cup of tea, my dear?

Do you know what's funny....
I used to live up in the boonies....far far away, on the mountain (well....more like a big hill, but 'they' call it a mountain, psh!). Anyway...we lived next to the woods....lots of woods, overlooking a nice little valley area. It snowed every year, at least a few times...and if they said it 'might' snow, we were getting snow. Lots of bugs, ticks, fleas, bees, giant ass hornets. Very few squirrels, mosquitoes and other creatures except there was an ample supply of predatory birds that circled the valley behind the house.
So this place was far from anything per say. 1 crappy walmart within a 15 minute drive 1 way. You were screwed if you needed anything else other than gas or car parts.
So we lived there for...oh...about 10 years. Tried to grow grass for those 10 years unsuccessfully and only saw 2 deer within view from the house during those 10 years, a few turtles, a few snakes, only 1 rattler though. The girl claimed she saw a massive black bird-like creature flying behind the house, bigger than the car. I saw shadows in the yard quite often, and the dogs were convinced every night that boogie men were in the forest.

Now we live back in society. In the valley, but up on a hill. No huge woods, but we have a wooded area far behind the house. Not too many bugs (at least not yet, we've only been here since late Sept.) Thousands of squirrels, falcons, hawks, owls, raccoons, fox, among other creatures we get to see, and including that turkey the other day nibbling at something in our yard. Stores within 'sure, I'll run out to pick it up' distance. Grass in the yard already. Dogs still bark at the boogie men, and the radio tower I once saw that UFO fly by is in the distance.
Now it seems that instead of this...ugh...snow....'I wonder if hubby can still make it to work' thought....I have this ..'ohhh!! Maybe snow, yay!' thought. Cause at least if we build a snow creature in the yard, all the people who drive by can appreciate it. Not that they would.....these city folk who rush to the store to buy their milk and bread for fear of being trapped by a whole foot of snow!!! AHHH!!...hahaha....I like snow. I like my cabinets full of food....(mind that maybe I have more boxes of cake mix than potatoes) and a fireplace for the power outages...ooohh...power outages...like that didn't happen every freaking year up that mountain...hill place.
Anyway...I still own it. But I think the appreciation of the good things is what living without them develops. Kinda like if you lived on the beach...it wouldn't be so great after a long while...with the salt, and sand, and wind, and constant sound. The barren horizon. But visiting there, you appreciate the heat, the sun, the barren horizon, the sand...the sound, the wind, ....the hotel that has the 10 pools....oh sorry...just thinking about my beach vacation I will not be taking next year....unless of course they want to send me 50% off and all, without a minimum stay. I'm poor...with all these 2 mortgage payments, and a fridge to pay off and that other stuff I need to pay for.

I really should be getting work done. Well, I did a lot so far sewing wise, but I need to prep some other print out stuff. I thought of something earlier I was going to write about, but I have forgotten since then so now I'm basically rambling.
My internet has been horrible today. The people who complain about nothing have been dealt with. The hard part of the set I'm working on is finished...and will be complete tomorrow. I'm dissatisfied with the way certain things are going. I'm still thinking about that movie...and how it does an excellent job at portraying the human condition and God even though it doesn't directly imply it. That was what I referred to as the gift I got from it.....so now I'm doing that end of the year sweep of ..oh....everything. Mainly because I'm not the least bit afraid of doing it....yeah....like clearing the chakras, but at a total level. This comes in to play with my resolution to be selfish.
Oh!! oh oh oh! Let me tell you how incredibly awesome my very good friend is!!! OMG! Total kick-ass friend! He is very freaking incredible and even Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE is sure to be aware of it!
I'm probably going to freak half of 'you who still read this lame ass blog' out pretty soon...so be warned....just one of those phases....I'll be fine once everything realigns and all. But it's kinda a situation to where you turn your inner world into utter chaos and catastrophe to be 100% sure on what you are basing your life on...and it needs to be done. So if I say some not so awesome stuff, or even total contradictory stuff, or even omg, wtf stuff.....be passive and just let me have some time to realign the truth to where it needs to be. As we can't believe everything all the time...it must change....and only what survives the chaos can become sacred....and in turn another rod of iron to build your foundation upon. Yeah...like the boss man....even what we believe about Him.....needs to be able to survive the destruction, or what we thought was not the truth......Test the spirits we must.....but tis our own that must be put through the harshest trials.
And this is where you'll find me.


burning...blazing...set afire in the furnace of the stars....like the sun...

Greatness in the little things

...... I dreamed a dream of a life worth living ......

There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds. This is the ultimate end of man, to find the One which is in him; which is his truth, which is his soul; the key with which he opens the gate of the spiritual life, the heavenly kingdom. Before we can pray, "Lord, Thy Kingdom come," we must be willing to pray, "My Kingdom go."
Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before.

Today was a perfect day. Let me tell you why.
First, because it is not yet over. Among the many other obvious blessings which I will not take the time to list. The dinner roll recipe worked perfectly and they were excellent. Brownies do in fact taste better the day after baking too. But these are not the important things, I know, but they are the things still grasping at the limelight pleading to be included as blessings.
Went to see a movie too.....which I will attest that this was my favorite Christmas present. Les Miserables.
Mind you I don't think but maybe 10 words were actually spoken in the entire film, but there's something there...a message pounding through the story and throughout the dialog. Perhaps only I can see these things....but it was beautiful. Highly recommended if you can tolerate constant singing and close ups of people singing for prolonged amounts of time. Something I got from it that was a great gift. Thank you.


I'm going to be so freaking selfish from now on....and you'll thank me for it. I'm going to be so freaking selfish....and it's going to be a beautiful thing.

Poor poor creatures....bestowed with a divine nature....triumph comes with the sunrise of tomorrow.

Love lift us up where we belong....where the eagles fly, on the mountains high.....

.....I dreamed that love would never die... and I dreamed that God would be forgiving....

See you there my friends. Peace out.

9/11 and broke cashola

I'm not sure why I'm here just yet. But I figure it will come to me. "Go write" was the thought...so me being all cooperative am doing so.
I'm feeling rushed, as though there is something that must be said. I'm feeling nervous too, as though something approaches.....and I keep referring to the stupid end of the world that is scheduled, but I know that is not it...at least not exactly.
As a matter of fact, I don't expect anything to happen tomorrow at all...besides a bunch of random facebook posts about how excitedly boring it is tomorrow. But if anything was going to happen, it would be on the 23rd. And only I express that opinion because there is a pattern I have been watching and the 23rd would fit the pattern.....not the 21st. Of course this doesn't mean rapture talk or end of the world, or war, or aliens, or zombie apocalypse either. However if you look at the pattern, it will be related to something involving death and probably guns. Because what better way is there to get people to hand over their weapons than filling those who fear them with just that.....fear. 12/23/12 also adds up to 11, which only leaves the number '6' to come about once the incident happens. And if you even really want to know what that has to do with anything...it would represent 11/6, which if you invert it....is 9/11 ....and this is the consistent pattern that has rampaged the whole year when gun violence has erupted.
It all a conspiracy to get people to relinquish their 2nd amendment rights. Just you wait and see.

Of course, rapture would be awesome too. Tis the season 'eh?
Anyway, I want to thank the most awesomest person ever for His most excellent gifts.

Remember those last 3 orders... I have 2 partly made, as I'm waiting on my fabric to ship to me...the other I'm waiting on payment. I just sold 2 more (yay!). Have a whole design line waiting for fabrics to arrive, 2 more waiting to be put together (once I pick up fabrics for those tomorrow) (Yes, nothing like fabric shopping the day the world should end!) and I'm still liking my job. Though I would much rather take pictures, lol. I have a few photoshoots stewing in my head, but those of course are creative themed ones and cost me time, money, and effort to prepare...none of which I have to give at the moment. Would be nice if someone could pay me for a creative themed shoot beforehand so I have something to work toward and I'd have money to do it with, lol.

Let's talk new year's resolutions. Well, we already know that one of mine I started last week. That one is the resolution to be selfish (hell yeah!). Another is to stop procrastinating. Which I'm going to need some major intervention, because I don't have a clue how to actually begin developing that.

*sigh
wind is turbulent tonight...I like it!

Merry Christmas in case I don't get to say hello again. Happy winter solstice too, cause we all like a little change now and then. And I think Kwanza is next week...happy or whatever they say Kwanza. I really don't care. And Merry Fourthmas too, which is for fun awesome people like me who give gifts ever week of December :) ....though I think I'll be gifted out by the 29th...hmmm... I'll make brownies or something, lol. Maybe some cake pops with my new cake pop cooker thing :)

Stay strong. We are near the finish line, even if you can't see it.

And now that hubby is home early, I don't think I'll get to go fabric shopping tomorrow....will end up being too broke with a short check next week.....ugh, perfect.

Here's you a loopy cord, hold on tight now

*sigh.... I'm struggling here.
Something 'feels' all wrong somehow, but I haven't a clue what it could be. Maybe it's just me and my lack of carbs today or the wet dampness without sunshine. Or maybe it's the world.
Maybe it's the lack of money, or lack of chocolate. Maybe it's nothing to do with immediate resources, but everything to do with the energy that is pumping up from the earth. This 'bad' frequency. And it's been flowing ever so thickly for the last 3 days. One that continuously leaves you feeling a bit angry, a bit sad, and tries to convince you that you are worthless and powerless and absolutely sold on some huge fairytale.
You try to shake yourself out of this stupor, these radiating waves that crash into you over and over and over and over, but even if your brain finds it footing, it's left watching helplessly as your emotions drown in the roaring sea.
We can't save ourselves....

So our logic tells us that reality is as such...and proof unfolds bountifully. Emotions tell us that there is more, it knows there's plenty more than what our brains say exist because its our emotions that remember. The brain often forgets. We may not remember the words, or the reason....but we remember the love, and the joy, and the feeling of having that love. You can't say it doesn't exist if you have ever felt it. The brain will bow to those emotions....because emotions never forget.
People say not to let your emotions run your life. I disagree. The only thing that was ever real is what they have seen and known. The brain tries relentlessly to overpower them...but that love cannot succumb to those pleas. It knows there is 'more' than what the brain can interpret. And when the emotions have a fit of remembrance...a visit to a long past memory....the brain is then silenced....because the eyes will still shine with joy at that memory...and the lips will still smile on cue. For the emotions rule with a consuming fire.

I wonder if those emotions travel across time. Perhaps other lives, or perhaps back to where it began. When there's a pulling so strong toward something your brain has never witnessed. And you may not remember, but a part of you still aches for something...someone. And it/they must exist....they must. If they didn't, your love would only be here before your eyes.


Forget it. I'm not in the mood to explain crap. I'm cold, a bit tired, and bit sad, and do not have the slightest urge to complete my last 2 orders.
I'll try in the morning and prevent myself from checking email first, so I don't get lost on the world wide web. I'm also hoping I can make some sales here soon, since being super broke is no fun, and bills still need paid. Food still needs bought, and no clue how I'm going to get the fabrics I need just yet.

Otherwise besides these most irritating 'feeling(s)' and this aching pull that I'm missing someone, I'm rather good.
The boss man and I had a chat (yeah, finally words!) and I got a simple answer to a simple question....a real answer this time instead of another question that answers your question. Anyway, you'd think I'd be all giddy and excited about that, but I'm just kinda ...'oh, ok' and I know, that's lame for me to be like this, but it's not me...it's the earth vibes or something.

We were watching McGuyver today and they were using a phone...with a loopy cord, lol. And thinking how great it would be if he just had a cell phone to call for help. Wasn't that only maybe 20 years ago? Ugh....makes you wonder where we will be in another 20 years.

Ignore this post.

Today I witnessed something that was sort of a "huh". People watching basically...in the middle of the dreaded wal-mart...just in front of the pasta aisle.
A lady was standing next to her husband in the isle while her buggy blocked the other side of the aisle. A man in the main aisle wanted to turn into this 'pasta' aisle with his buggy, but had to stop since it was being blocked. Another lady on the main aisle coming from the opposite direction also came up to turn into the pasta aisle, but stopped. We were also waiting to turn into the pasta aisle but moved over closer to that freezer section in the middle of the main aisle to wait for the lady and her husband who were blocking the aisle to move....which they weren't even aware that at least 3 people wanted to go down that aisle since they were discussing what I think was pasta sauce...
So instead of me just walking between the lady/husband and their buggy to get the one little thing I needed and walk back to my hubby/kids/buggy that would have to wait in the main aisle...I stopped and watched as I wanted to see what the man and other lady was going to do about it (since they were waiting to go down the pasta aisle).
At first they both kinda just wobbled their buggies forward and backward, like they were in debates of whether or not they really needed to go down that aisle now.... they both neither made eye contact with the lady/husband duo, nor with each other, nor with me. I know because I was watching them wondering how they were going to handle this situation.
The man appeared to give up after his wobbling buggy attempts failed to gain the notice of the lady/husband. He stopped and just stood there, randomly looking at things he didn't even care to look at.
The lady still wobbled her buggy back and forth slightly though I could tell she was having a difficult time being patient. Her lips tightened and her body stiffened like she was cussing the lady/husband in her head.
Meanwhile, I looked over to my hubby and smiled, since he knew that I was waiting to go down the aisle only because I was watching these people. Usually I would just go and get what I needed regardless if my buggy could fit or not. Like I said...wal-mart is dreadful and if I can cut it even 1 minute shorter, I will.

The thing is, either of the man or lady could have presses closer into the pasta aisle to really get the lady/husband's attention to move their freaking buggy out of the way. They could have said 'excuse me'. They could have even worse case scenario hit the lady/husband's buggy on purpose and said 'excuse me'. But I suppose in the name of politeness, they did nothing. And nothing was the effect. Besides the tight lipped irritation and the added 2 minutes longer inside the store.
Eventually the lady/husband moved on....and I even waited for the man and other lady to move into the aisle and as they slowly lingered to a stop browsing the pasta aisle, we passed them with speed.....getting out is a race, don't ya know. And I told hubby my findings on that observation....

Would you like to hear them? No? Yes? well, I'm going to tell you anyway.
Doing nothing is only fine for a maximum of 30 seconds. Patience is fine in the name of politeness, but only for 30 seconds. I will allow slow brains to process best case scenarios with this ample time frame. However after 30 seconds, action must be enforced. Not vulgar, violent action...but something other than giving up or doing the same inefficient motions...
I really do wonder how many missed opportunities are passed up because of people's double-mindedness. How many great moments are wasted because of people's ability to just give up and/or ignore them. Don't get me wrong, I do it too...I think we all do at some point or another, and probably more often by habit than we realize....but those people out there in the world who go for what they want and never give up and who sometimes may seem like jerks or assholes because it appears they lack manners or politeness.....when in fact they probably used to be polite until a point came when so much effort was ignored by others on their part that they stopped even trying to help you feel better and made themselves better for it.
For example....I don't usually wait for people to move...at least not longer than a few seconds...like 10 (and that's a freaking lot!)...I say excuse me. If they don't hear me...I accidentally perhaps on purpose press closer to where I know they see me...and I say excuse me again. If by chance they don't see me I just go faster like I'm in a huge rush and if I tap them or their buggy I go 'sorry'. Or something of the sort. It helps too if the kids are also running around...cause I can smile that fakey mom smile and say 'I'm so sorry' all exasperated and such and go about my day. So they think I've had a long hard day or something. Not my job to care what they think....my job is to get in and out as soon as possible.
But...I think being over polite or giving leniency to what we will call 'obstacles' is absolutely unnecessary and expends more energy than it's worth...
Of course...I'm being all selfish and such now, so I could just put it in simple terms and say that we should just do what we need to do without too much stress on ourselves.


Anyway...people watching is kinda cool.
In other news....and no, I won't be talking about what is really on the news...the other day after writing my last blog post...I had an epiphany.
Like a freaky weird....omg one.
"Please fix all of me that is broken.....and lead all of me that is lost."
I remember praying this not but a week ago.... something of an effort to have those things inside made right...because we know that everything is wrong and there are parts of us that are indeed broken....and parts that are indeed lost. Always asking Him for such blessings...as there's no other one who can bring it to us. And I still feel the cast...that heavy, itchy, uncomfortable cast...the one that may be meant to fix those broken things. And I see the stars....those shining lights that strive to lead the lost.
But I wonder...when we do pray...humbled...and entirely there before Him..... Is it even us who are praying for ourselves? Or is it Him praying for His children? Sometimes we can't hear our own voices when He speaks. Sometimes we make it all about ourselves, when He makes it all about Us...All of Us.... We pray for ourselves, for others too....but He prays for His people....and our words are His.
"Please fix all of me that is broken.....and lead all of me that is lost."....I don't think it was only me speaking to Him, as much as it was Him speaking to me. To fix His broken ones....to lead His lost ones...
But how do we do such things?.....and now I'm thinking about that cast I have....and where we need to place one for others. Thinking of the stars we are and where we need to place ourselves to lead others. Why is this so easily difficult? A star lost among the heavens although the whole world can see it.

Argh....let's get off the subject...I usually only chat with my very good friend about such matters.... not like anyone else even has the slightest hint of understanding!


I'm sorry in advance....I can't help myself..... It's like watching the world all come together over something terrible that happens and 1 month later no one cares anymore....and people forget that evil is in the world and it must be stopped and they go about their regular day and just forget...and it happens over and over and over again and people are asleep and only care when ten thousand other people care. Or if you care and then no one else does and you can't do everything on your own to fix it. You can't help on your own, you can't even talk about it and hope you get help because no one else steps up to do anything anymore and I just want to go the fuck home. I hate you stupid people. (Not you my blog readers!...I'm talking about uncaring fools) I'm a bit mad and sad and fed up and people are fighting over this and that and nit picking everything about what needs done and how and when and don't even give a fuck about the fact that this will happen again when you fall back asleep.....GRRRR!
Just don't let it happen again.
So much can be done now that doesn't require hate and fear to accomplish....yet they choose to fight. They choose this. And people like me just watch as they falter and fail.....and watch as our rights are given away and watch as people hand over everything that is important....watch as people come together then rip it apart and forget like nothing ever happened...and it makes me sick to be here with them. The last 24 hours...I saw beautiful thoughtful things and wonderful people pulling together....and then I saw fear...and hate...and by tomorrow wherever He was will be trampled underfoot. The sheep will have fallen back to sleep...and can't hear the Shepherd's call.

I don't think the world will end on the 21st....not at all....but I sure hope it does anyhow. Of course, Dec 23rd would be the illuminati date, so something has more of a chance to happen then than on the 21st, but we all know nothing ever happens! Get a life and live it....live it loudly!

Thirdmas was good. (That was today, btw.) I got my crockpot!, and a clock for my sewing room. Hubby even got a clock for his garage and just so happened to snag a great deal on a grandfather clock that he went to pick up. (argh, we are so broke, stop buying 'stuff' please!) >8-(
No clue as to why 'clocks' are the theme of the day and I really don't want to think about it truthfully. Anyway, Thirdmas was good. Next Saturday is Fourthmas! WHEEeeEEeeEE! You should totally try out this idea.

I'm tired.....and probably shared more than I should have....but not that it matters anyway. I'll leave you with a few tips and then I'm out of here and off to bed!
tip #1 - never trust the us postal service to do a good job
tip#2 - carry a gun legally (osa ouya anca hootsa nyaa f'sma howa hreatenta nnocentia hildrenca!)
tip#3 - trust in Jesus and have a very good friend for days when the boss man is being too quiet.
tip#4 - tell your kids you love them
tip#5 - stay awake...you can sleep when you're dead.
Tip#5- it's probably not a good idea to take everything I say literately, lol.

Goodnight my friends. Hoping the sun rises without delay and covers this darkness with a blanket of light.

....dang it....just finished writing and I just had an epiphany!

"Please fix all of me that is broken...."

Where have I been the last 3 days? Caged in the sewing room putting together the last huge part of a huge order....not that I procrastinated....it's just that I didn't know when they were needed until Friday...
So work began Friday night....then Saturday I helped somewhere....doing a volunteer thing for some 'I don't know why' reason.....Sewed Sat. night...all freaking day Sunday...(yes, all freaking day, except during dinner...) Then Monday evening after we got home....the Yes...even Tuesday morning because it needed mailed out Tuesday morning (that's today, btw)...which Thank the Lord it was.

I love my job.
Of course if you asked me the question about it yesterday, I would have sighed a huge sigh and furiously gave you a silent death stare.
Don't ask me that question under certain circumstances. Got it?

I'm not feeling all that insightful lately, nor have there been any dreams/visions/moments of insanity to talk about....just still a bit broken.......but do you know how something is broken...and then it gets casted? How uncomfortable that cast is even though it is helping you heal. A bit itchy, stiff, dry, irritated.....hard. (lol....that sounds wrong, lol....you know what I mean!)
Anyway....the healing process sometimes isn't so great...but you know that the brokeness is getting fixed. Because you asked Him to fix it...and well...He's awesome like that. Like a doctor you trust, like Mr. Clean actually coming to clean and all without you having to do the work.....well, you do actually work...but when it's done, it's like you really didn't work that hard at all, lol.


I have 4 orders left.... It's been awhile since I had only 4 orders left. WOW.
and my paypal account is at $0...and 0 cents.... nice.


I've decided.... I'm going to be selfish for the rest of the month and all next year. This is my new year's resolution...that just so happens to start today. "And there ain't nothing you ninnies can do about it" lol... (had to say it that way, on Mulan, the army guy says it and I hear it all the time in my head, haha!)
Luckily , some of you are spared, because I'm going to do what I want when I want how I want...and it just so happens I want to do mostly good/fun/crazy things. The boss man says to do what I want, cause it's what He wants too.
Would be nice if I could buy me some fabric...or a ski trip. Oh, yeah...but that paypal account is going to need some cashola for such adventures.


The sign language thing is kinda thwarped....? Last one was with the hand wipe thing, then a finger push tot he forehead, lol. Took me a few days, but it means to "wipe clean your spirit" or something to that effect. He's been quiet lately, but mostly because I've been working to long and fall asleep way too fast to chat.... I fall asleep while chatting half the time, lol. Sorry.
Not that He chats much anyway. Today, He;s just looking kinda happy....but tired?? Worn down, but there's a small smile on His face.


And I'm just sitting here all excitedly exhausted... :)

So 4 more orders, albet being broke :( .... still need to edit photos, clean house more than just dusting, need to take a long bath because it sounds so much more relaxing than cleaning, and bake some chocolate chip cookies before I attempt to lose a whopping 5-10 lbs. and actually start exercising again.
Although.....my legs ache for sure from sewing the last few days! I do stand and work ya know! And my cushy chair I have in there is being used as another table.....hmmm.... (clean the sewing room: adding to list now)

Still need to get applique designs prepped, and fabric found....(since I can't right order it until I get some moolah) and possibly start Book 3. :)

Thirdmas is Saturday...can't wait! I love this idea, because I get stupidly excited every week, haha! Even if I get to pick out something I bought myself anyway :) ... I such a dork, that I get enjoyment out of obviously retarded stuff. (((---- LIKE THIS ----)))
There are 'bad' words on some of those videos, so even though they are funny, be sure kiddos aren't watching.


Guess it's dinner time (yay FOOD!) I'll need to come write more soon, as I wanted to the other day but was busy and super duper tired. But now that I'm being all selfish and shit I will if I want to....when I want to. Ha!


".....and lead all of me that is lost."

Speechless and drifting full of fire

This just never gets boring!
This 'sign' language....this strange communication that is leading somewhere spectacular...and I'm excited beyond belief!

So the last one...with the flipping over....that means to 'turn it over', but not like flip it over turn it over, but to release, turn it over....
And the wiggly finger thing.....
Let me tell you a story....

So there's this crazy girl I know. She recently took this huge jump off a tall tall cliff.....I mean hurled herself willingly that way where there is no ground...And in an effort to be entirely subject to the truth...she went...not falling...but gliding closer...in the darkness...forward...like in space...
There the boss man found her once again amused that she deliberately insisted on a more interior form of communication because the old way just wasn't going to fill her hunger....and so He let her have it....that more deep delving truth inducing language....one that evidently she now realizes does not include speech. And oh, how she misses the voice....the voice...
But what is this? This touch...this movement? This is new indeed. Let us listen....
And the truth comes and the words are like thunder to a heart that seems to actually 'hear' better than before.
More clearer....more distinct....listen closely...

I like stories :)
So back to the wiggling finger sign language.....I just so happened to watch this one person who's video's I watch quite often....and what was she talking about? Sound, voice, energy, ...and how did she describe something she was talking about....you guessed it...she freaking wiggled her fingers to motion the frequency of you know who's energy.... And why oh why do I have to witness such 'peculiar' things?! Besides to give the boss man an awesome episode of 'oh, j's having a great freak out moment' haha!

I love this....

now if that means something about turning over frequently or releasing energy, or a shortened version of 'speech'.... I guess maybe all three....

So....He came again...well...I went more likely.....and again I get yet another mysterious hand gesture thingamajig..../
This time...while still holding my hand palm up (yes still!). He slides His hand down mine and off...then while making His fingers touch, He reaches over and touches my forehead with His fingers.
And...I'm at that NO CLUE stage yet again...unless you want to consider my 'idk, maybe' option...of ....wiping clean your spirit idea....lol...idk!
I have 48 hours I guess.


In other news from around the world.....I have 8 orders to complete which equals 17 items....and this doesn't include gift items....and there's no way this looks feasible to be a smooth sailing month! Lol.....come on Dec 21st! I'm ready to depart! Lol....yeah....like I would get so lucky....anyway...Wolverine 2 comes out next year and I must see it.

So today we had our Firstmas...which in simpler terms means the first week of Christmas (cause we are cool and non traditional and what fun is it to wait until 1 day when we can have fun once a week!) and my reason for taking Christ out of Firstmas is because He should fit in everyday....not just once a year...so bite me landlubbers! We are stars here living in the heavens.... NO FEAR! Anyway, the boss man got a good laugh at my outright stubborness to refuse conformity.

Next week is Secondmas....I hope to lay claim to my new jeans and my new crockpot. Today I was blessed with some mixing bowls and my orange striped sweater I thought about all freaking week, haha! Buying your own presents does have its advantages and disadvantages!

Well........I guess I'm done. Maybe you can take something from something I post so I don't feel like I'm wasting any more time.
You know that feeling to where you are about to burst....that you want to...but you don't have the means to...and then you deflate silently and all that energy is just gone and then you just no longer care for awhile.....yeah....so close to that...and the struggle is finding out how bursting can be achieved....and how deflating can be bypassed....how to turn a fire into a blazing sun....and how to avoid becoming a black hole...cause there's way too many black holes around here... I want to be with the blazing star. Burning, blazing, firelight that scorches the nitty gritty dust so you can know when to wash it off. The boiling sun that heats up and blinds you so you can learn to feel again.... The dancing flaming torch that howls in the wind so you can listen...and walk forward without fear in this smothering darkness. You are flawed....we are flawed....and we need cleansed from this ever growing lie that you have to be like the rest of them....the lie that says you are the dust from the ground....and you must return to it. The lie that says you belong here where these people you don't even know stand believing the same thing....
This is not your family....for your family wouldn't betray you...or lie to you.

We are stars.....who barely know how to use our own light much less let others see it. Flawed stars struggling to reach the sky. Always looking up.....but why....when we can just burn bright right where we are and turn this cursed ground into a garden....a garden of stars....and we will spin endlessly in the cosmos....


You know those times when you kinda lose track and then you think on your 'big plans' and then you just want to cry....

..... can you see what I mean....

Omg.....It's SIGN LANGUAGE!!!
He's teaching me SIGN Language!

Again with the hand thing and holding my hand palm up. He then took His other hand and formed what I thought was the letter 'P' in sign language and set it on my palm then flipped it over upside down.... (well, it wasn't the letter 'p', I'm not sure what it was or what He meant??) Then after that He lifted the same hand up and wiggled His fingers moving His hand higher away from my palm. ...
He did this a few times so I would get what He was showing me...

Ok, so NO FREAKING CLUE what He was showing me...YET.
These things usually get answered within 48 hours most of the time....
I'm not talking about sign language as in hand signals literately....I'm talking being able to READ THE SIGNS! Like to notice when something is a sign and what it means.

Maybe it was the letter 'D' but laying on its side?......ugh....
How confusing confuzaling!!


"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman

Did I tell you?....

So I'm having this OMG moment(s) recently.
The boss man is so freaking cool....and let me tell you why....
Because sometime when He's trying to tell me something and I'm like.. "whaaaat???" all confusazled and such.... He simply just sends me the message another way.
Of course...simply saying it would suffice, but I think there's more to it than that....I'm pretty sure there's a lesson in His silence. Like there's something in that criss crossing hand thing...

And now....I'm super excited! Cause yes...the time is at hand, and we are going to have a fantastical time!
WheeEEEeeeeEEEE!!!

Did I tell you.... I went ahead and caused some 'holy crap, what did I just do?!' stress out event...
I take that back...I went and created quite a few stress out events. I'm on a roll I tell you.
Now if only I would remember to write such things down and remember to read my to-do list I wouldn't have to feel all 'holy crap, what did I just do?!' ish.
(I hope you can understand my writing...)
As I am now a night owl because hubby is on second and I get to stay home with kids for what seems like way longer than before....I like kids and all, but sometimes someone else being home lets me feel more relieved that I'm not the only one responsible...kwim?
So if I sound a bit loony, you are correct, lololololol!!!
I even think that's funny....gosh, I'm a dork.

So the boss man is awesome as always and that jumping off a cliff thing was way way overdue....so much so, that I'm ready to do it again, but from higher up..like tonight.
You should try it..I feel all achingly excited and looking at myself from a third person point of view, I'm like... "what is wrong with her?"...but inside I'm like "Look at what's right with Me!!!" WHEEEEeeeeEEEE, LOL.
I need a drink, lol.

Like coffee numbnuts..or grapejuice...mmmmm.

Did I tell you that the boss man is awesome?! Yes He is!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!

Did I also mention that I only have 6 orders left....(yeah, that really equals 12 items) but my sewing work tack board is looking bare! thank God!
And I have money in paypal, Thank God!
And Saturday is Christmas week #2, so we get to open something....assuming I wrap it, lol. I think I'll choose my mixing bowls and a sweater, because I've been dying to use them....and debating whether or not to give the kids their harmonicas or paddleballs....one makes noise...the other takes out eyes...and they were like all confuzaled that I had paddleballs to give away and wouldn't let them have them, lol....little do they know I have a set for them too...ugh, kids.

So .....lol.....you must think I'm crazy...and you are correct! Ha!
Crazy and bleeding joyful! Things are gonna be awesome! and you get to hear all about it here on my retarded stupid blog, haha!
I'm actually surprised anyone reads this at all...I'm so lame and boring, and stupid, and confuzaled about everything, I think it's all great though. Perfectly Imperfect...eh?
See that...eh?...we going all Canadian, lol....
No not really, I prefer Australian...
But I need $12K to get there and back...
And it won;t happen next year, because I already booked for somewhere else....hmmmm....and I want to complain a bit about a piece of that...
See..on the way back from this place we're going...instead of driving 10 hours straight home...we could go half way and hit up the beach for a day or 2....well, this half way point evidently is expensive... and doesn't have anywhere I can find with a kitchen and pool as well on the beach....
Now Myrtle Beach where we went the last 2 years has 40% off right now and I can get 3 days for $200...but this half way point is $400 for only 2 days without the pool :( without a kitchen in the room too :( ...I'm sorry, but I can't eat out like everyone else. Well, unless I want to feel all sick and shit.

Anyway....I'm like just wanting to go take pictures for some reason...lol...
It's like a freaking obsession!....oh hang on for a sec, brb...
mmmm...coffee...and a brownie too. ;)
What was I saying?...



Its and hour later and I HAD to come back to edit this real quick.....must tell you about the hand thing the boss man was doing/showed me...because it was freaking me out that I just figured out what He was saying! And then something else is freaking me out more and well...I'm freaking out!

So we were seated on our knees in this circular area....safe place but still dark outside...He takes hold of my hand and flips it over (palm up)
He's holding it with one to keep it there facing up and takes His other hand and with His finger He is tracing lines on my palm.....
My first thought was a clock, but then I thought a compass, then I just didn't know, I was confuzaled as I said before! Then He did it again more determined and then after making the lines He made a swirling motion (like a whirlwind in my palm)...
So I couldn't figure it out today until I was listening to something that was telling how the time is at hand... and it immediately reminded me of what He was tracing in my hand...and about it relating to a clock...time moving like a clock (yes, He was going clockwise!) ...and at hand....which freaked me out because I don't usually get immediate confirmations like this....
Then just a bit ago I saw something else that made absolute sense.....and I can't write about that tonight until I let it mingle in my brain a bit longer but it is freaky!
I'l share soon though, cause it is crazy weird!

A leap or maybe a falling out....

Do you know those times when you are ready to move on to something more filling than the mush....?
This is one of those times. One of those perplexing, scary, courage inducing moments when you are on the edge of the cliff and you want to leap off. Want to.
Not the normal need to, or have to, or should, could, would.....but the will. So much will to that even backing up to get a running start is much too long of a delay.

I explain this situation to be something like a child growing up...first the smooth easy milk, then the soft mushable foods, then more thicker foods of mashed potatoes and gravy, a little bit of spiciness to flavor your soul....some ground beef and some lasagna...and all those foods that are tasty and good...
But then there comes a time when it's fruit you want...a crisp apple...hard to bite into sometimes...sometimes hard to chew...but if you buy apples at Greenlife, you know that it tastes like an apple from heaven. (So much so to convince you never to buy apples other than 100% natural, non-gmo, organic...perfection!) There's no going back.
No going back, just like there's no going back to that mush of food you used to eat....because it is no longer filling for the work you are doing. The work you are preparing for. You need the meat, the spice.....the fruit.

And I am here. On this cliff and I am not going back....but forward.

And there was this time when there's Him up there...then Him over there...even Him right in front of your face.....and I find this at this time all farce. There's more....and I have yet to hold it in my hands....
I will not play this childish game any longer. He will not be there...not even in front of my face...No. I hear myself scream on the inside because I know there's more and I know He's more than what this unstable mind can understand...and I will thrust myself off this cliff in order to have Him fully...more fully. No fear. I will lose all to hold Him.....


There's so much more to say, so freaking much. I'm a bit annoyed by people complaining about how Black Friday shopping is silly. I went. I actually went out Thursday night as well as Friday and stood in line for a pretty long time in 2 different stores. (inside and outside!) People were nice, people were calm and pretty relaxed...I didn't see an issue. I got some great deals...and no, not that $10 savings some people lie to themselves about so they won't brave the crowds.....I'm talking 70% off some items.
I didn't buy a flat screen tv or something like a camera lens...(which would be awesome if Nikon ever put anything they make on sale) but they don't because they don't have to...But I made out with $500 worth of goods for less than $200. I bought my kids a few presents...I bought myself and family some clothes cause we needed some....(ok, so I probably don't, but I like clothes, lol) I bought presents for 2 kids whom I never met. Awesome ones at that, not some el cheapo dollar store plastic shit. But paying that el cheap price! :). Dishes for my kitchen! But I should have gotten 2 sets, because they are no longer on sale and they are $99!! I got them for $35, haha! And I have Kohl's cash to use on whatever sometimes next week...free money...sort of, lol.
I also bought the gerbil a new running ball. Yes, the gerbil. I got some dinky stupid stuff too, because we aren't doing the regular Christmas stuff like everyone else does.
We are doing the 4 weeks of christmas which include getting/giving presents one day each week until actual christmas day..... (and if you don't like that I type christmas with small letters sometimes, I don't care. You are uneducated if you think Jesus was actually born in December anyway...and even stupider to think His birth has anything to do with anything. It's His LIFE that ****ing matters! Get your priorities straight!)
I actually don't like christmas, I don't like setting up big green trees, and actually only let the kids put up the neon colored happy trees for festivity sake. I despise with a passion stockings, stupid!!!! I dislike the idea of what they did with Santa Claus...what a joke! I don't like how parents use santa claus as a reason to be good or make up some other lie so they don't have to take responsibility for their children. I do however like giving gifts, as I am fond of shopping. I don't care much for getting as much as I used to....as I buy myself stuff occasionally anyway (assuming it is on sale and I have a coupon, lol) anyway, it's just stuff. I prefer gifts like good health and fantastic dreams, or that one certain thing I'm waiting on...but those things come from the boss man....as do all perfect things....like fruit. Crisp filling perfect fruit....and especially that stuff that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that when leaping off cliffs that there is no such thing as falling... ;)

So today, I had to return a few things to the store that didn't fit my perfect child.... and I will tell you that people who shop the day after Black Friday are unfortunately missing out on all the good deals.....absolutely nothing was going for a good price today like yesterday!! $10 jeans I paid for to return were now $22 and that was the sale price....$25 shoes were now $45 and on sale...wtf?! And not to include the people this Saturday who complained and griped more that what I heard all day Thursday evening and Friday combined!
We waited in line at Target for about an hour Thursday night and didn't hear a single gripe!
However today at Kohls to find some jeans that fit my perfect child, this one lady was laying it on thick all over the store! (so the prices weren't that good anymore, but good gosh!) I felt sorry for the poor kid with her that was having to listen to it, because it was getting on my nerves.


So anyway....besides my great shopping trip and daring future in cliff diving with Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE....I have to sew tomorrow. And get packages packed and prepped for shipping. And who knows what else.
I need someone to come clean my oven too...so if you are not doing anything important, please stop by and bring an S.O.S. pad. I will feed you dairy free chocolate chip cookies.


I found this today....

It sorta sounds like how some people are waiting for god to come back.....always waiting.
One of the youtube people I watch had a bit of a freak out the other day....and is like super sure the boss man will be coming soon....maybe yeah...always maybe...but will it really be like everyone thinks? I'm not so sure. Yeah, always on the side of the fairy tale....always on the side of the dreamer and the joyful hope....but....
...there's work that needs done. There's a disease of loneliness, and hopelessness, and laziness, and a horde of unending lies that has this world turned into a swamp of filth.....
You want taken out? You want to be rescued and relieved from the job? You want to give up because it's just too hard, too difficult, just too many problems.....are you not strong enough to conquer this hate? Not strong enough to snuff out this evil?
Of course you're not....silly star....but He is....and if you get taken out you silly star.....you will leave the world in darkness. Have you no thought of those who will stumble? What about your job? Did you not tell the boss man to hire you and give you a job? You want to quit? Are you going back on your word? He has never gone back on His.....
Silly star.....He is your light....let Him shine. Screw the rest.

*sigh
Maybe...yeah, always maybe.

there was a song on the radio today... this one.....
U2's Sunday, Bloody Sunday
the part where they sing..."How long...how long how long must we sing this song?"
How long must we sing this song indeed? Of course we want to go home....but there's so much work to do....so much that needs fixed and set right, so much needing repaired...transmuted from hate to joy....
I just realized this song is really insightful....the lyrics...Sunday, Bloody Sunday....the irony.
Can you withstand the fire friends? Can you bear the cross? Him? Never give up friends. He will give you strength....and He will raise you up higher if you can just take that leap....

What is the leap, so you ask? (lol, can you tell I feel like writing today?) let us explore my thoughts this day....
This leap is often referred to as the letting go of everything you think you think and refusing it. Pushing it all away with force and only allowing the pure uncluttered truth to be allowed back in.
No more forgetting or re-remebering who He is.
Forcefully refusing your ideas and thoughts of who He is, what He is, and everything relating to such. Screaming on the inside because you know He's more than your thoughts and ideas. You know this because you once were held in His arms and saw His burning eyes, and heard His sweet voice, and every time He answered you it was a question to get you to answer yourself...and you know Him and who He is and knowing that He is not up there or over there and no He is not supposed to be right in front of your face or that belief of being in your heart bullshit....because you know Him and He is....
He is.....and He is the I. the I AM....
You can't see that part until you let go of every notion and thought you built before it. There is NO Him and Me, or Me and Him, NO NO NO NO NO!@!@! Not any freaking more, because I am not playing this childish game. I am not willing to spend another night with the thought of Him and Me or Me and Him....NO! Not even US, NOT EVEN US or OUR...NONONONONONONONONO!!!! It can only be I AM...I
I AM NOT PLAYING THIS GAME ANY LONGER.


Have you ever listened to Adrian Rodgers? He used to start some of his sayings with the word "Friends." and go on to tell you whatever he was talking about.....and I still here his voice when I think of saying something and saying friends in the beginning, lol.
I'm a nut, I know.
Anyway.....friends.....we are being taken away....but I don't think it's going to be what you think....

I told you....I'm not playing this game anymore....time is up....and we won't be the same all the time....not all dirt can be cleaned with a swiffer and broom....sometimes we need Mr. Clean too....
"Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Clean is stronger longer 'cause there's ultra power in it."....have you ever heard that commercial? It's from the early nineties I believe, lol....I wonder if I remembered it for this purpose only....
He's come to clean house......I pray you find yourself spotless.


I wonder if He would come clean my oven??

The fruits of stepping away from even your own truths

Do you realize how much I despise ufo type dreams?
Well, this last one wasn't horrible, as most of those ufo's looked handmade craft project type, so it didn't bother me so bad.....but.....
In this dream there was a bag of grapes that came down out of the sky and slowed down as they came down to me and I took hold of them....large cold juicy ready to eat grapes...with some very rather large dark purple ones in there too.
Why are there grapes coming from outer space? This is boggling my mind. Is this considered fruit from heaven, lol? No clue why this is making me feel all perplexed.
Also the fact that as I was waking up from this dream I was literately pulled awake and sat up as I awoke as if some electrical charge was like plugging me in. It was so crazy weird.
In the back of my mind, I was like 'rapture?', lol! But also thinking, no, it's not time for that yet. Gosh...but that's not all....So I was talking about the stars....and then these people I saw were talking about the stars...stars being taken away so they won't shine their light....ugh...this is weird stuff I get into, lol. Yay for 'crazy stupid doesn't mean anything and I can still function like a contributing member of society' crap.

Anyway....I'm feeling rushed, as it's past midnight.... (but not midnight earth time...as that's not till the 21st of Dec.) and there's errands that need ran tomorrow. Work stuff, food stuff, Thanksgiving stuff....but not in that order.
I'm going to keep trucking on and working, playing, planning, until that time comes where I don't have to do it...or until it's not so complicated/distracting/tiresome. Which will be sometime soon I hope.

I've discovered that once you find yourself somewhere on the path and think you are so much closer...you end up being so much more blinded...this reminds me of a mozaic puzzle....where there's tiny pictures that make up one huge one, but only if you step back. I find this coordinates rather closely with how people view certain aspects of their lives. They see this one picture and claim it is the entire truth, but in reality (actuality) it's only their own truth. What they see will be different from what others see....their own truths. But...we all know that all these put together create something much better, much larger, much more beautiful than only what we can see. If you ever want to see it to, I recommend you step back away from everything and just wait until your eyes can focus on the big picture. The whole truth...and not just your understanding/view of it.
Have you ever even put together one of those puzzles? I have one...it has tiny pictures of things like people, mules, cows, goats, clocks, feet, etc, etc, etc!!! Yes, they all are on there.....but when you step back away (from yourself and your little box).....the puzzle is a picture of a wolf. And I think most of us can agree on that.
Sad that He has to wait for everyone to take a step back from themselves and give up their own egos to see what things he has in store for us together. I think I'd rather have the entire truth than a few mules standing in a field....

What else to share?.....

My work list doesn't look too scary this evening....and I'm hopeful that I can handle the rest without stressing that certain items aren't finished yet. I'm caught in the struggle of hoping no one orders anything else so maybe for once I can take a relaxing break this December and do funner things than work. But on the other hand, being broke isn't all that cheerful and relaxing.
I have plans to move forward, to continue on, though sometimes I just see a huge mountain of impossibility in front of me. Not that that really matters, as I'm pretty positive and prefer to see the glass as a refreshing drink regardless of how full or empty it may be...and give thanks for it. But I wonder if what I would like to do is even worth the effort, the cost, the sanity. I have yet to crunch numbers and make a business plan. And then there's the other job....(hobby)...where I'm a newbie and have no clue on how to advertise, lol. As this one isn't an online gig like my other job....which I can totally handle. This one is in person....which is not my forte.
My very good friend probably has some good advice to share and all...but I haven't had a chance to chat with him lately. :( gosh, I miss him. Not quite as much as I miss the boss man when He is doing something besides tending to me, but you get the point. And my wonderful hubby just doesn't like giving business advice! Ugh.
If I could afford it I would totally call up Catherine from Cash and Joy....as she totally helped the last time I found myself in a 'I'm going to quit and burn this biz to the ground angry stage!'...she fixed it all better. I don't want to quit right now anyway...I just want to do more of what I want to do instead of tackling orders that everyone else wants.... dang money does that to you I guess.

I think I better go, I hear footsteps coming after me to steal me away from the computer. :( I want to talk, but I guess we'll have to plan out a time for me to come chat a little longer, or at least when its not so late, lol.



“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”

Tangled up in Virginia

Watched Tangled today......it was sad and sappy and happy and good...lol...yeah, and it was only my 4th time watching it, lol. God, what's wrong with me?! It's way too soon to be feeling all girly and crap, ugh!
Finally finished the fairy sets that needed done...yay! And tomorrow I need to tackle the circus set, but as of right now, that doesn't look too frightening.

RLet me send out a note of worthwhile forewarning.....FedEX is just as bad as the Post office! The post office wonderful job (NOT) speaks for itself...but when Fedex decides they don't want to do their entire job to deliver to your door, they have this thing where they drop your package off at the post office instead. (Like that helps!) So I have this package that accidentally got shipped to my old address.....to be delivered through fedex Monday....I call them to tell them I have a change of address and to not deliver it there...they say it is at that post office because they don't deliver, lol. So the post office will then send it back to Virginia where it will then get reshipped to me here....eventually with no way to track it, of course. Like my 3 lost books that are still lost in post office land. Perfect.
I will stick by the big brown trucks that say UPS!!! Fedex can go out of business along with the usps postal service! Then some people around here can start their own business that is not controlled by the federal government so maybe it will actually work right!
Well...that is until that healthcare law thing gets passed and companies can't afford it....oh wait...that's right...we're in Tennessee here...aren't we seceding or something.....yeah whatever, like that will ever happen!
Would that mean that if my mortgage company is in a non seceding state that I won't have to pay them anymore? Lol.

I'm going to work on my photoshoot set up tomorrow too. As I think the neighbor is gonna give me a few old pieces of wood to use for my wall hanging thingy. YAY! Photoshoot this weekend! Whoo!

Today...I think I heard 2 people talk about stars and burning.....the thing I wrote about the last 2 days....and this stuff freaks me out when it is exactly what I wrote....would this be considered 2 confirmations or 2 witnesses.....
I pretty much just take it as an 'omg' moment and get a little excited and such cause it's just another sign signalling that we're closer to where we want to be....I'm sure you know what I mean.

Lol....I hope you have seen Tangled....I just read something on facebook about how people give up on their dreams because of how others will feel or their own egos...and I kept remembering how Rapunzel started singing in the bar about 'I have a dream' and of course all the hooligans sang too and it makes me realize that having a dream is what most people really need. I often find that many people don't have one, they don't know, they don't care, they're not sure, they don't have time, they can't, or some other forsaken reason they created in order not to do what they love.....and I'm not sure why. they live day in and day out without aim or goal....without joy.
They will say they are happy....but happiness is not the same as joy. Happiness is brought on by happenstance. It can be taken away when the circumstances aren't in your favor......
But JOY.....no....if you have something that brings joy....it can't ever be lost. Of course, there's one main way to get joy....and that is to ask for it.... Ask Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE. Ask the boss man....ask Batman. And if you still have no clue who that one person is after reading my stupid blog posts....all three of them are the same person. You may know Him as Jesus... but He has many names.....I just happen to call Him a select few things, lol. He doesn't mind. I asked. ;)

Now the person I call 'my really good friend'....he is someone else. Maybe when I don't feel like I'm on the verge of insanity, I will tell you more about him.....but as of right now, I'm still shy when it comes to telling people about him. He's my very good friend....we'll leave it at that.
Of course, hubby is my friend too, but he gets bored of my spiritual thoughts...and assumes everything I say I read on facebook, lol. God love him.

So anyway.....I guess I need to get off here and prepare for some much needed sleep.
I would tell you about a dream I had, but I can't remember what it was about, I only remember waking up suddenly and glad I got out of it, but no clue as to what it was about...I guess that's good. :)

Nothing else that needs skimmed over for tonight...though I feel something big is going to happen soon....stay alert.

Talk to you all later, little gushy tenderloins of pickled french fries and jambalaya juice. Don't choke on that lion tart.

The disadvantages of having adhd (Alle Dagen Heel Druk)

I can't seem to find it.
That moment when you step away from the reactive pull towards idleness. I think I'm trapped.
I would do anything other than the one thing I should be doing....
Not that I don't want to do it...just that I can't find a reason to begin....

Once started it is quite easy to complete....but why is it so difficult to take that first step towards starting in the first place? I could even lie to myself and say I'll only do this one simple thing and not the rest....but I won't even do that....
I hate these times.
It's almost like the other times when I want to do 'this' thing, but won't, because of 'something'.
It's a freaking curse I tell you!
And on top of that I'm drowning in this hysteria of non decision making that is totally not working out very well. I feel like a freaking flip flopper! Argh! A double-minded idiot who just can't make up my mind...or to better describe, I just can't find the 100% mark to where I'm 100% sure. Lost in the fog, if you'd like.

Problem is I know how to fix this.... and I have yet to even handle that one simple action.

There's this burning desire to just fire up the rage inside and prove that it is just me getting in my own way. Prove that it can be done simply, perfectly, quickly, and without turmoil. But I feel myself just watching myself instead of being able to direct myself.... get that?


And there's this other thing lingering on my thoughts. Which I also know how to fix....but I can't find myself to make myself do it....hmmmm.

I will be away for awhile. And you may not find me.
I will be away for awhile. And you may not recognize me when I return.
I may be away for awhile. And fire will be pouring out, blazing raging furious lightning.....



We are alone. Each one of us. Each star, all alone.
There are other stars, true....many in fact....their light dazzling the skies every so often....then forgotten. Do we even know which one sent that light to us? We don't even know their names....only recognizing the light...but not the star...
A star all alone.
Do they all feel that way?

And I'm not talking about literal stars...not literal light... I'm talking about people...I'm talking about the beautiful gifts that come from them. The gift of the light...that part of us that is a part of Him.
Like you hear a song that grabs hold of you...that light. A picture that holds your eyes locked tightly to it....that light. A thought that carves deep to your soul...that light. It doesn't matter which star brought those perfect moments to you...it doesn't matter...the only thing you needed was that light.....that piece that holds Him somewhere within it.
Do you understand? Please understand.


I won't go there.....there where the others often lead. I won't go there....as I often think they hinder more than help. Here you will not find sweet milk and tummy rubs full of giggles. Here, there will be no remembrances of how this or that happened and it's happening to you now, oohs and ahhs....No. There will be not a single moment where you'll be pampered and felt sorry for. No, you will not be tread upon lightly....if you feel tread upon at all. There will be no mercy....no holding the baby's hand. No reassurances and baby steps, no 'it'll be okay''s, no whining toddler talk about how you must do this or that.... the milk has run dry...and it is a sad sad world in which others still give the bottle of lies to the infants who have never stood strong. Infants who couldn't recognize the light if it fell upon their lap. Infants and toddlers who can't hear His voice. ......The milk has run dry.... and you will starve unless you stand and chew the meat.

Can you not feel a thing?! Can no one feel a thing?! Does not your spirit feel this mighty quake?! Trembling trembling..... This great earthquake....this fire....???!!!
Where have you placed your soul my friends? Have you lost it? I won't be here much longer, I can't pull you out. I can't wake you up. I can't scream, I can't grab hold of you if you are not here. I can't come back for you either.
Please wake up.


Want to hear a story.... I may have posted this one before, but I really love it, so I'm going to post it again.


We were standing upon what looked like the salt flats that are out west. A blazing sky of orange and red that told of a new sunrise that was just about to sprout in the distance.
Where have these colors been? They looked new, young, vibrant, and alive. He took my hand and we began to dance. We danced...
He was wearing a suit. Nice, fitted, pristine... My dress was flowing, white, smooth, silent even as we danced.
We twirled on top of the white sands. The sky still blazing orange and red. A small streak of yellow cut forth upward from where the sun was rising...Was it rising in the west??
"Give me all of you, and I will give you all of me." He stated as we moved within each others arms.
I stopped and looked at him...his eyes.
"But you are...everything." I said quietly. Because he was, and I was nothing. I didn't think it was a fair trade....he would get the worse end of the deal. He slowed and gazed within me. "And what are you to me?"

Was I everything too? Everything to Him.
How little we realize.....
How much we forget.....


If you would like to read more of that stuff and those type stories....my deviantart journal is here....


Goodnight. Wherever the road leads...be sure to look into the forest for those whom are lost. No fun driving alone.


BTW.... Alle Dagen Heel Druk (adhd) means 'very busy every day' ;)

A rainbow of people.....burning like fire...in the dark

Abundance: and this is what He showed me. Pouring out from His hands...pouring out upon one another...abundance...abundance. All these gifts, too many to count...can we even see them all, the ones hidden beneath the ones toppling
“I come that you may have life, and have it more abundantly.”

Indeed.
I'm on the fence today. Partly lost in this ever growing consummation of the dream and the life. Walking tediously between being awake and being awake....not sure which is really the one I should be following after.
Then I'm still caught up upon the fence post dangling partly on the other side. Where you can see everything moving about day by day by day...and not wanting to see it. As perhaps it has no course, no aim, no final destination to lay its head.
Would you understand?

I was once brought into a dream. Where people wearing brightly cast clothing crowded inside this building across the way. So I, wearing something not quite comparing with them wanted to see and followed them into this huge building. This building that happened to be a massive church, or that's what I thought it was, but it was more like a theater auditorium like setting. People in the bright colors walked around finding their seats, as others up near the stage were preparing a display of what appeared to be the Jesus' crucifixion. There was a large wooden cross up on the stage and I looked closer and Jesus was on it. But not like the statue ones you really see in big churches, it was Him. And He knew I was looking at Him and He looked back at me and I kinda tensed because I was the one who wasn't supposed to be there. I was the one who didn't fit in, who didn't match and certainly wasn't invited into this place. He jumped down and started walking off the stage and turned up the aisle my way. ....yes, so I was freaking there a bit thinking I'm gonna get slaughtered for being in here! But I couldn't move...(of course not).
He kept coming closer and the people walking on the aisle way parted out of His way and were bowing and just kinda watching silently and me, who still couldn't move saw He was like super close now and I fell on my face. Yeah, like the 'holy shit I'm gonna get in trouble' kinda thing.
I was looking down at the floor, practically kissing it and He stopped in front of me. So yeah, my heart is frantically racing and I remember looking upwards sorta and could see His bloody dirty feet. It was kinda gross, yeah.
But He stood there and I eventually looked up and He was wanting me to stand up and come over next to Him at the back of the theater church place. So I did. He sat in a chair and started talking....I kept thinking that I need to remember what He's saying so I can take it back with me (I guess I knew it was a dream by then, or that I wouldn't be staying or something). Kept trying to hang on every word and memorize what all He was saying.
Everyone in the place who was wearing the bright colors just started gathering around Him and sat on the floor and listened. The people in the theater/church seats were turned around in there seats looking over the backs of their chairs also listening. It was weird.
I will say that I didn't remember a single thing of what He was talking about, but only that after I asked Him what I was supposed to do....I remember only that which He said. He said... "Whatever it is that divides the world between you." ....
Him and answering questions with questions.....why does He do that!!!? It drives me batty.
Anyway....that is the only thing I could remember He said.

So it's been a few years....I guess. And this memory splatters it's face lately and I'm not sure why. Wondering if dividing your own life is really what we are to do. These little answer questions usually aren't so difficult to understand, but somehow when I think I understand it never quite fits. Close though... Just not sure which part to divide...of course the right and wrong, the good and bad, the wheat and tares....the sheep and goats....but no...there's something more. The truth and the lie. And we are still waiting on the rest of the puzzle pieces.
Abundance. And what is this about? I understand what it means, but what now....work to be done, yes....pouring out.....like fire....like purification....but the whole world has grown cold and I am tired of being here.
One little star can't light the world....only the dark space where she's placed.

And I'm shining all alone...where are you brothers and sisters? Still hiding waiting for the end to come? Still mumbling beneath your breath because no one listens...still placing that lie across your face because the light feels like it's burning you from the inside out? It is burning you.....This is the second death.


Funny how writing puts things into perspective especially when you didn't intend to write of such matters....kinda like you yourself aren't the one writing it, but somehow it comes out that way....and you reread it and go 'wtf, that totally makes sense! I didn't think of it that way!' ...because I'm not sure I'm always the one writing anymore.
And I think when we divide ourselves apart...where we dispose of what is lie and we get rid of the what does not belong...and we embrace the part of us that has never forgotten....we find ourselves having come far past where the veil ends....and we find ourselves among the stars. And somehow this life here on earth no longer seems like 'life'. Just a dream caught in the ocean...the reflection of His light that emits from ourselves.....if only we would let it.
Open up....



I can't be here all day....so let us humor this so called life down here on earth where flesh mingles with insanity and chaos.....
I sent out like 7 packages today...still have a few more fairies to sew up and then to tackle a circus set that needs finished Friday. I would like to say that I will get this done, but my productivity levels come and go and that idea of 'I think I can, I think I can' is a load of bull. I can think I can and say I will all damn day but I guarantee you that the only way it will ever get done is if I do it!
Which I will, lol.
Positive thinking is a lie! Only action gets things done.....so I am gonna go to sleep, so tomorrow I can try again. Later bunnies of pumpkin pie.

A friend...and a christmas tree

Last night I had so many things to write about, but I talked myself into staying in bed and not getting up to write on a stupid blog that no one reads anyway. I think by now I have forgotten a few of those things I should have written about....but you're in luck. I remember 2 (and they are the most important anyway), but I also think I have another to include as well....so if this seems long to you, I guess you'll get over it.


I have this very good friend. The kind that simply turns rather difficult frustrating things into simple, 'oh duh!' things instead. This is why they are a very good friend.
So there was this moment I was having....where you're standing in this dark place....(I use metaphors ALOT! So if you don't get it, I guess you won't get it.) A place where you are screaming like a tired and cranky and spoiled 9 year old....to where you know what you want, exactly what you want and you won't accept anything else because it is not what you know you are looking for. A place where you are angry and frustrated and just want to strangle the air between what you want and yourself....yes strangle the air to remove it. Strangle the air, strangle the body and literately put to death everything that is standing in the void. Where you know exactly what you are here to seek and then being swarmed by thousands of things that you know are not that which you came to see. Knowing who you came to see...and this air is in the way...this body, that body, the air....all these lies....this veil.
And I ramble on in a fit because I continue to forget that who I came to see isn't anywhere out there....anywhere out there.....
So this friend of mine, smacks me in the head.... "What are you doing?" ...with this serious gaze of 'hello cuckoo bird'. And I look over and complain about how you can't strangle the air or destroy this void...
"Why are you looking out there?" Confused look as he glances 'that' way....
"Oh." ...duh...what am I looking at over there, that way, up there, somewhere out there, thatta way..... and I remember once again....thank you friend.
So I revert back to something less tantrum inducing and more understandable and simple and find who I'm looking for....standing there all quiet like...as He is most of the time anyway....
Did He say saomething? I can't remember...but He knelt down and brought His forehead to mine and I think we 'went' somewhere...I can't explain that, I have no clue, I don't remember. Damn amnesia.

Yeah, so those were the 2 things in one....not explaining, so if you read and are going 'huh??' then you are just out of luck.
I noticed today that my neighbor's address numbers are 911....and no, I don't think that has anything to do with anything. Just stating a random 'oh' moment.

We went trick-or-treating with the kids too.....Yes we trick-or-treat and wear costumes...well I didn't this year...but most of the time I do. And I don't care if some of you out there think it's of the devil 'hissss', lol. If you feel like educating yourself before thinking everything outside of your box (prison) please go to google and look up Halloween....ugh. I will not educated idiots....as I prefer to lean on the side of ...Let those who are stupid, continue to be stupid. Anyway, I asked the boss man before and we are cool thank you. You don't have to though, no big deal, I don't care. good for you.
Of course I do enjoy a nit pick fight about Christmas now and then. I can't stand it, but I will buy random stuff when it is on sale, cause it is on sale! And I will wrap stuff up and give it away, cause its fun cleaning up the mess, and even though I do not own a big green tree, I do have some small neon colored ones, and a black one too, lol. I'm not pagan though, they're just freaking plastic look like really bad colored trees. Jesus wasn't born in December anyway....educate yourselves....Christmas was a coverup so the pagans could keep their winter solstice party and wouldn't get beheaded by the crusades....among other things. Santa Claus is just stupid. St. Nicholas was a person, and no reindeer do not fly, but if you are flying overhead in a helicopter they look like they aren't touching the snow while running :)
The tooth fairy is only real when you loose a tooth and get money...and the Halloween fairy is real, because my kids cannot keep and eat all that candy on their own, lol....gosh people get a life, live it. Let people do things the way they want to. So long as they aren't hurting someone else, shut up. If they don't want to do it your way, great! Kids won't grow up to be savages.....unless of course you don't parent them and rely on their peers to raise them....but that's another story in itself, lol.


Oh dang...I remember another thing...
There was this big huge gate (like a castle gate)...it was reddish in color and raising up slowly, and these big huge bugs came out of it, but they had faces...kinda like alien faces with big eyes, but had noses and mouths...I'm not sure if they were riding these huge grasshopper things or they were the grasshopper things??? I was standing at the gate as it lifted and these things started coming out, a few of them stopped to look at me but continued on. I tried to see more...but as of right now I can't rememeber all of it...argh!
BUT I think that whole idea about the first being last and the last being first had something to do with the gate....and the way people actively seek certain things and others only take into account what comes their way....kwim? Whether you put things on hold to do other things or actively embrace them now defines how long it will be when you are allowed in??maybe? idk.

My hands are freezing! It's cold down here. Gotta go.

Chocolate....why does all chocolate candy have milk in it?? :( WHY!? AHHHH!!!

How come my 'yay' 's are all underlined in red?

Some people just need slapped.
Mainly those who appear to be legit people, but you find them truthfully to be rather rude and indigent....or whatever that word is...
Those type people slowly cause me to turn into a very unfriendly and very unaccommodating person. I guess this is a sign to sear my way in the direction I need to go and not hesitate to set fire to those whom can't handle the heat.
Let them burn.
Last thing I'm going to do is miss an opportunity because I was being too nice and understanding with someone else's stupidity.

Whew! That feels better.....what else....
It's freaking cold outside!...and actually kinda chilly in here.... :P ...and no, not just my cold heart, haha.
Trick or treating may not be very fun unless I can come up with something extremely warm to wear! Brrr! Dang, the crap I go through to let the kids get candy I can't even eat...perfect.
I guess I can't compare that to that black dress I made in about 2 hours and spent $$ to buy fabric....all for a 15 minute photoshoot... Lol.... see where my priorities lie.... sorry but my wonderful Nikon was needing some time out of it's bag.
My long lost books are still lost, but lulu.com was kind enough to resend out my order for free, and they will get here Wednesday..which is a problem because piano class was rescheduled to Wednesday and guess who won't be home....argh....and Fed Ex needs you to be home...and I was only waiting 45 days so far for these books and I definitely do not want to miss them!!!! Maybe reschedule the piano.... for the sake of my books?? Since I can't start on Book 3 until I'm sure Book 2 isn't messed up.....hrmmm

Hubby fixed the dryer...at least temporarily, yay! Painted the boy's dresser...yay! Successfully accomplished school work for over a week without disruption...yay! It actually does go a lot smoother when you no longer keep a track record! Yay!
And I bought lots of seal-able canisters at hobby lobby last week....and in a few days, they will be filled with deliciousness! Like cookie stuff and muffin stuff and all that stuff that makes you excited that it's already pre mixed and it won't take near as long to prep and bake! Yay!
Of course though...this may make me fat....
Did you see the moon.....quite awesome this night I would say.
I would say if I had someone to say it to anyway....I'm so bored and lonely....and I should be working or at least preparing stuff to work tomorrow, which I had better freaking do or I'm going to slap myself. At least the applique work anyway gosh! I'm such a slacker, lol. I don't have time to do that crap right now.....well, maybe I do have time, but not time I'm willing to give. I may need to hire people again....this job sucks, haha.

I probably have more to say...but my hands are freezing, so I will wait until tomorrow when I can turn the heater on super high without getting ugly looks from the hubs.
Be good....be at peace...and know that your redemption draweth nigh.

lol.....did you know that 11-6 upside down makes... 9-11... and it's election day...and Saturn is born out of Virgo.... something to think about...or research if you are having fun with the end of the world stuff and rapture and antichrist stuff.... No bad dreams lately though...unless you count the fact that last night I dreamt I had 2 of the same kid and one I found in a trash compacter??!!....whatever!

Later peeps!

It is kinda dry out....

Want to hear some irony.....I bet you do.
So yesterday was laundry day (not that everyday can't be laundry day, but I have maybe 6 loads that needed washed/dried, so it was important for it to be such.
So the first two loads went as well as could be considering my dryer takes 1 hour and 30 minutes to actually dry a whole load.
Then the next load was in and the dryer was turned on and the thing would heat up just fine, but wouldn't turn....hmmm.
So I pushed it and it worked...for that load.
This got worse on the fourth load, and by the fifth, it wouldn't turn at all unless it was just a few tees/socks/lightweight stuff in it. Might as well forget it if you want to put jeans in there.
So, hubby needs to fix it today or there will be trouble.
I would happily go buy a new set....those fancy kinda that wash and dry a whole load in less than 30 minutes.....but alas....I can't until the new refrigerator is paid off.
So my day was fun. We did school, which I'm not sure, but math teaching sucks when you taught it 50,000 times and still the child forgets over and over.....argh.
My dishwasher is in. I had one before, but I liked my other one from the old house...and I have it here now! yay!
Other than that, yesterday was kinda blah...except for dinner, that was good.

Today.....I need to sew those things I should have done Monday or Tuesday....
Which I will.....but I need to go pick up a zipper from Hobby Lobby.
I have to meet to drop off an outfit and cd too. School too of course...and try to get that math to click in this child's head....something. Maybe work on that art board I really want done too.

So something important....to...write...about......
I'm not sure I have something. hmmm.
No new freaky dreams or coincidences. No mysterious happenings. No incredible awesome moments to share. No end of the world fluctuations. No gripes or complaints. No kudos or congrats either.....Well, maybe one gripe....I want to go take pictures and haven't yet. Too much 'other' stuff getting in the way. Yes, I know, no excuses. I guess I need the opportunity to go out and do it, or at least an opening from under this load of real work I need to do.

Well...I guess I'm boring today. Off to get the day whacked with accomplishment. Hopefully have something worthwhile to talk about later...something good and worthwhile, lol. :)

Capstones.....tumbling down

Well, I'm back. Today is in fact laundry day and the kids are currently doing their math work. Today is also sunny and warm, but I have yet to find an escape to go outside. Perhaps soon though.
I'm a bit discouraged today, because even though I would love to go do something, it just isn't working out very well. I'm about ready to throw it away and move on. I have until Monday.
I have 2 sets that must be finished tonight. And I again hate sewing.
I'm on the hunt for some money too, but it is being reclusive, lol.
I feel there's some introspection on the horizon too...a little bit of cleaning to be made, like spring cleaning, but more of a fall cleansing, the letting go of the old and worn and the time to prepare and bunker down for the winter. Steadfast, faithful.

I'm debating....I don't think any amount of work or labor, or good deed that could be done is worth it. Maybe for that huge black bug thing that I rescued and released last night, or those lady bugs I help find their way outside, or that dog that I let eat my dogs' outside this morning.....but for people....no. It's almost like helping the enemy. It backfires, or tends to leave a filthy residue on your thoughts. Perhaps there's the few times a 'thank you' reaches your ears, but there are far more silent moments that leave you wondering if any amount of effort on your part was even recognized at all. If that 6 hours was worth it, if that $35 in gas mattered, if the careful planning and scheduling was even considered.
We should fight the good fight anyway and do it anyway, even if it's just out of spite...yes we should. But I no longer want to. I'm falling into the abyss...that deep dark place. Cold. Echoes booming. Falling.

And I have been swallowed whole by something that is rather trivial. Something unworthy to speak of, but I'm lost as to why it bothers me so much. Why do such small things cause drowning tsunamis on the inside. Why?
To say it upsets me is not true. It more or less pries it's way down to the core and shakes things out of place and causes havoc to my calm. Ravaging my sense of belonging. Reminding me that this world, the belonging to this world, the being a part of this world, is false. Reminding me that I will be cast out.....and somehow making me give thanks for things such as this.

One side fights to be nothing, no one, lost, dead. The other fights for being everything, someone, found, alive. I hate this battle. We are the losers either way. The bearers of the war. Feeling it rip us apart and cast us asunder. Watching it toss us to and fro and see how it makes us stumble. Like watching yourself die, but you can't do anything about it. Even if you want to bring in the boss man....He can't just change the channel while you are still stuck in the tv. Though you are still waiting for Him to turn it all off and take you out of tv land altogether.
No superheros here....

So enough rambling about stupid things. Therefore I'll leave you with the impression that I want to tell you how fragile I am while still holding out hope that more than 5 people in this current world make me smile.....but also remind you that it doesn't matter....even if I'm sad if I don't get to see them. That it doesn't matter if I'm cast out...or turned away, or forgotten about, or left behind, or scoffed at, or avoided, or shunned, or replaced, or ignored..... I accept that....and I'll be at peace knowing where I'll be standing at the end...and it won't be with them.


Must go write on deviant art right now....must go.

wow...super short, haha

Monday night. The last 4 days have been something more than turbulent. Tomorrow is sure to hold more of the same, but perhaps (at least hoping) not so strenuous. Laundry...yeah, I can handle that. Schoolwork, sure. Sewing work.....let's just really try to get those 2 sets finished. Everything else besides dinner will have to be placed on hold.
Well, unless something really awesome shows up that steals my focus. Yeah, that would be ok I guess.
I'm sure there is more that needs to be added to tomorrow's to-do list. But for some reason I find that actually making the to-do list only keeps you from forgetting what needs done, but doesn't actually help in the accomplishment of such matters. Too bad.

I thought I was going to write about something cool tonight, but I just realized it is later than I thought and I would much rather go to sleep. So I'll try this again tomorrow, lol.....if I can find the time anyway.

See ya! :P

I fee like laughing like Gru from the despicables....

The water is pouring pouring raging pouring out. Waterfall gushing and thundering.
Are we ready? It is time.

I'm not sure why I'm here, but here is where I find myself. Though quickly, as work has to begin on this day.
Do you feel it? Can you see it? The flashing lightning that darts across the skies and the power that ripples through and within the lands. Do you feel it!? Something is happening and it is not like anything that has happened before. Stand ready, the work must begin!

Today....I must do schoolwork with the kiddos. Today I must sew and finish this outfit before my head sets down on the pillow. Today....there is no other time that has been given. Tomorrow is for tomorrow's work.
Thursday is Lowe's day. Friday is 'fix the roof at old house' day. Saturday is yardsale day. Sunday is 'you better have that roof done day'. Monday is..... 'holy crap you should have finished this Thursday' day.
But I'm not complaining...I'm rather feeling a whole heck of a lot blessed. And I hope you are too.
If not, may I suggest letting the awesomest person I know that you are struggling and would humbly accept His help to fix it. cause He fixes it rather well.
Anyways....I think maybe I can squeeze in a photoshoot Sunday since I'll probably be up there anyway....hmmm....but that means I need to sew something....argh. Oh well...we'll see how much 'paid for already work' I get done first. :P
I'm outta here!! And I can't wait to see how awesome November and especially December is gonna be!!! :)
Talk to you later jiggly little shake shake moccasins of leather wrapped cherries!

Clocks are ticking.....with only one way out

A bit of a mix today. Bummed, excited, discouraged, joyful....
Makes me wonder why I even bother with the less tasteful thoughts. We never have to, but we always find ways of carrying them with us for a short time, as if we needed them.
I'm pretty sure though...that the thoughts are not what we need, nor the reason we hold onto them. I'm pretty sure that we carry them so that maybe, just maybe, someone will see us with them and they will come save us. Rescue us. Comfort us. Just show some sort of consideration to our hearts. Make us feel something of acceptance or something of being even alive. To remind us that we are valued. We are loved.....in someway.
Holding onto pain in order to lure out the only one who would save you from it.
But maybe that person will never come.....


So there's this thing that would be really crazy to attempt...again, not fully my idea...but it looks to me that it will falter and it will die....at least right now anyway. One side says that it'll be fine and will work out because it has to, don't worry. The other side says it's stupid and no one but you will help anyway, because no one else cares, and even if they did, they wouldn't do anything but say they care, and yet do nothing.....just like always.
You'd think I would have the energy to put those harsh accusations to rest, even if they are true, and feed energy into making it all possible......but I have no energy to give. It also is not my idea....so therefore the boss man would need to give His energy into it, because mine is again failing....like always.
So I can either chill out and let stupid uncaring people stay that way, which I will, and let the boss man handle it. Or I can just say forget it...oh wait....I can't do that....because I accepted it....and well....it has to work out now...hmmm
Nevermind on that topic.

Dang....I'm kinda bummed I don't have any youtube videos to watch. Even if it's crazy people that talk about crazy subjects, lol. No one here in real life to chat with about end of the world scenarios, or rapture shenanigans, lol. Gets kinda boring with nothing interesting to discuss, lol.

Sewed today. Sewed a whole outfit actually, but still need to decorate it with the appliques...joy... :P
But you see where I'm at now, don't you, lol. Working.
I should go sew up a dress for this photoshoot that I could so do tomorrow if I got it done in time.....but ugh....I'm still full from dinner and really don't want to just yet.
Or I could print out all the designs I need for that outfit.
But no, I';m writing about nothing no one cares about anyway. And I'm still trying to keep my mind off of the fact that the one person I really want to see isn't here. And I do this everyday. Everyday. Except those days when I get to see the other person I really love to see and I get freaked out enough to not feel all longing and such. I'm such a sap.


Let's talk about something interesting...like end of the world scenarios and rapture stuff!! Yay! Cause I can't actually talk about in real life as I don't know anyone who finds interest in such matters.....hmmm. Well, I do :P so I'll talk about it here where no one else much cares either, lol. But I find it rather fun to talk to myself sometimes, I get to solve my own issues eventually, haha!

Did you know that this Tuesday (October 16th) the sign in Revelation 12 actually happens. It does, and if you had Stellarium, you could go see for yourself. Just thought that was interesting to share. And The other morning....the sun was shining through the blinds on the wall and made pictures of what looked like the Clock tower in London. Big Ben I think it's called.....I though it was cool, because the light looked red/orange and it reminded me of my dream with the buildings on fire in Great Britain....and these clock towers looked glowing in fire....it was weird. Anyway the actual clock on these towers had the hands pointing to the 10 and somewhere between the 3 and 4ish area. Not sure which was the hour/minute hands, but it looked like either 10:16/17/18 or for the other way, maybe 3:50 .... No coincidence that 10/16 is the sign in the heavens....and the clock could have meant 10:16, nor the fact that it was Big Ben which is also in Great Britain...which just so happened to burn in my last messed up dream....the one with Keanu Reeves in it, lol. The had the paper that read something about 'A Groom man...10........100 yrs.'
Hopeful thinking that it could mean a wedding, which would be awesome and all....or war which would not be awesome.

And I think this stupid election needs to hurry up, I'm getting bored with it as well. All these clowns need to go on already, we all know it is fixed and they do all this hoopla for your entertainment and make you sheeple believe you are watching something unfold, when they already have had it planned out for quite a long while. Wake up already...it's all rehearsed. All of it.
The crazy youtube people say our current prez is the antichrist, but of course so was the last one too, wasn't he, lol. And I bet the next one will be as well, of course....though I doubt we will have a next one. It'll be the same one most likely, my opinion. And the end of the world will come, so there won't be another. We hope.

Lol, I got to go....someone is whispering in my ear. :) Later lovelies! Be at peace....and although the tower may fall, the dust cannot shake the earth beneath your feet, nor the steadfast beating within your heart......

The fuse is lit.....

This couldn't wait.....

There's a war brewing. Cannons are lit and powder is packed, projectiles aimed deadly straight.

How can people be so inconsiderate and how can I feel sorry for them. How can they be fashionable late while they are wearing blood stained garments.
Am I supposed to feel compassion? Do I really have to pretend I understand? Do I have to lie to myself and pretend I believe that they gave it their all and even though a small lie may or may not be in the picture, that they are still good people?
Good people??? It's trivial really...the little things, not seriously important, but the same little things that define the greater outcome. The same little things that determine the rise and fall of hope, trust, faith, and consideration. Do people not even consider anything beyond themselves?
Thank God we do not have to rely on our own goodness. We all would burn. And certainly whether premeditated or not, our failures will bleed through any garments we wear if we can't even all out strive for being the best of His.
Being His.....where are we? Lost among the sleeping goats or the blind and broken sheep that are tied up in the slaughterhouse. Where are we???!!! And do any of us need to commune with goats or blood bathing sheep in order to do our work? I'd rather push them off the cliff while they're sleeping or shut the door to the slaughterhouse, because I find it difficult to 'want to' rescue them when they are wallowing in filth for fun, or snicker at goodness, or yes even sometimes make jest of Him.
Who is it we are supposed to be fighting against?
Is it the demons inside ourselves, or the demons inside others?

I used to feel sorry for them. Sorry that they couldn't know something that very few of us do. Used to want to help. Used to care and hope that oneday they might open their eyes. Used to try to set a good example so maybe, just maybe they would see something you can't see anywhere else.....
But today....after another episode of inconsideration that I was witness of....
.....Today, they are our enemies. As it will be until the battle has been won.
I will not feel sorry for them. They had their chance to walk through the gate. A gate that is still open...but closing quickly. Closing quickly....
I will not lie to myself believing these people have their whole lives to see, to change, to repair, to mend, to work it out and find their way. They are already dead. Dead. Do not cry for the dead.
And this thing called love....steadfast, enduring, everlasting.....it is Him that I love and His people.....not those who harm them. Not those who step over them. Not those who scoff and pretend it's all a fable.
If they could have been there.....among the garden, if they could remember...if they could have been lifted up into His arms, if they could have seen Him, heard Him, spoke with Him...if they could just listen, look, even give it a thought....they wouldn't have ever missed the treasure....and they wouldn't be lost in their own dark fairy tale, they'd be awake with us in the real world where even though the beasts roam wild....He walks beside us.