~ What a Little Tree Had To Say ~
It's been 2 days...maybe it has been 3.
When the threat of some invading plants was brought to my attention for my front garden.
The front garden area, mind you.
The part the other people of the world see.
The part that represents a whole heck of a lot about the people who live in the house.
The part that stands as an agreed upon totem of the neighborhood.
"You've got stuff growing in your plants." I was told.
...
So I grabbed the clippers and headed up to see what was amiss.
I thought it was going to be that dreaded trumpet vine that made a forever home in the root ball of my azalea bush I replanted a few years back. The one I couldn't get the vine detached from because it was growing literately through the azalea's root itself. This I had to cut at least 4 times a year as low as I could get it. Yet it always grows back. Always.
But, it wasn't the trumpet vine I had a determination to not let strangle my bush... it was a tree sapling.
I call it a tree sapling, although it was like 3 ft high.
...
I stared perplexed at this little tree, that I hadn't seen here before, not even a week ago...
and felt myself hesitate as I was unfamiliar with the species.
I sighed and went to get my phone.
I came back over and opened my app that identifies plants...of which it told me it was a type of Ashleaf Maple. Different then a normal maple, cause who couldn't know what that is, I have 2 others in my front yard... but this one was different.
But...it can't grow here. I sighed and leaned down to clasp the clippers around the base of the trunk. The trunk that was maybe an inch thick.
But you see... something stopped me. Something held my hand as it paused, with the blades waiting to sink their teeth into this tree. Something. Something I noticed, but didn't hear fast enough.
My mind played out the words. 'It can't grow here.'
I squeezed the clippers and severed the tree from it's roots. I walked over and placed the now cut tree in the garbage.
...
It was nothing. It had to go. There were a hundred trees elsewhere. It couldn't grow there.
...
and fuck me...cause yesterday night I was grappling with this whole experience. This minor, nothing, not important, trivial, undeniably soul opening piece of life.
What within me chose to end it's life...even if it was 'just a tree'... over choosing something else. Something I didn't even notice was an option...until after the fact.
I could see that I hesitated and felt something before I cut it. It had to have been 10 seconds. 10 seconds...which is a long ass time when you are 'getting things done'.
I hesitated and stopped my hand for those seconds. But there was so much I couldn't see fast enough.
I could have dug it up, it was small enough to dig up and move. That would have been better. Even if it was going to be included in the wilderness of my backyard.
I could have waited 10 more seconds to receive that option. I could have waited when I already knew something was trying to get to me. Something was trying to tell me...
And I wasn't fucking listening.
...
And this has served me more than I'd like to admit...
and probably has made it harder for those around me to understand the changes I've already made.
I won't be able to do this again. This frivolous get it done impatient bullshit.
I won't choose to cut down a healthy tree again. Same as I won't kill a bug in the house, or a spider. Not even the ones in the driveway, or yard...
I won't be choosing the comfort of appearances over the life of a little tree spirit.
I will wait. I will listen. A long time if I have to.
...
This little tree was trying to tell me something. I didn't listen.
And while I did fish it out of the garbage can, give it some root hormone and set it in some soil...to make amends... and I had to explain what the heck I'm doing to others... what has been done is done.
I've chosen to listen now. And what will be done is something new. Something good.
And my front garden will still be the front garden, where the azaleas bloom at different times, and the sun dries out my planter too fast. And while I let the grass grow way too tall in May, to the peril of my neighbors... I won't apologize for choosing life. Of a tree. Of a tuft of grass, or 50 of them. Of taking ten times longer to decide if I should cut something down or not.
Nah... I've had 3 days of wrangling with the energy of a little tree.
And this tree speaks with love....of love....even for me.
