convo with the alchemist, not for you

 99% 110% chance of this getting deleted or not even published...
as it's not between you and me...
it's between me and me...
and sometimes I hear/see better when it's right in front of my face... sometimes, LOL

So... Imma summon forth The Alchemist for this little tirade question event...
and he's looking at me annoyed that I used the word 'summon'
...cause it's not like that, at all... and I know and he knows I know it, yet still choose to use
the wrong word to justify why I need his expertise and perspective enhancing gifts.

so anyway... glancing up at the Alchemist
this whole energetic thing between 'you know who' and me...
let's have a chat

"It's not about him."

it's about me...and my response to him though.
it's about that struggle between knowing without proof and yet still having to deny it
it's about the dissonance between give and take and feeling and action..
about all that... and it's a direct relation of tension at times.

"Seems like you may want to visit with that then.
You aren't feeling enough to know how to respond...
only your mind swirls, but gives no thought to the space in which it moves."

You're saying to stop thinking with the mind.

"And feel with the body." He nods slightly.

"Minds get lassoed, reigned in, controlled, lost, swept up...
Yet your body is only moved by you. There is no other that controls that which belongs to you."

I get that.
So my mind doesn't belong to me then?

"The mind receives more signals than it needs. Chaos until you select those you need or want.
How does it feel when you browse face book? When you play Jeopardy? When you write, sing, drive?
When you organize and plan?
All those things either bring calm or chaos, or the many divides between them. Where do you choose to stand?
And where does your body remain at peace within those spaces?

Today... I hate all those things. My body hates all those things.
It hated the food I ate, the coffee I drank, the way I moved, what I looked like. It hated my disassociation. It hated feeling what was hidden and dismissed...not by me, but by him.
It hated words, the trying, the not trying... It just wanted peace.
There's no joy in winning Jeopardy if you're the only player.

"Your body doesn't hate. Only you can do that.
And even then...it will take more than any of that to bring you there.
Try fucking off....as you people like to say...
and do not engage with the energy that doesn't welcome you in.
Don't be the energy that doesn't welcome you in."

There's already too many words... and 'fucking off' seems like the only thing that feels lifting.
I'm going to follow that nudge. That body feeling of release and letting go once again.
I can't find much more here, in this land of words.

Even the Alchemist barely uses words with me much anymore. A simple sentence or phrase perhaps to fling me back on that imaginary 'track'...but it's all spoken with light and some kind of emotion wave or something.... but not emotion, and not a feeling... it's something else I don't even know if there are words for. Many barely touch the surface and fall quite short with feeble imitations.

I'm tired though.
slightly irritated that nights lately have been making my body tense or restless
nothing is amiss in the 3d world, but perhaps I've changed lanes again....switched channels...
and there's a weird shuffling of signals... mmm... this crumbling insight feels familiar
so perhaps my intuition is still working prime.
Things are too clear... even to the point it disturbs those waters when others don't realize they are causing the turbulance. Maybe they don't know....and I can't prove I do....
Either way... I'm left trying to retain my stability and truth or scrambling to uphold something I know, but can't speak of.
Do I have to? stop them from fumbling, from drowning, from burning, from falling?
Do I have to.... even though I can't anyway...
no one trusts a seer, as people can't hide enough to see what even they themselves are doing...
always freaking out and panicking to find the dark to hide in...
and the seer... knowing, but unable to give it....without burning their eyes.

The elite of the 3d plane knows this and use it without doubt.
Yet, I stand in the midst of others who can't see, can't hear, and only pretend at times to understand.

"Philosophical today?" He jests.

Looking for an out, more likely. I admit.

"Your voice in the words is not you. Who are you writing for?" He asks, curious.

I look over my words...briefly enough to look away. And cringe in dismay, knowing my own self doesn't see much from that perspective any longer... it's all a mere remembrance of the place I used to be...

I'm not even her anymore. I reply. Not even a little bit.

"Then do not engage with the energy that doesn't welcome you in.
Don't be the energy that doesn't welcome you in." He repeats. More serious now.

I understand.

"If they all belonged to you. Would you still speak of them as such?"

I would not. I will not.

"They belong. And they are energy that reflects you. Becomes you. Speaks you.
Welcome them in. Welcome all of you."

He lights up, changing his pattern of shapes and light rays.
The Alchemist.

There's a electromagnetic field that surrounds the body.
And the body is more than just what you see... it also includes this etheric substance. These outer layers of the spectrum. And when you open that up, the energy in your vicinity get drawn to it, or repelled by it... It brings your desires, or cats out that which doesn't resonate.
And this space.... as much as you can expand that field.... is all you....and everything within it reflects each facet of you.

There's no use in chasing that which is repelled...
and no use chasing that which is yours... Just take it in. Welcome it in.
Even him.





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Waste of space and a read, skip this

The word 'wage' comes from the word 'pledge'...which comes from the word 'plight'.

Might want to do some research on the whole societal system that controls you and your 'pay'.
Just sayin... I felt like throwing you a flashlight to find your way out...
of course, finding the flashlight is the first step...
then learning to turn it on...
then using it...
and also ignoring the scary shadows...
and then finding the path...

Or you can just get in your throne and claim sovereignty
way faster...
but maybe the words don't resonate with you just yet...
oh... but they will...
they will

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I've gotten in trouble for having too many projects that involve being 'seen'.
For and empathic introvert, this is probably more harmful than good.
The getting nagged at because of it, not for the actuality of it.
... and you wonder why I do many things alone and out of sight.... good god...
let's spare the feelings of the mortals... and depart from this atrocious limitation...
and go back into the shadows... where at least we can wreck havoc in peace.

I guess patios, and income, and fun, and more fun, and colors, and food are unwelcome.
This energy is my energy.... so labels like to stain my aura as also unwelcomed.
I know this isn't true.... but sarcasm seems to gush out when another can't handle all the workings.
So we gotta do clean up... and remain covert... and move beneath the shadows...
so as not to be seen
not to be heard
not to be known

It'll be FUN! Where's my cloak?!
*initiate assassin mode


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Technically, there's only garden projects happening at the moment.
   and there's plenty more to add to the collection of plants <3
   and the corn plot....cause I'm going to learn how to grow this shit...
   and broccoli... and potatoes.... I wish I had a gardener to teach me and not google
  cause google is wrong sometimes...
      and potatoes just don't 'grow'.. my last ones disappeared... literately.
    Gone, just poofed into nothingness
The patio is just about done.
...I mean...the pool is next in line, but that's all mechanical easy stuff ?? yeah?

Hey! Squirrel!

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Aetherlands....
well....
Very clear. Full on clarity and superb connection.
Swift and right on the mark communications.
Direct and informative replies and answers.
Very nice....I like this.

In the storage unit I got...there were some cool books I get to delve into...
those will be fun...
like The occult arts of ancient egypt...
and the Tibetan book of the dead... which surprisingly I haven't read yet
a few other interesting ones....
nice.

Dogecoin made me a couple thousand dollars.... VERY NICE $$$$!
My goal is within sight. $$,$$$

Isn't it great how it takes a disaster to sort and organize into something like perfection
It's messy and a bit chaotic and a whole lot of overwhelm at times...
but it leaves an imprint of completion and growth
like having your kids grow up and be good people
...you know they weren't always that way, little shits

so my battery is dying and I don't feel like going to plug it in..
and I have nothing deep to write and more or less am just riffing off some kind of energy that just wants me to finish this crap up and go do what I actually feel like doing anyway... so that's what imma do.

later... and I'll be back when I have something worth a shit to write about  LMAO


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"I summon forth the Universe to deliver me my IRS tax refund."
Much gratitude, yo.

oh yeah.. and pic

Eggscellent start to Easter Sunday brunch...

fun project update list....
even though for the life of me, I have no idea why many of you enjoy this mundane part of these blog posts... it's my least favorite, haha.... but I like external validation sometimes

That COOP... is done except for the door handle/clasp/whatever we decide to do with it...
     (little houses and decor in there tomorrow.... and quails!)
The kitchen is clean... my floors are clean...
   (I said kitchen, I did not say the rest of the house...)
I did go to Paris.... and picked up half a cow...
I do play with that kick bag thing

more projects still on the roster...
gonna do coop decor and their little houses tomorrow...
and rake dirt level...
still have all the garden stuff to do...
    (way way more than reasonable)
    (and none of it includes the stuff I don't know I'm going to buy yet)
    (and none of all the stuff I do know I'm going to buy)
clean rest of house before I'll have to deep clean the kitchen again...
     (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)
all those downstairs projects I do not want to discuss
I have some art commissions I will do one day...
     (and one for myself...when I feel confident in starting it)
     (art comes when it comes, I have no control of any of this)
Did I say I have a book 7 to write... no... I have parts of it...
     (that's next year's project technically...)
There's some wood carvings I need done....
The fish tank needs cleaned and searched...for Penelope... he's missing...
    (Mr. Penelope is a snail)
I just published in Elephant Journal today, cause I forgot that I can do that...
    (no relation to Ganesha, but hey... I'll take any synchronicities when it sounds good)
Garden stuff...more of than what I've yet to realize
Then... pool stuff...
Then we bask in the sun for the rest of the summer...
    (unless I win more storage units)
    (or delve into something unnecessary, yet fun)
    (or deliver flowers again...)
    (or take a trip)
   (or do some of those other things I keep secret)


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dude... I had this inkling to print journals yesterday...
I wonder if that is a synchronicity that also matters....?
... weird....but intriguing...
hmm

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lol...so I'm trying to convince myself to stay off of Amazon...
it's funny to watch...
   'you don't need that stuff YET.... wait til tomorrow...'
'but it doesn't matter if I add to cart now, or add to cart tomorrow...'
   'there's too much time....you'll find other stuff you don't need...tomorrow you won't have time to
    browse.'
'......'

she's got a point
   whoever 'she' is...

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I do not have anything deep or insightful to write about, lmao
...
I'm on Amazon....lol...
and ...
add to cart...
proceed to checkout...
...
thank you for shopping amazon...

and I didn't spend my free money...
cause I like free Christmas better...


yep...so I'm bored here....

later...
pic first...

.

You needed that

and I didn't write anything about Easter....
huzzah!

   

Removal of blocks.... LOL... oh the synchronicities!

 "ALL things... and No thing"
 
The atmosphere of totality within both Soul and Fire.

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When an earthquake happens, and he debris falls
there's still remnants of scattered pieces that tumble off in unsynced timeframes.
until it's all fully settled... at least until the rains come, or the ice.
or the aftershocks...
where then even more unsettled chunks find their way to their resting place.

That's what all this feels like.
Pieces of you, or what you thought of as you... relentlessly removing themselves
another chunk here, another bit there... the fall away
maybe the whole damn city crumbles and falls into the void.
and you stand watching it dissipate, having acknowledged it's passing...
and also having chosen it's demise.

Maybe you'll build a new world on the graves of the last...
but as I realize the luxury of having this experience...
I find no reason to build a new world...nor save the last.
~I want to be free.~

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These things are falling away on their own accord...
but perhaps Thoth's little visit perpetuated the onset to be something more perceivable...
there wasn't an earthquake
there wasn't an initiation of anything that shook lose the foundations
there wasn't even a desire, a voice, an anything...

but here I stand, watching it dissolve.
a beautiful demolition
one of my favorite places... this view of destruction and chaos
and the dying of falsehoods.... of filth

and this time...
there won't be a rebuilding
a redesigning...
the wilds will take over...
and life will regain it's sovereignty
~I will be free.~

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this also comes with a huge 3d reality dose of...
maybe I will delete my whole profile and all the things that go along with it on every social media account
maybe I will also toss in the fire pit all the art, all the books, all the writings, all the pictures, all the everything
maybe I will

and I often refrain from using the word 'I' in tons of what I write...
because it feels too abrupt and personal...
but the others don't exist anymore... the 'we'... the 'she' ... the 'us' ...
all the world has been devoured
and all of everything

and only I stand
and I AM the wilderness
~I am free.~

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Dream:
rather irritating dream trying to reconnect with son who was held away by forces...
not in ill intent, but just making it difficult...
anyway... we finally got back together ..
he was saying something about
"Germany.... something something something... Ganesh."
and I knew in this dream that it was something to remember...
"Germany.... something something something.... Ganesh."
     (yo, sorry, but I can't write shit down and bring it back with me! I tried that before, it doesn't work)

so.... I don't know what that means...
Germany... obvious... I'm guessing the country, or the philosophy, or the culture...
Ganesh... also known as Ganesha.... is the hindu god, Lord of the People
     ~ readily identified by his elephant head. He is widely revered, more specifically, as the remover of obstacles; the patron of arts and sciences; and the deva of intellect and wisdom. The god of beginnings... son of Shiva and Parvati


I liked leaving the dream....
so... maybe we are getting overrun by Nazi's... who knows.

now that I think about it, I had previous dreams with Germans taking control, years ago...
I probably wrote them here on this blog.... lol

.


anyway... that's it for today

later

 

Apples of GOLD

 Thoth made an intentional visit last night.
   out of the blue, I did not initiate that in any form.
It was helpful though, as I had some inquiries I was fumbling with.
   those involving publishing contracts and recognition...

"Are you a producer?" He asks outright...in his usual tone of 'let's get straight to the blunt point'.
...
"Ummm... a creator...?" I replied hesitantly, having already associated those as being the same thing.

"Are you a producer?" He asks again... a micrometer slower...enough to dull the sharp edges.
...
"No...?" I say...slowly..unsure...cause it didn't sit right, but wasn't it almost about kinda the same?

"The Apple tree produces apples." He throws me into a view of clarity.
"It produces that which is consumed. It get all the recognition. It gets all the glory. It receives attention and cause.
But it is the Creator that has formed the tree, the sky, the wind, the breeze, the seed, the leaves...the apples." He speaks softly.
"Creators are those who design and mold the powers into flesh. It is us who are are what is unseen, unheard, unspoken, unwrought. Yet we are the becoming of all things."

   ... and you wonder why I find earthly humans less than mediocre and downright boring...

this convo went on for a bit, leaving me in a state of complete wonderous solidity with self
  we discussed the recent truth bomb of the chakra system and how they relate to elements...
like Base chakra is Earth
Sacral is Water
Solar Plexus is Fire
Heart is Air...
Throat is Sound.... and it was confirmed that Sound is an element...
3rd eye is... Electricity... I had it as 'thought' for a short time, but it's more than that.
Crown just so happens to be Will.

above that would be Consciousness ( I think? and the creation white diamond above that)
below Base at the real Root would be Atoms and Cells....but there's a word for this we didn't discuss. It has more to do with the breakdown and disassembly of what was created to be sent back out into uncreation below that (there's a black diamond there)

Thoth responded that as creators... that
     "Say what you Will" is as true as it was when the moon was set in place.
     That speaking through our Sound throat chakra what our crown Will chakra desired was how we incorporated the 'unhindered energies into solid matter and visible form"....
      That the heart chakra of Air (the lightest taught element in a sense) used the heartbeat magnetic resonance to move it through the portal of uncreation into creation... (not a real portal, but a vibrational substance trigger...we didn't get too far into it. But it's like the 'breathe' of life or something... )


...
You know..... I don't know how much of this is relevant to any other being on the planet....
or whether current 'science' can back any of this up in a mutable way...
but... yo... I have no reason to doubt Thoth, as there was a real reason he was on the council in Atlantis with us. Dude is lit.


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Wow... Biden has been talking on tv for like a whole 30 minutes thus far...
is he allowed to do that?  it's almost queue time for him to mumble something unintelligible

I have a list of stuff to tackle today...
it's 2pm... and I'm still here... but I did make a smoothie this morning... so that's 1!!
am not going to do outside stuff...it's raining...so that's 5 not gonna happen...
that leaves 3 possibles... or whatever else might pop up...

anyway...gonna go...
here's a pic








"Letting it go doesn't mean it leaves forever. It only allows it to grow to fullness, ripening to sweetness and returning in a form that is meant for you."

Super men create their own stories...

 The 'new' Justice League was just the old Justice League with added scenes.
... fat batman was still in it
Aquaman was in it, but we didn't get to see enough of him :(
Wonder Woman seemed much stronger/faster than when she was in her own films...
The Flash still only talks about love...just like the series I also don't watch.
Cyborg still sucks and has no real emotional value.
I still only liked the part when Superman went berserk and laser eyed them.

Superman doesn't get enough credit...
and I wish Marvel would write for him... rescue him from the toilet rim of DC writers...
Batman too...and get a better actor, either go back to CB, or get someone with some personality
Wonder Woman too.... she has more potential than the shit show of 1984...and we don't need to see her smiling at some kid in every scene...good god enough, we already KNOW she's the good guy. Who's writing for you people!!?
And fix that crap ideology of Atlantis in Aquaman. It's not some fantastical city like Harry Potter under the sea shit. NO. And do a huge overhaul of the red haired Ariel wanna be girl...
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Soooo
re-cap... of the multi-universal projects littering the horizon...
quails... are 5 weeks old.
coop is almost done. The hard stuff is anyway.
weather is not freezing or pouring down with water (well...a little rain today)
I literately bought a kickboxing bag stand thing on a whim.
I already had the gloves....so... ya know how it is...
still waiting for stimmy money
still waiting for tax return money
my cash stash is like more than halfway to the top of the box I have it in
Imma bid on another storage auction Wednesday....
which might also be the day the coop gets mostly finished.
still waiting for feedback and updates/responses on a few other things I did...
    these are secret...
garden is ready for stuff.... but weather...
will need mulch and other stuff for garden soon.... but weather...
    and we're already busy, so that's fine.
need to find/borrow/fix a tiller for other garden...
I promise I am not a homesteader....even if I like being at home
the house is a mess and needs cleaned.... need maid.
I still hate cooking... need chef
   (but was awfully happy when the oldest brought home groceries!, Like new stuff, yay!)
Isaac is getting all ornery... poor old dog who can barely walk
kids are doing good, oldest is taking another trip to DC
youngest is doing his thing... and maybe we are close to considering a job(?)
no art, no time/focus/momentum for such creative endeavors
only minimal writing... getting there...
     still have book 7 gelling...it's busy, still some screenplays wanting attention, and here....
     none of this includes random facebook posts and comments....
   

anyway.....
gonna go ghost soon
be sure to miss me

pic, cause I gotta get that in here



You know...
there's a blog post I wrote a few years ago about Superman...
 It's titled... "What I learned from Superman." 
   <<<HERE>>>
and ugh... for someone who doesn't like him how he's portrayed in the movies so much...
I hold onto that huge sliver of hope that one day the creators will get it right
I like Henry Cavill playing him, (the chin is tolerable, ok)
but the story...the plot, the everything else... severely lacking for such a potentially incredible hero

Heaven help me that I bought more crypto today...  cause it dropped...
like dude... stimulus money is not here yet yo!
but do I listen... no.
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* whole paragrapheses I deleted...cause you don't need to know

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I'm sure there's something really deep to share...

but I got places to be
I might be back tomorrow...or later...or never...or next week...

I only stream consciousnessssss.... i promisssssssss

 I wondered what it would take to inspire a post strong enough to get me to write once again.

It was seeing the dying of the light within another's eyes.

My dear...
I see you trying to comfort yourself as you do things...
    ...all the while screaming in silence a resounding NO!
I see you hiding behind your masks...even though it doesn't fit correctly...
I see your fear and pain and that ache...
    ...the one that prays someone...something will grasp you from your slumbering nightmare.

You can't hide your eyes, even if you hide your hesitance behind that muzzle.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Someone was telling me about what they would do... "if they had to" obey this or that rule.
    something particularly loud in today's world...
But my dear...
You never ever ever have to do anything you genuinely do not want to do.
Don't prepare yourself to do it,
don't think about the how,
don't pretend how brave and well thought out your ruse will be.

Bravery doesn't arise from conquering yourself and pretending you were strong....

Bravery comes with resolving to uphold yourself... and BEING strong.

Stop getting those ass backwards.
We are tired of seeing you die inside.

It doesn't matter what you choose...
But if you are killing yourself to make a certain choice fit...
    ....




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It's been a few weeks, eh...
since I actually came here to write, AND post it and NOT delete it...
Lots of acclimating to some new space lately.
Projects passing through and some coming to an end.
Many others still in the energetic world.... and yet to be revealed...
   many of which will remain a secret...as long as possible...
...it's a personal challenge for me...so don't take it personally, lol.
I'm sure you'll be able to feel the echoing of their presence if they travel through my world

The Aethers are jumbly...like there's a signal, but the signal is flickering...
you see what's coming in, but it's not smoothly received.
static in the skies...
all it takes is a bit reconfiguring of your own reception rod...
but you gotta realize that's what you need first, lol.
Blah...
all good now, but the world is still bleeding out with redirectives and demoralized distractions of every kind
The world is at the edges... if you haven't been paying attention, btw
tipping point... or also what we call the turning point...
It will all be worth it, just stand true.
I could probably go into specific details and explanatory foresights... but why ruin your movie.
That is the fun of a movie though, correct?
To take you on some whirlwind of a journey... to evolve your character... to test your resolves...
to write you a story when you refuse to write your own


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These quail... are so close to being 100% outside... but that wind is being a bitch
I'm eagerly waiting for tax returns and stimmy money to grace my presence....
   I've got investments to make YO! and to restock my savings account...and pay for my cow.

pic before I forget... or lose interest...




kinda bored
and I ran out of things to write...


Raya and the last dragon wasn't too bad...
I like the cultural references... I didn't like the my little pony version of dragons...

Chaos walking was...kinda meh... short.. a few funny parts...

oooh... Justice League is up... might watch that...
WTF.... 4 hours... good god... *insert overwhelming emoji
     I don't know if I want to tolerate fat batman again...
...  but Aquaman is in it...yeah?...

ooooh, they have the mandalorian season 2... oh dang...
....I wonder if the quality is watchable...

decisions...

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