This is one of those times. One of those perplexing, scary, courage inducing moments when you are on the edge of the cliff and you want to leap off. Want to.
Not the normal need to, or have to, or should, could, would.....but the will. So much will to that even backing up to get a running start is much too long of a delay.
I explain this situation to be something like a child growing up...first the smooth easy milk, then the soft mushable foods, then more thicker foods of mashed potatoes and gravy, a little bit of spiciness to flavor your soul....some ground beef and some lasagna...and all those foods that are tasty and good...
But then there comes a time when it's fruit you want...a crisp apple...hard to bite into sometimes...sometimes hard to chew...but if you buy apples at Greenlife, you know that it tastes like an apple from heaven. (So much so to convince you never to buy apples other than 100% natural, non-gmo, organic...perfection!) There's no going back.
No going back, just like there's no going back to that mush of food you used to eat....because it is no longer filling for the work you are doing. The work you are preparing for. You need the meat, the spice.....the fruit.
And I am here. On this cliff and I am not going back....but forward.
And there was this time when there's Him up there...then Him over there...even Him right in front of your face.....and I find this at this time all farce. There's more....and I have yet to hold it in my hands....
I will not play this childish game any longer. He will not be there...not even in front of my face...No. I hear myself scream on the inside because I know there's more and I know He's more than what this unstable mind can understand...and I will thrust myself off this cliff in order to have Him fully...more fully. No fear. I will lose all to hold Him.....
There's so much more to say, so freaking much. I'm a bit annoyed by people complaining about how Black Friday shopping is silly. I went. I actually went out Thursday night as well as Friday and stood in line for a pretty long time in 2 different stores. (inside and outside!) People were nice, people were calm and pretty relaxed...I didn't see an issue. I got some great deals...and no, not that $10 savings some people lie to themselves about so they won't brave the crowds.....I'm talking 70% off some items.
I didn't buy a flat screen tv or something like a camera lens...(which would be awesome if Nikon ever put anything they make on sale) but they don't because they don't have to...But I made out with $500 worth of goods for less than $200. I bought my kids a few presents...I bought myself and family some clothes cause we needed some....(ok, so I probably don't, but I like clothes, lol) I bought presents for 2 kids whom I never met. Awesome ones at that, not some el cheapo dollar store plastic shit. But paying that el cheap price! :). Dishes for my kitchen! But I should have gotten 2 sets, because they are no longer on sale and they are $99!! I got them for $35, haha! And I have Kohl's cash to use on whatever sometimes next week...free money...sort of, lol.
I also bought the gerbil a new running ball. Yes, the gerbil. I got some dinky stupid stuff too, because we aren't doing the regular Christmas stuff like everyone else does.
We are doing the 4 weeks of christmas which include getting/giving presents one day each week until actual christmas day..... (and if you don't like that I type christmas with small letters sometimes, I don't care. You are uneducated if you think Jesus was actually born in December anyway...and even stupider to think His birth has anything to do with anything. It's His LIFE that ****ing matters! Get your priorities straight!)
I actually don't like christmas, I don't like setting up big green trees, and actually only let the kids put up the neon colored happy trees for festivity sake. I despise with a passion stockings, stupid!!!! I dislike the idea of what they did with Santa Claus...what a joke! I don't like how parents use santa claus as a reason to be good or make up some other lie so they don't have to take responsibility for their children. I do however like giving gifts, as I am fond of shopping. I don't care much for getting as much as I used to....as I buy myself stuff occasionally anyway (assuming it is on sale and I have a coupon, lol) anyway, it's just stuff. I prefer gifts like good health and fantastic dreams, or that one certain thing I'm waiting on...but those things come from the boss man....as do all perfect things....like fruit. Crisp filling perfect fruit....and especially that stuff that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that when leaping off cliffs that there is no such thing as falling... ;)
So today, I had to return a few things to the store that didn't fit my perfect child.... and I will tell you that people who shop the day after Black Friday are unfortunately missing out on all the good deals.....absolutely nothing was going for a good price today like yesterday!! $10 jeans I paid for to return were now $22 and that was the sale price....$25 shoes were now $45 and on sale...wtf?! And not to include the people this Saturday who complained and griped more that what I heard all day Thursday evening and Friday combined!
We waited in line at Target for about an hour Thursday night and didn't hear a single gripe!
However today at Kohls to find some jeans that fit my perfect child, this one lady was laying it on thick all over the store! (so the prices weren't that good anymore, but good gosh!) I felt sorry for the poor kid with her that was having to listen to it, because it was getting on my nerves.
So anyway....besides my great shopping trip and daring future in cliff diving with Mr. OMG, INCREDIBLE....I have to sew tomorrow. And get packages packed and prepped for shipping. And who knows what else.
I need someone to come clean my oven too...so if you are not doing anything important, please stop by and bring an S.O.S. pad. I will feed you dairy free chocolate chip cookies.
I found this today....
It sorta sounds like how some people are waiting for god to come back.....always waiting.
One of the youtube people I watch had a bit of a freak out the other day....and is like super sure the boss man will be coming soon....maybe yeah...always maybe...but will it really be like everyone thinks? I'm not so sure. Yeah, always on the side of the fairy tale....always on the side of the dreamer and the joyful hope....but....
...there's work that needs done. There's a disease of loneliness, and hopelessness, and laziness, and a horde of unending lies that has this world turned into a swamp of filth.....
You want taken out? You want to be rescued and relieved from the job? You want to give up because it's just too hard, too difficult, just too many problems.....are you not strong enough to conquer this hate? Not strong enough to snuff out this evil?
Of course you're not....silly star....but He is....and if you get taken out you silly star.....you will leave the world in darkness. Have you no thought of those who will stumble? What about your job? Did you not tell the boss man to hire you and give you a job? You want to quit? Are you going back on your word? He has never gone back on His.....
Silly star.....He is your light....let Him shine. Screw the rest.
*sigh
Maybe...yeah, always maybe.
there was a song on the radio today... this one.....
U2's Sunday, Bloody Sunday
the part where they sing..."How long...how long how long must we sing this song?"
How long must we sing this song indeed? Of course we want to go home....but there's so much work to do....so much that needs fixed and set right, so much needing repaired...transmuted from hate to joy....
I just realized this song is really insightful....the lyrics...Sunday, Bloody Sunday....the irony.
Can you withstand the fire friends? Can you bear the cross? Him? Never give up friends. He will give you strength....and He will raise you up higher if you can just take that leap....
What is the leap, so you ask? (lol, can you tell I feel like writing today?) let us explore my thoughts this day....
This leap is often referred to as the letting go of everything you think you think and refusing it. Pushing it all away with force and only allowing the pure uncluttered truth to be allowed back in.
No more forgetting or re-remebering who He is.
Forcefully refusing your ideas and thoughts of who He is, what He is, and everything relating to such. Screaming on the inside because you know He's more than your thoughts and ideas. You know this because you once were held in His arms and saw His burning eyes, and heard His sweet voice, and every time He answered you it was a question to get you to answer yourself...and you know Him and who He is and knowing that He is not up there or over there and no He is not supposed to be right in front of your face or that belief of being in your heart bullshit....because you know Him and He is....
He is.....and He is the I. the I AM....
You can't see that part until you let go of every notion and thought you built before it. There is NO Him and Me, or Me and Him, NO NO NO NO NO!@!@! Not any freaking more, because I am not playing this childish game. I am not willing to spend another night with the thought of Him and Me or Me and Him....NO! Not even US, NOT EVEN US or OUR...NONONONONONONONONO!!!! It can only be I AM...I
I AM NOT PLAYING THIS GAME ANY LONGER.
Have you ever listened to Adrian Rodgers? He used to start some of his sayings with the word "Friends." and go on to tell you whatever he was talking about.....and I still here his voice when I think of saying something and saying friends in the beginning, lol.
I'm a nut, I know.
Anyway.....friends.....we are being taken away....but I don't think it's going to be what you think....
I told you....I'm not playing this game anymore....time is up....and we won't be the same all the time....not all dirt can be cleaned with a swiffer and broom....sometimes we need Mr. Clean too....
"Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Clean is stronger longer 'cause there's ultra power in it."....have you ever heard that commercial? It's from the early nineties I believe, lol....I wonder if I remembered it for this purpose only....
He's come to clean house......I pray you find yourself spotless.
I wonder if He would come clean my oven??
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