Demigod of the wind and sea...

Lobotomy
a personal favorite...
but instead of an incision, or a laser...
or the worthy notation of Superman's laser eyes...
a scalding, red hot iron stake...
into the head.

Because for god's sake....
if the simplest of words can't reach you...
there's not a chance in heaven or hell that you could ever find me

An Atlantian born at the beginning of the world...
one that even witnessed the destruction of her own city...
There's too much depth between us.
and even if I wander this earth as one of you...
I would betray you for my own people.

How is it possible then?
For you to see, or hear, or understand...
if you are afraid of the deep?
if you are afraid of the dark?
That's where the truth lies...
and I will never return to you....

the solid earth will never satisfy, when your soul has stepped upon holy ground
the expansive skies will never satisfy, when the stars are our heavens
the ten thousand falsehoods will never replace one simple truth
.....
Do you know what it feels like then?
To have every word you speak waver between being completely feigned...
or completely misconstrued?
 To have every amount of effort ridiculed or disregarded?
To have every written word cast aside as meaningless and flat?

I swear... you will never see me.
Never will you find me.
Neither will you recall my face or hear an echo of my words.
I shall be erased.
And this brings me such comfort....
  ....let me disappear
I do not want to be a part of you.
I want to go home.

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Moana. Moana of Motunui.
and the song of her people that sailed the ocean...
"At night we name every star
We know where we are
We know who we are, who we are"

Do you know who you are?
I've already met you.... and you've even betrayed yourself...
with this body... this dance of chaos you call life, but live like a prisoner...
this parade you put on every day...
this charade you wear every night...
this pity party of making sure you are worthy and acceptable...
this 'good girl, or good boy' reward program you signed up for...

I cry for each one of you...
and sometimes I light the fire to your destruction...
I point and show and even offer solace...
and sometimes remain silent as you slowly die...
I yank you to the lifeboat...
but watch you slowly drown because you have no intent to pull yourself in...
I show you the light...
and then turn it off, leaving you in the darkness...
............because you are your own light... and I happen to love the stars...
and I will not save you.
that is not why I've come here....

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~~ "I am Moana of Motunui. 
You will board my boat, sail across the sea, and restore the heart of Te Fiti!" ~~

Restore your heart to yourself, yo...
because we are our own raging demons
we are our own unseen pain
we are our own unheard cries
we are our own unloved souls...
and we are our own savior..
our own archangels..

all it takes is a journey...
across the SEE...
through the depths...the waves...the emptiness...
what a fantastic place you can be...
be restored...
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I'm in a huge debate with Mind and Soul...and Ego is trying to get a word in too...
I'm watching Mind throw a tirade over the idea of authenticity...
that stupid word that's thrown about the internet like sprinkles, but doesn't mean 
a fucking thing in real life... because no one understands you when you speak a
language that was born of stars... and heaven forbid artwork that is deemed 'meh'.
And Mind wants everyone/everything to burn to death in the fires of the almighty god....
and Soul doesn't want anything for anyone or from anyone...
and Ego... ugh... Ego wants to rule the world and have unbridled power...
and I'm watching them... and can only smile, because I agree with them all.

Mind is now saying that this post is already too long and I shouldn't be filling it up with more crap, especially crap that involves her....
Soul...is like...'do it anyway'...but she's smiling deviously and I'm not so sure she's as nice as one would consider a 'soul' to be... I love her. 
Ego is fucking dancing in the room... badly. I don't know why.

I think I will keep going... this is going to go too far too fast...and too deep and too too too too fucking much... and Soul just turned my way and clapped her hands silently...

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Here's the deal.... 
I'm at this place where I see the part of me that wants to 'do all the things'. Like almost recklessly. The part that thinks getting an editor to republish my book, or even offer it to a publishing company might be worth my while... The part that wants to do another edit of some scripts and send one out for script servicing, then queries, and all that stuff one would usually do.
This part of me is what I refer to as Mind. 
She has so many options and plans and ideas and this energy of gung-ho...with a balanced jug of doubt and disinterest and procrastination to make it all equal.
She flits around sparking ideas like a piece of flint ricocheting across the land of tinder. There is no lack of possibilities with her. She's so creative and energetic and brave and wild and easily bypasses much of the shit she decides is below her.
She's the one who plans out steps and even tells me how to place my foot there... and sometimes she just shrugs and resorts to glancing at Soul for answers, because she admits that she doesn't always know the why or how of her ideas.

Ego...She likes Mind's ideas. Assuming they can be used for ultimate power, or stepping stones for even greater power. This girl, Ego is not interested in fame or fortune or even success... she's more aligned with being more comfortable and more secure than the Now. She wants to harness her desires and go about her day. She's not interested in attention or adoration or even love. She's in it for herself. She likes Mind better than Soul, however, does not agree that Mind should be placing all these never-ending steps in the way. Ego will not comply with tasks or aims, especially if they are only means to an end. Ego wants the prize....and already knows that she can get the prize without having to take 'steps' to reach it. ...but Ego only knows this because Soul told her the secret...

Oh...but Soul... She loves both Mind and Ego. Soul adores every bit of wonder and imagination that Mind has. Even when Mind is freaking out over something...Soul loves her just the same. Soul loves Ego's power grubbing tendencies and ever-reaching expansions. But Soul... she also knows that nothing is ever needed... not 'doing all the things', not 'expanding more', not even 'aiming or having or getting or creating'. Soul already has. Soul already is. And Soul.... she takes those two by the hand every day and walks with them... 
Soul lacks nothing. And doing or not doing what Mind says... or what Ego wants... is perfect. 

How can you be a witness to yourself?
Know these things without being hurled into chaos?

but you are chaos...

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Mind also has fears... many fears...
not of death... but of wounds...
neglect, dismissal, disregard, scorn, apathy

Ego fears nothing. Ego wants to die.

Soul does not know fear.

And my very good friend... he told me that Mind needs something...
that's why I keep spending time with her...
and I do not know what she needs from me...
what she needs from him?
But he said to pay attention...
...great...like what does that even mean??!!
"She'll be different soon..." he mentions....
ugh...
why am I the one who gets spirit people in my head and no one else does???!!!!
fortheloveofgod! WHY?
(I mean...it's quite awesome and all....but this just amplifies my exile from humanity..(YAY!))

so I'm gonna go meditate or some shit...
probably erase every bit of the intentions I had for tomorrow...
I might have a convo about 'mind hacking'...
Past hacking is a thing... soooo I'm curious now whether hacking your mind is possible?

I'll try to remember to make my blog post shorter next time....
or more earthy for you land-lubbers.... you know...I'll talk about cats or food...
idk...
or I won't *shrugs....