Well, I'm back. Today is in fact laundry day and the kids are currently doing their math work. Today is also sunny and warm, but I have yet to find an escape to go outside. Perhaps soon though.
I'm a bit discouraged today, because even though I would love to go do something, it just isn't working out very well. I'm about ready to throw it away and move on. I have until Monday.
I have 2 sets that must be finished tonight. And I again hate sewing.
I'm on the hunt for some money too, but it is being reclusive, lol.
I feel there's some introspection on the horizon too...a little bit of cleaning to be made, like spring cleaning, but more of a fall cleansing, the letting go of the old and worn and the time to prepare and bunker down for the winter. Steadfast, faithful.
I'm debating....I don't think any amount of work or labor, or good deed that could be done is worth it. Maybe for that huge black bug thing that I rescued and released last night, or those lady bugs I help find their way outside, or that dog that I let eat my dogs' outside this morning.....but for people....no. It's almost like helping the enemy. It backfires, or tends to leave a filthy residue on your thoughts. Perhaps there's the few times a 'thank you' reaches your ears, but there are far more silent moments that leave you wondering if any amount of effort on your part was even recognized at all. If that 6 hours was worth it, if that $35 in gas mattered, if the careful planning and scheduling was even considered.
We should fight the good fight anyway and do it anyway, even if it's just out of spite...yes we should. But I no longer want to. I'm falling into the abyss...that deep dark place. Cold. Echoes booming. Falling.
And I have been swallowed whole by something that is rather trivial. Something unworthy to speak of, but I'm lost as to why it bothers me so much. Why do such small things cause drowning tsunamis on the inside. Why?
To say it upsets me is not true. It more or less pries it's way down to the core and shakes things out of place and causes havoc to my calm. Ravaging my sense of belonging. Reminding me that this world, the belonging to this world, the being a part of this world, is false. Reminding me that I will be cast out.....and somehow making me give thanks for things such as this.
One side fights to be nothing, no one, lost, dead. The other fights for being everything, someone, found, alive. I hate this battle. We are the losers either way. The bearers of the war. Feeling it rip us apart and cast us asunder. Watching it toss us to and fro and see how it makes us stumble. Like watching yourself die, but you can't do anything about it. Even if you want to bring in the boss man....He can't just change the channel while you are still stuck in the tv. Though you are still waiting for Him to turn it all off and take you out of tv land altogether.
No superheros here....
So enough rambling about stupid things. Therefore I'll leave you with the impression that I want to tell you how fragile I am while still holding out hope that more than 5 people in this current world make me smile.....but also remind you that it doesn't matter....even if I'm sad if I don't get to see them. That it doesn't matter if I'm cast out...or turned away, or forgotten about, or left behind, or scoffed at, or avoided, or shunned, or replaced, or ignored..... I accept that....and I'll be at peace knowing where I'll be standing at the end...and it won't be with them.
Must go write on deviant art right now....must go.
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