I don't even like apple pie...

Trees.
Like being of nature that can neither impart from it or be anything other than what they are.
Only do what they were meant to do.
Only grow where their life seed was placed.
Only thrive where the sun and the rain and air is in supply.

There's an analogy about how an apple tree doesn't concern itself with how many apples it makes, or how many people or animals eats it's apples, or whether it's apples are good for baking or eating or nothing at all.
The tree just makes apples.
That is who the tree is. An apple tree.
Not just a tree that makes apples... Not a tree that does the 'apple' thing... Not a tree who feels proficient, or went to school for apple making... Not a tree that wears apples...
This tree IS an Apple tree.

And then there's us.
The human folk.
We liken ourselves similar to an apple tree.
We tarry away and produce ... what we think are our apples...
Whether they be our skills, our ideas, our products, our arts, our writings, our children, our houses, our cars, all our wondrous things we fancy ourselves to be able to create.
We call ourselves mechanics, artists, actors, operators, drivers, writers, scholars, parents, and the many other numerous labels...all in an effort to make something out of what we are.
In other words... those things, those labels... are nothing but our clothing.
The things we wear to make ourselves worthy of other's attention.
"Look here, I make trinkets." Or in modern terms, I run the machine that molds the plastic. Or better yet, I buy this shit from Ali Baba for half the price and sell it to you for twice the cost.
"And I'm a machine analyst." Also known as someone who likes to dabble with micrometers and computer software programs.
"Aww, shucks, I'm a _____"... something else truly irrelevant.
..all clothing...
What you 'do' does not define who you 'are', nor can it ever...

even me.
I create art... but as someone labeled an artist... that is not who I am.
I write... but as someone labeled a writer... that is not who I am.
I also clean the house and give advice and wear many outfits... but none of those are who I am.
and I find it breathtaking...
that I'm not even close to being an apple tree.
while many are okay with giving of their apples and finding a place in this world...
I'm not even an apple tree lost in the forest...
I'm not the tree who drops apples that no one will ever find or eat...
I'm not the apple tree that was long forgotten and hidden beneath a patch of briars and vines.
I'm not ... the apples, nor the tree...
and even if I wear a certain outfit for the day, or for the hour... I'll never just be an apple tree.

I'm the entire forest.
and you'll never be able to call me this or that...

I'm not an artist... I am art, for a time.
I'm not a writer... though I am a voice for a time.
and sometimes... I'm the mountain.
and I'm the sky.
and all the stars.
and all the heavens.
and the darkness.
and an apple tree will never be enough...
like clothing will never be enough when you are a soul....
not even the earth is enough...

you can only cover her for so long...
wear this cloak for so long... and then what will you be?
what will you 'do'?
who will you be, when your tattered clothing turns to dust?
when there are no more apples? no more trees?
who will you be then?
do you even know?

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I'm too lazy to go look for it... I'm sure it's on this blog in the archives from 2010 or somewhere.
But once when I was raptured out... (yeah one of those times!)

....grrrrrr.
I fucking went to go search for it...  I can't even win against myself LOL
from .... November 16th, 2011
I'll just copy and paste...cause laziness and I have to get up early and I need to be time aware..

~ ~ ~ 
Want a story?

Once upon a time there was a rather upset girl. She was furious and frustrated and sad. She asked and asked for a way to fix the things in her life that were disturbing her calm. A way to make the wrongs a right and way to create a new beginning....but Jesus only sat and watched, he didn't speak, but watched as she let out her frustrations and dumped the full bucket at His feet. All her failed attempts, all her lost endeavors, all her forgotten dreams.... she kicked them away and towards Him. He watched her as she cried and yelled and writhed in sorrow.
She quieted after a few minutes and looked up at Him. His eyes still as beautiful as before, His quiet calm composure filled with peace. He moved toward her and asked for her hands. She placed them in His.
"What can you make?" He asked her.
"Nothing." She said sadly with tears in her eyes.
"Then what you cannot make in your life, I will make it for you." He stated.
A sudden jolt went through her. A tingling of energy...something... and it was over. She was back home....and what she had poured out before Him was not...it was gone...and it was a new day.
~ ~ ~


anyway...the point being...
....
is for you to decide for yourself what the point will be for yourself

are you afraid of standing without your clothing...
baring your soul...
or do you think you'd be a nobody without your nametags?

_____________________________
_________________________________________
____________________________________________________

lots of stuff happened recently...
and I'm not gonna tell anyone...
but I'll leave you with a bit of curiosity...
...
my manifesting powers still work like a champ!

Lion outline is semi prepped and at least on the canvas...
Mind is still freaking out how I'm gonna pull this off, lol. How cute.
His name is Timothy...
He's gonna have a bunch of colors...I'm pretty sure...

this big thing... another big thing tomorrow

___________________________________________________

All the shine of a thousand spotlights
All the stars we steal from the night sky
Will never be enough
Never be enough
Towers of gold are still too little
These hands could hold the world but it'll
Never be enough
Never be enough

 

For me


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apparently, having to get up early is not a reason to engage in the debauchery of sleep
to stop writing and adding more useless stuff to the same blog post so it's so fucking long that no one ever reads this horseshit again...must be more important! LMAO!
anyway... I don't take too kindly to threats... so ...
look what I found.... one of those stupid things on facebook to copy and paste and do your own answer thingy's... I have a love hate relationship with these little bastards...

Just for fun!
Divorces ... no... there's too much fun to be had
Proposals ... no... I propose lots of things...but nobody's any fun :(
Children... 2 ... unless you count pets and adults too...
Surgeries... ...I had stitches on my hand, does that count?
Piercings... yes ... also by many a cat claw and a cockatoo beak
Tattoos... yes ... and multiple ones from those fruit roll-ups that come with tongue tattoos!
Shot a gun... shot many guns... I love guns. Guns are my friends... why don't I have my Benelli yet?
Quit a job... oh, fuck yes... many times... I'm done with jobs.
Ever been on tv... hmmm... maybe, not the main person... like haphazardly in the background, lol, 
my life, yo.
Been in a fist fight... I have punched someone in the face, yes... she was like 5...and I didn't get in trouble LOLOLOLOLOL! She deserved it. ... seriously though, I was like 6. AND SHE WAS MARKING ON CHARLIE!!! Pour kid flew backwards onto the bed and everything. -- no one has ever hit me back...so.....
Hit a deer... I kissed a deer before... I've been in a vehicle with someone who hit a deer... 
Watched someone give birth... yes..and some things...
Watched someone die... I watch people die often... they just don't know they are...
Ridden in an ambulance... yes... it's horribly bumpy and rough and they are slowAF
Visited Las Vegas... no, don't intend to either
Sang karaoke... ummm... maybe? I can't remember
Rode a jet ski... yes, nothing amazing
Ice skating... yes, nothing amazing, roller skates are better
Surfing... no... how do you keep the board under you?
Ridden on a motorcycle... yes, it's nothing amazing either
Stayed in a hospital... yes...there is nothing amazing about that at all...
Ridden in back of police car... yes... Ridden in the front too.




oh, I see.... they are over $2000..that's why...
https://www.benelliusa.com/performance-shop/performance-shop-supersport
:(

Empaths and skittles

Empath Survival Guide 101
Lesson #23 -- when you realize that what you are feeling isn't fucking yours...
and you have to wait around feeling all the crap until the responsible culprit
makes themselves known...
 "Thanks jackwad! For not dealing with your shit until after I softened it for you!"
So being an empath is like being a stool softener. Fuck sakes!

I might have to write a book on it. Empath tips and tricks...
for the REAL empath that google can't tell you anything about.
So much bullshit all over the place about that subject and don't believe any of it!
Stupid candy-ass sugar-coated masking LIES!
Maybe it's all for fake empaths or something?

Anyway... I feel better... which means they feel better...
and if I were Thanos.. there wouldn't be a moment's hesitation to make everyone disappear.
especially everyone ignoring their issues....
Deal with your shit people! I swear... *keeps looking at hand hoping a gauntlet with five infinity stones appears....

Let me share some thoughts... because I can. Not really to educate you... but hey anything helps, yes?
Here's a list of 10 traits of an empath I found at the top of my google search...
Let's delve into this bs stew...

10 Traits of an Empath from some website at the top of my recent google search...
1. Empaths are highly sensitive
Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually open, and good listeners. If you want heart, empaths have got it. Through thick and thin, they’re there for you, world-class nurturers. But they can easily have their feelings hurt. Empaths are often told that they are “too sensitive” and need to toughen up.
   *** BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! -- I'll give you a kick in the fucking ass. I'll give you advice... that would be all I would give. Spiritually open..yes, because we don't give a fuck. Good listeners... at times... no promises... Heart...I'll burn you in the fires of hell...-- Nurturers... I might try to offer assistance..but let's be real... if you're not taking the advice in the first place, we will never reach this point. -- Feelings hurt, yeah sometimes... but only for a very short time... and then you are nyxed off the list of someone allowed to approach... and you'll never see/hear from me again. -- 'too sensitive'? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! depends on the day... but maybe for a whole hot minute... and the fires of hell... -- toughen up?... say that to my face, bitch...

2. Empaths absorb other people’s emotions
Empaths are highly attuned to other people’s moods, good and bad. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme. They take on negativity such as anger or anxiety which is exhausting. If they are around peace and love, their bodies take these on and flourish.
   *** ugh... first lesson -Anger is not an emotion!!! Please for the love of all that is... Anger is a response to FEAR or PAIN!!! Anger is a reaction, but it is NOT an emotion. --Empaths can't take on someone's anger, but they can feel the vibration of fear or pain from another. -- Anxiety, yes, it sucks. Exhausting...not as in body wise exhausting... it's exhausting trying to transmute that shit, as you can never never never reach the root of it, because the root isn't inside of you, it's inside of them and only they can heal that...-- Peace and love... what even is that???? Show me "real life" people who have this, because at this point in life I think they are fairy tales in this dimension.

3. Many empaths are introverted
Empaths become overwhelmed in crowds, which can amplify their empathy. They tend to be introverted and prefer one to one contact or small groups. Even if an empath is more extroverted they prefer limiting how much time they can be in a crowd or at a party.
   *** overwhelmed in crowds....depends on the type of crowd... I love trying to find reptilians in crowds.. I love waiting in hour long lines at DisneyWorld. I loved Black Friday shopping at 7am when stores used to not open until Friday... -- Introverted, I am, but I can't say the majority are. Some groups I might like, some I hate... depends on the people and the reason for being there in the first place.

4. Empaths are highly intuitive
Empaths experience the world through their intuition. It is important for them to develop their intuition and listen to their gut feelings about people. This will help empaths find positive relationships and avoid energy vampires.
   *** Intuition is my life... so I have to agree. Positive relationships... ugh... I hate everyone. Energy vampires are NOT A THING...fucking stop spreading this LIE! You just lack boundaries and a fucking spine!

5. Empaths need alone time
As super-responders, being around people can drain an empath so they periodically need alone time to recharge their batteries. Even a brief escape prevents emotionally overload. Empaths like to take their own cars when they go places so they can leave when they please.
   *** LOL super-responders... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! have you ever called my phone? because I do not answer that shit 99% of the time. Unless I'm trying to fuck with the caller and start singing Melekalikimaka..or pretend to be an old lady or 3 year old... -- Alone time... yes please, but that hasn't always been the case. -- Take my own car so I can leave.... ABSO-fucking-LUTELY!!! LOL YES

6. Empaths can become overwhelmed in intimate relationships
Too much togetherness can be difficult for an empath so they may avoid intimate relationships. Deep down they are afraid of being engulfed and losing their identity. For empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for being a couple must be re-defined.
   *** ????too much togetherness?? wtf ??? avoid intimacy??!! who the fuck would do that?! -- afraid of being engulfed... Let's get on this piece of shit sentence. FUCK YOU! Weak ass people with a hellton of fear are the only ones unwilling to be engulfed in LOVE. FUCK YOU if you have this fear, because I would die for it over and over and over and over and over. COWARDS! - Losing identity... I'll let you know when I find mine LOL. -- Then redefine it dumbass!!! Weak cowardly dumbass!

7. Empaths are targets for energy vampires
An empath’s sensitivity makes them particularly easy marks for energy vampires, whose fear or rage can sap their energy and peace of mind. Vampires do more than drain an empath’s physical energy. The especially dangerous ones such as narcissists (they lack empathy and are only concerned with themselves) can make them believe they’re unworthy and unlovable. Other vampires include The Victim, The Chronic Talker, The Drama Queen and more.
   *** THERE ARE NO SUCH THING AS VAMPIRES. You are an easy mark for idiots because you lack boundaries, not because you can feel all the feelings! For god's sake! Stop putting yourself in the energy of idiots and maybe you won't become one. Gah! I just want to smack you!

8. Empaths become replenished in nature
The busyness of ever day life can be too much for an empath. The natural world nourishes and restores them. It helps them to release their burdens and they take refuge in the presence of green wild things, the ocean or other bodies of water.
   *** Stop being in the busi-ness of bullshit. Stop picking up burdens, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!

9. Empaths have highly tuned senses
An empath’s nerves can get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talking.
   *** HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!! and multiple other things, including google definitions of empaths, apparently! YES

10. Empaths have huge hearts but sometimes give too much
Empaths are big-hearted people and try to relieve the pain of others. A homeless person holding a cardboard sign, “I’m hungry” at a busy intersection; a hurt child; a distraught friend. It’s natural to want to reach out to them, ease their pain. But empaths don’t stop there. Instead, they take it on. Suddenly they’re the one feeling drained or upset when they felt fine before.
   *** My heart will crush you and be intrigued by the splatter of your blood upon the pavement. It might even fingerpaint in it. -- I don't want to ease your pain, I want to ease mine. (but we are all one...so I'm fucked) -- do you know who I would give money to, the girl who was playing the ukelele across the street from Five Guys... why? because she was in purpose. -- They don't take on the pity they feel from those people, THIS IS A LIE! That is their own guilt playing the program that gets triggered when they see those things. LIE LIE LIE!

argh... I have so much revulsion against these kind of crap lies all over the internet.
of course, as a disclaimer... this only relates to me and how I see things... and my perception is from some other dimension and no one is ever wrong...or right... so take what you will.

~ "Nothing is True. Everything is Permitted." ~

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I didn't get to outline my lion today...
(and frankly, I'm kinda glad, it looks terrifyingly difficult!)
like my skill level can do it and all...but my brain is like...
'it's going to take forever!!!!'
and yeah, probably will...
no longer than the piano, or the dragon...
so....

 hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
funny thing...
when your brainwaves send out signals... (when you think about a certain whatever..)
and someone mentions the exact same whatever... the next day or so...
sychronocity...
the first step in manfestation....

brainwaves are the electrical component...
emotion is the magnetic component...
and boom
electromagnetic waves create reality....
and matter is the anchor.

I should really just decide on something to manifest...
instead of using my energy for random crap...
and then end up saying something and ..boom there it is!
...but it wasn't something important or anything...
and then you feel like you wasted your super power.
when you totally could have just took some time to decide...

what do I want?
a stainless steel wok
a large 14" boat fender
a platform 2"hitch mount 2bike rack that reads Thule, or Kaut, or some other not cheap brand name on it. - I am not putting a $1000 bike on some piece of shit rack that wobbles and shakes...
new tires and a spare for the 4runner
go pro hero 7 black
a trip to Ireland for 4 or more
oak hardwood flooring for downstairs and someone to install it
20 acres nearby, but not too close, unrestricted
2 matching silverware sets that match the good set I have, because everyone has an issue with using the cheap crap ones we have mixed in and they call them 'prison spoons' and 'prison forks'...
...and bigger things...
like all the debts paid off... mortgage paid off... other house paid off... magical healing mojo...
eight million dollars... a new roof, a new deck, a road trip... some skittles...
some toys from the 80's... a stereo and sub for the 4runner... more travel funds...
you get the jist...
I should probably revisit the list idea (list of 6)... that has actually worked well in the past, but I stopped doing it when I started adding things that were not season-friendly... or were things I put on there just so I could get them finished...
I think I made it to level 40-someodd... I'll go get it tomorrow and post a refresher course on how it works. I swear it works! for me anyway...


ok...
I'm timed out...
and there's more interesting things to involve myself with...
fyi...I am not writing anything at the moment.... nor will I...
therefore... you'll only be able to read this blog...
and most of it may or may not be true.
because Nothing is True.

I might throw together the Empath Survival Guide....
I might start book 6... (is it 6, I'm on??) I think so...
I might write that bounty hunter script... idk.

Soul friends are the real deal...

"I thought you forgot about me."
...
spoken softly as I tried not to cry...
because we hadn't seen each other in a decade or more.
and maybe I wasn't remember-able.
maybe I was never the one people kept close...
maybe because we were never even friends, meant I was a nobody to you..
 ...'just another body'...
only someone you kinda knew because of this other person you kinda knew...

oh god... you are still one of my "one-in-a-million" people... that I still love...
that I still remember... because you, brave soul, could bare your soul openly.
and I fucking saw you. And you were glorious...
but I don't even know you.

...but
I sat debating whether to approach you...to do anything at all..
to dare make myself seen and acknowledged...
I wasn't going to step forward...
the coward that I am...
maybe because I have a long memory, far beyond the borders of this life...
and it is rare that anyone remembers...and I'm often made the fool...
for speaking of things they don't remember...

but...
you spotted me and ...there it was..
you didn't hesitate...
and your face lit up into a smile...
and I stood, because I was caught trying to keep hidden...
and you embraced me...
...
"Of course not." you would reply...
and my mind would reach out and try to grasp onto anything that would explain why not ...
because everyone seems to forget about me...
and I would be thrown out of the dream... and wake to sunrise... and sadness...
and a deep truth that I've carried for the past two days...

and I'm no longer the same...
_____________________________________
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______________________________________
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It's been what?... a week...
  could I even explain this?

like shifting from third person view (like in a video game, duh!)
to first-person...
but like really first person...
and this is a big thing for me...as I never dwell in this body...
I'm usually about 12 inches back and 12 inches upwards...
so everything seems third person view for me...
call it 'detached' if you will... which isn't far from the truth...
unattached... is closer though.
untethered... and have done an excellent job at keeping my chakras clean and clear
and mastered the avatar state LOL!
at least at some level...

and my very good friend has made significant efforts to get me shifted...
which I am immensely grateful for

I feel like someone else...
but I know who this is...
and it's me... but just in a different dimension...
and today...
 (let's thank Neptune's retrograde...and a certain email...and a live call)
that Soul... is who I want to be...
and not the 'I' that often lingers in front of me like an idiot...
and Soul... doesn't concern herself with all of 'this'
and Soul... just IS ... and there's no other place for her to be, or things for her to do
and Soul... knows everything about that dream...
and everything about first-person and third-person... and second-person at times...(empath, yo!)
and everything about energy and love and pureness....
and Soul...
I see her sitting there... awesome as she is... and she's not 'working' on shit.
she's not 'trying' to do or be or give or get or anything....
she's in her perfection just as is... in the now...
and I watch her...
and feel her energy...
and all of it swallows me up...
and the world dismantles behind me... all these things...
and becoming... no longer exists... when you just ARE...

and this sounds so damn stupid
it sounds plain and unimportant
it sounds like nothing but random thoughts that may soon be forgotten
it sounds like an energy that will die and leave without a scar
and none of it matters
and dreams are just dreams
and I'm a fool
unashamed and courageous fool...
and I love that.

__________________
___________________________
___________________________________

Let me tell you of how big a 32"38" lion is...
fucking big... a tad threatening... and would be overwhelming for most...
but it has graced me with an adventure I will surely come to appreciate...
maybe not while painting it... or hanging it... but eventually

Let me tell you of how humbling script services are...
like 9 out of 10 for format and 8 out of 10 for concept...
and a bunch of not so high numbers for everything else, lol...
can't I just throw out ideas for the people who can't create and let them build it instead?
like I can be google... and they can do all the work?
wait... I can be Pinterest... and they can take it from there...
I have a million ideas daily... some just won't stfu
why is everything I like smothered by having to include someone else in it??
                (well...except one thing..)
doing things alone is fine, up until you can't anymore... *sigh


there's probably more...
random thoughts...
not sharing tonight...
maybe later.

much love, jaundice onions of passion and rage. May the witches of Sundance films bring you good tidings and muses of sacrifice and pinacolada's. I'll see you in the after-life...which is also the before-life... but in actuality is actually ...life....

The New Universe

When you love someone...
when you love something...
it's not the person, nor the thing...
it's the frequency that moves through you...
when you are with them...

Love is a frequency...
and it moves through you...

and it's always there...
always...
if you can't feel it... you're just on a different channel
a different wavelength
a different frequency

all you have to do is change your channel
to the wavelength you want
to the frequency you want
...
anything you want...
to
feel...

Your life is the receiver.
Like on a television.
The channels...all the channels... are always available...
but it's completely up to you whether you stay on HorrorTV...
or switch to something more enjoyable.
You are in control...
You are the controller...

____________________
___________________________
__________________________________

I have a very good friend...
and we discussed the frequency of energy that moves through your body
and there's a certain feeling that has revisited recently...
and he explained that there's a reason it keeps coming back...
"It's trying to tell you something."
...and a few hours of listening and feeling does a world of good...
because I've discovered something... (like on the Discovery Channel, lol)
about vibration and the energies we allow in and through our bodies...
and how rare it is... for it to find pure rest and pure security and pure love...
We know what this feels like... do we not..?
yet everyday we allow other wavelengths to wash over these beneficial vibes....
 ..our ears attune to the familiar beats...
a beating..
the stress, the tightness, the clenching, the grasping, the clinging, the needing...
but are those things our home?
or are they just where we've found ourselves dwelling for far too long...
stuck on channel 'I guess this is all there is Lifetime channel'....
but we all know how those shows end.
...
beat-en down...
(fyi, the difference between the wavelength of two frequencies causes a 'beat')
but we are allowed.....also....
to turn off the receiver...
and not play the scheduled programming...
and tune into ourselves....
because ourselves, our true selves (not TruTV!)....
is pure rest...pure peace...pure love...

not reality....actuality... lol

but it's quiet.... it's hard to turn away from the distractions...
it's lonely for a whole hot minute...
and then you are there... in that unbridled flow...
and the truth of you embraces you...and ecstasy reigns for a hot minute....
and over and over you revisit that moment.... those moments...
and suddenly you find your way home...
and everything not that place, that feeling..... is seen as what it is rather than the only option...

I can't tell you in plain language...

 "It's not for them."  my very good friend will say...
so I write this here for me...
 _____________________________________
___________________________________________

________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
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It's the New-niverse.... the new universe. ;)

S.O.S Klingon Age of Ascention

~~~

 

Ringing in my ears
I was deaf to you
Gripping so tightly, I start bleeding through

And my body was thin
Clinging to you
I was clinging to all the things I thought I knew

But in the golden hour
It's you I find
I don't wanna go inside, I don't wanna go inside

And if you're gonna stay
I'll be here all night
'Cause you're in every song I hear and every song I write

 

 

 ~~~~

A whole two days and perceptions have shifted.

Maybe Neptune going retrograde moved some barriers from my view.

Maybe the solstice had to hang on just long enough to cook thoroughly.

Maybe... all it takes is a few days..

a few breathes..

a few short moments..

 

 

 

Open these eyes... and behold the wonders before thee...

The same energy I've been constantly searching for.

...and every time I find it.

...every time...

although hardly in the way I assumed it would appear.

and yet again, I deemed it as something I never received...

but no

it arrived without fail each and every time

I just didn't see it.

...

so I cradle this shame of blindness... this guilt for being unable to see

this disaster of a mind that only saw what wasn't, instead of what was

forgive me

and even Mind sees now. Understanding it all.

From beginning to end and end to beginning.

Rapt at the glory.

Ego sees too. Smiling once again.

Soul ...my soul... nods, having already known this unveiling would come to pass

I told you once before.

About the moment that I was given all that there was

all that is

and all that there would ever be

...and why Mind keeps forgetting, I do not know....

But Soul never forgets...she holds steady, unwavering on the path.

She always knows, she always bears that trust and faith and courage...

and Mind wants to be her... Ego wants to be her...

But Soul knows.... they... no, we... already are...

___________

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I figured I should make things easy for you this evening.

As it's the day after the solstice. That means the day after the first day of summer.

Which in fact has nothing to do with anything I'm writing about at the moment..

but if I explained, you might enjoy reading a bit more than usual.

Or there's the possibility that I can sway you to skip over the following words, as in all actuality, they are most likely going to be rather boring and uneventful. Not even the slightest bit of depth. On the contrary, I think I will go with broad instead. Covering more area, but with lack of meaning, or information, or knowledge, or whathaveyou.

 

 

Went yard sale-ing and to a few estate sales. My expectations for others have again fell through. The estate sales were fine, the yard sales were just swarms of ~'you should probably just post this stuff on facebook instead of hauling it out to your yard...because you ain't got shit'~

 

and I know I'm way too judgemental of how others' do things. I don't intend to be, but I see how much I want more for them and from them. I suck I suppose. Too high standards perhaps? 

Has playing that level 8 or above game demonized my perceptions?

Even my ego only appreciates the level 7 circumstance just enough to use it to get to level 8...

This god complex in the making wants sovereignty. And there's some part of me that sees nothing wrong with that.

On a more broader scale... without going deep...

Without glazing over the top of this doughnut...

I don't think I'm cut out to be living among these things called 'people'.

 

Maybe it's the other way around and people are just cowering beneath obedience and hiding theirselves... so when I do my weird things... they look away and escape, whereas maybe they really want to do what I'm doing too.

 

Maybe when I make a stupid joke in public, they really want to laugh (or ridicule) but instead they tense their lips and walk away. Pretend like it never happened.

Pretend like I never happened.

Maybe when I draw seven pictures of squirrels riding motorcycles for pre-schoolers... that I want to and not because you think I'm doing it because those kids asked me to...maybe I want to draw them a picture, because no one else would ever dare take the time to draw something for them. Maybe I like drawing. Maybe when you assumed I didn't want to I also wanted to stab my crayon up your ass.

 

 

Maybe when I'm offering my assistance...I expect to be treated like a person and not a 'quote' "...an extra body." 'end quote'.  Maybe there's a reason I didn't show back up after that 'quote'.

 

Maybe I believe in good people. In happy people. In a thriving people. But when I hand you a basket of seeds to grow into a great person... you toss it aside...because you believe people are bad, are sad, are meant to struggle... and only one person is great. (Alexander the Great, duh! ;)  )

 

But... I came from a different world than you. And I've seen your greatness. 

And I will still make stupid puns and borderline rude jokes, and weird noises when I know the silence is waiting for me to take the stage. I will still press all the buttons on all the singing monkeys on the store shelves, and I will wind up every music box to it's fullest every time, and I will play with every instrument I pick up...even if it's for toddlers...even if it's in the toy aisle...or not.

 

 

because I'm not afraid of my greatness

my courage to break rules. the courage to defy everything, especially when you're supposed to do it. the tendency to speak far too much and sometimes not at all. oh so many little things... even rewriting the past and co-creating the future... ah so many big things...

I'm not afraid of my darkness either. 

all those judgements, all those raging desires for earth to explode. All those intentional barriers I build. All those times I forget what is real...or what is true. 

I could take all that good and bad and love it all. It's fucking glorious.

You are fucking glorious. And I want you to love yourself.

 

______________________

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_________________

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-_

-_

-_-

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--_

--_-

-_-

--_

-_--_

--

maybe I like dashes, yo

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maybe I don't feel I'm done writing...

maybe I'm procrastinating...and not editing that script I intend to edit

I guarantee it's both of those....maybe some more...

_ _-

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did you know, that I learned morse code in 15 minutes before...

I totally have forgotten all of it (except ***---***!!)

but 15 minutes..same with braille... 15 minutes...

which I've also forgotten...

probably more along the lines of put in deep storage and I've never needed to use it again...

I do wish sometimes I could store (or erase!) those 6 words Montel Williams challenged his audience to remember til the end of the show... I fucking remember those words STILL and it's been like 20 years. Damn it! Never challenge me to do shit. It's a curse.

actually...

someone should challenge me to edit a fucking script

and someone should challenge me to manifest $500 by the end of the month.

that

sounds

quite

appealing

ooooo...I got the frame built for the artwork I'm putting in my stairwell!

I need to put the canvas on it...

BUT, today the staple gun met it's end...and so...now I have a reason to go to Tractor Supply...

like an important reason!

nothing stands between me and acrylic paint colors!!!!!

RAWR!!!

Universe, please send funds for a new staple gun and two bags of wild bird seed. Thank you.

 extra hugs if you can provide funds for two matching rocking chairs. Thank you so so so so much!!!

Did I ever tell you about......

whoops... I almost went deep and all up in that energy speak...

today we are being broad, not deep...

of course excluding that bit at the beginning of this post...not the song lyrics...the other part after that...about deep things you have no clue about..

Am I sorry this post is going nowhere? no

Actually, I suddenly became very disinterested in writing here...

goodbye, peanut butter oreo cream muffin bugs. Fly away to the everglades of the Oregon trails and the whimsical destinations of the gnome trodders and buffalo dogs. May they eat you up and carve totems from your ulna's and scapula's.

Klingons and their musical talents.

Ever have those people you just cling to for no reason other than there's something that pulls your attention directly to them? Some might be real people...some characters in a movie, or book, or anime... some are there in the aether but you've found a way to plant their feet on earth in some form.
Perhaps some people cling to a god. Perhaps a pet, or their spouse, or their family, their friend?

But there's something to be said for clinging...
This magnetic urge to just be in the midst of those chosen few.
....oh how grand a world that would be...
and how human nature wants to be included in something...
and how every facebook meme says something about 'your tribe'.
...
...
*insert meme of grumpy cat...
because in my experience....
there is no tribe anything.
there is no inclusion.
there is no grand world where you can even find someone to cling to
...okay....unless you're in 'love'... that doesn't count
or you've been married for so long that you are totally cool with using your spouse as a shield against having to negotiate with other humans... and you can smoothly pull them between you and whatever you do not feel like involving yourself with. It's great.

most people cling to their phones.... anything to help them escape what's in front of them
I cling to everything except reality... because I get everything I need from it that I can't get here.
Like that tribe. That inclusion. That everything.
So if I tell you I'm meditating....I'm just visiting my friends.  ;)
HAHA

whatever...just rambling without a real point

-_____________________-_______________-
There's a ukelele class tomorrow.... but I'm not excited about going..
so I probably won't unless something reignites that idea...
as I'm no longer a beginner ukelele-ist... (wtf do you call someone who plays a ukelele?)
I'm at the level past beginner... and because I have a background in electric guitar...
I have a good few steps ahead of other beginners...
so I don't want to go...and find myself showing off...
or find myself having to talk to other people...
or heaven forbid have to put one fucking fake smile on my face...especially when they ask how long I've been playing and I say a few months. And they lose all hope for themselves...
Yes, I know I've had the ukelele for two years...but you see...
I couldn't strum to save my life....
UNTIL...I told myself that I could strum, I just forgot how...but I CAN do it.
and well...I can strum now.  (dude, I played lead guitar not rhythm or bass, don't judge)
(keeping the uke on the kitchen table helps too)
Anyway... youtube has taught me enough ...I just wish they had more of the older songs and played more along with the melody than the rhythm.
Seems like another thing I'll have to do myself... *sigh

Anyway....
flamingos are done.
watercolors are both friend and foe, btw

need to build that canvas frame...
start on my lion
RAWR
 (yay, back to acrylics!!!)
___________
I don't know what I'm doing here....
gonna go...
probably meditate or something HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Demigod of the wind and sea...

Lobotomy
a personal favorite...
but instead of an incision, or a laser...
or the worthy notation of Superman's laser eyes...
a scalding, red hot iron stake...
into the head.

Because for god's sake....
if the simplest of words can't reach you...
there's not a chance in heaven or hell that you could ever find me

An Atlantian born at the beginning of the world...
one that even witnessed the destruction of her own city...
There's too much depth between us.
and even if I wander this earth as one of you...
I would betray you for my own people.

How is it possible then?
For you to see, or hear, or understand...
if you are afraid of the deep?
if you are afraid of the dark?
That's where the truth lies...
and I will never return to you....

the solid earth will never satisfy, when your soul has stepped upon holy ground
the expansive skies will never satisfy, when the stars are our heavens
the ten thousand falsehoods will never replace one simple truth
.....
Do you know what it feels like then?
To have every word you speak waver between being completely feigned...
or completely misconstrued?
 To have every amount of effort ridiculed or disregarded?
To have every written word cast aside as meaningless and flat?

I swear... you will never see me.
Never will you find me.
Neither will you recall my face or hear an echo of my words.
I shall be erased.
And this brings me such comfort....
  ....let me disappear
I do not want to be a part of you.
I want to go home.

____________
_____________

Moana. Moana of Motunui.
and the song of her people that sailed the ocean...
"At night we name every star
We know where we are
We know who we are, who we are"

Do you know who you are?
I've already met you.... and you've even betrayed yourself...
with this body... this dance of chaos you call life, but live like a prisoner...
this parade you put on every day...
this charade you wear every night...
this pity party of making sure you are worthy and acceptable...
this 'good girl, or good boy' reward program you signed up for...

I cry for each one of you...
and sometimes I light the fire to your destruction...
I point and show and even offer solace...
and sometimes remain silent as you slowly die...
I yank you to the lifeboat...
but watch you slowly drown because you have no intent to pull yourself in...
I show you the light...
and then turn it off, leaving you in the darkness...
............because you are your own light... and I happen to love the stars...
and I will not save you.
that is not why I've come here....

_
_
_
 
~~ "I am Moana of Motunui. 
You will board my boat, sail across the sea, and restore the heart of Te Fiti!" ~~

Restore your heart to yourself, yo...
because we are our own raging demons
we are our own unseen pain
we are our own unheard cries
we are our own unloved souls...
and we are our own savior..
our own archangels..

all it takes is a journey...
across the SEE...
through the depths...the waves...the emptiness...
what a fantastic place you can be...
be restored...
________________
_______________________________
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I'm in a huge debate with Mind and Soul...and Ego is trying to get a word in too...
I'm watching Mind throw a tirade over the idea of authenticity...
that stupid word that's thrown about the internet like sprinkles, but doesn't mean 
a fucking thing in real life... because no one understands you when you speak a
language that was born of stars... and heaven forbid artwork that is deemed 'meh'.
And Mind wants everyone/everything to burn to death in the fires of the almighty god....
and Soul doesn't want anything for anyone or from anyone...
and Ego... ugh... Ego wants to rule the world and have unbridled power...
and I'm watching them... and can only smile, because I agree with them all.

Mind is now saying that this post is already too long and I shouldn't be filling it up with more crap, especially crap that involves her....
Soul...is like...'do it anyway'...but she's smiling deviously and I'm not so sure she's as nice as one would consider a 'soul' to be... I love her. 
Ego is fucking dancing in the room... badly. I don't know why.

I think I will keep going... this is going to go too far too fast...and too deep and too too too too fucking much... and Soul just turned my way and clapped her hands silently...

______________________________________
____________________________________

Here's the deal.... 
I'm at this place where I see the part of me that wants to 'do all the things'. Like almost recklessly. The part that thinks getting an editor to republish my book, or even offer it to a publishing company might be worth my while... The part that wants to do another edit of some scripts and send one out for script servicing, then queries, and all that stuff one would usually do.
This part of me is what I refer to as Mind. 
She has so many options and plans and ideas and this energy of gung-ho...with a balanced jug of doubt and disinterest and procrastination to make it all equal.
She flits around sparking ideas like a piece of flint ricocheting across the land of tinder. There is no lack of possibilities with her. She's so creative and energetic and brave and wild and easily bypasses much of the shit she decides is below her.
She's the one who plans out steps and even tells me how to place my foot there... and sometimes she just shrugs and resorts to glancing at Soul for answers, because she admits that she doesn't always know the why or how of her ideas.

Ego...She likes Mind's ideas. Assuming they can be used for ultimate power, or stepping stones for even greater power. This girl, Ego is not interested in fame or fortune or even success... she's more aligned with being more comfortable and more secure than the Now. She wants to harness her desires and go about her day. She's not interested in attention or adoration or even love. She's in it for herself. She likes Mind better than Soul, however, does not agree that Mind should be placing all these never-ending steps in the way. Ego will not comply with tasks or aims, especially if they are only means to an end. Ego wants the prize....and already knows that she can get the prize without having to take 'steps' to reach it. ...but Ego only knows this because Soul told her the secret...

Oh...but Soul... She loves both Mind and Ego. Soul adores every bit of wonder and imagination that Mind has. Even when Mind is freaking out over something...Soul loves her just the same. Soul loves Ego's power grubbing tendencies and ever-reaching expansions. But Soul... she also knows that nothing is ever needed... not 'doing all the things', not 'expanding more', not even 'aiming or having or getting or creating'. Soul already has. Soul already is. And Soul.... she takes those two by the hand every day and walks with them... 
Soul lacks nothing. And doing or not doing what Mind says... or what Ego wants... is perfect. 

How can you be a witness to yourself?
Know these things without being hurled into chaos?

but you are chaos...

_
_
Mind also has fears... many fears...
not of death... but of wounds...
neglect, dismissal, disregard, scorn, apathy

Ego fears nothing. Ego wants to die.

Soul does not know fear.

And my very good friend... he told me that Mind needs something...
that's why I keep spending time with her...
and I do not know what she needs from me...
what she needs from him?
But he said to pay attention...
...great...like what does that even mean??!!
"She'll be different soon..." he mentions....
ugh...
why am I the one who gets spirit people in my head and no one else does???!!!!
fortheloveofgod! WHY?
(I mean...it's quite awesome and all....but this just amplifies my exile from humanity..(YAY!))

so I'm gonna go meditate or some shit...
probably erase every bit of the intentions I had for tomorrow...
I might have a convo about 'mind hacking'...
Past hacking is a thing... soooo I'm curious now whether hacking your mind is possible?

I'll try to remember to make my blog post shorter next time....
or more earthy for you land-lubbers.... you know...I'll talk about cats or food...
idk...
or I won't *shrugs....





 

Burning bridges lost forevermore

Freya.  Freyja. Friday...
She's the goddess of love, fertility and death... in Norse mythology.
She is also associated with gold, with war.
Her hair is like fire, and her laugh is sly, as something hides behind those eyes.
But here she walks, in this mist.
And I can feel all of what she has brought with her.

There is a greatness in life. Where the wind howls.
Where the secrets unfold and lay out before you.
Where your vessel is set out into the storm and you rock to and fro.
This unsteady life, like a boat upon the stormy seas.
But you are not the vessel...lest you forget... you are it's captain.
Steady yourself... and the raging storm will be silenced...
and the waters will sleep... and the sun will shine again...

There is a death aboard this ship.
There is a profound love and appreciation.
There is depth and there is the shoreline.
And there is the seed of new life.
Make war. Become gold.
Let the chaos rock your world...
and then stand...
Be still.
and the waves will lash no more.
the winds will fade.
and the heavens will embrace you.

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___________________________________________

** ~** Ever feel like you're just going round and round in circles? So I have this plan to take some action steps that may or may not bring me to where I think I'd like to go... but then after researching and learning, I feel like I shouldn't be the one jumping through hoops of any kind... but then that idea of 'go for it!' arises and it sounds appealing, but my inner soul is like... 'that's totally a distraction, like an amazing commercial, but not really what you want'... and then I'm like...'I'm okay if I'm exactly where I'm at...why am I trying to do all this other stuff that feels not as fluffly as what I am doing/being?'... and then I'm sitting exactly where I am... and a few days pass and I go through this again! AHHHH! What gives?... I am done. I feel torn between complete surrender and roaring achievement mode... back and forth, back and forth... 😞🤩😞🤩😞 I want off this boat...**~**

I wrote that today... a post in one of the only groups I haven't unjoined. 
and you see how your words express something other than the obvious....
...and part of me flails on the ground like a child throwing a tantrum...but the other part of me watches this child me, like a mother who can only sit by and make sure her kid doesn't bust their face on the floor while entrapped with said tantrum...
"I'm sorry little one...but you can't ride the shark..."
no matter how much the kids thinks it wants to... it's probably best that it doesn't do certain things.
it's probably best that it just throws the tantrum and eventually surrenders.

Why do we struggle? Why do we create this suffering for ourselves?
We think we want those things, these things, that and that...
but what we truly want is peace.
Do we really want the 'what's next?!'...or the 'plan for the future!' .... or 'amazing goal!'
Do we really want those things?
What would we actually gain, anyway?

I know the answer...
and that answer is that those things will take us away from right now.
Why are we trying to leave this place so much?
Why are we trying to get it over with?
Why are we trying to cover it, smother it, or forget about it?
What are we afraid of?

This perfect safety? This perfect security?
This pureness? This heaven? This peace?
Why are we constantly finding a way out?
What the hell are we doing?!


This pattern of 'could be' ...of 'could do'... it is crumbling...
this destruction... this death.
I find it beautiful, even if it's throwing part of me into chaos

___
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the moment you gather all your eggs together...and all in one basket too...
and you hurl that son-of-a-bitch off the fucking cliff side.

because you own the motherfucking chickens

yes. that is me.

When you research publishers... and all this horseshit about publishing...
and how easy it is, and how hard, and how no one makes money.
and how much money you make, and how editors are assholes... and how they are great.
I have a rule...
that if I have to follow a rule... then I don't play the game.
so as I scratch out possibility #3 from my goal list...
my eyes raise slightly to where goal #2 lies.
and I've done too much research to even deem this impossible...
but now that Freya and I have had a chat with soul...
goal #2 is being scratched out... because I don't fucking jump through hoops.
My eyes glance to #4.
#4 has no rules.... no regulations... no people who have a say...
and #4 also got a huge moral boost a few days ago from the guru master...
so it can stay...


want to know what happened?
with that screenplay? the one I'm supposed to be writing?
I said I should...
... and so I didn't...
because I don't 'should' on myself.
...but now I can start it..
whenever I want.
so I will.
not tonight though.
I might even switch it to a book instead...
because I can

but here's the truth... the bounty hunter guy in this new one...
omg...he's so hot! *swoon....
and I finally got him a name! <3


__
__

what else... this post is way way too long already, but hey...
as is my usual routine, right?
except my last post... hmmm.
it was short.

ugh...
I'm outta here...I found myself trapped in google land yet again!
but it seems publishers aren't as picky as studios... hmmm...

Hi and Bye

It appears that watching a 2.5 hour lecture on epigenetics and biology...
can infuse you with the urge to go super saiyan yet again...
And taking a class on quantum reality and electromagnetics...
can make that super saiyan go super saiyan blue...or ultra instinct
      (and I totally had to look that up, I never got that far)
with a slight tendency to combust.

But it will be entertaining at the least, no doubt.

I'm unsure as to what I should pour you a cup of today...
science?
metaphysics?
the cuteness of cats?
how the sun shines on the concrete?
where chipmunks go to hide?
how great it is that I don't have to buy a drawing tablet?
how one thought frequency can make matter obey and form to your will?
                             oh wait... that's science...
how so isolating it feels, even when you are in groups with people who
supposedly can relate to woo woo stuff... but no, not like you...
and then they do that thing...
that thing that defines someone who 'knows' a lot...
     but they don't truly KNOW.
and you have to step away... because there's no resonance without surrender
and they aren't able to do such yet...
and so again....walking in silence...a familiar place I've found solace in...

   and I do wish you wouldn't try to pull me out...
...when you are ready, I will come to you...

...but you may not recognize me...

___________________________________________________
____________________________________________________


Nova
Tau ...maybe...
I'm still floundering with names for this upcoming screenplay..
Nova is a go....unless something changes
not sure about Tau... it's not quite there yet...
these people are in space... so something star wars-y, but not too cliche star wars-y...
Single or double syllable. Not ending in the letter N.
shoot me..now... names are just a procrastination tool...

I'm outta here...

Good ~ mourning ~ America.

She's a funny one.
This daughter of Mars...

oh, but you see...
she didn't mean literately..
she's certainly has dealings with wars though


"What war?" I would ask soul.
and they would look out over the waters...
"The war with self." They would say.
... all this time spent walking in this kingdom...and still a war brews...
"We are all at war. With thoughts that pour in from the skies.
With energies that never intend to serve our cause." Soul replies.
    and mind wants to ask question after question...
   but soul is already prepared...
and sends images... and visions... and understanding.

If placing those forms into meaningless words could help you...
I would still do it... but even I understand, that they will fail...
they will fall so short...
and those who've learned to read might understand...
but understanding does you no good...
it will never help you...
understanding is only a base foundation... but it can never carry you
it can never bring you higher... further... deeper...
...
if I mentioned a faraday cage... would that suffice?
but not made with mechanical matter and fancy tech...
oh, no... I mean yours... the one you carry with you...

The anchor for your thoughts...
your own thoughts...
and not that of outside thieves and slave makers...

If I poured out even half of what the truth is... you would drown...
but... I am not your savior...
and I'm okay with watching you perish...

_____
this morning I sat in a waiting room...
and the television was on...
and the program was running...
you know the one... Good Morning America...
and I think the Doctors or something came on after that...
and every single commercial...
was something to remind you of how bad it could get...
of how you are still lacking and imperfect...
of how sick people are and how medicine is your friend...
of how it should be entertaining to listen to the dross that spews from
the mouths of the hosts... about a tampon, no less... about all that they said
and every now and then I would glance over... and their audience was rapt...
because they must find out why this was so important...
but it never was, it never could be...
and the sheeple laughed... at nothing.
The others in the waiting room...
all on their devices... minus the infant, minus the older guy with the lady that
got berated by another guy in the room...
but she didn't do anything... it wasn't her phone clicking he complained about...
it was the a/c unit just outside the window...
and then her husband or whatever made passive-aggressive comments the rest of the time
...
and this human species...
I see how much more time you need...
how much we all need...
...
How can Christ enter in through a closed door?
...and you're not even home...
*faceplants on desk
_
_
_
_
_

I dare you to free yourself.
I dare you to rebel against all that they feed you...
I dare you to take one step in service to your soul.

If I were the scourge that devoured the earth...
I would not spare anyone.
Except those with the light... those whom are home.

I dare you to come home to yourself.
I fucking dare you to embrace your beautiful. Your ugly.
Your savagery, your humbleness, your peace, your chaos, your desires, your love
your all of every part of everything about you...
your darkness, your beautiful beautiful glorious darkness..
and your light, the graceful amazing awe-some trembling fire light.

Which part of yourself do you hate?
If I can love that part of you, certainly you can enter your house and love it too.
Which part of the world do you hate?
If I can love that part of you.... certainly you can face it too...

I dare you... to not take one more step serving a false god.
I dare you... to serve yourself.
... then God will be home.
... and Heaven will rise.

I love you...
I want you to love yourself too.
Free yourself.
Free yourself.
Free yourself.


_______________________________
___________________________________

maybe 2 hours of sleep and I still managed out a blog post.
...
it's only 1pm O_O
and I've had enough of this planet this morning
I've had my feel of people, and of significant others.
And I'm going to plan to run away soon

maybe the beach
maybe the forest

and although I'm going ghost on facebook...
(which for you old people... that means disappearing without telling anyone)
(or for more relatable means... Danny Phantom, totally)
except now I told you and you know...

I'll be here, albeit a bit silent
...or in this case, writing a bit too much...
and I'm waiting for you to do something for yourself...
without fear
without all your fucking 'yeah, but's.
without knowing HOW
without anything...
and I want to see your soul
and I want you to see them too....................................................................


peace out, chinchillas of morning yoga sessions and jalepino salsa chips.
drink you caffinated orange peach face fuzz and brush it away ...
because according to Good Morning America...and all of those 'programs'
you will NEVER be good enough.

What about your masters, do you hate?
          read that again....

.... what are words if you can't understand...?

O, lion.
The high one that steps from the throne
casting a shadow beneath thy brilliance.
How can they see you, in all that you are

A hunter.
A mighty claw of power that carries the world
The protector of energy and of flame
Let those who seek out life, approach

The hero, the star
They walk beside you in honor
The land, the sea.
Let them too, bow to your majesty

_____________________________________________
_______________________________________________

You will never find me here....

For I've smeared muck in your eyes and confused your thoughts.
Because only those able to see with true eyes...
and only those able to stand in the waves...
will ever be able to approach this throne.

You will never find me here....
nor there....
and as my island, which has been hidden from the sky...
so is my soul, and all of me...
hidden from all of you.

Call my name.
My true name.
And I will come to you.
For I must.
Because only those who know... are my people.


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___
___
___
___
___
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Too many letters...
Far too many words...
I will leave you with silence...





















...


















































...

My world's on fire, how about yours...

Where is the ground?
Is it beneath you?
Deep within the Earth?
Is it where your heart settles in peace?
Ah..dear one...
The ground is within you.
It is you.
It is where you hold firm to the firmament.
To the foundation.
To the particles of matter, and of light.
The kingdom within, where the throne sits in the midst.

And what can break through the walls of this kingdom?
Can the sorrows of the world?
The things sought after, the struggle to 'do'..to achieve?
Can those things shake you from your throne?
Could all the distractions and fears and tasks make you leave home?

Oh..dear one...
They have ripped many kings from their place in heaven.
They have lured out the queens into the desolate ruins.
They have shackled their children and cast aside their heirs.

But you know better.
You know the Master.
And it is only the voice of the Master that you obey.

The tethers they try to bind you with, fall short of your glory.
Tethers that are nothing but fishing hooks, meant to pry you from your chamber.
Tethers that serve as anchors to keep you on your knees.
Tethers, anchors that weigh heavy.
Even the understanding of which are able to hold you captive.
Even your own thoughts can bind you...

You know what they are...dear one.
You know them all because you have severed yourself from them.
And now that you have returned.
They shall never be able to imprison you again.
Never shall the bondage of soul, of mind, of body... hold you.
For while you sit at the throne and remain in the kingdom...
All shall heed your commands.
So rise.
Rise
and speak.

___________________________________
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_____________________________________

Even you know what the tethers are...
and I dare you to face them and unbind them from your soul.
You know them...
You've met them when you drive to work in the morning.
You've met them when you take part in an argument.
you've met them when you spoke ill of another.
when you denied yourself...
when you denied yourself...
when you denied others...
when you held someone else responsible.
when you've imposed accountability onto another.
when you casted blame...judged...ignored...
when you closed off your ears, when you turned away,
when you grasped too tightly to the money in your hands.
when you poured out all your frustrations and expected the other soul to fix you
when you expected anything
when you failed to forgive
when you insisted that you must keep playing this game....one that you still think you can win
but you know... the secret to winning the game is to stop playing.
...
that's why I've already won...
I want you to win too...

I want you to stop asking.
I want you to stop all the 'doing'.
I want you to untether yourself.
Unbind yourself.
Free yourself.
I want you to trust...
and I want you to get fucking mad.
Mad as hell.
Because only those fires can burn away the fear.
Mad as ice...
Because only that can shatter your programmed repetitions....
if those things ever worked.... you wouldn't still be doing them...
    how else would you agree to do the same mind numbing tasks over and over and over...
   ...unless you 'thought' it was the way...
You are fucking programmed... You have been lied to...
Thoughts are just thots.
Do not believe them... do not obey them...

Go home.
and fucking get back on your throne.
do it for you.
do it for your children
do it for the kingdom
and for god
 _____________________________
_____________________________

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 So ...I found a very fun (still hate that word) and entertaining trigger today!!! YAY!
  (these things are rareAF! and I get excited when they come visit!)
(I feel like a little kid bouncing up and down clapping!! YAY!)
(and I will be sure to include parentheticals along the way! because it messes up the flow,
and life is chaotic!)

 When I die....
if any motherfucker out there says some bullshit eulogy
I will curse you.
I AM NOT KIND OR NICE OR SWEET AND LOVING!
FUCK YOU! 
(if you say that shit, you are a liar, I hate you all, everyone, always..except my kids)
I'm not an amazing artist or some endearing wife and mother.
(if I was, you'd buy my fucking artwork, bitches. Kiss my ass.)
(endearing... I'm a goddess who preordained marrying my twin flame, fuck off. I did it for him, and for me... not for you jackasses. Mother... my kids chose me because they would be allowed to do whatever they wanted and never be burdened with rules. Preordained... love them though)

I am not a compelling writer or a special person.
(no one gives a shit, not even me. If you tell people shit I did I will fucking haunt your ass.... NO ONE FUCKING CARES WHAT ANYONE 'DID'. FUCK YOU.)
(I am special. But not the retarded kind.. but that would be funny if you said that and lied to everyone!!)
I am not funny, or charismatic, or hopeful.
(I will accept full blown made up lies that are completely irrelevant and misleading. *nods)
...

I'm closer to being Thanos than any of that shit.
So don't any of you fucking say that. EVER ..

if you must speak at all...
tell them ---> "She hates all you motherfuckers."
Except my kids.

*little kid me is laughing hysterically while rolling on the floor. She loves it.

Please someone, anyone... please don't let me down.
I really do love everyone...but no... for the record, I hate you all


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--__________________________
__--_____ __ _ _ _---__-_ __ _-- __---_ -_- _---____

I meditated for an hour today...
then another 15 minutes..
then another 15 minutes...
so apparently I have tons to say today!
aren't you lucky

I recently joined a facebook group ...
and now I'm no longer going to be on facebook...
browsing wise...
I'll still messenger chat and sell shit on the marketplace
I only follow like 4 people that are important atm...so I will check their updates...
everyone else is out of luck.
Mainly because.... I am unable to embark on that journey with them.
I will no longer allow those burdens to be imposed upon me.
I can feel it continuously pulling me back... and tethers are meant to be severed.
I do not need fixed.
I do not need help.
I do not need attention, or sales, or guidance, or understanding.
and facebook serves those with every dish... for the starving commoners...
....but I'm royalty.... and unless you are serving me, you too will be severed.

___
____

so I guess I'm totally being harsh today.
but my soul wants to be fire...
she's tired of your shit
tired of your dawdling and hesitant indecision..
... she's tired of my shit too, your not alone, lol
...
ever seen Escaflowne... when Dilandau starts going crazy...
and all he does is rub his scarred cheek and with wild eyes he yells...
"BURN! BURN! BURN!"
yeah...

I'm not getting dragged by the hair...but if I dawdle any longer....
... I'm not brave enough to argue with her... sooo....
..
I want to mention the LION
I want to talk about Mars.
I want to hint at September.
I want to tell you about the Solar Plexus and how it is all fire...
... and even if it can't be defined by google...
... and even if I can't get a straight answer from someone who might have known...
...and even if severing all understanding and labels of such a grand power...
I am left with all the power...
and 'gut instinct' has taken on a whole new meaning
...

yeah, sorry, not sorry that this is so long....
have I started that screenplay yet... fuck no
but I totally will, lol.
something I learned today... my bike will not fit in the back of my 4runner...at least not easily.
something I enjoyed today... meditating, and that bbq I had for dinner
something I hated today... nothing
plans for tomorrow... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!