and only numbered when you try to put a definite barrier around them...mine are everlasting and continuous...I'm sorry if you can count yours...but don;t forget to include those hot showers and oh yeah, the breaths you can take without struggling...and coffee..yeah coffee is good, it makes me nicer, lol. So yes, you are blessed that I haven't written any bad words thus far.....unless you count dumbasses as a bad word? I really don;t give a ...crap.

So....I am so close to just dropping every damn thing in my life except my family and moving far far away and away from every known person that exists. Even the ones I love, or like, or find entertaining.
I have this built in mind set that if you don't accept all of us, then you shall have none of us...kinda thing going on...and it makes me utterly distraught to deny any of us....because of what I suppose is old-fashioned stuff that no one understands. I don't know....
See I myself am used to being thrust out and denied (like the cornerstone, yay for education!) and I think it's fascinating to see the downfall of humanity from a different perspective. I find it a beautiful thing to watch mankind lose itself......and then one day it will comeback and repent and that will be even greater...but beside the point...when you oust one of my own...I kinda get in that mindset again...that you don't deserve me then...and you don't deserve my family either....and you don't deserve my time, attention, love, understanding, or forgiveness either. You don't deserve any of what we have....
so perhaps I'll just leave.

I wonder if God thinks of us that way too...that you denied His son and he hates you....
You know, I have experienced the feeling of someone unaccepting of my son...and it is a hard thing to get over...and I'm still working on it. But believe me....God has every right to wipe out your life and throw you in the pit...and you damn well deserve it.

Anyway....I'm too forgiving today because I am blessed that I don;t have to deal with everyday people on a regular basis....so right now I am just watching and waiting it out....if it passes great...if it doesn't great....I will leave...you never wanted me anyway. Like I said...it's all or none..

I'm glad God is watching and waiting too.....because otherwise we'd all be screwed.

just my two cents...or 12 cents...I'm still pissed....so disregard any bad words ( I actually went and erased some like a wuss)...because you can't handle them....what do you want me to say? I am so upset I could cry...whaa, people are so unfair and rude...boo hoo....I want my momma and a bottle of milk.....
shit...not gonna happen here...I eat meat...with A1 sauce...and unfortunately for you I eat with my fingers.....sorry, I'm not civilized yet to use forks and knives....I might stab you or myself. (and that means..that I'm not civilized enough to care about what I say to the point I don't say bad words or make you form the wrong impressions.)

So...anyway....that was my rant for this morning...even though I left out that I accidentally woke hubby up late this morning for work...perfect effing week so far, yes?
You know, we could sell the house and move far far away to somewhere warm... sell all this crap and just leave... no one wants us here anyway.

sorry..depressed me talking there...I'll try to behave...
you know...sometimes I just want a hug. Sometimes I just want...*sigh...look see, I can't share everything....be He knows and that's all that matters.

I'm going to go sew and get some of these orders finished...then maybe I will have time to reorganize schoolwork for the kids. Last custom orders will be this weekend...I can make it...I can make it...ugh. I just want to paint something and play with my keyboard... and clean house...lol....yes really. But work takes up so much time during holiday orders....and sadly I have no money to show for it, as what I make we use for gas and groceries...I hate being poor...though it wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have bills to go along with that.

and I hate Christmas too. I hate the tacky decorations, I hate buying stuff we don't need, I hate the bell ringers in front of the stores, I hate the mindless consumerism, I hate that on the angel trees there are kids asking for ps3 games...wtf, I don't even have a ps3! or they want an ipad or something I can't afford for myself...ugh, really?! So much for Christmas....and I hate that people say to keep Christ in Christmas too...because for one, Christmas was originally a pagan holiday (which is just fine, btw) but they changed it to a christian holiday so they could keep their party..and by the way trees are pagan too...but I like pagans and christians so I really don;t care. But Jesus wasn't born in December either, so go have your fakey consumerism holiday and stop ringing those annoying bells...
and tell me why on earth people all of a sudden care about others during this season than any other day of the year? what, do they not notice people go without things until december...bullshit...where were you in January or April, or October? c'mon...stop being stupid. Helping people who really need help is great and all, but you still denied them up until now....ugh.

and people asking for ps3 games and ipads are not needing help evidently.
sorry I just hate fake people...and even if I was beyond rich I wouldn't buy them ps3 games...I would teach them to make things to earn their own money...or start a new business to provide for the community...something other than just providing for them...cause next year they are going to want a ps4 or a droid x with service...because people buy them a bunch of useless shit and teach them that living off the government and people's good will will get you free shit and make people feel sorry for you....boohoo. and so now the people will have to provide for them all the days of their lives because you taught them how to do it....grrr

Once when I was a kid, we were poor...and the school dropped off a box of toys for our family...but even though they left it on our porch, the neighbors stole it and they got all the stuff... so the school brought in some food and some leftover stuff to give us instead....it was kinda weird. Anyway....I could've really used some books and some gloves back then, maybe a pack of markers or something...not toys. just saying...of course if you asked me then I would've wanted cool toys, but you know what I mean...lol

So...what else, considering I wrote too much already?
I hope my yudu stuff comes in the mail today. Though I really don;t need something else to help me procrastinate doing sewing work.


look at that....I get distracted and come back about 45 minutes later to this stupid blog post I haven't finished...lol
see how nothing gets done around here...sigh.

Water the soil.....choke on the meat...swallow it..c'mon, you can do it.

So, Hobby Lobby is slowly turning into a 'cheapy, "this store is for untalented people and we no longer carry the REAL supplies, only prepackaged crap for lazy stupid people who lack talent or intelligence"' as I went Saturady to find they no longer carry real screen printing supplies that they used to (I know because I considered buying them before!) but now it's only in these cheap walmart art packages for dummies... ugh.
So that means I had to order the stuff for my yudu...damn it, shipping better hurry the heck up!
Anyway, I also want to point out that besides their assortment of solid colored fabrics, I do not think they know what real fabric is...they should really carry Michael Miller ta dot prints, so I's can be happy...
That or someone can give me $1000 so I can put in my first order with the supplier myself, yeah, that'd be great. As we are broke and I have no money :( shit is expensive.
Things need fixed. Food needs bought. And well....we have enough to pay bills and eat, and just barely enough for gas.... so $100 for polka dot fabric (no matter how awesome) just ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Maybe next year...as that's probably gonna be when I get my camera too...cause my paypal account is sad lookin' and black Friday is less than 2 weeks away. yikes... let's see...roller derby stuff or camera.... hard decisions...lol

So. What else is new beside Hobby Lobby's betrayal.......
I'm almost done with chapter 13 in Book 2!!! sweet! I love my people.
The wind was a killer today! Awesome and nothing fell on the house.
I got to take a nap on hubby, awwww...
I got a huge package of heirloom seeds in the mail....yum...but they will have to wait to be planted when I have somewhere to plant them...even though I don;t eat half of what they are....ya know what, I don;t even think I know what some of them are, lol.
My order list is half of what it was 2 days ago. (but I will not be deceived into thinking there is a light at the end of the tunnel...we all know it is the train coming the other way!) I seriously never get a damn break. (and writing lame blog posts and browsing youtube does not freakin' count!)..neither does roller derby.
I'm sad that some of my friends (look at that <---- I said 'friends') are having difficulties with family health and just neverending issues and I pray they all get a break from it soon. I hate seeing people be sad...that's my job. :(
Anyway, besides knowing there's still people out there that think I am the devil and going to hell, I want to say that yes....I would go to hell to save those dumbasses down there and prove to them that God is forgiving...even to them...and I'll be sure to get Satan to repent as well. Because God's love stretches beyond any boundary you place upon the hearts of others and certainly Jesus wouldn't be contained in the boundaries you have set upon your own hearts. And yeah, I do know Jesus.....and He says He loves you, even if you have failed to know Him the way He has revealed Himself, even if you fail to see Him within others, or within yourself. Even if you have denied Him....He loves you still. There's still time....to see, to hear...to be....but it's your choice how you want to spend it.

Wah wah wah...boring, let's get into something funner than lame-o preaching about Jesus, when I can sit hear and scare the begeesus out of you! Haha! Want to know what that means....I bet you do...
Once upon a time, I went to a church...yes I did.
But this church was weird....in bible school class (it was lame!) they talked about the football score and read from those stupid ass little booklets that are as lame as those Awake booklets (if you ever read them anyway). Anyway so they would read from the books and talk about football or the party they were planning for their congregation and blah blah blah me, us we, my, mine, us, we, ours, blah blah blah...it was all about them.... anyway, one Sunday (day of the SUN! whoo hoo education!) we were listening to the preacher guy talking about the regular same 'ol baby milk from the bottle scripture stuff...and I just wanted to leave....so me and my awesome self looked over to my left and there was Jesus sitting a few spaces next to me. And I asked Him, what I was doing here? He said..."To see how they are.". And I asked why? This is boring and stupid...(yes, I do not fear talking to Him using modern english, He laughs at me sometimes..)anyway, He says "To teach those that they cannot."...
So I noticed how they were feeding these grown adults all this milk in o'bottle shit about how great Jesus is and how great it will be when you get to heaven and how great it will be when you step into your father's kingdom...and I kinda got dismayed....like really really dismayed to the point someone would burn me at the stake had I not bit my tongue...(yes, I do kinda worry about that still sometimes) anyway...the point being that you adults who find yourselves lingering this far down on my lame blog post about imperfection are going to get a wake the fuck up call tomorrow. or today, idk.
Get off the milk you sappy ass babies who think heaven is so far away and your papa left you here to struggle and cry and whine like little pansy ass toddlers who can't hold there effing spoons.....or who shoove moosh in their fat faces all day that they can't even see that your Father is not in some distant land of happiness and joy and that Home is somewhere in the damn sky and your daddy is gonna wipe your ass for you all the days of your life! UGH... why do you think you were ever apart from Him??!!! WHY!!!? Maybe it's just some of you, I don't know.
WHY do you keep stuffing your faces full of baby milk (lame bible stuff) when you should be standing on your feet and praising His name by doing the work that He has set before you. That doesn't mean to open your mouth and shout it...it means to open your hearts and show it (obviously!!) WHY aren't you eating MEAT? (not real meat, but fearlessness) MEAT that says you are His Temple...YOU are HIS Glory, YOU are HIS light....YOU are HIS LIFE....and HE is YOURS....
but no...go to church and play games with your buddies who want to make more money for your church and your churches pot luck and your churches family's but do not consider the family that lives next door...
Go drink your milk and pray your father comes for you oneday...because my Father is already here...and He is crying because of YOU. >:(
Pray your heaven calls you home and doesn't forget you....because I live at home...and it is Heaven...and Jesus lives here. You are just too blind to see anything other than the barriers you have placed upon your own hearts. and I am so so so so dismayed at your peril...
Drop everything you know...every damn thing you've read or heard or thought about God...everything!!! Drop every thought of God, every thought of Jesus and let it go like the wind takes away the ashes...let it all go....and when you are done, find what is left in your heart and you will see the Lord...and you will know His name, and you will see His face and everything you ever knew and ever will know will be nothing compared to what you will behold....and every breath, every heartbeat, every thought....it will make you see that letting go of yourself, and your ideas, and your bricks....was covering that which you always had...Him.


Like that?...I did...:)
Did it taste bitter? I hope so...
Is it hard to chew? Indeed...but meat is always that way...and it's only the fear that keeps you from growing. Fear of letting your ideals go, fear of losing what you think you know... Fear of thinking that He will leave you if you let Him go...let me tell you something...Letting Him go, doesn't make Him leave, it brings Him in closer to your heart until He consumes it...and when He consumes it, everything you see will be in love....
oh...but then you will be persecuted and people will crucify you (or threaten to burn you at the stake for proclaiming the Jesus is Lord on your stupid blog!!!)be warned. They will throw their stones. They will set forth giants after you. They will set traps and deny you their hearts. They will twist your words and make them turn against you. They will demand that you explain your actions...but they can only hear what you say if you feed them milk...as they are just children....who can't and won't even taste the meat...their hearts are hard and their souls are locked away under the wall of bricks that they have built to protect their ideals and their thoughts....they rely on their own thinking...they rely on the thinking of their church and their colleges...they cannot hear their father's words....for he speaks with meat....but they choke on it and spit it out as if they are turning their backs on Him....stop feeding them milk...and eventually they will swallow the meat and realize they have grown stronger nd it is satisfying and they will know the Father, the Son, and the Sprirt will move in them ...awaken from it's long slumber, now nourished with power and strength...and God's Kingdom will be known.....

Ah...screw it...I talk too much and no one freakin gets it....sorry for wasting your time.

Much love, my everlasting bobble heads of hydration gel and fertilizer. Much love, friends.

...procrastinating

feeling poor and broke, and achy...
no money, no energy or will to get up and get things done....however I started piddling with my new yudu screen printing machine this morning only to stop when I realized I can't get the emulsion film off without emulsion remover....I tried everything we have except gas (cause I can't find the gas can) but paint remover, lighter fliud, and vinegar, and goo off does not work....so I have to wait till I get some real stuff...boo/hiss, I was all prepared to waste my day playing with it too.

I need to get sewing work done too, like seriously, but I found myself watching youtube videos and seeing how much money we do not have in my bank account, so I haven't made it in there yet....I totally suck! UGH! Nothing will get done if I can't get my head on straight....something is definitely in the air or it's the moon or something.....cause I could care less what gets done that past few days...
derby practice is tonight, guess I should go, only to fight the resistance, even though if something just so happens to go wrong, i could be persuaded to just stay home and be less proactive...idk. I'm in one of those 'I don;t give a shit' moods.... I hate this.

Anyway, I think the world is about to go straight to hell...something is seriously up, really, can't you feel it? Things are going whacked and there's a heavy pressure lingering..idk, something just feels weird.
I haven't had any bad dreams thankfully, but it's not Friday yet...and we all know Friday is 11-11-11...and all that stupid stuff they freak out about on youtube is supposed to happen that day or something...yeah, whatever, i doubt it. Because I just know I will have to finish my orders and still end up having to deal with that one certain annoying customer who just won't go away...ugh...I am trying to be polite...I really am...but I just can't keep dealing with them...
But on the bright side, thanksgiving week is coming up and I am freaking leaving! Unless that all hell stuff breaks loose. and when I get back I will just finish up what I need and freakin disappear.... I will never sew up a custom again or so help me.... ugh!!!! I hate my job.

But on a brighter note, i have seriously realized that what I do for my job/hobby is something that is earned and learned over trial and error and not ever doing it the old people way...and by george I do it highly well....and even though I still haven't figured out my new machine and I still don;t know how to pronounce many terms or even read a stupid sewing pattern....I do it well...... and I think my prices should reflect that.....
because I have hired help....and some do a great job, and some do not, and for doing a certain technique....it seems only I can do it well......that or they are rushing and do not care if it turns out looking like crap....
and then I have to go 'fix' their shit...which in turn pisses me off and I no longer give them work to do...oh well.....I tried, but I can't sell things with my name on it if it looks like crap. ugh...
yes, i'm complaining....when I should be complaining about how much food costs...or the fact that our water jugs we order won;t be in till Friday...and well, i kinda would like them in now before the shit hits the fan in the case it actually does.....although we all know it won;t, because the world wants to stick it to me and wants me to finish paying our bills and still manage to buy food to feed ourselves too....
but then again....we have an almost paid off house and a running vehicle, and hot water, and coffee...oh coffee...I'll be back in a sec...

as I was saying....I kinda like having that stability and technology stuff...it's nice and I don't take it for granted...except maybe ink pens...I just always expect them to work and I get mad if they don't, lol. and my mini laptop...because I would die if it was messed up since book 2 is on it and I have 13 chapters already written on there!!!
My kids and the pets, and that laptop is all what I would have to grab if the house was on fire, lol. I'll take the phone too so I can call the fd!

anyway boring rambling, sorry...want something pleasant and memorable?.....let me think....
did you know....that Saturn will be exiting the sign of Virgo on the 11th...did you know Saturn holds a sickle? hmmm...interesting...Do you think you will be considered the wheat or the weed? or a hybrid?...hmmm....I'm a tree, so have fun with that ;)

giants like to stomp on you soul.....

*sigh...

somehow, I've landed myself in the valley...not literately, and I am not explaining...I hate this place, but I know it must be...
I feel all alone again. Wondering around in the dark with giants lurching around. Even if I feel a part of something for a time, it quickly gets pulled apart by something or another and I always assume I had something to do with it. Not that that is true, but I carry the burden....as always.
It's one of those built in things I came with to just not fit in... I guess it'll never go away, I'll never belong, and I'll never have a home, never have a family.
Yeah, just hubby and the kids, and Him...but everyone else is so far away... and those I claim as family don;t even know it, or they don't care.
and I'm not talking about blood family, I'm talking about life family....but what does anyone know of such things...they are all blind...and I am still hoping they will waken....still.

Nothing is bad, nothing is wrong....just me, and my warped thoughts about how we should all belong to each other...and knowing it will never happen...and we will all be lost in the shadows forever.

I went to heaven before...and there were people there whom I knew were my family, but I couldn't recognize them while I was there. Jesus was there, wearing a blue robe, it had gold designs on the sleeve cuffs....but all I could really see was His smile, His hazel eyes. I ran to Him, like a child does when their father has been gone for a long time and jumped into His arms. He lifted me up and carried me across the garden, no one disturbed us, and all attention was on each other. I can't remember what I asked Him at first, but my second question was if I was doing okay. He said "What makes you think you are further behind than when you began?"...and while I was trying my darndest to understand what that meant, I woke up.
Of course I know what it means now...the point is, I know there's a better place for us. There's a better place...and everything here in this world is nothing....absolutely nothing. And there in that place...is more real than every heartbeat, every breath we can ever take here. And we are all family, all of us....and I would give everything I have for you to know it too...everything, although I am nothing and have nothing left to give.

You'll never know where I am...as I am not afraid to go where He leads...but sometimes I cry out in silence...and no one hears, only Him....and you'll never know where we are. and you'll never see us, but we will always see you, and I'll cry for you too.


anyway...I have nothing else to say. I'm not sorry for anything I do....I am not perfect, but I try to do good....you are not perfect either, but I try to see the good in you.
goodbye