Yes...I agree...I'm a nut

Umm...yeah, I'm still a bit freaked out here...lol
remember this....one of my art projects I did on a whim...







well....lately I have been calling it my future desk...and why you ask?
Because it reveals the future!!! Yeah!

Now, I already reported about the apple incident on some other post...the one with the raining apples (which I included the news report link to it!) Yeah freaky...I painted it first ya know.
Second...notice the sun...see those solar flares coming off of it like all crazy and stuff....notice those sun spots?... I literately had to go look to see if I even put something like 'sun' 'spots' on it when I started hearing more and more about the solar flares and sun spots in the past week...weird right?
So anyway...this brings me to the huge waves...tsunami anyone...maybe here soon...the crazies I watch on youtube said nothing is expected until March, lol. Not that anything cool ever happens, but ya know, I just thought I'd post it.
The star...the star swinging from the tree....um....I'm not exactly sure, but possibly this could represent me... I'm all weird like that....with the bright light, but I burn....
Now...the dragon....this is where it gets weirder, as you really can't tell what it all may mean before something happens....but....get this...
There was no deliberate intention to paint this dragon the colors I did.... and I do not relate all dragons to be evil either...
So....see the colors, blue and gold... these are the colors of royalty... I'm liking this to Jesus, as I have see Him wearing blue and gold before, so this is where it just seems strange.....and it's in the clouds... 'coming in the clouds'...that there's rapture talk....not that I really think of it the same way most people do....if at all.
This also goes weirder when you realize that this is the year of the dragon according to China.....dang, it is a chinese style dragon too...ain't it...WEIRD!!!
Not sure if this has anything to do with the rumor about China invading America from Mexico...but I thought it was a weird coincidence.....and that they are shipping tanks south as well....whatever...not my forte.
The bee....I am at a loss, I don't have a clue yet...and it's carrying an apple....? WTF? I don;t know, I painted it and I still don;t know, lol.
The tree....no clue, tree on a mountain....? I live on a mountain (a small one, but still...)
The eclipse, no clue either yet...except it looks like the letter C.... C stands for Christ, but let's not go there.
The girl and the frog....ummmm....no idea...I rarely ever draw people uless they are being eaten or killed by something, so to have a real live happy girl in this pic is amazing enough...and the frog...ugh...I guess we will find that out later. I don;t even like frogs....but anyway...weird.
Oh...and see the wind...or the effects of the wind....how it goes one way with the water, but the other with the girl's hair? None, on the apples/rain... Like a whirlwind, blowing in all directions or something, idk....yes absent when the apples fall...ugh...no clue, but have at it. and keep your eyes and ears open.
I'll post more stupid crap when I think it up regarding this awesome desk. :)



In other news.....life is kinda sucking so far this morning....I'm just bored and really don;t want to do anything that I need to do.
Guess I need to go and fight the resistance....not like anyone else will do dished or laundry or teach the kids....*sigh.
Can't wait for derby practice...I want to go skate!

well...I guess I should step away from the computer and fight the resistance now, because it is past noon....later....and no hugs today....unless you're bringing me a Nikon D7000 with lens...or one of my adopted family members over to visit.
I need a break...and NO, not like a broken bone (cause I almost broke my thumb last week at derby!) but a break, like open doors of opportunity and advancement.


If you are down, and feeling a little blue....take a look at a great oak...and see what a nut can do.

Mace as in a spiked war hammer...not the spray, lol

Me and the boss man had a talk last night after my interesting...and rather fun....rage post, lol.
So...He says something along the line of "Speak like a sword, not like a mace."
Lol....He does have a sense of humor, yes?
So basically a sword can penetrate through...into the deep parts of one who is needing a good slaying....a mace on the other hand kinda smashed the outside around and pokes unsightly holes leaving them to bleed in their own filth, but doesn't necessarily allow the obvious truth to get to where it needs to go....kwim?

I'm sure you think I'm ugly and hideous and hateful, but in reality and even in the incurable blog world (namely this one) I'm kinda nice, and laid back, slow to anger, extremely too patient, and obviously have a tendency to forgive in less than 3 hours. Count yourself blessed to really know me, as I'm rather a unique find....
but aren't we all?

So anyway...I realized something a bit astonishing last night too.
So you remember when I was mentioning the photographer guy that reminded me of an angel. That on the facebook page of his I found like 3 beautiful things...
I'm slightly freaking out. I'm not sure I ever wrote about my actual 'angel' experience on this blog (but I think I did on my deviantart journal thing) but I just realized that this dude looks extremely similar to that angel....the real angel....omg....freaking weird I tell you!

Let me tell you a story....

We walked through the city. the buildings were opalescent and glimmered like pearls. The ground beneath our feet was like glass...pure, smooth, unbreakable, solid. I was a child as usual and we walked towards the large building. Pillars spanning high. I could not see the tops of them. A great wide staircase rose up to the front doors of this building. It looked white, but not the color white you can see here. It was different, like alive...different (coral maybe??)
Archangels lined the right and left sides of these stairs, from the bottom step to the top. Each radiated with light and beheld a massive spear in their right hands. It stood aiming skyward and reached from the ground up slightly above their heads. Their massive blazing white wings were folded solidly at their backs....unmoving.
We walked up the stairs to the top and I saw another angel there standing alone. He too had a spear and stood near a large statue.....(I don;t remember what this statue was of??)
Jesus said something to this angel, but I didn't hear what was said. The angel at the top of the stairs kept his eyes averted from mine, I tried to see his face, but he never looked at me. He looked down to my left, slightly lower on the stairs to where the other angels were lined.
Jesus took hold of my hand and we turned to walk back down the stairs to where the one angel had looked toward.
I'm not sure which number step it was before we stopped just in front of one of them.
He was tall and muscular....my god, he was not human, but had the resemblence of a human.... Massive beautiful creature.
His wings began to move and he knelt down in front of me.
I was a child in this place, yet when he knelt, his face was aligned directly to mine.....he was huge...he was beautiful.
He had blazing raging living blue eyes. His hair was dark with slight waves in it...I cannot describe what he looked like much more than that.
He looked directly at me. His spear rested beside him as he gazed at me and me at him.
Jesus said something, but still I could not hear what he said....and I was pulled away from the angel and we walked back up the stairs and into the building.
Inside was like a great hall....pillars on each side of the massively wide room. Ahead of us was a large (like incredibly large!) throne. Light poured out from it and into it....really hard to describe, it was bright enough to where you could make out details, but it didn't hurt your eyes. We walked over to the left side near the front and beside one of the pillars..... (the was no ceiling?? It looked so high I couldn't see a ceiling?)
there was something or someone to my left (Jesus held my hand on my right) I;m not sure who or what it was...I didn't take notice...
Fire...light...moving towards me in a swirl, or living energy....it came towards me from the center of the throne before us.... I stood silent as it stared into me...fire...light...it wasn't scary...it wasn't anything but amazing. It moved in the air...colors of ...all colors. Much orange and yellow like a lit hearth...but there was blue and purple, green in the midst. It was warm. I stared into it.

I don't remember what happened after this (I will have to go back and read what I wrote on deviantart...)
The angel....the archangel was given to me....I know his name, but I will not write it down here....and I know why he was given, which I will also not share. But omg....this photographer guy whom I deemed like an angel freaking looks almost just like my angel....strange....and I just thought of this last night too, while I was in convo with the big man about my pissy post, lol....
I even had to go look at his facebook page to see if he had blue eyes, lol, I'm telling you....there is no such thing as coincidence.


Want to hear something else.... that fancy camera I have had my eye on.....best buy has the best price, but noooooo.....it is unavailable online and in store....just my luck. But it's okay. I'll live.

....and this angel of mine doesn't speak....I wonder why sometimes....but I wouldn't argue...cause you had better believe any one of us could be crushed to pieces if one of those guys came after us....ummm...no thanks. I'll be friends....and we can hang out in utter silence....fine with me.

Yay, for stories! True stories, but stories. I may have to go check my journal pages to see if I can find out what happened afterwards...ugh, it's bothering me now.
oh oho oh oh oh oh !!!!!! This is what my facebook angel guy posted last night - "You may have a blazing hearth in your soul and yet no one ever came to sit by it. Passersby see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on there way." - - Did I not write about the burning fire on the inside...ahhh!!! See! I'm losing my mind, lol. and then I realized this morning that I wrote about becoming a burning blazing star...fire burns...argh! crazy, lol. I can get the date on that btw, but not tonight, it is late enough and I really just want to go to sleep, lol....and truthfully I continue to freak myself out when I read through that stuff...

Lol...I'm a bit flaphappy and giggly and somewhat excited that stuff in my head isn't all in my head, but in actuality too....yay, I get to share the craziness!!!
and I will try to remember to speak like a sword and not a mace....yikes. :)
Love you all who still decide to see what becomes of me and stick around to be my friends... I really am a sappy girl with the fearlessness to cuss on stupid blogs as well as spend and hour of school talking about forgiveness and God. Yay...that even sounds sappy...ugh.

I didn't say any bad words this round.....be proud ;)

WARNING!!!! People are idiots

I deleted this post, because the boss man told me to. Looks like you missed out on some fun, oh well...I guess you'll get over it.

Do good unto them......

Ever been scalped by a chainsaw?
Yeah, me neither, thankfully...but I dreamt about it last night, lol. Talk about unsettling. Poor guy didn't scream, and blood didn't squirt out like it does in the movies. But he had it coming.
Oh, and I got to fly a plane around Greece and discovered where mermaids live too.....very insane, yes indeed.

Now that that's out of the way, the good news is I finished 2 sets today....still have 6 more things to make, but hopefully those will get crossed off the list sooner rather than later......and it would go so much faster if I wasn't daydreaming about future photoshoots.....*sigh. (With a good camera that doesn't continuously have 'kodak' moments)

Did I mention I don't like sewing...and now cannot even afford to order the good fabric because of the rape of the post office....much too expensive for me my friends....so unless hobby lobby carries what I need, we are all out of luck..
And unfortunately they do not carry Michael Miller Ta dot prints...not a single one.....so we are indeed screwed...
Luckily though, it doesn't much bother me, because I highly doubt I will be spending any money on fabric unless it's for a costume for a photoshoot....just saying....oh...and Teir wants another Link costume for the Renn Fest.

In other news, because work talk sucks!
I'm a bit freaking out that I'm only 2 chapters away from the end of book 2...and I think it needs more....but I have nothing to add...and I don't do fillers unless they are necessary. ...maybe 20 chapters will have to do...

The house is kinda clean....hubby brought home an exercise machine he got from a friend at work...so maybe I can use it and stuff.

Money is non-existant (as usual) but really hope we get that dumb w-2 form in soon, cause, that'd be great...even though frankly it is already spent....

but hubby did mention a camera....hmmmm....not that we can afford it though...but still....
nothing much else to talk about....

Greece is really pretty though....

Hmmm...I can tell you want something insightful....let's hunt shall we...

Have you ever watched a movie, or listened to a song, or witnessed something that you know had a message within it that you were supposed to latch onto?
Well, happens to me quite often...
So I watched that movie called "The Tree of Life" ....which was kinda dumb and slow, but alright...it wasn't awful like some other movies I've seen lately....
Anyway...the only part that stood out to me was the part where it said to 'Do good to them' ......now the point being that sometimes things get brought to you...like little gifts...just for you....
Anyway, that's all I got from that movie...and I love it...the saying, not the movie :)
On the movie 300 (which is a good movie anyway) the part that stood out was the part where the hunchback went up to Xerxes and Xerxes said the "While Leonidas requires that you stand, I only require that you kneel."
See...that right there reminds me of people's warped idea of God....
That He wants you to kneel all the time...ugh....only when you are pig-headed and full of yourself (duh, you gotta be emptied before you can be filled with awesomeness!)...but the rest of the time.......no freaking kneeling...no no no no no no no no no!!!!NONONONO!!!! Stand and walk my friends. Stand and walk....and work...and do....and become...and create...and live...and do good unto them....
Obviously
And NO, I do not mean your lame ass job that you really don't like...I mean DO the awesome stuff...stuff that makes you clap your hands and jump up and down like a little kid ...all excited and gives you the funky little giggles and makes you crack a smile even when you think about it.....that work...that life.....as there is no other....everything else is nothingness.

See.....now I need a new camera so I can get my giggle on. LOL...not that the camera does the job, but it will help make what I create look more like what's in my head....and I won't fight with the stupid insolent kodak while it's flipping through 8 settings and doing it's no touch zoom all while you are trying to take a blasted picture....see what I mean.... it's like writing a book with a broken pencil....or painting a picture with a paintbrush that only has 3 bristles....or wanting to listen to music cd's, but all you have is a tape deck.....that kind of frustrating.
But I am patient.....and hopeful that someone will lend me some start-up money or lend me a Nikon D7000 with a 250mm lens....and a telephoto lens, wide-angle lens, and if possible an infrared lens too (so I can catch the ufos on video!!!! Yes, you can see them with an infrared lens...I youtubed it......lol

Have I ever told you about the crap I have seen before involving ufos? Probably not...but dude....it is not as cool as you think it is when it happens to be 11pm and there are no other cars on the road and you're alone....not cool at all.
And I' won't get into the ufo orb thingy's that fly super fast and disappear...nope...those aren't so bad...but still....oneday someone with me will see them too, lol....and when I get that infrared lens...I will show you!!! and youtubers alike....
messed up crap...and I don't even want to bother with alien crap...ugh.....I just want to write my book, take pictures with a fancy camera, build a couple of houses, find 20 acres somewhere awesome, visit Australia..and a few other select countries....(to take pictures, duh!) meet my extended family whom I claim is family even though they really aren't (but they are, right?) and when I'm 40 start working on theater production.....(big plans right there)

Ahhh...my family....that's not really family, but is...me loves them no matter what...good or bad...all the same...love love love....I hope to find more people to add to my imaginary family that is family....
Curious as to whom I added, are you?

I bet!!
Let's share...cause these people are awesome to me for either some weird reason or no reason at all....I'll elaborate cause my fingers like typing today :)

Let's see.....Hugh Jackman....omg....my wonderful uncle....please adopt me...and give me a reason to visit Australia sooner rather than later (I swear I was born there in my past life or something)
Mike Roe.....another strange uncle...lol...he's funny.
Another uncle is the Mayhem guy from the Allstate commercials....you know the one that pretends to be something else and laughs....him...he's my weird crazy uncle.
Vin Diesel gets to be my adopted brother. At least he's my facebook friend. Heath Ledger is my brother too.....*sad panda....I think he was a targeted individual and was killed.
And that angel I found on deviant art and on facebook too.... I think I'm going to nab him too....he;s going to be in a movie and he's a photographer and likes to wear suits of armor as regular attire...um...weird, but love...:) debating this one out for a few more weeks...but there's something there..., maybe a brother or cousin, or something...
I only have 2 girls...lol....9Nania off of youtube...she's like really weird and possibly a bit crazy, but she reminds me of my real sister who IS crazy! I like her, so she's my adopted sister.
Ann Voskamp, who wrote that book and has that blog....she gets to be my sister too even though she may be crazy too, and probably way over religious...that's okay, I have a real niece like that.
Still looking for others to incorporate in my multiple dimensional family.... :) Want to join?
I'm thinking eventually I'll take everyone...or not. Not the idiots though...unless they are funny idiots like my real brother. and not bad people.... I'll scalp them with a chainsaw.

Swirling twirling popcicles......

Want to hear something strange and unusual?
Of course you do.....
I hadn't realized before today that it has been foggy for almost 3 days straight.... and if you happened by my deviantart journal page...I find this intriguing.
And storms, namely thunderstorms with chances of tornadoes will be headed here overnight.
I'm a bit fixated on the fact I just wrote about this instance 2 or 3 days ago...about the beasts that taunt you and test you in the fog. Things like doubt and frustration...but that they wouldn't get close enough to be within reach of your sword....they taunt...and tease...
Well....I wrote that they had wondered away, leaving...and whether or not they sought out another stronger foe for me to deal with since their attempts had ended in failure...

This troubles me a bit....as a few years ago, I wrote that something of a enormous challenge was approaching and I dare say that it came true in flying colors....I didn't like it...but why I could feel it upon the vibrations of the ground prior to its coming is just freaky....this is why I don't go back and read that deviantart journal all too often...as I freak myself out.
So anyway..I'm just saying that I feel a little "whoa, this is weird" kinda sense...and really hope that nothing immobilizing happens...due to the beasts in the fog. I am not liking this...

and a dream...dang it I despise dreams...but mine last night (I can't remember all the details) involved trying to escape the 'bad guys'...but they were bad guys like a military operation...and elite spies..and soldiers that were kinda just like robots...they looked like people, but they acted uniformly without expression or emotion.
We were all trying to hide from them and get away, we had to align with strangers to help escape...even though I don;t remember how it ended, I just remember running, trying to get away....*sigh...yay for bad dreams that leave you feeling unsettled....and of tornadoes in the fog...yikes.

Want to know something else...I sold my embroidery machine...but have to find a cheap way to ship it tomorrow. Why is the postal service so freaking expensive???ARGH! I could save them bunches of money if I was in control. But nope...I'm a nobody.
Tis okay...cause hubby mentioned buying me a camera today (OMG!!!!) Please add this to my 'Hell YES!' list!
I won't need to ship anything if I'm a photographer, lol...except maybe a CD.
Anyway, it is sold :) we can pay for gas and groceries for the month...w-2 form comes in hopefully by the end of the week.....and that land auction we went to....um...we possibly bought 3 lots if noone decides to contest it before the 30th. We got them for ubber cheap too!
Anyway, besides that good news and freaky news.....let me just say that last few sets I need to make....will probably be the last I will make, other than whatever I want to make when I want to make it, in whatever way and type and whatever I want to make it in....HELL YES!
And I will list it for my $25 an hour price regardless....cause that's just how I roll. Awesome energy does not come cheap, neither does shipping.
BUT, when I get my new camera....I'll have a few free photoshoot opportunities for those of you who want first dibs.....but you will need to help me out on fuel cost to meet up somewhere....cause I won't have a job until I have a portfolio to reveal to those who might be willing to pay me the $50 an hour I'll be charging them....fyi

I'm hungry, so off to cook dinner, much love...Be safe and many prayers for everyone who loves Jesus....oh, and kitties :) I love kitties :)

*SCREAMS!!!!!!

AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
I hate my job!!! HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE it!!!!!
Please tell my way the hell I even bother?!!!
The whole f-ing day is f-ing WASTED!!!!
Spent too long trying to find the right design(s) for an outfit, decided to make them , but noooooo...what I need is too damn small to make by hand...so I have to use the cursed machine,.....so I buy a set of designs to use instead..whatever and I pay with some weird checkout (leery, I know)...
So I start the machine up and it is like a really tight stitch design as it jams up about 5 times and looks like utter shit.
So besides hunting down the designs I could might possibly use (because evidently the rest of the world are utter lacks of talents and abilities!!!!) I spent a bundle of wasted time trying to embroider a stupid picture of Lilo...,..which I tried fixing with fabric paint in hopes I could 'save' it....but NOOOO
It's in the f-ing trash...and I'm about to throw every other piece of crap in there with it....hell far!!! SOmeone save me!!!!

So why do I still do this job, you ask?
1: I still am obligated to do the 8 sets I said yes too.....shit!
2: gas and groceries are really nice to have without having to put it on the credit card (which is maxed out anyway)....this doesn't even bother me if we were just poor....but damn.
3: hubby has been playing the 'my wife wants to quit her job and she shouldn't' card way too often.....which in turn would make me feel worthless when I toss it all out the window......mind you this is all that has managed to keep me in the game...

I want to go skate....
That'll fix it all, but then I'll hear something along the lines of 'you do know it is costing us $70 a month to go play roller derby'....yeah well, at least he didn't mention that I need new wristguards...padded shorts, a new helmet, and the game insurance all before March...lol
God love him :) and bless his heart, cause he's going to need it....like I need a new job (which having a Nikon D7000 could help me attain, btw.)

I'm going to go clean house. That will at least keep me away from sewing.
Oh...and that machine right there *points greviously to that machine* is listed on ebay right now..... and I'm going to keep relisting until it sells..... bite me.

well....I hope your day is going well.
I'm off to clean...YAY!!!!

I'd like to buy the world a coke....

No pictures today..and this makes me sad.
I just couldn't decide where to go with this post to choose pics beforehand...man, I suck.
No fancy black boxes either...whaaa!

I guess today started out blah.
Along with a messed up dream and just overall wanting to escape reality....I feel bummed this morning.

I can list things I have to do today along with things I should do...but why bother, I will only do the 'have to's' anyway....should do's are annoying.
But I'll get to those later....I still have 35 minutes of internet free time.

Why am I bummed? Besides the whacked dream....who knows, I have whacked dreams often enough. Besides being piss poor broke...who knows...I'm always broke, so I know that's not it. Besides the fact things still require my attention....that's not it either.
I guess it's just one of those days. Oh well.
I get to skate tonight, so it will all go away then if it doesn't wane beforehand.

What to say today....hmmmm.....
Oh wait...I remember why I'm bummed now...
grrrr
It's all thanks to the world for being a deceiving little bastard...*sigh.
Let me elaborate...
but it involves the big man upstairs, so refrain from condemning me to hell, will ya? It's not His fault, it's mine.
It's my fault for forgetting (again). My fault for falling back into that pit of religious stupidity where 150% of the world's churches say you need to be.
I hate them for disillusioning us all.
I hate them for placing stipulations on everything when they know nothing....they know nothing....and I have forgotten the way it really is because of their undying battle to cloud my spirit. The way they cloud everyone else's spirit and deform their perspective....no wonder that everyone is so hateful and continues to protect themselves from each other.
I do not belong here....I just want to go home.

I have forgotten the truth and forgotten the light while trying to fight off the darkness. I suck.
Of course now I can fix it...but I'm kinda waiting for the energy to come back so I can slaughter the....stuff out of some other stuff, lol. Look...you made me smile...since I'm trying to prevent using that fancy black box today cause I just wrote I wouldn't, lol.
Anyway...hell fire will rain down soon....be prepared.
and yes....I will be the cause and the solution....
Why is it that when you shove the world aside like the piece of shit it is...He smiles? Lol.
It's like a total contradiction....maybe He'll start talking again soon..it's getting too quiet in here.

hmmm....I;ve got 10 minutes left, but I feel a dire need to go add a post to my deviantart journal....talk to you pretty smilies of rage and pandemonium later. Go hug a panda today....he's sad.

You're the devil in disguise....

Where would we be in the world without deviantart.com...
██████ ███!! It would █████ suck ███!
Do you realize how many ██████ coma inducing ████ ██████ inspirations that have been born from ██████ uncensored things that these ████ eyes have seen!! ███!! I would ██████ die!
I am against being censured.... even when I say ██████ or ████ or even █████ or ██████ ...or ███ even ██████ too!
;)







Now...do you know what I said? It wasn't anything bad....there you go assuming.....you know what they say about assuming...and lies, and drama, and oh what's it called....hmmm...oh yeah, judging.
Oh wait, you probably don;t know...because there are people out there who do it all the ████ time, even when they put on the persona that they are against it.
If you don;t like it, turn your eyes away, or do something about it to change it.
But remember...like the water....
If you try to stop the negative ripples with a negative reaction, more negativity churns the water and we all fall down.
To end the negative, you must put out positive waves to counteract the negative....good overcomes evil.
Just sayin..... even though there's just too many ██████ people in the world and I can't ████ tell them all myself.And many of them are ██████ ████.

Can you tell I like that fancy black box, lol.

And you know...if the internet gets censured.... at least more people will get to actually speak their mind in public ;)... it's all good.


So...in other worlds....I have 7 sets left to sew until I;m finished...for now....whatever, I don't ████ care, lol.

Oh...I was just telling hubby...but I have to write it to you, cause it's really awesome how I can talk to him like I want to talk to you, lol. He's my buddy and doesn't freak out when I say weird ████...and he nods even though he has no clue what I am really saying, lol. me loves him.

Anyway..what I was saying while describing what the blackout this was for and all the censorship █████ was that..I think of expression and art as tools....
Like, how could one make a movie without background music, or do a theater production without a backdrop, kwim?
Think of it like this....... that all great creations come from a universal collectiveness either consciously or unconsciously, whatever....and we are merely the process they those 'arts' are brought about.
First, it never belonged to you....you did not 'create it's birth and existence in thought' You merely found it....and by acting on that 'omg moment'...you create it into physical form.
But be certain, that once you have created it on the physical plane, that it automatically becomes a gift. A gift to all who are of the physical plane.
So, for instance, one thinks up an idea for a wonderful happy song....they create it into reality with the sounds and tones and words....
Now, it has become a gift...many listen and love it just the way it is...some others want to try to make it the way they might see it, so they sing it a different way (and sometimes better!), a few others hate it and want to make it a parody and change the lyrics to sound like something totally different....which might possibly make you upset (but get over it!!! When you brought it forth, you turned it into a gift) (like it wasn't a gift to you to begin with, pffft)
Ever wonder why people complain sometimes when they claim 'someone stole my idea' ....well, they didn't steal it, they merely acted on the chance to bring it forward into reality while you merely thought of it (or in this case, connected with it's universal consciousness) so did they, but perhaps, they had the means to bring it forth, whilst you did not....
There are so many 'ideas' just waiting to be discovered by those whom are willing to create them and give birth to them.....but they wait in the silence...
because people have become super ██████ lazy in the last few years....and the societal systems have forced children to block out the universal mind....telling them it is of no use...
And this is why we as a society has fallen....we have failed, because we will not allow our children to teach us....to help us remember the moments when we were set in awe of the daily miracle that we now see only as normal....we have forgotten our home...we have forgotten our Father, and our selves.
Who are we trying to please anymore? Your teachers? Your boss? Your parents? Your family? Your government?
They have stolen the real life force from you and they will do it again to your children....and you let them.....you let them have you and your thoughts...you let them have your children and you let them sleep within your homw...you let them invade your bodies and you let them rape you, maim you, defile you, and you snuggle close while they whisper lies to you in the dark.

Is there someone against you? Someone out to get you? Someone gonna hurt you?? ████ that.... that's what they want you to believe...they want to divide you from those who can make you stronger...they work diligently to tear you apart from them...with lies, deceit, rumors....strange things that do not seem right (and you know this!!!!) and you believe it anyway..........

You have fallen.

Love conquers all....and transforms it.....how's that for alchemy ;)

the loss of the lost

It's difficult to accept the gifts that have been bestowed upon us.
Difficult to find the right words and even more difficult to give thanks.
Perhaps we don;t even realize we should.
Perhaps we don;t realize that much of what was given is not just a gift, but a sparing....a protection from something worse.
I find it strangely hard and sad.




Have you ever heard the phrase "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?"
I'm sure you have.
But it may not be just a saying.
When you have loved and you lose that love...it is something that changes your soul...it is a scar that is never forgotten...real love can never be lost....only changed.
And on the other hand if you never have loved....you see that if you have and it was lost...the pain that you would have to uphold would be unbearable....we are spared...some of the time.....from the things we cannot bear.

But what of a love? If you couldn't bear it with this life....you feel things that are missing.....love that has yet to manifest...or perhaps has been withheld for this lifetime....but yet it still exists...
When you feel a longing for someone you have never met....at least not here in this life. A love that drives you to keep looking for them wherever they may be, because you know they exist somewhere, in some form. It exists and it drives you to search.

Do you want a bit of honesty with a splash of humility?
I will admit that I haven't lost someone that I loved....truly loved...the kind that your heart aches for. At least not a person....many pets, if you even consider that worthy....but to the heart of a child....the pain is still the same, no matter which spirit it was.
But people just didn't die and leave that I was connected to with love....now that I think about it, I was never connected to anyone.
Not until the boyfriend who became the husband came along...and the kids.....
Everyone else was just a traveler. Does that sound mean? Probably, sorry. Yeah, I'd miss people, but the suffering wouldn't be unknown territory.

Then there's that other longing that follows and leads you along.....the other love that you continuously search for...yet not knowing what it is.....another one you love...or perhaps others....
I don;t know them, but they are mine....who are they? Could they not be a part of this life? Is this life not strong enough to have them?

Is it the other family....the one that stays with Him....and I have just forgotten their names? My heart aches for those I do not know....and the thought alone is painful.
It is better to be apart from those you met and loved, or those you never met and loved? Is there a difference? The pain is still the same, although not as distinct, and not as defined....

Well, I'm sure you have no idea what I mean.

Anyway....so all there is left to do is keep moving forward.....maybe you'll finally find them.....and yes, I do believe in soul meets soul when eyes meet eyes..... I guess I need to write a blog post on that later... though it seems I'm too ugly or for heaven's sake I say bad words on a blog, or people just don;t get it...*sigh.
I feel I may have to explain this away...cause people just don;t understand.

You know what......I am so glad some people have had someone they looked up to in their lives....it makes me glad that that kind of connection exists. I just want to hug it. *so happy!!!!

Going to bed and dream of hopefully something other than devastating end world stuff......
But do you know what I find odd.....?
That you never get to dream of what you want to dream about...lol.
Like those people in my head (damn it, they are right brain functional) or Jesus...well, wait a minute....nevermind..those were not dreams....those were "omg, I'm gonna screw with you hard" sacrifices...yikes....thanks bunches for those...cause omg, I was screwed with hard....and now noone understands!!!Lol.

Okay...I'm back from blabbing....um....yeah, no more bad dreams about tsunamis or ufos, or storms.....unless they are really awesome....maybe....idk....I kinda get a kick out of them after I get my pulse rate back to normal, haha.
ugh, really, I'm going to bed.good night and sweet dreams.....that do not involve counting or stress or ufos or freaking large aliens that take off their guinea pig masks and growl at you with their ugly green faces.....yes, that one was weird!!! but I growled back cause I wasn't scared too much....I was mad he was in my yard, lol.
I really need to go....lol.....

If I walk away......please follow me....

We sit amidst the forest in deep conversation..... holding a warm cup of fluid.



"Where are you going?"

I smile, unsure what to say..."Forward."

"What is there?"

"Only more of what is already here, but with a different perspective." I shrug.

"What will you do there?"

"Perhaps nothing." I shake my head. "It depends on what is brought to me?"

"Can't it be brought to you here?"

"Of course. But I can't see it from where I'm at, at least not clearly."

"Clearly?"

"I can't see what it is or what it's worth. Right now it just looks broken, but I know it isn't. I want the full picture. The full truth. And the full experience."

"Are you afraid?"

"Not at all."

"What about the shadows? What about the darkness?"

"What about them?" I question.

"Won't they be painful?"

I laugh...."painful like giving birth! But really so worth it!" I smile.

"Oh."


Lame story....sorry, not what I came to write really. Anyway......yesterday as I was sewing (and realized I was out of serger thread) and had to stop....I noticed I was thinking of photoshoots instead of fabric or making something sewingwise.....I guess this is a good thing and all, but bad in so many other ways....
I have orders to finish for one....money to waste on fabric I need and crap I would rather save to spend on my new camera which I only have to buy once!
I know there will be other crap to deal with in photography, like lens, locations, weather, time, appointments, editing, etc, etc, etc, etc!!! and props....I like props..and what about an indoor studio....yikes!
See...issues. Just like issues with sewing...
But other than the fact that me and the embroidery machine are not buddy buddy...and my fabric stash has dwindled to only scrap pieces of ta dot prints (omg!!!I'm out!) and I don;t even give a rat's ass about any of it anymore......and I don;t have money to buy more and don;t 'WANT' to......is a major and serious issue in itself.

My prices will be going up next month. No more free shipping. No more going out of my way to make a sale....nope, I don;t want to make a sale....I want to take pictures with a fancy black box thingy with shiny circular glass and that has the words Nikon D7000 on it.
And this is what I think upon most of the day while I'm sewing (or supposed to be sewing) or when I'm browsing deviant art...or when I'm scanning through photography blogs just to see the pictures, or when I am driving and see a building with a grafittied wall....or a rusty old car...or trees....(ah locations)...I think on these things...and what you think you become....
I used to think on sewing stuff and making omg, cuteness!...but now, not so much at all.....even that Mojo Jojo set I have been dying to make for months, no longer appeals to me. I'm kinda sad that I missed the opportunity to make it with enjoyment.
Seems I have been missing many opportunities to create or do things with enjoyment....because 'other' things stole that priority away from me......namely sewing orders. Like the last 4 months I spent slaving over fabric and machines to send out a set....just to pay for gas and groceries....and now my paypal has been depleted like it was for the last 4 months.....and I'd just rather not sew anything or make any money....cause I don't care anymore.
So much for passion when you reach the top and find out you can't go higher without more money.
I find myself at the top with this business and me just letting it go and watching it fall out of existence to smash against the rocks below...
Kinda like when you throw a huge rock off a cliff, you are excited to see it clash into other rocks below....well, so do I....and what I find really cool is that I am smiling and laughing about it while it dies. LOL!
Beautiful, isn't it?
Anyway....I will not miss out on those opportunities when I have an outstanding idea ever again. Not once more.
OMG, INCREDIBLE said that He's the one who gave me those things to do with Him.
I will not pass them by. Not ever again.
He will be my priority.
Sewing orders, even if they are already paid will have to wait. And even though it's hard to admit, so will school. Not sure what I'm trying to prove other than that I do still teach math and reading to the kids....but I find myself questioning why I do it the way public school does it...really???wtf for? WHY!?
I laugh that I do stupid shit.....I'm rather embarrassed that I do it the 'normal' way....and a bit ashamed.....wtf in my life have I ever done the 'normal' way???Has anything like that ever worked out and created amazingness????!!!!the answer is no.....
Normal does not create amazing....
Amazing creates Amazing.....
We will be amazing....because Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE is Amazing.... and I'm with Him. We are with Him.....you should be too.


Okay.....more ponderings besides that fall of norm...hmmmm




Nope....fight the normal...fight the ever growing tidal wave of mediocrity....fight the conformity and mindset of the masses.....we are more than that, better than that, and have known a more beautiful existence than what they can only pretend to know.
The fog looms....it grows....its presence lingers and approaches, albeit slow, but continuous. They watch from within its confines. They watch us and plan a way to shut out our light. To hide us away from their masses, away from the eyes of those they have blinded and placed in the dark. They want to silence us and make us run from them, hide from them, to cover our faces from the likes of the soiled.....
But He pleads to you. Come out from your caves, do not shut yourself up within the mountain. Come out of her....show them who we are. Who We are. Or are you ashamed of who is in you like all the others? Ashamed to do His work...speak His words, see with His eyes....? Then you suck...go hide in your caves...ask the rocks to fall on you too while your at it....
"Gott wird nicht Sein Werk manifestiert durch Feiglinge" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We stand as One....or not at all. You are either for Him or against Him. Stand or fall....there is no kneeling in war.
There is no inbetween....no more thinking about it....no more debating, or waiting for the right answer...there's no more time left for such trivial infantile squandering. No more hoping...no more praying....NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! Become or do not Become. Hold the sword or bleed by it. Wear the armor or be trampled by it. Yell out upon the housetops...or be silenced. Stand...or fall.

*sigh/grumble/I want to smack some light into your closed mind* there is no more time left to 'think' about it.

Where are my brothers and sisters?.....
Lu'ke teh sahn. -
hahaha...no translation to that unless you read my book ;) - http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/angelofmidknight

the dead of night??? ....hmmm

Blackbird singing in the dead of night.
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life.
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night.
take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
All your life.
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly. Blackbird fly.
Into the light of the dark black night.

We were just here...same time, same place last year. Same birds...same deaths. Same earthquakes. We are falling apart. We are falling....falling....into the dark.
Whether it be electromagnetic fractures, coronal mass ejections, x-class flares, or whatever else you can logicize up...where do you think you will go when it finally comes after you?

WheeeeeEEEEeee...that was fun.
But just to remind you that the following 5 days after the blackbird incident that there were mass fish and other bird deaths that affected even more places...so don;t be surprised when you hear another 100,000 things died.

Soooo, that was not so happiness....but....I admit I shouldn't read sppy books during a certain time during the week...I am such a sap!

BUT I had at least 3 OMG moments.......and one in particular that I will sorely be scarred from for eternity. In a good way though.....since I again got another confirmation that things in my head are in absolute truth FACT! I almost died....it was so freaking obvious and I just couldn't unbind the total similarity....omg.
I love Jesus so freaking much....
Yes, I'm a lunatic and crazy and insane and odd and strange and peculiar among other things....and it is beautiful! HAHA!!! Come laugh with me! We'll dance upon the fields of gold and eat cheese!


Ohhhh!!! and something else to share with you....
hang on, let me find a pic.....

Do you see it.....? Can you see it?....No, not the face in the tv...but close......
It is the dust! OMG!!! The beautiful dust!! The beautiful dirt and grime of our lives! The harsh things that burn us with fire...the distasteful side of life.....that which sears and scars....the dust.

Today...I caught one of my children whining that the other was taking up too much dust....in other words the one was scribbling far too much on the tv and the other didn't have enough room to draw their picture into the dust as well....
It was quite a beautiful sight, it was.
Reminded me of how we see our lives...all the good is great and we can go about thanking God and seemingly live in perfection. No dust, just squeaky clean.
That is until something not so good happens and we get offended and angry, maybe even whiny. Dust settles and we no longer see the shining light of our idea of perfection.
Do we then decide what He gave us is not worth being thankful for...?
Is it not enough? Even though we usually have no idea on earth or heaven why bad things happen...no idea what the reasons were....
It reminds me of the dust...it may not be squeaky clean and shiny too.... but the children made art with it.... little children forming designs across the glass creating a dream with their fingertips.... beautiful.
If you keep seeing the dust as a curse.....you will never see the beauty and glory of God in it.

Okay, just saying....

So how was your first day of 2012?! Mine was rather boring. Skylar and I finished a puzzle...but that's all that managed to be notable...besides the creation that adorned the dusty television.
And I realized I have camera class the same night as the roller derby thing....hmmmm so I'll only stay for a little while and then go to the class afterwards.
Then Wednesday I got me the business call with Catherine....which might make me a few minutes late to practice...but that's okay....cause I am again majorly and seriously considering dropping the business.....I just don;t care anymore. Sometimes I do and want to create..then the other 95% of the time I could care less...ugh...cause now I want to do photography.....damn it. See what being an artist of life does to you....I'm just glad hubby didn't reply when I told him I didn't care if I made any money at all, lol....I love him.
So unless this funk goes away... I will be disappearing for all but maybe 1 day a month or something.
I say I could work my tail off to save to buy my camera for my new adventure...but I'm sure the funds will go to gas and groceries as usual...and I'll never see a cent, like the whole last 4 months...
I even made more than 2010....but I didn't get to buy the camera, I didn't get to really buy anything we were so broke....and having $0.00 in paypal sucks ass when you have 10 orders to fill and you already spent the money on gas or food.....
I will never do that again.
So hoping Catherine can sort that out for me or give me some ideas because this sucks!!!!! I hate how this has played out!
If by Jan. 31...I still feel this way I will throw it all out the window on fire and I will laugh at its demise.
What's bad is I aimed to be good at what I do when I started...and I did...and now there's nowhere else to go with it. I can't keep up with all orders, I can't afford to pay for help (or have patience to fix it if I have to) I don;t want to make ho-hum crap just to make a buck and I can't open a store in this town (or the one closest) because no one will buy it or can afford it. I will not work for free or cheap either.
So, I am stuck....if I can't go up anymore, I will burn it to the ground and use the ashes to fund my new hobby. YAY!
See I'm still happy cause I got something fun to do. haha!

Alright, enough blah blah crap....I'm going to go read more of that sad book I'm reading.....
but since we are recommending books...the one I'm reading is listed 2 blog posts ago...tis very good...and sad...and gave me a omg moment. ;)

New recommended book is..... hmmm... 'The life of Pi'....which I only read cause I found myself lingering on some weirded out website and heard it was good.....which it wasn't that good, but I often find myself thinking about it.... it kinda is weird, lol. Like 'Host' by Stephanie Meyer was good too...and you go back and think about much too often..weird....anyway, that's 2 books so you had better thank me for even bothering with the first.
Have fun chilly disco balls gleaming rays of orange juice and pickles! dance, and dance it well!

Misterios nunca son tan fermosos como o día en que mistificam ti.
Google translate will help you figure that out.