Hidden among the universe. You won't find me there.

I feel we've come to and end.
Something is ending....and I'm not sure what it is. I'm not sure whether this is sunset and that a bright sunrise will come tomorrow or whether it will remain dark forever.
I don't like the dark. You can ask Logan about that. You can ask Jesus.
I'm not even going to post this blog link....so the only people ever going to read it, is those who find themselves here. I'm sure I won't say anything grand or infinite. I feel like that star....that star lingering the darkness, yet shining brightly...no one understands, and not many people look up at the night skies these days.
It's okay though....I read something yesterday that reminds me of things I have written about on my deviant journal....which I haven't written in for probably well over a year.
Yeah, those things I write and then go back to read and they are the future...and these things strike me not only with a sense of awe, not just an unusual awareness....but they reflect an energy that I don't have words for.
This will be my last post for a long while. or forever. There's something that I have to go do.....and this isn't helping me.
I feel like I'm at the finish line...

Truthfully, I'm scared.
It's like holding someone's hand...but your just not. It's like standing in front of Jesus....and then you wake up. It's like knowing you love someone and you miss them dearly...and obviously they didn't incarnate in this life with you and you're wondering why you have this hole gouged through your heart.
Worst case scenario...I don't want to die....
Everything else is great.

I'm tired....I'm sad....and I know it's coming....it's coming quickly and there's nothing that's going to make the earth stop spinning.


So I work part time at this unfullfilling job....I work at home too at a moderately decent job. Whatever has become of my plans/dreams...I do not know. They've dissipated. I can't decide whether to stop things I don't like or push through them. I can't decide whether to stand and fight, flee, or just watch.
I'm too tired to do much....I haven't had a decent conversation with the boss man for days...though in truth it feels like years....where is He?
and Logan....I'm too tired to talk and I fall asleep too soon....too soon.
And these humans who litter the earth....who are you people....I can't see you... You can't see me...because I'm hiding....but not because I want to...it's because I don't know who I am until I know who you are.... why do I have to be a fucking mirror?
I never asked to be a mirror....I asked to be a river....and it was so....and then I asked to be a star....and it was so....then I asked to be a lighthouse....and I don't know what that means yet.
all I hear radiating through my thoughts involve the crazy 88 and the constellations...chords, rhythms, music notes...the song of the heavens...and I don't know what to do with this....

God I love him. And I'm the only one caught up in this hurricane... I must go...I have to go to him. I want to.
It's not the same...the way others relate to him..... I've touched him....I've looked into his eyes...he's lifted me high as a child...and I've heard his voice and there isn't anything more that matters. I've seen his smile and his pain...
I love him...everything.... and I'm not sure where to go with this...I feel like that star about to become supernova. I feel like that lighthouse, alone, but standing ready...I feel like that river....swirling unending forward, with no hope of turning around or stopping. He's made me everything...because that's what we are.


What you feel is what you are...and what you are is beautiful.