Power off

Spamware...pop-ups....random programs that make your life full of chaotic frustration. Close one only for another to pop up. Most of them are random games that you've never heard of before.
Happy, colorful, musical, something along the line between fun and annoying....
but they are no where near fun when they cause strife.
annoying...indeed. especially when you have work to do.

running your malware program is supposed to work, right?
yeah.... but sometimes you have to do a whole reboot.
sometimes you have to do a memory dump.
sometimes you have to uninstall programs and update to the new versions.
or we can just turn off the computer.

.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
most unsettling dreams that synchronize with awareness cause one to be jolted awake
.....
.....
.....
I will uninstall all these programs
I will do a memory dump too
I will make sure to reboot
The computer will only turn on when I allow it to.
.....
g'day

mutiny....that sets the tower on fire....and the ocean ablaze....we all will burn

these things have been rapt asunder.
it's a frightful thing to see things pull apart....though I'm not the one who's afraid.
like a high pitched voice that can't be heard by the ears of the base drum.
like the vibrations of atoms that can't be felt by those left behind.
hurry up.
catch up.
come with us....come with me.

i can hear them.
it's like a screaming and only the heroes can hear.
you were my hero....once upon a time.
buffered...you are dampening the rhythms.
too afraid to let them touch you.
too afraid.
take my hand.
i can show you how to walk.

you can't put out a star....for she is fire.
you can't drown her....she has been the sea.
you can't cover her....she'll burn right through your shield.
you can't even hide our face....for she sees more than you or i could ever imagine.

how much longer till the channel changes.
how much longer do we have until we can't find each other.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------






















so.... I'm tossing things in the garbage like company's coming over.
subconsciously making room for something....something.

this is all a game and I'm no longer playing.
this is a game....and I can see them behind the glass
they know i know....at least that i know something more than i used to.

fuck this shit.
fuck all this shit.
time to burn it down.

Hello, from the other side.....

want to hear something...?
these vibrations are beautiful and this is where I live and why i'm no longer a part of you.


So ....
there's this thing when you split yourself into two separate entities...and you can look upon yourself...
in two different ways...
there's the part of you that dances in the light...and you are spirit....and you are free...and you are.
there's the part that stands in the dark...and you are earth..you are flesh...and you are pain.

and the light smiles and sits with the boss man and her very good friend....and they discuss the dark side...
what does she need?
how can we help her...

and the dark is firm...and kneels by the boss man and clings to her very good friend...and they discuss the light side...
what does she need?
how can we help her...

the dark shivers, but she wants the light to be loved...to be safe.....
she needs a home.... she needs to be safe...
let's keep her safe... let's make sure she can be all that she is....
this is what the dark side says as they look upon the light side who lies coloring on the floor....

the light tilts her head, she wants the dark side to be calm...to be loved...to be safe.....
she needs to be seen....she needs someone to be willing to challenge her walls.
I'll give them wings...to fly over them....says the boss man.
I'll give them fire... to burn them down, the light side says.
We should give her me. The very good friend says....
Light side stares at him....both sides want him....
But will I still have you here....here we both have you....
he smiles.... but doesn't speak...
How else can we help her....
Light watches the dark side.... scared and lonely dark side...
Send her a song... so she can remember...
Send her a song....

And it was so....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQHsXMglC9A

bzzzzzzz...zzzzaaaappp! - something is getting fried...

I'm thinking of moving off of blogger...
we are going to move over to facebook instead....
or maybe both....
write here ...post in both... I don't know, I'm hashing ideas right now without making any decision.
You know how that goes.
Or not post at all and just write here.... *sigh.
what a waste of energy.

all these short circuiting ideas...aaaaahhhhh!!!!

mind you that I spent about 5 hours so far playing Freecell....
yes the stupid free card game on the computer.
yes... intentionally
to basically keep my brain from thinking....
to prevent misfires.
to abate the fire storm on the horizon.
I would play Agar.io ...but getting eaten by large dots stresses me out.
Starting a new game on freecell does not.


I wrote out a rough outline of Book 4
I need more fillers....otherwise I'll only end up with 10-15 chapters.
I'm not in the thinking mood right now though.


sigh....
 guess I'll go waste time.
bye!

The crow is a rebel...a renegade...a pioneer.

So ShadowDragon Dreams is on hiatus - woo hoo!
No orders, no pending things I 'have' to do.
No forced sewing.

of course, that goes hand in hand with no money. ha.
oh well.

The Hobo Patch is doing well....meeting my quotas, lol.
of course, doubling my income with it would be better....just saying.
I just started a blog page, but have yet to post the first post....all my pics are on my other computer.
I sell at a shop in Rossville too....going well. Out of all my stuff there I sold about $160 worth in 20 days.
Better than expected, so hoping it stays in the black.

JCMidKnight is sitting at idle.... I know what I want to do..... it's beginning that's hard.

Will probably start Book 4 soon. I have the first sentence ready :)  !!!
I have the gist of it...but missing much of the substance. I should probably reread book 3 so I know where I need to pick up from....you know...all those parts I left hanging.

I have my first dog boarding gig starting tomorrow. His name is Reagan. We are going to be good friends by the time his owner picks him up on Sunday.
We'll try this out for a bit and see how it goes. I like dogs, and I get paid, extra bonus.

What else do I have going on... ??
Driving a teenager around so she can do her stuff. So much for that anti-social homeschooling idea.
The boy is still 11...he likes video games. I'm home free for a while longer with him.
The hubs....ugh. He's in the same place I left him 12 months ago....binge watching idiotic shows on netflix.
Looking for inspiration otherwise..... I'll come up with something probably.

My train of thought has derailed.


Ok....other stuff.

So....we walked....I'm pretty sure we are still walking.
but yeah.....the boss man has a way to make the perilous things, not so.
And a way to make the hopeful things, more so.
He gave me a riddle....
"Only a crow flies against the wind.  Why do you think that is?"
No, not only crows do this, but I'm sure the crow stands for something.
Planes fly against the wind to get lift too...but I have no idea if that's relevant.
I have a suspicion it's a metaphor relating to me.
A metaphor summing up that even though it's harder to get where you're wanting to go...it ends up being faster. Rising higher as you go.
and the crow's a pirate, like me..... arrrrgh!


I've got to get to bed. Mindy coming to meet tomorrow at 1 and Reagan at 4. Yay for dog-sitting!

The Boss, the guide, and a pirate.

 Mirror, Mirror...on the wall.....

I have issues.
So the mirrors....yeah...well, they have melted.
I can't see myself. I have no idea who I am.
I have no clue what I want or what I want to do.
just...great.

He's nearby....but it's seems my focusing abilities have been shot.
I'm more frustrated.
I'm more disheartened.
I'm more alone.
.....they say to have faith.
I've more than had it with 'them'.
He's never told me that. Not even once.

You would think there was someone....

I heard that name a few days ago....
It means to overcome....victorious....to prevail...conquer.
I can't find that name on google...yet there it was.
So what do I do with that....

I thought of things to do....
I thought of ideas and hoped to make plans.
I thought I could take down all the challenges and overtake the obstacles.
I wasn't afraid.
I wasn't unwilling.....
....until today.
I'm not going to make plans....or ponder ideas.
I'm not going to be able to attempt challenges or overtake obstacles.
I am afraid.
I am unwilling.
I don't know what to do.....
Why has it gotten like this? Why must I be barraged with these odd and end sufferings?
They are not even the norm.... Are they?
I've certainly haven't heard of this type of trial.
I'm so fucking broken.
I am weak. and I am unwilling to fight my way out of it.
I'm not going to do anything.
And I will lie here until He tells me what to do.
If the tower burns....if the waves drown us....if the sky falls....if the storm pounds across my face until it bleeds....
I'm going to wait until He tells me to move.
Fuck that other shit of seeing if this or that might work or be worthwhile. Fuck it all.
I'm a fucking PIRATE!


I'm not going to do anything.


.....
I can hear them talking with one another.
The Boss Man and my very good friend....
I know they are in cahoots with each other...but they are talking about me in front of me.
I can't quite hear what they are saying though.
I'm looking at the both.... they always seem so happy....
the boss man keeps a slight smile on his face when he looks my way. It's as if I actually bring him some form of joy. yeah...whatever dude.
My very good friend glances my way too, but he's very good at sticking to his theme of being a supportive and calming guide to me. ...whatever...I know he's thrilled with me no matter what I do.... not sure why I can't think the same thing of the boss man. Logically I know he is too, but there's something blocking that heart wise.
For some reason he won't fix me.
You would also think that they might be disappointed in my rant....or disprove of my choice of words...but they don't speak of it. My very good friend has that look on his face though. He doesn't necessarily condone the way I write emotively. The boss man though....he still smiles....with that twinkle in his eyes...like he doesn't even see all the crap I do. God, I love him.

All this time....and I feel I haven't made any real progress. Whether it be in spiritual terms, or reality terms.
Emotionally maybe....a lot in that sense....but all else seems like it never really changed. What a waste of time I've become.

I glance back over the them.
My very good friend....he'd scold me about thinking that way.
the boss man....he doesn't know time....and looking at him....nothing is a waste to him....nothing, not even me.
"Come." He reaches out his hand. "Let's walk."

 

Fire is..... unpredictable.

So this fire....
it burns stuff....
like yourself.
And it hurts a bit too....
and it's lonely....
and we still don't understand fully, but things have been chaotic and we can't think straight with all these fluctuating flashes of light that move in and out back and forth and we seem to get lost in its dance.
It's warm though....
and full of many colors too....
and this feels like we should be here but we really don't know why or for how long or what is going to become of us.
So we wait....
and we watch....
and we grasp at any tiny fragment of wisdom in hopes of managing to get the bigger picture to where this little heart can behold its greatness.


I've been watching carefully...how these things progress...to see what becomes of them. I take those things I've been given and ponder them often, perhaps too often...and play them again and again over and over until I'm satisfied. I'm not sure if they are lessons on something to learn from or something to let go. Something to attain or something to lose. Something to cherish or something to forget. And these things cause great heartache...maybe because they were intentionally left out of this life and knowing I've beheld them before....
Memories that are not my own....but are. People...my people.... vanished like they never existed....but if not then love could not exist either. Love is beyond time...and can never forget.
Damn it.
How can you burn out what is a part of you....?


And this is all droning out, this day by day charade of aimless wandering....with no fucking clue what the hell any of us are doing.
Fuck.

I'm going to have a silent chat with the boss man. He's beckoning. goodbye.

the once and future king......hmmm....

I want to bust these mirrors.
Cause them to crumble into a trillion pieces....back into the sand they came from.
But I don't hate them.
Just like the steps, I suppose. It's not the mirrors that cause me this confusion....
....it is myself.....and I wallow in the frustration of not understanding.
I see them from time to time....
  ... this looking upon myself.
     ....and I cringe.
I'm trying to understand....
....what are they trying to teach me...?

I glance back up to Him.
He stands silent....watching me...waiting.
What am I supposed to do with these?
But this time the answers seep slowly....and I'm stuck with more unknowing than knowing....
....this is going to take patience, I see.

 - - - - --  -- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - -- - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - -


I recently came to the conclusion that I don't like people....again.
Not that I didn't already know that....but I sometimes fall into the dream of thinking
people are mostly decent and aren't carbon copies of someone else.
That whimsical idea that maybe just this once I can act normal around the vast population
and not ultimately fall into subconsciously thinking people are sleep walking....only to realize
that I'm a bad actress, and people are everything but real.
I know this because I am practically an empath and I just kinda know when someone is reading from
the guide book and going through the motions....and I know when someone isn't. Because then I feel better....free-er. And those dead fake people are killing me...they are killing themselves.
   .......and I have this grand idea that probably isn't a very peaceful one.
It takes anger. It takes rage. It takes fervor. It takes things of grandeur and spirit. It takes FIRE.
....and I laugh a little....as I look into the mirrors................
A hammer can only create more mirrors......but the fire....can dissolve them.....back into which they came.....
... and these times when you write...and you see these connections....and smile....as what else belongs at the top of a tower....of a lighthouse....

The lightkeeper slowly moves her eyes back up to where He stands.
His eyes burning with a thousand colors of fire.....



Peace is overrated.
It is a sword after all.       
         (....ty Jonathon....)


"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." 

 "Take up your cross and follow me."


 - - - - - - -- - - -  - - - - - - - - -  - --  - - --  - - -- - - - -- - - - - -- - - -- - - -




So yeah, besides all that...
and also not including my other someother dimensional life...
I've been sewing.... 3 orders left, but I'm not rushed.....I don't think...
I've been selling fabric.... doing good. Hoping to keep up the momentum.
Probably not getting enough sleep.... been getting up early for stuff and I always stay up late...
Still have a busy week ahead, but possibly the last hectic one for awhile...we'll see.
I still have tons of stuff to do, and I'm simplifying some plans.
Of course, I still need to plan other things...ack...
...and I'm rerouting a few others.... (I'm totally flexible...eh!)
I feel like a chauffeur lately.....and now I know why the driving age is 16....it's the youngest they could legally figure to hurry up the process of not having to drive your kids around everywhere they needed or wanted to go....oy vey!
Been playing agar.io lately too...and I'm getting good at it, unless I team up with someone who doesn't know what they are doing.....but kinda feel bad if I mess something up and they lose too, lol.
There's a about 10 thousand more things going on. whatever. I tired.

"Why are you trembling?"

There are mirrors surrounding me. I'm not sure what exactly they are for, but I know I could just ask to get the answer...maybe my delay is that I don't want to hear the answer just yet.
Ultraviolet.
The light you can't see, but is imperative for life.
The invisible light that boarders between xrays and the rainbow of visual lights.
Ultraviolet.
What do I do with this?
The mirrors face me and I see myself looking back.

What are you looking for, little star?
High upon the tower, with views of the sea, of the mountains, of the waves, and of the heavens.
You can't find what you don't carry with you....
....but you carry it all....don't you.

----------------------------------------

So there's this thing he said that keeps reverberating....
"Do you think I made a mistake?" He asks.

   oh yes, always asking questions to my questions....but answering them too.
and we won't play their games.
We won't take sides and divide ourselves like them....like you.
We won't tell you that there is light you can't see....
   ...it may look dark to you...but no....the light just vibrates at a higher frequency.
maybe a lower one. Neither matters.
All is light....even in the dark.
    like how on a snowy night, it seems to glow, even if the moon is nowhere to be found....
....do you really think the snow glows?....
You can choose sides if you will. It's okay.
I'll take them all.
You can see the darkness in a flag if you will.
I'll take it as a symbol of rebellion. Because I won't comply.
You can see darkness in a rainbow of colors that was hijacked by certain groups.
I still see a rainbow, regardless what you try to make me believe. roygbiv ....
It doesn't matter when you see with ultraviolet.All will work out in the end.

the end....


Sewing appliques.....still no fun.
Painting appliques....even non-funner.
Selling fabric.... I sold some more.
Need to take a few days to get some things planned out for THP,
...but I still have orders to finish.
Lots of busyness to take care of these next few weeks too.
...and need to catch up on sleep. I tired.

I will not comply.
I will not be assimilated.
I am not Borg.


Don't let these storms rock your boat.
Don't let them crumble your foundations.
All will be well.
All is well
Take refuge.
Rest.
...or are you on a boat out at sea without Him.
He will come to you if you allow it.
Fear not what the world may become....or is.
He has overcome the world.

Who's birthday is it? Doesnt' lighting candles get wax all over your icing....?

It's funny....that little things slowly reveal themselves bit by bit...stone by stone...until you realize that not a single thing stands alone.

There's a fresh cool breeze gently sailing into the spiral corridor. I can see that the light has shifted from a dreary grey to a sunnier demeanor. There's a doorway now that stands just ahead. It's open and I can see the blue sky that teases for me to hurry. Only a select number of steps lie between me and it's threshold.
   He asks if I'm ready to continue....I say yes...but I look down to the step beneath my foot....those steps...these hard, cold, concreted firmaments of solid mass...and of strength.
   "Ya know..." I begin...though I know He already knows what I'm about to say. He smiles, but is trying to hide it. "These steps are pretty strong...they are solid. I trust them." I pause. "I'm not the tower, am I?" I shake my head smiling to myself. "He is."  I stare into those steps... They may be hard and cold and compacted with rocks...the walls built with stones and beaten by waves....but they are strong, solid, built to last generations. Firm, dependable, trustworthy.....this tower shields me from the rain....from the waves....carries me higher.
   I look over to Him as He watches me come to this revelation. He waits.
"I'm the lightkeeper." I say quietly. "You're the light.....and he's our tower."
   It's beautiful....this chaos. And no matter what we try to do....there's still the conclusion that we are all for one another. Even if you're a harsh cold wave....beating upon a tall stone tower who is cold and damp....who shields a little star and her light from the rain.... climb hard....because those last steps are going to be the hardest.
 Climb, climb. Light the tower on fire...

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


I have $67...and bills due that are much higher than that.
I have some pretty awesome fabric sitting here though.
I sold 3 yards so far though. Hey....better than nothing.
I have a few orders left that I could care less about. I want them to disappear. I don't want to sew anything. Took me a 4 days to sew 1 princess....and 1 to sew 4....still not done.
I feel like I'm in a dream. Things are converging into sync...and this is so weird.
I am excited to see what comes of it. What lies beyond that door.
Let it Go is playing on my itunes.... and this gives me a huge inkling of what these last few steps will require of me.
Going to see a cheapy $1 movie tomorrow.
Awaiting a few photoshoots to prep for.
Kids finally got their blackbelts in TKD.
And nothing else too new....I suppose.










   

The stars...they have friends in high places.

She was dancing....spiraling in and out of the sunlight that radiated from between the trees. A song playing in her ears...the trees dancing with her.
Flowers tucked carefully in the grass, showing colors of velvet and of breeze. Peace floated off the light....love shone out from the star....

but

but....your chaos.....your chaos. It was too bright for the shadows...and the shadows rebelled against her...striking her down. How dare you shine your light, little star.....  how dare you find peace. How dare you embolden love and embrace it upon your lips. How dare you.....little star.
She stopped and pondered...why the shadows cursed at her. Are we not all part of one another? Her song died out and she forgot the words....those words.... the trees stood still like logs and the sunlight.....it became cold.
The flowers were scattered across the grass like weeds....showing colors of blood.
Peace.... now had to be fought for...
and love...
it had to be found....and it had to be earned.

Little star.....have you already forgotten....
you danced with the mountains for weeks....and then one moment comes that shakes you out of your dream and you turn cold.....like a dead star.
A star is chaos.....without it. it will die. Love is chaos....without it, it will suffer.

Little star.... I will fight for you.....

  -----------------------------------------------------------

Things take time..... time is what things are taking.
Not just waiting on fabric reps this time...but waiting on the shadows to no longer fear falling asleep.
.....waiting for myself to no longer make the shadow's fear an end to my dance.

I scribbled out some lists yesterday.... and wrote things on it the same way a bully would write on your book at school...in 8th grade. Because dancing is for children.....dancing is for dreamers....
I'm not allowed to be a dreamer....I'm not allowed to dance....
I'm not allowed to make the shadows upset....
My chaos isn't acceptable.
I'm not acceptable.
It's not acceptable to breathe.
It's not acceptable to smile.
Don't let the shadows see....don't let the dark see what the light is doing....because the light is not allowed to be.
Chaos...... chaos....is in me.

Hold the little star and she will burn you....
set her free...set her free.....

I cleaned house today. I also was told I was never satisfied.
I made bread crumbs. Placed fabric orders. Answered emails. And reminded that everything I say is unacceptable.
I cooked dinner. Washed dishes. And successfully made it through the day hating my own voice.

I closed my etsy shop except for appliqued tees. I put my facebook page on vacation. Still people emailed me. And I probably made a sale or two.

Oh...look... a kitty!!!!!! :)  :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)


 --------------------------------------------

“ that's why love is madness; it's too easy to lose your mind when you lose your heart. ”

bored.....and this wifi signal is irritating.....

We sang songs and skipped up steps, laughing all the while. Like two teenagers who've stayed up way longer than they should have...and everything is much more hysterical than it could ever be before....
Late night giggle fits, while singing ...follow the yellow brick road?? I don't know what we were doing....but it was fun.
No, the steps aren't yellow....but I think He mentioned it was time to paint the walls....


So...almost two months later...not by any fault of my own....I'm still waiting for other people to get the ball rolling. Accounts are pending....someone is at a trade show....or this other paper needs signed....
So I'm waiting.... but tomorrow is Monday and maybe something will start to cooperate.

American Pharaoh won again! And so did I! Sweet! 3 weeks till the next one. :)

There's this saying about if you want different results you have to make different choices...or something like that.....soooo.... this should be interesting....

I have 1 more week till vacation...give or take.
2 tees to sew, a dress, a onesie, and a set.....  and I'm still cringing that I'm working and the money has been spent and nothing else has been ordered.....
I'm debating what type of detergent to use when I toss SDD in the washer.... Tide? All? Gain? ....bleach?
Maybe a mix of All Gain....lol.....

The clothes in the washer go...whoosh whoosh whoosh...whoosh whoosh whoosh.

I'm not sure what happened to her....but I've discovered that she has been gone for awhile now.
I don't think she'll ever be back...no.....there's no coming back after a question like that.

"Do you feel safe with me?" He asked.
I'm clinging to his arm as if that was the oddest question I ever heard....dude....you're Jesus Christ, of course I feel safe!
Yeah....but we know how this goes....if you worry about anything....then I guess it's because you don't feel safe. I'll shut my mouth now about telling you those things that might be a possible problem to worry about.....because I'm suddenly not worried at all now....ever.

We are still climbing....but I'm not tired.
Still taking step after step....but it doesn't hurt.
Sometimes it gets dark, sometimes we are without a window to look out of....but the darkness flees as we walk.
He's been making me smile lately. I keep wondering what He's up to, like it's some new profound way of bringing me where I need to go. It's fascinating really....but I realize that my preprogrammed thoughts have been working against me....and everything is false....and everything is true. It's like going in the wash cycle....churning and turning....breaking up this grit. Rinse it out and wash again....as this gunk hasn't served me well.

Safe.
Safe.
 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


I feel like painting.
I feel like learning a dance that goes with a certain chinese song.....only because the anime people can do it.....so why can't I.
I feel like buying happy fabrics..... but I'm waiting on company reps to set up my wholesale accounts.
I feel excited on the inside....I'm bouncing in my seat and making those retarded clappy hands....on the inside....you'll never see me do that in real time....well....you might. *rolls eyes, I know I'm a dork.
I'm contemplating something drastic...yet exciting! But I'm not sure how to do it just yet. Still shuffling it around in my head, but the idea of putting ShadowDragon Dreams into the wash cycle with me might be in the works. Heck, who doesn't like to take a bubble bath.............on a roller coaster.
I picked up an old broken dresser on the side of the road (yay free!)....waiting for hubby to fix it to my liking so I can paint it!
Almost done with sewing orders ........ almost done for good.....what a boring job lately. Me and boring don't work well together. Well.....me a not making sales....don't work well together. So yeah...washing machine. I have 8 left....which is way way way below norm....not cool economy....not cool at all.
Picnic tomorrow.....why not. No one wants to do anything around here! Time to break out the educational assessment notebook! (Yay school, but not really!) Now I need cash and 4 white bodysuits....and a big ass piece of paper....and paint..... I love paint!
Ooohhh! Preakness Stakes is on the 16th! American Pharoah and Carpe Diem (which he better freaking win something this time) Horsies!!!
 The sun is warm and the rain hasn't shown it's face enough..... I'm outta here, later gators~ Don't you just whoosh you were clean!

Love will find a way....just give it time.

It's been darker lately.
Even the light of the tiny windows I pass doesn't give this dark tower any joy.
He's been here with me...every step.
"Do you want to go on?" He asks.
"Yes." ....because there's something at the top I want to see...I want to feel...I want to be.

I struggle. Like an old record...I take step after step...and each one is hard. Each one bring more pain.
"Do you want to stop and rest?" He asks.
 I pause, wondering if I want to rest in this place....
"No."  ..... because I'd rather at least rest by a window...any sort of light is better than none.
Sometimes I hate these steps...and these steps burn.

"Is it the step you hate?" He asks. "Or is it the pain it causes you when you take it?"

So it can't be the step.....now can it.
My weak burning muscles....my inability to climb without feeling the burn.
It's something in me that I hate...not the step. This step is only telling me to look to the inside...for it is in the inside that suffers.
And this presses me deeper...farther...higher. I can't form words to tell of the broken parts of myself. But these steps have chosen to reveal them. These steps I love.
"Is he your Lord?" He asks me as I'm caught up in a series of memories.
"No." I shake my head. "You are."
"Then let me be." He kneels down to me with more unspoken words that race through my thoughts like sunbeams. I understand.

"Do you want to continue?" He asks.
"Yes." I nod.....knowing it's darker ahead. Knowing...and loving it still.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

So ....my other life...
this one...a small part perhaps...but most people think of it as my only one.
There's a crack on my mini laptop's screen..... I know who used it last....it still works, thankfully....
Sewing work.... I hate sewing. This job is not very satisfying lately. I'm unenthused and rather bored with it. I need a long vacation. Too bad there's this reliance on some sort of income from it.
The Hobo Patch......waiting on everyone else to do their jobs.... I'm ready when I get certain things from certain institutions.....bummer.
Photography.... I have a job next weekend.
Bills.....hahahahahahaha! I'm really trying hard to find excuses not to pay them. I have failed successfully. I currently own $15 and haven't made a sale in a long time.... please buy something from me.
Kids..... I work too much to plan decent projects/outings/educational activities......however...one has found a liking to an after school program although I guess it will be over in a few weeks....and the other is going to a robotics class this summer....
Weather....rain...nothing but rain. Boooooooo!!!
Garden.... wet and muddy at the moment.
House....the places I use most are clean....does that count.
Me....I'm fine. yeah. whatever. No, I'm dying inside. But I'm happy too....that make sense?
Pets....the cat will not shut up! and the dogs are shedding....the bird is so cute, but likes to pick my zits....the other birds are fine. The ferret is good too.
Dreams....nothing good....
Hubby....let's just say he's that #!$%@# step I love. :)


what else do I do..... lots of stuff....but I find that most of it is not something I would choose.
....... perhaps at another time I'll find something more exciting to write about! :)

My very good friend.... he said that ."....even if we are on different paths, it doesn't mean we won't end up at the same destination...."

The Architect built the lighthouse.
But alas... why do we even need them anymore.
Many are abandoned and forgotten. Left to become a symbol of neglect.
They are cute, perhaps a mirage of design from the past. Towering spires with a flame atop its head.
But nonetheless neglected. Cracking....fading....
Did the Architect think of how it'd be left to face the world alone.

I can't remember when I wrote this.....it was awhile ago....and ..it was a window.

Stairs make your heart beat harder than if you were walking on a field.

Sometimes I forget. I forget that lighthouses are towers and that towers have many steps....
Steps that seem unending and go on and on and on.
Steps that are cradled in darkness.
Steps that seem like the same step over and over again.
These tiring steps.
I didn't think about how hard it was going to be when I asked to be a lighthouse.
I didn't even realize how dark this flight of spiral stairs was going to be...I didn't even think about the steps....maybe I thought I could just fly to the top. I'm not sure what I was thinking.
Oh yeah...I was thinking of the blinding light that stretches out over the seas and thrusts the darkness into oblivion.... I was thinking that the waves could never break it open or make it tremble. I was thinking of the swirling colors of joy I'd paint it.
Oh but these steps.... they've made me want to surrender.


I was there in the spiral, struggling to force one leg upward, in the dim damp dark. Cursing these steps.
He was there just a step ahead of me. He turned back to me.
"Where do you go? Where do you go when I can't find you?" I had asked him. A bit of rage upon my tongue, because I hate it when he does that. I was grumbling...with honesty.
"Where do you think I go, when I'm not here?" He asked me in return.
    and he always answers the real questions with real questions that give real answers. My heart echoed the answer and I no longer feel the need to grumble...or even ever ask that again.
    ............ I go to prepare a place for you.........
Well, obviously I should have thought of that before asking the question, but I didn't. Maybe I thought he was just watching me freak out a bit every now and then from afar....for unendless reasons...but simply, no...he was doing something important for me....duh.

I can't remember now...but these steps...these steps I love. They told me a story the past few days. No, they wrote me a story. And I seem to find that taking the next step is easier. Turning up the next spiral is fulfilling. Slowly watching the darkness turn to a dim light is perfection....and we are almost to the top...or perhaps a window. I will accept either. I will accept a thousand more steps....a thousand more after that...so long as I can take them with you.
 ......and that song ...it played in my head today and those words seem more beautiful. And I laugh, because I know he has a sense of humor and he sends me these songs for no other reason than to see me smile....and to remind me that we are more than what we can imagine...and so is he.
 "But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door"
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ4Ib-7fJqY


"You are the ocean. And you are the forest, and the river, and the mountain. You are the sun, and the moon. You are the wind, the field, the earth, and the sky. You are the stars, and you are the fire."
This is what we are. All different, each of us. But we are one.... we are won.
He told me that the other day....thought I might share.
He speaks like a poet.



Anyway.... what's been happening in the other world in which I live...?
Sewing work. But I happen to like sewing work...most of the time.
Business stuff, like paperwork, and bills, and post office errands.
painting a table....that needs a second coat still.
Making a leprechaun costume...
Get to do cage stuff tomorrow I think for the boy. And if not raining, a parade.
Other plans....but I'm really just satisfied that I got the chance to write this blog post finally. It's been hanging with me for a week now. Although I wouldn't have gotten that song unless I was forced to wait...hmmm.
 Been missing my very good friend. Just haven't been able to chat lately.
But grateful the boss man is present recently.
Universal vibes have been giving me a sense of something exciting is on the way. ....well, I say universal vibes...but the boss man is chilling with me and everything is exciting when he's here. And there's totally some light up ahead..I can see it.
Not like I see this weird 4th dimensional stuff, but really....awesomeness is approaching.
And I feel like writing a book.... and playing a song...


..yep...that's it.

Random conversation with my crazy child on the same computer

no...I would LOVE to!
I do not want to go to the gym, thank you. But I do want to join a 15k race! Let's do it!

I would rather go skydiving
ME too! but you're too young..... boo hoo...grow up
why don't YOU grow up?!
My bones won't stretch any taller!!!
I have seen teenagers taller than you!
Me too!
Buy me a lollipop
The bank gives them away for free :)
I mean the big colorful round ones that are like 5 inches across
YOu mean with a 5 inch diameter?
......YES.
find one and I'll buy it for you, but I have to warn you that you probably will not finish it
I do not really care if i finish it or not.
why? it will go bad. Or do you plan to cover it with mod podge? If so you can just make one out of something like pipe cleaners or clay!!
No, i want to eat it and whatever i don't eat will either be thrown away or saved until later.
whatever....
NO
Good night skylar, I love you so much you make me crazy!
Does that mean you have a mental disorder? If you are going crazy then you need to see a therapist.
I'm not really crazy, I just say that to make other people think I'm aware of my special antics..... it makes them feel safe....yeah...safe
Are you going to murder them later that day?
No.
Lol i don't trust you
that's your choice...
So you're saying i should trust this weirdo?
You can trust me...I have your best interests at heart
You sound sinister. What are my interests then?
warm home, good food, freewill...computer time....and stuff for your birds....et al.
What does et al mean? And the rest is just good quality of life. You were the one who let me have the birds in the first place!
Et al....is latin. It means 'and others' or similar to etcetera. Etc.
Go to bed
Why

i need to go to bed
but you are writing a blog. do not lie to me MUAAHAHAHAHA
I'm not, I have to go to bed because I have to go to the gm in the morning.... and I was going ot write a blog post, but someone has taken over my plan ...and now I am TIRED!!!!
What kind of grammar is that??!!?!?
You could just give this a title and publish it as "random conversation with my crazy child on the same computer"
whateve..I can do that if you think it will work....but I had something grandeous to write about and something deep and insightful....now it's all got to wait until next time....
Who cares? this is better anyway!
ok
Great, now i'll give it a title and you can hit the button that says "Publish" OK?
Sure, why not.
Brilliant. 

what am i doing.... ? who knows anymore.

It's been what...5 or 6 days. I have a few dreadlocks, but have yet to do the rest of my hair....though I'm starting to not like the unbound strands, lol. There's a few I need to tighten up too, so luckily I did the type that can be taken out and redone if needs be. So live and learn, yes.

I quit that unfullfilling job! I'm happy, though I need to kinda go there to shop and don't want to just yet, lol. Waiting for them to forget me maybe, idk.

I'm almost done with Volume 1 of that book I'm reading...1 more volume to go....and then I might write a story. idk.

I'm having those fits of   ''ideas to make money'' which is so detrimental...as they all require time, effort, or money.....And even though most don't require much money at all, I'm rather stuck at not wanting to put too much time or effort into them just to 'see if they will work out'. I need to get to an unstuck point in which to focus and attack. I know how this story goes and I know I have to love it in order for it to work.... and i don't know why I bother contemplating ways to see if they would, when I could just not.

I'm still on the hunt, although I admit that I haven't spent very much time at all...or effort... into searching. Hardly any actually. I will need to plan a date for sure, otherwise it will not be a priority...when it really should be.

I'm watching the twilight series... and this makes me either want to turn into a vampire, or write a book. Ugh.
I'm sewing and sewing lately...and still need to edit pics, and paint tables, and paint dresses even. I have a to-do list, but now that I have all this time, I feel kinda great about the outlook of things, lol. So for the record, the best way to find time is to add something to your list....and then after awhile, drop it :) like a job.

You know what.... I don't have any complaints other than my useless rambling and theories. I like this hippie/viking lifestyle. Problem is I want to be a rich viking/hippie. Lol.

Hold on tight.....everything that drowns me...makes me wanna fly.

Today, today, live like you wanna.
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire.
Live like a warrior.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qf-DOEim250
    what was that I wrote last time about burning....?

Oh yes, this is just something awesome. I don't even have to look for these awesome things, they look for me. Sweet. We are blessed.
First day of not brushing my hair, hahahaha. I think I'll do the neglect and see what happens type of dreadlocks. For now.
First day of not working for someone else. I called and told them I was done, take me off the schedule, sorry, but not sorry. I hope they don't call me tomorrow to find out why.
My tree house has been approved and simplified. Hell yes.
I'm going to go part viking, part hippie.
And still thinking on that tattoo.....I need a very good artist.

I'm thinking of going skating (again) even though I earned a blister on my foot today.
This year is going to be great. I need skates..... knee pads.... warm weather....

I think I've been adopted by my daughter's cat. She won't leave me alone....but with this much awesomeness, I don't blame her. She even tells me when it's time to quit sewing and go upstairs to check emails or read before bed. She tells me when it's wake up time too. And when it's time to go downstairs, and when it's time for everything else I can't understand.

Sewing work.... need to paint 7 shirts tomorrow.
Then finish 2 dresses
Then loads more of tees.
Then more after that including a bunch of Tangled stuff.
    NEED to actually put stuff for sale in my etsy shop, lol. Now that I don't have to divide up my focus, I can do just that. Sweet. Going to make it tons more efficient and hopefully make a few sales.
Still thinking there's something I can do with some new stuff....but not sure of a plan of attack just yet.
  Painting a table within the next few days too....or tomorrow if I get the urge.

And....I'm on the hunt. Since I can't make my way to Burning Man anytime soon.... I'm going to hunt for them here. Maybe my unbrushed hair will attract them....or my awesome aura....cause it just got a layer of muck seared off of it.
But, I need to take little purposeful deliberate steady careful meaningful steps.... oh yeah.
Time to start counting stars * * * * * * * *********************************** * *  ** *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  ** *  *********** * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * *  ** * *  ** * * * ** * * * * * * * *  * * * * * * * * * * * * *  *  ** * * * * * ** * * * ** ***** **** * * * * * *** *

thinking...I'm thinking....yeah, no..wait, what?

Its that time of year I suppose.That time where you want to release everything that is not you....to step into the scalding fires of Hades and thank Lucifer for burning off the impurities...
Yeah.That time is now.
I'm thinking of getting dreadlocks started this year. I'm currently working on growing my hair out, but if I do dreads it will shorten it up quite a bit. Thinking of trying out those fake dreads first.
I'm thinking I'll go get a tattoo too. Yeah, a big one with a tree and a dragon and maybe the flower of life.
I'm thinking of putting in my notice at society work for the end of March. I have gardening to do and other things....anything else, even sleeping or sitting in the sun, that is a better use of my time. I don't know why I'm still there....besides maybe a bit of obligation. Oh curse that damn people-pleasing side of me. Shall the surface of the sun burn that shit away too, please.
I'm thinking of building a tree house, but I'm unsure if there are any building codes in Dunlapia. Not that it truly matters.... I will not ask permission or say I'm sorry.... on either terms. I just have to find a way to put really big 8x8's in the ground straight. And find lots of windows....lots of windows....and wood...that might help too.
I'm thinking of going all viking or something. Anything other than what I am now. That should be fun.
I'm thinking of many possibilities. Of many adventures, of many dreams, of many rendezvous in the night. I'm thinking that I'm alone.... no one else seems to be thinking at all. What a conundrum.
I'm thinking Netflix is like a drug. How can there be nothing on tv, when everything is on tv? It's as bad as watching cat videos on youtube....my god there is no end. BUT you realize that after the first wasted night watching them, you can logically decide not to even go there the next day. It's sort of like the same reason to avoid pinterest.....unless you are looking for something of course. Netflix however is harder to avoid...at least by certain individuals.
I'm thinking....of a way to make $500 a month, without any huge monetary investment up front. It must take less than 40 hours a month. It must not require early hours or late nights. It must not require cooking or door to door sales. It must provide a creative outlook though and ability for a minimum number of employees....like 1. It must be home based, cause I'm going to look funky for a little while once I get those dreads, lol. And it should not require too much in-person customer involvement. I'm a bit of an empath and I can only take so much.
And no sewing = NO
And no portrait photography = NO


late, going now, bye

Hidden among the universe. You won't find me there.

I feel we've come to and end.
Something is ending....and I'm not sure what it is. I'm not sure whether this is sunset and that a bright sunrise will come tomorrow or whether it will remain dark forever.
I don't like the dark. You can ask Logan about that. You can ask Jesus.
I'm not even going to post this blog link....so the only people ever going to read it, is those who find themselves here. I'm sure I won't say anything grand or infinite. I feel like that star....that star lingering the darkness, yet shining brightly...no one understands, and not many people look up at the night skies these days.
It's okay though....I read something yesterday that reminds me of things I have written about on my deviant journal....which I haven't written in for probably well over a year.
Yeah, those things I write and then go back to read and they are the future...and these things strike me not only with a sense of awe, not just an unusual awareness....but they reflect an energy that I don't have words for.
This will be my last post for a long while. or forever. There's something that I have to go do.....and this isn't helping me.
I feel like I'm at the finish line...

Truthfully, I'm scared.
It's like holding someone's hand...but your just not. It's like standing in front of Jesus....and then you wake up. It's like knowing you love someone and you miss them dearly...and obviously they didn't incarnate in this life with you and you're wondering why you have this hole gouged through your heart.
Worst case scenario...I don't want to die....
Everything else is great.

I'm tired....I'm sad....and I know it's coming....it's coming quickly and there's nothing that's going to make the earth stop spinning.


So I work part time at this unfullfilling job....I work at home too at a moderately decent job. Whatever has become of my plans/dreams...I do not know. They've dissipated. I can't decide whether to stop things I don't like or push through them. I can't decide whether to stand and fight, flee, or just watch.
I'm too tired to do much....I haven't had a decent conversation with the boss man for days...though in truth it feels like years....where is He?
and Logan....I'm too tired to talk and I fall asleep too soon....too soon.
And these humans who litter the earth....who are you people....I can't see you... You can't see me...because I'm hiding....but not because I want to...it's because I don't know who I am until I know who you are.... why do I have to be a fucking mirror?
I never asked to be a mirror....I asked to be a river....and it was so....and then I asked to be a star....and it was so....then I asked to be a lighthouse....and I don't know what that means yet.
all I hear radiating through my thoughts involve the crazy 88 and the constellations...chords, rhythms, music notes...the song of the heavens...and I don't know what to do with this....

God I love him. And I'm the only one caught up in this hurricane... I must go...I have to go to him. I want to.
It's not the same...the way others relate to him..... I've touched him....I've looked into his eyes...he's lifted me high as a child...and I've heard his voice and there isn't anything more that matters. I've seen his smile and his pain...
I love him...everything.... and I'm not sure where to go with this...I feel like that star about to become supernova. I feel like that lighthouse, alone, but standing ready...I feel like that river....swirling unending forward, with no hope of turning around or stopping. He's made me everything...because that's what we are.


What you feel is what you are...and what you are is beautiful.

Don't be bound by the book....

Some people can't enter the garden.....because they would judge half of it evil.

oh to see how everything would look if we just step outside....instead of merely looking through the glass. There's just too much information pouring in and perhaps it seems not enough time to absorb it all. Then we complain when we find the time to absorb it because things have slowed. Don't stop...let the rain come down. I would rather drown in this ocean than thirst to death.
That song....that partially annoying song plays again...Let it Go...Let it go, can't hold me back anymore... and you wonder why it's so famous....or perhaps overly used to the point of driving the country insane. It's true you know. That lingering underlying message it is sending out. That hidden frequency that radiates not just from those words, but from that speech...that song behind the song...the one on the other side. I can't explain in simple terms....but I understand, I hear it, and I see it. And I think it's a grand design.
No...it's not brainwashing children or anything....merely showing them the doorhandle. The one you have to turn to open the door. And they can feel it...those children....they don't even know it. We aren't going to recognize the future generations...they aren't going to have the same fear that plagues the world right now. They aren't going to have any fears at all. Nothing is going to keep them from the truth....not rules, not fear, not each other.
Let them sing. Let them....cause most of us are just getting in their way.

its 1am....and I need to go write an epilogue. and read some more of this book I'm reading. It has stuff about physics, science, history, chemistry...among other things in it....and no, it's not an educational book...unless you want to learn about .....I don't even know what to call it. other stuff. yeah. like architecture and alchemy...and mathematics and geometry....it really is an intriguing book so far.
see what I found hahaha.....

and sometimes you have to choose not to see the EVOL as evil....and yes, it is a choice...
but see it all as LOVE....cause it is. it makes the world go round.
Yeah lame...whatever.

Anyway.... yeah, that's it for today.

Everything really IS awesome....choose that.

I'm really thrilled actually. Thrilled that these words spill out of their confinements and lay themselves bare. No longer hidden behind humdrum beginnings or mysterious endings. Oh the joy of these numerous fascinations.
Duality.... or now dubbed 'dueling reality'.... I think I can see through the mist a little clearer. Though seeing what amazement it brings...one would already know things are much clearer.
And so this leads to being caught up in a one way ticket....a one track mind....and to square one. There's no going back...and who would want to? Forgive me if I seem to fall behind, or seem to leap ahead....that's only a misconception...a misperception... irrelevant. Doesn't matter if I'm on the train's first car or last....we still all reach the destination at the same time. We are one.

So....if you already aren't aware....there's this energy boiling up...pounding thick against our flesh....a turbulent growing force waiting to be unleashed...and it's building rapidly behind the flood gates..... can't you hear the rushing waves....
It's almost ready to burst forth.... prepare to harness the coming wave....it's going to be a big one... and I am excited and ecstatic and almost uncontainably able to patiently wait for its release.
I feel like laughing madly into the sky....because even if I can't describe it, I can feel it...and it's going to be grand! Don't bother holding on tight....we aren't meant to stay put with this one....it's time to fly! WhEEEeeEEeeEEEeeEeeeEEEEEEeee!!!!!!


So besides the exciting news.....I also feel there may be something that has yet to reveal itself....feels like a secret you've been waiting to hear about or a solution to a major problem...or the final piece of the puzzle....feels like it's fixing to get known too.... like a surprise. I wonder what it could be....hmmmm. I shall keep you updated on that once I figure out what it is.

Book update.... I'm fixing to proof read everything. I think I'm done with Chapter 30.... and I want to write the epilogue after I proof read in case I forgot something... Should be done within a week...we hope! Then to name it, haha.... prep the formatting, and get it printed.... only to find 50 misspelled words or misprints after I get it in book form, lol. Of course.
Book 4 on the other hand will have to wait until I read this very interesting book.....

Sewing work, good. Working for other people job, good. And other than my neck pinching the crap out of me, I'm good-ish. I should probably go to sleep....but I'm gonna go proof read! YAY! Later!

......I swear I've lived.

So....the conversation was enlightening. And now....this word.... 'deserve'....has been decoded...debunked...demoted into what it really is.
De-serve ...De-serving...di-serving....this dis-service to ourselves.... Who are we to even judge ourselves....for we would condemn ourselves quickly and easily. Guilty.
Split into two....we are such a fatal species.
And He asked if I deserved my punishment I bestowed upon myself? But I couldn't answer Him. I wasn't even that good of a judge much less jury and executioner. He didn't see anything worth condemning. He didn't see a need for me to be swallowed up by the darkness...the rain, the muck, the cold. "Come here." He pulled me out of that muddy corner and set the sunlight upon my face. "Choose love." He would say.
Choose love. Yeah. Love is all you need, for reals.

And when we can impart that into every breath....that will be the indwelling. Choosing to love all, even ourselves.
There was this song I just heard...and it's probably old, but it said something about hoping you fall in love and it hurts so bad...the only way to know is to give it all you have... but there was this image that cast through my thoughts....a standing to toast every moment, good, bad, ugly, beautiful.... ah yes, everything.

....I'm not sure where the day went, but tomorrow is already planned and I don't like that monopolizing evidence. Sewing work, obviously. Writing the end of chapter 29 (I'm totally like 2 paragraphs away from Chapter 30) Which will be the last chapter besides the short epilogue. Dinner...no idea what's for dinner. And that dreaded twiddling of thumbs waiting on a w-2 form.... oh the joy.
Otherwise....very insightful things lately and hopefully you've noticed. Goodnight....er...good morning?

Reeling it in. I'm going home.

Let's get real....real deep....real eyes'd.
I recently gave everything away. Yeah, you heard that right. So recently it was only a few seconds ago. The trouble is remembering that.
If it were ever mine, I would own it, I would control it, I would have created it, I would know it's uses, it's causes, it's effects...down to every little detail, every smidgen of worth, every ripple, every line, every molecular atom... Every wavelength.
But since I do not know these things...about any of it. It was never mine. It couldn't be mine. I have no bond to such a thing. So instead of pretending I own it...I gave it away.
Now it is not mine. And...I don't want it back. I cede. I surrender. I give up. I abandon. I leave. I oust. I kick out. I turn away from....I deny.

Now, let's go deep....diving into this abyss.
I recognized it today. That old malfunction in rhythm. I know what causes it too. So I gave that cause away.... and the wavelength is straightening out. Should I remember this tomorrow? Who knows. Doesn't matter. I give that away too. Tomorrow may not come.
Light waves are made up of moving bands of both light and darkness.... When we see that we have the choice to look to the light, or look to the darkness...things become clear. I could see where the darkness led... I know that place. And I can see where the light led... I know that place too. I will not choose the shadows.
Run the race and stay in time with those bands of light. Don't linger....or the light flashes.

Have you realized.... Have you real eyes? Can you see?
I realize....


.......... I need to go. Words are useless anyhow.
I give you all away.

Drumming beats make me wanna dance

I hear the drumbeat.
A distant echo as I look upon the thunderous mountains and the silent fields that are laid out before them.
"I'm coming for you."
A whisper brought to me by the winds that drift across my skin.
The drumbeat, pounding like the soldiers who tread upon the minds of our kin.
Yet, my eyes are stolen away from their pursuit and cast back across the sunlit skies and giving all abandon unto your face.
Rivers of fear bleed out behind me and I can feel its growing tsunami, yet I cannot see the shadows it creates.
What can a star see of the darkness. What can a lighthouse know of the waves. All she can do is dance.
Dance. Dance. A star can see it all. A lighthouse can feel it all. And still she dances as if these lights will never go out and as if the tower will always stand.
Dance Dance.


Chapter 25 eeekk!! Why do I get so excited for myself...well, for my book, I'm such a dork.
There was this ....thing...today...a ripple? A fluctuation...a something I can't even describe. What do I do with that? I'm curious what tomorrow brings, whether it will be something similar? stronger? better?...hmm

in english, today kinda sucked in one area and was nifty in another. I didn't sew, but I checked emails if that counts towards anything. And I'm headed to go do some more writing since I've only been waiting all freaking day to do it.


notsurewhatelsetosaytatyouwouldunderstand.notsorryforbeingeverythingiamandeverythingiamnot.