Burning bridges lost forevermore

Freya.  Freyja. Friday...
She's the goddess of love, fertility and death... in Norse mythology.
She is also associated with gold, with war.
Her hair is like fire, and her laugh is sly, as something hides behind those eyes.
But here she walks, in this mist.
And I can feel all of what she has brought with her.

There is a greatness in life. Where the wind howls.
Where the secrets unfold and lay out before you.
Where your vessel is set out into the storm and you rock to and fro.
This unsteady life, like a boat upon the stormy seas.
But you are not the vessel...lest you forget... you are it's captain.
Steady yourself... and the raging storm will be silenced...
and the waters will sleep... and the sun will shine again...

There is a death aboard this ship.
There is a profound love and appreciation.
There is depth and there is the shoreline.
And there is the seed of new life.
Make war. Become gold.
Let the chaos rock your world...
and then stand...
Be still.
and the waves will lash no more.
the winds will fade.
and the heavens will embrace you.

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** ~** Ever feel like you're just going round and round in circles? So I have this plan to take some action steps that may or may not bring me to where I think I'd like to go... but then after researching and learning, I feel like I shouldn't be the one jumping through hoops of any kind... but then that idea of 'go for it!' arises and it sounds appealing, but my inner soul is like... 'that's totally a distraction, like an amazing commercial, but not really what you want'... and then I'm like...'I'm okay if I'm exactly where I'm at...why am I trying to do all this other stuff that feels not as fluffly as what I am doing/being?'... and then I'm sitting exactly where I am... and a few days pass and I go through this again! AHHHH! What gives?... I am done. I feel torn between complete surrender and roaring achievement mode... back and forth, back and forth... 😞🤩😞🤩😞 I want off this boat...**~**

I wrote that today... a post in one of the only groups I haven't unjoined. 
and you see how your words express something other than the obvious....
...and part of me flails on the ground like a child throwing a tantrum...but the other part of me watches this child me, like a mother who can only sit by and make sure her kid doesn't bust their face on the floor while entrapped with said tantrum...
"I'm sorry little one...but you can't ride the shark..."
no matter how much the kids thinks it wants to... it's probably best that it doesn't do certain things.
it's probably best that it just throws the tantrum and eventually surrenders.

Why do we struggle? Why do we create this suffering for ourselves?
We think we want those things, these things, that and that...
but what we truly want is peace.
Do we really want the 'what's next?!'...or the 'plan for the future!' .... or 'amazing goal!'
Do we really want those things?
What would we actually gain, anyway?

I know the answer...
and that answer is that those things will take us away from right now.
Why are we trying to leave this place so much?
Why are we trying to get it over with?
Why are we trying to cover it, smother it, or forget about it?
What are we afraid of?

This perfect safety? This perfect security?
This pureness? This heaven? This peace?
Why are we constantly finding a way out?
What the hell are we doing?!


This pattern of 'could be' ...of 'could do'... it is crumbling...
this destruction... this death.
I find it beautiful, even if it's throwing part of me into chaos

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the moment you gather all your eggs together...and all in one basket too...
and you hurl that son-of-a-bitch off the fucking cliff side.

because you own the motherfucking chickens

yes. that is me.

When you research publishers... and all this horseshit about publishing...
and how easy it is, and how hard, and how no one makes money.
and how much money you make, and how editors are assholes... and how they are great.
I have a rule...
that if I have to follow a rule... then I don't play the game.
so as I scratch out possibility #3 from my goal list...
my eyes raise slightly to where goal #2 lies.
and I've done too much research to even deem this impossible...
but now that Freya and I have had a chat with soul...
goal #2 is being scratched out... because I don't fucking jump through hoops.
My eyes glance to #4.
#4 has no rules.... no regulations... no people who have a say...
and #4 also got a huge moral boost a few days ago from the guru master...
so it can stay...


want to know what happened?
with that screenplay? the one I'm supposed to be writing?
I said I should...
... and so I didn't...
because I don't 'should' on myself.
...but now I can start it..
whenever I want.
so I will.
not tonight though.
I might even switch it to a book instead...
because I can

but here's the truth... the bounty hunter guy in this new one...
omg...he's so hot! *swoon....
and I finally got him a name! <3


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what else... this post is way way too long already, but hey...
as is my usual routine, right?
except my last post... hmmm.
it was short.

ugh...
I'm outta here...I found myself trapped in google land yet again!
but it seems publishers aren't as picky as studios... hmmm...