You can learn a lot from a little bird.
This post has been a while in coming...and I really had to think about how to go about an instance like this. So I gave it a few days from said incident. And yeah...things are proceeding once again in some form of direction toward the better. If you know what I mean. not forward exactly, more upward I would say. Or is it inward?? Outward? It is really hard to put a definition on such a deep level. Another dumping of the comfortable safety net. Another shedding of this false grasp of truth. Another plunge of the cliff and into the depths....or solo flight....but not so solo... I'm really bad at describing on a linear level, bare with me in my terminologies.
So a busy day on Gunbarrel road...just like any other, but more so, as it was a weekday and closer to rush hour (yeah, 'what the heck, let's go shopping in the late afternoon' bad idea). Leaving the Wal-Mart parking lot (we went to Joann's....even though I HATE Joann's!!) and so while making a left hand turn....there was this little birdy. Baby bird perhaps? That's what I assumed. Smack dab in the middle of my lane near the middle of this packed full of cars 4-way red light. Yes, I saw it. Yes, it was still alive.
So I stopped....kinda....I slowed stopped-ish.
"Should I stop? there's freaking cars everywhere!" Is there anyone behind me? Hell if I know!" "There's at least 10 cars to my right making the same left turn much faster than I" ....thoughts running through my head... "I know I wouldn't hit it if I kept going forward." "If I get out will I get smacked from a car behind me? "Will I get run over by my own truck?" "Shit, what do I do!!?"
So judging by the fact I was more concerned with safety...I kept going...missing the bird, and even after going super slow so I could pull to the right into a parking lot to go save the bird....I couldn't get over...hence the other 10 or so vehicles speeding on that same left turn out of wal-mart.......so I went forward to turn left to turn around to go back and save the bird....couldn't really get left either due to freaking five hundred cars. Eventually I got back into the wal mart parking lot, made a u-turn and went back out and turned right to get to where the bird was.....little bird is dead. Son of a bitch.
Now this pisses me off. Not only because I could have simply saved it had I pushed the idea that getting hit in the first place out of my head...but because out of the five hundred other drivers literately parked at the red light....that no one else did anything either. What about the drivers in the lane not even 10 feet from this bird...at least 6 had a clear view. What about the drivers going straight? What about the others turning right? Did everyone fail? We all effing suck. And I hate that we suck and evidently can't rely on anyone else to pull us through our challenges or fears.
And this is what I told the boss man. Yeah, the same boss man waiting with me on the hillside. That same one that sometimes doesn't say a word and it drives me crazy.
thanks for helping out, eh?
"What did the little bird teach you?" so He asks..... Him and His questions....always questions....
That life is messy...and fragile...and chaotic...and heartless...heartfull...and full of fear...and love....just a little bit.
"Where was I?" He asks....
Here on this hilltop....I wanted to blurt out....but no...that would be the wrong answer. We all know where He was. There on the inside....always with us. But I didn't get that awesome memory of Him and His "Take hold" lesson. I didn't remember that "Stand up." order. No, none of that nice happy talk that gets you through the night, but can never get you through the day. Never even thought of Him while this helpless creature paraded with giant metal toys.... what were we thinking of....oh, um, obviously the bird...and getting run over...and frustration that everyone was in my way....and disgust that there was no hope outside of oneself.
So ...here's the lesson... because of this blessed little bird.
Whatever verse you cling to....whatever memory you have, no matter how wonderful...whatever thought, idea, prayer, notion, wish, hope, or dream.....none of that really matters at crunch time. It matters, yes, but not in the moment of challenge.
Do you know what does matter?
Imminent self reliance and self awareness. Being fully there. ... not in your head thinking about getting hit or ran over by your own truck...not thinking about attempting to do something a safer, possibly better way. But only being present.
You know the boss man can't ever be present without us. Well, duh.
So did I say hilltop? Let's move over to that cliff again. Yeah..that one, where we leave this sweet comfortable place of communion and give ourselves over to our own wreckless abandon.
Because where we are, He is too.
So begins a new day, and one day we have to get this right, and one day we will make it to that finish line. ... and I'm far from close to it. I suck. But sometimes little birdies lead us forward..well, up..out..in...whatever...lead us on to new horizons.... and we say farewell to the hilltop set below the stars. Where the boss man speaks with His questions, and fills us with answers, and now we are moving....almost running. Let us begin.
So...what else goes on in my life? Obviously this type of stuff takes up 50% of my day. All this thinking and evolutionizing illumination spiritual growth stuff. The rest is divided between family and work, a little bit of conspiracy theory entertainment, along with analyzing the human condition, pets, housework, and unfortunate issues regarding health and wellness.
Possible new employees, check. Funds in the bank again, check. Sewing orders not death sentences of doom until Tuesday, check. A rather late coming convo with the stressed out hubby, check. A jump from the cliff cause we are going to have to get this self reliance thing mastered, check. Kids are happy, check. Pets are still alive, check. House is full of food, check. Bills are paid, check....except for a check to one of my employees who forgot to remind me to pay her before she went home. :P Sewing prep for the week done, check.
What else... plans for month include work, stuff, this, that, Halloween!, photoshoot!, picking up my chicken (Zaycon foods, real all natural chicken for only $1.39lb...Publix has the same stuff for 7.39lb..I know, because I have to buy it because the regular store kind has lactic acid (milk product juice) on it.) Looking for a refrigerator and a small short deep freezer if anyone knows of a lead. Probably have lots to do tomorrow and this coming week, but for tonight we aren't going to worry about it. Talk to you all later. it is late and I have to help with the girl's costume and then I'm going to bed.
And by the way. The boss man is awesome, even if He sends you little birds which you fail to rescue. :(
Oh...and the new 100 dollar bills show another nuclear missile, and tidal wave/tsunami in a big city.... and I heard somewhere something about a ship in New York Harbor.... hmmm. No one wants to comment on these whacked conspiracy theories?? Lol, dang I wish more people would share thoughts about those.... You all are no fun. :/ Some of you can talk about the Living Dead or Breaking Bad all day, but not anything closer to possible truth. I watch a few dumb reality shows occasionally, and late night talk shows....but these funny people on youtube are more entertaining to me, lol.
yeesh.... it's sooo late.
Guess what? ...... nope, never mind.
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