I can't seem to find it.
That moment when you step away from the reactive pull towards idleness. I think I'm trapped.
I would do anything other than the one thing I should be doing....
Not that I don't want to do it...just that I can't find a reason to begin....
Once started it is quite easy to complete....but why is it so difficult to take that first step towards starting in the first place? I could even lie to myself and say I'll only do this one simple thing and not the rest....but I won't even do that....
I hate these times.
It's almost like the other times when I want to do 'this' thing, but won't, because of 'something'.
It's a freaking curse I tell you!
And on top of that I'm drowning in this hysteria of non decision making that is totally not working out very well. I feel like a freaking flip flopper! Argh! A double-minded idiot who just can't make up my mind...or to better describe, I just can't find the 100% mark to where I'm 100% sure. Lost in the fog, if you'd like.
Problem is I know how to fix this.... and I have yet to even handle that one simple action.
There's this burning desire to just fire up the rage inside and prove that it is just me getting in my own way. Prove that it can be done simply, perfectly, quickly, and without turmoil. But I feel myself just watching myself instead of being able to direct myself.... get that?
And there's this other thing lingering on my thoughts. Which I also know how to fix....but I can't find myself to make myself do it....hmmmm.
I will be away for awhile. And you may not find me.
I will be away for awhile. And you may not recognize me when I return.
I may be away for awhile. And fire will be pouring out, blazing raging furious lightning.....
We are alone. Each one of us. Each star, all alone.
There are other stars, true....many in fact....their light dazzling the skies every so often....then forgotten. Do we even know which one sent that light to us? We don't even know their names....only recognizing the light...but not the star...
A star all alone.
Do they all feel that way?
And I'm not talking about literal stars...not literal light... I'm talking about people...I'm talking about the beautiful gifts that come from them. The gift of the light...that part of us that is a part of Him.
Like you hear a song that grabs hold of you...that light. A picture that holds your eyes locked tightly to it....that light. A thought that carves deep to your soul...that light. It doesn't matter which star brought those perfect moments to you...it doesn't matter...the only thing you needed was that light.....that piece that holds Him somewhere within it.
Do you understand? Please understand.
I won't go there.....there where the others often lead. I won't go there....as I often think they hinder more than help. Here you will not find sweet milk and tummy rubs full of giggles. Here, there will be no remembrances of how this or that happened and it's happening to you now, oohs and ahhs....No. There will be not a single moment where you'll be pampered and felt sorry for. No, you will not be tread upon lightly....if you feel tread upon at all. There will be no mercy....no holding the baby's hand. No reassurances and baby steps, no 'it'll be okay''s, no whining toddler talk about how you must do this or that.... the milk has run dry...and it is a sad sad world in which others still give the bottle of lies to the infants who have never stood strong. Infants who couldn't recognize the light if it fell upon their lap. Infants and toddlers who can't hear His voice. ......The milk has run dry.... and you will starve unless you stand and chew the meat.
Can you not feel a thing?! Can no one feel a thing?! Does not your spirit feel this mighty quake?! Trembling trembling..... This great earthquake....this fire....???!!!
Where have you placed your soul my friends? Have you lost it? I won't be here much longer, I can't pull you out. I can't wake you up. I can't scream, I can't grab hold of you if you are not here. I can't come back for you either.
Please wake up.
Want to hear a story.... I may have posted this one before, but I really love it, so I'm going to post it again.
We were standing upon what looked like the salt flats that are out west.
A blazing sky of orange and red that told of a new sunrise that was just about to sprout in the distance.
Where have these colors been? They looked new, young, vibrant, and alive.
He took my hand and we began to dance. We danced...
He was wearing a suit. Nice, fitted, pristine... My dress was flowing, white, smooth, silent even as we danced.
We twirled on top of the white sands. The sky still blazing orange and red. A small streak of yellow cut forth upward from where the sun was rising...Was it rising in the west??
"Give me all of you, and I will give you all of me." He stated as we moved within each others arms.
I stopped and looked at him...his eyes.
"But you are...everything." I said quietly. Because he was, and I was nothing. I didn't think it was a fair trade....he would get the worse end of the deal.
He slowed and gazed within me. "And what are you to me?"
Was I everything too? Everything to Him.
How little we realize.....
How much we forget.....
If you would like to read more of that stuff and those type stories....my deviantart journal is here....
Goodnight. Wherever the road leads...be sure to look into the forest for those whom are lost. No fun driving alone.
BTW.... Alle Dagen Heel Druk (adhd) means 'very busy every day' ;)
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