Um..... so this thing happened...
I don't even think I can explain it.
it's like....
similar to the awareness that you are not your body...
you are not here to 'do' things...
that you are the energy that moves...
and your body is here to express that energy...
like that...for the most part... maybe not quite..
add in some superconsicous awareness of being out and apart from your body
but that you can utilize it's senses at the same time.
knowing that all the limitations and perceptions only belong to the mind of your body
but not you.
not you.
none of those are even with you, they can't reach outside of your body's mind
...
it's like your body is the computer and it has it's own programs that run
whether they be to protect you, or run distracting bullshit in the background
or whether those programs only filled up the cache and you've yet to get serious about
installing those updates, or upgrading your systems/software...and even hardware if needs be.
You are the one...the energy ... that operates the computer.
not just the electricity... but also the user if you keep this awareness...
but still more...
hmmm...
it is kinda beyond the framing of words... its more of a completeness feeling...
but you are the completeness...
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Last night, I had this dream about being in school.
I was supposed to be in a film editing class but I was lost and didn't know where to go.
.... and you know school dreams...
it's like your subconscious is telling you it's time to learn something new..
argh...
and then...get this...
I ordered some artwork...and it was delivered to the wrong address yesterday...
and today.... no shitting you... found out the post man had delivered it to.. you guessed it.
the fucking school.
He had to drive out, get it, and redeliver it to me.
....
so.... I can decipher this a few different ways...
I'm not interested in film editing... although just today (synchronicities, yo!)..
I watched a little video short of someone who wrote, directed, and animated the whole thing...
and so yeah....I could do that... I can write. I can storyboard (love storyboarding!!!). I can do concept art.... coloring is not my thing... but I know someone who likes to color. <3
what I have never done is animation... unless you count those little pictures I draw in the corners of those tiny notebooks... and when you flip through them real fast... it's a movie! Yeah the little guy usually dies at the end by a boulder, but hey... I was tired of drawing by then...or running out of sheets
I know nothing of directing. Truthfully, it scares me since I have no clue what it entails. And might possibly involve talking.... out loud.... to people. yeesh... O_O
I'm certain film editing will need to be added eventually....but I have kids for that.
but you see...
I couldn't find the class in my dream... the lady at the office started to look it up before I woke up.
or...... I can decipher this as to go to school for art... HAHAHAHAHAHA!
why the fuck would you go to school for art?! Last time I went to school for art... I almost punched a teacher for painting over my shit. I have a witness.
I don't really like 'art'. In other words, I don't like doing it. the drawing, the painting, the challenge of getting your brain to shut the fuck up about that tiny ass spot noone can see (sometimes not even yourself!) that you know you messed up on, but it really doesn't fucking matter.... and you argue with that little bitch perfectionist inside you that can't even please herself... and feel utterly grateful when you're done with it!
I don't like doing visual art... I take it way too personal.
I like writing. My kind of writing... where I can say fuck. and spell shit wrong... or shorthand. or refrain from correct punctuation. and ramble just because I want to... hells to the yeah!
I think I had another possibility.... but my brain just shut down...
so the new downloads can take effect.... yeah... we'll go with that.
what else...
hmmmm....
people who are related to me are headed out to Colorado. For a funeral. Grandpa died.
I could write something others refer to as heartfelt or sympathetic... but that's not how I roll...
I feel too much and say too little... and what I do say, I shall not hose it down with the oohs and ahhs of society's niceties.
(introverted empath problems 101...)
To relatives near and far, even if I don't know you... even if I do... and you are still trying to hide behind your bullshit... We've all managed quite well to escape being truly seen. I dare you to step beyond the veil and be a space for one another. Open, honest, vulnerable, true....and above all, brave.
so take it or leave it... I will admit that it may be too soon to contact gpa's spirit, fyi, but this should be fun nonetheless....
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If we were to meet, upon the sands of sunset and stand before the pillars of heaven. Who would you be? Would you keep your eyes lifted high awaiting the King? Would you stare in awe at the angels? Would you embrace those whose smiles were thought forgotten and rejoice in a life well lived? Would you feel the rays of the light upon your face and drift peacefully in the breeze, remembering the feelings of your breath and of your dreams? Would you look back upon the earth and cast a silent whisper across the thoughts of those you've loved?
I see you. Standing tall and strong. Is this what you looked like in your youth? I never knew you, but I can see that you were stronger than you revealed. I can see your silent thoughts drift around you like beacons of power. Passion. Romance. Your heart still beats for those you love. Your soul dances even if your feet remain steady. I can see you.
You're warm. tender. patient. and hold up the world around you unseen. You've carried much, but do not regret it. And for the time... you no longer remember it.
And who are you? You are steadfast. Like poetry without words. A song that can only be heard by a few. Satisfied with little. Satisfied with even nothing. Your faith was enough. You are enough.
And you move your eyes across the threshold and see them. You remain silent but I can see the light in your eye. I can see the smile even if you refuse to show it upon your face. Still being strong. Still being the observer and the watchman. You nod. You're happy for them. You're honored to wait for them. Steadfast. True.
The doors open and you don't hesitate to climb the stairs. You dart up them fairly quickly. Knowing where you belong. Knowing where you're at. Knowing who you are. And knowing everything you were.
I never knew you in life, but here, where everyone is a part of one another. We are understood and we understand. We are one. I see you, I hear you, I feel you. I love you.
Later, gramps. *throws up gang style peace sign
I don't think he knew who I was...lol...
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"So, what do you do?"
me: I apparently talk to spirits. Living, dead, in the in-between. Ya know... in general.
"O_o"
me: yeah, me too.
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