convo with the alchemist, not for you

 99% 110% chance of this getting deleted or not even published...
as it's not between you and me...
it's between me and me...
and sometimes I hear/see better when it's right in front of my face... sometimes, LOL

So... Imma summon forth The Alchemist for this little tirade question event...
and he's looking at me annoyed that I used the word 'summon'
...cause it's not like that, at all... and I know and he knows I know it, yet still choose to use
the wrong word to justify why I need his expertise and perspective enhancing gifts.

so anyway... glancing up at the Alchemist
this whole energetic thing between 'you know who' and me...
let's have a chat

"It's not about him."

it's about me...and my response to him though.
it's about that struggle between knowing without proof and yet still having to deny it
it's about the dissonance between give and take and feeling and action..
about all that... and it's a direct relation of tension at times.

"Seems like you may want to visit with that then.
You aren't feeling enough to know how to respond...
only your mind swirls, but gives no thought to the space in which it moves."

You're saying to stop thinking with the mind.

"And feel with the body." He nods slightly.

"Minds get lassoed, reigned in, controlled, lost, swept up...
Yet your body is only moved by you. There is no other that controls that which belongs to you."

I get that.
So my mind doesn't belong to me then?

"The mind receives more signals than it needs. Chaos until you select those you need or want.
How does it feel when you browse face book? When you play Jeopardy? When you write, sing, drive?
When you organize and plan?
All those things either bring calm or chaos, or the many divides between them. Where do you choose to stand?
And where does your body remain at peace within those spaces?

Today... I hate all those things. My body hates all those things.
It hated the food I ate, the coffee I drank, the way I moved, what I looked like. It hated my disassociation. It hated feeling what was hidden and dismissed...not by me, but by him.
It hated words, the trying, the not trying... It just wanted peace.
There's no joy in winning Jeopardy if you're the only player.

"Your body doesn't hate. Only you can do that.
And even then...it will take more than any of that to bring you there.
Try fucking off....as you people like to say...
and do not engage with the energy that doesn't welcome you in.
Don't be the energy that doesn't welcome you in."

There's already too many words... and 'fucking off' seems like the only thing that feels lifting.
I'm going to follow that nudge. That body feeling of release and letting go once again.
I can't find much more here, in this land of words.

Even the Alchemist barely uses words with me much anymore. A simple sentence or phrase perhaps to fling me back on that imaginary 'track'...but it's all spoken with light and some kind of emotion wave or something.... but not emotion, and not a feeling... it's something else I don't even know if there are words for. Many barely touch the surface and fall quite short with feeble imitations.

I'm tired though.
slightly irritated that nights lately have been making my body tense or restless
nothing is amiss in the 3d world, but perhaps I've changed lanes again....switched channels...
and there's a weird shuffling of signals... mmm... this crumbling insight feels familiar
so perhaps my intuition is still working prime.
Things are too clear... even to the point it disturbs those waters when others don't realize they are causing the turbulance. Maybe they don't know....and I can't prove I do....
Either way... I'm left trying to retain my stability and truth or scrambling to uphold something I know, but can't speak of.
Do I have to? stop them from fumbling, from drowning, from burning, from falling?
Do I have to.... even though I can't anyway...
no one trusts a seer, as people can't hide enough to see what even they themselves are doing...
always freaking out and panicking to find the dark to hide in...
and the seer... knowing, but unable to give it....without burning their eyes.

The elite of the 3d plane knows this and use it without doubt.
Yet, I stand in the midst of others who can't see, can't hear, and only pretend at times to understand.

"Philosophical today?" He jests.

Looking for an out, more likely. I admit.

"Your voice in the words is not you. Who are you writing for?" He asks, curious.

I look over my words...briefly enough to look away. And cringe in dismay, knowing my own self doesn't see much from that perspective any longer... it's all a mere remembrance of the place I used to be...

I'm not even her anymore. I reply. Not even a little bit.

"Then do not engage with the energy that doesn't welcome you in.
Don't be the energy that doesn't welcome you in." He repeats. More serious now.

I understand.

"If they all belonged to you. Would you still speak of them as such?"

I would not. I will not.

"They belong. And they are energy that reflects you. Becomes you. Speaks you.
Welcome them in. Welcome all of you."

He lights up, changing his pattern of shapes and light rays.
The Alchemist.

There's a electromagnetic field that surrounds the body.
And the body is more than just what you see... it also includes this etheric substance. These outer layers of the spectrum. And when you open that up, the energy in your vicinity get drawn to it, or repelled by it... It brings your desires, or cats out that which doesn't resonate.
And this space.... as much as you can expand that field.... is all you....and everything within it reflects each facet of you.

There's no use in chasing that which is repelled...
and no use chasing that which is yours... Just take it in. Welcome it in.
Even him.





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